Book + 

IV + 

War + 

I + 

I + 

It was six months later that Sebastian Levinne had a letter from Joe. + 

Dear Sebastian: IтАЩm over in England for a few days. I should love to see you. Yours, Joe. + 

Sebastian read and reread the brief note. He was at his motherтАЩs house on a few daysтАЩ leave, so it had reached him with no delay. Across the breakfast table he was conscious of his motherтАЩs eyes watching him, and he marvelled as he had often done before, at the quickness of her maternal apprehension. She read his face, which most people found so inscrutable, as easily as he read the note in his hand. + 

When she spoke it was in ordinary commonplace tones. + 

тАЬThome more marmalade, dear?тАЭ she said. + 

тАЬNo, thanks, Mother.тАЭ He answered the spoken question first, then went on to the unspoken one of which he was so keenly conscious. тАЬItтАЩs from Joe.тАЭ + 

тАЬJoe,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аLevinne. Her voice expressed nothing. + 

тАЬSheтАЩs in London.тАЭ + 

There was a pause. + 

тАЬI see,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аLevinne. + 

Still her voice expressed nothing. But Sebastian was aware of a whole tumult of feeling. It was the same to him as though his mother had burst out: тАЬMy son, my son! And you were just beginning to forget her! Why does she come back like this? Why canтАЩt she leave you alone? This girl who has nothing to do with us or our race? This girl who was never the right wife for you and never will be.тАЭ + 

Sebastian rose. + 

тАЬI think I must go round and see her.тАЭ + 

His mother answered in the same voice: тАЬI suppose so.тАЭ + 

They said no more. They understood each other. Each respected the otherтАЩs point of view. + 

As he swung along the street, it suddenly occurred to Sebastian that Joe had given him no clue as to what name she was staying under at the hotel. Did she call herself Miss Waite or Madame de la Marre? Unimportant, of course, but one of those silly conventional absurdities that made one feel awkward. He must ask for her under one or the other. How like Joe it was to have completely overlooked the point! + 

But as it happened there was no awkwardness, for the first person he saw as he passed through the swing doors was Joe herself. She greeted him with a glad cry of surprise. + 

тАЬSebastian! IтАЩd no idea you could possibly have got my letter so soon!тАЭ + 

She led the way to a retired corner of the lounge and he followed her. + 

His first feeling was that she had changedтБатАФshe had gone so far away that she was almost a stranger. It was partly, he thought, her clothes. They were ultra-French clothes. Very quiet and dark and discreet, but utterly un-English. Her face, too, was very much made up. Its creamy pallor was enhanced by art, her lips were impossibly red and she had done something to the corners of her eyes. + 

He thought, тАЬSheтАЩs a strangerтБатАФand yet sheтАЩs Joe! SheтАЩs the same Joe but sheтАЩs gone a long way awayтБатАФso far away that one can only just get in touch with her.тАЭ + 

But they talked together easily enough, each, as it were, putting out little feelers, as though sounding the distance that separated them. And suddenly the distance itself lessened and the elegant Parisian stranger melted into Joe. + 

They talked of Vernon. Where was he? He never wrote or told one anything. + 

тАЬHeтАЩs on Salisbury Plain, near Wiltsbury. He may be going out to France any minute.тАЭ + 

тАЬAnd Nell married him after all! Sebastian, I feel I was rather a beast about Nell. I didnтАЩt think she had it in her. I donтАЩt think she would have had it in her if it hadnтАЩt been for the war. Sebastian, isnтАЩt the war wonderful? What itтАЩs doing for people, I mean.тАЭ + 

Sebastian said dryly that he supposed it was very much like any other war. Joe flew out at him vehemently. + 

тАЬIt isnтАЩt! It isnтАЩt! ThatтАЩs just where youтАЩre wrong. ThereтАЩs going to be a new world after it. People are beginning to see thingsтБатАФthings they never saw before. All the cruelty and the wickedness and the waste of war. And theyтАЩll stand together so that such a thing shall never happen again.тАЭ + 

Her face was flushed and exalted. Sebastian perceived that the war had, as he phrased it, тАЬgotтАЭ Joe. The war did get people. He had discussed it and deplored it with Jane. It made him sick to read the things that were printed and said about the war. тАЬA world fit for heroes.тАЭ тАЬThe war to end war.тАЭ тАЬThe fight for democracy.тАЭ And really, all the time it was the same old bloody business it always had been. Why couldnтАЩt people speak the truth about it? + 

Jane had disagreed with him. She maintained that the claptrap (for she agreed it was claptrap) which was written about war was inevitable, a kind of accompanying phenomenon inseparable from it. It was NatureтАЩs way of providing a way of escapeтБатАФyou had to have that wall of illusion and lies to help you to endure the solid facts. It was, to her, pitiable and almost beautifulтБатАФthese things that we wanted to believe and told ourselves so speciously. + 

Sebastian had said: тАЬI dare say, but itтАЩs going to play hell with the nation afterwards.тАЭ + 

He was saddened and a little depressed by JoeтАЩs fiery enthusiasm. And yet, after all, it was typical of Joe. Her enthusiasm always was red-hot. It was a toss-up which camp he found her in, that was all. She might just as easily have been a white-hot pacifist, embracing martyrdom with fervour. + 

She said now accusingly to Sebastian: тАЬYou donтАЩt agree! You think everythingтАЩs going to be just the same.тАЭ + 

тАЬThere have always been wars, and they have never made any great difference.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, but this is a different kind of war altogether.тАЭ + 

He smiled. He could not help it. + 

тАЬMy dear Joe, the things that happen to us personally are always different.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! IтАЩve no patience with you. ItтАЩs people like youтБатАФтАЭ + 

She stopped. + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ said Sebastian encouragingly. тАЬPeople like meтБатАФтАЭ + 

тАЬYou usenтАЩt to be like that. You used to have ideas. NowтБатАФтАЭ + 

тАЬNow,тАЭ said Sebastian gravely, тАЬI am sunk in money. IтАЩm a capitalist. Everyone knows what a hoggish creature the capitalist is.тАЭ + 

тАЬDonтАЩt be absurd. But I do think that money is ratherтБатАФwell, stifling.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ said Sebastian, тАЬthatтАЩs true enough. But thatтАЩs a question of effect on an individual. I will quite agree with you that poverty is a blessed state. Talking in terms of art, itтАЩs probably as valuable as manure in a garden. But itтАЩs nonsense to say that because IтАЩve got money, IтАЩm unfit to make prognostications as to the future, and especially as to the state obtaining after the war. Just because IтАЩve got money IтАЩm all the more likely to be a good judge. Money has got a lot to do with war.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, but because you think of everything in terms of money, you say that there always will be wars.тАЭ + 

тАЬI didnтАЩt say anything of the kind. I think war will eventually be abolished. IтАЩd give it roughly another two hundred years.тАЭ + 

тАЬAh! you do admit that by then we may have purer ideals.тАЭ + 

тАЬI donтАЩt think itтАЩs got anything to do with ideals. ItтАЩs probably a question of transport. Once you get flying going on a commercial scale and you fuse countries together. Air charabancs to the Sahara Wednesdays and Saturdays. That kind of thing. Countries getting mixed up and matey. Trade revolutionized. For all practical purposes, you make the world smaller. You reduce it in time to the level of a nation with counties in it. I donтАЩt think whatтАЩs always alluded to as the Brotherhood of Man will ever develop from fine ideasтБатАФit will be a simple matter of common sense.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, Sebastian!тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm annoying you. IтАЩm sorry, Joe dear.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou donтАЩt believe in anything.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, itтАЩs you who are the atheist, you know. Though, as a matter of fact, that word has gone out of fashion. We say nowadays that we believe in Something! Personally IтАЩm quite satisfied with Jehovah. But I know what you meant when you said that, and youтАЩre wrong. I believe in beauty, in creation, in things like VernonтАЩs music. I canтАЩt see any real defence for them economically, and yet IтАЩm perfectly sure that they matter more than anything else in the world. IтАЩm even prepared (sometimes) to drop money over them. ThatтАЩs a lot for a Jew!тАЭ + 

Joe laughed in spite of herself. Then she asked: тАЬWhat was The Princess in the Tower really like? Honestly, Sebastian?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, rather like a giant toddlingтБатАФan unconvincing performance, and yet a performance on a different scale from anything else.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou think that some dayтБатАФтАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm sure of it. ThereтАЩs nothing IтАЩm so sure of as that. If only he isnтАЩt killed in this bloody war.тАЭ + 

Joe shivered. + 

тАЬItтАЩs so awful,тАЭ she murmured. тАЬIтАЩve been working in the hospitals in Paris. Some of the things one sees!тАЭ + 

тАЬI know. If heтАЩs only maimed it doesnтАЩt matterтБатАФnot like a violinist who is finished if he loses his right hand. No, they can mess up his body any way they like, so long as his brain is left untouched. That sounds brutal, but you know what I mean.тАЭ + 

тАЬI know. But sometimesтБатАФeven thenтБатАФтАЭ She broke off and then went on, speaking in a new tone of voice. тАЬSebastian, IтАЩm married.тАЭ + 

If something in him winced he didnтАЩt show it. + 

тАЬAre you, my dear? Did La Marre get a divorce?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo. I left him. He was a beastтБатАФa beast, Sebastian.тАЭ + 

тАЬI can imagine he might be.тАЭ + 

тАЬNot that I regret anything. One has to live oneтАЩs lifeтБатАФto gain experience. Anything is better than shrinking from life. ThatтАЩs just what people like Aunt Myra canтАЩt understand. IтАЩm not going near them at Birmingham. IтАЩm not ashamed or repentant of anything IтАЩve done.тАЭ + 

She gazed at him defiantly and his mind went back to Joe in the woods at Abbots Puissants. He thought: тАЬSheтАЩs just the same. Wrongheaded, rebellious, adorable. One might have known then that sheтАЩd do this sort of thing.тАЭ + 

He said gently: тАЬIтАЩm only sorry that youтАЩve been unhappy. Because you have been unhappy, havenтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬHorribly. But IтАЩve found my real life now. There was a boy in hospitalтБатАФterribly badly wounded. They gave him morphia.тБатАФHeтАЩs been discharged nowтБатАФcured, though of course he isnтАЩt fit for service. But the morphiaтБатАФitтАЩs got hold of him. ThatтАЩs why we were married. A fortnight ago. WeтАЩre going to fight it together.тАЭ + 

Sebastian did not trust himself to speak. Joe all over. But why, in the name of fortune, couldnтАЩt she have been content with physical disabilities? Morphia. A ghastly business. + 

And suddenly a pang shot through him. It was as though he resigned his last hope of her. Their ways led in opposite directionsтБатАФJoe amongst her lost causes and her lame dogs, and he on an upward route. He might, of course, be killed in the war, but somehow he didnтАЩt think he would be. He was almost certain that he wouldnтАЩt even be picturesquely wounded. He felt a kind of certitude that he would come through safely, probably with moderate distinction, that he would come back to his enterprises, reorganizing and revitalizing them; that he would be successful, notably successful, in a world that did not tolerate failures. And the higher he climbed the further he would be separated from Joe. + 

He thought bitterly, тАЬThereтАЩs always some woman to pull you out of a pit, but nobody will come and keep you company on a mountain peak, and yet you may be damned lonely there.тАЭ + 

He didnтАЩt quite know what to say to Joe. No good depressing her, poor child. He said rather weakly: + 

тАЬWhatтАЩs your name now?тАЭ + 

тАЬValni├иre. You must meet Fran├зois some time. IтАЩve just come over to settle up some legal bothers. Father died about a month ago, you know.тАЭ + 

Sebastian nodded. He remembered hearing of Major WaiteтАЩs death. + 

Joe went on. + 

тАЬI want to see Jane. And I want to see Vernon and Nell.тАЭ + 

It was settled that he should motor her down to Wiltsbury on the following day. + 

