VII + 

I + 

August was a difficult month for Vernon. Nell and her mother were in Dinard. He wrote to her and she to him, but her letters told him little or nothing of what he wanted to know. She was having a gay time, he gathered, and enjoying herself though longing for Vernon to be there. + 

VernonтАЩs work was of the purely routine order. It required little intelligence. You needed to be careful and methodical, that was all. His mind, free from other distractions, swung back to its secret love, music. + 

He had formed the idea of writing an opera and had taken for his theme the half-forgotten fairy story of his youth. It was now bound up in his mind with NellтБатАФthe whole strength of his love for her flowed into this new channel. + 

He worked feverishly. NellтАЩs words about his living comfortably with his mother had rankled, and he had insisted on having rooms of his own. The ones he had found were very cheap, but they gave him an unexpected sense of freedom. At Carey Lodge he would never have been able to concentrate. His mother would have been, he knew, forever fussing after him, urging him to get to bed. Here, in Arthur Street, he could and often did, sit up till five in the morning if he liked. + 

He got very thin and haggard looking. Myra worried about his health and urged patent restoratives upon him. He assured her curtly that he was all right. He told her nothing of what he was doing. Sometimes he would be full of despair over his work, at others a sudden sense of power would rush over him as he knew that some small infinitesimal fragment was good. + 

Occasionally he went to town and spent a weekend with Sebastian, and on two occasions Sebastian came down to Birmingham. Sebastian was VernonтАЩs most valued standby at this time. His sympathy was real and not assumed and it had a twofold character. He was interested as a friend and also from his own professional standpoint. Vernon had an enormous respect for SebastianтАЩs judgment in all things artistic. He would play excerpts on the piano he had hired, explaining as he did so the proper orchestration. Sebastian listened, nodding very quietly, speaking little. At the end he would say: + 

тАЬItтАЩs going to be good, Vernon. Get on with it.тАЭ + 

He never uttered a word of destructive criticism, for in his belief, such a word might be fatal. Vernon needed encouragement and nothing but encouragement. + 

He said one day: тАЬIs this what you meant to do at Cambridge?тАЭ + 

Vernon considered for a minute. + 

тАЬNo,тАЭ he said at last. тАЬAt least itтАЩs not what I meant originally. After that concert, you know. ItтАЩs gone againтБатАФthe thing I saw then. Perhaps itтАЩll come back again some time. This is, I suppose, the usual sort of thing, conventionalтБатАФand all that. But here and there IтАЩve got what I mean into it.тАЭ + 

тАЬI see.тАЭ + 

To Joe, Sebastian said plainly what he thought. + 

тАЬVernon calls this the тАШusual sort of thing,тАЩ but, as a matter of fact, it isnтАЩt. ItтАЩs entirely unusual. The whole orchestration is conducted on an unusual plan. What it is, though, is immature. Brilliant but immature.тАЭ + 

тАЬHave you told him so?тАЭ + 

тАЬGood lord, no. One disparaging word and heтАЩd shrivel up and consign the whole thing to the wastepaper basket. I know these people. IтАЩm spoonfeeding him with praise at present. WeтАЩll have the pruning knife and the garden syringe later. IтАЩve mixed my metaphors, but you know what I mean.тАЭ + 

In early September Sebastian gave a party to meet Herr Radmaager, the famous composer. Vernon and Joe were bidden to attend. + 

тАЬOnly about a dozen of us,тАЭ said Sebastian. тАЬAnita Quarll, whose dancing IтАЩm interested inтБатАФsheтАЩs a rotten little devil, though. Jane HardingтБатАФyouтАЩll like her. SheтАЩs singing in this English Opera business. Wrong vocationтБатАФsheтАЩs an actress, not a singer. You and VernonтБатАФRadmaagerтБатАФtwo or three others. Radmaager will be interested in VernonтБатАФheтАЩs well disposed towards the younger generation.тАЭ + 

