Book + 

IX + 

Non enim excursus hic ejus, sed opus ipsum est. + 

Plin. Lib. v Epist. 6 + 

Si quid urbaniuscul√® lusum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas et omnium po√Ђtarum Numina, Oro te, ne me mal√® capias. + 

A Dedication to a Great Man + 

My Lord, + 

Having, a priori, intended to dedicate The Amours of My Uncle Toby to Mr.¬†***вБ†вЄЇвБ†I see more reasons, a posteriori, for doing it to Lord *******. + 

I should lament from my soul, if this exposed me to the jealousy of their Reverences; because a posteriori, in Court-latin, signifies the kissing hands for prefermentвБ†вАФor anything elseвБ†вАФin order to get it. + 

My opinion of Lord ******* is neither better nor worse, than it was of Mr.¬†***. Honours, like impressions upon coin, may give an ideal and local value to a bit of base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass all the world over without any other recommendation than their own weight. + 

The same goodwill that made me think of offering up half an hourвАЩs amusement to Mr.¬†*** when out of placeвБ†вАФoperates more forcibly at present, as half an hourвАЩs amusement will be more serviceable and refreshing after labour and sorrow, than after a philosophical repast. + 

Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a total change of ideas; no ideas are so totally different as those of Ministers, and innocent Lovers: for which reason, when I come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots, and set such marks upon them as will prevent confusion and mistakes concerning them for the futureвБ†вАФI propose to dedicate that Volume to some gentle Shepherd, + 

Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray, + 

Far as the StatesmanвАЩs walk or Patriot-way; + 

Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given + 

Out of a cloud-cappвАЩd head a humbler heaven; + 

Some untamвАЩd World in depths of wood embracedвБ†вАФ + 

Some happier Island in the watry-wasteвБ†вАФ + 

And where admitted to that equal sky, + 

His faithful Dog should bear him company. + 

In a word, by thus introducing an entire new set of objects to his Imagination, I shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his passionate and lovesick Contemplations. In the meantime, + 

I + 

I call all the powers of time and chance, which severally check us in our careers in this world, to bear me witness, that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle TobyвАЩs amours, till this very moment, that my motherвАЩs curiosity, as she stated the affair,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or a different impulse in her, as my father would have itвБ†вЄЇвБ†wished her to take a peep at them through the keyhole. + 

вАЬCall it, my dear, by its right name, quoth my father, and look through the keyhole as long as you will.вАЭ + 

Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I have often spoken of, in my fatherвАЩs habit, could have vented such an insinuationвБ†вЄЇвБ†he was however frank and generous in his nature, and at all times open to conviction; so that he had scarce got to the last word of this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him. + 

My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted under his right, in such wise, that the inside of her hand rested upon the back of hisвБ†вАФshe raised her fingers, and let them fallвБ†вАФit could scarce be callвАЩd a tap; or if it was a tapвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwould have puzzled a casuist to say, whether вАЩtwas a tap of remonstrance, or a tap of confession: my father, who was all sensibilities from head to foot, classвАЩd it rightвБ†вАФConscience redoubled her blowвБ†вАФhe turnвАЩd his face suddenly the other way, and my mother supposing his body was about to turn with it in order to move homewards, by a cross movement of her right leg, keeping her left as its centre, brought herself so far in front, that as he turned his head, he met her eyeвБ†вЄїConfusion again! he saw a thousand reasons to wipe out the reproach, and as many to reproach himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thin, blue, chill, pellucid crystal with all its humours so at rest, the least mote or speck of desire might have been seen, at the bottom of it, had it existedвБ†вЄЇвБ†it did notвБ†вЄЇвБ†and how I happen to be so lewd myself, particularly a little before the vernal and autumnal equinoxesвБ†вЄЇвБ†Heaven above knowsвБ†вЄЇвБ†My motherвБ†вЄЇвБ†madamвБ†вЄЇвБ†was so at no time, either by nature, by institution, or example. + 

A temperate current of blood ran orderly through her veins in all months of the year, and in all critical moments both of the day and night alike; nor did she superinduce the least heat into her humours from the manual effervescencies of devotional tracts, which having little or no meaning in them, nature is ofttimes obliged to find oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†And as for my fatherвАЩs example! вАЩtwas so far from being either aiding or abetting thereunto, that вАЩtwas the whole business of his life to keep all fancies of that kind out of her headвБ†вЄЇвБ†Nature had done her part, to have spared him this trouble; and what was not a little inconsistent, my father knew itвБ†вЄЇвБ†And here am I sitting, this 12th day of August 1766, in a purple jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without either wig or cap on, a most tragicomical completion of his prediction, вАЬThat I should neither think, nor act like any other manвАЩs child, upon that very account.вАЭ + 

The mistake in my father, was in attacking my motherвАЩs motive, instead of the act itself; for certainly keyholes were made for other purposes; and considering the act, as an act which interfered with a true proposition, and denied a keyhole to be what it wasвБ†вЄїit became a violation of nature; and was so far, you see, criminal. + 

It is for this reason, anвАЩ please your Reverences, That keyholes are the occasions of more sin and wickedness, than all other holes in this world put together. + 

вЄїwhich leads me to my uncle TobyвАЩs amours. + 

II + 

Though the corporal had been as good as his word in putting my uncle TobyвАЩs great ramallie-wig into pipes, yet the time was too short to produce any great effects from it: it had lain many years squeezed up in the corner of his old campaign trunk; and as bad forms are not so easy to be got the better of, and the use of candle-ends not so well understood, it was not so pliable a business as one would have wished. The corporal with cheery eye and both arms extended, had fallen back perpendicular from it a score times, to inspire it, if possible, with a better airвБ†вЄЇвБ†had spleen given a look at it, вАЩtwould have cost her ladyship a smileвБ†вЄЇвБ†it curlвАЩd everywhere but where the corporal would have it; and where a buckle or two, in his opinion, would have done it honour, he could as soon have raised the dead. + 

Such it wasвБ†вЄЇвБ†or rather such would it have seemвАЩd upon any other brow; but the sweet look of goodness which sat upon my uncle TobyвАЩs, assimilated everything around it so sovereignly to itself, and Nature had moreover wrote Gentleman with so fair a hand in every line of his countenance, that even his tarnishвАЩd gold-laced hat and huge cockade of flimsy taffeta became him; and though not worth a button in themselves, yet the moment my uncle Toby put them on, they became serious objects, and altogether seemвАЩd to have been picked up by the hand of Science to set him off to advantage. + 

Nothing in this world could have cooperated more powerfully towards this, than my uncle TobyвАЩs blue and goldвБ†вЄЇвБ†had not Quantity in some measure been necessary to Grace: in a period of fifteen or sixteen years since they had been made, by a total inactivity in my uncle TobyвАЩs life, for he seldom went further than the bowling-greenвБ†вАФhis blue and gold had become so miserably too strait for him, that it was with the utmost difficulty the corporal was able to get him into them; the taking them up at the sleeves, was of no advantage.вБ†вЄЇвБ†They were laced however down the back, and at the seams of the sides, etc., in the mode of King WilliamвАЩs reign; and to shorten all description, they shone so bright against the sun that morning, and had so metallick and doughty an air with them, that had my uncle Toby thought of attacking in armour, nothing could have so well imposed upon his imagination. + 

As for the thin scarlet breeches, they had been unrippвАЩd by the tailor between the legs, and left at sixes and sevensвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Yes, Madam,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but let us govern our fancies. It is enough they were held impracticable the night before, and as there was no alternative in my uncle TobyвАЩs wardrobe, he sallied forth in the red plush. + 

The corporal had arrayвАЩd himself in poor Le FeverвАЩs regimental coat; and with his hair tuckвАЩd up under his Montero-cap, which he had furbishвАЩd up for the occasion, marchвАЩd three paces distant from his master: a whiff of military pride had puffвАЩd out his shirt at the wrist; and upon that in a black leather thong clippвАЩd into a tassel beyond the knot, hung the corporalвАЩs stickвБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby carried his cane like a pike. + 

вЄЇвБ†It looks well at least; quoth my father to himself. + 

III + 

My uncle Toby turnвАЩd his head more than once behind him, to see how he was supported by the corporal; and the corporal as oft as he did it, gave a slight flourish with his stickвБ†вАФbut not vapouringly; and with the sweetest accent of most respectful encouragement, bid his honour вАЬnever fear.вАЭ + 

Now my uncle Toby did fear; and grievously too; he knew not (as my father had reproachвАЩd him) so much as the right end of a Woman from the wrong, and therefore was never altogether at his ease near any one of themвБ†вЄЇвБ†unless in sorrow or distress; then infinite was his pity; nor would the most courteous knight of romance have gone further, at least upon one leg, to have wiped away a tear from a womanвАЩs eye; and yet excepting once that he was beguiled into it by Mrs.¬†Wadman, he had never looked steadfastly into one; and would often tell my father in the simplicity of his heart, that it was almost (if not about) as bad as talking bawdy.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†And suppose it is? my father would say. + 