II + 

Nell and Vernon had rooms in a small prim house about a mile out of Wiltsbury. Vernon, looking well and brown, fell upon Joe and hugged her with enthusiasm. + 

They all went into a room full of antimacassars and lunched off boiled mutton and caper sauce. + 

тАЬVernon, you look splendidтБатАФand almost good-looking, doesnтАЩt he, Nell?тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs the uniform,тАЭ said Nell demurely. + 

She had changed, Sebastian thought, looking at her. He had not seen her since her marriage, four months previously. To him she had always fallen into a classтБатАФa certain type of charming young girl. Now he saw her as an individualтБатАФthe real Nell bursting out of her chrysalis. + 

There was a subdued radiance about her. She was quieter than she used to be, and yet she was more alive. They were happy togetherтБатАФno one who looked at them could doubt it. They seldom looked at each other, but when they did you felt it. Something passed between themтБатАФdelicate, evanescent, but unmistakable. + 

It was a happy meal. They talked of old daysтБатАФof Abbots Puissants. + 

тАЬAnd here we are, all four of us together again,тАЭ said Joe. + 

A warm feeling fastened round NellтАЩs heart. Joe had included her. All four of us, she had said. Nell remembered how once Vernon had said тАЬWe three,тАЭ and the words had hurt her. But that was over now. She was one of them. That was her rewardтБатАФone of her rewards. Life seemed full of rewards at the moment. + 

She was happyтБатАФso terribly happy. And she might so easily not have been happy. She might have been actually married to George when the war broke out. How could she ever have been so incredibly foolish as to think that anything mattered except marrying Vernon? How extraordinarily happy they were and how right he had been to say poverty didnтАЩt matter. + 

It wasnтАЩt as though she were the only one. Lots of girls were doing itтБатАФflinging up everything, marrying the man they cared for no matter how poor he was. After the war something would turn up. That was the attitude. And behind it lay that awful secret fear that you never took out and looked at properly. The nearest you ever got to it was saying defiantly, тАЬAnd no matter what happens, weтАЩll have had something.тАЭ + 

She thought: тАЬThe worldтАЩs changing. EverythingтАЩs different now. It always will be. WeтАЩll never go back.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

She looked across the table at Joe. Joe looked different somehowтБатАФvery queer. What you would have called before the warтБатАФwell, тАЬnot quite.тАЭ What had Joe been doing with herself? That nasty man, La MarreтБатАКтБатАж Oh, well, better not think about it. Nothing mattered nowadays. + 

Joe was so nice to herтБатАФso different to what she used to be in the old days when Nell had always felt uncomfortably that Joe despised her. Perhaps she had cause. She had been a little coward. + 

The war was awful, of course, but it had simplified things. Her mother, for instance, had come round almost at once. She was disappointed naturally about George Chetwynd (poor George, he really was a dear and sheтАЩd been a beast to him), but Mrs.┬аVereker proceeded to make the best of things with admirable common sense. + 

тАЬThese war marriages!тАЭ She used that phrase with a tiny shrug of the shoulders. тАЬPoor childrenтБатАФyou canтАЩt blame them. Not wise, perhapsтБатАФbut what is wisdom at a time like this?тАЭ Mrs.┬аVereker needed all her skill and all her wit to deal with her creditors and she had come off pretty well. Some of them even felt sympathy for her. + 

If she and Vernon didnтАЩt really like each other, they concealed the fact quite creditably, and as a matter of fact, had only met once since the marriage. It had all been so easy. + 

Perhaps, if you had courage, things were always easy. Perhaps that was the great secret of life. + 

Nell pondered, then waking from her reverie plunged once more into the conversation. + 

Sebastian was speaking. + 

тАЬWeтАЩre going to look Jane up when we get back to town. IтАЩve not so much as heard of her for ages. Have you, Vernon?тАЭ + 

Vernon shook his head. + 

тАЬNo,тАЭ he said, тАЬI havenтАЩt.тАЭ + 

He tried to speak naturally but didnтАЩt quite succeed. + 

тАЬSheтАЩs very nice,тАЭ said Nell. тАЬButтБатАФwell, rather difficult, isnтАЩt she? I mean you never quite know what sheтАЩs thinking about.тАЭ + 

тАЬShe might be occasionally disconcerting,тАЭ Sebastian allowed. + 

тАЬSheтАЩs an angel,тАЭ said Joe with vehemence. + 

Nell was watching Vernon. She thought, тАЬI wish heтАЩd say somethingтБатАКтБатАж anythingтБатАКтБатАж IтАЩm afraid of Jane. I always have been. SheтАЩs a devil.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬProbably,тАЭ said Sebastian, тАЬsheтАЩs gone to Russia or Timbuktu or Mozambique. One would never be surprised with Jane.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow long is it since youтАЩve seen her?тАЭ asked Joe. + 

тАЬExactly? Oh, about three weeks.тАЭ + 

тАЬIs that all? I thought you meant really ages.тАЭ + 

тАЬIt seems like it,тАЭ said Sebastian. + 

They began to talk of JoeтАЩs hospital in Paris. Then they talked of Myra and Uncle Sydney. Myra was very well and making an incredible quantity of swabs and also did duty twice a week at a canteen. Uncle Sydney was well on the way to making a second fortune having started the manufacture of explosives. + 

тАЬHeтАЩs got off the mark early,тАЭ said Sebastian appreciatively. тАЬThis warтАЩs not going to be over for three years at least.тАЭ + 

They argued the point. The days of an тАЬoptimistic six monthsтАЭ were over, but three years were regarded as too gloomy a view. Sebastian talked about explosives, the state of Russia, the food question, and submarines. He was a little dictatorial, since he was perfectly sure that he was right. + 

At five oтАЩclock Sebastian and Joe got into the car and drove back to London. Vernon and Nell stood in the road waving. + 

тАЬWell,тАЭ said Nell, тАЬthatтАЩs that.тАЭ She slipped her arm through VernonтАЩs. тАЬIтАЩm glad you were able to get off today. Joe would have been awfully disappointed not to see you.тАЭ + 

тАЬDo you think sheтАЩs changed?тАЭ + 

тАЬA little. DonтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

They were strolling along the road and they turned off where a track led over the downs. + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ said Vernon, with a sigh. тАЬI suppose it was inevitable.тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm glad sheтАЩs married. I think itтАЩs very fine of her. DonтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, yes. Joe was always warmhearted, bless her!тАЭ + 

He spoke abstractedly. Nell glanced up at him. She realized now that he had been rather silent all day. The others had done most of the talking. + 

тАЬIтАЩm glad they came,тАЭ she said again. + 

Vernon didnтАЩt answer. She pressed her arm against his and felt him press it against his side. But his silence persisted. + 

It was getting dark and the air came sharp and cold, but they did not turn back, walked on and on without speaking. So they had often walked beforeтБатАФsilent and happy. But this silence was different. There was weight in it and menace. + 

Suddenly Nell knew. + 

тАЬVernon! ItтАЩs come! YouтАЩve got to go.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

He pressed her hand closer still but did not speak. + 

тАЬVernonтБатАКтБатАж when?тАЭ + 

тАЬNext Thursday.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh!тАЭ She stood still. Agony shot through her. It had come. She had known it was bound to come, but she hadnтАЩt knownтБатАФquiteтБатАФwhat it was going to feel like. + 

тАЬNell, Nell.тБатАКтБатАж DonтАЩt mind so much. Please donтАЩt mind so much.тАЭ The words came tumbling out now. тАЬItтАЩll be all right. I know itтАЩll be all right. IтАЩm not going to get killed. I couldnтАЩt now that you love meтБатАФnow that weтАЩre so happy. Some fellows feel their numberтАЩs up when they go outтБатАФbut I donтАЩt. IтАЩve a kind of certainty that IтАЩm going to come through. I want you to feel that too.тАЭ + 

She stood there frozen. This was what war was really. It took the heart out of your body, the blood out of your veins. She clung to him with a sob. He held her to him. + 

тАЬItтАЩs all right, Nell. We knew it was coming soon. And IтАЩm really frightfully keen to goтБатАФat least I would be if it wasnтАЩt for leaving you. You wouldnтАЩt like me to have spent the whole war guarding a bridge in England, would you? And there will be the leaves to look forward toтБатАФweтАЩll have the most frightfully jolly leaves. There will be lots of money, and weтАЩll simply blow it. Oh! Nell darling, I just know that nothing can happen to me now that you care for me.тАЭ + 

She agreed with him. + 

тАЬIt canтАЩtтБатАФit canтАЩt. God couldnтАЩt be so cruel.тАЭ + 

But the thought came to her that God was letting a lot of cruel things happen. + 

She said valiantly, forcing back her tears: тАЬItтАЩll be all right, darling. I know it too.тАЭ + 

тАЬAnd evenтБатАФeven if it isnтАЩt, you must rememberтБатАФhow perfect this has been.тБатАКтБатАж Darling, you have been happy, havenтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

She lifted her lips to his. They clung together, dumb, agonizing, the shadow of their first parting hanging over them. + 

How long they stood there they hardly knew. + 

III + 

When they went back to the antimacassars they talked cheerfully of ordinary things. Vernon only touched once on the future. + 

тАЬNell, when IтАЩm gone, will you go to your mother, or what?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo. IтАЩd rather stay down here. There are lots of things to do in WiltsburyтБатАФhospital, canteen.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, but I donтАЩt want you to do anything. I think youтАЩd be better distracted in London. There will still be theatres and things like that.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, Vernon, I must do somethingтБатАФwork, I mean.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, if you want to work, you can knit me socks. I hate all this nursing business. I suppose itтАЩs necessary but I donтАЩt like it. You wouldnтАЩt care to go to Birmingham?тАЭ + 

Nell said very decidedly that she would not like to go to Birmingham. + 

The actual parting when it came was less strenuous. Vernon kissed her almost offhandedly. + 

тАЬWell, so long. Cheer up. EverythingтАЩs going to be all right. IтАЩll write as much as I can, though I expect weтАЩre not allowed to say much thatтАЩs interesting. Take care of yourself, Nell darling.тАЭ + 

One almost involuntary tightening of his arms round her, and then he almost pushed her from him. + 

He was gone. + 

She thought, тАЬI shall never sleep tonightтБатАКтБатАж neverтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

But she did. A deep heavy sleep. She went down into it as into an abyss. A haunted sleepтБатАФfull of terror and apprehension that gradually faded into the unconsciousness of exhaustion. + 

She woke with a keen sword of pain piercing her heart. + 

She thought, тАЬVernonтАЩs gone to the war. I must get something to do.тАЭ + 

II + 

I + 

Nell went to see Mrs.┬аCurtis, the Red Cross Commandant. Mrs.┬аCurtis was benign and affable. She was enjoying her importance and was convinced that she was a born organizer. Actually, she was a very bad one. But everyone said she had a wonderful manner. She condescended graciously to Nell. + 

тАЬLet me see, Mrs.тБатАФah! Deyre. YouтАЩve got your V.A.D. and nursing certificates?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes.тАЭ + 

тАЬBut you donтАЩt belong to any of the local detachments?тАЭ + 

NellтАЩs exact standing was discussed at some length. + 

тАЬWell, we must see what we can do for you,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аCurtis. тАЬThe hospital is fully staffed at present, but of course they are always falling out. Two days after the first convoy came in, we had seventeen resignations. All women of a certain age. They didnтАЩt like the way the Sisters spoke to them. I myself think the Sisters were perhaps a little unnecessarily brutal, but of course thereтАЩs a great deal of jealousy of the Red Cross. And these were all well-to-do women who didnтАЩt like being тАШspoken to.тАЩ You are not sensitive in that way, Mrs.┬аDeyre?тАЭ + 

