III
I
Two days later Sebastian came to Abbots Puissants. The butler was not sure that Mrs.┬аChetwynd could see him. She was lying down.
Sebastian gave his name and said he was sure Mrs.┬аChetwynd would see him. He was shown into the drawing-room to wait. The room seemed very empty and silent but unusually luxuriousтБатАФvery different from what it had looked in his childish days. He thought to himself, тАЬIt was a real house then,тАЭ and wondered what exactly he meant by that. He got it presently. Now it suggested, very faintly, a museum. Everything was beautifully arranged, and harmonized perfectly. Every piece that was not perfect had been replaced by one that was. All the carpets and covers and hangings were new.
тАЬAnd they must have cost a pretty penny,тАЭ thought Sebastian appreciatively, and priced them with a fair degree of accuracy. He always knew the cost of things.
He was interrupted in this salutary exercise by the door opening. Nell came in, a pink colour in her cheeks and her hand outstretched.
тАЬSebastian! What a surprise! I thought you were too busy ever to leave London except at a weekendтБатАФand not often then!тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩve lost just twenty thousand pounds in the last two days,тАЭ said Sebastian gruffly as he took her hand. тАЬSimply from gadding about and letting things go anyhow. How are you, Nell?тАЭ
тАЬOh! IтАЩm feeling splendid.тАЭ
She didnтАЩt look very splendid, though, he thought, now that the flush of surprise had died away. Besides, hadnтАЩt the butler said she was lying down, not feeling well? He fancied that her face looked a little strained and haggard.
She went on: тАЬSit down, Sebastian. You look as though you were on the point of going off to catch a train. George is awayтБатАФin Spain. He had to go on business. HeтАЩll be away a week at least.тАЭ
тАЬWill he?тАЭ
That was a good thing anyway. A damned awkward business. Nell had simply no ideaтБатАКтБатАж
тАЬYouтАЩre very glum, Sebastian. Is anything the matter?тАЭ
She asked the question quite lightly, but he seized upon it eagerly. It was the opening he needed.
тАЬYes, Nell,тАЭ he said gravely. тАЬAs a matter of fact there is.тАЭ
He heard her draw in her breath with a sudden catch. Her eyes looked watchful.
тАЬWhat is it?тАЭ she said.
Her voice sounded differentтБатАФhard and suspicious.
тАЬIтАЩm afraid what IтАЩm going to say will be a great shock to you. ItтАЩs about Vernon.тАЭ
тАЬWhat about Vernon?тАЭ
Sebastian waited a minute. Then he said: тАЬVernonтБатАФis alive, Nell.тАЭ
тАЬAlive?тАЭ she whispered. Her hand crept up to her heart.
тАЬYes.тАЭ
She didnтАЩt do any of the things he expected her to doтБатАФdidnтАЩt faint, or cry out, or ask eager questions. She just stared straight ahead of her. And a sudden quick suspicion came into his shrewd Jewish mind.
тАЬYou knew it?тАЭ
тАЬNo, no.тАЭ
тАЬI thought perhaps you saw him, the other day, when he came here?тАЭ
тАЬThen it was Vernon?тАЭ
It broke from her like a cry. Sebastian nodded his head. It was as he had thought and said to Jane. She had not trusted her eyes.
тАЬWhat did you thinkтБатАФthat it was a very close resemblance?тАЭ
тАЬYesтБатАФyes, thatтАЩs what I thought. How could I think it was Vernon? He looked at me and didnтАЩt know me.тАЭ
тАЬHeтАЩs lost his memory, Nell.тАЭ
тАЬLost his memory?тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
He told her the story, giving the details as carefully as possible. She listened but paid less attention than he expected. When he had finished she said: тАЬYes, but whatтАЩs to be done about it all? Will he get it back? What are we to do?тАЭ
He explained that Vernon was having treatment from a specialist. Already, under hypnosis, part of the lost memory had returned. The whole process would not be long delayed. He did not enter into the technical details, judging rightly that these would have no interest for her.
тАЬAnd then heтАЩll knowтБатАФeverything?тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
She shrank back in her chair. He felt a sudden rush of pity.
тАЬHe canтАЩt blame you, Nell. You didnтАЩt knowтБатАФnobody could know. The report of his death was absolutely definite. ItтАЩs an almost unique case. IтАЩve heard of one other. In most cases, of course, a report of death was contradicted almost immediately. Vernon loves you enough to understand and forgive.тАЭ
She said nothing but she put up both hands to cover her face.