IV + 

She cannot, quoth my uncle Toby, halting, when they had marchвАЩd up to within twenty paces of Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs doorвБ†вАФshe cannot, corporal, take it amiss.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†She will take it, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal, just as the JewвАЩs widow at Lisbon took it of my brother Tom.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†And how was that? quoth my uncle Toby, facing quite about to the corporal. + 

Your honour, replied the corporal, knows of TomвАЩs misfortunes; but this affair has nothing to do with them any further than this, That if Tom had not married the widowвБ†вЄЇвБ†or had it pleased God after their marriage, that they had but put pork into their sausages, the honest soul had never been taken out of his warm bed, and draggвАЩd to the inquisitionвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a cursed placeвБ†вАФadded the corporal, shaking his head,вБ†вАФwhen once a poor creature is in, he is in, anвАЩ please your honour, forever. + 

вАЩTis very true; said my uncle Toby, looking gravely at Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs house, as he spoke. + 

Nothing, continued the corporal, can be so sad as confinement for lifeвБ†вАФor so sweet, anвАЩ please your honour, as liberty. + 

Nothing, TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†said my uncle Toby, musingвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Whilst a man is free,вБ†вАФcried the corporal, giving a flourish with his stick thusвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

A thousand of my fatherвАЩs most subtle syllogisms could not have said more for celibacy. + 

My uncle Toby lookвАЩd earnestly towards his cottage and his bowling-green. + 

The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with his wand; and he had nothing to do, but to conjure him down again with his story, and in this form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically did the corporal do it. + 

V + 

As TomвАЩs place, anвАЩ please your honour, was easyвБ†вАФand the weather warmвБ†вАФit put him upon thinking seriously of settling himself in the world; and as it fell out about that time, that a Jew who kept a sausage shop in the same street, had the ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his widow in possession of a rousing tradeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Tom thought (as everybody in Lisbon was doing the best he could devise for himself) there could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it on: so without any introduction to the widow, except that of buying a pound of sausages at her shopвБ†вАФTom set outвБ†вАФcounting the matter thus within himself, as he walkвАЩd along; that let the worst come of it that could, he should at least get a pound of sausages for their worthвБ†вАФbut, if things went well, he should be set up; inasmuch as he should get not only a pound of sausagesвБ†вАФbut a wife andвБ†вАФa sausage shop, anвАЩ please your honour, into the bargain. + 

Every servant in the family, from high to low, wishвАЩd Tom success; and I can fancy, anвАЩ please your honour, I see him this moment with his white dimity waistcoat and breeches, and hat a little oвАЩ one side, passing jollily along the street, swinging his stick, with a smile and a cheerful word for everybody he met:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But alas! Tom! thou smilest no more, cried the corporal, looking on one side of him upon the ground, as if he apostrophised him in his dungeon. + 

Poor fellow! said my uncle Toby, feelingly. + 

He was an honest, lighthearted lad, anвАЩ please your honour, as ever blood warmвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Then he resembled thee, Trim, said my uncle Toby, rapidly. + 

The corporal blushвАЩd down to his fingers endsвБ†вАФa tear of sentimental bashfulnessвБ†вАФanother of gratitude to my uncle TobyвБ†вАФand a tear of sorrow for his brotherвАЩs misfortunes, started into his eye, and ran sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle TobyвАЩs kindled as one lamp does at another; and taking hold of the breast of TrimвАЩs coat (which had been that of Le FeverвАЩs) as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality to gratify a finer feelingвБ†вЄЇвБ†he stood silent for a minute and a half; at the end of which he took his hand away, and the corporal making a bow, went on with his story of his brother and the JewвАЩs widow. + 

VI + 

When Tom, anвАЩ please your honour, got to the shop, there was nobody in it, but a poor negro girl, with a bunch of white feathers slightly tied to the end of a long cane, flapping away fliesвБ†вАФnot killing them.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a pretty picture! said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФshe had suffered persecution, Trim, and had learnt mercyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†She was good, anвАЩ please your honour, from nature, as well as from hardships; and there are circumstances in the story of that poor friendless slut, that would melt a heart of stone, said Trim; and some dismal winterвАЩs evening, when your honour is in the humour, they shall be told you with the rest of TomвАЩs story, for it makes a part of itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Then do not forget, Trim, said my uncle Toby. + 

A negro has a soul? anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal (doubtingly). + 

I am not much versed, corporal, quoth my uncle Toby, in things of that kind; but I suppose, God would not leave him without one, any more than thee or meвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†It would be putting one sadly over the head of another, quoth the corporal. + 

It would so; said my uncle Toby. Why then, anвАЩ please your honour, is a black wench to be used worse than a white one? + 

I can give no reason, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Only, cried the corporal, shaking his head, because she has no one to stand up for herвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвАЩTis that very thing, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвБ†which recommends her to protectionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and her brethren with her; вАЩtis the fortune of war which has put the whip into our hands nowвБ†вЄЇвБ†where it may be hereafter, heaven knows!вБ†вЄЇвБ†but be it where it will, the brave, Trim! will not use it unkindly. + 

вЄЇвБ†God forbid, said the corporal. + 

Amen, responded my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon his heart. + 

The corporal returned to his story, and went onвБ†вЄЇвБ†but with an embarrassment in doing it, which here and there a reader in this world will not be able to comprehend; for by the many sudden transitions all along, from one kind and cordial passion to another, in getting thus far on his way, he had lost the sportable key of his voice, which gave sense and spirit to his tale: he attempted twice to resume it, but could not please himself; so giving a stout hem! to rally back the retreating spirits, and aiding nature at the same time with his left arm akimbo on one side, and with his right a little extended, supporting her on the otherвБ†вАФthe corporal got as near the note as he could; and in that attitude, continued his story. + 

VII + 

As Tom, anвАЩ please your honour, had no business at that time with the Moorish girl, he passed on into the room beyond, to talk to the JewвАЩs widow about loveвБ†вЄЇвБ†and this pound of sausages; and being, as I have told your honour, an open cheery-hearted lad, with his character wrote in his looks and carriage, he took a chair, and without much apology, but with great civility at the same time, placed it close to her at the table, and sat down. + 

There is nothing so awkward, as courting a woman, anвАЩ please your honour, whilst she is making sausagesвБ†вЄЇвБ†So Tom began a discourse upon them; first, gravely,вБ†вЄЇвАЬas how they were madeвБ†вЄЇвБ†with what meats, herbs, and spicesвАЭвБ†вАФThen a little gayly,вБ†вАФas, вАЬWith what skinsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if they never burstвБ†вЄЇвБ†Whether the largest were not the best?вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†and so onвБ†вАФtaking care only as he went along, to season what he had to say upon sausages, rather under than over;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that he might have room to act inвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution, said my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon TrimвАЩs shoulder, that Count De la Motte lost the battle of Wynendale: he pressed too speedily into the wood; which if he had not done, Lisle had not fallen into our hands, nor Ghent and Bruges, which both followed her example; it was so late in the year, continued my uncle Toby, and so terrible a season came on, that if things had not fallen out as they did, our troops must have perishвАЩd in the open field.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Why, therefore, may not battles, anвАЩ please your honour, as well as marriages, be made in heaven?вБ†вАФMy uncle Toby musedвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his high idea of military skill tempted him to say another; so not being able to frame a reply exactly to his mindвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby said nothing at all; and the corporal finished his story. + 

As Tom perceived, anвАЩ please your honour, that he gained ground, and that all he had said upon the subject of sausages was kindly taken, he went on to help her a little in making them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†First, by taking hold of the ring of the sausage whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her handвБ†вЄЇвБ†then by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding them in his hand, whilst she took them out one by oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†then, by putting them across her mouth, that she might take them out as she wanted themвБ†вЄЇвБ†and so on from little to more, till at last he adventured to tie the sausage himself, whilst she held the snout.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Now a widow, anвАЩ please your honour, always chooses a second husband as unlike the first as she can: so the affair was more than half settled in her mind before Tom mentioned it. + 

She made a feint however of defending herself, by snatching up a sausage:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tom instantly laid hold of anotherвБ†вЄї + 

But seeing TomвАЩs had more gristle in itвБ†вЄї + 

She signed the capitulationвБ†вЄЇвБ†and Tom sealed it; and there was an end of the matter. + 

VIII + 

All womankind, continued Trim, (commenting upon his story) from the highest to the lowest, anвАЩ please your honour, love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they choose to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I like the comparison, said my uncle Toby, better than the thing itselfвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Because your honour, quoth the corporal, loves glory, more than pleasure. + 

I hope, Trim, answered my uncle Toby, I love mankind more than either; and as the knowledge of arms tends so apparently to the good and quiet of the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†and particularly that branch of it which we have practised together in our bowling-green, has no object but to shorten the strides of Ambition, and intrench the lives and fortunes of the few, from the plunderings of the manyвБ†вЄЇвБ†whenever that drum beats in our ears, I trust, corporal, we shall neither of us want so much humanity and fellow-feeling, as to face about and march. + 

