I
I
The room was full of cigarette smoke. It eddied and drifted about, forming a thin blue haze. Through it came the sound of three voices occupied with the betterment of the human race and the encouragement of artтБатАФespecially art that defied all known conventions.
Sebastian Levinne, leaning back against the ornate marble mantelpiece of his motherтАЩs town house, spoke didactically, gesticulating with the long yellow hand that held his cigarette. The tendency to lisp was still there, but very faint. His yellow Mongolian face, his surprised-looking ears, were much the same as they had been at eleven years old. At twenty-two he was the same Sebastian, sure of himself, perceptive, with the same love of beauty and the same unemotional and unerring sense of values.
In front of him, reclining in two immense leather covered armchairs, were Vernon and Joe. Very much alike these two, cast in the same sharply accentuated black and white mould. But, as of old, JoeтАЩs was the more aggressive personality, energetic, rebellious, vehement. Vernon, an immense length, lay back slothfully in his chair. His long legs rested on the back of another chair. He was blowing smoke rings and smiling thoughtfully to himself. He occasionally contributed grunts to the conversation, or a short lazy sentence.
тАЬThat wouldnтАЩt pay,тАЭ Sebastian had just said decisively.
As he had half expected, Joe was roused at once to the point of virulence.
тАЬWho wants a thing to pay? ItтАЩs soтБатАФso rottenтБатАФthat point of view! Treating everything from a commercial standpoint. I hate it.тАЭ
Sebastian said calmly: тАЬThatтАЩs because youтАЩve got such an incurably romantic view of life. You like poets to starve in garrets, and artists to toil unrecognized, and sculptors to be applauded after they are dead.тАЭ
тАЬWellтБатАФthatтАЩs what happens. Always!тАЭ
тАЬNo, not always. Very often, perhaps. But it neednтАЩt be as often as it is. ThatтАЩs my point. The world never likes anything newтБатАФbut I say it could be made to. Taken the right way, it could be made to. But youтАЩve got to know just what will go down and what wonтАЩt.тАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩs compromise,тАЭ murmured Vernon indistinctly.
тАЬItтАЩs common sense! Why should I lose money by backing my judgment?тАЭ
тАЬOh, Sebastian,тАЭ cried Joe, тАЬyouтБатАФyouтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬJew!тАЭ said Sebastian calmly. тАЬThatтАЩs what you mean. Well, we Jews have got tasteтБатАФwe know when a thing is fine and when it isnтАЩt. We donтАЩt go by the fashionтБатАФwe back our own judgment, and weтАЩre right! People always see the money side of it, but the otherтАЩs there too.тАЭ
Vernon grunted. Sebastian went on:
тАЬThere are two sides to what weтАЩre talking aboutтБатАФthere are people who are thinking of new things, new ways of doing old things, new thoughts altogetherтБатАФand who canтАЩt get their chance because people are afraid of anything new. And there are the other peopleтБатАФthe people who know what the public have always wanted, and who go on giving it to them, because itтАЩs safe and thereтАЩs a sure profit. But thereтАЩs a third wayтБатАФto find things that are new and beautiful, and take a chance on them. ThatтАЩs what IтАЩm going to do. IтАЩm going to run a picture gallery in Bond StreetтБатАФI signed the deeds yesterdayтБатАФand a couple of theatresтБатАФand later I want to run a weekly of some kind on entirely different lines from anything that has been done before. And whatтАЩs more, IтАЩm going to make the whole thing pay. There are all sorts of things that I admire, that a cultivated few would admireтБатАФbut IтАЩm not going out for those. Anything I runтАЩs going to be a popular success. Dash it all, Joe, donтАЩt you see that half the fun of the thing is making it pay? ItтАЩs justifying yourself by success.тАЭ
Joe shook her head, unconvinced.
тАЬAre you really going to have all those things?тАЭ said Vernon.