Nell said that she didnтАЩt mind anything. + 

тАЬThat is the spirit,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аCurtis approvingly. тАЬI myself,тАЭ she continued, тАЬconsider it in the light of good discipline. And where should we all be without discipline?тАЭ + 

It shot through NellтАЩs mind that Mrs.┬аCurtis had not had to endure any discipline, which robbed her pronouncement of some of its impressiveness. But she continued to stand there looking attentive and impressed. + 

тАЬI have a list of girls on the reserve,тАЭ continued Mrs.┬аCurtis. тАЬI will add your name. Two days a week you will attend at the Out Patient Ward at the Town Hospital, and thereby gain a little experience. They are short-handed there and are willing to accept our help. Then you and MissтБатАФтАЭ she consulted a listтБатАФтАЬI think Miss CardnerтБатАФyes, Miss CardnerтБатАФwill go with the district nurse on her rounds on Tuesdays and Fridays. YouтАЩve got your uniform, of course? Then that is all right.тАЭ + 

Mary Cardner was a pleasant plump girl whose father was a retired butcher. She was very friendly to Nell, explained that the days were Wednesday and Saturday and not Tuesday and Friday, тАЬbut old Curtis always gets something wrong,тАЭ that the district nurse was a dear and never jumped on you, and that Sister Margaret at the hospital was a holy terror. + 

On the following Wednesday Nell did her first round with the district nurse, a little bustling woman very much overworked. At the end of the day she patted Nell kindly on the shoulder. + 

тАЬIтАЩm glad to see you have a head on your shoulders, my dear. Really some of the girls who come seem to me half-wittedтБатАФthey do indeed. And such fine ladies, you wouldnтАЩt believeтБатАФNot by birthтБатАФI donтАЩt mean that. But half-educated girls who think nursing is all smoothing a pillow and feeding the patient with grapes. YouтАЩll know your way about in no time.тАЭ + 

Heartened by this, Nell presented herself at the Out Patient Department at the given time without too much trepidation. She was received by a tall gaunt Sister with a malevolent eye. + 

тАЬAnother raw beginner,тАЭ she grumbled. тАЬMrs.┬аCurtis sent you, I suppose? IтАЩm sick of that woman. Takes me more time and trouble teaching silly girls who think they know everything than it would to do everything myself.тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm sorry,тАЭ said Nell meekly. + 

тАЬGet a couple of certificates, attend a dozen lectures and think you know everything,тАЭ said Sister Margaret bitterly. тАЬHere they come. DonтАЩt get in my way more than you can help.тАЭ + 

A typical batch of patients were assembled: a young boy with legs riddled with ulcers, a child with scalded legs from an overturned kettle, a girl with a needle in her finger, various sufferers with тАЬbad ears,тАЭ тАЬbad legs,тАЭ тАЬbad arms.тАЭ + 

Sister Margaret said sharply to Nell: тАЬKnow how to syringe an ear? I thought not. Watch me.тАЭ + 

Nell watched. + 

тАЬYou can do it next time,тАЭ said Sister Margaret. тАЬGet the bandage off that boyтАЩs finger, and let him soak it in hot boracic water till IтАЩm ready for him.тАЭ + 

Nell felt nervous and clumsy. Sister Margaret was paralysing her. Almost immediately, it seemed, Sister was by her side. + 

тАЬWe havenтАЩt got all day here to do things in,тАЭ she remarked. тАЬHere, leave it to me. You seem to be all thumbs. Soak the bandages off that kidтАЩs legs. Tepid water.тАЭ + 

Nell got a basin of tepid water and knelt down before the child, a mere mite of three. She was badly burnt, and the bandages had stuck to the tiny legs. Nell sponged and soaked very gently, but the baby screamed. It was a loud long-drawn yell of terror and agony, and it defeated Nell utterly. + 

She felt suddenly sick and faint. She couldnтАЩt do this workтБатАФshe simply couldnтАЩt do it. She drew back, and as she did so she glanced up to find Sister Margaret watching her, a gleam of malicious pleasure showing in her eye. + 

тАЬI thought you couldnтАЩt stick it,тАЭ that eye said. + 

It rallied Nell as nothing else would have done. She bent her head, and setting her teeth, went on with her job, trying to avert her mind from the childтАЩs shrieks. It was done at last, and Nell stood up, white and trembling and feeling deathly sick. + 

Sister Margaret came along. She seemed disappointed. + 

тАЬOh, youтАЩve done it,тАЭ she said. She spoke to the childтАЩs mother. тАЬIтАЩd be a bit more careful how you let the child get at the kettle in future, Mrs.┬аSomers,тАЭ she said. + 

Mrs.┬аSomers complained that you couldnтАЩt be everywhere at once. + 

Nell was ordered off to foment a poisoned finger. Next, she assisted Sister to syringe the ulcerated leg, and after that stood by while a young doctor extracted the needle from the girlтАЩs finger. As he probed and cut, the girl winced and shrank and he spoke to her sharply. + 

тАЬKeep quiet, canтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

Nell thought: тАЬOne never sees this side of things. One is only used to a doctor with a bedside manner. IтАЩm afraid this will hurt a little. Be as still as you can.тАЭ + 

The young doctor proceeded to extract a couple of teeth, flinging them carelessly on the floor, then he treated a smashed hand that had just come in from an accident. + 

It was not, Nell reflected, that he was unskillful. It was the absence of manner that was so disturbing to oneтАЩs preconceived ideas. Whatever he did, Sister Margaret accompanied him, tittering in a sycophantic manner at any joke he was pleased to make. Of Nell he took no notice. + 

At last the hour was over. Nell was thankful. She said goodbye timidly to Sister Margaret. + 

тАЬLike it?тАЭ asked Sister with a demoniac grin. + 

тАЬIтАЩm afraid IтАЩm very stupid,тАЭ said Nell. + 

тАЬHow can you be anything else?тАЭ said Sister Margaret. тАЬA lot of amateurs like you Red Cross people. And thinking you know everything on earth. Well, perhaps, youтАЩll be a little less clumsy next time!тАЭ + 

Such was NellтАЩs encouraging d├йbut at the hospital. + 

It grew less terrible as time went on, however. Sister Margaret softened, and relaxed her attitude of fierce defensiveness. She even permitted herself to answer questions. + 

тАЬYouтАЩre not so stuck up as most,тАЭ she allowed graciously. + 

Nell, in her turn, was impressed by the enormous amount of competent work Sister Margaret managed to put in in a very short time. And she understood a little her soreness on the subject of amateurs. + 

What struck Nell most was the enormous number of тАЬbad legsтАЭ and their prototypes, most of them evidently old friends. She asked Sister Margaret timidly about them. + 

тАЬNothing much to be done about it,тАЭ Sister Margaret replied. тАЬHereditary, most of them. Bad blood. You canтАЩt cure it.тАЭ + 

Another thing that impressed Nell was the uncomplaining heroism of the poor. They came and were treated, suffered great pain, and went off to walk several miles home without a thought. + 

She saw it too in their homes. She and Mary Cardner had taken over a certain amount of the district nurseтАЩs round. They washed bedridden old women, tended тАЬbad legs,тАЭ occasionally washed and tended babies whose mothers were too ill to do anything. The cottages were small, the windows usually hermetically sealed, and the place littered with treasures dear to the hearts of the owners. The stuffiness was often unbearable. + 

The worst shock was about two weeks after beginning work, when they found a bedridden old man dead in his bed and had to lay him out. But for Mary CardnerтАЩs matter-of-fact cheerfulness, Nell felt she could not have done it. + 

The district nurse praised them. + 

тАЬYouтАЩre good girls. And youтАЩre being a real help.тАЭ + 

They went home glowing with satisfaction. Never in her life had Nell so appreciated a hot bath and a lavish allowance of bath salts. + 

She had had two postcards from Vernon. Mere scrawls saying he was all right and everything was splendid. She wrote to him every day describing her adventures, trying to make them sound as amusing as possible. He wrote back: + 

IтАЩm all right. Feeling splendidly fit. ItтАЩs all a great adventure, but I do long to see you. I do wish you wouldnтАЩt go into these beastly cottages and places and mess about with diseased people. IтАЩm sure youтАЩll catch something. Why you want to, I canтАЩt think. IтАЩm sure it isnтАЩt necessary. Do give it up. + 

We think mostly about our food out here, and the Tommies think of nothing but their tea. TheyтАЩll risk being blown to bits any time for a cup of hot tea. I have to censor their letters. One man always ends тАЬYours till hell freezes,тАЭ so IтАЩll say the same. + 

One morning Nell received a telephone call from Mrs.┬аCurtis. + 

тАЬThere is a vacancy for a ward maid, Mrs.┬аDeyre. Afternoon duty. Be at the hospital at two-thirty.тАЭ + 

The Town Hall of Wiltsbury had been turned into a hospital. It was a big new building standing in the cathedral square and overshadowed by the tall spire of the cathedral. A handsome being in uniform with a game leg and medals received her kindly at the front entrance. + 

тАЬYouтАЩve come to the wrong door, Missie. Staff through the quartermasterтАЩs stores. Here, the scout will show you the way.тАЭ + 

A diminutive scout conducted her down steps, through a kind of gloomy crypt where an elderly lady in Red Cross uniform sat surrounded with bales of hospital shirtsтБатАФwearing several shawls and shivering a good dealтБатАФthen along stoneflagged passages, and finally into a gloomy underground chamber where she was received by Miss Curtain, the chief of the ward maids, a tall thin lady with a face like a dreaming duchess and charming gentle manners. + 

Nell was instructed in her duties, which were simple enough to understand. They entailed hard work, but no difficulty. A certain area of stone passages and steps to scrub. Then the nursesтАЩ tea to lay, wait on, and finally clear away. Then the ward maids had their own tea. Then the same routine for supper. + 

Nell soon got the hang of things. The salient points of the new life were: one, war with the kitchen; two, the difficulty of providing the Sisters with the right kind of tea. + 

There was a long table where the V.A.D. nurses sat, pouring down in a stream, frantically hungry, and always the food seemed to fail before the last three were seated. You then applied to the kitchen through a tube and got a biting rejoinder. The right amount of bread and butter had been sent up, three pieces for each. Somebody must have eaten more than their share. Loud disclaimers from the V.A.D.тАЩs. They chatted to each other amiably and freely, addressing each other by their surnames. + 

тАЬI didnтАЩt eat your slice of bread, Jones. I wouldnтАЩt do such a mean thing!тАЭ тАЬThey always send it up wrong.тАЭ тАЬLook here, CatfordтАЩs got to have something to eat. SheтАЩs got an op in half an hour.тАЭ тАЬHurry up, Bulgy [an affectionate nickname, this]. WeтАЩve got all those mackintoshes to scrub.тАЭ + 

Very different the behaviour at the SistersтАЩ table at the other side of the room. Conversation there went on genteelly in frosty whispers. Before each Sister was a small brown pot of tea. It was NellтАЩs business to know exactly how strong each Sister liked it. It was never a question of how weak! To bring тАЬwashyтАЭ tea to a Sister was to fall from grace forever. + 

The whispers went on incessantly. + 

тАЬI said to her: тАШNaturally the surgical cases receive the first attention.тАЩтАКтАЭ тАЬI only passed the remark, so to speak.тАЭ тАЬPushing herself forward. Always the same thing.тАЭ тАЬWould you believe it, she forgot to hold the towel for the doctorтАЩs hands.тАЭ тАЬI said to Doctor this morningтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ тАЬI passed the remark to NurseтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

Again and again that one phrase recurred. тАЬI passed the remark.тАЭ Nell grew to listen for it. When she approached the table, the whispers became lower and the Sisters looked at her suspiciously. Their conversation was secretive and shrouded in dignity. With enormous formality, they offered each other tea. + 