In pronouncing this, my uncle Toby faced about, and marchвАЩd firmly as at the head of his companyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the faithful corporal, shouldering his stick, and striking his hand upon his coat-skirt as he took his first stepвБ†вЄЇвБ†marchвАЩd close behind him down the avenue. + 

вЄЇвБ†Now what can their two noddles be about? cried my father to my motherвБ†вЄЇвБ†by all thatвАЩs strange, they are besieging Mrs.¬†Wadman in form, and are marching round her house to mark out the lines of circumvallation. + 

I dare say, quoth my motherвБ†вЄївЄїBut stop, dear SirвБ†вЄЇвБ†for what my mother dared to say upon the occasionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and what my father did say upon itвБ†вЄЇвБ†with her replies and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused, paraphrased, commented, and descanted uponвБ†вАФor to say it all in a word, shall be thumbвАЩd over by Posterity in a chapter apartвБ†вЄЇвБ†I say, by PosterityвБ†вАФand care not, if I repeat the word againвБ†вАФfor what has this book done more than the Legation of Moses, or the Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them? + 

I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every letter I trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen; the days and hours of it, more precious, my dear Jenny! than the rubies about thy neck, are flying over our heads like light clouds of a windy day, never to return moreвБ†вЄЇвБ†everything presses onвБ†вЄЇвБ†whilst thou art twisting that lock,вБ†вЄЇвБ†see! it grows grey; and every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu, and every absence which follows it, are preludes to that eternal separation which we are shortly to make.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Heaven have mercy upon us both! + 

IX + 

Now, for what the world thinks of that ejaculationвБ†вЄЇвБ†I would not give a groat. + 

X + 

My mother had gone with her left arm twisted in my fatherвАЩs right, till they had got to the fatal angle of the old garden wall, where Doctor Slop was overthrown by Obadiah on the coach-horse: as this was directly opposite to the front of Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs house, when my father came to it, he gave a look across; and seeing my uncle Toby and the corporal within ten paces of the door, he turnвАЩd aboutвБ†вЄЇвАЬLet us just stop a moment, quoth my father, and see with what ceremonies my brother Toby and his man Trim make their first entryвБ†вЄЇвБ†it will not detain us, added my father, a single minute:вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†No matter, if it be ten minutes, quoth my mother. + 

вЄЇвБ†It will not detain us half one; said my father. + 

The corporal was just then setting in with the story of his brother Tom and the JewвАЩs widow: the story went onвБ†вАФand onвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had episodes in itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it came back, and went onвБ†вЄЇвБ†and on again; there was no end of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†the reader found it very longвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†GвБ†вЄЇ help my father! he pishвАЩd fifty times at every new attitude, and gave the corporalвАЩs stick, with all its flourishings and dangling, to as many devils as chose to accept of them. + 

When issues of events like these my father is waiting for, are hanging in the scales of fate, the mind has the advantage of changing the principle of expectation three times, without which it would not have power to see it out. + 

Curiosity governs the first moment; and the second moment is all ≈Уconomy to justify the expense of the firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†and for the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and so on to the day of judgmentвБ†вАФвАЩtis a point of Honour. + 

I need not be told, that the ethic writers have assigned this all to Patience; but that Virtue, methinks, has extent of dominion sufficient of her own, and enough to do in it, without invading the few dismantled castles which Honour has left him upon the earth. + 

My father stood it out as well as he could with these three auxiliaries to the end of TrimвАЩs story; and from thence to the end of my uncle TobyвАЩs panegyrick upon arms, in the chapter following it; when seeing, that instead of marching up to Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs door, they both faced about and marchвАЩd down the avenue diametrically opposite to his expectationвБ†вАФhe broke out at once with that little subacid soreness of humour which, in certain situations, distinguished his character from that of all other men. + 

XI + 

вЄЇвАЬNow what can their two noddles be about?вАЭ cried my father -¬†- etc. -¬†-¬†-¬†- + 

I dare say, said my mother, they are making fortificationsвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄїNot on Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs premises! cried my father, stepping backвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I suppose not: quoth my mother. + 

I wish, said my father, raising his voice, the whole science of fortification at the devil, with all its trumpery of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, fausse-brays and cuvettsвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†They are foolish thingsвБ†вЄЇвБ†said my mother. + 

Now she had a way, which, by the by, I would this moment give away my purple jerkin, and my yellow slippers into the bargain, if some of your reverences would imitateвБ†вАФand that was, never to refuse her assent and consent to any proposition my father laid before her, merely because she did not understand it, or had no ideas of the principal word or term of art, upon which the tenet or proposition rolled. She contented herself with doing all that her godfathers and godmothers promised for herвБ†вАФbut no more; and so would go on using a hard word twenty years togetherвБ†вАФand replying to it too, if it was a verb, in all its moods and tenses, without giving herself any trouble to enquire about it. + 

This was an eternal source of misery to my father, and broke the neck, at the first setting out, of more good dialogues between them, than could have done the most petulant contradictionвБ†вЄЇвБ†the few which survived were the better for the cuvettsвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФвАЬThey are foolish things;вАЭ said my mother. + 

вЄЇвБ†Particularly the cuvetts; replied my father. + 

вАЩTis enoughвБ†вАФhe tasted the sweet of triumphвБ†вАФand went on. + 

вАФNot that they are, properly speaking, Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs premises, said my father, partly correcting himselfвБ†вАФbecause she is but tenant for lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†That makes a great differenceвБ†вАФsaid my motherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФIn a foolвАЩs head, replied my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Unless she should happen to have a childвБ†вАФsaid my motherвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†But she must persuade my brother Toby first to get her oneвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†To be sure, Mr.¬†Shandy, quoth my mother. + 

вЄЇвБ†Though if it comes to persuasionвБ†вАФsaid my fatherвБ†вАФLord have mercy upon them. + 

Amen: said my mother, piano. + 

Amen: cried my father, fortissim√®. + 

Amen: said my mother againвБ†вЄЇвБ†but with such a sighing cadence of personal pity at the end of it, as discomfited every fibre about my fatherвБ†вАФhe instantly took out his almanac; but before he could untie it, YorickвАЩs congregation coming out of church, became a full answer to one half of his business with itвБ†вАФand my mother telling him it was a sacrament dayвБ†вАФleft him as little in doubt, as to the other partвБ†вАФHe put his almanac into his pocket. + 

The first Lord of the Treasury thinking of ways and means, could not have returned home with a more embarrassed look. + 

XII + 

Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter, and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary, that upon this page and the three following, a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted to keep up that just balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold together a single year: nor is it a poor creeping digression (which but for the name of, a man might continue as well going on in the kingвАЩs highway) which will do the businessвБ†вЄЇвБ†no; if it is to be a digression, it must be a good frisky one, and upon a frisky subject too, where neither the horse or his rider are to be caught, but by rebound. + 

The only difficulty, is raising powers suitable to the nature of the service: Fancy is capriciousвБ†вАФWit must not be searched forвБ†вАФand Pleasantry (good-natured slut as she is) will not come in at a call, was an empire to be laid at her feet. + 

вЄЇвБ†The best way for a man is to say his prayersвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Only if it puts him in mind of his infirmities and defects as well ghostly as bodilyвБ†вАФfor that purpose, he will find himself rather worse after he has said them than beforeвБ†вАФfor other purposes, better. + 

For my own part, there is not a way either moral or mechanical under heaven that I could think of, which I have not taken with myself in this case: sometimes by addressing myself directly to the soul herself, and arguing the point over and over again with her upon the extent of her own facultiesвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I never could make them an inch the widerвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Then by changing my system, and trying what could be made of it upon the body, by temperance, soberness, and chastity: These are good, quoth I, in themselvesвБ†вАФthey are good, absolutely;вБ†вАФthey are good, relatively;вБ†вАФthey are good for healthвБ†вАФthey are good for happiness in this worldвБ†вАФthey are good for happiness in the nextвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

In short, they were good for everything but the thing wanted; and there they were good for nothing, but to leave the soul just as heaven made it: as for the theological virtues of faith and hope, they give it courage; but then that snivelling virtue of Meekness (as my father would always call it) takes it quite away again, so you are exactly where you started. + 

Now in all common and ordinary cases, there is nothing which I have found to answer so well as thisвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Certainly, if there is any dependence upon Logic, and that I am not blinded by self-love, there must be something of true genius about me, merely upon this symptom of it, that I do not know what envy is: for never do I hit upon any invention or device which tendeth to the furtherance of good writing, but I instantly make it public; willing that all mankind should write as well as myself. + 

вЄЇвБ†Which they certainly will, when they think as little. + 

XIII + 

Now in ordinary cases, that is, when I am only stupid, and the thoughts rise heavily and pass gummous through my penвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Or that I am got, I know not how, into a cold unmetaphorical vein of infamous writing, and cannot take a plumb-lift out of it for my soul; so must be obliged to go on writing like a Dutch commentator to the end of the chapter, unless something be doneвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I never stand conferring with pen and ink one moment; for if a pinch of snuff, or a stride or two across the room will not do the business for meвБ†вАФI take a razor at once; and having tried the edge of it upon the palm of my hand, without further ceremony, except that of first lathering my beard, I shave it off; taking care only if I do leave a hair, that it be not a grey one: this done, I change my shirtвБ†вАФput on a better coatвБ†вАФsend for my last wigвБ†вАФput my topaz ring upon my finger; and in a word, dress myself from one end to the other of me, after my best fashion. + 

