XXXVIII
O Slawkenbergius! thou faithful analyzer of my DisgraziasвБ†вАФthou sad foreteller of so many of the whips and short turns which in one stage or other of my life have come slap upon me from the shortness of my nose, and no other cause, that I am conscious of.вБ†вАФTell me, Slawkenbergius! what secret impulse was it? what intonation of voice? whence came it? how did it sound in thy ears?вБ†вЄЇвБ†art thou sure thou heardвАЩst it?вБ†вЄЇвБ†which first cried out to theeвБ†вЄїgoвБ†вЄїgo, Slawkenbergius! dedicate the labours of thy lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†neglect thy pastimesвБ†вЄїcall forth all the powers and faculties of thy natureвБ†вЄЇвБ†macerate thyself in the service of mankind, and write a grand folio for them, upon the subject of their noses.
How the communication was conveyed into SlawkenbergiusвАЩs sensoriumвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that Slawkenbergius should know whose finger touchвАЩd the keyвБ†вАФand whose hand it was that blew the bellowsвБ†вЄЇвБ†as Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead and laid in his grave above fourscore and ten yearsвБ†вЄїwe can only raise conjectures.
Slawkenbergius was playвАЩd upon, for aught I know, like one of WhitefieldвАЩs disciplesвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, with such a distinct intelligence, Sir, of which of the two masters it was that had been practising upon his instrumentвБ†вЄїas to make all reasoning upon it needless.
вЄїFor in the account which Hafen Slawkenbergius gives the world of his motives and occasions for writing, and spending so many years of his life upon this one workвБ†вАФtowards the end of his prolegomena, which by the by should have come firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the bookbinder has most injudiciously placed it betwixt the analytical contents of the book, and the book itselfвБ†вАФhe informs his reader, that ever since he had arrived at the age of discernment, and was able to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the true state and condition of man, and distinguish the main end and design of his being;вБ†вЄЇвБ†orвБ†вАФto shorten my translation, for SlawkenbergiusвАЩs book is in Latin, and not a little prolix in this passageвБ†вАФever since I understood, quoth Slawkenbergius, anythingвБ†вЄЇвБ†or rather what was whatвБ†вЄЇвБ†and could perceive that the point of long noses had been too loosely handled by all who had gone before;вБ†вЄЇвБ†have I, Slawkenbergius, felt a strong impulse, with a mighty and unresistible call within me, to gird up myself to this undertaking.
And to do justice to Slawkenbergius, he has entered the list with a stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in it than any one man who had ever entered it before himвБ†вЄЇвБ†and indeed, in many respects, deserves to be en-nichвАЩd as a prototype for all writers, of voluminous works at least, to model their books byвБ†вЄЇвБ†for he has taken in, Sir, the whole subjectвБ†вАФexamined every part of it dialecticallyвБ†вЄїthen brought it into full day; dilucidating it with all the light which either the collision of his own natural parts could strikeвБ†вАФor the profoundest knowledge of the sciences had impowered him to cast upon itвБ†вАФcollating, collecting, and compilingвБ†вЄїbegging, borrowing, and stealing, as he went along, all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the schools and porticos of the learned: so that Slawkenbergius his book may properly be considered, not only as a modelвБ†вАФbut as a thorough-stitched digest and regular institute of noses, comprehending in it all that is or can be needful to be known about them.
For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many (otherwise) valuable books and treatises of my fatherвАЩs collecting, wrote either, plump upon nosesвБ†вЄЇвБ†or collaterally touching them;вБ†вЄїsuch for instance as Prignitz, now lying upon the table before me, who with infinite learning, and from the most candid and scholar-like examination of above four thousand different skulls, in upwards of twenty charnel-houses in Silesia, which he had rummagedвБ†вЄїhas informed us, that the mensuration and configuration of the osseous or bony parts of human noses, in any given tract of country, except Crim Tartary, where they are all crushвАЩd down by the thumb, so that no judgment can be formed upon themвБ†вАФare much nearer alike, than the world imagines;вБ†вАФthe difference amongst them being, he says, a mere trifle, not worth taking notice of;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the size and jollity of every individual nose, and by which one nose ranks above another, and bears a higher price, is owing to the cartilaginous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts and sinuses the blood and animal spirits being impellвАЩd and driven by the warmth and force of the imagination, which is but a step from it (bating the case of idiots, whom Prignitz, who had lived many years in Turky, supposes under the more immediate tutelage of Heaven)вБ†вАФit so happens, and ever must, says Prignitz, that the excellency of the nose is in a direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearerвАЩs fancy.
