II
I
Nell went to see Mrs.┬аCurtis, the Red Cross Commandant. Mrs.┬аCurtis was benign and affable. She was enjoying her importance and was convinced that she was a born organizer. Actually, she was a very bad one. But everyone said she had a wonderful manner. She condescended graciously to Nell.
тАЬLet me see, Mrs.тБатАФah! Deyre. YouтАЩve got your V.A.D. and nursing certificates?тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
тАЬBut you donтАЩt belong to any of the local detachments?тАЭ
NellтАЩs exact standing was discussed at some length.
тАЬWell, we must see what we can do for you,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аCurtis. тАЬThe hospital is fully staffed at present, but of course they are always falling out. Two days after the first convoy came in, we had seventeen resignations. All women of a certain age. They didnтАЩt like the way the Sisters spoke to them. I myself think the Sisters were perhaps a little unnecessarily brutal, but of course thereтАЩs a great deal of jealousy of the Red Cross. And these were all well-to-do women who didnтАЩt like being тАШspoken to.тАЩ You are not sensitive in that way, Mrs.┬аDeyre?тАЭ
Nell said that she didnтАЩt mind anything.
тАЬThat is the spirit,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аCurtis approvingly. тАЬI myself,тАЭ she continued, тАЬconsider it in the light of good discipline. And where should we all be without discipline?тАЭ
It shot through NellтАЩs mind that Mrs.┬аCurtis had not had to endure any discipline, which robbed her pronouncement of some of its impressiveness. But she continued to stand there looking attentive and impressed.
тАЬI have a list of girls on the reserve,тАЭ continued Mrs.┬аCurtis. тАЬI will add your name. Two days a week you will attend at the Out Patient Ward at the Town Hospital, and thereby gain a little experience. They are short-handed there and are willing to accept our help. Then you and MissтБатАФтАЭ she consulted a listтБатАФтАЬI think Miss CardnerтБатАФyes, Miss CardnerтБатАФwill go with the district nurse on her rounds on Tuesdays and Fridays. YouтАЩve got your uniform, of course? Then that is all right.тАЭ
Mary Cardner was a pleasant plump girl whose father was a retired butcher. She was very friendly to Nell, explained that the days were Wednesday and Saturday and not Tuesday and Friday, тАЬbut old Curtis always gets something wrong,тАЭ that the district nurse was a dear and never jumped on you, and that Sister Margaret at the hospital was a holy terror.
On the following Wednesday Nell did her first round with the district nurse, a little bustling woman very much overworked. At the end of the day she patted Nell kindly on the shoulder.
тАЬIтАЩm glad to see you have a head on your shoulders, my dear. Really some of the girls who come seem to me half-wittedтБатАФthey do indeed. And such fine ladies, you wouldnтАЩt believeтБатАФNot by birthтБатАФI donтАЩt mean that. But half-educated girls who think nursing is all smoothing a pillow and feeding the patient with grapes. YouтАЩll know your way about in no time.тАЭ
Heartened by this, Nell presented herself at the Out Patient Department at the given time without too much trepidation. She was received by a tall gaunt Sister with a malevolent eye.
тАЬAnother raw beginner,тАЭ she grumbled. тАЬMrs.┬аCurtis sent you, I suppose? IтАЩm sick of that woman. Takes me more time and trouble teaching silly girls who think they know everything than it would to do everything myself.тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩm sorry,тАЭ said Nell meekly.
тАЬGet a couple of certificates, attend a dozen lectures and think you know everything,тАЭ said Sister Margaret bitterly. тАЬHere they come. DonтАЩt get in my way more than you can help.тАЭ
A typical batch of patients were assembled: a young boy with legs riddled with ulcers, a child with scalded legs from an overturned kettle, a girl with a needle in her finger, various sufferers with тАЬbad ears,тАЭ тАЬbad legs,тАЭ тАЬbad arms.тАЭ
Sister Margaret said sharply to Nell: тАЬKnow how to syringe an ear? I thought not. Watch me.тАЭ
Nell watched.
тАЬYou can do it next time,тАЭ said Sister Margaret. тАЬGet the bandage off that boyтАЩs finger, and let him soak it in hot boracic water till IтАЩm ready for him.тАЭ
Nell felt nervous and clumsy. Sister Margaret was paralysing her. Almost immediately, it seemed, Sister was by her side.
тАЬWe havenтАЩt got all day here to do things in,тАЭ she remarked. тАЬHere, leave it to me. You seem to be all thumbs. Soak the bandages off that kidтАЩs legs. Tepid water.тАЭ
Nell got a basin of tepid water and knelt down before the child, a mere mite of three. She was badly burnt, and the bandages had stuck to the tiny legs. Nell sponged and soaked very gently, but the baby screamed. It was a loud long-drawn yell of terror and agony, and it defeated Nell utterly.
She felt suddenly sick and faint. She couldnтАЩt do this workтБатАФshe simply couldnтАЩt do it. She drew back, and as she did so she glanced up to find Sister Margaret watching her, a gleam of malicious pleasure showing in her eye.
