V
I
тАЬThen you canтАЩt love me!тАЭ
тАЬOh! but Vernon, I do. If youтАЩd only try and understand.тАЭ
They faced each other desperately, bewildered by this sudden rift between themтБатАФby the queer unexpected vagaries of life. One minute they had been so near that each thought even had seemed to be shared by the otherтБатАФnow they were poles apart, angry and hurt by the otherтАЩs lack of comprehension.
Nell turned away with a little gesture of despair and sank down on a chair.
Why was it all like this? Why couldnтАЩt things stay as they ought to be, as you had felt they were going to be forever? That evening at RanelaghтБатАФand the night afterwards when she had lain awake, wrapped in a happy dream. Enough that night just to know that she was loved. Why, even her motherтАЩs scathing words had failed to upset her. They had come from so far away. They couldnтАЩt penetrate that shining web of misty dream.
She had woken up happy the next morning. Her mother had been pleasant, had said nothing more. Wrapped in her secret thoughts Nell had gone through the day doing all the usual things: chattering with friends, walking in the park, lunching, teaing, dancing. Nobody, she was sure, could have noticed anything different, and yet all the time she herself was conscious of that one deep strand underneath everything else. Just for a minute, sometimes, she would lose the thread of what she was saying, she would remember.тБатАКтБатАж тАЬOh! Nell, I do love you soтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ The moonlight on the dark water. His hand in hers.тБатАКтБатАж A little shiver and she would recall herself hastily, chatter, laugh. Oh, how happy one could beтБатАФhow happy she had been.
Then she had wondered if, perhaps, he would write. She watched for the post, her heart giving little throbs whenever the postman knocked. It came the second day. She hid it beneath a pile of others, kept it till she went up to bed, then opened it with a beating heart.
Oh, NellтБатАФoh, darling Nell! Did you really mean it? IтАЩve written three letters to you and torn them up. IтАЩm so afraid of saying something that might make you angry. Because perhaps you didnтАЩt mean it after all. But you did, didnтАЩt you? You are so lovely, Nell, and I do love you so dreadfully. IтАЩm always thinking about you, the whole time. I make awful mistakes at the office just because IтАЩm thinking about you. But oh, Nell, I will work so hard! I want so dreadfully to see you. When can I come up to town? I must see you. Darling, darling Nell, I want to say such lots and lots of things, and I canтАЩt in a letter, and, anyway, perhaps IтАЩm boring you. Write and tell me when I can see you. Very soon, please. I shall go mad if I canтАЩt see you very soon.
She read it again and again, put it under her pillow when she slept, read it again the next morning. She was so happy, so dreadfully happy. It was not till the day after that she wrote to him. When the pen was in her hand she felt stiff and awkward. She didnтАЩt know what to say.
Dear Vernon.
Was that silly? Ought she to say Dearest Vernon? Oh, no, she couldnтАЩtтБатАФshe couldnтАЩt.
Dear Vernon. Thank you for your letter.
A long pause. She bit the stem of her penholder and gazed in an agonized way at the wall in front of her.
A party of us are going to the HowardsтАЩ dance on Friday. Will you dine here first and come with us? Eight oтАЩclock.
A longer pause. SheтАЩd got to say somethingтБатАФshe wanted to say something. She bent over, and wrote hastily.
I want to see you tooтБатАФvery much. Yours, Nell.
He wrote back:
Dear Nell, IтАЩd love to come on Friday. Thanks ever so much.
A little panic swept over her when she read it. Had she offended him? Did he think she ought to have said more in her letter? Happiness fled. She lay awake, miserable, uncertain, hating herself in case it had been her fault.
Then had come Friday night. The moment she saw him she knew it was all right. Their eyes met across the room. The world changed back to radiant happiness again.
