IV
Vernon came down to Abbots Puissants three days later. He came in Sebastian LevinneтАЩs car. To the butler he gave his name as Mr.┬аGreen. Nell was waiting for him in the little white-panelled room where his mother had sat in the mornings. She came forward to meet him, forcing a conventional smile to her lips. The butler shut the door behind him, just in time for her to stop short before offering him her hand.
They looked at each other. Then Vernon said:
тАЬNellтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
She was in his arms. He kissed herтБатАФkissed herтБатАФkissed her.тБатАКтБатАж
He let her go at last. They sat down. He was quiet, rather tragic, very restrained, but for that one wild greeting. HeтАЩd gone through so muchтБатАФso much in these last few days.
Sometimes he wished theyтАЩd left him aloneтБатАФas George Green. It had been jolly being George Green.
He said stammeringly: тАЬItтАЩs all right, Nell. You mustnтАЩt think I blame you. I understand. Only it hurts. It hurts like hell. Naturally.тАЭ
She said: тАЬI didnтАЩt meanтБатАФтАЭ
He interrupted her.
тАЬI know, I tell youтБатАФI know! DonтАЩt talk about it. I donтАЩt want to hear about it. I donтАЩt want to think about it even.тАЭ He added in a different tone: тАЬThey say thatтАЩs my trouble. ThatтАЩs how it happened.тАЭ
She said, rather eagerly: тАЬTell me about itтБатАФabout everything.тАЭ
тАЬThere isnтАЩt much to tell.тАЭ He spoke without interest, abstractedly. тАЬI was taken prisoner. How I got to be reported killed, I donтАЩt know. At least I have a sort of vague idea. There was a fellow very like meтБатАФone of the Huns. I donтАЩt mean a double, or anything of that sort, but just a general superficial resemblance. My GermanтАЩs pretty rotten but I heard them commenting on it. They took my kit and my identification disc. I think the idea was to penetrate into our lines as meтБатАФwe were being relieved by Colonial troops, and they knew it. The fellow would pass muster for a day or so and would gain the information he wanted. ThatтАЩs only an idea, but it explains why I wasnтАЩt returned in the list of prisoners and I was sent to a camp that was practically all French and Belgians. But none of that matters, does it? I suppose the Hun was killed getting through our lines and was buried as me. I had a pretty bad time in GermanyтБатАФnearly died with some kind of fever on top of being wounded. Finally I escapedтБатАФOh! itтАЩs a long story. IтАЩm not going into all that now. I had the hell of a timeтБатАФwithout food and water sometimes for days at a stretch. It was a sort of miracle that I came throughтБатАФbut I did. I got into Holland. I was exhausted and at the same time all strung up. And I could only think of one thingтБатАФgetting back to you.тАЭ
тАЬYes?тАЭ
тАЬAnd then I saw itтБатАФin a beastly illustrated paper. Your marriage. ItтБатАФit finished me. But I wouldnтАЩt face it. I kept on saying that it couldnтАЩt be true. I went outтБатАФI donтАЩt know where I went. Things got all mixed up in my mind.
тАЬThere was a whacking great lorry coming down the road. I saw my chanceтБатАФend it all, get out of it. I stepped out in front of it.тАЭ
тАЬOh, Vernon.тАЭ She shuddered.
тАЬAnd that was the end. Of me as Vernon Deyre, I mean. When I came to there was just one name in my headтБатАФGeorge. That lucky chap, George. George Green.тАЭ
тАЬWhy Green?тАЭ
тАЬA sort of fancy of mine when I was a child. And then the Dutch girl at the inn had asked me to look up a pal of hers whose name was Green and IтАЩd written it down in a little book.тАЭ
тАЬAnd you didnтАЩt remember anything?тАЭ
тАЬNo.тАЭ
тАЬWerenтАЩt you very frightened?тАЭ
тАЬNo, not at all. I didnтАЩt seem to be worrying about anything.тАЭ He added with lingering regret: тАЬI was awfully happy and jolly.тАЭ
Then he looked across at her.
тАЬBut that doesnтАЩt matter now. Nothing mattersтБатАФbut you.тАЭ
She smiled at him but her smile was flickering and uncertain. He barely noticed it at the moment, but went on.
тАЬItтАЩs been rather hellтБатАФgetting back. Remembering things. All such beastly things. All the things thatтБатАФreallyтБатАФI didnтАЩt want to face. I seem to have been an awful coward all my life. Always turning away from things I didnтАЩt want to look at. Refusing to admit them.тАЭ
He got up suddenly and came across to her, dropping his head upon her knees.