тАЬI thought you couldnтАЩt stick it,тАЭ that eye said.
It rallied Nell as nothing else would have done. She bent her head, and setting her teeth, went on with her job, trying to avert her mind from the childтАЩs shrieks. It was done at last, and Nell stood up, white and trembling and feeling deathly sick.
Sister Margaret came along. She seemed disappointed.
тАЬOh, youтАЩve done it,тАЭ she said. She spoke to the childтАЩs mother. тАЬIтАЩd be a bit more careful how you let the child get at the kettle in future, Mrs.┬аSomers,тАЭ she said.
Mrs.┬аSomers complained that you couldnтАЩt be everywhere at once.
Nell was ordered off to foment a poisoned finger. Next, she assisted Sister to syringe the ulcerated leg, and after that stood by while a young doctor extracted the needle from the girlтАЩs finger. As he probed and cut, the girl winced and shrank and he spoke to her sharply.
тАЬKeep quiet, canтАЩt you?тАЭ
Nell thought: тАЬOne never sees this side of things. One is only used to a doctor with a bedside manner. IтАЩm afraid this will hurt a little. Be as still as you can.тАЭ
The young doctor proceeded to extract a couple of teeth, flinging them carelessly on the floor, then he treated a smashed hand that had just come in from an accident.
It was not, Nell reflected, that he was unskillful. It was the absence of manner that was so disturbing to oneтАЩs preconceived ideas. Whatever he did, Sister Margaret accompanied him, tittering in a sycophantic manner at any joke he was pleased to make. Of Nell he took no notice.
At last the hour was over. Nell was thankful. She said goodbye timidly to Sister Margaret.
тАЬLike it?тАЭ asked Sister with a demoniac grin.
тАЬIтАЩm afraid IтАЩm very stupid,тАЭ said Nell.
тАЬHow can you be anything else?тАЭ said Sister Margaret. тАЬA lot of amateurs like you Red Cross people. And thinking you know everything on earth. Well, perhaps, youтАЩll be a little less clumsy next time!тАЭ
Such was NellтАЩs encouraging d├йbut at the hospital.
It grew less terrible as time went on, however. Sister Margaret softened, and relaxed her attitude of fierce defensiveness. She even permitted herself to answer questions.
тАЬYouтАЩre not so stuck up as most,тАЭ she allowed graciously.
Nell, in her turn, was impressed by the enormous amount of competent work Sister Margaret managed to put in in a very short time. And she understood a little her soreness on the subject of amateurs.
What struck Nell most was the enormous number of тАЬbad legsтАЭ and their prototypes, most of them evidently old friends. She asked Sister Margaret timidly about them.
тАЬNothing much to be done about it,тАЭ Sister Margaret replied. тАЬHereditary, most of them. Bad blood. You canтАЩt cure it.тАЭ
Another thing that impressed Nell was the uncomplaining heroism of the poor. They came and were treated, suffered great pain, and went off to walk several miles home without a thought.
She saw it too in their homes. She and Mary Cardner had taken over a certain amount of the district nurseтАЩs round. They washed bedridden old women, tended тАЬbad legs,тАЭ occasionally washed and tended babies whose mothers were too ill to do anything. The cottages were small, the windows usually hermetically sealed, and the place littered with treasures dear to the hearts of the owners. The stuffiness was often unbearable.
The worst shock was about two weeks after beginning work, when they found a bedridden old man dead in his bed and had to lay him out. But for Mary CardnerтАЩs matter-of-fact cheerfulness, Nell felt she could not have done it.
The district nurse praised them.
тАЬYouтАЩre good girls. And youтАЩre being a real help.тАЭ
They went home glowing with satisfaction. Never in her life had Nell so appreciated a hot bath and a lavish allowance of bath salts.
She had had two postcards from Vernon. Mere scrawls saying he was all right and everything was splendid. She wrote to him every day describing her adventures, trying to make them sound as amusing as possible. He wrote back:
IтАЩm all right. Feeling splendidly fit. ItтАЩs all a great adventure, but I do long to see you. I do wish you wouldnтАЩt go into these beastly cottages and places and mess about with diseased people. IтАЩm sure youтАЩll catch something. Why you want to, I canтАЩt think. IтАЩm sure it isnтАЩt necessary. Do give it up.
We think mostly about our food out here, and the Tommies think of nothing but their tea. TheyтАЩll risk being blown to bits any time for a cup of hot tea. I have to censor their letters. One man always ends тАЬYours till hell freezes,тАЭ so IтАЩll say the same.
One morning Nell received a telephone call from Mrs.┬аCurtis.
тАЬThere is a vacancy for a ward maid, Mrs.┬аDeyre. Afternoon duty. Be at the hospital at two-thirty.тАЭ
The Town Hall of Wiltsbury had been turned into a hospital. It was a big new building standing in the cathedral square and overshadowed by the tall spire of the cathedral. A handsome being in uniform with a game leg and medals received her kindly at the front entrance.
