VII
Though my father was a good natural philosopher,вБ†вАФyet he was something of a moral philosopher too; for which reason, when his tobacco-pipe snappвАЩd short in the middle,вБ†вАФhe had nothing to do, as such, but to have taken hold of the two pieces, and thrown them gently upon the back of the fire.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He did no such thing;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he threw them with all the violence in the world;вБ†вАФand, to give the action still more emphasis,вБ†вАФhe started upon both his legs to do it.
This looked something like heat;вБ†вАФand the manner of his reply to what my uncle Toby was saying, proved it was so.
вАФвАЬNot choose,вАЭ quoth my father, (repeating my uncle TobyвАЩs words) вАЬto let a man come so near her!вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†By Heaven, brother Toby! you would try the patience of Job;вБ†вАФand I think I have the plagues of one already without it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Where?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Wherein?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Wherefore?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Upon what account? replied my uncle Toby, in the utmost astonishment.вБ†вАФTo think, said my father, of a man living to your age, brother, and knowing so little about women!вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know nothing at all about them,вБ†вАФreplied my uncle Toby: And I think, continued he, that the shock I received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in my affair with widow Wadman;вБ†вАФwhich shock you know I should not have received, but from my total ignorance of the sex,вБ†вАФhas given me just cause to say, That I neither know nor do pretend to know anything about вАЩem or their concerns either.вБ†вАФMethinks, brother, replied my father, you might, at least, know so much as the right end of a woman from the wrong.
It is said in AristotleвАЩs Masterpiece, вАЬThat when a man doth think of anything which is past,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he looketh down upon the ground;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that when he thinketh of something that is to come, he looketh up towards the heavens.вАЭ
My uncle Toby, I suppose, thought of neither, for he lookвАЩd horizontally.вБ†вАФRight end! quoth my uncle Toby, muttering the two words low to himself, and fixing his two eyes insensibly as he muttered them, upon a small crevice, formed by a bad joint in the chimneypieceвБ†вЄЇвБ†Right end of a woman!вБ†вЄЇвБ†I declare, quoth my uncle, I know no more which it is than the man in the moon;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if I was to think, continued my uncle Toby (keeping his eye still fixed upon the bad joint) this month together, I am sure I should not be able to find it out.
Then, brother Toby, replied my father, I will tell you.
Everything in this world, continued my father (filling a fresh pipe)вБ†вАФeverything in this world, my dear brother Toby, has two handles.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Not always, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†At least, replied my father, everyone has two hands,вБ†вЄЇвБ†which comes to the same thing.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now, if a man was to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the make, the shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience of all the parts which constitute the whole of that animal, called Woman, and compare them analogicallyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I never understood rightly the meaning of that word,вБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФ
Analogy, replied my father, is the certain relation and agreement which differentвБ†вЄЇвБ†Here a devil of a rap at the door snapped my fatherвАЩs definition (like his tobacco-pipe) in two,вБ†вАФand, at the same time, crushed the head of as notable and curious a dissertation as ever was engendered in the womb of speculation;вБ†вАФit was some months before my father could get an opportunity to be safely delivered of it:вБ†вАФAnd, at this hour, it is a thing full as problematical as the subject of the dissertation itself,вБ†вАФ(considering the confusion and distresses of our domestick misadventures, which are now coming thick one upon the back of another) whether I shall be able to find a place for it in the third volume or not.