XVII
вЄЇвБ†But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a description of his attitude;вБ†вЄЇвБ†otherwise he will naturally stand represented, by your imagination, in an uneasy posture,вБ†вАФstiff,вБ†вАФperpendicular,вБ†вАФdividing the weight of his body equally upon both legs;вБ†вЄЇвБ†his eye fixed, as if on duty;вБ†вАФhis look determined,вБ†вАФclenching the sermon in his left hand, like his firelock.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In a word, you would be apt to paint Trim, as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action.вБ†вАФHis attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive.
He stood before them with his body swayed, and bent forwards just so far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the horizon;вБ†вАФwhich sound orators, to whom I address this, know very well to be the true persuasive angle of incidence;вБ†вАФin any other angle you may talk and preach;вБ†вАФвАЩtis certain;вБ†вАФand it is done every day;вБ†вАФbut with what effect,вБ†вАФI leave the world to judge!
The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half to a mathematical exactness,вБ†вЄЇвБ†does it not show us, by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other?
How the duce Corporal Trim, who knew not so much as an acute angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether it was chance or nature, or good sense or imitation, etc., shall be commented upon in that part of the cyclop√¶dia of arts and sciences, where the instrumental parts of the eloquence of the senate, the pulpit, and the bar, the coffeehouse, the bedchamber, and fireside, fall under consideration.
He stood,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for I repeat it, to take the picture of him in at one view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent forwards,вБ†вАФhis right leg from under him, sustaining seven-eighths of his whole weight,вБ†вЄїthe foot of his left leg, the defect of which was no disadvantage to his attitude, advanced a little,вБ†вАФnot laterally, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt them;вБ†вАФhis knee bent, but that not violently,вБ†вАФbut so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty;вБ†вАФand I add, of the line of science too;вБ†вАФfor consider, it had one eighth part of his body to bear up;вБ†вАФso that in this case the position of the leg is determined,вБ†вАФbecause the foot could be no farther advanced, or the knee more bent, than what would allow him, mechanically to receive an eighth part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too.
вШЮ This I recommend to painters:вБ†вАФneed I add,вБ†вАФto orators!вБ†вАФI think not; for unless they practise it,вБ†вЄїthey must fall upon their noses.
So much for Corporal TrimвАЩs body and legs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He held the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised something above his stomach, and detached a little from his breast;вБ†вЄЇвБ†his right arm falling negligently by his side, as nature and the laws of gravity ordered it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but with the palm of it open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid the sentiment in case it stood in need.
Corporal TrimвАЩs eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony with the other parts of him;вБ†вАФhe looked frank,вБ†вАФunconstrained,вБ†вАФsomething assured,вБ†вАФbut not bordering upon assurance.
Let not the critic ask how Corporal Trim could come by all this.вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩve told him it should be explained;вБ†вАФbut so he stood before my father, my uncle Toby, and Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФso swayed his body, so contrasted his limbs, and with such an oratorical sweep throughout the whole figure,вБ†вЄЇвБ†a statuary might have modelled from it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nay, I doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a College,вБ†вАФor the Hebrew Professor himself, could have much mended it.
Trim made a bow, and read as follows:
вАЬTrust!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trust we have a good conscience!вАЭ
[Certainly, Trim, quoth my father, interrupting him, you give that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man, and read it with such a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle.
He is, anвАЩ please your Honour, replied Trim. Pugh! said my father, smiling.