тАЬWe thinkтБатАФif you agreeтБатАФthat everything had better be kept quiet for the present. YouтАЩll tell Chetwynd, of course. And you and he and Vernon canтБатАФwell, thrash it out together.тАЭ
тАЬDonтАЩt! DonтАЩt! DonтАЩt go into details. Just letтАЩs leave it for the presentтБатАФtill IтАЩve seen Vernon.тАЭ
тАЬDo you want to see him at once? Will you come up to town with me?тАЭ
тАЬNoтБатАФI canтАЩt do that. Let him come hereтБатАФto see me. Nobody will recognize him. The servants are all new.тАЭ
Sebastian said slowly: тАЬVery wellтБатАКтБатАж IтАЩll tell him.тАЭ
Nell got up.
тАЬIтБатАФIтБатАФyou must go away now, Sebastian. I canтАЩt bear any more. I canтАЩt indeed. ItтАЩs all so dreadful. And only two days ago I was so happy and peacefulтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
тАЬBut Nell, surely to have Vernon back againтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬOh! yes, I didnтАЩt mean that. You donтАЩt understand. ThatтАЩs wonderful, of course. Oh! do go, Sebastian. ItтАЩs awful of me turning you out like this, but I canтАЩt bear any more. You must go.тАЭ
Sebastian went. On the way back to town he wondered a good deal.
II
Left alone, Nell went back to her bedroom and lay down on her bed, pulling the silk eiderdown tightly over her.
So it was true after all. It had been Vernon. She had told herself that it couldnтАЩt beтБатАФthat she had made a ridiculous mistake. But sheтАЩd been uneasy ever since.
What was going to happen? What would George say about it all? Poor George! HeтАЩd been so good to her.
Of course there were women whoтАЩd married again, and then had found their first husbands were alive. Rather an awful position. She had never really been GeorgeтАЩs wife at all.
Oh! it couldnтАЩt be true. Such things didnтАЩt happen. God wouldnтАЩt letтБатАФ
But perhaps she had better not think of God. It reminded her of those very unpleasant things that Jane had said the other day. That very same day.
She thought with a rush of self-pity: тАЬI was so happy!тАЭ
Was Vernon going to understand? Would heтБатАФperhapsтБатАФblame her? HeтАЩd want her, of course, to come back. Or wouldnтАЩt he, now that she and GeorgeтБатАКтБатАж What did men think?
There could be a divorce, of course, and then she could marry George. But that would make a lot of talk. How difficult everything was.
She thought with a sudden shock: тАЬBut I love Vernon. How can I contemplate a divorce and marrying George when I love Vernon? HeтАЩs been given back to meтБатАФfrom the dead.тАЭ
She turned over restlessly on the bed. It was a beautiful Empire bed. George had bought it out of an old ch├вteau in France. It was perfect and quite unique. She looked round the room: a charming room, everything in harmonyтБатАФperfect taste, perfect unostentatious luxury.
She remembered suddenly the horsehair sofa and the antimacassars in the furnished rooms at Wiltsbury.тБатАКтБатАж Dreadful! But they had been happy there.
But now? She looked round the room with new eyes. Of course, Abbots Puissants belonged to George. Or didnтАЩt it, now that Vernon had come back? Anyway, Vernon would be just as poor as everтБатАФthey couldnтАЩt afford to live here. There were all the things that George had done to it.тБатАКтБатАж Thought after thought raced confusedly through her brain.
She must write to GeorgeтБатАФbeg him to come home. Just say it was urgentтБатАФnothing more. He was so clever. He might see a way.
Or perhaps she wouldnтАЩt write to himтБатАФnot till she had seen Vernon. Would Vernon be very angry? How terrible it all was.
The tears came to her eyes. She sobbed: тАЬItтАЩs unfairтБатАФitтАЩs unfair. IтАЩve never done anything. Why should this happen to me? Vernon will blame me and I couldnтАЩt know. How could I know?тАЭ
Again the thought flitted across her mind: тАЬI was so happy!тАЭ
III
Vernon was listening, trying to understand what the doctor was saying to him. He looked across the table at him. A tall thin man with eyes that seemed to see right into the centre of you and to read there things that you didnтАЩt even know about yourself.
And he made you see all the things you didnтАЩt want to see. Made you bring things up out of the depths. He was saying:
тАЬNow that you have remembered, tell me again exactly how you saw the announcement of your wifeтАЩs marriage.тАЭ
Vernon cried out: тАЬMust we go over it again and again? It was all so horrible. I donтАЩt want to think of it any more.тАЭ
And then the doctor explained, gravely and kindly, but very impressively. It was because of that desire not to тАЬthink of it any moreтАЭ that all this had come about. It must be faced nowтБатАФthrashed out. Otherwise the loss of memory might return.
They went all over it again.