Both Joe and Vernon were elated. + 

тАЬDo you think IтАЩll ever do anything, Joe? Really do anything, I mean.тАЭ + 

Vernon sounded dispirited. + 

тАЬWhy not?тАЭ said Joe valiantly. + 

тАЬI donтАЩt know. Everything IтАЩve done just lately is rotten. I started all right. But now IтАЩm stale as stale. IтАЩm tired before I start.тАЭ + 

тАЬI suppose thatтАЩs because you work all day.тАЭ + 

тАЬI suppose it is.тАЭ + 

He was silent for a minute or two and then said: + 

тАЬItтАЩll be wonderful meeting Radmaager. HeтАЩs one of the only men who write what I call music. I wish I could talk to him about what I really thinkтБатАФbut it would be such awful cheek.тАЭ + 

The party was of an informal character. Sebastian had a large studio, empty save for a dais, a grand piano and a large quantity of cushions thrown down at random about the floor. At one end was a hastily put trestle table and on this were piled viands of all descriptions. + 

You collected what you wanted and then pitched your cushion. When Joe and Vernon arrived a girl was dancingтБатАФa small red-haired girl with a lithe, sinewy body. Her dancing was ugly but alluring. + 

She finished to loud applause and leapt down from the dais. + 

тАЬBravo, Anita,тАЭ said Sebastian. тАЬNow then, Vernon and Joe, have you got what you want? ThatтАЩs right. YouтАЩd better sink down gracefully by Jane. This is Jane.тАЭ + 

They sank down as bidden. Jane was a tall creature with a beautiful body and a mass of very dark brown hair coiled low on her neck. Her face was too broad for beauty and her chin too sharp. Her eyes were deep-set and green. She was about thirty, Vernon thought. He found her disconcerting, but attractive. + 

Joe began to talk to her eagerly. Her enthusiasm for sculpture had been waning of late. She had always had a high soprano voice and she was now coquetting with the idea of becoming an opera singer. + 

Jane Harding listened sympathetically enough, emitting a faintly amused monosyllable from time to time. Finally she said: + 

тАЬIf you like to come round to my flat, IтАЩll try your voice, and I can tell you in two minutes just what your voice is good for.тАЭ + 

тАЬWould you really? ThatтАЩs awfully kind of you.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! not at all. You can trust me. You canтАЩt trust someone who makes their living by teaching to tell you the truth.тАЭ + 

Sebastian came up and said: тАЬWhat about it, Jane?тАЭ + 

She got up from the floorтБатАФrather a beautiful movement. Then, looking round, she said in the curt voice of command one would use to a dog: + 

тАЬMr.┬аHill.тАЭ + 

A small man, rather like a white worm, bustled forward with an ingratiating twist of the body. He followed her up to the dais. + 

She sang a French song Vernon had never heard before. + 

тАЬJтАЩai perdu mon amieтБатАФelle est morte, + 

Tout sтАЩen va cette fois ├а jamais, + 

├А jamais, pour toujours elle emporte + 

Le dernier des amours que jтАЩaimais. + 

тАЬPauvre nous! Rien ne mтАЩa cri├й lтАЩheure + 

O├╣ l├а-bas se nouait son linceul + 

On mтАЩa dit тАШElle est morte!тАЩ Et tout seul + 

Je r├йp├иte тАШElle est morte!тАЩ Et je pleureтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

Like most people who heard Jane Harding sing, Vernon was quite unable to criticize the voice. She created an emotional atmosphereтБатАФthe voice was only an instrument. The sense of overwhelming loss, of dazed grief, the final relief of tears. + 

There was applause. Sebastian murmured: тАЬEnormous emotional powerтБатАФthatтАЩs it.тАЭ + 

She sang again. This time it was a Norwegian song about falling snow. There was no emotion in her voice whatsoeverтБатАФit was like the white flakes of the snow: monotonous, exquisitely clear, finally dying away to silence on the last line. + 

In response to applause, she sang yet a third song. Vernon sat up, suddenly alert. + 

тАЬI saw a Fairy lady there + 

With long white hands and drowning hair + 

And oh! her face was wild and sweet, + 

Was sweet and wild and wild and strange and fairтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