Sir, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, Trim is certainly in the right; for the writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish manner in which he takes up the apostle, is certainly going to abuse him;вБ†вАФif this treatment of him has not done it already. But from whence, replied my father, have you concluded so soon, Dr.¬†Slop, that the writer is of our church?вБ†вАФfor aught I can see yet,вБ†вАФhe may be of any church.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Because, answered Dr.¬†Slop, if he was of ours,вБ†вАФhe durst no more take such a licence,вБ†вАФthan a bear by his beard:вБ†вАФIf, in our communion, Sir, a man was to insult an apostle,вБ†вЄЇвБ†a saint,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or even the paring of a saintвАЩs nail,вБ†вАФhe would have his eyes scratched out.вБ†вАФWhat, by the saint? quoth my uncle Toby. No, replied Dr.¬†Slop, he would have an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition an ancient building, answered my uncle Toby, or is it a modern one?вБ†вАФI know nothing of architecture, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФAnвАЩ please your Honours, quoth Trim, the Inquisition is the vilestвБ†вЄЇвБ†Prithee spare thy description, Trim, I hate the very name of it, said my father.вБ†вАФNo matter for that, answered Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФit has its uses; for though IвАЩm no great advocate for it, yet, in such a case as this, he would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would be flung into the Inquisition for his pains. God help him then, quoth my uncle Toby. Amen, added Trim; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it.вБ†вАФI never heard one word of it before, said my uncle Toby, hastily:вБ†вАФHow came he there, Trim?вБ†вЄЇвБ†O, Sir! the story will make your heart bleed,вБ†вАФas it has made mine a thousand times;вБ†вАФbut it is too long to be told now;вБ†вАФyour Honour shall hear it from first to last some day when I am working beside you in our fortifications;вБ†вАФbut the short of the story is this;вБ†вАФThat my brother Tom went over a servant to Lisbon,вБ†вАФand then married a JewвАЩs widow, who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which somehow or other, was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and two small children, and carried directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him, continued Trim, fetching a sigh from the bottom of his heart,вБ†вАФthe poor honest lad lies confined at this hour; he was as honest a soul, added Trim, (pulling out his handkerchief) as ever blood warmed.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
вАФThe tears trickled down TrimвАЩs cheeks faster than he could well wipe them away.вБ†вАФAnd dead silence in the room ensued for some minutes.вБ†вАФCertain proof of pity!
Come, Trim, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fellowвАЩs grief had got a little vent,вБ†вАФread on,вБ†вАФand put this melancholy story out of thy head:вБ†вАФI grieve that I interrupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon again;вБ†вАФfor if the first sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou sayest, I have a great desire to know what kind of provocation the apostle has given.
Corporal Trim wiped his face, and returned his handkerchief into his pocket, and, making a bow as he did it,вБ†вАФhe began again.]
вАЬTrust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there is anything in this life which a man may depend upon, and to the knowledge of which he is capable of arriving upon the most indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing,вБ†вАФwhether he has a good conscience or no.вАЭ
[I am positive I am right, quoth Dr. Slop.]
вАЬIf a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the true state of this account;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires;вБ†вАФhe must remember his past pursuits, and know certainly the true springs and motives, which, in general, have governed the actions of his life.вАЭ
[I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr. Slop.]
вАЬIn other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; and, as the wise man complains, hardly do we guess aright at the things that are upon the earth, and with labour do we find the things that are before us. But here the mind has all the evidence and facts within herself;вБ†вЄЇвБ†is conscious of the web she has wove;вБ†вЄЇвБ†knows its texture and fineness, and the exact share which every passion has had in working upon the several designs which virtue or vice has planned before her.вАЭ
[The language is good, and I declare Trim reads very well, quoth my father.]
вАЬNow,вБ†вАФas conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind has within herself of this; and the judgment, either of approbation or censure, which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our lives; вАЩtis plain you will say, from the very terms of the proposition,вБ†вАФwhenever this inward testimony goes against a man, and he stands self-accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty man.вБ†вАФAnd, on the contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart condemns him not:вБ†вАФthat it is not a matter of trust, as the apostle intimates, but a matter of certainty and fact, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good also.вАЭ
[Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that St.¬†Paul and the Protestant divine are both of an opinion.вБ†вАФAs nearly so, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, as east is to west;вБ†вАФbut this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes from the liberty of the press.
It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or ever likely to be.
Go on, Trim, quoth my father.]
вАЬAt first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind of man,вБ†вАФthat did no such thing ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by long habits of sin, might (as the scripture assures it may) insensibly become hard;вБ†вАФand, like some tender parts of his body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by degrees that nice sense and perception with which God and nature endowed it:вБ†вАФDid this never happen;вБ†вАФor was it certain that self-love could never hang the least bias upon the judgment;вБ†вАФor that the little interests below could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Could no such thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court:вБ†вАФDid Wit disdain to take a bribe in it;вБ†вАФor was ashamed to show its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that Interest stood always unconcerned whilst the cause was hearingвБ†вАФand that Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and determine upon the case:вБ†вАФWas this truly so, as the objection must suppose;вБ†вАФno doubt then the religious and moral state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it:вБ†вАФand the guilt or innocence of every manвАЩs life could be known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of his own approbation and censure.