And then, when Vernon felt he could bear no more, he was told to lie down on a couch. The doctor touched his forehead and his limbs, told him that he was restingтБатАФwas restedтБатАФthat he would become strong and happy again.тБатАКтБатАж
A feeling of peace came over Vernon.
He closed his eyes.тБатАКтБатАж
IV
Vernon came down to Abbots Puissants three days later. He came in Sebastian LevinneтАЩs car. To the butler he gave his name as Mr.┬аGreen. Nell was waiting for him in the little white-panelled room where his mother had sat in the mornings. She came forward to meet him, forcing a conventional smile to her lips. The butler shut the door behind him, just in time for her to stop short before offering him her hand.
They looked at each other. Then Vernon said:
тАЬNellтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
She was in his arms. He kissed herтБатАФkissed herтБатАФkissed her.тБатАКтБатАж
He let her go at last. They sat down. He was quiet, rather tragic, very restrained, but for that one wild greeting. HeтАЩd gone through so muchтБатАФso much in these last few days.
Sometimes he wished theyтАЩd left him aloneтБатАФas George Green. It had been jolly being George Green.
He said stammeringly: тАЬItтАЩs all right, Nell. You mustnтАЩt think I blame you. I understand. Only it hurts. It hurts like hell. Naturally.тАЭ
She said: тАЬI didnтАЩt meanтБатАФтАЭ
He interrupted her.
тАЬI know, I tell youтБатАФI know! DonтАЩt talk about it. I donтАЩt want to hear about it. I donтАЩt want to think about it even.тАЭ He added in a different tone: тАЬThey say thatтАЩs my trouble. ThatтАЩs how it happened.тАЭ
She said, rather eagerly: тАЬTell me about itтБатАФabout everything.тАЭ
тАЬThere isnтАЩt much to tell.тАЭ He spoke without interest, abstractedly. тАЬI was taken prisoner. How I got to be reported killed, I donтАЩt know. At least I have a sort of vague idea. There was a fellow very like meтБатАФone of the Huns. I donтАЩt mean a double, or anything of that sort, but just a general superficial resemblance. My GermanтАЩs pretty rotten but I heard them commenting on it. They took my kit and my identification disc. I think the idea was to penetrate into our lines as meтБатАФwe were being relieved by Colonial troops, and they knew it. The fellow would pass muster for a day or so and would gain the information he wanted. ThatтАЩs only an idea, but it explains why I wasnтАЩt returned in the list of prisoners and I was sent to a camp that was practically all French and Belgians. But none of that matters, does it? I suppose the Hun was killed getting through our lines and was buried as me. I had a pretty bad time in GermanyтБатАФnearly died with some kind of fever on top of being wounded. Finally I escapedтБатАФOh! itтАЩs a long story. IтАЩm not going into all that now. I had the hell of a timeтБатАФwithout food and water sometimes for days at a stretch. It was a sort of miracle that I came throughтБатАФbut I did. I got into Holland. I was exhausted and at the same time all strung up. And I could only think of one thingтБатАФgetting back to you.тАЭ
тАЬYes?тАЭ
тАЬAnd then I saw itтБатАФin a beastly illustrated paper. Your marriage. ItтБатАФit finished me. But I wouldnтАЩt face it. I kept on saying that it couldnтАЩt be true. I went outтБатАФI donтАЩt know where I went. Things got all mixed up in my mind.
тАЬThere was a whacking great lorry coming down the road. I saw my chanceтБатАФend it all, get out of it. I stepped out in front of it.тАЭ
тАЬOh, Vernon.тАЭ She shuddered.
тАЬAnd that was the end. Of me as Vernon Deyre, I mean. When I came to there was just one name in my headтБатАФGeorge. That lucky chap, George. George Green.тАЭ
тАЬWhy Green?тАЭ
тАЬA sort of fancy of mine when I was a child. And then the Dutch girl at the inn had asked me to look up a pal of hers whose name was Green and IтАЩd written it down in a little book.тАЭ
тАЬAnd you didnтАЩt remember anything?тАЭ
тАЬNo.тАЭ
тАЬWerenтАЩt you very frightened?тАЭ
тАЬNo, not at all. I didnтАЩt seem to be worrying about anything.тАЭ He added with lingering regret: тАЬI was awfully happy and jolly.тАЭ
Then he looked across at her.
тАЬBut that doesnтАЩt matter now. Nothing mattersтБатАФbut you.тАЭ
She smiled at him but her smile was flickering and uncertain. He barely noticed it at the moment, but went on.
