II
Letters from Vernon Deyre to Sebastian Levinne
Do you know that there was once a legend in Russia that concerned a тАЬnameless beastтАЭ that was coming?
I mention this not because of any political significance (by the way, the Antichrist hysteria is curious, isnтАЩt it?) but because it reminded me of my own terror of тАЬthe Beast.тАЭ IтАЩve thought about тАЬthe BeastтАЭ a great deal since coming to RussiaтБатАФtrying to get at its true significance.
Because thereтАЩs more in it than just being afraid of a piano. The doctor in London opened my eyes to a great many things. IтАЩve begun to see that all through my life IтАЩve been a coward. I think youтАЩve known that, Sebastian. You wouldnтАЩt put it in that offensive way, but you hinted as much to me once. IтАЩve run away from things.тБатАКтБатАж Always IтАЩve run away from things.
And thinking it all over now, I see the Beast as something symbolicalтБатАФnot a mere piece of furniture composed of wood and wires. DonтАЩt mathematicians say that the future exists at the same time as the past?тБатАФthat we travel through time as we travel through space?тБатАФfrom a thing that is to another thing that is? DonтАЩt some even hold that remembering is a mere habit of the mindтБатАФthat we could remember forward as well as back if we had only learnt the trick of it? It sounds nonsense when I say it, but I believe there is some theory of that kind.
I believe that there is some part of us that does know the future, that is always intimately aware of it.
That explains, doesnтАЩt it, why we should shrink sometimes? The burden of our destiny is going to be heavy and we recoil from its shadow. I tried to escape from musicтБатАФbut it got me. It got me at that concert, in the same way that religion got those people at the Salvation Army meeting.
ItтАЩs a devilish thingтБатАФor is it godlike? If so itтАЩs an Old Testament jealous GodтБатАФall the things IтАЩve tried to cling on to have been swept away. Abbots PuissantsтБатАКтБатАж NellтБатАКтБатАж
And, damn it all, whatтАЩs left? Nothing. Not even the cursed thing itself. IтАЩve no wish to write music. I hear nothingтБатАФfeel nothing. Will it ever come back? Jane says it will. She seems very sure. She sends her love to you, by the way.