XXXIII
As the ancients agree, brother Toby, said my father, that there are two different and distinct kinds of love, according to the different parts which are affected by itвБ†вАФthe Brain or LiverвБ†вЄЇвБ†I think when a man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into.
What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied my uncle Toby, which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?
вЄЇвБ†A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking full in my motherвАЩs face, as he forced his way betwixt hers and doctor SlopвАЩsвБ†вАФa few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle TobyвАЩs words as he walkвАЩd to and froвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†Not, my dear brother Toby, cried my father, recovering himself all at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle TobyвАЩs chairвБ†вАФnot that I should be sorry hadst thou a scoreвБ†вАФon the contrary, I should rejoiceвБ†вАФand be as kind, Toby, to every one of them as a fatherвБ†вАФ
My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my fatherвАЩs a squeezeвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle TobyвАЩs handвБ†вАФso much dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the milk of human nature, and so little of its asperitiesвБ†вАФвАЩtis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new projectвБ†вАФI would oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strengthвБ†вАФor dry up thy radical moisture too fastвБ†вАФor weaken thy memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to doвБ†вАФelse, dear Toby, I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my empire, and I would oblige thee, nolens, volens, to beget for me one subject every monthвБ†вЄЇвБ†
As my father pronounced the last word of the sentenceвБ†вАФmy mother took a pinch of snuff.
Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, get a child, nolens, volens, that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon earthвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†And вАЩtwould be cruel in me, brother Toby, to compel thee; said my fatherвБ†вАФbut вАЩtis a case put to show thee, that it is not thy begetting a childвБ†вАФin case thou shouldвАЩst be ableвБ†вАФbut the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right inвБ†вЄЇвБ†
There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal of reason and plain sense in captain ShandyвАЩs opinion of love; and вАЩtis amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract so muchвБ†вЄЇвБ†
I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had read Plato; for there you would have learnt that there are two LovesвБ†вАФI know there were two Religions, replied Yorick, amongst the ancientsвБ†вЄЇвБ†oneвБ†вАФfor the vulgar, and another for the learned;вБ†вАФbut I think one Love might have served both of them very wellвБ†вАФ
It could not; replied my fatherвБ†вАФand for the same reasons: for of these Loves, according to FicinusвАЩs comment upon Velasius, the one is rationalвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†the other is naturalвБ†вЄЇвБ†
the first ancientвБ†вЄЇвБ†without motherвБ†вЄЇвБ†where Venus had nothing to do: the second, begotten of Jupiter and DioneвБ†вАФ
вЄЇвБ†Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, what has a man who believes in God to do with this? My father could not stop to answer, for fear of breaking the thread of his discourseвБ†вЄЇвБ†
This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of Venus.
The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to love heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of philosophy and truthвБ†вЄЇвБ†the second, excites to desire, simplyвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world, said Yorick, as the finding out of the longitudeвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†To be sure, said my mother, love keeps peace in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†In the houseвБ†вАФmy dear, I ownвБ†вАФ
вЄЇвБ†It replenishes the earth; said my motherвБ†вЄЇвБ†
But it keeps heaven emptyвБ†вАФmy dear; replied my father.
вЄЇвАЩTis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphantly, which fills paradise.
Well pushвАЩd, nun! quoth my father.