It was like a spell laid on the roomтБатАФthe sense of magic, of terrified enchantment. JaneтАЩs face was thrust forward. Her eyes looked out, past beyondтБатАФseeingтБатАФfrightened yet fascinated. + 

There was a sigh as she finished. A stout burly man with white hair en brosse pushed his way to Sebastian. + 

тАЬAh! my good Sebastian, I have arrived. I will talk to that young ladyтБатАФat once, immediately.тАЭ + 

Sebastian went with him across the room to Jane. Herr Radmaager took her by both hands. He looked at her earnestly. + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ he said at last. тАЬYour physique is good. I should say that both the digestion and the circulation were excellent. You will give me your address and I will come and see you. Is it not so?тАЭ + 

Vernon thought: тАЬThese people are mad.тАЭ + 

But he noticed that Jane Harding seemed to take it as a matter of course. She wrote down her address, talked to Radmaager for a few minutes longer, then came and rejoined Joe and Vernon. + 

тАЬSebastian is a good friend,тАЭ she remarked. тАЬHe knows that Herr Radmaager is looking for a Solveig for his new opera, Peer Gynt. That is why he asked me here tonight.тАЭ + 

Joe got up and went to talk to Sebastian. Vernon and Jane Harding were left alone. + 

тАЬTell me,тАЭ said Vernon stammering a little. тАЬThat song you sangтБатАФтАЭ + 

тАЬFrosted snow?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, the last one. IтБатАФI heard it years agoтБатАФwhen I was a kid.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow curious. I thought it was a family secret.тАЭ + 

тАЬA hospital nurse sang it to me when I broke my leg. I always loved itтБатАФbut never thought I should hear it again.тАЭ + 

Jane Harding said thoughtfully: + 

тАЬI wonder now. Could that have been my Aunt Frances?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, that was her name. Nurse Frances. Was she your aunt? WhatтАЩs happened to her?тАЭ + 

тАЬShe died a good many years ago. Diphtheria, caught from a patient.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh! IтАЩm sorry.тАЭ He paused, hesitated, then blundered on. тАЬIтАЩve always remembered her. She wasтБатАФshe was a wonderful friend to me as a kid.тАЭ + 

He caught JaneтАЩs green eyes looking at him, a steady, kindly glance, and he knew at once of whom she had reminded him the first moment he saw her. She was like Nurse Frances. + 

She said quietly: тАЬYou write music, donтАЩt you? Sebastian told me about you.тАЭ + 

тАЬYesтБатАФat least I try to.тАЭ + 

He stopped, hesitated again. He thought: тАЬSheтАЩs terribly attractive. Do I like her? Why am I afraid of her?тАЭ + 

He felt suddenly excited and exalted. He could do thingsтБатАФhe knew he could do thingsтБатАКтБатАж + 

тАЬVernon!тАЭ + 

Sebastian was calling him. He got up. Sebastian presented him to Radmaager. The great man was kindly and sympathetic. + 

тАЬI am interested,тАЭ he said, тАЬin what I hear about your work from my young friend here.тАЭ He laid his hand on SebastianтАЩs shoulder. тАЬHe is very astute, my young friend. In spite of his youth, he is seldom wrong. We will arrange a meeting, and you shall show me your work.тАЭ + 

He moved on. Vernon was left quivering with excitement. Did he really mean it? He went back to Jane. She was smiling. Vernon sat down by her. A sudden wave of depression succeeded the exhilaration. What was the good of it all? He was tied, hand and foot, to Uncle Sydney and Birmingham. You couldnтАЩt write music unless you gave your whole time, your whole thoughts, your whole soul to it. + 

He felt injuredтБатАФmiserableтБатАФyearning for sympathy. If only Nell were here. Darling Nell who always understood. + 

He looked up and found Jane Harding watching him. + 

тАЬWhatтАЩs the matter?тАЭ she said. + 

тАЬI wish I were dead,тАЭ said Vernon bitterly. + 

Jane raised her eyebrows slightly. + 

тАЬWell,тАЭ she said, тАЬif you walk up to the top of this building and jump off, you can be.тАЭ + 