It is for the same reason, that is, because вАЩtis all comprehended in Slawkenbergius, that I say nothing likewise of Scroderus (Andrea) who, all the world knows, set himself to oppugn Prignitz with great violenceвБ†вАФproving it in his own way, first logically, and then by a series of stubborn facts, вАЬThat so far was Prignitz from the truth, in affirming that the fancy begat the nose, that on the contraryвБ†вАФthe nose begat the fancy.вАЭ
вАФThe learned suspected Scroderus of an indecent sophism in thisвБ†вАФand Prignitz cried out aloud in the dispute, that Scroderus had shifted the idea upon himвБ†вЄЇвБ†but Scroderus went on, maintaining his thesis.
My father was just balancing within himself, which of the two sides he should take in this affair; when Ambrose Paræus decided it in a moment, and by overthrowing the systems, both of Prignitz and Scroderus, drove my father out of both sides of the controversy at once.
Be witnessвБ†вЄї
I donвАЩt acquaint the learned readerвБ†вАФin saying it, I mention it only to show the learned, I know the fact myselfвБ†вЄї
That this Ambrose Par√¶us was chief surgeon and nose-mender to Francis the ninth of France, and in high credit with him and the two preceding, or succeeding kings (I know not which)вБ†вАФand that, except in the slip he made in his story of TaliacotiusвАЩs noses, and his manner of setting them onвБ†вАФhe was esteemed by the whole college of physicians at that time, as more knowing in matters of noses, than anyone who had ever taken them in hand.
Now Ambrose Par√¶us convinced my father, that the true and efficient cause of what had engaged so much the attention of the world, and upon which Prignitz and Scroderus had wasted so much learning and fine partsвБ†вЄЇвБ†was neither this nor thatвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the length and goodness of the nose was owing simply to the softness and flaccidity in the nurseвАЩs breastвБ†вЄїas the flatness and shortness of puisne noses was to the firmness and elastic repulsion of the same organ of nutrition in the hale and livelyвБ†вАФwhich, though happy for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inasmuch as his nose was so snubbвАЩd, so rebuffвАЩd, so rebated, and so refrigerated thereby, as never to arrive ad mensuram suam legitimam;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that in case of the flaccidity and softness of the nurse or motherвАЩs breastвБ†вАФby sinking into it, quoth Par√¶us, as into so much butter, the nose was comforted, nourishвАЩd, plumpвАЩd up, refreshвАЩd, refocillated, and set a growing forever.
I have but two things to observe of Par√¶us; first, That he proves and explains all this with the utmost chastity and decorum of expression:вБ†вАФfor which may his soul forever rest in peace!
And, secondly, that besides the systems of Prignitz and Scroderus, which Ambrose Par√¶us his hypothesis effectually overthrewвБ†вАФit overthrew at the same time the system of peace and harmony of our family; and for three days together, not only embroiled matters between my father and my mother, but turnвАЩd likewise the whole house and everything in it, except my uncle Toby, quite upside down.
Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wife, never surely in any age or country got vent through the keyhole of a street-door.
My mother, you must knowвБ†вЄїbut I have fifty things more necessary to let you know firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have a hundred difficulties which I have promised to clear up, and a thousand distresses and domestick misadventures crowding in upon me thick and threefold, one upon the neck of another. A cow broke in (tomorrow morning) to my uncle TobyвАЩs fortifications, and eat up two rations and a half of dried grass, tearing up the sods with it, which faced his horn-work and covered way.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim insists upon being tried by a court-martialвБ†вАФthe cow to be shotвБ†вАФSlop to be crucifixвАЩdвБ†вАФmyself to be tristramвАЩd and at my very baptism made a martyr of;вБ†вЄЇвБ†poor unhappy devils that we all are!вБ†вЄЇвБ†I want swaddlingвБ†вЄїbut there is no time to be lost in exclamationsвБ†вЄїI have left my father lying across his bed, and my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair, sitting beside him, and promised I would go back to them in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are lapsвАЩd already.вБ†вЄїOf all the perplexities a mortal author was ever seen inвБ†вЄЇвБ†this certainly is the greatest, for I have Hafen SlawkenbergiusвАЩs folio, Sir, to finishвБ†вЄЇвБ†a dialogue between my father and my uncle Toby, upon the solution of Prignitz, Scroderus, Ambrose Par√¶us, Ponocrates, and Grangousier to relateвБ†вАФa tale out of Slawkenbergius to translate, and all this in five minutes less than no time at all;вБ†вЄїsuch a head!вБ†вАФwould to Heaven my enemies only saw the inside of it!