вАЬI own, in one case, whenever a manвАЩs conscience does accuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation.
вАЬBut the converse of the proposition will not hold true;вБ†вАФnamely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This is not factвБ†вЄїSo that the common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself,вБ†вАФthat he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a quiet one,вБ†вАФis fallacious;вБ†вАФand as current as the inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you see it liable to so much error from a false application;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the principle upon which it goes so often perverted;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from human life, which confirm the account.
вАЬA man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles;вБ†вАФexceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify,вБ†вЄЇвБ†a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall ruin forever the deluded partner of his guilt;вБ†вАФrob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour;вБ†вАФbut involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches.
вАЬAlas! Conscience had something else to do all this time, than break in upon him; as Elijah reproached the god Baal,вБ†вЄЇвБ†this domestic god was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be awoke.
вАЬPerhaps He was gone out in company with Honour to fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps Conscience all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrilyвАЭвБ†вЄЇ[If he was of our church, though, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, he could not]вБ†вАФвАЬsleeps as soundly in his bed;вБ†вАФand at last meets death as unconcernedly;вБ†вАФperhaps much more so, than a much better man.вАЭ
[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, turning to my father,вБ†вАФthe case could not happen in our church.вБ†вАФIt happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I own, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, (struck a little with my fatherвАЩs frank acknowledgment)вБ†вАФthat a man in the Romish church may live as badly;вБ†вАФbut then he cannot easily die so.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indifference,вБ†вАФhow a rascal dies.вБ†вАФI mean, answered Dr.¬†Slop, he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments.вБ†вАФPray how many have you in all, said my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for I always forget?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven, answered Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph!вБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby; though not accented as a note of acquiescence,вБ†вАФbut as an interjection of that particular species of surprise, when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he expected.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr.¬†Slop, who had an ear, understood my uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph! replied Dr.¬†Slop (stating my uncle TobyвАЩs argument over again to him)вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven mortal sins?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven golden candlesticks?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven heavens?вБ†вАФвАЩTis more than I know, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄїAre there not seven wonders of the world?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven days of the creation?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven planets?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven plagues?вБ†вЄЇвБ†That there are, quoth my father with a most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of thy characters, Trim.]
вАЬAnother is sordid, unmerciful,вАЭ (here Trim waved his right hand) вАЬa strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either of private friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he passes by the widow and orphan in their distress, and sees all the miseries incident to human life without a sigh or a prayer.вАЭ [AnвАЩ please your honours, cried Trim, I think this a viler man than the other.]
вАЬShall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occasions?вБ†вЄЇвБ†No; thank God there is no occasion, I pay every man his own;вБ†вАФI have no fornication to answer to my conscience;вБ†вАФno faithless vows or promises to make up;вБ†вАФI have debauched no manвАЩs wife or child; thank God, I am not as other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this libertine, who stands before me.
вАЬA third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his whole life;вБ†вАФвАЩtis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable subterfuges, basely to defeat the true intent of all laws,вБ†вЄЇвБ†plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of our several properties.вБ†вЄЇвБ†You will see such a one working out a frame of little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and needy man;вБ†вАФshall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth, or the unsuspecting temper of his friend, who would have trusted him with his life.
вАЬWhen old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon this black account, and state it over again with his conscienceвБ†вАФConscience looks into the Statutes at Large;вБ†вАФfinds no express law broken by what he has done;вБ†вАФperceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels incurred;вБ†вАФsees no scourge waving over his head, or prison opening his gates upon him:вБ†вАФWhat is there to affright his conscience?вБ†вАФConscience has got safely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with Cases and Reports so strongly on all sides;вБ†вАФthat it is not preaching can dispossess it of its hold.вАЭ
[Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged looks with each other.вБ†вАФAye, aye, Trim! quoth my uncle Toby, shaking his head,вБ†вЄїthese are but sorry fortifications, Trim.вБ†вЄїO! very poor work, answered Trim, to what your Honour and I make of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The character of this last man, said Dr.¬†Slop, interrupting Trim, is more detestable than all the rest; and seems to have been taken from some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you:вБ†вАФAmongst us, a manвАЩs conscience could not possibly continue so long blinded,вБ†вЄЇвБ†three times in a year, at least, he must go to confession. Will that restore it to sight? quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Go on, Trim, quoth my father, or Obadiah will have got back before thou hast got to the end of thy sermon.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a very short one, replied Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish it was longer, quoth my uncle Toby, for I like it hugely.вБ†вАФTrim went on.]