It was hardly the answer that Vernon had expected. He looked up resentfully, but her cool kindly glance disarmed him. + 

тАЬThereтАЩs only one thing I care about in the whole world,тАЭ he said passionately. тАЬI want to write music. I could write music. And instead of that IтАЩm stuck in a beastly business that I hate. Grinding away day after day! ItтАЩs too sickening.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhy do you do it if you donтАЩt like it?тАЭ + 

тАЬBecause I have to.тАЭ + 

тАЬI expect you want to reallyтБатАФotherwise you wouldnтАЩt,тАЭ said Jane indifferently. + 

тАЬHavenтАЩt I told you that I want to write music more than anything else in the world?тАЭ + 

тАЬThen why donтАЩt you do it?тАЭ + 

тАЬBecause I canтАЩt, I tell you.тАЭ + 

He felt exasperated with her. She didnтАЩt seem to understand at all. Her view on life seemed to be that if you wanted to do anything, you just went and did it. + 

He began pouring out things. Abbots Puissants, the concert, his uncleтАЩs offer, and thenтБатАФNell. + 

When he had finished, she said: тАЬYou do expect life to be rather a fairy story, donтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat do you mean?тАЭ + 

тАЬJust that. You want to be able to live in the house of your forefathers, and to marry the girl you love, and to grow immensely rich, and to be a great composer. I dare say you might manage to do one of those four things if you give your whole mind to it. But itтАЩs not likely that youтАЩll have everything, you know. Life isnтАЩt like a penny novelette.тАЭ + 

He hated her for the moment. And yet, even while he hated, he was attracted. He felt again the curious emotional atmosphere that she had created when singing. He thought to himself: тАЬA magnetic field, thatтАЩs what it is.тАЭ And then again: тАЬI donтАЩt like her. IтАЩm afraid of her.тАЭ + 

A long-haired young man came up and joined them. He was a Swede, but he spoke excellent English. + 

тАЬSebastian tells me that you will write the music of the future,тАЭ he said to Vernon. тАЬI have theories about the future. Time is only another dimension of space. You can move to and fro in time just as you can move to and fro in space. Half your dreams are only confused memories of the future. And as you can be separated from your dear ones in space, so you can be separated from them in time, and that is the greatest tragedy there is or can be.тАЭ + 

Since he was clearly mad, Vernon paid no attention. He was not interested in theories of space and time. But Jane Harding leaned forward. + 

тАЬTo be separated in time,тАЭ she said. тАЬI never thought of that.тАЭ + 

Encouraged, the Swede went on. He talked of time, and of ultimate space, and of time one, and of time two. Whether Jane was interested or not, Vernon did not know. She looked straight in front of her and did not appear to be listening. The Swede went on to time three, and Vernon escaped. + 

He joined Joe and Sebastian. Joe was being enthusiastic on the subject of Jane Harding. + 

тАЬI think sheтАЩs wonderful. DonтАЩt you, Vernon? SheтАЩs asked me to go and see her. I wish I could sing like that.тАЭ + 

тАЬSheтАЩs an actress, not a singer,тАЭ said Sebastian. тАЬA good sort, Jane. SheтАЩs had rather a tragic life. For five years she lived with Boris Androv, the sculptor.тАЭ + 

Joe glanced over in JaneтАЩs direction with enhanced interest. Vernon felt suddenly young and crude. He could still see those enigmatical slightly mocking green eyes. He heard that amused ironical voice. You do expect life to be a fairy story, donтАЩt you? Hang it all, that hurt! + 

And yet he had an immense desire to see her again. + 

Should he ask her if he might? + 

No, he couldnтАЩt. + 

Besides, he was so seldom in town. + 

He heard her voice behind himтБатАФa singerтАЩs voice, slightly husky. + 

тАЬGood night, Sebastian. Thank you.тАЭ + 

She moved towards the door, looked over her shoulder at Vernon. + 

тАЬCome and see me some time,тАЭ she said carelessly. тАЬYour cousin has got my address.тАЭ + 