тАЬSome of mine, Sister Westhaven? ThereтАЩs plenty in the pot.тАЭ тАЬWould you oblige me with the sugar, Sister Carr?тАЭ тАЬPardon me.тАЭ + 

Nell had just begun to realize the hospital atmosphere, the feuds, the jealousies, the cabals, and the hundred and one undercurrents, when she was promoted to the ward, one of the nurses having gone sick. + 

She had a row of twelve beds to attend to, mostly surgical cases. Her companion was Gladys Potts, a small giggling creature, intelligent but lazy. The ward was under the charge of Sister Westhaven, a tall thin acid woman with a look of permanent disapproval. NellтАЩs heart sank when she saw her, but later she congratulated herself. Sister Westhaven was far the pleasantest nurse in the hospital to work under. + 

There were five Sisters in all. Sister Carr, round and good-tempered looking. The men liked her and she giggled and joked with them a good deal, and was then late over her dressings and hurried over them. She called the V.A.D.тАЩs тАЬdear,тАЭ and patted them affectionately but her temper was uncertain. She herself was so unpunctual that everything went wrong and the тАЬdearтАЭ was blamed for it. She was maddening to work under. + 

Sister Barnes was impossible. Everyone said so. She ranted and scolded from morning to night. She hated V.A.D.тАЩs and let them know it. тАЬIтАЩll teach them to come here thinking they know everything,тАЭ was her constant declaration. Apart from her biting sarcasm, she was a good nurse, and some of the girls liked working under her in spite of her lashing tongue. + 

Sister Dunlop was a dugout. She was kindly and placid, but thoroughly lazy. She drank a great deal of tea and did as little work as possible. + 

Sister Norris was Theatre Sister. She was competent at her job, rouged her lips and was cattish to her underlings. + 

Sister Westhaven was by far the best nurse in the hospital. She was enthusiastic over work and was a good judge of those under her. If they showed promise she was reasonably amiable to them. If she judged them fools they led a miserable life. + 

On the fourth day, she said to Nell: тАЬI thought you werenтАЩt worth much at first, Nurse. But youтАЩve got a good lot of work in you.тАЭ + 

So much imbued by now was Nell by the hospital spirit that she went home in the seventh heaven. + 

Little by little she sank into the hospital rut. At first she had suffered a heartrending pang at the sight of the wounded. The first dressing of wounds at which she assisted was almost more than she could bear. Those who тАЬlonged to nurseтАЭ usually brought a certain amount of emotionalism to the task. But they were soon purged of it. Blood, wounds, suffering were everyday matters. + 

Nell was popular with the men. In the slack hour after tea she wrote letters for them, fetched books she thought they would like from the shelves at the end of the ward, heard stories of their families and sweethearts. She became, in common with the other nurses, zealous to defend them from the cruelties and stupidities of the would-be kind. + 

On visitorsтАЩ days streams of elderly ladies arrived. They sat down by beds and did their best to тАЬcheer our brave soldier.тАЭ Certain things were conventions. тАЬYouтАЩre longing to get back, I suppose?тАЭ And тАЬYes, maтАЩam,тАЭ was always the answer given. Descriptions were sought of the Angels at Mons. + 

There were also concerts. Some were well organized and were thoroughly enjoyed. OthersтБатАФ! They were summed up by the nurse on the next row to Nell, Phillis Deacon: + 

тАЬAnybody who thinks they can sing, but has never been allowed to by their families, has got their chance now!тАЭ + 

There were also clergymen. Never, Nell thought, had she seen so many clergymen. One or two were appreciated. They were fine men, with sympathy and understanding, and they knew the right things to say and did not stress the religious side of their duties unduly. But there were many others. + 

тАЬNurse.тАЭ + 

Nell paused in a hurried progress along the ward, having just been told sharply by Sister: тАЬNurse, your beds are crooked. No.┬а7тАЩs sticking out.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes.тАЭ + 

тАЬCouldnтАЩt you wash me now, Nurse?тАЭ + 

Nell stared at the unusual request. + 

тАЬItтАЩs not nearly half-past seven.тАЭ + 

тАЬItтАЩs the parson. HeтАЩs at me to be confirmed. HeтАЩs coming in now.тАЭ + 

Nell took pity on him. The Reverend Canon Edgerton found his prospective convert barred from him by screens and basins of water. + 

тАЬThank yer, Nurse,тАЭ said the patient hoarsely. тАЬIt seems a bit hard to go on nagging at a feller when he canтАЩt get away from yer, doesnтАЩt it?тАЭ + 

WashingтБатАФinterminable washing. The patients were washed, the ward was washed, and at every hour of the day there were mackintoshes to scrub. + 

And eternal tidiness. + 

тАЬNurseтБатАФyour beds. The bedclothes are hanging down on No.┬а9. No.┬а2 has pushed his bed sideways. What will Doctor think?тАЭ + 

DoctorтБатАФDoctorтБатАФDoctor. Morning, noon, and night, Doctor! Doctor was a god. For a mere V.A.D. to speak to Doctor was l├иse-majest├й and brought down the vials of wrath on your head from Sister. Some of the V.A.D.тАЩs offended innocently. They were Wiltsbury girls and they knew the doctorsтБатАФknew them as ordinary human beings. They said good morning blithely. Soon they knew betterтБатАФknew they had been guilty of that awful sin, тАЬpushing yourself forward.тАЭ Mary Cardner тАЬpushed herself forward.тАЭ Doctor asked for some scissors and unthinkingly, she handed him the pair she wore. Sister explained her crime to her at length. She ended thus: + 

тАЬI donтАЩt say you mightnтАЩt have done this. Seeing you had the exact thing that was wanted, you might have said to meтБатАФin a whisper, that isтБатАФтАШIs this what is needed, Sister?тАЩ And I would have taken them from you and handed them to Doctor. No one could have objected to that.тАЭ + 

You got tired of the word тАЬDoctor.тАЭ Every remark Sister made was punctuated with it, even when speaking to him. + 

тАЬYes, DoctorтБатАКтБатАж 102 this morning, Doctor.тБатАКтБатАж I donтАЩt think so, Doctor.тБатАКтБатАж Pardon, Doctor? I didnтАЩt quite catch.тБатАКтБатАж Nurse, hold the towel for DoctorтАЩs hands.тАЭ + 

And you held the towel meekly, standing like a glorified towel horse. And Doctor, having wiped his sacred hands, flung the towel on the floor where you meekly picked it up. You poured water for Doctor, you handed soap to Doctor, and finally you received the command: + 

тАЬNurse, open the door for Doctor.тАЭ + 

тАЬAnd what IтАЩm afraid is, we shanтАЩt be able to grow out of it afterwards,тАЭ said Phillis Deacon wrathfully. тАЬI shall never feel the same about doctors again. Even the scrubbiest little doctors I shall be subservient to, and when they come to dine I shall find myself rushing to open the door for them. I know I shall.тАЭ + 

There was a great freemasonry in the hospital. Class distinctions were a thing of the past. The deanтАЩs daughter, the butcherтАЩs daughter, Mrs.┬аManfred who was the wife of a draperтАЩs assistant, Phillis Deacon who was the daughter of a baronetтБатАФthey all called each other by their surnames and shared the common interest of тАЬWhat would there be for supper, and would it go round?тАЭ Undoubtedly there was cheating. Gladys Potts, the giggler, was discovered to go down early and surreptitiously to filch an extra piece of bread and butter or an unfair helping of rice. + 

тАЬYou know,тАЭ said Phillis Deacon, тАЬI do sympathize with servants now. One always thinks they mind so much about their foodтБатАФand here are we getting just the same. ItтАЩs having nothing else to look forward to. I could have cried when the scrambled eggs didnтАЩt go round last night.тАЭ + 

тАЬThey oughtnтАЩt to have scrambled eggs,тАЭ said Mary Cardner angrily. тАЬThe eggs ought to be separate, poached or boiled. Scrambled gives too much opportunity to unscrupulous people.тАЭ + 

And she looked with significance at Gladys Potts, who giggled nervously and moved away. + 

тАЬThat girlтАЩs a slacker,тАЭ said Phillis Deacon. тАЬSheтАЩs always got something else to do when itтАЩs screens. And she sucks up to Sister. It doesnтАЩt matter with Westhaven. WesthavenтАЩs fair. But she flattered little Carr till she got all the soft jobs.тАЭ + 

Little Potts was unpopular. Strenuous efforts were made to force her to do the more disagreeable work sometimes, but Potts was wily. Only the resourceful Deacon was a match for her. + 

There were also the jealousies amongst the doctors themselves. Naturally they all wanted the more interesting surgical cases. The allotting of cases to different wards gave rise to feeling. + 

Nell soon knew all the doctors and their various attributes. There was Dr.┬аLang, tall, untidy, slouching, with long nervous fingers. He was the cleverest surgeon of the lot. He had a sarcastic tongue, and was ruthless in his treatments but he was clever. All the Sisters adored him. + 

Then there was Dr.┬аWilbraham who had the fashionable practice of Wiltsbury. A big florid man, genial in temper when things went well, and the manners of a spoilt child when he was put out. If he was tired and cross he was unnecessarily rough and Nell hated him. + 

There was Dr.┬аMeadows, a quiet efficient G.P. He was content not to do operations and he gave every case unfailing attention. He always spoke politely to the V.A.D.тАЩs and omitted to throw towels on the floor. + 

Then there was Dr.┬аBury who was not supposed to be much good and who was himself convinced that he knew everything. He was always wishing to try extraordinary new methods and he never continued one treatment for more than a couple of days. If one of his patients died, it was the fashion to say: тАЬDo you wonder, with Dr.┬аBury?тАЭ + 

Then there was young Dr.┬аKeen, who had been invalided home from the front. He was little more than a medical student, but he was full of importance. He even demeaned himself to chat with the V.A.D.тАЩs, explaining the importance of an operation that had just taken place. Nell said to Sister Westhaven: тАЬI didnтАЩt know Dr.┬аKeen was operating. I thought it was Dr.┬аLang.тАЭ Sister replied grimly: тАЬDr.┬аKeen held the leg. ThatтАЩs all.тАЭ + 

Operations had been a nightmare to Nell at first. At the first one she attended, the floor rose at her, and a nurse led her out. She hardly dared to face Sister, but Sister was unexpectedly kind. + 

тАЬItтАЩs partly the lack of air and the smell of the ether, Nurse,тАЭ she said kindly. тАЬGo into a short one next. YouтАЩll get used to it.тАЭ + 

Next time Nell felt faint, but did not have to go out, the time after she felt sick only, and the time after that she didnтАЩt feel sick at all. + 

Once or twice she was lent to help the theatre nurse clear up the operating theatre after an unusually big op. The place was like a shambles, blood everywhere. The theatre nurse was only eighteen, a determined slip of a thing. She owned to Nell that she had hated it at first. + 

тАЬThe very first op was a leg,тАЭ she said. тАЬAmputation. And Sister went off afterwards and left me to clear up, and I had to take the leg down to the furnace myself. It was awful.тАЭ + 

On her days out Nell went to tea with friends. Some of them were kindly old ladies and sentimentalized over her and told her she was splendid. + 

тАЬYou donтАЩt work on Sundays, do you, dear? Really? Oh! but that isnтАЩt right. Sunday should be a day of rest.тАЭ + 

Nell pointed out gently that the soldiers had to be washed and fed on Sundays just as much as any other day, and the old ladies admitted this but seemed to think that the matter should have been better organized. They were also very distressed at NellтАЩs having to walk home alone at midnight. + 

Others were even more difficult. + 

тАЬI hear these hospital nurses give themselves great airs, ordering everyone about. I shouldnтАЩt stand that kind of thing myself. I am willing to do anything I can to help in this dreadful war, but impertinence I will not stand. I told Mrs.┬аCurtis so, and she agreed it would be better for me not to do hospital work.тАЭ + 