вАЬA fourth man shall want even this refuge;вБ†вАФshall break through all their ceremony of slow chicane;вБ†вЄЇвБ†scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots and cautious trains to bring about his purpose:вБ†вЄЇвБ†See the barefaced villain, how he cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders!вБ†вАФHorrid!вБ†вАФBut indeed much better was not to be expected, in the present caseвБ†вАФthe poor man was in the dark!вБ†вЄїhis priest had got the keeping of his conscience;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and all he would let him know of it, was, That he must believe in the Pope;вБ†вАФgo to Mass;вБ†вАФcross himself;вБ†вАФtell his beads;вБ†вАФbe a good Catholic, and that this, in all conscience, was enough to carry him to heaven. What;вБ†вАФif he perjures!вБ†вАФWhy;вБ†вАФhe had a mental reservation in it.вБ†вАФBut if he is so wicked and abandoned a wretch as you represent him;вБ†вАФif he robs,вБ†вАФif he stabs, will not conscience, on every such act, receive a wound itself?вБ†вАФAye,вБ†вАФbut the man has carried it to confession;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the wound digests there, and will do well enough, and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution. O Popery! what hast thou to answer for?вБ†вЄЇвБ†when, not content with the too many natural and fatal ways, throвАЩ which the heart of man is every day thus treacherous to itself above all things;вБ†вАФthou hast wilfully set open the wide gate of deceit before the face of this unwary traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray of himself; and confidently speak peace to himself, when there is no peace.
вАЬOf this the common instances which I have drawn out of life, are too notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts the reality of them, or thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himself,вБ†вАФI must refer him a moment to his own reflections, and will then venture to trust my appeal with his own heart.
вАЬLet him consider in how different a degree of detestation, numbers of wicked actions stand there, though equally bad and vicious in their own natures;вБ†вАФhe will soon find, that such of them as strong inclination and custom have prompted him to commit, are generally dressed out and painted with all the false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can give them;вБ†вАФand that the others, to which he feels no propensity, appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all the true circumstances of folly and dishonour.
вАЬWhen David surprised Saul sleeping in the cave, and cut off the skirt of his robeвБ†вАФwe read his heart smote him for what he had done:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But in the matter of Uriah, where a faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved and honoured, fell to make way for his lust,вБ†вАФwhere conscience had so much greater reason to take the alarm, his heart smote him not. A whole year had almost passed from the first commission of that crime, to the time Nathan was sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the least sorrow or compunction of heart which he testified, during all that time, for what he had done.
вАЬThus conscience, this once able monitor,вБ†вЄЇвБ†placed on high as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a just and equitable one too,вБ†вАФby an unhappy train of causes and impediments, takes often such imperfect cognizance of what passes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†does its office so negligently,вБ†вЄЇвБ†sometimes so corruptlyвБ†вАФthat it is not to be trusted alone; and therefore we find there is a necessity, an absolute necessity, of joining another principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its determinations.
вАЬSo that if you would form a just judgment of what is of infinite importance to you not to be misled in,вБ†вАФnamely, in what degree of real merit you stand either as an honest man, an useful citizen, a faithful subject to your king, or a good servant to your God,вБ†вЄЇвБ†call in religion and morality.вБ†вАФLook, What is written in the law of God?вБ†вЄЇвБ†How readest thou?вБ†вАФConsult calm reason and the unchangeable obligations of justice and truth;вБ†вЄЇвБ†what say they?
вАЬLet Conscience determine the matter upon these reports;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and then if thy heart condemns thee not, which is the case the apostle supposes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the rule will be infallible;вАЭвБ†вАФ[Here Dr.¬†Slop fell asleep]вБ†вАФвАЬthou wilt have confidence towards God;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, have just grounds to believe the judgment thou hast past upon thyself, is the judgment of God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being, to whom thou art finally to give an account of thy actions.