Both the cousins looked at Sebastian with a tinge of envy. Queer, and rather wonderful, to be in old SebastianтАЩs position. His father had died some years before. Sebastian, at twenty-two, was master of so many millions that it took oneтАЩs breath away to think about them.
The friendship with Sebastian, begun all those years ago at Abbots Puissants, had endured and strengthened. He and Vernon had been friends at Eton, they were at the same college at Cambridge. In the holidays, the three had always managed to spend a good deal of time together.
тАЬWhat about sculpture?тАЭ asked Joe suddenly. тАЬIs that included?тАЭ
тАЬOf course. Are you still keen about taking up modelling?тАЭ
тАЬRather. ItтАЩs the only thing I really care about.тАЭ
A derisive hoot of laughter came from Vernon.
тАЬYes, and what will it be this time next year? YouтАЩll be a frenzied poet or something.тАЭ
тАЬIt takes one some time to find oneтАЩs true vocation,тАЭ said Joe with dignity. тАЬBut IтАЩm really in earnest this time.тАЭ
тАЬYou always are,тАЭ said Vernon. тАЬHowever, thank heaven youтАЩve given up that damned violin.тАЭ
тАЬWhy do you hate music so, Vernon?тАЭ
тАЬDunnoтБатАФI always have.тАЭ
Joe turned back to Sebastian. Unconsciously her voice took on a different note. It sounded ever so faintly constrained.
тАЬWhat do you think of Paul la MarreтАЩs work? Vernon and I went to his studio last Sunday.тАЭ
тАЬNo guts,тАЭ said Sebastian succinctly.
A slight flush rose in JoeтАЩs cheek.
тАЬThatтАЩs simply because you donтАЩt understand what heтАЩs aiming at. I think heтАЩs wonderful.тАЭ
тАЬAnaemic,тАЭ said Sebastian, unperturbed.
тАЬSebastian, I think youтАЩre perfectly hateful sometimes. Just because La Marre has the courage to break away from traditionтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩs not it at all,тАЭ said Sebastian. тАЬA man can break away from tradition by modelling a Stilton cheese and calling it his idea of a nymph bathing. But if he canтАЩt convince you and impress you by doing so, heтАЩs failed. Just doing things differently to anyone else isnтАЩt genius. Nine times out of ten itтАЩs aiming at getting cheap notoriety.тАЭ
The door opened and Mrs.┬аLevinne looked in.
тАЬTeaтАЩth ready, dearths,тАЭ she said, and beamed on them.
Jet dangled and twinkled on her immense bust. A large black hat with feathers sat on top of her elaborately arranged coiffure. She looked the complete symbol of material prosperity. Her eyes dwelt with adoration on Sebastian.
They got up, and prepared to follow her. Sebastian said in a low voice to Joe:
тАЬJoeтБатАФyouтАЩre not angry, are you?тАЭ
There was suddenly something young and pathetic about his voiceтБатАФa pleading in it that exposed him as immature and vulnerable. A moment ago he had been the master spirit laying down the law in complete self-confidence.
тАЬWhy should I be angry?тАЭ said Joe coldly.
She moved towards the door without looking at him. SebastianтАЩs eyes rested on her wistfully. She had that dark magnetic beauty that matures early. Her skin was dead white, and her eyelashes so thick and dark that they looked like jet against the even colour of her cheeks. There was magic in her way of moving, something languorous and passionate that was wholly unconscious as yet of its own appeal. Although she was the youngest of the three, just past her twentieth birthday, she was at the same time the oldest. To her Vernon and Sebastian were boys, and she despised boys. That queer doglike devotion of SebastianтАЩs irritated her. She liked men of experience, men who could say exciting, half understood things. She lowered her white eyelids for a moment, remembering Paul la Marre.