To these ladies Nell made no reply at all. + 

The rumour of тАЬthe RussiansтАЭ was sweeping through England at this time. Everyone had seen themтБатАФor if not actually seen them, their cookтАЩs second cousin had, which was practically the same thing. The rumour died hardтБатАФit was so pleasing and so exciting. + 

A very old lady who came to the hospital took Nell aside. + 

тАЬMy dear,тАЭ she said, тАЬdonтАЩt believe that story. ItтАЩs true, but not in the way we think.тАЭ + 

Nell looked inquiringly at her. + 

тАЬEggs!тАЭ said the old lady in a poignant whisper. тАЬRussian eggs! Several millions of themтБатАФto keep us from starving.тАЭ + 

Nell wrote all these things to Vernon. She felt terribly cut off from him. His letters were naturally terse and constrained and he seemed to dislike the idea of her working in hospital. He urged her again and again to go to LondonтБатАФenjoy herselfтБатАКтБатАж + 

How queer men were, Nell thought. They didnтАЩt seem to understand. She would hate to be one of the тАЬkeeping themselves bright for the boysтАЭ brigade. How soon you drifted apart when you were doing different things! She couldnтАЩt share VernonтАЩs life and he couldnтАЩt share hers. + 

The first agony of parting, when she had felt sure he would be killed, was over. She had fallen into the routine of wives. Four months had passed and he hadnтАЩt been even wounded. He wouldnтАЩt be. Everything was all right. + 

Five months after he had gone out he wired that he had got leave. NellтАЩs heart almost stopped beating. She was so excited! She went off to Matron and was granted leave of absence. + 

She travelled to London feeling strange and unusual in ordinary clothes. Their first leave! + 

II + 

It was trueтБатАФreally true! The leave train came in and disgorged its multitudes. She saw him. He was actually there. They met. Neither could speak. He squeezed her hand frantically. She knew then how afraid she had been.тБатАКтБатАж + 

That five days went by in a flash. It was like some queer delirious dream. She adored Vernon and he adored her, but they were in some ways like strangers to each other. He was offhand when she spoke about France. It was all rightтБатАФeverything was all right. One made jokes about it and refused to treat it seriously. тАЬFor goodnessтАЩ sake, Nell, donтАЩt sentimentalize. ItтАЩs awful to come home and find everyone with long faces. And donтАЩt talk slush about our brave soldiers laying down their lives, etc. That sort of stuff makes me sick. LetтАЩs get tickets for another show.тАЭ + 

Something in his absolute callousness perturbed herтБатАФit seemed somehow rather dreadful to treat everything so lightly. When he asked her what she had been doing, she could only give him hospital news, and that he didnтАЩt like. He begged her again to give it up. + 

тАЬItтАЩs a filthy job, nursing. I hate to think of your doing it.тАЭ + 

She felt chilled, rebuffed, then rebuked herself. They were together again. What did anything else matter? + 

They had a wild delightful time. They went to a show and danced every night. In the daytime they went shopping. Vernon bought her everything that took his fancy. They went to a Paris firm of dressmakers and sat there whilst airy young duchesses floated past in wisps of chiffon and Vernon chose the most expensive model. They felt horribly wicked but dreadfully happy when Nell wore it that night. + 

Then Nell told him he ought to go and see his mother. Vernon rebelled. + 

тАЬOh! darling, I donтАЩt want to! Our little short precious time. I canтАЩt miss a minute of it.тАЭ + 

Nell pleaded. Myra would be terribly hurt and disappointed. + 

тАЬWell, then, youтАЩve got to come with me.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, that wouldnтАЩt do at all.тАЭ + 

In the end, he went down to Birmingham for a flying visit. His mother made a tremendous fuss over himтБатАФgreeted him with floods of what she called тАЬglad proud tears,тАЭ and trotted him round to see the Bents. Vernon came back seething with conscious virtue. + 

тАЬYou are a hard-hearted devil, Nell. WeтАЩve missed a whole day! God, how IтАЩve been slobbered over.тАЭ + 

He felt ashamed as soon as he had said it. Why couldnтАЩt he love his mother better? Why did she always manage to rub him up the wrong way, no matter how good his resolutions were? He gave Nell a hug. + 

тАЬI didnтАЩt mean it. IтАЩm glad you made me go. YouтАЩre so sweet, Nell. You never think of yourself. ItтАЩs so wonderful being with you again. You donтАЩt knowтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

And she put on the French model gown and they went out to dine with a ridiculous feeling of having been model children and deserving a reward. + 

They had nearly finished dinner when Nell saw VernonтАЩs face change. It stiffened and grew anxious. + 

тАЬWhat is it?тАЭ + 

тАЬNothing,тАЭ he said hastily. + 

But she turned and looked behind her. At a small table against the wall was Jane. + 

Something cold seemed for a moment to rest on NellтАЩs heart. Then she said easily: + 

тАЬWhy, itтАЩs Jane. LetтАЩs go and speak to her.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, IтАЩd rather not.тАЭ She was a little surprised by the vehemence of his tone. He saw that and went on: тАЬIтАЩm stupid, darling. I want to have you and nothing but youтБатАФnot other people butting in. Have you finished? LetтАЩs go. I donтАЩt want to miss the beginning of the play.тАЭ + 

They paid the bill and went. Jane nodded to them carelessly and Nell waved her hand to her. They arrived at the theatre ten minutes early. + 

Later, as Nell was slipping the gown from her white shoulders, Vernon said suddenly: + 

тАЬNell, do you think I shall ever write music again?тАЭ + 

тАЬOf course. Why not?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! I donтАЩt know. I donтАЩt think I want to.тАЭ + 

She looked at him in surprise. He was sitting on a chair, frowning into space. + 

тАЬI thought it was the only thing you cared about.тАЭ + 

тАЬCared aboutтБатАФcared aboutтБатАФthat doesnтАЩt express it in the least. It isnтАЩt the things you care about that matter. ItтАЩs the things you canтАЩt get rid ofтБатАФthe things that wonтАЩt let you goтБатАФthat haunt youтБатАФlike a face that you canтАЩt help seeing even when you donтАЩt want to.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬDarling VernonтБатАФdonтАЩt.тАЭ + 

She came and knelt down beside him. He clutched her to him convulsively. + 

тАЬNellтБатАФdarling NellтБатАФnothing matters but you. Kiss me.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

But he reverted presently to the topic. He said irrelevantly: тАЬGuns make a pattern, you know. A musical pattern, I mean. Not the sound one hears. I mean the pattern the sound makes in space. I suppose thatтАЩs nonsenseтБатАФbut I know what I mean.тАЭ + 

And again a minute or two later: тАЬIf one could only get hold of it properly.тАЭ + 

Ever so slightly, she moved her body away from him. It was as though she challenged her rival. She never admitted it openly, but secretly she feared VernonтАЩs music. If only he didnтАЩt care so much. + 

And tonight, at any rate, she was triumphant. He drew her back holding her close, showering kisses on her. + 

But long after Nell was asleep Vernon lay staring into the darkness, seeing against his will JaneтАЩs face and the outline of her body in its dull green satin sheath as he had seen it against the crimson curtain at the restaurant. + 

He said to himself very softly under his breath: + 

тАЬDamn Jane.тАЭ + 

But he knew that you couldnтАЩt get rid of Jane as easily as that. + 

He wished he hadnтАЩt seen her. + 

There was something so damnably disturbing about Jane. + 

He forgot her the next day. It was their last, and it went terribly quickly. + 

All too soon, it was over. + 

III + 

It had been like a dream. Now the dream was over. Nell was back at the hospital. It seemed to her she had never been away. She waited desperately for the postтБатАФfor VernonтАЩs first letter. It cameтБатАФmore ardent and unrestrained than usual, as though even censorship had been forgotten. Nell wore it against her heart and the indelible pencil came off on her skin. She wrote and told him so. + 

Life went on as usual. Dr.┬аLang went out to the front and was replaced by an elderly doctor with a beard who said, тАЬThank ye, thank ye, Sister,тАЭ every time he was offered a towel or was helped on with his white linen coat. They had a slack time with most of the beds empty and Nell found the enforced idleness trying. + 

One day, to her surprise and delight, Sebastian walked in. He was home on leave and had come down to look her up. Vernon had asked him to. + 

тАЬYouтАЩve seen him then?тАЭ + 

Sebastian said yes, his lot had taken over from Vernon. + 

тАЬAnd heтАЩs all right?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! yes, heтАЩs all right!тАЭ + 

Something in the way he said it caused her alarm. She pressed him. Sebastian frowned in perplexity. + 

тАЬItтАЩs difficult to explain, Nell. You see, VernonтАЩs an odd beggarтБатАФalways has been. He doesnтАЩt like looking things in the face.тАЭ + 

He quelled the fierce retort that he saw rising to her lips. + 

тАЬI donтАЩt mean in the least what you think I mean. He isnтАЩt afraid. Lucky devil, I donтАЩt think he knows what fear is. I wish I didnтАЩt. No, itтАЩs different from that. ItтАЩs the whole lifeтБатАФitтАЩs pretty ghastly, you know. Dirt and blood and filth, and noiseтБатАФabove all, noise! Recurrent noise at fixed times. It gets on my nerves, so what must it do to VernonтАЩs?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, but what did you mean by not facing things?тАЭ + 

тАЬSimply that he wonтАЩt admit that thereтАЩs anything to face. HeтАЩs afraid of minding, so he says thereтАЩs nothing to mind. If heтАЩd only admit that itтАЩs a bloody filthy business like I do heтАЩd be all right. But itтАЩs like that old piano businessтБатАФhe wonтАЩt look at the thing fair and square. And itтАЩs no good saying тАШthere ainтАЩt no such thingтАЩ when there is. But thatтАЩs always been VernonтАЩs way. HeтАЩs in good spiritsтБатАФenjoying everythingтБатАФand it isnтАЩt natural. IтАЩm afraid of hisтБатАФOh! I donтАЩt know what IтАЩm afraid of. But I know that telling yourself fairy stories is about the worst thing you can do. VernonтАЩs a musician, and heтАЩs got the nerves of a musician. The worst of him is that he doesnтАЩt know anything about himself. He never has.тАЭ + 

Nell looked troubled. + 

тАЬSebastian, what do you think will happen?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, nothing, probably. What I should like to happen would be for Vernon to stop one, in as conveniently painless a place as possible, and come back to be nursed for a bit.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow I wish that would happen!тАЭ + 

тАЬPoor old Nell! ItтАЩs rotten for all you people. IтАЩm glad I havenтАЩt got a wife.тАЭ + 

тАЬIf you hadтБатАФтАЭ Nell paused, then went on. тАЬWould you want her to work in a hospital or would you rather she did nothing?тАЭ + 

тАЬEverybody will be working sooner or later. ItтАЩs as well to get down to it as soon as possible, I should say.тАЭ + 

тАЬVernon doesnтАЩt like my doing this.тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs his ostrich act again, plus the reactionary spirit that heтАЩs inherited and will never quite outgrow. Sooner or later heтАЩll face the fact that women are workingтБатАФbut he wonтАЩt admit it till the last minute.тАЭ + 

Nell sighed. + 

тАЬHow worrying everything is.тАЭ + 

тАЬI know. And IтАЩve made things worse for you. But IтАЩm awfully fond of Vernon. HeтАЩs the one friend I care about. And I hoped if I told you what I thought youтАЩd encourage him toтБатАФwell, give way a littleтБатАФat any rate to you. But perhaps to you he does let himself go?тАЭ + 