тАЬDarling NellтБатАФitтАЩs all right. I know I come first. I do, donтАЩt I?тАЭ
She said: тАЬOf course.тАЭ
Why did her voice sound so mechanical in her own ears? He did come first. Just now, with his lips on hers, she had been swept back again to those wonderful days at the beginning of the war. She had never felt about George like thatтБатАКтБатАж drowned, carried away.
тАЬYou say that so strangelyтБатАФas though you didnтАЩt mean it.тАЭ
тАЬOf course I mean it.тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩm sorry for ChetwyndтБатАФrotten luck for him. How has he taken it? Very hard?тАЭ
тАЬI havenтАЩt told him.тАЭ
тАЬWhat?тАЭ
She was moved to vindicate herself.
тАЬHeтАЩs awayтБатАФin Spain. I havenтАЩt got his address.тАЭ
тАЬOh! I see.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
He paused.
тАЬItтАЩll be rather rotten for you, Nell. But it canтАЩt be helped. WeтАЩll have each other.тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
Vernon looked round.
тАЬChetwynd will have this place, anyway. IтАЩm such an ungenerous beggar that I even grudge him that. But, damn it all, it is my home. ItтАЩs been in the family five hundred years. Oh! what does it all matter? Jane told me once that I couldnтАЩt get everything. IтАЩve got youтБатАФthatтАЩs all that matters. WeтАЩll find some place. Even if itтАЩs only a couple of rooms, it will do.тАЭ
His arms stole up, closing round her. Why did she feel that cold dismay at those words, тАЬA couple of roomsтАЭ?
тАЬDamn these things! They get in my way!тАЭ
ImpetuouslyтБатАФhalf laughingтБатАФhe held up the string of pearls she wore. He switched them offтБатАФflung them on the floor. Her lovely pearls! She thought: тАЬAnyway, I suppose IтАЩll have to give them back.тАЭ Another cold feeling. All those lovely jewels that George had given her.
What a brute she was to go on thinking of things like that.
He had seen something at last. He was kneeling upright, looking at her.
тАЬNell, isтБатАФis anything the matter?тАЭ
тАЬNoтБатАФof course not.тАЭ
She couldnтАЩt meet his eyes. She felt too ashamed.
тАЬThere is something. Tell me.тАЭ
She shook her head.
тАЬItтАЩs nothing.тАЭ
She couldnтАЩt be poor again. She couldnтАЩtтБатАФshe couldnтАЩt.
тАЬNell, you must tell me.тАЭ
He mustnтАЩt knowтБатАФhe must never know what she was really like. She was so ashamed.
тАЬNell, you do love me, donтАЩt you?тАЭ
тАЬOh, yes!тАЭ The words came eagerly. That at any rate was true.
тАЬThen what is it? I know thereтАЩs something.тБатАКтБатАж Ah!тАЭ
He got up. His face had gone white. She looked up at him inquiringly.
тАЬIs it that?тАЭ he asked in a low voice. тАЬIt must be. YouтАЩre going to have a child.тАЭ
She sat as though carved in stone. She had never thought of that. If it were true, it solved everything. Vernon would never know.
тАЬIt is that?тАЭ
Again it seemed as though hours passed. Thoughts went whirling round in her brain. It was not herself, but something outside herself that at last made her bow her head ever so slightly.
He moved a little away. He spoke in a hard dry voice.
тАЬThat alters everything.тБатАКтБатАж My poor Nell! You canтАЩtтБатАФwe canтАЩtтБатАКтБатАж Look here, nobody knowsтБатАФabout me, I meanтБатАФexcept the doctor and Sebastian and Jane. They wonтАЩt split. I was reported dead. I am dead.тАЭ
She made a movement, but he held up a hand to stop her and backed away towards the door.
тАЬDonтАЩt say anythingтБатАФfor GodтАЩs sake, donтАЩt say anything. Words will make it worse. IтАЩm going. I darenтАЩt touch you or kiss you. IтБатАФgoodbye.тАЭ
She heard the door open, made a movement as if to call outтБатАФbut no sound came from her throat. The door shut again.
There was still time. The car hadnтАЩt started.
But still she didnтАЩt move.
She had one moment of searing bitterness when she looked into herself and thought: тАЬSo thatтАЩs what IтАЩm really like.тАЭ
But she made no sound or movement.
Four years of soft living fettered her will, stifled her voice, and paralysed her body.