II
Mrs.┬аLevinneтАЩs drawing-room was a curious mixture of sheer blatant opulence, and an almost austere good taste. The opulence was due to herтБатАФshe liked velvet hangings and rich cushions and marble and gildingтБатАФthe taste was SebastianтАЩs. It was he who had torn down a medley of pictures from the wall and substituted two of his own choosing. His mother was reconciled to their plainness, as she called it, by the immense price that had been paid for them. The old Spanish leather screen was one of her sonтАЩs presents to herтБатАФso was the exquisite cloisonn├й vase.
Seated behind an unusually massive silver tea-tray, Mrs.┬аLevinne raised the teapot with two hands and made conversational inquiries, lisping slightly.
тАЬAnd howтАЩth your dear mother? She never comes to town nowadays. You tell her from me sheтАЩll be getting rusty.тАЭ
She laughed, a good-natured fat wheezy chuckle.
тАЬIтАЩve never regretted having this town houтАЩth as well as a country one. Deerfields is all very well, but one wantth a bit of life. And of course Sebastian will be home soon for goodтБатАФand that full of schemes as he ith! Well, well, his father was much the same. Went into deals against everybodyтАЩth advice, and instead of losing his money he doubled and trebled it every time. A smart fellow, my poor Yakob.тАЭ
Sebastian thought to himself: тАЬI wish she wouldnтАЩt. ThatтАЩs just the sort of remark Joe always hates. JoeтАЩs always against me nowadays.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
Mrs.┬аLevinne went on: тАЬIтАЩve got a box for Kings in Arcady on Wednesday night. What about it, my dearth? Will you come?тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩm awfully sorry, Mrs.┬аLevinne,тАЭ said Vernon. тАЬI wish we could. But weтАЩre going down to Birmingham tomorrow.тАЭ
тАЬOh! youтАЩre going home.тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
Why hadnтАЩt he said тАЬgoing homeтАЭ? Why did it sound so fantastic in his ears? There was only one home, of courseтБатАФAbbots Puissants. Home! A queer word, so many meanings to it. It reminded him of the ridiculous words of a song that one of JoeтАЩs young men used to bray out (what a damnable thing music was!) while he fingered his collar and looked at her sentimentally. тАЬHome, love, is where the heart is, whereтАЩer the heart may beтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
But in that case his home ought to be in Birmingham where his mother was.
He experienced that faint feeling of disquietude that always came over him when he thought of his mother. He was very fond of her, naturally. Mothers, of course, were hopeless people to explain things to, they never understood. But he was very fond of herтБатАФit would be unnatural if he wasnтАЩt. As she so often said, he was all she had.
Suddenly a little imp seemed to jump in VernonтАЩs brain. The imp said suddenly and unexpectedly: тАЬWhat rot you are talking! SheтАЩs got the house, and the servants to talk to and bully, and friends to gossip with, and her own people all round her. SheтАЩd miss all that far more than sheтАЩd miss you. She loves you, but sheтАЩs relieved when you go back to CambridgeтБатАФand even then sheтАЩs not as relieved as you are!тАЭ
тАЬVernon!тАЭ It was JoeтАЩs voice, sharp with annoyance. тАЬWhat are you thinking of? Mrs.┬аLevinne was asking about Abbots PuissantsтБатАФif itтАЩs still let?тАЭ
How fortunate that when people said, тАЬWhat are you thinking about?тАЭ they didnтАЩt in the least mean that they wanted to know! Still, you could always say тАЬNothing much,тАЭ just as when you were small you had said тАЬNothing.тАЭ
He answered Mrs.┬аLevinneтАЩs questions, promised to deliver her various messages to his mother.
Sebastian saw them to the door, they said a final goodbye and walked out into the London streets. Joe sniffed the air ecstatically.
