XXIII
All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairsвБ†вАФI hear not one foot stirring.вБ†вАФPrithee, Trim, whoвАЩs in the kitchen? There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered Trim, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФConfusion! cried my father (getting up upon his legs a second time)вБ†вАФnot one single thing was gone right this day! had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the by, my father had), I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, I thought Dr.¬†Slop had been above stairs with my wife, and so said you.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen!вБ†вАФHe is busy, anвАЩ please your honour, replied Trim, in making a bridge.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby:вБ†вЄїpray, give my humble service to Dr.¬†Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily.
You must know, my uncle Toby mistook the bridgeвБ†вАФas widely as my father mistook the mortars;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but to understand how my uncle Toby could mistake the bridgeвБ†вАФI fear I must give you an exact account of the road which led to it;вБ†вАФor to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more dishonest in an historian than the use of one)вБ†вЄЇвБ†in order to conceive the probability of this error in my uncle Toby aright, I must give you some account of an adventure of TrimвАЩs, though much against my will, I say much against my will, only because the story, in one sense, is certainly out of its place here; for by right it should come in, either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle TobyвАЩs amours with widow Wadman, in which corporal Trim was no mean actorвБ†вАФor else in the middle of his and my uncle TobyвАЩs campaigns on the bowling-greenвБ†вАФfor it will do very well in either place;вБ†вАФbut then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I ruin the story IвАЩm upon;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if I tell it hereвБ†вАФI anticipate matters, and ruin it there.
вАФWhat would your worships have me to do in this case?
вАФTell it, Mr.¬†Shandy, by all means.вБ†вАФYou are a fool, Tristram, if you do.
O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too)вБ†вАФwhich enable mortal man to tell a story worth the hearingвБ†вЄїthat kindly show him, where he is to begin itвБ†вАФand where he is to end itвБ†вЄЇвБ†what he is to put into itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and what he is to leave outвБ†вАФhow much of it he is to cast into a shadeвБ†вАФand whereabouts he is to throw his light!вБ†вАФYe, who preside over this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into;вБ†вЄЇвБ†will you do one thing?
I beg and beseech you (in case you will do nothing better for us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they have done just hereвБ†вЄЇвБ†that at least you set up a guidepost in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which of the three he is to take.