Now the devil in hell must be in it, if this does not do: for consider, Sir, as every man chooses to be present at the shaving of his own beard (though there is no rule without an exception), and unavoidably sits over-against himself the whole time it is doing, in case he has a hand in itвБ†вАФthe Situation, like all others, has notions of her own to put into the brain.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I maintain it, the conceits of a rough-bearded man, are seven years more terse and juvenile for one single operation; and if they did not run a risk of being quite shaved away, might be carried up by continual shavings, to the highest pitch of sublimityвБ†вАФHow Homer could write with so long a beard, I donвАЩt knowвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as it makes against my hypothesis, I as little careвБ†вЄЇвБ†But let us return to the Toilet. + 

Ludovicus Sorbonensis makes this entirely an affair of the body (бЉРќЊѕЙѕДќµѕБќєќЇбљі ѕАѕБбЊґќЊќєѕВ) as he calls itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but he is deceived: the soul and body are joint-sharers in everything they get: A man cannot dress, but his ideas get clothвАЩd at the same time; and if he dresses like a gentleman, every one of them stands presented to his imagination, genteelized along with himвБ†вАФso that he has nothing to do, but take his pen, and write like himself. + 

For this cause, when your honours and reverences would know whether I writ clean and fit to be read, you will be able to judge full as well by looking into my LaundressвАЩs bill, as my book: there was one single month in which I can make it appear, that I dirtied one and thirty shirts with clean writing; and after all, was more abusвАЩd, cursed, criticisвАЩd, and confounded, and had more mystic heads shaken at me, for what I had wrote in that one month, than in all the other months of that year put together. + 

вЄЇвБ†But their honours and reverences had not seen my bills. + 

XIV + 

As I never had any intention of beginning the Digression I am making all this preparation for, till I come to the 15th chapterвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have this chapter to put to whatever use I think properвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have twenty this moment ready for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†I could write my chapter of Buttonholes in itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Or my chapter of Pishes, which should follow themвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Or my chapter of Knots, in case their reverences have done with themвБ†вЄЇвБ†they might lead me into mischief: the safest way is to follow the track of the learned, and raise objections against what I have been writing, though I declare beforehand, I know no more than my heels how to answer them. + 

And first, it may be said, there is a pelting kind of thersitical satire, as black as the very ink вАЩtis wrote withвБ†вЄЇ(and by the by, whoever says so, is indebted to the muster-master general of the Grecian army, for suffering the name of so ugly and foul-mouthвАЩd a man as Thersites to continue upon his rollвБ†вЄЇвБ†for it has furnishвАЩd him with an epithet)вБ†вЄЇвБ†in these productions he will urge, all the personal washings and scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius no sort of goodвБ†вЄЇвБ†but just the contrary, inasmuch as the dirtier the fellow is, the better generally he succeeds in it. + 

To this, I have no other answerвБ†вЄЇвБ†at least readyвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the Archbishop of Benevento wrote his nasty Romance of the Galatea, as all the world knows, in a purple coat, waistcoat, and purple pair of breeches; and that the penance set him of writing a commentary upon the book of the Revelations, as severe as it was lookвАЩd upon by one part of the world, was far from being deemвАЩd so by the other, upon the single account of that Investment. + 

Another objection, to all this remedy, is its want of universality; forasmuch as the shaving part of it, upon which so much stress is laid, by an unalterable law of nature excludes one half of the species entirely from its use: all I can say is, that female writers, whether of England, or of France, must eвАЩen go without itвБ†вЄї + 

As for the Spanish ladiesвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am in no sort of distressвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

XV + 

The fifteenth chapter is come at last; and brings nothing with it but a sad signature of вАЬHow our pleasures slip from under us in this world!вАЭ + 

For in talking of my digressionвБ†вЄЇвБ†I declare before heaven I have made it! What a strange creature is mortal man! said she. + 

вАЩTis very true, said IвБ†вЄЇвБ†but вАЩtwere better to get all these things out of our heads, and return to my uncle Toby. + 

XVI + 

When my uncle Toby and the corporal had marched down to the bottom of the avenue, they recollected their business lay the other way; so they faced about and marched up straight to Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs door. + 

I warrant your honour; said the corporal, touching his Montero-cap with his hand, as he passed him in order to give a knock at the doorвБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby, contrary to his invariable way of treating his faithful servant, said nothing good or bad: the truth was, he had not altogether marshalвАЩd his ideas; he wishвАЩd for another conference, and as the corporal was mounting up the three steps before the doorвБ†вАФhe hemвАЩd twiceвБ†вАФa portion of my uncle TobyвАЩs most modest spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards the corporal; he stood with the rapper of the door suspended for a full minute in his hand, he scarce knew why. Bridget stood perdue within, with her finger and her thumb upon the latch, benumbвАЩd with expectation; and Mrs.¬†Wadman, with an eye ready to be deflowered again, sat breathless behind the window-curtain of her bedchamber, watching their approach. + 

Trim! said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†but as he articulated the word, the minute expired, and Trim let fall the rapper. + 

My uncle Toby perceiving that all hopes of a conference were knockвАЩd on the head by itвБ†вЄїwhistled Lillabullero. + 

XVII + 

As Mrs.¬†BridgetвАЩs finger and thumb were upon the latch, the corporal did not knock as oft as perchance your honourвАЩs tailorвБ†вЄЇвБ†I might have taken my example something nearer home; for I owe mine, some five and twenty pounds at least, and wonder at the manвАЩs patienceвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†But this is nothing at all to the world: only вАЩtis a cursed thing to be in debt, and there seems to be a fatality in the exchequers of some poor princes, particularly those of our house, which no Economy can bind down in irons: for my own part, IвАЩm persuaded there is not any one prince, prelate, pope, or potentate, great or small upon earth, more desirous in his heart of keeping straight with the world than I amвБ†вЄЇвБ†or who takes more likely means for it. I never give above half a guineaвБ†вЄЇвБ†or walk with bootsвБ†вЄЇвБ†or cheapen toothpicksвБ†вЄЇвБ†or lay out a shilling upon a bandbox the year round; and for the six months IвАЩm in the country, IвАЩm upon so small a scale, that with all the good temper in the world, I outdo Rousseau, a bar lengthвБ†вЄїfor I keep neither man or boy, or horse, or cow, or dog, or cat, or anything that can eat or drink, except a thin poor piece of a Vestal (to keep my fire in), and who has generally as bad an appetite as myselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†but if you think this makes a philosopher of meвБ†вЄЇвБ†I would not my good people! give a rush for your judgments. + 

True philosophyвБ†вЄЇвБ†but there is no treating the subject whilst my uncle is whistling Lillabullero. + 

вЄЇвБ†Let us go into the house. + 

XVIII + 

XIX + 

XX + 

вЄї* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * + 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†You shall see the very place, Madam; said my uncle Toby. + 

Mrs.¬†Wadman blushвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†lookвАЩd towards the doorвБ†вЄЇвБ†turnвАЩd paleвБ†вЄЇвБ†blushвАЩd slightly againвБ†вЄЇвБ†recoverвАЩd her natural colourвБ†вЄЇвБ†blushвАЩd worse than ever; which, for the sake of the unlearned reader, I translate thusвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬLвБ†вЄЇвБ†d! I cannot look at itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

What would the world say if I lookвАЩd at it? + 

I should drop down, if I lookвАЩd at itвБ†вАФ + 

I wish I could look at itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

There can be no sin in looking at it. + 

вЄЇвБ†I will look at it.вАЭ + 

Whilst all this was running through Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs imagination, my uncle Toby had risen from the sofa, and got to the other side of the parlour door, to give Trim an order about it in the passageвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

* * * * * * * * * * *вБ†вЄЇвБ†I believe it is in the garret, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I saw it there, anвАЩ please your honour, this morning, answered TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then prithee, step directly for it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and bring it into the parlour. + 

The corporal did not approve of the orders, but most cheerfully obeyed them. The first was not an act of his willвБ†вАФthe second was; so he put on his Montero-cap, and went as fast as his lame knee would let him. My uncle Toby returned into the parlour, and sat himself down again upon the sofa. + 

вЄЇвБ†You shall lay your finger upon the placeвБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I will not touch it, however, quoth Mrs.¬†Wadman to herself. + 

This requires a second translation:вБ†вАФit shows what little knowledge is got by mere wordsвБ†вАФwe must go up to the first springs. + 

Now in order to clear up the mist which hangs upon these three pages, I must endeavour to be as clear as possible myself. + 

Rub your hands thrice across your foreheadsвБ†вАФblow your nosesвБ†вАФcleanse your emunctoriesвБ†вАФsneeze, my good people!вБ†вЄЇвБ†God bless youвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Now give me all the help you can. + 