вАЬBlessed is the man, indeed, then, as the author of the book of Ecclesiasticus expresses it, who is not pricked with the multitude of his sins: Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned him; whether he be rich, or whether he be poor, if he have a good heart (a heart thus guided and informed) he shall at all times rejoice in a cheerful countenance; his mind shall tell him more than seven watchmen that sit above upon a tower on high.вАЭвБ†вАФ[A tower has no strength, quoth my uncle Toby, unless вАЩtis flankвАЩd.]вБ†вАФвАЬIn the darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than a thousand casuists, and give the state he lives in, a better security for his behaviour than all the causes and restrictions put together which lawmakers are forced to multiply:вБ†вАФForced, I say, as things stand; human laws not being a matter of original choice, but of pure necessity, brought in to fence against the mischievous effects of those consciences which are no law unto themselves; well intending, by the many provisions made,вБ†вАФthat in all such corrupt and misguided cases, where principles and the checks of conscience will not make us upright,вБ†вАФto supply their force, and, by the terrors of gaols and halters, oblige us to it.вАЭ
[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to be preached at the Temple,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or at some Assize.вБ†вАФI like the reasoning,вБ†вАФand am sorry that Dr.¬†Slop has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction:вБ†вАФfor it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at first, never insulted St.¬†Paul in the least;вБ†вАФnor has there been, brother, the least difference between them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†A great matter, if they had differed, replied my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФthe best friends in the world may differ sometimes.вБ†вЄЇвБ†True,вБ†вАФbrother Toby, quoth my father, shaking hands with him,вБ†вАФweвАЩll fill our pipes, brother, and then Trim shall go on.
Well,вБ†вЄЇвБ†what dost thou think of it? said my father speaking to Corporal Trim, as he reached his tobacco-box.
I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watchmen upon the tower, who, I suppose, are all sentinels there,вБ†вАФare more, anвАЩ please your Honour, than were necessary;вБ†вАФand, to go on at that rate, would harrass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves his men, will never do, if he can help it, because two sentinels, added the Corporal, are as good as twenty.вБ†вАФI have been a commanding officer myself in the Corps de Garde a hundred times, continued Trim, rising an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke,вБ†вАФand all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty King William, in relieving the most considerable posts, I never left more than two in my life.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Very right, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФbut you do not consider, Trim, that the towers, in SolomonвАЩs days, were not such things as our bastions, flanked and defended by other works;вБ†вАФthis, Trim, was an invention since SolomonвАЩs death; nor had they horn-works, or ravelins before the curtin, in his time;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or such a foss√© as we make with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to guard against a Coup de main:вБ†вАФSo that the seven men upon the tower were a party, I dare say, from the Corps de Garde, set there, not only to look out, but to defend it.вБ†вАФThey could be no more, anвАЩ please your Honour, than a CorporalвАЩs Guard.вБ†вАФMy father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly;вБ†вАФthe subject being rather too serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest of.вБ†вАФSo putting his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted,вБ†вАФhe contented himself with ordering Trim to read on. He read on as follows:]
вАЬTo have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right and wrong:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The first of these will comprehend the duties of religion;вБ†вАФthe second, those of morality, which are so inseparably connected together, that you cannot divide these two tables, even in imagination (though the attempt is often made in practice) without breaking and mutually destroying them both.
вАЬI said the attempt is often made; and so it is;вБ†вЄЇвБ†there being nothing more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite.
вАЬWhen there is some appearance that it is so,вБ†вАФthough one is unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.
вАЬLet him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.
вАЬI will illustrate this by an example.
вАЬI know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call inвАЭвБ†вАФ[There is no need, cried Dr.¬†Slop (waking), to call in any physician in this case]вБ†вЄЇвАЬto be neither of them men of much religion: I hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt. Well;вБ†вАФnotwithstanding this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one:вБ†вАФand what is dearer still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.
вАЬNow let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why, in the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of them will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage;вБ†вАФI consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life:вБ†вАФI know their success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters.вБ†вАФIn a word, IвАЩm persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.
вАЬBut put it otherwise, namely, that interest lay, for once, on the other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the world;вБ†вАФor that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art:вБ†вАФIn this case, what hold have I of either of them?вБ†вАФReligion, the strongest of all motives, is out of the question;вБ†вАФInterest, the next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against me:вБ†вЄїWhat have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation?вБ†вЄїAlas! I have nothing,вБ†вЄЇвБ†nothing but what is lighter than a bubbleвБ†вЄїI must lie at the mercy of Honour, or some such capricious principleвБ†вАФStrait security for two of the most valuable blessings!вБ†вАФmy property and myself.