тАЬYouтАЩve come to the wrong door, Missie. Staff through the quartermasterтАЩs stores. Here, the scout will show you the way.тАЭ
A diminutive scout conducted her down steps, through a kind of gloomy crypt where an elderly lady in Red Cross uniform sat surrounded with bales of hospital shirtsтБатАФwearing several shawls and shivering a good dealтБатАФthen along stoneflagged passages, and finally into a gloomy underground chamber where she was received by Miss Curtain, the chief of the ward maids, a tall thin lady with a face like a dreaming duchess and charming gentle manners.
Nell was instructed in her duties, which were simple enough to understand. They entailed hard work, but no difficulty. A certain area of stone passages and steps to scrub. Then the nursesтАЩ tea to lay, wait on, and finally clear away. Then the ward maids had their own tea. Then the same routine for supper.
Nell soon got the hang of things. The salient points of the new life were: one, war with the kitchen; two, the difficulty of providing the Sisters with the right kind of tea.
There was a long table where the V.A.D. nurses sat, pouring down in a stream, frantically hungry, and always the food seemed to fail before the last three were seated. You then applied to the kitchen through a tube and got a biting rejoinder. The right amount of bread and butter had been sent up, three pieces for each. Somebody must have eaten more than their share. Loud disclaimers from the V.A.D.тАЩs. They chatted to each other amiably and freely, addressing each other by their surnames.
тАЬI didnтАЩt eat your slice of bread, Jones. I wouldnтАЩt do such a mean thing!тАЭ тАЬThey always send it up wrong.тАЭ тАЬLook here, CatfordтАЩs got to have something to eat. SheтАЩs got an op in half an hour.тАЭ тАЬHurry up, Bulgy [an affectionate nickname, this]. WeтАЩve got all those mackintoshes to scrub.тАЭ
Very different the behaviour at the SistersтАЩ table at the other side of the room. Conversation there went on genteelly in frosty whispers. Before each Sister was a small brown pot of tea. It was NellтАЩs business to know exactly how strong each Sister liked it. It was never a question of how weak! To bring тАЬwashyтАЭ tea to a Sister was to fall from grace forever.
The whispers went on incessantly.
тАЬI said to her: тАШNaturally the surgical cases receive the first attention.тАЩтАКтАЭ тАЬI only passed the remark, so to speak.тАЭ тАЬPushing herself forward. Always the same thing.тАЭ тАЬWould you believe it, she forgot to hold the towel for the doctorтАЩs hands.тАЭ тАЬI said to Doctor this morningтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ тАЬI passed the remark to NurseтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
Again and again that one phrase recurred. тАЬI passed the remark.тАЭ Nell grew to listen for it. When she approached the table, the whispers became lower and the Sisters looked at her suspiciously. Their conversation was secretive and shrouded in dignity. With enormous formality, they offered each other tea.
тАЬSome of mine, Sister Westhaven? ThereтАЩs plenty in the pot.тАЭ тАЬWould you oblige me with the sugar, Sister Carr?тАЭ тАЬPardon me.тАЭ
Nell had just begun to realize the hospital atmosphere, the feuds, the jealousies, the cabals, and the hundred and one undercurrents, when she was promoted to the ward, one of the nurses having gone sick.
She had a row of twelve beds to attend to, mostly surgical cases. Her companion was Gladys Potts, a small giggling creature, intelligent but lazy. The ward was under the charge of Sister Westhaven, a tall thin acid woman with a look of permanent disapproval. NellтАЩs heart sank when she saw her, but later she congratulated herself. Sister Westhaven was far the pleasantest nurse in the hospital to work under.
There were five Sisters in all. Sister Carr, round and good-tempered looking. The men liked her and she giggled and joked with them a good deal, and was then late over her dressings and hurried over them. She called the V.A.D.тАЩs тАЬdear,тАЭ and patted them affectionately but her temper was uncertain. She herself was so unpunctual that everything went wrong and the тАЬdearтАЭ was blamed for it. She was maddening to work under.
Sister Barnes was impossible. Everyone said so. She ranted and scolded from morning to night. She hated V.A.D.тАЩs and let them know it. тАЬIтАЩll teach them to come here thinking they know everything,тАЭ was her constant declaration. Apart from her biting sarcasm, she was a good nurse, and some of the girls liked working under her in spite of her lashing tongue.
Sister Dunlop was a dugout. She was kindly and placid, but thoroughly lazy. She drank a great deal of tea and did as little work as possible.
Sister Norris was Theatre Sister. She was competent at her job, rouged her lips and was cattish to her underlings.
Sister Westhaven was by far the best nurse in the hospital. She was enthusiastic over work and was a good judge of those under her. If they showed promise she was reasonably amiable to them. If she judged them fools they led a miserable life.
On the fourth day, she said to Nell: тАЬI thought you werenтАЩt worth much at first, Nurse. But youтАЩve got a good lot of work in you.тАЭ
So much imbued by now was Nell by the hospital spirit that she went home in the seventh heaven.
Little by little she sank into the hospital rut. At first she had suffered a heartrending pang at the sight of the wounded. The first dressing of wounds at which she assisted was almost more than she could bear. Those who тАЬlonged to nurseтАЭ usually brought a certain amount of emotionalism to the task. But they were soon purged of it. Blood, wounds, suffering were everyday matters.