Nell shook her head. + 

тАЬHe wonтАЩt do anything but joke about the war.тАЭ + 

Sebastian whistled. + 

тАЬWell, next timeтБатАФget it out of him. Stick to it.тАЭ + 

Nell said suddenly and sharply: тАЬDo you think heтАЩd talk betterтБатАФto Jane?тАЭ + 

тАЬTo Jane?тАЭ Sebastian looked rather embarrassed. тАЬI donтАЩt know. Perhaps. It all depends.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou do think so! Why? Tell me why? Is she more sympathetic, or what?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! Lord, no. JaneтАЩs not exactly sympathetic. Provocative is more the word. You get annoyed with herтБатАФand out pops the truth. She makes you aware of yourself in ways you donтАЩt want to be. ThereтАЩs nobody like Jane for pulling you off your high horse.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou think sheтАЩs a lot of influence over Vernon?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! I wouldnтАЩt say that. And anyhow, it wouldnтАЩt matter if she had. SheтАЩs doing relief work in Serbia. Sailed a fortnight ago.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh!тАЭ said Nell. She drew a deep breath and smiled. + 

Somehow, she felt happier. + 

IV + 

Darling Nell: + 

Do you know I dream of you every night? Usually youтАЩre nice to me, but sometimes youтАЩre a little beast. Cold and hard and far away. You couldnтАЩt be that really, could you? Not now. Darling, will the indelible pencil ever come off? + 

Nell, sweetheart, I never believe IтАЩm going to be killed, but if I were, what would it matter? WeтАЩve had so much. YouтАЩd think of me always as happy and loving you, wouldnтАЩt you, sweetheart? I know IтАЩd go on loving you after I was dead. ThatтАЩs the only bit of me that couldnтАЩt die. I love youтБатАФlove youтБатАФlove you.тБатАКтБатАж + 

He had never written to her quite like that before. She put the letter in its usual place. + 

That day she was absentminded at the hospital. She forgot things. The men noticed it. + 

тАЬNurse is daydreaming,тАЭ they teased her, making little jokes. And she laughed back. + 

It was so wonderful, so very wonderful, to be loved. Sister Westhaven was in a temper. Nurse Potts slacked more than usual. But it didnтАЩt matter. Nothing mattered. + 

Even the monumental Sister Jenkins, who came on night duty and was always full of pessimism, failed to impress her with any kind of gloom. + 

тАЬAh!тАЭ Sister Jenkins would say, settling her cuffs and moving three double chins round inside her collar in an effort to alleviate their mass. тАЬNo.┬а3 still alive? You surprise me. I didnтАЩt think heтАЩd last through the day. Well, heтАЩll be gone tomorrow, poor young chap. [Sister Jenkins was always prophesying that patients would be gone tomorrow and the failure of her prognostications to come true never seemed to induce in her a more hopeful attitude.] I donтАЩt like the look of No.┬а18тБатАФthat last operation was worse than useless. No.┬а8 is going to take a turn for the worse unless IтАЩm much mistaken. I said so to Doctor, but he didnтАЩt listen to me. Now then, Nurse [with sudden acerbity], no need for you to hang about. Off duty is off duty.тАЭ + 

Nell accepted this gracious permission to depart, well aware that if she had not lingered Sister Jenkins would have asked her тАЬwhat she meant by hurrying away like that?тБатАФnot even willing to wait a minute over time?тАЭ + 

It took twenty minutes to walk home. The night was a clear starry one and Nell enjoyed the walk. If only Vernon could have been walking beside her! + 

She let herself into the house very quietly with her latchkey. Her landlady always went to bed early. On the tray in the hall was an orange-coloured envelope. + 

She knew then. + 

Telling herself that it wasnтАЩtтБатАФthat it couldnтАЩt beтБатАФthat he was only woundedтБатАФsurely he was only woundedтБатАКтБатАж yet she knewтБатАКтБатАж + 

A sentence from the letter she had received that morning leapt out at her: Nell, sweetheart, I never believe I am going to be killed, but if I were what would it matter? WeтАЩve had so much.тБатАКтБатАж + 

He had never written like that before. He must have feltтБатАФhave known. Sensitive people did know sometimes beforehand. + 

She stood there, holding the telegram. VernonтБатАФher lover, her husbandтБатАКтБатАж She stood there a long time. + 

Then at last she opened the telegram, which informed her with deep regret that Lieutenant Vernon Deyre had been Killed in Action. + 

III + 

I + 

A memorial service was held for Vernon in the little old church at Abbotsford under the shadows of Abbots Puissants, as it had been held for his father. The two last of the Deyres were not to lie in the family vault. One in South Africa, one in France. + 

In NellтАЩs memory afterwards the proceedings seemed shadowed by the monumental bulk of Mrs.┬аLevinneтБатАФa vast matriarchal figure dwarfing everything else. She herself had to bite her lips not to laugh hysterically. The whole thing was so funny somehowтБатАФso unlike Vernon. + 

Her mother was there, elegant and aloof. Uncle Sydney was there, in black broadcloth, restraining himself from jingling his money with great difficulty, and with a suitable тАЬmournerтАЩsтАЭ face. Myra Deyre was there in heavy crape, weeping copiously and unrestrainedly. But it was Mrs.┬аLevinne who dominated the proceedings. She came back with them afterwards to the sitting-room at the inn, identifying herself with the family. + 

тАЬPoor dear boyтБатАФpoor dear gallant boy! IтАЩve always thought of him like another thon.тАЭ + 

She was genuinely distressed. Tears splashed down on her black bodice. She patted Myra on the shoulder. + 

тАЬNow, now, my dear, you mustnтАЩt take on so. You mustnтАЩt indeed. ItтАЩs our duty, all of us, to bear up. You gave him to his country. You couldnтАЩt do more. HereтАЩs NellтБатАФas brave as can be.тАЭ + 

тАЬEverything I had in the world,тАЭ sobbed Myra. тАЬFirst husband, then son. Nothing left.тАЭ + 

She stared ahead of her through blood-suffused eyes in a kind of ecstasy of bereavement. + 

тАЬThe very best sonтБатАФwe were everything to each other.тАЭ She caught Mrs.┬аLevinneтАЩs hand. тАЬYouтАЩll know what it feels like if SebastianтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

A spasm of fear passed across Mrs.┬аLevinneтАЩs face. She clenched her hands. + 

тАЬI see theyтАЩve sent up some sandwiches and some port,тАЭ said Uncle Sydney, creating a diversion. тАЬVery thoughtful. Very thoughtful. A little drop of port, Myra dear. YouтАЩve been through a great strain, you know.тАЭ + 

Myra waved away port with a horror-stricken hand. Uncle Sydney was made to feel that he had displayed callousness. + 

тАЬWeтАЩve all got to keep up,тАЭ he said. тАЬItтАЩs our duty.тАЭ + 

His hand stole to his pocket and he began to jingle. + 

тАЬSyd!тАЭ + 

тАЬSorry, Myra.тАЭ + 

Again Nell felt that wild desire to giggle. She didnтАЩt want to cry. She wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh.тБатАКтБатАж AwfulтБатАФto feel like that. + 

тАЬI thought everything went off very nicely,тАЭ said Uncle Sydney. тАЬVery nicely indeed. A most impressive lot of the villagers attended. You wouldnтАЩt like to stroll round Abbots Puissants? That was a very nice letter putting it at our disposal today.тАЭ + 

тАЬI hate the place,тАЭ said Myra vehemently. тАЬI always have.тАЭ + 

тАЬI suppose, Nell, youтАЩve seen the lawyers? I understand Vernon made a perfectly simple will before going out to France, leaving everything to you. In that case, Abbots Puissants is now yours. It was not entailed and in any case there are no Deyres now in existence.тАЭ + 

Nell said: тАЬThank you, Uncle Sydney, IтАЩve seen the lawyer. He was very kind and explained everything to me.тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs more than any lawyer can do as a rule,тАЭ said Uncle Sydney. тАЬThey make the simplest thing sound difficult. ItтАЩs not my business to advise you, but I know thereтАЩs no man in your family who can do so. Much the best thing you can do is to sell it. ThereтАЩs no money to keep it up, you know. You understand that?тАЭ + 

Nell did understand. She saw that Uncle Sydney was making it clear to her that no Bent money was coming her way. Myra would leave her money back to her own family. That, of course, was only natural. Nell would never have dreamed of anything else. + 

As a matter of fact, Uncle Sydney had at once tackled Myra as to whether there was a child coming. Myra said she didnтАЩt think so. Uncle Sydney said she had better make sure. тАЬI donтАЩt know exactly how the law stands, but as it is, if you were to pop off tomorrow having left your money to Vernon, it might go to her. No good taking any chances.тАЭ + 

Myra said tearfully that it was very unkind of him to suggest that she was going to die. + 

тАЬNothing of the sort. You women are all alike. Carrie sulked for a week when I insisted on her making a proper will. We donтАЩt want good money to go out of the family.тАЭ + 

Above all, he did not want good money to go to Nell. He disliked Nell whom he regarded as EnidтАЩs supplanter. And he loathed Mrs.┬аVereker, who always managed to make him feel hot and clumsy and uncertain about his hands. + 

тАЬNell, of course, will take legal advice,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аVereker sweetly. + 

тАЬDonтАЩt think I want to butt in,тАЭ said Uncle Sydney. + 

Nell felt a passionate pang of regret. If only she were going to have a child. Vernon had been so afraid for her. тАЬIt would be so dreadful for you, darling, if I were to be killed and you were left with all the trouble and worry of a child and very little moneyтБатАФBesidesтБатАФyou never knowтБатАФyou might die. I couldnтАЩt bear to risk it.тАЭ + 

And really, it had seemed better and more prudent to wait. + 

But now she was sorry. Her motherтАЩs consolations had seemed coldly brutal to her. + 

тАЬYouтАЩre not going to have a baby, are you, Nell? Well, I must say IтАЩm thankful. Naturally, youтАЩll marry again and itтАЩs so much better when there are no encumbrances.тАЭ + 

In answer to a passionate protest, Mrs.┬аVereker had smiled. тАЬI oughtnтАЩt to have said that just now. But you are only a girl still. Vernon himself would have wanted you to be happy.тАЭ + 

Nell thought: тАЬNever! She doesnтАЩt understand!тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, well, itтАЩs a sad world,тАЭ said Mr.┬аBent, surreptitiously helping himself to a sandwich. тАЬThe flower of our manhood being mown down. But all the same IтАЩm proud of England. IтАЩm proud of being an Englishman. I like to feel that IтАЩm doing my bit in England just as much as these boys are doing it out there. WeтАЩre doubling our output of explosives next month. Night and day shifts. IтАЩm proud of BentтАЩs, I can tell you.тАЭ + 

тАЬIt must be wonderfully profitable,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аVereker. + 

тАЬThatтАЩs not the way I like to look at it,тАЭ said Mr.┬аBent. тАЬI like to look at it that IтАЩm serving my country.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, I hope we all try to do our bit,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аLevinne. тАЬI have a working party twice a week, and IтАЩm interethting myself in all these poor girls who are having war babieth.тАЭ + 

тАЬThereтАЩs too much loose thinking going about,тАЭ said Mr.┬аBent. тАЬWe mustnтАЩt get lax. England has never been lax.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, weтАЩve got to look after the children at any rate,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аLevinne. She added: тАЬHow is Joe? I thought I might see her here today.тАЭ + 

Both Uncle Sydney and Myra looked embarrassed. It was clear that Joe was what is known as a тАЬdelicate subject.тАЭ They skated lightly over the topic. War work in ParisтБатАФvery busyтБатАФunable to get leave. + 

Mr.┬аBent looked at his watch. + 

тАЬMyra, weтАЩve not too much time before the train. Must get back tonight. Carrie, my wife, you know, is very far from well. ThatтАЩs why she wasnтАЩt able to be here today.тАЭ He sighed. тАЬItтАЩs odd how often things turn out for the best. It was a great disappointment to us not having a son. And yet, in a way, weтАЩve been spared a good deal. Think of the anxiety we might be in today. The ways of Providence are wonderful.тАЭ + 