They did not sit near each other at dinner. It was not till the third dance at the HowardsтАЩ that they were able really to speak to each other. They moved round the crowded room, gyrating in a deep-toned, sentimental waltz. He whispered:
тАЬI havenтАЩt asked for too many dances, have I?тАЭ
тАЬNo.тАЭ
Queer how absolutely tongue-tied it made her feel being with Vernon. He held her just a minute longer when the music stopped. His fingers tightened over hers. She looked at him and smiled. They were both deliriously happy. In a few minutes he was dancing with another girl, talking airily in her ear. Nell was dancing with George Chetwynd. Once or twice her eyes met VernonтАЩs and they both smiled very faintly. Their secret was so wonderful.
At his next dance with her, his mood had changed.
тАЬNell, darling, isnтАЩt there anywhere where I can talk to you? IтАЩve got such heaps of things I want to say. What a ridiculous house this isтБатАФnowhere to go.тАЭ
They tried the stairs, mounting higher and higher as you do in London houses. Still, it seemed impossible to get away from people. Then they saw a tiny iron ladder that led to the roof.
тАЬNell, letтАЩs get up there? Could you? Would it ruin your dress?тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt care about my dress.тАЭ
Vernon went up first, unbolted the trapdoor, climbed out and knelt down to help Nell. She climbed through safely.
They were alone, looking down on London. Insensibly they drew nearer to each other. Her hand found its way into his.
тАЬNellтБатАФdarlingтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
тАЬVernonтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
Her voice could only whisper.
тАЬIt is true? You do love me?тАЭ
тАЬI do love you.тАЭ
тАЬItтАЩs too wonderful to be true. Oh, Nell, I do so want to kiss you.тАЭ
She turned her face to his. They kissed, rather shakily and timidly.
тАЬYour face is so soft and lovely,тАЭ murmured Vernon.
Oblivious of dirt and smuts they sat down on a little ledge. His arms went round her, held her. She turned her face to his kisses.
тАЬI do love you so, NellтБатАФI love you so much that IтАЩm almost afraid to touch you.тАЭ
She didnтАЩt understand thatтБатАФit seemed queer. She drew a little closer to him. The magic of the night was made complete by their kisses.тБатАКтБатАж
II
They woke from a happy dream. тАЬOh! Vernon, I believe weтАЩve been here ages!тАЭ
Conscience-stricken they hurried to the trapdoor. On the landing below, Vernon surveyed Nell anxiously.
тАЬIтАЩm afraid youтАЩve been sitting on an awful lot of smuts, Nell.тАЭ
тАЬOh, have I? How awful.тАЭ
тАЬItтАЩs my fault, darling. But, oh, Nell! it was worth it, wasnтАЩt it?тАЭ
She smiled up at him, gently, happily.
тАЬIt was worth it,тАЭ she said softly.
As they went down the stairs she said with a little laugh:
тАЬWhat about all the things you wanted to say? Lots and lots of them.тАЭ
They both laughed in perfect understanding. They reentered the dancing room rather sheepishly. They had missed six dances.
A lovely evening. Nell had gone to sleep and dreamed of more kisses.
And then, this morning, Saturday morning, Vernon had rung up.
тАЬI want to talk to you. Can I come round?тАЭ
тАЬOh! Vernon, dear, you canтАЩt. IтАЩm going out now to meet people. I canтАЩt get out of it.тАЭ
тАЬWhy not?тАЭ
тАЬI mean I wouldnтАЩt know what to say to Mother.тАЭ
тАЬYou havenтАЩt told her anything?тАЭ
тАЬOh, no!тАЭ
The vehemence of that тАЬOh, no!тАЭ had checked Vernon. He thought: тАЬPoor little darling. Of course she hasnтАЩt.тАЭ He said: тАЬHadnтАЩt I better do that? IтАЩll come round now.тАЭ
тАЬOh! no, Vernon, not until weтАЩve talked.тАЭ
тАЬWell, when can we talk?тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt know. IтАЩm lunching with people and going to a matin├йe and to the theatre again tonight. If youтАЩd only told me you were going to be up this weekend IтАЩd have arranged something.тАЭ
тАЬWhat about tomorrow?тАЭ
тАЬWell, thereтАЩs churchтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩll do! DonтАЩt go to church. Say youтАЩve got a headache or something. IтАЩll come round. We can talk then, and when your mother comes back from church I can have it out with her.тАЭ
тАЬOh! Vernon, I donтАЩt think I canтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬYes, you can. IтАЩm going to ring off now before you can make any more excuses. At eleven tomorrow.тАЭ
He rang off. He hadnтАЩt even told Nell where he was staying. She admired him for this masculine decision even while it caused her anxiety. She was afraid he was going to spoil everything.