тАЬItтАЩs been rather hellтБатАФgetting back. Remembering things. All such beastly things. All the things thatтБатАФreallyтБатАФI didnтАЩt want to face. I seem to have been an awful coward all my life. Always turning away from things I didnтАЩt want to look at. Refusing to admit them.тАЭ
He got up suddenly and came across to her, dropping his head upon her knees.
тАЬDarling NellтБатАФitтАЩs all right. I know I come first. I do, donтАЩt I?тАЭ
She said: тАЬOf course.тАЭ
Why did her voice sound so mechanical in her own ears? He did come first. Just now, with his lips on hers, she had been swept back again to those wonderful days at the beginning of the war. She had never felt about George like thatтБатАКтБатАж drowned, carried away.
тАЬYou say that so strangelyтБатАФas though you didnтАЩt mean it.тАЭ
тАЬOf course I mean it.тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩm sorry for ChetwyndтБатАФrotten luck for him. How has he taken it? Very hard?тАЭ
тАЬI havenтАЩt told him.тАЭ
тАЬWhat?тАЭ
She was moved to vindicate herself.
тАЬHeтАЩs awayтБатАФin Spain. I havenтАЩt got his address.тАЭ
тАЬOh! I see.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
He paused.
тАЬItтАЩll be rather rotten for you, Nell. But it canтАЩt be helped. WeтАЩll have each other.тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
Vernon looked round.
тАЬChetwynd will have this place, anyway. IтАЩm such an ungenerous beggar that I even grudge him that. But, damn it all, it is my home. ItтАЩs been in the family five hundred years. Oh! what does it all matter? Jane told me once that I couldnтАЩt get everything. IтАЩve got youтБатАФthatтАЩs all that matters. WeтАЩll find some place. Even if itтАЩs only a couple of rooms, it will do.тАЭ
His arms stole up, closing round her. Why did she feel that cold dismay at those words, тАЬA couple of roomsтАЭ?
тАЬDamn these things! They get in my way!тАЭ
ImpetuouslyтБатАФhalf laughingтБатАФhe held up the string of pearls she wore. He switched them offтБатАФflung them on the floor. Her lovely pearls! She thought: тАЬAnyway, I suppose IтАЩll have to give them back.тАЭ Another cold feeling. All those lovely jewels that George had given her.
What a brute she was to go on thinking of things like that.
He had seen something at last. He was kneeling upright, looking at her.
тАЬNell, isтБатАФis anything the matter?тАЭ
тАЬNoтБатАФof course not.тАЭ
She couldnтАЩt meet his eyes. She felt too ashamed.
тАЬThere is something. Tell me.тАЭ
She shook her head.
тАЬItтАЩs nothing.тАЭ
She couldnтАЩt be poor again. She couldnтАЩtтБатАФshe couldnтАЩt.
тАЬNell, you must tell me.тАЭ
He mustnтАЩt knowтБатАФhe must never know what she was really like. She was so ashamed.
тАЬNell, you do love me, donтАЩt you?тАЭ
тАЬOh, yes!тАЭ The words came eagerly. That at any rate was true.
тАЬThen what is it? I know thereтАЩs something.тБатАКтБатАж Ah!тАЭ
He got up. His face had gone white. She looked up at him inquiringly.
тАЬIs it that?тАЭ he asked in a low voice. тАЬIt must be. YouтАЩre going to have a child.тАЭ
She sat as though carved in stone. She had never thought of that. If it were true, it solved everything. Vernon would never know.
тАЬIt is that?тАЭ
Again it seemed as though hours passed. Thoughts went whirling round in her brain. It was not herself, but something outside herself that at last made her bow her head ever so slightly.
He moved a little away. He spoke in a hard dry voice.
тАЬThat alters everything.тБатАКтБатАж My poor Nell! You canтАЩtтБатАФwe canтАЩtтБатАКтБатАж Look here, nobody knowsтБатАФabout me, I meanтБатАФexcept the doctor and Sebastian and Jane. They wonтАЩt split. I was reported dead. I am dead.тАЭ
She made a movement, but he held up a hand to stop her and backed away towards the door.
тАЬDonтАЩt say anythingтБатАФfor GodтАЩs sake, donтАЩt say anything. Words will make it worse. IтАЩm going. I darenтАЩt touch you or kiss you. IтБатАФgoodbye.тАЭ
She heard the door open, made a movement as if to call outтБатАФbut no sound came from her throat. The door shut again.
There was still time. The car hadnтАЩt started.
But still she didnтАЩt move.
She had one moment of searing bitterness when she looked into herself and thought: тАЬSo thatтАЩs what IтАЩm really like.тАЭ
But she made no sound or movement.
Four years of soft living fettered her will, stifled her voice, and paralysed her body.