XXI + 

As there are fifty different ends (counting all ends inвБ†вЄЇвБ†as well civil as religious) for which a woman takes a husband, she first sets about and carefully weighs, then separates and distinguishes in her mind, which of all that number of ends is hers: then by discourse, enquiry, argumentation, and inference, she investigates and finds out whether she has got hold of the right oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if she hasвБ†вЄЇвБ†then, by pulling it gently this way and that way, she further forms a judgment, whether it will not break in the drawing. + 

The imagery under which Slawkenbergius impresses this upon the readerвАЩs fancy, in the beginning of his third Decad, is so ludicrous, that the honour I bear the sex, will not suffer me to quote itвБ†вЄЇвБ†otherwise it is not destitute of humour. + 

вАЬShe first, saith Slawkenbergius, stops the asse, and holding his halter in her left hand (lest he should get away) she thrusts her right hand into the very bottom of his pannier to search for itвБ†вАФFor what?вБ†вАФyouвАЩll not know the sooner, quoth Slawkenbergius, for interrupting meвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬI have nothing, good Lady, but empty bottles;вАЭ says the asse. + 

вАЬIвАЩm loaded with tripes;вАЭ says the second. + 

вЄЇвБ†And thou art little better, quoth she to the third; for nothing is there in thy panniers but trunk-hose and pantoflesвБ†вАФand so to the fourth and fifth, going on one by one through the whole string, till coming to the asse which carries it, she turns the pannier upside down, looks at itвБ†вАФconsiders itвБ†вАФsamples itвБ†вАФmeasures itвБ†вАФstretches itвБ†вАФwets itвБ†вАФdries itвБ†вАФthen takes her teeth both to the warp and weft of it. + 

вЄЇвБ†Of what? for the love of Christ! + 

I am determined, answered Slawkenbergius, that all the powers upon earth shall never wring that secret from my breast. + 

XXII + 

We live in a world beset on all sides with mysteries and riddlesвБ†вАФand so вАЩtis no matterвБ†вЄЇвБ†else it seems strange, that Nature, who makes everything so well to answer its destination, and seldom or never errs, unless for pastime, in giving such forms and aptitudes to whatever passes through her hands, that whether she designs for the plough, the caravan, the cartвБ†вАФor whatever other creature she models, be it but an asseвАЩs foal, you are sure to have the thing you wanted; and yet at the same time should so eternally bungle it as she does, in making so simple a thing as a married man. + 

Whether it is in the choice of the clayвБ†вЄЇвБ†or that it is frequently spoiled in the baking; by an excess of which a husband may turn out too crusty (you know) on one handвБ†вЄЇвБ†or not enough so, through defect of heat, on the otherвБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether this great Artificer is not so attentive to the little Platonic exigences of that part of the species, for whose use she is fabricating thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†or that her Ladyship sometimes scarce knows what sort of a husband will doвБ†вЄЇвБ†I know not: we will discourse about it after supper. + 

It is enough, that neither the observation itself, or the reasoning upon it, are at all to the purposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†but rather against it; since with regard to my uncle TobyвАЩs fitness for the marriage state, nothing was ever better: she had formed him of the best and kindliest clayвБ†вЄЇвБ†had temperвАЩd it with her own milk, and breathed into it the sweetest spiritвБ†вЄЇвБ†she had made him all gentle, generous, and humaneвБ†вЄЇвБ†she had filled his heart with trust and confidence, and disposed every passage which led to it, for the communication of the tenderest officesвБ†вЄЇвБ†she had moreover considered the other causes for which matrimony was ordainedвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And accordingly * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * + 

The donation was not defeated by my uncle TobyвАЩs wound. + 

Now this last article was somewhat apocryphal; and the Devil, who is the great disturber of our faiths in this world, had raised scruples in Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs brain about it; and like a true devil as he was, had done his own work at the same time, by turning my uncle TobyвАЩs Virtue thereupon into nothing but empty bottles, tripes, trunk-hose, and pantofles. + 

XXIII + 

Mrs.¬†Bridget had pawnвАЩd all the little stock of honour a poor chambermaid was worth in the world, that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days; and it was built upon one of the most concessible postulata in nature: namely, that whilst my uncle Toby was making love to her mistress, the corporal could find nothing better to do, than make love to herвБ†вЄЇвАЬAnd IвАЩll let him as much as he will, said Bridget, to get it out of him.вАЭ + 

Friendship has two garments; an outer and an under one. Bridget was serving her mistressвАЩs interests in the oneвБ†вАФand doing the thing which most pleased herself in the other; so had as many stakes depending upon my uncle TobyвАЩs wound, as the Devil himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†Mrs.¬†Wadman had but oneвБ†вАФand as it possibly might be her last (without discouraging Mrs.¬†Bridget, or discrediting her talents) was determined to play her cards herself. + 

She wanted not encouragement: a child might have lookвАЩd into his handвБ†вЄЇвБ†there was such a plainness and simplicity in his playing out what trumps he hadвБ†вЄЇвБ†with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the ten-aceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and so naked and defenceless did he sit upon the same sofa with widow Wadman, that a generous heart would have wept to have won the game of him. + 

Let us drop the metaphor. + 

XXIV + 

вЄЇвБ†And the story tooвБ†вАФif you please: for though I have all along been hastening towards this part of it, with so much earnest desire, as well knowing it to be the choicest morsel of what I had to offer to the world, yet now that I am got to it, anyone is welcome to take my pen, and go on with the story for me that willвБ†вАФI see the difficulties of the descriptions IвАЩm going to giveвБ†вАФand feel my want of powers. + 

It is one comfort at least to me, that I lost some fourscore ounces of blood this week in a most uncritical fever which attacked me at the beginning of this chapter; so that I have still some hopes remaining, it may be more in the serous or globular parts of the blood, than in the subtle aura of the brainвБ†вЄЇвБ†be it which it willвБ†вАФan Invocation can do no hurtвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I leave the affair entirely to the invoked, to inspire or to inject me according as he sees good. + 

The Invocation + 

Gentle Spirit of sweetest humour, who erst did sit upon the easy pen of my beloved Cervantes; Thou who glidedвАЩst daily through his lattice, and turnedвАЩst the twilight of his prison into noonday brightness by thy presenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†tingedвАЩst his little urn of water with heaven-sent nectar, and all the time he wrote of Sancho and his master, didst cast thy mystic mantle oвАЩer his witherвАЩd stump, and wide extended it to all the evils of his lifeвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Turn in hither, I beseech thee!вБ†вЄЇвБ†behold these breeches!вБ†вЄЇвБ†they are all I have in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†that piteous rent was given them at LyonsвБ†вЄї + 

My shirts! see what a deadly schism has happenвАЩd amongst вАЩemвБ†вАФfor the laps are in Lombardy, and the rest of вАЩem hereвБ†вАФI never had but six, and a cunning gypsey of a laundress at Milan cut me off the fore-laps of fiveвБ†вАФTo do her justice, she did it with some considerationвБ†вАФfor I was returning out of Italy. + 

And yet, notwithstanding all this, and a pistol tinderbox which was moreover filchвАЩd from me at Sienna, and twice that I payвАЩd five Pauls for two hard eggs, once at Raddicoffini, and a second time at CapuaвБ†вАФI do not think a journey through France and Italy, provided a man keeps his temper all the way, so bad a thing as some people would make you believe: there must be ups and downs, or how the duce should we get into vallies where Nature spreads so many tables of entertainment.вБ†вАФвАЩTis nonsense to imagine they will lend you their voitures to be shaken to pieces for nothing; and unless you pay twelve sous for greasing your wheels, how should the poor peasant get butter to his bread?вБ†вАФWe really expect too muchвБ†вАФand for the livre or two above par for your suppers and bedвБ†вАФat the most they are but one shilling and ninepence halfpennyвБ†вЄЇвБ†who would embroil their philosophy for it? for heavenвАЩs and for your own sake, pay itвБ†вЄЇвБ†pay it with both hands open, rather than leave Disappointment sitting drooping upon the eye of your fair Hostess and her Damsels in the gateway, at your departureвБ†вЄЇвБ†and besides, my dear Sir, you get a sisterly kiss of each of вАЩem worth a poundвБ†вЄЇвБ†at least I didвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†For my uncle TobyвАЩs amours running all the way in my head, they had the same effect upon me as if they had been my ownвБ†вЄЇвБ†I was in the most perfect state of bounty and goodwill; and felt the kindliest harmony vibrating within me, with every oscillation of the chaise alike; so that whether the roads were rough or smooth, it made no difference; everything I saw or had to do with, touchвАЩd upon some secret spring either of sentiment or rapture. + 

вЄЇвБ†They were the sweetest notes I ever heard; and I instantly let down the fore-glass to hear them more distinctlyвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis Maria; said the postillion, observing I was listeningвБ†вЄЇвБ†Poor Maria, continued he (leaning his body on one side to let me see her, for he was in a line betwixt us), is sitting upon a bank playing her vespers upon her pipe, with her little goat beside her. + 