And now, here they were, in the middle of a heated discussion. Nell had begged him to say nothing to her mother.
тАЬIt will spoil everything. We shanтАЩt be allowed to.тАЭ
тАЬShanтАЩt be allowed to what?тАЭ
тАЬSee each other or anything.тАЭ
тАЬBut Nell darling, I want to marry you. And you want to marry me, donтАЩt you? I want to marry you awfully soon.тАЭ
She had her first feeling of exasperation then. CouldnтАЩt he see things as they were? He was talking like a mere boy.
тАЬBut, Vernon, we havenтАЩt any money.тАЭ
тАЬI know. But IтАЩm going to work awfully hard. You wonтАЩt mind being poor, will you, Nell?тАЭ
She said no since it was expected of her, but she was conscious that she did not say it wholeheartedly. It was dreadful being poor. Vernon didnтАЩt know how dreadful it was. She suddenly felt years and years older and more experienced than he. He was talking like a romantic boyтБатАФhe didnтАЩt know what things were really like.
тАЬOh, Vernon, canтАЩt we just go on as we are? WeтАЩre so happy now.тАЭ
тАЬOf course weтАЩre happyтБатАФbut we could be happier still. I want to be really engaged to youтБатАФI want everyone to know that you belong to me.тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt see that that makes any difference.тАЭ
тАЬI suppose it doesnтАЩt. But I want to have a right to see you, instead of being miserable about you going round with chaps like that ass, Dacre.тАЭ
тАЬOh! Vernon, youтАЩre not jealous?тАЭ
тАЬI know I oughtnтАЩt to be. But you donтАЩt really know how lovely you are, Nell! Everyone must be in love with you. I believe even that solemn old American fellow is.тАЭ
Nell changed colour slightly.
тАЬWell, I think youтАЩll spoil everything,тАЭ she murmured.
тАЬYou think your mother will be horrid to you about it? IтАЩm awfully sorry. IтАЩll tell her itтАЩs all my fault. And after all, sheтАЩs got to know. I expect sheтАЩll be disappointed because she probably wanted you to marry someone rich. ThatтАЩs quite natural. But it doesnтАЩt really make you happy being rich, does it?тАЭ
Nell said suddenly in a hard, desperate little voice:
тАЬYou talk like that, but what do you know about being poor?тАЭ
Vernon was astonished.
тАЬBut I am poor.тАЭ
тАЬNo, youтАЩre not. YouтАЩve been to schools and universities and in the holidays youтАЩve lived with your mother whoтАЩs rich. You donтАЩt know anything at all about it. You donтАЩt knowтБатАФтАЭ
She stopped in despair. She wasnтАЩt clever with words. How could she paint the picture she knew so well? The shifts, the struggles, the evasions, the desperate fight to keep up appearances. The ease with which friends dropped you if you тАЬcouldnтАЩt keep up with things,тАЭ the slights, the snubsтБатАФworse, the galling patronage! In Captain VerekerтАЩs lifetime, and since his death, it had always been the same. You could, of course, live in a cottage in the country and never see anyone, never go to dances like other girls, never have pretty clothes, live within your income and rot away slowly! Either way was pretty beastly. It was so unfairтБатАФone ought to have money. And always marriage lay ahead of you clearly designated as the way of escape. No more striving and snubs and subterfuges.
You didnтАЩt think of it as marrying for money. Nell, with the boundless optimism of youth, had always pictured herself falling in love with a nice, rich man. And now she had fallen in love with Vernon Deyre. Her thoughts hadnтАЩt gone as far as marriage. She was just happyтБатАФwonderfully happy.