тАЬHow I love London! You know, Vernon, my mindтАЩs made up. IтАЩm coming up to London to study. IтАЩm going to tackle Aunt Myra about it this time. And I wonтАЩt live with Aunt Ethel, either. IтАЩm going to be on my own.тАЭ
тАЬYou canтАЩt do that, Joe. Girls donтАЩt.тАЭ
тАЬThey do. I could share rooms with another girl or girls. But to live with Aunt Ethel, always asking me where IтАЩm going, and who withтБатАФI just canтАЩt stand it. And anyway she hates me being a suffragette.тАЭ
The Aunt Ethel they referred to was Aunt CarrieтАЩs sister, an aunt by courtesy only. They were staying with her at the present moment.
тАЬOh, and that reminds me,тАЭ went on Joe. тАЬYouтАЩve got to do something for me, Vernon.тАЭ
тАЬWhat?тАЭ
тАЬTomorrow afternoon Mrs.┬аCartwrightтАЩs taking me to that Titanic Concert as a special treat.тАЭ
тАЬWell?тАЭ
тАЬWell, I donтАЩt want to goтБатАФthatтАЩs all.тАЭ
тАЬYou can make some excuse or other, I suppose.тАЭ
тАЬItтАЩs not so easy as that. You see, Aunt EthelтАЩs got to think IтАЩve gone to the concert. I donтАЩt want her ferreting out where I am going.тАЭ
Vernon gave a whistle.
тАЬOh! so thatтАЩs it? What are you really up to, Joe? Who is it this time?тАЭ
тАЬItтАЩs La Marre, if you really want to know.тАЭ
тАЬThat bounder.тАЭ
тАЬHeтАЩs not a bounder. HeтАЩs wonderfulтБатАФyou donтАЩt know how wonderful he is.тАЭ
Vernon grinned.
тАЬNo, indeed I donтАЩt. I donтАЩt like Frenchmen.тАЭ
тАЬYouтАЩre so horribly insular. But it doesnтАЩt matter whether you like him or not. HeтАЩs going to motor me down to the country to a friendтАЩs house where his chef dтАЩoeuvre is. I do so want to go, and you know perfectly that Aunt Ethel would never let me.тАЭ
тАЬYou oughtnтАЩt to go racketing about the country with a fellow like that.тАЭ
тАЬDonтАЩt be an ass, Vernon. DonтАЩt you know that I can look after myself?тАЭ
тАЬOh! I suppose so.тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩm not one of those silly girls who know nothing about anything.тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt see, though, where I come in.тАЭ
тАЬWell, you see,тАЭ Joe displayed a trace of anxiety. тАЬYouтАЩre to go to the concert.тАЭ
тАЬNo, I wonтАЩt do anything of the kind. You know I hate music.тАЭ
тАЬOh! you must, Vernon. ItтАЩs the only way. If I say I canтАЩt go, sheтАЩll ring up Aunt Ethel and suggest one of the girls coming instead, and then the fat will be in the fire. But if you just turn up instead of meтБатАФIтАЩm to meet her at the Albert HallтБатАФand give some weak excuse, everything will be all right. SheтАЩs very fond of youтБатАФshe likes you heaps better than me.тАЭ
тАЬBut I loathe music.тАЭ
тАЬI know, but you can just bear it for one afternoon. An hour and a half. ThatтАЩs all it will be.тАЭ
тАЬOh, damn it all, Joe, I donтАЩt want to.тАЭ
His hand shook with irritation. Joe stared at him.
тАЬYou are funny about music, Vernon! IтАЩve never known anyone who sort ofтБатАФwell, hates it like you. Most people just donтАЩt care for it. But I do think you might goтБатАФyou know I always do things for you.тАЭ
тАЬAll right,тАЭ said Vernon abruptly.
It was no good. It had got to be. Joe and he always stood together. After all, as she had said, it would only be an hour and a half. Why should he feel that he had taken a momentous decision? His heart felt like leadтБатАФright down in his boots. He didnтАЩt want to goтБатАФoh! he didnтАЩt want to go!
Like a visit to the dentistтБатАФbest not to think about it. He forced his mind away to other things. Joe looked up sharply as she heard him give vent to a chuckle.