Mrs.┬аVereker said to Nell when they had taken leave of Mrs.┬аLevinne, who motored them back to London: тАЬOne thing I do hope, Nell, is that you wonтАЩt think it your duty to see a lot of your in-laws. I dislike the way that woman wallowed in her grief more than I can tell you. She was thoroughly enjoying herself, though I dare say sheтАЩd have preferred a proper coffin.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! MotherтБатАФshe was really unhappy. She was awfully fond of Vernon. As she said, he was all she had in the world.тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs a phrase women like her are very fond of using. It means nothing at all. And youтАЩre not going to pretend to me that Vernon adored his mother. He merely tolerated her. They had nothing in common. He was a Deyre through and through.тАЭ + 

Nell couldnтАЩt deny that. + 

She stayed at her motherтАЩs flat in town for three weeks. Mrs.┬аVereker was very kind within her own limits. She was not a sympathetic woman at any time, but she respected NellтАЩs grief and did not intrude upon it. Upon practical matters her judgment was, as it always had been, excellent. There were various interviews with lawyers and Mrs.┬аVereker was present at all of them. + 

Abbots Puissants was still let. The tenancy would be up the following year, and the lawyer strongly advised its sale rather than reletting it. Mrs.┬аVereker, to NellтАЩs surprise, did not seem to concur with this view. She suggested a further let of not too long duration. + 

тАЬSo much may happen in a few years,тАЭ she said. + 

Mr.┬аFlemming looked hard at her and seemed to catch her meaning. His glance rested just for a moment on Nell, fair and childish-looking in her mourning. + 

тАЬAs you say,тАЭ he remarked, тАЬmuch may happen. At any rate, nothing need be decided for a year.тАЭ + 

Business matters settled, Nell returned to the hospital at Wiltsbury. She felt that there, and there only, could life be at all possible. Mrs.┬аVereker did not oppose her. She was a sensible woman and she had her own plans. + 

A month after VernonтАЩs death, Nell was once more back in the ward. Nobody ever referred to her loss and she was grateful. To carry on as usual was the motto of the moment. + 

Nell carried on. + 

II + 

тАЬThereтАЩs someone asking for you, Nurse Deyre.тАЭ + 

тАЬFor me?тАЭ Nell was surprised. + 

It must be Sebastian. Only he was likely to come down here and look her up. Did she want to see him or not? She hardly knew. + 

But to her great surprise, her visitor was George Chetwynd. He explained that he was passing through Wiltsbury, and had stopped to see if he could see her. He asked whether she couldnтАЩt come out to lunch with him. + 

тАЬI thought you were on afternoon duty,тАЭ he explained. + 

тАЬI was changed to the morning shift yesterday. IтАЩll ask Matron. WeтАЩre not very busy.тАЭ + 

Permission was accorded her, and half an hour later she was sitting opposite George Chetwynd at the County Hotel with a plate of roast beef in front of her and a waiter hovering over her with a vast dish of cabbage. + 

тАЬThe only vegetable the County Hotel knows,тАЭ observed Chetwynd. + 

He talked interestingly and made no reference to her loss. All he said was that her continuing to work here was the pluckiest thing he had ever heard of. + 

тАЬI canтАЩt tell you how I admire all you women. Carrying on, tackling one job after another. No fussтБатАФno heroicsтБатАФjust sticking to it as though it were the most natural thing in the world. I think Englishwomen are fine.тАЭ + 

тАЬOne must do something.тАЭ + 

тАЬI know. I can understand that feeling. AnythingтАЩs better than sitting with your hands in your lap, eh?тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs it.тАЭ + 

She was grateful. George always understood. He told her that he was off to Serbia in a day or two, organizing relief work there. + 

тАЬFrankly,тАЭ he said, тАЬIтАЩm ashamed of my country for not coming in. But they will. IтАЩm convinced of that. ItтАЩs only a matter of time. In the meantime we do what we can to alleviate the horrors of war.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou look very well.тАЭ + 

He looked younger than she remembered himтБатАФwell set up, bronzed, the grey in his hair a mere distinction rather than a sign of age. + 

тАЬIтАЩm feeling well. Nothing like having plenty to do. Relief workтАЩs pretty strenuous.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhen are you off?тАЭ + 

тАЬDay after tomorrow.тАЭ He paused, then said in a different voice. тАЬLook hereтБатАФyou didnтАЩt mind my looking you up like this? You donтАЩt feel IтАЩd no business to butt in?тАЭ + 

тАЬNoтБатАФno. It was very kind of you. Especially after IтБатАФIтБатАФтАЭ + 

тАЬYou know IтАЩve never borne any rancour over that. I admire you for following your heart. You loved him and you didnтАЩt love me. But thereтАЩs no reason we shouldnтАЩt be friends, is there?тАЭ + 

He looked so friendly, so very unsentimental, that Nell answered happily that there wasnтАЩt. + 

He said: тАЬThatтАЩs fine. And youтАЩll let me do anything for you that a friend can? Advise you in any bothers that arise, I mean?тАЭ + 

Nell said sheтАЩd be only too grateful. + 

They left it like that. He departed in his car shortly after lunch, wringing her hand and saying he hoped theyтАЩd meet again in about six monthsтАЩ time, and begging her again to consult him if she were in a difficulty any time. + 

Nell promised that she would. + 

III + 

The winter was a bad one for Nell. She caught a cold, neglected to take proper care of herself, and was quite ill for a week or so. She was quite unfit to resume hospital work at the end of it, and Mrs.┬аVereker carried her off to London to her flat. There she regained strength slowly. + 

Endless bothers seemed to arise. Abbots Puissants appeared to need an entire new roof. New water pipes had to be installed. The fencing was in a bad state. + 

Nell appreciated for the first time the awful drain property can be. The rent was eaten up many times over with the necessary repairs, and Mrs.┬аVereker had to come to the rescue to tide Nell over a difficult corner and not let her get too much into debt. They were living as penuriously as possible. Vanished were the days of outward show and credit. Mrs.┬аVereker managed to make both ends meet by a very narrow margin, and would hardly have done that but for what she won at the bridge table. She was a first-class player and added materially to her income by play. She was out most of the day at a bridge club that still survived. + 

It was a dull unhappy life for Nell. Worried over money, not strong enough to undertake fresh work, nothing to do but sit and brood. Poverty combined with love in a cottage was one thing. Poverty without love to soften it was another. Sometimes Nell wondered how she was ever going to get through a life that stretched drear and bleak ahead of her. She couldnтАЩt bear things. She simply couldnтАЩt. + 

Then Mr.┬аFlemming urged her to make a decision concerning Abbots Puissants. The tenancy would be up in a month or two. Something must be done. He could not hold out any hopes of letting it for a higher rent. Nobody wanted to rent big places without central heating or modern conveniences. He strongly advised her to sell. + 

He knew the feeling her husband had had about the place. But since she herself was never likely to be able to afford to live in itтБатАКтБатАж + 

Nell admitted the wisdom of what he said, but still pleaded for time to decide. She was reluctant to sell it, but she could not help feeling that the worry of Abbots Puissants once off her mind she would be relieved from her heaviest burden. Then one day Mr.┬аFlemming rang up to say that he had had a very good offer for Abbots Puissants. He mentioned a sum far in excess of herтБатАФor indeed hisтБатАФexpectations. He very strongly advised her to close with it without delay. + 

Nell hesitated a minute, then said тАЬYes.тАЭ + 

IV + 

It was extraordinary how much happier she felt at once. Free of that terrible incubus! It wasnтАЩt as though Vernon had lived. Houses and estates were simply white elephants when you hadnтАЩt the necessary money to keep them up properly. + 

She was undisturbed even by a letter from Joe in Paris. + 

How can you sell Abbots Puissants when you know what Vernon felt about it? I should have thought it would be the last thing you could have done. + 

She thought: тАЬJoe doesnтАЩt understand.тАЭ + 

She wrote back: + 

What was I to do? I donтАЩt know where to turn for money. ThereтАЩs been the roof and the drains and the waterтБатАФitтАЩs endless. I canтАЩt go on running into debt. EverythingтАЩs so tiring I wish I were dead.тБатАКтБатАж + 

Three days later she got a letter from George Chetwynd, asking if he might come and see her. He had, he said, something to confess. + 

Mrs.┬аVereker was out. She received him alone. He broke it rather apprehensively to her. It was he who had purchased Abbots Puissants. + 

Just at first she recoiled from the idea. Not George! Not George at Abbots Puissants! Then with admirable common sense he argued the point. + 

Surely it was better that it should pass into his hands instead of those of a stranger? He hoped that sometimes she and her mother would come and stay there. + 

тАЬIтАЩd like you to feel that your husbandтАЩs home is open to you at any time. I want to change things there as little as possible. You shall advise me. Surely you prefer my having it to its passing into the hands of some vulgarian who will fill it with gilt and spurious Old Masters?тАЭ + 

In the end she wondered why she had felt any objection. Better George than anyone. And he was so kind and understanding about everything. She was tired and worried. She broke down suddenly, cried on his shoulder whilst he put an arm round her and told her that everything was all right, that it was only because sheтАЩd been ill. + 

Nobody could have been kinder or more brotherly. + 

When she told her mother Mrs.┬аVereker said: тАЬI knew George was looking out for a place. ItтАЩs lucky heтАЩs chosen Abbots Puissants. HeтАЩs probably haggled less about the price simply because he was once in love with you.тАЭ + 

The remote way she said тАЬonce in love with youтАЭ made Nell feel comfortable. She had imagined that her mother might have тАЬideasтАЭ still about George Chetwynd. + 

V + 

That summer they went down and stayed at Abbots Puissants. They were the only guests. Nell had not been there since she was a child. A deep regret came upon her that she could not have lived there with Vernon. The house was truly beautiful, and so were the stately gardens and the ruined Abbey. + 

George was in the middle of doing up the house and he consulted her taste at every turn. Nell began to feel quite a proprietary interest. She was almost happy again, enjoying the ease and luxury and the freedom from anxiety. + 

True, once she received the money from Abbots Puissants and had invested it she would have a nice little income, but she dreaded the onus of deciding where to live and what to do. She was not really happy with her mother, and all her own friends seemed to have drifted out of touch. She hardly knew where to go or what to do with her life. + 

Abbots Puissants gave her just the peace and rest she needed. She felt sheltered there and safe. She dreaded the return to town. + 

It was the last evening. George had pressed them to remain longer, but Mrs.┬аVereker had declared that they really couldnтАЩt trespass any longer on his hospitality. + 

Nell and George walked together on the long flagged walk. It was a still, balmy evening. + 

тАЬIt has been lovely here,тАЭ said Nell, with a little sigh. тАЬI hate going back.тАЭ + 

тАЬI hate your going back too.тАЭ He paused and then said very quietly: тАЬI suppose thereтАЩs no chance for me, is there, Nell?тАЭ + 

тАЬI donтАЩt know what you mean?тАЭ + 

But she did knowтБатАФshe knew at once. + 

тАЬI bought this house because I hoped some day youтАЩd live here. I wanted you to have the home that was rightfully yours. Are you going to spend your whole life nursing a memory, Nell? Do you think heтБатАФVernonтБатАФwould wish it? I never think of the dead like thatтБатАФas grudging happiness to the living. I think he would want you to be looked after and taken care of now that he isnтАЩt here to do it.тАЭ + 

She said in a low voice: тАЬI canтАЩtтБатАКтБатАж I canтАЩt.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou mean you canтАЩt forget him? I know that. But IтАЩd be very good to you, Nell. YouтАЩd be wrapped round with love and care. I think I could make you happyтБатАФhappier, at any rate, than youтАЩll be facing life by yourself. I do honestly and truly believe that Vernon would wish it.тАЭ + 