The young fellow utterвАЩd this with an accent and a look so perfectly in tune to a feeling heart, that I instantly made a vow, I would give him a four-and-twenty sous piece, when I got to MoulinsвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄїAnd who is poor Maria? said I. + 

The love and piety of all the villages around us; said the postillionвБ†вЄЇвБ†it is but three years ago, that the sun did not shine upon so fair, so quick-witted and amiable a maid; and better fate did Maria deserve, than to have her Banns forbid, by the intrigues of the curate of the parish who published themвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

He was going on, when Maria, who had made a short pause, put the pipe to her mouth, and began the air againвБ†вЄЇвБ†they were the same notes;вБ†вЄЇвБ†yet were ten times sweeter: It is the evening service to the Virgin, said the young manвБ†вЄЇвБ†but who has taught her to play itвБ†вАФor how she came by her pipe, no one knows; we think that heaven has assisted her in both; for ever since she has been unsettled in her mind, it seems her only consolationвБ†вЄЇвБ†she has never once had the pipe out of her hand, but plays that service upon it almost night and day. + 

The postillion delivered this with so much discretion and natural eloquence, that I could not help deciphering something in his face above his condition, and should have sifted out his history, had not poor Maria taken such full possession of me. + 

We had got up by this time almost to the bank where Maria was sitting: she was in a thin white jacket, with her hair, all but two tresses, drawn up into a silk-net, with a few olive leaves twisted a little fantastically on one sideвБ†вЄЇвБ†she was beautiful; and if ever I felt the full force of an honest heartache, it was the moment I saw herвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†God help her! poor damsel! above a hundred masses, said the postillion, have been said in the several parish churches and convents around, for her,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but without effect; we have still hopes, as she is sensible for short intervals, that the Virgin at last will restore her to herself; but her parents, who know her best, are hopeless upon that score, and think her senses are lost forever. + 

As the postillion spoke this, Maria made a cadence so melancholy, so tender and querulous, that I sprung out of the chaise to help her, and found myself sitting betwixt her and her goat before I relapsed from my enthusiasm. + 

Maria lookвАЩd wistfully for some time at me, and then at her goatвБ†вЄЇвБ†and then at meвБ†вЄЇвБ†and then at her goat again, and so on, alternatelyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Well, Maria, said I softlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†What resemblance do you find? + 

I do entreat the candid reader to believe me, that it was from the humblest conviction of what a Beast man is,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that I asked the question; and that I would not have let fallen an unseasonable pleasantry in the venerable presence of Misery, to be entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelais scatterвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†and yet I own my heart smote me, and that I so smarted at the very idea of it, that I swore I would set up for Wisdom, and utter grave sentences the rest of my daysвБ†вЄЇвБ†and neverвБ†вЄЇвБ†never attempt again to commit mirth with man, woman, or child, the longest day I had to live. + 

As for writing nonsense to themвБ†вЄЇвБ†I believe, there was a reserveвБ†вАФbut that I leave to the world. + 

Adieu, Maria!вБ†вАФadieu, poor hapless damsel!вБ†вЄЇвБ†some time, but not now, I may hear thy sorrows from thy own lipsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but I was deceived; for that moment she took her pipe and told me such a tale of woe with it, that I rose up, and with broken and irregular steps walkвАЩd softly to my chaise. + 

вЄїWhat an excellent inn at Moulins! + 

XXV + 

When we have got to the end of this chapter (but not before) we must all turn back to the two blank chapters, on the account of which my honour has lain bleeding this half hourвБ†вЄЇвБ†I stop it, by pulling off one of my yellow slippers and throwing it with all my violence to the opposite side of my room, with a declaration at the heel of itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†That whatever resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which are written in the world, or for aught I know may be now writing in itвБ†вАФthat it was as casual as the foam of Zeuxis his horse; besides, I look upon a chapter which has only nothing in it, with respect; and considering what worse things there are in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†That it is no way a proper subject for satireвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Why then was it left so? And here without staying for my reply, shall I be called as many blockheads, numsculs, doddypoles, dunderheads, ninny-hammers, goosecaps, joltheads, nincompoops, and shвБ†вЄЇвБ†t-a-bedsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and other unsavoury appellations, as ever the cake-bakers of Lern√® cast in the teeth of King GarangantanвАЩs shepherdsвБ†вЄЇвБ†And IвАЩll let them do it, as Bridget said, as much as they please; for how was it possible they should foresee the necessity I was under of writing the 25th chapter of my book, before the 18th, etc.? + 

вЄїSo I donвАЩt take it amissвБ†вЄЇвБ†All I wish is, that it may be a lesson to the world, вАЬto let people tell their stories their own way.вАЭ + 

The Eighteenth Chapter + 

As Mrs.¬†Bridget opened the door before the corporal had well given the rap, the interval betwixt that and my uncle TobyвАЩs introduction into the parlour, was so short, that Mrs.¬†Wadman had but just time to get from behind the curtainвБ†вЄЇвБ†lay a Bible upon the table, and advance a step or two towards the door to receive him. + 

My uncle Toby saluted Mrs.¬†Wadman, after the manner in which women were saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven hundred and thirteenвБ†вЄЇвБ†then facing about, he marchвАЩd up abreast with her to the sofa, and in three plain wordsвБ†вЄЇвБ†though not before he was sat downвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor after he was sat downвБ†вЄЇвБ†but as he was sitting down, told her, вАЬhe was in loveвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that my uncle Toby strained himself more in the declaration than he needed. + 

Mrs.¬†Wadman naturally looked down, upon a slit she had been darning up in her apron, in expectation every moment, that my uncle Toby would go on; but having no talents for amplification, and Love moreover of all others being a subject of which he was the least a masterвБ†вЄЇвБ†When he had told Mrs.¬†Wadman once that he loved her, he let it alone, and left the matter to work after its own way. + 

My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle TobyвАЩs, as he falsely called it, and would often say, that could his brother Toby to his process have added but a pipe of tobaccoвБ†вЄЇвБ†he had wherewithal to have found his way, if there was faith in a Spanish proverb, towards the hearts of half the women upon the globe. + 

My uncle Toby never understood what my father meant; nor will I presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which the bulk of the world lie underвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the French every one of вАЩem to a man, who believe in it, almost, as much as the real presence, вАЬThat talking of love, is making it.вАЭ + 

вЄїI would as soon set about making a black-pudding by the same receipt. + 

Let us go on: Mrs.¬†Wadman sat in expectation my uncle Toby would do so, to almost the first pulsation of that minute, wherein silence on one side or the other, generally becomes indecent: so edging herself a little more towards him, and raising up her eyes, sub-blushing, as she did itвБ†вЄЇвБ†she took up the gauntletвБ†вЄЇвБ†or the discourse (if you like it better) and communed with my uncle Toby, thus: + 

The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state, quoth Mrs.¬†Wadman, are very great. I suppose soвБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby: and therefore when a person, continued Mrs.¬†Wadman, is so much at his ease as you areвБ†вАФso happy, captain Shandy, in yourself, your friends and your amusementsвБ†вАФI wonder, what reasons can incline you to the stateвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†They are written, quoth my uncle Toby, in the Common-Prayer Book. + 

Thus far my uncle Toby went on warily, and kept within his depth, leaving Mrs.¬†Wadman to sail upon the gulf as she pleased. + 

вЄЇвБ†As for childrenвБ†вАФsaid Mrs.¬†WadmanвБ†вАФthough a principal end perhaps of the institution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of every parentвБ†вАФyet do not we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very uncertain comforts? and what is there, dear sir, to pay one for the heartachesвБ†вАФwhat compensation for the many tender and disquieting apprehensions of a suffering and defenceless mother who brings them into life? I declare, said my uncle Toby, smit with pity, I know of none; unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased GodвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

A fiddlestick! quoth she. + 

Chapter the Nineteenth + 

Now there are such an infinitude of notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs, looks, and accents with which the word fiddlestick may be pronounced in all such causes as this, every one of вАЩem impressing a sense and meaning as different from the other, as dirt from cleanlinessвБ†вАФThat Casuists (for it is an affair of conscience on that score) reckon up no less than fourteen thousand in which you may do either right or wrong. + 

Mrs.¬†Wadman hit upon the fiddlestick, which summoned up all my uncle TobyвАЩs modest blood into his cheeksвБ†вАФso feeling within himself that he had somehow or other got beyond his depth, he stopped short; and without entering further either into the pains or pleasures of matrimony, he laid his hand upon his heart, and made an offer to take them as they were, and share them along with her. + 

When my uncle Toby had said this, he did not care to say it again; so casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs.¬†Wadman had laid upon the table, he took it up; and popping, dear soul! upon a passage in it, of all others the most interesting to himвБ†вАФwhich was the siege of JerichoвБ†вАФhe set himself to read it overвБ†вАФleaving his proposal of marriage, as he had done his declaration of love, to work with her after its own way. Now it wrought neither as an astringent or a loosener; nor like opium, or bark, or mercury, or buckthorn, or any one drug which nature had bestowed upon the worldвБ†вАФin short, it workвАЩd not at all in her; and the cause of that was, that there was something working there beforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Babbler that I am! I have anticipated what it was a dozen times; but there is fire still in the subjectвБ†вЄЇвБ†allons. + 