Nell was popular with the men. In the slack hour after tea she wrote letters for them, fetched books she thought they would like from the shelves at the end of the ward, heard stories of their families and sweethearts. She became, in common with the other nurses, zealous to defend them from the cruelties and stupidities of the would-be kind.
On visitorsтАЩ days streams of elderly ladies arrived. They sat down by beds and did their best to тАЬcheer our brave soldier.тАЭ Certain things were conventions. тАЬYouтАЩre longing to get back, I suppose?тАЭ And тАЬYes, maтАЩam,тАЭ was always the answer given. Descriptions were sought of the Angels at Mons.
There were also concerts. Some were well organized and were thoroughly enjoyed. OthersтБатАФ! They were summed up by the nurse on the next row to Nell, Phillis Deacon:
тАЬAnybody who thinks they can sing, but has never been allowed to by their families, has got their chance now!тАЭ
There were also clergymen. Never, Nell thought, had she seen so many clergymen. One or two were appreciated. They were fine men, with sympathy and understanding, and they knew the right things to say and did not stress the religious side of their duties unduly. But there were many others.
тАЬNurse.тАЭ
Nell paused in a hurried progress along the ward, having just been told sharply by Sister: тАЬNurse, your beds are crooked. No.┬а7тАЩs sticking out.тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
тАЬCouldnтАЩt you wash me now, Nurse?тАЭ
Nell stared at the unusual request.
тАЬItтАЩs not nearly half-past seven.тАЭ
тАЬItтАЩs the parson. HeтАЩs at me to be confirmed. HeтАЩs coming in now.тАЭ
Nell took pity on him. The Reverend Canon Edgerton found his prospective convert barred from him by screens and basins of water.
тАЬThank yer, Nurse,тАЭ said the patient hoarsely. тАЬIt seems a bit hard to go on nagging at a feller when he canтАЩt get away from yer, doesnтАЩt it?тАЭ
WashingтБатАФinterminable washing. The patients were washed, the ward was washed, and at every hour of the day there were mackintoshes to scrub.
And eternal tidiness.
тАЬNurseтБатАФyour beds. The bedclothes are hanging down on No.┬а9. No.┬а2 has pushed his bed sideways. What will Doctor think?тАЭ
DoctorтБатАФDoctorтБатАФDoctor. Morning, noon, and night, Doctor! Doctor was a god. For a mere V.A.D. to speak to Doctor was l├иse-majest├й and brought down the vials of wrath on your head from Sister. Some of the V.A.D.тАЩs offended innocently. They were Wiltsbury girls and they knew the doctorsтБатАФknew them as ordinary human beings. They said good morning blithely. Soon they knew betterтБатАФknew they had been guilty of that awful sin, тАЬpushing yourself forward.тАЭ Mary Cardner тАЬpushed herself forward.тАЭ Doctor asked for some scissors and unthinkingly, she handed him the pair she wore. Sister explained her crime to her at length. She ended thus:
тАЬI donтАЩt say you mightnтАЩt have done this. Seeing you had the exact thing that was wanted, you might have said to meтБатАФin a whisper, that isтБатАФтАШIs this what is needed, Sister?тАЩ And I would have taken them from you and handed them to Doctor. No one could have objected to that.тАЭ
You got tired of the word тАЬDoctor.тАЭ Every remark Sister made was punctuated with it, even when speaking to him.
тАЬYes, DoctorтБатАКтБатАж 102 this morning, Doctor.тБатАКтБатАж I donтАЩt think so, Doctor.тБатАКтБатАж Pardon, Doctor? I didnтАЩt quite catch.тБатАКтБатАж Nurse, hold the towel for DoctorтАЩs hands.тАЭ
And you held the towel meekly, standing like a glorified towel horse. And Doctor, having wiped his sacred hands, flung the towel on the floor where you meekly picked it up. You poured water for Doctor, you handed soap to Doctor, and finally you received the command:
тАЬNurse, open the door for Doctor.тАЭ
тАЬAnd what IтАЩm afraid is, we shanтАЩt be able to grow out of it afterwards,тАЭ said Phillis Deacon wrathfully. тАЬI shall never feel the same about doctors again. Even the scrubbiest little doctors I shall be subservient to, and when they come to dine I shall find myself rushing to open the door for them. I know I shall.тАЭ
There was a great freemasonry in the hospital. Class distinctions were a thing of the past. The deanтАЩs daughter, the butcherтАЩs daughter, Mrs.┬аManfred who was the wife of a draperтАЩs assistant, Phillis Deacon who was the daughter of a baronetтБатАФthey all called each other by their surnames and shared the common interest of тАЬWhat would there be for supper, and would it go round?тАЭ Undoubtedly there was cheating. Gladys Potts, the giggler, was discovered to go down early and surreptitiously to filch an extra piece of bread and butter or an unfair helping of rice.