She almost hated Vernon for dragging her down from the clouds. And she resented his easy taking for granted of her readiness to face poverty for his sake. If heтАЩd put it differently. If heтАЩd said: тАЬI oughtnтАЩt to ask youтБатАФbut do you think you could for my sake?тАЭ Something like that.
So that she could feel that her sacrifice was being appreciated. For after all, it was a sacrifice! She didnтАЩt want to be poorтБатАФshe hated the idea of being poor. She was afraid of it. VernonтАЩs contemptuous unworldly attitude infuriated her. It was so easy not to care about money when youтАЩd never felt the lack of it. And Vernon hadnтАЩtтБатАФhe wasnтАЩt aware of the fact but, there it was. HeтАЩd lived softly and comfortably and well.
He said now in an astonished kind of way: тАЬOh! Nell, surely you wouldnтАЩt mind being poor?тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩve been poor, I tell you. I know what itтАЩs like.тАЭ
She felt years and years older than Vernon. He was a childтБатАФa baby! What did he know of the difficulties of getting credit? Of the money that she and her mother already owed? She felt suddenly terribly lonely and miserable. What was the good of men? They said wonderful things to you, they loved you, but did they ever try to understand? Vernon wasnтАЩt trying now. He was just saying condemnatory things, showing her how she had fallen in his estimation.
тАЬIf you say that you canтАЩt love me.тАЭ
She replied helplessly: тАЬYou donтАЩt understand.тАЭ
They gazed at each other hopelessly. What had happened? Why were things like this between them?
тАЬYou donтАЩt love me,тАЭ repeated Vernon angrily.
тАЬOh, Vernon, I do, I do.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
Suddenly, like an enchantment, their love swept over them again. They clung together, kissing. They felt that age-long loversтАЩ delusion that everything must come right because they loved. It was VernonтАЩs victory. He still insisted on telling Mrs.┬аVereker. Nell opposed him no longer. His arms round her, his lips on hersтБатАКтБатАж She couldnтАЩt go on arguing. Better to give oneself up to the joy of being loved, to say: тАЬYesтБатАФyes darling, if you likeтБатАКтБатАж anything you like.тАЭ
Yet, almost unknown to herself, under her love was a faint resentment.
III
Mrs.┬аVereker was a clever woman. She was taken by surprise but she did not show it, and she adopted a different line from any that Vernon had pictured her taking. She was faintly derisively amused.
тАЬSo you children think you are in love with one another? Well, well!тАЭ
She listened to Vernon with such an expression of kindly irony that despite himself his tongue flustered and tripped.
She gave a faint sigh as he subsided into silence.
тАЬWhat it is to be young! I feel quite envious. Now, my dear boy, just listen to me. IтАЩm not going to forbid the banns or do anything melodramatic. If Nell really wants to marry you she shall. I donтАЩt say I wonтАЩt be very disappointed if she does. SheтАЩs my only child. I naturally hope that she will marry someone who can give her the best of everything, and surround her with every luxury and comfort. That, I think, is only natural.тАЭ
Vernon was forced to agree. Mrs.┬аVerekerтАЩs reasonableness was extremely disconcerting, being so unexpected.
тАЬBut as I say, IтАЩm not going to forbid the banns. What I do stipulate is that Nell should be thoroughly sure that she really knows her own mind. You agree to that, IтАЩm sure?тАЭ
Vernon agreed to that with an uneasy feeling of being entangled in a mesh from which he was presently not going to be able to escape.
тАЬNell is very young. This is her first season. I want her to have every chance of being sure that she does like you better than any other man. If you agree between yourselves that you are engaged that is one thingтБатАФa public announcement of your engagement is another. I could not agree to that. Any understanding between yourselves must be kept quite secret. I think you will see that that is only fair. Nell must be given every chance to change her mind if she wants to.тАЭ
тАЬShe doesnтАЩt want to!тАЭ
тАЬThen there is certainly no reason for objecting. As a gentleman you can hardly act otherwise. If you agree to these stipulations, I will put no obstacle in the way of your seeing Nell.тАЭ
тАЬBut, Mrs.┬аVereker, I want to marry Nell quite soon.тАЭ
тАЬAnd what exactly do you propose to marry on?тАЭ
Vernon told her the salary he was getting from his uncle and explained the position in regard to Abbots Puissants.
