III
For a whole week Vernon debated the question of whether he should or should not take Jane at her word. He could get up to town at the weekendтБатАФbut then perhaps Jane would be away. He felt miserably self-conscious and shy. Perhaps by now she had forgotten that she had asked him.
He let the weekend go by. He felt that certainly by now she would have forgotten him. Then he got a letter from Joe in which she mentioned having seen Jane twice. That decided Vernon. At six oтАЩclock on the following Saturday, he rang the bell of JaneтАЩs flat.
Jane herself opened it. Her eyes opened a little wider when she saw who it was. Otherwise she displayed no surprise.
тАЬCome in,тАЭ she said. тАЬIтАЩm finishing my practising. But you wonтАЩt mind.тАЭ
He followed her into a long room whose windows overlooked the river. It was very empty. A grand piano, a divan, a couple of chairs and walls that were papered with a wild riot of bluebells and daffodils. One wall alone was papered in sober dark green and on it hung a single pictureтБатАФa queer study of bare tree trunks. Something about it reminded Vernon of his early adventures in the Forest.
On the music stool was the little man like a white worm.
Jane pushed a cigarette box towards Vernon, said in her brutal commanding voice, тАЬNow, Mr.┬аHill,тАЭ and began to walk up and down the room.
Mr.┬аHill flung himself upon the piano. His hands twinkled up and down it with marvellous speed and dexterity. Jane sang. Most of the time sotto voce, almost under her breath. Occasionally she would take a phrase full pitch. Once or twice she stopped with an exclamation of what sounded like furious impatience, and Mr.┬аHill was made to repeat from several bars back.
She broke off quite suddenly by clapping her hands. She crossed to the fireplace, pushed the bell, and turning her head addressed Mr.┬аHill for the first time as a human being.
тАЬYouтАЩll stay and have some tea, wonтАЩt you, Mr.┬аHill?тАЭ
Mr.┬аHill was afraid he couldnтАЩt. He twisted his body apologetically several times and sidled out of the room. A maid brought in black coffee and hot buttered toast which appeared to be JaneтАЩs conception of afternoon tea.
тАЬWhat was that you were singing?тАЭ
тАЬElectraтБатАФRichard Strauss.тАЭ
тАЬOh! I liked it. It was like dogs fighting.тАЭ
тАЬStrauss would be flattered. All the same, I know what you mean. It is combative.тАЭ
She pushed the toast towards him and added:
тАЬYour cousinтАЩs been here twice.тАЭ
тАЬI know. She wrote and told me.тАЭ
He felt tongue-tied and uncomfortable. He had wanted so much to come, and now that he was here he didnтАЩt know what to say. Something about Jane made him uncomfortable. He blurted out at last:
тАЬTell me truthfullyтБатАФwould you advise me to chuck work altogether and stick to music?тАЭ
тАЬHow can I possibly tell? I donтАЩt know what you want to do.тАЭ
тАЬYou spoke like that the other night. As though everyone can do just what they like.тАЭ
тАЬSo they can. Not always, of courseтБатАФbut very nearly always. If you want to murder someone, there is really nothing to stop you. But you will be hanged afterwardsтБатАФnaturally.тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt want to murder anyone.тАЭ
тАЬNo, you want your fairy story to end happily. Uncle dies and leaves you all his money. You marry your lady love and live at AbbotsтБатАФwhatever itтАЩs calledтБатАФhappily ever afterwards.тАЭ
Vernon said angrily: тАЬI wish you wouldnтАЩt laugh at me.тАЭ
Jane was silent a minute, then she said in a different voice: тАЬI wasnтАЩt laughing at you. I was doing something IтАЩd no business to doтБатАФtrying to interfere.тАЭ
тАЬWhat do you mean, trying to interfere?тАЭ
тАЬTrying to make you face reality, and forgetting that you areтБатАФwhatтБатАФabout eight years younger than I am?тБатАФand that your time for that hasnтАЩt yet come.тАЭ
He thought suddenly: тАЬI could say anything to herтБатАФanything at all. She wouldnтАЩt always answer the way I wanted her to, though.тАЭ
Aloud he said: тАЬPlease go on. IтАЩm afraid itтАЩs very egotistical, my talking about myself like this, but IтАЩm so worried and unhappy. I want to know what you meant when you said the other evening that of the four things I wanted, I could get any one of them but not all together.тАЭ
Jane considered a minute.
тАЬWhat did I mean exactly? Why, just this. To get what you want, you must usually pay a price or take a riskтБатАФsometimes both. For instance, I love musicтБатАФa certain kind of music. My voice is suitable for a totally different kind of music. ItтАЩs an unusually good concert voiceтБатАФnot an operatic oneтБатАФexcept for very light opera. But IтАЩve sung in Wagner, in StraussтБатАФin all the things I like. I havenтАЩt exactly paid a priceтБатАФbut I take an enormous risk. My voice may give out any minute. I know that. IтАЩve looked the fact in the face and IтАЩve decided that the game is worth the candle.
тАЬNow in your case, you mentioned four things. For the first, I suppose that if you remain in your uncleтАЩs business for a sufficient number of years, you will grow rich without any further trouble. ThatтАЩs not very interesting. Secondly, you want to live at Abbots Puissants. You could do that tomorrow if you married a girl with money. Then the girl youтАЩre fond of, the girl you want to marryтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬCan I get her tomorrow?тАЭ asked Vernon. He spoke with a kind of angry irony.
тАЬI should say soтБатАФquite easily.тАЭ
тАЬHow?тАЭ
тАЬBy selling Abbots Puissants. It is yours to sell, isnтАЩt it?тАЭ
тАЬYes, but I couldnтАЩt do that. I couldnтАЩtтБатАФI couldnтАЩt.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
Jane leaned back in her chair and smiled.
тАЬYou prefer to go on believing that life is a fairy story?тАЭ
тАЬThere must be some other way.тАЭ
тАЬYes, of course there is another. Probably the simplest. ThereтАЩs nothing to stop you both going out to the nearest Registry Office. YouтАЩve both got the use of your limbs.тАЭ
тАЬYou donтАЩt understand. There are hundreds of difficulties in the way. I couldnтАЩt ask Nell to face a life of poverty. She doesnтАЩt want to be poor.тАЭ
тАЬPerhaps she canтАЩt.тАЭ
тАЬWhat do you mean by тАШcanтАЩtтАЩ?тАЭ
тАЬJust that. CanтАЩt. Some people canтАЩt be poor, you know.тАЭ
Vernon got up, walked twice up and down the room. Then he came back, dropped on the hearthrug beside JaneтАЩs chair, and looked up at her.
тАЬWhat about the fourth thing? Music? Do you think I could ever do that?тАЭ
тАЬThat I canтАЩt say. Wanting maynтАЩt be any use there. But if it does happen, I expect it will swallow up all the rest. TheyтАЩll all goтБатАФAbbots Puissants, money, the girl. My dear, I donтАЩt feel lifeтАЩs going to be easy for you. Ugh! a goose is walking over my grave. Now tell me something about this opera Sebastian Levinne says you are writing.тАЭ
When he had finished telling her, it was nine oтАЩclock. They both exclaimed and went out to a little restaurant together. As he said goodbye afterwards, his first diffidence returned.
тАЬI think you are one of theтБатАФthe nicest people I ever met. You will let me come again and talk, wonтАЩt you? If I havenтАЩt bored you too frightfully.тАЭ
тАЬAny time you like. Good night.тАЭ