вАЬAs, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without religion;вБ†вАФso, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be expected from religion without morality; nevertheless, вАЩtis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious man.
вАЬHe shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable,вБ†вАФbut even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against the infidelity of the age,вБ†вЄЇвБ†is zealous for some points of religion,вБ†вЄЇвБ†goes twice a day to church,вБ†вАФattends the sacraments,вБ†вАФand amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion,вБ†вАФshall cheat his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man, and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find such a man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of piety,вБ†вАФthough, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.
вАЬThis likewise is a sore evil under the sun; and I believe, there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more serious mischiefs.вБ†вЄїFor a general proof of this,вБ†вАФexamine the history of the Romish church;вАЭвБ†вАФ[Well, what can you make of that? cried Dr.¬†Slop]вБ†вАФвАЬsee what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr.¬†Slop]вБ†вЄЇвАЬhave all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.
вАЬIn how many kingdoms of the worldвАЭвБ†вАФ[Here Trim kept waving his right hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.]
вАЬIn how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this misguided saint-errant, spared neither age nor merit, or sex, or condition?вБ†вАФand, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and humanity, he showed none; mercilessly trampled upon both,вБ†вАФheard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor pitied their distresses.вАЭ
[I have been in many a battle, anвАЩ please your Honour, quoth Trim, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this,вБ†вАФI would not have drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to have been made a general officer.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why? what do you understand of the affair? said Dr.¬†Slop, looking towards Trim, with something more of contempt than the CorporalвАЩs honest heart deserved.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What do you know, friend, about this battle you talk of?вБ†вАФI know, replied Trim, that I never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but to a woman or a child, continued Trim, before I would level my musket at them, I would lose my life a thousand times.вБ†вЄЇвБ†HereвАЩs a crown for thee, Trim, to drink with Obadiah tonight, quoth my uncle Toby, and IвАЩll give Obadiah another too.вБ†вАФGod bless your Honour, replied Trim,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I had rather these poor women and children had it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father nodded his head, as much as to say,вБ†вАФand so he is.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
But prithee, Trim, said my father, make an end,вБ†вАФfor I see thou hast but a leaf or two left.
Corporal Trim read on.]
вАЬIf the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient,вБ†вАФconsider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves.
вАЬTo be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of the Inquisition.вАЭвБ†вАФ[God help my poor brother Tom.]вБ†вАФвАЬBehold Religion, with Mercy and Justice chained down under her feet,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment. Hark!вБ†вАФhark! what a piteous groan!вАЭвБ†вАФ[Here TrimвАЩs face turned as pale as ashes.]вБ†вЄЇвАЬSee the melancholy wretch who uttered itвАЭвБ†вАФ[Here the tears began to trickle down.]вБ†вЄЇвАЬjust brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent.вАЭвБ†вАФ[DвБ†вЄЇвБ†n them all, quoth Trim, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.]вБ†вАФвАЬBehold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,вБ†вАФhis body so wasted with sorrow and confinement.вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Oh! вАЩtis my brother, cried poor Trim in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands togetherвБ†вАФI fear вАЩtis poor Tom. My fatherвАЩs and my uncle TobyвАЩs heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellowвАЩs distress; even Slop himself acknowledged pity for him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, Trim, said my father, this is not a history,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the sentence again.]вБ†вЄЇвАЬBehold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,вБ†вАФhis body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.