XXVI + 

It is natural for a perfect stranger who is going from London to Edinburgh, to enquire before he sets out, how many miles to York; which is about the halfwayвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor does anybody wonder, if he goes on and asks about the corporation, etc.вБ†вАФ + 

It was just as natural for Mrs.¬†Wadman, whose first husband was all his time afflicted with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far from the hip to the groin; and how far she was likely to suffer more or less in her feelings, in the one case than in the other. + 

She had accordingly read DrakeвАЩs anatomy from one end to the other. She had peeped into Wharton upon the brain, and borrowed Graaf upon the bones and muscles; but could make nothing of it. + 

She had reasonвАЩd likewise from her own powersвБ†вЄЇвБ†laid down theoremsвБ†вЄЇвБ†drawn consequences, and come to no conclusion. + 

To clear up all, she had twice asked Doctor Slop, вАЬif poor captain Shandy was ever likely to recover of his woundвБ†вЄЇ?вАЭ + 

вЄЇвБ†He is recovered, Doctor Slop would sayвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

What! quite? + 

Quite: madamвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But what do you mean by a recovery? Mrs.¬†Wadman would say. + 

Doctor Slop was the worst man alive at definitions; and so Mrs.¬†Wadman could get no knowledge: in short, there was no way to extract it, but from my uncle Toby himself. + 

There is an accent of humanity in an enquiry of this kind which lulls Suspicion to restвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I am half persuaded the serpent got pretty near it, in his discourse with Eve; for the propensity in the sex to be deceived could not be so great, that she should have boldness to hold chat with the devil, without itвБ†вЄЇвБ†But there is an accent of humanityвБ†вЄЇвБ†how shall I describe it?вБ†вАФвАЩtis an accent which covers the part with a garment, and gives the enquirer a right to be as particular with it, as your body-surgeon. + 

вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Was it without remission?вБ†вАФ + 

вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Was it more tolerable in bed? + 

вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Could he lie on both sides alike with it? + 

вАЬвБ†вАФWas he able to mount a horse? + 

вАЬвБ†вАФWas motion bad for it?вАЭ et cetera, were so tenderly spoke to, and so directed towards my uncle TobyвАЩs heart, that every item of them sunk ten times deeper into it than the evils themselvesвБ†вЄЇвБ†but when Mrs.¬†Wadman went round about by Namur to get at my uncle TobyвАЩs groin; and engaged him to attack the point of the advanced counterscarp, and p√™le m√™le with the Dutch to take the counterguard of St.¬†Roch sword in handвБ†вАФand then with tender notes playing upon his ear, led him all bleeding by the hand out of the trench, wiping her eye, as he was carried to his tentвБ†вЄЇвБ†Heaven! Earth! Sea!вБ†вАФall was lifted upвБ†вАФthe springs of nature rose above their levelsвБ†вАФan angel of mercy sat besides him on the sofaвБ†вАФhis heart glowвАЩd with fireвБ†вАФand had he been worth a thousand, he had lost every heart of them to Mrs.¬†Wadman. + 

вАФAnd whereabouts, dear Sir, quoth Mrs.¬†Wadman, a little categorically, did you receive this sad blow?вБ†вЄЇвБ†In asking this question, Mrs.¬†Wadman gave a slight glance towards the waistband of my uncle TobyвАЩs red plush breeches, expecting naturally, as the shortest reply to it, that my uncle Toby would lay his forefinger upon the placeвБ†вЄЇвБ†It fell out otherwiseвБ†вЄЇвБ†for my uncle Toby having got his wound before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas, in one of the traverses of the trench opposite to the salient angle of the demibastion of St.¬†Roch; he could at any time stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where he was standing when the stone struck him: this struck instantly upon my uncle TobyвАЩs sensoriumвБ†вЄЇвБ†and with it, struck his large map of the town and citadel of Namur and its environs, which he had purchased and pasted down upon a board, by the corporalвАЩs aid, during his long illnessвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had lain with other military lumber in the garret ever since, and accordingly the corporal was detached into the garret to fetch it. + 

My uncle Toby measured off thirty toises, with Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs scissors, from the returning angle before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas; and with such a virgin modesty laid her finger upon the place, that the goddess of Decency, if then in beingвБ†вАФif not, вАЩtwas her shadeвБ†вАФshook her head, and with a finger wavering across her eyesвБ†вАФforbid her to explain the mistake. + 

Unhappy Mrs.¬†Wadman! + 

вЄЇвБ†For nothing can make this chapter go off with spirit but an apostrophe to theeвБ†вЄЇвБ†but my heart tells me, that in such a crisis an apostrophe is but an insult in disguise, and ere I would offer one to a woman in distressвБ†вАФlet the chapter go to the devil; provided any damnвАЩd critic in keeping will be but at the trouble to take it with him. + 

XXVII + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs Map is carried down into the kitchen. + 

XXVIII + 

вЄЇвБ†And here is the MaesвБ†вАФand this is the Sambre; said the corporal, pointing with his right hand extended a little towards the map and his left upon Mrs.¬†BridgetвАЩs shoulderвБ†вЄЇвБ†but not the shoulder next himвБ†вАФand this, said he, is the town of NamurвБ†вАФand this the citadelвБ†вАФand there lay the FrenchвБ†вАФand here lay his honour and myselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†and in this cursed trench, Mrs.¬†Bridget, quoth the corporal, taking her by the hand, did he receive the wound which crushвАЩd him so miserably here.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In pronouncing which, he slightly pressвАЩd the back of her hand towards the part he felt forвБ†вЄЇвБ†and let it fall. + 

We thought, Mr.¬†Trim, it had been more in the middle,вБ†вЄЇвБ†said Mrs.¬†BridgetвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

That would have undone us foreverвБ†вАФsaid the corporal. + 

вЄЇвБ†And left my poor mistress undone too, said Bridget. + 

The corporal made no reply to the repartee, but by giving Mrs.¬†Bridget a kiss. + 

ComeвБ†вАФcomeвБ†вАФsaid BridgetвБ†вАФholding the palm of her left hand parallel to the plane of the horizon, and sliding the fingers of the other over it, in a way which could not have been done, had there been the least wart or protuberanceвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis every syllable of it false, cried the corporal, before she had half finished the sentenceвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФI know it to be fact, said Bridget, from credible witnesses. + 

вЄїUpon my honour, said the corporal, laying his hand upon his heart and blushing, as he spoke, with honest resentmentвБ†вАФвАЩtis a story, Mrs.¬†Bridget, as false as hellвБ†вЄЇвБ†Not, said Bridget, interrupting him, that either I or my mistress care a halfpenny about it, whether вАЩtis so or noвБ†вЄїonly that when one is married, one would choose to have such a thing by one at leastвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs.¬†Bridget, that she had begun the attack with her manual exercise; for the corporal instantly * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *. + 

XXIX + 

It was like the momentary contest in the moist eyelids of an April morning, вАЬWhether Bridget should laugh or cry.вАЭ + 

She snatched up a rolling-pinвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas ten to one, she had laughвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

She laid it downвБ†вЄЇвБ†she cried; and had one single tear of вАЩem but tasted of bitterness, full sorrowful would the corporalвАЩs heart have been that he had used the argument; but the corporal understood the sex, a¬†quart major to a terce at least, better than my uncle Toby, and accordingly he assailed Mrs.¬†Bridget after this manner. + 

I know, Mrs.¬†Bridget, said the corporal, giving her a most respectful kiss, that thou art good and modest by nature, and art withal so generous a girl in thyself, that, if I know thee rightly, thou wouldвАЩst not wound an insect, much less the honour of so gallant and worthy a soul as my master, wast thou sure to be made a countess ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†but thou hast been set on, and deluded, dear Bridget, as is often a womanвАЩs case, вАЬto please others more than themselvesвБ†вЄЇвАЭ + 

BridgetвАЩs eyes poured down at the sensations the corporal excited. + 

вЄЇвБ†Tell meвБ†вЄЇвБ†tell me, then, my dear Bridget, continued the corporal, taking hold of her hand, which hung down dead by her side,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and, giving a second kissвБ†вЄЇвБ†whose suspicion has misled thee? + 

Bridget sobbвАЩd a sob or twoвБ†вЄЇвБ†then openвАЩd her eyesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal wiped вАЩem with the bottom of her apronвБ†вЄЇвБ†she then openвАЩd her heart and told him all. + 

XXX + 

My uncle Toby and the corporal had gone on separately with their operations the greatest part of the campaign, and as effectually cut off from all communication of what either the one or the other had been doing, as if they had been separated from each other by the Maes or the Sambre. + 