тАЬYou know,тАЭ said Phillis Deacon, тАЬI do sympathize with servants now. One always thinks they mind so much about their foodтБатАФand here are we getting just the same. ItтАЩs having nothing else to look forward to. I could have cried when the scrambled eggs didnтАЩt go round last night.тАЭ
тАЬThey oughtnтАЩt to have scrambled eggs,тАЭ said Mary Cardner angrily. тАЬThe eggs ought to be separate, poached or boiled. Scrambled gives too much opportunity to unscrupulous people.тАЭ
And she looked with significance at Gladys Potts, who giggled nervously and moved away.
тАЬThat girlтАЩs a slacker,тАЭ said Phillis Deacon. тАЬSheтАЩs always got something else to do when itтАЩs screens. And she sucks up to Sister. It doesnтАЩt matter with Westhaven. WesthavenтАЩs fair. But she flattered little Carr till she got all the soft jobs.тАЭ
Little Potts was unpopular. Strenuous efforts were made to force her to do the more disagreeable work sometimes, but Potts was wily. Only the resourceful Deacon was a match for her.
There were also the jealousies amongst the doctors themselves. Naturally they all wanted the more interesting surgical cases. The allotting of cases to different wards gave rise to feeling.
Nell soon knew all the doctors and their various attributes. There was Dr.┬аLang, tall, untidy, slouching, with long nervous fingers. He was the cleverest surgeon of the lot. He had a sarcastic tongue, and was ruthless in his treatments but he was clever. All the Sisters adored him.
Then there was Dr.┬аWilbraham who had the fashionable practice of Wiltsbury. A big florid man, genial in temper when things went well, and the manners of a spoilt child when he was put out. If he was tired and cross he was unnecessarily rough and Nell hated him.
There was Dr.┬аMeadows, a quiet efficient G.P. He was content not to do operations and he gave every case unfailing attention. He always spoke politely to the V.A.D.тАЩs and omitted to throw towels on the floor.
Then there was Dr.┬аBury who was not supposed to be much good and who was himself convinced that he knew everything. He was always wishing to try extraordinary new methods and he never continued one treatment for more than a couple of days. If one of his patients died, it was the fashion to say: тАЬDo you wonder, with Dr.┬аBury?тАЭ
Then there was young Dr.┬аKeen, who had been invalided home from the front. He was little more than a medical student, but he was full of importance. He even demeaned himself to chat with the V.A.D.тАЩs, explaining the importance of an operation that had just taken place. Nell said to Sister Westhaven: тАЬI didnтАЩt know Dr.┬аKeen was operating. I thought it was Dr.┬аLang.тАЭ Sister replied grimly: тАЬDr.┬аKeen held the leg. ThatтАЩs all.тАЭ
Operations had been a nightmare to Nell at first. At the first one she attended, the floor rose at her, and a nurse led her out. She hardly dared to face Sister, but Sister was unexpectedly kind.
тАЬItтАЩs partly the lack of air and the smell of the ether, Nurse,тАЭ she said kindly. тАЬGo into a short one next. YouтАЩll get used to it.тАЭ
Next time Nell felt faint, but did not have to go out, the time after she felt sick only, and the time after that she didnтАЩt feel sick at all.
Once or twice she was lent to help the theatre nurse clear up the operating theatre after an unusually big op. The place was like a shambles, blood everywhere. The theatre nurse was only eighteen, a determined slip of a thing. She owned to Nell that she had hated it at first.
тАЬThe very first op was a leg,тАЭ she said. тАЬAmputation. And Sister went off afterwards and left me to clear up, and I had to take the leg down to the furnace myself. It was awful.тАЭ
On her days out Nell went to tea with friends. Some of them were kindly old ladies and sentimentalized over her and told her she was splendid.
тАЬYou donтАЩt work on Sundays, do you, dear? Really? Oh! but that isnтАЩt right. Sunday should be a day of rest.тАЭ
Nell pointed out gently that the soldiers had to be washed and fed on Sundays just as much as any other day, and the old ladies admitted this but seemed to think that the matter should have been better organized. They were also very distressed at NellтАЩs having to walk home alone at midnight.
Others were even more difficult.
тАЬI hear these hospital nurses give themselves great airs, ordering everyone about. I shouldnтАЩt stand that kind of thing myself. I am willing to do anything I can to help in this dreadful war, but impertinence I will not stand. I told Mrs.┬аCurtis so, and she agreed it would be better for me not to do hospital work.тАЭ
To these ladies Nell made no reply at all.
The rumour of тАЬthe RussiansтАЭ was sweeping through England at this time. Everyone had seen themтБатАФor if not actually seen them, their cookтАЩs second cousin had, which was practically the same thing. The rumour died hardтБатАФit was so pleasing and so exciting.
A very old lady who came to the hospital took Nell aside.
тАЬMy dear,тАЭ she said, тАЬdonтАЩt believe that story. ItтАЩs true, but not in the way we think.тАЭ
Nell looked inquiringly at her.
