III
It was half-past six on the following afternoon when Joe returned from her stolen dayтАЩs pleasure. Her Aunt Ethel met her in the hall.
тАЬWhereтАЩs Vernon?тАЭ inquired Joe, in case she might be asked how she had liked the concert.
тАЬHe came in about half an hour ago. He said there was nothing the matter, but somehow I donтАЩt think heтАЩs very well.тАЭ
тАЬOh!тАЭ Joe stared. тАЬWhere is he? In his room? IтАЩll go up and see.тАЭ
тАЬI wish you would, dear. Really he didnтАЩt look well at all.тАЭ
Joe ran quickly up the stairs, gave a perfunctory rap on VernonтАЩs door and walked in. Vernon was sitting on his bed, and something in his appearance gave Joe a shock. She had never seen Vernon look quite like this.
He didnтАЩt answer. He had the dazed look of someone who has undergone a terrible shock. It was as though he were too far away to be reached by mere words.
тАЬVernon.тАЭ She shook him by the shoulder. тАЬWhat is the matter with you?тАЭ
He heard her this time.
тАЬNothing.тАЭ
тАЬThere must be something. YouтАЩre lookingтБатАФyouтАЩre lookingтБатАФтАЭ
Words failed her to express how he was looking. She left it at that.
тАЬNothing,тАЭ he repeated dully.
She sat down on the bed beside him.
тАЬTell me,тАЭ she said gently but authoritatively.
A long shuddering sigh broke from Vernon.
тАЬJoe, do you remember that man yesterday?тАЭ
тАЬWhich man?тАЭ
тАЬThat Salvation Army chapтБатАФthose cant phrases he used. And that oneтБатАФa fine oneтБатАФfrom the Bible: This night shall thy soul be required of thee. I said afterwards I wondered what it would be like to be saved. Just idly. Well, I know!тАЭ
Joe stared at him. Vernon! Oh! but such a thing was impossible.
тАЬDo you meanтБатАФdo you meanтБатАФтАЭ Difficult somehow to get the words. тАЬDo you mean youтАЩve тАШgot religionтАЩтБатАФsuddenlyтБатАФlike people do?тАЭ
She felt it was ridiculous as she said it. She was relieved when he gave a sudden spurt of laughter.
тАЬReligion? Good God, no! Or is it that for some people? I wonderтБатАКтБатАж No, I meanтБатАФтАЭ He hesitated, brought the word out at last very softly, almost as though he dared not speak it. тАЬMusic.тАЭ
тАЬMusic?тАЭ She was still utterly at sea.
тАЬYes. Joe, do you remember Nurse Frances?тАЭ
тАЬNurse Frances? No, I donтАЩt think I do. Who was she?тАЭ
тАЬOf course you wouldnтАЩt. It was before you cameтБатАФthe time I broke my leg. IтАЩve always remembered something she said to me. About not being in a hurry to run away from things before youтАЩve had a good look. Well, thatтАЩs what happened to me today. I couldnтАЩt run away any longerтБатАФI just had to look. Joe, musicтАЩs the most wonderful thing in the worldтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬButтБатАФbutтБатАФyouтАЩve always saidтБатАФтАЭ
тАЬI know. ThatтАЩs why itтАЩs been such an awful shock. Not that I mean music is so wonderful nowтБатАФbut it could beтБатАФif you had it as it was meant to be! Little bits of it are uglyтБатАФitтАЩs like going up to a picture and seeing a nasty grey smear of paintтБатАФbut go to a distance and it falls into its place as the most wonderful shadow. ItтАЩs got to be a whole. I still think one violinтАЩs ugly, and a pianoтАЩs beastlyтБатАФbut useful in a way, I suppose. ButтБатАФoh! Joe, music could be so wonderfulтБатАФI know it could.тАЭ
Joe was silent, bewildered. She understood now what Vernon had meant by his opening words. His face had the queer dreamy exaltation that one associated with religious fervour. And yet she was a little frightened. His face had always expressed so little. Now, she thought, it expressed too much. It was a worse face or a better faceтБатАФjust as you chose to look on it.
He went on talking, hardly to her, more to himself.
тАЬThere were nine orchestras, you know. All massed. Sound can be glorious if you get enough of itтБатАФI donтАЩt mean just loudnessтБатАФit shows more when itтАЩs soft. But there must be enough. I donтАЩt know what they playedтБатАФnothing, I think, that was real. But it showed oneтБатАФit showed oneтБатАФтАЭ
He turned queer bright excited eyes upon her.
тАЬThereтАЩs so much to knowтБатАФto learn. I donтАЩt want to play thingsтБатАФnever that. But I want to know about every instrument there is. What it can do, what are its limitations, what are its possibilities. And the notes, too. There are notes they donтАЩt useтБатАФnotes that they ought to use. I know there are. Do you know what musicтАЩs like now, Joe? ItтАЩs like the little sturdy Norman pillars in the crypt of Gloucester Cathedral. ItтАЩs at its beginnings, thatтАЩs all.тАЭ
He sat silent, leaning forward dreamily.
тАЬWell, I think youтАЩve gone quite mad,тАЭ said Joe.
She tried on purpose to make her voice sound practical and matter-of-fact. But, in spite of herself, she was impressed. That white-hot conviction. And she had always thought Vernon rather a slow coachтБатАФreactionary, prejudiced, unimaginative.
тАЬIтАЩve got to begin to learn. As soon as ever I can. Oh! itтАЩs awfulтБатАФto have wasted twenty years!тАЭ
тАЬNonsense,тАЭ said Joe. тАЬYou couldnтАЩt have studied music when you were an infant in a cot.тАЭ
He smiled at that. He was coming out of his trance by degrees.
тАЬYou think IтАЩm mad? I suppose it must sound like that. But IтАЩm not. And oh! Joe, itтАЩs the most awful relief. As though you had been pretending for years, and now you neednтАЩt pretend any more. IтАЩve been horribly afraid of musicтБатАФalways. NowтБатАФтАЭ
He sat up, squared his shoulders.
тАЬIтАЩm going to workтБатАФwork like a nigger. IтАЩm going to know the ins and outs of every instrument. By the way, there must be more instruments in the worldтБатАФmany more. There ought to be a kind of waily thingтБатАФIтАЩve heard it somewhere. YouтАЩd want tenтБатАФfifteen of those. And about fifty harps.тАЭ
He sat there, planning composedly details that to Joe sounded sheer nonsense. Yet it was evident that to his inner vision some event was perfectly clear.
тАЬItтАЩll be supper time in ten minutes,тАЭ Joe reminded him timidly.
тАЬOh! will it? What a nuisance. I want to stay here and think and hear things in my head. Tell Aunt Ethel IтАЩve got a headache or that IтАЩve been frightfully sick. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to be sick.тАЭ
And somehow that impressed Joe more than anything else. It was a homely familiar happening. When anything upset you very much, either pleasurably or otherwise, you always wanted to be sick! She had felt that herself, often.
She stood in the door hesitating. Vernon had relapsed into abstraction again. How queer he lookedтБатАФquite different. As thoughтБатАФas thoughтБатАФJoe sought for the words she wantedтБатАФas though he had suddenly come alive.
She was a little frightened.