тАЬWhat is it?тАЭ
тАЬI was thinking of you as a kidтБатАФso grand about saying you were never going to have anything to do with men. And now itтАЩs always men with you, one after the other. You fall in and out of love about once a month.тАЭ
тАЬDonтАЩt be so horrid, Vernon. Those were just silly girlsтАЩ fancies. La Marre says if you have any temperament that always happensтБатАФbut the real grand passion is quite different when it comes.тАЭ
тАЬWell, donтАЩt go and have a grand passion for La Marre.тАЭ
Joe did not answer. Presently she said:
тАЬIтАЩm not like Mother. Mother wasтБатАФwas so soft about men. She gave in to themтБатАФwould do anything for anyone she was fond of. IтАЩm not like that.тАЭ
тАЬNo,тАЭ said Vernon, after thinking for a moment. тАЬNo, I donтАЩt think you are. You wonтАЩt make a mess of your life in the same way she did. But you might make a mess of it in a different way.тАЭ
тАЬWhat sort of a way?тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt quite know. Going and marrying someone you thought you had a grand passion for, just because everyone else disliked him, and then spending your life fighting him. Or deciding to go and live with someone just because you thought Free Love was a fine idea.тАЭ
тАЬSo it is.тАЭ
тАЬOh! I am not saying it isnтАЩtтБатАФthough as a matter of fact, I really think it is antisocial myself. But youтАЩre always the same. If anyone forbids you anything you always want to do itтБатАФquite irrespective of whether you really want to. I havenтАЩt put that well, but you know what I mean.тАЭ
тАЬWhat I really want is to do something! To be a great sculptor.тАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩs because youтАЩve got a pash for La Marre.тАЭ
тАЬIt isnтАЩt. Oh! Vernon, why will you be so trying? IтАЩve always wanted to do somethingтБатАФalwaysтБатАФalways! I used to say so at Abbots Puissants.тАЭ
тАЬItтАЩs odd,тАЭ said Vernon thoughtfully. тАЬOld Sebastian used to say then very much what he says now. Perhaps one doesnтАЩt change as much as one thinks.тАЭ
тАЬYou were going to marry someone very beautiful and live at Abbots Puissants always,тАЭ said Joe with slight scorn. тАЬYou donтАЩt still feel that to be your lifeтАЩs ambition, do you?тАЭ
тАЬOne might do worse,тАЭ said Vernon.
тАЬLazyтБатАФdownright lazy!тАЭ
Joe looked at him in unconcealed impatience. She and Vernon were so alike in some ways, and so different in others!
Vernon was thinking, тАЬAbbots Puissants. In a year I shall be twenty-one.тАЭ
They were passing a Salvation Army meeting. Joe stopped. A thin, white-faced man was standing on a box. His voice, high and raucous, came echoing across to them:
тАЬWhy wonтАЩt you be saved? Why wonтАЩt you? Jesus wants you! Jesus wants you!тАЭ Tremendous emphasis on the you. тАЬYes, brothers and sisters, and IтАЩll tell you something more. You want Jesus. You wonтАЩt admit it to yourselves, you turn your back on him, youтАЩre afraidтБатАФthatтАЩs what it is, youтАЩre afraid, because you want him so badlyтБатАФyou want him and you donтАЩt know!тАЭ His arms waved, his white face shone with ecstasy. тАЬBut you will knowтБатАФyou will knowтБатАФthere are things that you canтАЩt run away from forever.тАЭ He spoke slowly, almost menacingly. тАЬI say unto you, this very night shall thy soul be required of thee.тАЭ
Vernon turned away with a slight shiver. A woman on the outskirts of the crowd gave a hysterical sob.