тАЬEggs!тАЭ said the old lady in a poignant whisper. тАЬRussian eggs! Several millions of themтБатАФto keep us from starving.тАЭ
Nell wrote all these things to Vernon. She felt terribly cut off from him. His letters were naturally terse and constrained and he seemed to dislike the idea of her working in hospital. He urged her again and again to go to LondonтБатАФenjoy herselfтБатАКтБатАж
How queer men were, Nell thought. They didnтАЩt seem to understand. She would hate to be one of the тАЬkeeping themselves bright for the boysтАЭ brigade. How soon you drifted apart when you were doing different things! She couldnтАЩt share VernonтАЩs life and he couldnтАЩt share hers.
The first agony of parting, when she had felt sure he would be killed, was over. She had fallen into the routine of wives. Four months had passed and he hadnтАЩt been even wounded. He wouldnтАЩt be. Everything was all right.
Five months after he had gone out he wired that he had got leave. NellтАЩs heart almost stopped beating. She was so excited! She went off to Matron and was granted leave of absence.
She travelled to London feeling strange and unusual in ordinary clothes. Their first leave!
II
It was trueтБатАФreally true! The leave train came in and disgorged its multitudes. She saw him. He was actually there. They met. Neither could speak. He squeezed her hand frantically. She knew then how afraid she had been.тБатАКтБатАж
That five days went by in a flash. It was like some queer delirious dream. She adored Vernon and he adored her, but they were in some ways like strangers to each other. He was offhand when she spoke about France. It was all rightтБатАФeverything was all right. One made jokes about it and refused to treat it seriously. тАЬFor goodnessтАЩ sake, Nell, donтАЩt sentimentalize. ItтАЩs awful to come home and find everyone with long faces. And donтАЩt talk slush about our brave soldiers laying down their lives, etc. That sort of stuff makes me sick. LetтАЩs get tickets for another show.тАЭ
Something in his absolute callousness perturbed herтБатАФit seemed somehow rather dreadful to treat everything so lightly. When he asked her what she had been doing, she could only give him hospital news, and that he didnтАЩt like. He begged her again to give it up.
тАЬItтАЩs a filthy job, nursing. I hate to think of your doing it.тАЭ
She felt chilled, rebuffed, then rebuked herself. They were together again. What did anything else matter?
They had a wild delightful time. They went to a show and danced every night. In the daytime they went shopping. Vernon bought her everything that took his fancy. They went to a Paris firm of dressmakers and sat there whilst airy young duchesses floated past in wisps of chiffon and Vernon chose the most expensive model. They felt horribly wicked but dreadfully happy when Nell wore it that night.
Then Nell told him he ought to go and see his mother. Vernon rebelled.
тАЬOh! darling, I donтАЩt want to! Our little short precious time. I canтАЩt miss a minute of it.тАЭ
Nell pleaded. Myra would be terribly hurt and disappointed.
тАЬWell, then, youтАЩve got to come with me.тАЭ
тАЬNo, that wouldnтАЩt do at all.тАЭ
In the end, he went down to Birmingham for a flying visit. His mother made a tremendous fuss over himтБатАФgreeted him with floods of what she called тАЬglad proud tears,тАЭ and trotted him round to see the Bents. Vernon came back seething with conscious virtue.
тАЬYou are a hard-hearted devil, Nell. WeтАЩve missed a whole day! God, how IтАЩve been slobbered over.тАЭ
He felt ashamed as soon as he had said it. Why couldnтАЩt he love his mother better? Why did she always manage to rub him up the wrong way, no matter how good his resolutions were? He gave Nell a hug.
тАЬI didnтАЩt mean it. IтАЩm glad you made me go. YouтАЩre so sweet, Nell. You never think of yourself. ItтАЩs so wonderful being with you again. You donтАЩt knowтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
And she put on the French model gown and they went out to dine with a ridiculous feeling of having been model children and deserving a reward.
They had nearly finished dinner when Nell saw VernonтАЩs face change. It stiffened and grew anxious.
тАЬWhat is it?тАЭ
тАЬNothing,тАЭ he said hastily.
But she turned and looked behind her. At a small table against the wall was Jane.
Something cold seemed for a moment to rest on NellтАЩs heart. Then she said easily:
тАЬWhy, itтАЩs Jane. LetтАЩs go and speak to her.тАЭ
тАЬNo, IтАЩd rather not.тАЭ She was a little surprised by the vehemence of his tone. He saw that and went on: тАЬIтАЩm stupid, darling. I want to have you and nothing but youтБатАФnot other people butting in. Have you finished? LetтАЩs go. I donтАЩt want to miss the beginning of the play.тАЭ
They paid the bill and went. Jane nodded to them carelessly and Nell waved her hand to her. They arrived at the theatre ten minutes early.
Later, as Nell was slipping the gown from her white shoulders, Vernon said suddenly:
тАЬNell, do you think I shall ever write music again?тАЭ
тАЬOf course. Why not?тАЭ
тАЬOh! I donтАЩt know. I donтАЩt think I want to.тАЭ
She looked at him in surprise. He was sitting on a chair, frowning into space.