When he had finished she spoke. She gave a brief and succinct r├йsum├й of house rent, servantsтАЩ wages, the cost of clothes, alluded delicately to possible perambulators, and then contrasted the picture with NellтАЩs present position.
Vernon was like the Queen of ShebaтБатАФno spirit was left in him. He was beaten by the relentless logic of facts. A terrible woman, NellтАЩs motherтБатАФimplacable. But he saw her point. He and Nell would have to wait. He must, as Mrs.┬аVereker said, give her every chance of changing her mind. Not that she would, bless her lovely heart!
He essayed one last venture.
тАЬMy uncle might increase my salary. He has spoken to me several times on the advantages of early marriages. He seems very keen on the subject.тАЭ
тАЬOh!тАЭ Mrs.┬аVereker was thoughtful for a minute or two. тАЬHas he any daughters of his own?тАЭ
тАЬYes, five, and the two oldest are married already.тАЭ
Mrs.┬аVereker smiled. A simple boy. He had quite misunderstood the point of her question. Still, she had found out what she wanted to know.
тАЬWeтАЩll leave it like that, then,тАЭ she said.
A clever woman!
IV
Vernon left the house in a restless mood. He wanted badly to talk to someone sympathetic. He thought of Joe, then shook his head. He and Joe had almost quarrelled about Nell. Joe despised Nell as what she called a тАЬregular empty-headed society girl.тАЭ She was unfair and prejudiced. As a passport to JoeтАЩs favour, you had to have short hair, wear art smocks, and live in Chelsea.
Sebastian, on the whole, was the best person. Sebastian was always willing to see your point of view, and he was occasionally unusually useful with his matter-of-fact commonsense point of view. A very sound fellow, Sebastian.
Rich, too. How queer things were! If only he had SebastianтАЩs money, he could probably marry Nell tomorrow. Yet, with all that money, Sebastian couldnтАЩt get hold of the girl he wanted. Rather a pity. He wished Joe would marry Sebastian instead of some rotter or other who called himself artistic.
Sebastian, alas, was not at home. Vernon was entertained by Mrs.┬аLevinne. Strangely enough, he found a kind of comfort in her bulky presence. Funny fat old Mrs.┬аLevinne with her jet and her diamonds and her greasy black hair, managed to be more understanding than his own mother.
тАЬYou mustnтАЩt be unhappy, my dear,тАЭ she said. тАЬI can see you are. ItтАЩs some girl, I suppose? Ah well, well, Sebastian is just the same about Joe. I tell him he must be patient. JoeтАЩs just kicking up her heels at present. SheтАЩll settle down soon and begin to find out what it is she really does want.тАЭ
тАЬIt would be awfully jolly if she married Sebastian. I wish she would. It would keep us all together.тАЭ
тАЬYesтБатАФIтАЩm very fond of Joe myself. Not that I think sheтАЩs really the wife for SebastianтБатАФtheyтАЩd be too far away to understand each other. IтАЩm old-fashioned, my dear. IтАЩd like my boy to marry one of our own people. It always works out best. The same interests, and the same instincts, and Jewish women are good mothers. Well, well, it may come, if Joe is really in earnest about not marrying him. And the same thing with you, Vernon. There are worse things than marrying a cousin.тАЭ
тАЬMe? Marry Joe?тАЭ
Vernon stared at her in utter astonishment. Mrs.┬аLevinne laughed, a fat, good-natured chuckle that shook her various chins.
тАЬJoe? No, indeed. ItтАЩs your cousin Enid IтАЩm talking about. ThatтАЩs the idea at Birmingham, isnтАЩt it?тАЭ
тАЬOh, noтБатАФat leastтБатАФIтАЩm sure it isnтАЩt.тАЭ
Mrs.┬аLevinne laughed again.