My uncle Toby, on his side, had presented himself every afternoon in his red and silver, and blue and gold alternately, and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be attacksвБ†вАФand so had nothing to communicateвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The corporal, on his side, in taking Bridget, by it had gainвАЩd considerable advantagesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and consequently had much to communicateвБ†вЄЇвБ†but what were the advantagesвБ†вЄЇвБ†as well as what was the manner by which he had seizвАЩd them, required so nice an historian, that the corporal durst not venture upon it; and as sensible as he was of glory, would rather have been contented to have gone bareheaded and without laurels forever, than torture his masterвАЩs modesty for a single momentвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Best of honest and gallant servants!вБ†вЄЇвБ†But I have apostrophizвАЩd thee, Trim! once beforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and could I apotheosize thee also (that is to say) with good companyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I would do it without ceremony in the very next page. + 

XXXI + 

Now my uncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to himself upon his finger ends (beginning at his thumb) all Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs perfections one by one; and happening two or three times together, either by omitting some, or counting others twice over, to puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle fingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†Prithee, Trim! said he, taking up his pipe again,вБ†вЄЇвБ†bring me a pen and ink: Trim brought paper also. + 

Take a full sheetвБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim! said my uncle Toby, making a sign with his pipe at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table. The corporal obeyedвБ†вЄЇвБ†placed the paper directly before himвБ†вЄЇвБ†took a pen, and dippвАЩd it in the ink. + 

вАФShe has a thousand virtues, Trim! said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Am I to set them down, anвАЩ please your honour? quoth the corporal. + 

вЄЇвБ†But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle Toby; for of them all, Trim, that which wins me most, and which is a security for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her characterвБ†вАФI protest, added my uncle Toby, looking up, as he protested it, towards the top of the ceilingвБ†вЄЇвБ†That was I her brother, Trim, a thousand fold, she could not make more constant or more tender enquiries after my sufferingsвБ†вЄЇвБ†though now no more. + 

The corporal made no reply to my uncle TobyвАЩs protestation, but by a short coughвБ†вАФhe dippвАЩd the pen a second time into the inkhorn; and my uncle Toby, pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as he could get itвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal wrote down the word humanity -¬†-¬†-¬†- thus. + 

Prithee, corporal, said my uncle Toby, as soon as Trim had done itвБ†вЄїhow often does Mrs.¬†Bridget enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee, which thou receivedвАЩst at the battle of Landen? + 

She never, anвАЩ please your honour, enquires after it at all. + 

That, corporal, said my uncle Toby, with all the triumph the goodness of his nature would permitвБ†вЄЇвБ†That shows the difference in the character of the mistress and maidвБ†вЄЇвБ†had the fortune of war allotted the same mischance to me, Mrs.¬†Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred timesвБ†вЄЇвБ†She would have enquired, anвАЩ please your honour, ten times as often about your honourвАЩs groinвБ†вЄЇвБ†The pain, Trim, is equally excruciating,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and Compassion has as much to do with the one as the otherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†God bless your honour! cried the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†what has a womanвАЩs compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a manвАЩs knee? had your honourвАЩs been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of Landen, Mrs.¬†Wadman would have troubled her head as little about it as Bridget; because, added the corporal, lowering his voice, and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned his reasonвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬThe knee is such a distance from the main bodyвБ†вЄЇвБ†whereas the groin, your honour knows, is upon the very curtain of the place.вАЭ + 

My uncle Toby gave a long whistleвБ†вЄЇвБ†but in a note which could scarce be heard across the table. + 

The corporal had advanced too far to retireвБ†вЄЇвБ†in three words he told the restвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as if it had been spun from the unravellings of a spiderвАЩs webвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄїLet us go to my brother ShandyвАЩs, said he. + 

XXXII + 

There will be just time, whilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to my fatherвАЩs, to inform you that Mrs.¬†Wadman had, some moons before this, made a confident of my mother; and that Mrs.¬†Bridget, who had the burden of her own, as well as her mistressвАЩs secret to carry, had got happily delivered of both to Susannah behind the garden-wall. + 

As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least bustle aboutвБ†вЄЇвБ†but Susannah was sufficient by herself for all the ends and purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a family secret; for she instantly imparted it by signs to JonathanвБ†вЄЇвБ†and Jonathan by tokens to the cook as she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who truckвАЩd it with the dairy maid for something of about the same valueвБ†вЄЇвБ†and though whisperвАЩd in the hayloft, Fame caught the notes with her brazen trumpet, and sounded them upon the housetopвБ†вАФIn a word, not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of my uncle TobyвАЩs siege, and what were the secret articles which had delayed the surrender.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis, by which means never man crucified Truth at the rate he didвБ†вЄЇвБ†had but just heard of the report as my uncle Toby set out; and catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to Yorick, notwithstanding my mother was sitting byвБ†вЄЇвБ†not only, вАЬThat the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was lust;вАЭ but that every evil and disorder in the world, of what kind or nature soever, from the first fall of Adam, down to my uncle TobyвАЩs (inclusive), was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite. + 

Yorick was just bringing my fatherвАЩs hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle Toby entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my fatherвАЩs eloquence rekindled against the passionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wrothвБ†вЄЇвБ†as soon as my uncle Toby was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner. + 

XXXIII + 

вЄЇвБ†That provision should be made for continuing the race of so great, so exalted and godlike a Being as manвБ†вАФI am far from denyingвБ†вАФbut philosophy speaks freely of everything; and therefore I still think and do maintain it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a passion which bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom, contemplations, and operations of the soul backwardsвБ†вЄЇвБ†a passion, my dear, continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which couples and equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of our caverns and hiding-places more like satyrs and four-footed beasts than men. + 

I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the Prolepsis), that in itself, and simply takenвБ†вЄЇвБ†like hunger, or thirst, or sleepвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis an affair neither good or badвБ†вАФor shameful or otherwise.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why then did the delicacy of Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against it? and wherefore, when we go about to make and plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what reason is it, that all the parts thereofвБ†вАФthe congredientsвБ†вАФthe preparationsвБ†вАФthe instruments, and whatever serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no language, translation, or periphrasis whatever? + 

вЄЇвБ†The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my father, raising his voiceвБ†вАФand turning to my uncle TobyвБ†вАФyou see, is gloriousвБ†вАФand the weapons by which we do it are honourableвБ†вЄЇвБ†We march with them upon our shouldersвБ†вЄЇвБ†We strut with them by our sidesвБ†вЄЇвБ†We gild themвБ†вЄЇвБ†We carve themвБ†вЄЇвБ†We inlay themвБ†вЄЇвБ†We enrich themвБ†вЄЇвБ†Nay, if it be but a scoundrel cannon, we cast an ornament upon the breach of it.вБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithetвБ†вЄЇвБ†and Yorick was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to piecesвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†When Obadiah broke into the middle of the room with a complaint, which cried out for an immediate hearing. + 

The case was this: + 

My father, whether by ancient custom of the manor, or as impropriator of the great tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the Parish, and Obadiah had led his cow upon a pop-visit to him one day or other the preceding summerвБ†вЄЇвБ†I say, one day or otherвБ†вАФbecause as chance would have it, it was the day on which he was married to my fatherвАЩs housemaidвБ†вЄЇвБ†so one was a reckoning to the other. Therefore when ObadiahвАЩs wife was brought to bedвБ†вАФObadiah thanked GodвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Now, said Obadiah, I shall have a calf: so Obadiah went daily to visit his cow. + 

SheвАЩll calve on MondayвБ†вАФon TuesdayвБ†вАФon Wednesday at the farthestвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The cow did not calveвБ†вЄЇвБ†noвБ†вАФsheвАЩll not calve till next weekвБ†вЄЇвБ†the cow put it off terriblyвБ†вЄЇвБ†till at the end of the sixth week ObadiahвАЩs suspicions (like a good manвАЩs) fell upon the Bull. + 

Now the parish being very large, my fatherвАЩs Bull, to speak the truth of him, was no way equal to the department; he had, however, got himself, somehow or other, thrust into employmentвБ†вАФand as he went through the business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of him. + 

вЄЇвБ†Most of the townsmen, anвАЩ please your worship, quoth Obadiah, believe that вАЩtis all the BullвАЩs faultвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning to Doctor Slop. + 

It never happens: said Dr.¬†Slop, but the manвАЩs wife may have come before her time naturally enoughвБ†вЄЇвБ†Prithee has the child hair upon his head?вБ†вАФadded Dr.¬†SlopвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†It is as hairy as I am; said Obadiah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Obadiah had not been shaved for three weeksвБ†вЄЇвБ†Wheu -¬†- u -¬†-¬†-¬†- u -¬†-¬†-¬†-¬†-¬†-¬†-¬†- cried my father; beginning the sentence with an exclamatory whistleвБ†вЄЇвБ†and so, brother Toby, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as ever pвБ†вЄЇвБ†ssвАЩd, and might have done for Europa herself in purer timesвБ†вЄЇвБ†had he but two legs less, might have been driven into Doctors Commons and lost his characterвБ†вЄЇвБ†which to a Town Bull, brother Toby, is the very same thing as his lifeвБ†вЄї + 

LвБ†вЄЇвБ†d! said my mother, what is all this story about?вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

A cock and a bull, said YorickвБ†вЄЇвБ†And one of the best of its kind, I ever heard. + 