тАЬI thought it was the only thing you cared about.тАЭ
тАЬCared aboutтБатАФcared aboutтБатАФthat doesnтАЩt express it in the least. It isnтАЩt the things you care about that matter. ItтАЩs the things you canтАЩt get rid ofтБатАФthe things that wonтАЩt let you goтБатАФthat haunt youтБатАФlike a face that you canтАЩt help seeing even when you donтАЩt want to.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
тАЬDarling VernonтБатАФdonтАЩt.тАЭ
She came and knelt down beside him. He clutched her to him convulsively.
тАЬNellтБатАФdarling NellтБатАФnothing matters but you. Kiss me.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
But he reverted presently to the topic. He said irrelevantly: тАЬGuns make a pattern, you know. A musical pattern, I mean. Not the sound one hears. I mean the pattern the sound makes in space. I suppose thatтАЩs nonsenseтБатАФbut I know what I mean.тАЭ
And again a minute or two later: тАЬIf one could only get hold of it properly.тАЭ
Ever so slightly, she moved her body away from him. It was as though she challenged her rival. She never admitted it openly, but secretly she feared VernonтАЩs music. If only he didnтАЩt care so much.
And tonight, at any rate, she was triumphant. He drew her back holding her close, showering kisses on her.
But long after Nell was asleep Vernon lay staring into the darkness, seeing against his will JaneтАЩs face and the outline of her body in its dull green satin sheath as he had seen it against the crimson curtain at the restaurant.
He said to himself very softly under his breath:
тАЬDamn Jane.тАЭ
But he knew that you couldnтАЩt get rid of Jane as easily as that.
He wished he hadnтАЩt seen her.
There was something so damnably disturbing about Jane.
He forgot her the next day. It was their last, and it went terribly quickly.
All too soon, it was over.
III
It had been like a dream. Now the dream was over. Nell was back at the hospital. It seemed to her she had never been away. She waited desperately for the postтБатАФfor VernonтАЩs first letter. It cameтБатАФmore ardent and unrestrained than usual, as though even censorship had been forgotten. Nell wore it against her heart and the indelible pencil came off on her skin. She wrote and told him so.
Life went on as usual. Dr.┬аLang went out to the front and was replaced by an elderly doctor with a beard who said, тАЬThank ye, thank ye, Sister,тАЭ every time he was offered a towel or was helped on with his white linen coat. They had a slack time with most of the beds empty and Nell found the enforced idleness trying.
One day, to her surprise and delight, Sebastian walked in. He was home on leave and had come down to look her up. Vernon had asked him to.
тАЬYouтАЩve seen him then?тАЭ
Sebastian said yes, his lot had taken over from Vernon.
тАЬAnd heтАЩs all right?тАЭ
тАЬOh! yes, heтАЩs all right!тАЭ
Something in the way he said it caused her alarm. She pressed him. Sebastian frowned in perplexity.
тАЬItтАЩs difficult to explain, Nell. You see, VernonтАЩs an odd beggarтБатАФalways has been. He doesnтАЩt like looking things in the face.тАЭ
He quelled the fierce retort that he saw rising to her lips.
тАЬI donтАЩt mean in the least what you think I mean. He isnтАЩt afraid. Lucky devil, I donтАЩt think he knows what fear is. I wish I didnтАЩt. No, itтАЩs different from that. ItтАЩs the whole lifeтБатАФitтАЩs pretty ghastly, you know. Dirt and blood and filth, and noiseтБатАФabove all, noise! Recurrent noise at fixed times. It gets on my nerves, so what must it do to VernonтАЩs?тАЭ
тАЬYes, but what did you mean by not facing things?тАЭ
тАЬSimply that he wonтАЩt admit that thereтАЩs anything to face. HeтАЩs afraid of minding, so he says thereтАЩs nothing to mind. If heтАЩd only admit that itтАЩs a bloody filthy business like I do heтАЩd be all right. But itтАЩs like that old piano businessтБатАФhe wonтАЩt look at the thing fair and square. And itтАЩs no good saying тАШthere ainтАЩt no such thingтАЩ when there is. But thatтАЩs always been VernonтАЩs way. HeтАЩs in good spiritsтБатАФenjoying everythingтБатАФand it isnтАЩt natural. IтАЩm afraid of hisтБатАФOh! I donтАЩt know what IтАЩm afraid of. But I know that telling yourself fairy stories is about the worst thing you can do. VernonтАЩs a musician, and heтАЩs got the nerves of a musician. The worst of him is that he doesnтАЩt know anything about himself. He never has.тАЭ
Nell looked troubled.
тАЬSebastian, what do you think will happen?тАЭ
тАЬOh, nothing, probably. What I should like to happen would be for Vernon to stop one, in as conveniently painless a place as possible, and come back to be nursed for a bit.тАЭ
тАЬHow I wish that would happen!тАЭ
тАЬPoor old Nell! ItтАЩs rotten for all you people. IтАЩm glad I havenтАЩt got a wife.тАЭ
тАЬIf you hadтБатАФтАЭ Nell paused, then went on. тАЬWould you want her to work in a hospital or would you rather she did nothing?тАЭ
тАЬEverybody will be working sooner or later. ItтАЩs as well to get down to it as soon as possible, I should say.тАЭ
тАЬVernon doesnтАЩt like my doing this.тАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩs his ostrich act again, plus the reactionary spirit that heтАЩs inherited and will never quite outgrow. Sooner or later heтАЩll face the fact that women are workingтБатАФbut he wonтАЩt admit it till the last minute.тАЭ
Nell sighed.