Would he? She wondered. She thought George was right. People might call it disloyalty, but it wasnтАЩt. That life of hers with Vernon was something by itselfтБатАФnothing could touch it ever. + 

But oh! to be looked after, cared for, petted and understood. She always had been fond of George. + 

She answered very softly: тАЬYes.тАЭ + 

VI + 

The person who was angry about it was Myra. She wrote long abusive letters to Nell. + 

You can forget so soon. Vernon has only one homeтБатАФin my heart. You never loved him. + 

Uncle Sydney twirled his thumbs and said: тАЬThat young woman knows which side her bread is buttered on,тАЭ and wrote her a stereotyped letter of congratulation. + 

An unexpected ally was Joe, who was paying a flying visit to London and came round to see Nell at her motherтАЩs flat. + 

тАЬIтАЩm very glad,тАЭ she said, kissing her. тАЬAnd IтАЩm sure Vernon would be. YouтАЩre not the kind that can face life on your own. You never were. DonтАЩt you mind what Aunt Myra says. IтАЩll talk to her. LifeтАЩs a rotten business for women. I think youтАЩll be happy with George. Vernon would want you to be happy, I know.тАЭ + 

JoeтАЩs support heartened Nell more than anything. Joe had always been the nearest person to Vernon. On the night before her wedding, she knelt by her bed and looked up to where VernonтАЩs sword hung over the head of it. + 

She pressed her hands over her closed eyes. + 

тАЬYou do understand, beloved? You do? You do? ItтАЩs you I love and always shall.тБатАКтБатАж Oh, Vernon, if only I could know that you understood.тАЭ + 

She tried to send her very soul out questing in search of him. He mustтБатАФhe mustтБатАФknow and understand. + 

IV + 

I + 

In the town of AтБат╕║ in Holland, not far from the German frontier, is an inconspicuous inn. Here on a certain evening in 1917 a dark young man with a haggard face pushed open the door and in very halting Dutch asked for a lodging for the night. He breathed hard and his eyes were restless. Anna Schlieder, the fat proprietress of the inn, looked at him attentively up and down in her usual deliberate way before she replied. Then she told him that he could have a room. Her daughter Freda took him up to it. When she came back, her mother said laconically: тАЬEnglishтБатАФescaped prisoner.тАЭ + 

Freda nodded but said nothing. Her china-blue eyes were soft and sentimental. She had reasons of her own for taking an interest in the English. Presently she again mounted the stairs and knocked on the door. She went in on top of the knock which, as a matter of fact the young man had not heard. He was so sunk in a stupor of exhaustion that external sounds and happenings had hardly any meaning for him. For days and weeks he had been on the qui vive, escaping dangers by a hairsbreadth, never daring to be caught napping either physically or mentally. Now he was suffering the reaction. He lay where he had fallen, half sprawling across the bed. Freda stood and watched him. At last she said: + 

тАЬI bring you hot water.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh!тАЭ he started up. тАЬIтАЩm sorry. I didnтАЩt hear you.тАЭ + 

She said slowly and carefully in his own language: + 

тАЬYou are EnglishтБатАФyes?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes. Yes, that isтБатАФтАЭ + 

He stopped suddenly in doubt. One must be careful. The danger was overтБатАФhe was out of Germany. He felt slightly lightheaded. A diet of raw potatoes, dug up from the fields, was not stimulating to the brain. But he still felt he must be careful. It was so difficult. He felt queerтБатАФfelt that he wanted to talk and talk, pour out everything now that at last that fearful long strain was over. + 

The Dutch girl was nodding her head at him gravely, wisely. + 

тАЬI know,тАЭ she said. тАЬYou come from over there.тАЭ Her hand pointed in the direction of the frontier. + 

He looked at her, still irresolute. + 

тАЬYou have escapedтБатАФyes. We had before one like you.тАЭ + 

A wave of reassurance passed over him. She was all right, this girl. His legs suddenly felt weak under him. He dropped down on the bed again. + 

тАЬYou are hungry? Yes. I see. I go and bring you something.тАЭ + 

Was he hungry? He supposed he was. How long was it since he had eaten? One day, two days? He couldnтАЩt remember. The end had been like a nightmareтБатАФjust keeping blindly on. He had a map and a compass. He knew the place where he wanted to cross the frontier, the spot that seemed to him to offer the best chance. A thousand to one chances against him being able to pass the frontierтБатАФbut he had passed it. They had shot at him and missed. Or was that all a dream? He had swum down the riverтБатАФthat was it. No, that was all wrong, too. Well, he wouldnтАЩt think about it. He had escaped, that was the great thing. + 

He leaned forward, supporting his aching head in his hands. + 

Very soon Freda returned carrying a tray with food on it and a great tankard of beer. He ate and drank whilst she stood watching him. The effect was magical. His head cleared. He had been lightheaded, he realized that now. He smiled up at Freda. + 

тАЬThatтАЩs splendid,тАЭ he said. тАЬThanks awfully.тАЭ + 

Encouraged by his smile, she sat down on a chair. + 

тАЬYou know London?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, I know it.тАЭ He smiled a little. She had asked that so quaintly. + 

Freda did not smile. She was in deadly earnest. + 

тАЬYou know a soldier there? A what is it?тБатАФCorporal Green?тАЭ + 

He shook his head, a little touched. + 

тАЬIтАЩm afraid not,тАЭ he said gently. тАЬDo you know his regiment?тАЭ + 

тАЬIt was a London regimentтБатАФthe London Fusiliers.тАЭ She had no further information than that. + 

He said kindly: тАЬWhen I get back to London, IтАЩll try to find out. If you like to give me a letter.тАЭ + 

She looked at him doubtfully, yet with a certain air of trusting appeal. In the end the doubt was vanquished. + 

тАЬI will writeтБатАФyes,тАЭ she said. + 

She rose to leave the room and said abruptly: тАЬWe have an English paper hereтБатАФtwo English papers here. My cousin brought them from the hotel. You would like to see them, yes?тАЭ + 

He thanked her and she returned bringing a tattered Eve and a Sketch which she handed to him with some pride. + 

When she left the room again, he laid down the papers by his side and lighted a cigaretteтБатАФhis last cigarette! What would he have done without those cigarettesтБатАФstolen at that! Perhaps Freda would bring him someтБатАФhe had money to pay for them. A kind girl, Freda, in spite of her thick ankles and an unprepossessing exterior. + 

He took out a small notebook from his pocket. The pages were blank and he wrote in it: Corporal Green, London Fusiliers. He would do what he could for the girl. He wondered idly what story lay behind it. What had Corporal Green been doing in Holland in AтБат╕║? Poor Freda. It was the usual thing, he supposed. + 

GreenтБатАФit reminded him of his childhood. Mr.┬аGreen. The omnipotent delightful Mr.┬аGreenтБатАФhis playfellow and protector. Funny, the things one thought of when one was a kid! + 

HeтАЩd never told Nell about Mr.┬аGreen. Perhaps sheтАЩd had a Mr.┬аGreen of her own. Perhaps all children did. + 

He thought: тАЬNellтБатАФOh, NellтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ and his heart missed a beat. Then he turned his thoughts resolutely away. Very soon now. Poor darling, what she must have suffered knowing him to be a prisoner in Germany! But that was all over now. Very soon now theyтАЩd be together. Very soon. Oh! he mustnтАЩt think of it. The task in handтБатАФno looking forward. + 

He picked up the Sketch and idly turned over the pages. A lot of new shows seemed to be on. What fun to go to a show again. Pictures of generals all looking very fierce and warlike. Pictures of people getting married. Not a bad-looking crowd. That oneтБатАФWhyтБатАФ + 

It wasnтАЩt trueтБатАФit couldnтАЩt be true. Another dreamтБатАФa nightmare. + 

Mrs.┬аVernon Deyre who is to marry Mr.┬аGeorge Chetwynd. Mrs.┬аDeyreтАЩs first husband was killed in action over a year ago. Mr.┬аGeorge Chetwynd is an American who has done very valuable relief work in Serbia. + 

Killed in actionтБатАФyes, he supposed that might be. In spite of all conceivable precautions mistakes like that did arise. A man Vernon knew had been reported killed. A thousandth chance, but it happened. + 

Naturally, Nell would have believedтБатАФand naturally, quite naturally, she would marry again. + 

What nonsense he was talking! NellтБатАФmarry again! So soon. Marry GeorgeтБатАФGeorge with his grey hair. + 

A sudden sharp pang shot through him. He had visualized George too clearly. Damn GeorgeтБатАФblast and curse George. + 

But it wasnтАЩt true. No, it wasnтАЩt true! + 

He stood up, steadying himself as he swayed on his feet. To anyone who had seen him, he would have appeared a little drunk. + 

He was perfectly calmтБатАФyes, he was perfectly calm. The thing was not to believeтБатАФnot to think. Put it awayтБатАФright away. It wasnтАЩt trueтБатАФit couldnтАЩt be true. If you once admitted that it might be true, you were done. + 

He went out of his room, down the stairs. He passed the girl Freda, who stared at him. He said very quietly and calmly (marvellous that he should be so calm): + 

тАЬIтАЩm going out for a walk.тАЭ + 

He went out, oblivious of old Anna SchliederтАЩs eyes that raked his back as he passed her. The girl, Freda, said to her: + 

тАЬHe passed me on the stairs likeтБатАФlikeтБатАФwhat has happened to him?тАЭ + 

Anna tapped her forehead significantly. Nothing ever surprised her. + 

Out on the road Vernon was walkingтБатАФwalking very fast. He must get awayтБатАФget away from the thing that was following him. If he looked roundтБатАФif he thought about itтБатАФbut he wouldnтАЩt think about it. + 

Everything was all rightтБатАФeverything. + 

Only he mustnтАЩt think. This queer dark thing that was following himтБатАФfollowing himтБатАКтБатАж If he didnтАЩt think, he was all right. + 

NellтБатАФNell with her golden hair and her sweet smile. His Nell. Nell and GeorgeтБатАКтБатАж No, no, no! It wasnтАЩt so, he was in time. + 

And suddenly, lucidly, there ran through his mind the thought: тАЬThat paper was six months old at least. TheyтАЩve been married five months.тАЭ + 

He reeled. He thought: тАЬI canтАЩt bear it. No, this I canтАЩt bear. Something must happen.тАЭ + 

He held on blindly to that: Something must happen. + 

Somebody would help him. Mr.┬аGreen. What was this awful thing that was dogging him? Of course, the Beast. The Beast. + 

He could hear it coming. He gave one panic-stricken glance over his shoulder. He was out of the town now, walking on a straight road between dykes. The Beast was coming lumbering along at a great pace, rattling and bumping. + 

The BeastтБатАКтБатАж Oh! if only he could go backтБатАФto the Beast and Mr.┬аGreen, the old terrors, the old comforts. They didnтАЩt hurt you like the new thingsтБатАФlike Nell and George Chetwynd. GeorgeтБатАКтБатАж Nell belonging to GeorgeтБатАКтБатАж + 

No! no, it wasnтАЩt trueтБатАФit mustnтАЩt be true. He couldnтАЩt face any more. Not thatтБатАФnot that. + 

There was only one way to get out of it all, to be at peaceтБатАФonly one way, Vernon Deyre had made a mess of life. Better to get out of it. + 

One last flaming agony shot through his brain. NellтБатАФGeorgeтБатАФno! He thrust them out with a last effort. Mr.┬аGreenтБатАФkind Mr.┬аGreen. + 

He stepped out into the roadway right in the path of the lurching lorry that tried to avoid him too lateтБатАФand struck him down and backwards. + 

A horrible searing shock. Thank God, this was death. + 