III
It had been like a dream. Now the dream was over. Nell was back at the hospital. It seemed to her she had never been away. She waited desperately for the postтБатАФfor VernonтАЩs first letter. It cameтБатАФmore ardent and unrestrained than usual, as though even censorship had been forgotten. Nell wore it against her heart and the indelible pencil came off on her skin. She wrote and told him so.
Life went on as usual. Dr.┬аLang went out to the front and was replaced by an elderly doctor with a beard who said, тАЬThank ye, thank ye, Sister,тАЭ every time he was offered a towel or was helped on with his white linen coat. They had a slack time with most of the beds empty and Nell found the enforced idleness trying.
One day, to her surprise and delight, Sebastian walked in. He was home on leave and had come down to look her up. Vernon had asked him to.
тАЬYouтАЩve seen him then?тАЭ
Sebastian said yes, his lot had taken over from Vernon.
тАЬAnd heтАЩs all right?тАЭ
тАЬOh! yes, heтАЩs all right!тАЭ
Something in the way he said it caused her alarm. She pressed him. Sebastian frowned in perplexity.
тАЬItтАЩs difficult to explain, Nell. You see, VernonтАЩs an odd beggarтБатАФalways has been. He doesnтАЩt like looking things in the face.тАЭ
He quelled the fierce retort that he saw rising to her lips.
тАЬI donтАЩt mean in the least what you think I mean. He isnтАЩt afraid. Lucky devil, I donтАЩt think he knows what fear is. I wish I didnтАЩt. No, itтАЩs different from that. ItтАЩs the whole lifeтБатАФitтАЩs pretty ghastly, you know. Dirt and blood and filth, and noiseтБатАФabove all, noise! Recurrent noise at fixed times. It gets on my nerves, so what must it do to VernonтАЩs?тАЭ
тАЬYes, but what did you mean by not facing things?тАЭ
тАЬSimply that he wonтАЩt admit that thereтАЩs anything to face. HeтАЩs afraid of minding, so he says thereтАЩs nothing to mind. If heтАЩd only admit that itтАЩs a bloody filthy business like I do heтАЩd be all right. But itтАЩs like that old piano businessтБатАФhe wonтАЩt look at the thing fair and square. And itтАЩs no good saying тАШthere ainтАЩt no such thingтАЩ when there is. But thatтАЩs always been VernonтАЩs way. HeтАЩs in good spiritsтБатАФenjoying everythingтБатАФand it isnтАЩt natural. IтАЩm afraid of hisтБатАФOh! I donтАЩt know what IтАЩm afraid of. But I know that telling yourself fairy stories is about the worst thing you can do. VernonтАЩs a musician, and heтАЩs got the nerves of a musician. The worst of him is that he doesnтАЩt know anything about himself. He never has.тАЭ
Nell looked troubled.
тАЬSebastian, what do you think will happen?тАЭ
тАЬOh, nothing, probably. What I should like to happen would be for Vernon to stop one, in as conveniently painless a place as possible, and come back to be nursed for a bit.тАЭ
тАЬHow I wish that would happen!тАЭ
тАЬPoor old Nell! ItтАЩs rotten for all you people. IтАЩm glad I havenтАЩt got a wife.тАЭ
тАЬIf you hadтБатАФтАЭ Nell paused, then went on. тАЬWould you want her to work in a hospital or would you rather she did nothing?тАЭ
тАЬEverybody will be working sooner or later. ItтАЩs as well to get down to it as soon as possible, I should say.тАЭ
тАЬVernon doesnтАЩt like my doing this.тАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩs his ostrich act again, plus the reactionary spirit that heтАЩs inherited and will never quite outgrow. Sooner or later heтАЩll face the fact that women are workingтБатАФbut he wonтАЩt admit it till the last minute.тАЭ
Nell sighed.
тАЬHow worrying everything is.тАЭ
тАЬI know. And IтАЩve made things worse for you. But IтАЩm awfully fond of Vernon. HeтАЩs the one friend I care about. And I hoped if I told you what I thought youтАЩd encourage him toтБатАФwell, give way a littleтБатАФat any rate to you. But perhaps to you he does let himself go?тАЭ
Nell shook her head.
тАЬHe wonтАЩt do anything but joke about the war.тАЭ
Sebastian whistled.
тАЬWell, next timeтБатАФget it out of him. Stick to it.тАЭ
Nell said suddenly and sharply: тАЬDo you think heтАЩd talk betterтБатАФto Jane?тАЭ
тАЬTo Jane?тАЭ Sebastian looked rather embarrassed. тАЬI donтАЩt know. Perhaps. It all depends.тАЭ
тАЬYou do think so! Why? Tell me why? Is she more sympathetic, or what?тАЭ
тАЬOh! Lord, no. JaneтАЩs not exactly sympathetic. Provocative is more the word. You get annoyed with herтБатАФand out pops the truth. She makes you aware of yourself in ways you donтАЩt want to be. ThereтАЩs nobody like Jane for pulling you off your high horse.тАЭ
тАЬYou think sheтАЩs a lot of influence over Vernon?тАЭ
тАЬOh! I wouldnтАЩt say that. And anyhow, it wouldnтАЩt matter if she had. SheтАЩs doing relief work in Serbia. Sailed a fortnight ago.тАЭ
тАЬOh!тАЭ said Nell. She drew a deep breath and smiled.
Somehow, she felt happier.