тАЬHow worrying everything is.тАЭ
тАЬI know. And IтАЩve made things worse for you. But IтАЩm awfully fond of Vernon. HeтАЩs the one friend I care about. And I hoped if I told you what I thought youтАЩd encourage him toтБатАФwell, give way a littleтБатАФat any rate to you. But perhaps to you he does let himself go?тАЭ
Nell shook her head.
тАЬHe wonтАЩt do anything but joke about the war.тАЭ
Sebastian whistled.
тАЬWell, next timeтБатАФget it out of him. Stick to it.тАЭ
Nell said suddenly and sharply: тАЬDo you think heтАЩd talk betterтБатАФto Jane?тАЭ
тАЬTo Jane?тАЭ Sebastian looked rather embarrassed. тАЬI donтАЩt know. Perhaps. It all depends.тАЭ
тАЬYou do think so! Why? Tell me why? Is she more sympathetic, or what?тАЭ
тАЬOh! Lord, no. JaneтАЩs not exactly sympathetic. Provocative is more the word. You get annoyed with herтБатАФand out pops the truth. She makes you aware of yourself in ways you donтАЩt want to be. ThereтАЩs nobody like Jane for pulling you off your high horse.тАЭ
тАЬYou think sheтАЩs a lot of influence over Vernon?тАЭ
тАЬOh! I wouldnтАЩt say that. And anyhow, it wouldnтАЩt matter if she had. SheтАЩs doing relief work in Serbia. Sailed a fortnight ago.тАЭ
тАЬOh!тАЭ said Nell. She drew a deep breath and smiled.
Somehow, she felt happier.
IV
Darling Nell:
Do you know I dream of you every night? Usually youтАЩre nice to me, but sometimes youтАЩre a little beast. Cold and hard and far away. You couldnтАЩt be that really, could you? Not now. Darling, will the indelible pencil ever come off?
Nell, sweetheart, I never believe IтАЩm going to be killed, but if I were, what would it matter? WeтАЩve had so much. YouтАЩd think of me always as happy and loving you, wouldnтАЩt you, sweetheart? I know IтАЩd go on loving you after I was dead. ThatтАЩs the only bit of me that couldnтАЩt die. I love youтБатАФlove youтБатАФlove you.тБатАКтБатАж
He had never written to her quite like that before. She put the letter in its usual place.
That day she was absentminded at the hospital. She forgot things. The men noticed it.
тАЬNurse is daydreaming,тАЭ they teased her, making little jokes. And she laughed back.
It was so wonderful, so very wonderful, to be loved. Sister Westhaven was in a temper. Nurse Potts slacked more than usual. But it didnтАЩt matter. Nothing mattered.
Even the monumental Sister Jenkins, who came on night duty and was always full of pessimism, failed to impress her with any kind of gloom.
тАЬAh!тАЭ Sister Jenkins would say, settling her cuffs and moving three double chins round inside her collar in an effort to alleviate their mass. тАЬNo.┬а3 still alive? You surprise me. I didnтАЩt think heтАЩd last through the day. Well, heтАЩll be gone tomorrow, poor young chap. [Sister Jenkins was always prophesying that patients would be gone tomorrow and the failure of her prognostications to come true never seemed to induce in her a more hopeful attitude.] I donтАЩt like the look of No.┬а18тБатАФthat last operation was worse than useless. No.┬а8 is going to take a turn for the worse unless IтАЩm much mistaken. I said so to Doctor, but he didnтАЩt listen to me. Now then, Nurse [with sudden acerbity], no need for you to hang about. Off duty is off duty.тАЭ
Nell accepted this gracious permission to depart, well aware that if she had not lingered Sister Jenkins would have asked her тАЬwhat she meant by hurrying away like that?тБатАФnot even willing to wait a minute over time?тАЭ
It took twenty minutes to walk home. The night was a clear starry one and Nell enjoyed the walk. If only Vernon could have been walking beside her!
She let herself into the house very quietly with her latchkey. Her landlady always went to bed early. On the tray in the hall was an orange-coloured envelope.
She knew then.
Telling herself that it wasnтАЩtтБатАФthat it couldnтАЩt beтБатАФthat he was only woundedтБатАФsurely he was only woundedтБатАКтБатАж yet she knewтБатАКтБатАж
A sentence from the letter she had received that morning leapt out at her: Nell, sweetheart, I never believe I am going to be killed, but if I were what would it matter? WeтАЩve had so much.тБатАКтБатАж
He had never written like that before. He must have feltтБатАФhave known. Sensitive people did know sometimes beforehand.
She stood there, holding the telegram. VernonтБатАФher lover, her husbandтБатАКтБатАж She stood there a long time.
Then at last she opened the telegram, which informed her with deep regret that Lieutenant Vernon Deyre had been Killed in Action.