тАЬI can see that you at any rate have never thought of it till this minute. But it would be a wise plan, you knowтБатАФthat is, if the other girl wonтАЩt have you. Keeps the money in the family.тАЭ
Vernon went away with his brain tingling. All sorts of things fell into line. Uncle SydneyтАЩs chaff and hints. The way Enid was always being thrust at him. That, of course, was what Mrs.┬аVereker had been hinting at. They wanted him to marry Enid! Enid!
Another memory came back to him. His mother and some old friend of hers whispering together. Something about first cousins. A sudden idea occurred to him. That was why Joe had been allowed to go to London. His mother had thought that he and Joe mightтБатАКтБатАж
He gave a sudden shout of laughter. He and Joe! It showed how little his mother had ever understood. He could never, under any circumstances, imagine himself falling in love with Joe. They were exactly like brother and sister and always would be. They had the same sympathies, the same sharp divergences and differences of opinion. They were cast in the same mould, devoid of any glamour and romance for each other.
Enid! So this was what Uncle Sydney was after. Poor old Uncle Sydney, doomed to disappointmentтБатАФbut he shouldnтАЩt have been such an ass.
Perhaps, though, he was jumping to conclusions. Perhaps it wasnтАЩt Uncle SydneyтБатАФonly his mother. Women were always marrying you to someone in their minds. Anyway, Uncle Sydney would soon know the truth.
V
The interview between Vernon and his uncle wasnтАЩt very satisfactory. Uncle Sydney was both annoyed and upset though he tried to conceal the fact from Vernon. He was uncertain at first which line to take, and made one or two vague sallies in different directions.
тАЬNonsense, all nonsense, much too young to marry. Packet of nonsense.тАЭ
Vernon reminded his uncle of his own words.
тАЬPooh!тБатАФI didnтАЩt mean this kind of marriage. Society girlтБатАФI know what they are.тАЭ
Vernon broke out hotly.
тАЬSorry, my boy, I didnтАЩt mean to hurt your feelings. But that kind of girl wants to marry money. YouтАЩll be no use to her for many years to come.тАЭ
тАЬI thought perhapsтБатАФтАЭ
Vernon paused. He felt ashamed, uncomfortable.
тАЬThat IтАЩd set you up with a large income, hey? Is that what the young lady suggested? Now, I put it to you, my boy, would that be business? No, I see that you know it isnтАЩt.тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt feel that IтАЩm even worth what you give me, Uncle Sydney.тАЭ
тАЬPooh, pooh, I wasnтАЩt saying that. YouтАЩre doing very well for a start. IтАЩm sorry about this affairтБатАФit will upset you. My advice to you is, give the whole thing up. Much the best thing to do.тАЭ
тАЬI canтАЩt do that, Uncle Sydney.тАЭ
тАЬWell, itтАЩs not my business. By the way, have you talked it over with your mother? No? Well, you have a good talk with her. See if she doesnтАЩt say the same as I do. I bet she will. And remember the old saying, a boyтАЩs best friend is his motherтБатАФhey?тАЭ
Why did Uncle Sydney say such idiotic things? He always had as far back as Vernon could remember. And yet he was a shrewd and clever business man.
Well, there was nothing for it. He must buckle toтБатАФand wait. The first misty enchantment of love was wearing off. It could be hell as well as heaven. He wanted Nell so badlyтБатАФso badly.
He wrote to her:
Darling, there is nothing for it. We must be patient and wait. At any rate weтАЩll see each other often. Your mother was really very decent about itтБатАФmuch more so than I thought sheтАЩd be. I do quite see the force of all she said. ItтАЩs only fair that you should be free to see if you like anyone better than me. But you wonтАЩt, will you, darling? I know you wonтАЩt. WeтАЩre going to love each other forever and ever. And it wonтАЩt matter how poor we areтБатАКтБатАж the tiniest place with youтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