тАЬDisgusting,тАЭ said Joe, her nose very much in the air. тАЬIndecent and hysterical! For my part, I canтАЩt see how any rational being can be anything but an atheist.тАЭ
Vernon smiled to himself, though he said nothing. He was remembering the time, a year ago, when Joe had risen every day to attend early service and had insisted on eating a boiled egg with some ostentation on Fridays, and had sat spellbound listening to the somewhat uninteresting but strictly dogmatical sermons of handsome Father Cuthbert at the Church of St.┬аBartholomewтАЩs, which was reputed to be so тАЬhighтАЭ that Rome itself could do no more.
тАЬI wonder,тАЭ he said aloud, тАЬwhat it would feel like to be тАШsavedтАЩ?тАЭ
III
It was half-past six on the following afternoon when Joe returned from her stolen dayтАЩs pleasure. Her Aunt Ethel met her in the hall.
тАЬWhereтАЩs Vernon?тАЭ inquired Joe, in case she might be asked how she had liked the concert.
тАЬHe came in about half an hour ago. He said there was nothing the matter, but somehow I donтАЩt think heтАЩs very well.тАЭ
тАЬOh!тАЭ Joe stared. тАЬWhere is he? In his room? IтАЩll go up and see.тАЭ
тАЬI wish you would, dear. Really he didnтАЩt look well at all.тАЭ
Joe ran quickly up the stairs, gave a perfunctory rap on VernonтАЩs door and walked in. Vernon was sitting on his bed, and something in his appearance gave Joe a shock. She had never seen Vernon look quite like this.
He didnтАЩt answer. He had the dazed look of someone who has undergone a terrible shock. It was as though he were too far away to be reached by mere words.
тАЬVernon.тАЭ She shook him by the shoulder. тАЬWhat is the matter with you?тАЭ
He heard her this time.
тАЬNothing.тАЭ
тАЬThere must be something. YouтАЩre lookingтБатАФyouтАЩre lookingтБатАФтАЭ
Words failed her to express how he was looking. She left it at that.
тАЬNothing,тАЭ he repeated dully.
She sat down on the bed beside him.
тАЬTell me,тАЭ she said gently but authoritatively.
A long shuddering sigh broke from Vernon.
тАЬJoe, do you remember that man yesterday?тАЭ
тАЬWhich man?тАЭ
тАЬThat Salvation Army chapтБатАФthose cant phrases he used. And that oneтБатАФa fine oneтБатАФfrom the Bible: This night shall thy soul be required of thee. I said afterwards I wondered what it would be like to be saved. Just idly. Well, I know!тАЭ
Joe stared at him. Vernon! Oh! but such a thing was impossible.
тАЬDo you meanтБатАФdo you meanтБатАФтАЭ Difficult somehow to get the words. тАЬDo you mean youтАЩve тАШgot religionтАЩтБатАФsuddenlyтБатАФlike people do?тАЭ
She felt it was ridiculous as she said it. She was relieved when he gave a sudden spurt of laughter.
тАЬReligion? Good God, no! Or is it that for some people? I wonderтБатАКтБатАж No, I meanтБатАФтАЭ He hesitated, brought the word out at last very softly, almost as though he dared not speak it. тАЬMusic.тАЭ
тАЬMusic?тАЭ She was still utterly at sea.
тАЬYes. Joe, do you remember Nurse Frances?тАЭ
тАЬNurse Frances? No, I donтАЩt think I do. Who was she?тАЭ
тАЬOf course you wouldnтАЩt. It was before you cameтБатАФthe time I broke my leg. IтАЩve always remembered something she said to me. About not being in a hurry to run away from things before youтАЩve had a good look. Well, thatтАЩs what happened to me today. I couldnтАЩt run away any longerтБатАФI just had to look. Joe, musicтАЩs the most wonderful thing in the worldтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬButтБатАФbutтБатАФyouтАЩve always saidтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬI know. ThatтАЩs why itтАЩs been such an awful shock. Not that I mean music is so wonderful nowтБатАФbut it could beтБатАФif you had it as it was meant to be! Little bits of it are uglyтБатАФitтАЩs like going up to a picture and seeing a nasty grey smear of paintтБатАФbut go to a distance and it falls into its place as the most wonderful shadow. ItтАЩs got to be a whole. I still think one violinтАЩs ugly, and a pianoтАЩs beastlyтБатАФbut useful in a way, I suppose. ButтБатАФoh! Joe, music could be so wonderfulтБатАФI know it could.тАЭ
Joe was silent, bewildered. She understood now what Vernon had meant by his opening words. His face had the queer dreamy exaltation that one associated with religious fervour. And yet she was a little frightened. His face had always expressed so little. Now, she thought, it expressed too much. It was a worse face or a better faceтБатАФjust as you chose to look on it.
He went on talking, hardly to her, more to himself.
тАЬThere were nine orchestras, you know. All massed. Sound can be glorious if you get enough of itтБатАФI donтАЩt mean just loudnessтБатАФit shows more when itтАЩs soft. But there must be enough. I donтАЩt know what they playedтБатАФnothing, I think, that was real. But it showed oneтБатАФit showed oneтБатАФтАЭ
He turned queer bright excited eyes upon her.
тАЬThereтАЩs so much to knowтБатАФto learn. I donтАЩt want to play thingsтБатАФnever that. But I want to know about every instrument there is. What it can do, what are its limitations, what are its possibilities. And the notes, too. There are notes they donтАЩt useтБатАФnotes that they ought to use. I know there are. Do you know what musicтАЩs like now, Joe? ItтАЩs like the little sturdy Norman pillars in the crypt of Gloucester Cathedral. ItтАЩs at its beginnings, thatтАЩs all.тАЭ
He sat silent, leaning forward dreamily.
тАЬWell, I think youтАЩve gone quite mad,тАЭ said Joe.
She tried on purpose to make her voice sound practical and matter-of-fact. But, in spite of herself, she was impressed. That white-hot conviction. And she had always thought Vernon rather a slow coachтБатАФreactionary, prejudiced, unimaginative.
тАЬIтАЩve got to begin to learn. As soon as ever I can. Oh! itтАЩs awfulтБатАФto have wasted twenty years!тАЭ
тАЬNonsense,тАЭ said Joe. тАЬYou couldnтАЩt have studied music when you were an infant in a cot.тАЭ
He smiled at that. He was coming out of his trance by degrees.
тАЬYou think IтАЩm mad? I suppose it must sound like that. But IтАЩm not. And oh! Joe, itтАЩs the most awful relief. As though you had been pretending for years, and now you neednтАЩt pretend any more. IтАЩve been horribly afraid of musicтБатАФalways. NowтБатАФтАЭ
He sat up, squared his shoulders.
тАЬIтАЩm going to workтБатАФwork like a nigger. IтАЩm going to know the ins and outs of every instrument. By the way, there must be more instruments in the worldтБатАФmany more. There ought to be a kind of waily thingтБатАФIтАЩve heard it somewhere. YouтАЩd want tenтБатАФfifteen of those. And about fifty harps.тАЭ
He sat there, planning composedly details that to Joe sounded sheer nonsense. Yet it was evident that to his inner vision some event was perfectly clear.
тАЬItтАЩll be supper time in ten minutes,тАЭ Joe reminded him timidly.
тАЬOh! will it? What a nuisance. I want to stay here and think and hear things in my head. Tell Aunt Ethel IтАЩve got a headache or that IтАЩve been frightfully sick. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to be sick.тАЭ
And somehow that impressed Joe more than anything else. It was a homely familiar happening. When anything upset you very much, either pleasurably or otherwise, you always wanted to be sick! She had felt that herself, often.
She stood in the door hesitating. Vernon had relapsed into abstraction again. How queer he lookedтБатАФquite different. As thoughтБатАФas thoughтБатАФJoe sought for the words she wantedтБатАФas though he had suddenly come alive.
She was a little frightened.