вАЬObserve the last movement of that horrid engine!вАЭвБ†вАФ[I would rather face a cannon, quoth Trim, stamping.]вБ†вАФвАЬSee what convulsions it has thrown him into!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,вБ†вАФwhat exquisite tortures he endures by it!вАЭвБ†вАФ[I hope вАЩtis not in Portugal.]вБ†вАФвАЬвАКвАЩTis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!вАЭ [I would not read another line of it, quoth Trim, for all this world;вБ†вАФI fear, anвАЩ please your Honours, all this is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is. I tell thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, вАЩtis not an historical account,вБ†вАФвАЩtis a description.вБ†вАФвАЩTis only a description, honest man, quoth Slop, thereвАЩs not a word of truth in it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†ThatвАЩs another story, replied my father.вБ†вАФHowever, as Trim reads it with so much concern,вБ†вАФвАЩtis cruelty to force him to go on with it.вБ†вАФGive me hold of the sermon, Trim,вБ†вАФIвАЩll finish it for thee, and thou mayвАЩst go. I must stay and hear it, too, replied Trim, if your Honour will allow me;вБ†вАФthough I would not read it myself for a ColonelвАЩs pay.вБ†вЄїPoor Trim! quoth my uncle Toby. My father went on.]вБ†вАФ
вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,вБ†вАФwhat exquisite torture he endures by it!вБ†вАФвАЩTis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips,вБ†вАФwilling to take its leave,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but not suffered to depart!вБ†вАФBehold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Then, thank God, however, quoth Trim, they have not killed him.]вБ†вАФвАЬSee him dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which this principle,вБ†вАФthis principle, that there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him.вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Then, thank God,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he is dead, quoth Trim,вБ†вАФhe is out of his pain,вБ†вАФand they have done their worst at him.вБ†вАФO Sirs!вБ†вАФHold your peace, Trim, said my father, going on with the sermon, lest Trim should incense Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФwe shall never have done at this rate.]
вАЬThe surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and suchlike cases, and it is worth a thousand argumentsвБ†вЄЇвБ†By their fruits ye shall know them.
вАЬI will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or three short and independent rules deducible from it.
вАЬFirst, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better of his Creed. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, вАЩtis for no other cause but quietnessвАЩ sake.
вАЬSecondly, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular instance,вБ†вЄЇвБ†That such a thing goes against his conscience,вБ†вЄЇвБ†always believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes against his stomach;вБ†вАФa present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both.
вАЬIn a word,вБ†вАФtrust that man in nothing, who has not a Conscience in everything.
вАЬAnd, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in which has ruined thousands,вБ†вАФthat your conscience is not a law:вБ†вАФNo, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine;вБ†вЄЇвБ†not, like an Asiatic Qadi, according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions,вБ†вАФbut like a British judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written.вАЭ
Finis
Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, Trim, quoth my father.вБ†вАФIf he had spared his comments, replied Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he would have read it much better. I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered Trim, but that my heart was so full.вБ†вАФThat was the very reason, Trim, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr.¬†Slop, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done,вБ†вАФas their compositions are fine;вБ†вАФ[I deny it, quoth Dr.¬†Slop]вБ†вАФI maintain it,вБ†вАФthat the eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a model for the whole world:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But alas! continued my father, and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like French politicians in this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the sermon well, replied my father,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis dramatick,вБ†вАФand there is something in that way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We preach much in that way with us, said Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФI know that very well, said my father,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr.¬†Slop, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But in this, added Dr.¬†Slop, a little piqued,вБ†вАФour sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarchвАЩs wife, or a martyr or a saint.вБ†вАФThere are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for вАЩem.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But pray, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФwhoвАЩs can this be?вБ†вАФHow could it get into my Stevinus? A man must be as great a conjurer as Stevinus, said my father, to resolve the second question:вБ†вАФThe first, I think, is not so difficult;вБ†вАФfor unless my judgment greatly deceives me,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know the author, for вАЩtis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.
The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of his conjecture,вБ†вАФproving it as strongly, as an argument √† priori could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was YorickвАЩs and no oneвАЩs else:вБ†вАФIt was proved to be so, a posteriori, the day after, when Yorick sent a servant to my uncle TobyвАЩs house to enquire after it.
It seems that Yorick, who was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed Stevinus of my uncle Toby, and had carelessly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle of Stevinus; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever subject, he had sent Stevinus home, and his sermon to keep him company.
Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee, a second time, dropped throвАЩ an unsuspected fissure in thy masterвАЩs pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered lining,вБ†вАФtrod deep into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his Rocinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst;вБ†вАФburied ten days in the mire,вБ†вЄЇвБ†raised up out of it by a beggar,вБ†вАФsold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk,вБ†вЄЇвБ†transferred to his parson,вБ†вЄЇвБ†lost forever to thy own, the remainder of his days,вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor restored to his restless Manes till this very moment, that I tell the world the story.
Can the reader believe, that this sermon of YorickвАЩs was preached at an assize, in the cathedral of York, before a thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him when he had done,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and within so short a space as two years and three months after YorickвАЩs death?вБ†вАФYorick indeed, was never better served in his life;вБ†вЄїbut it was a little hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his grave.
However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with Yorick,вБ†вАФand, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies to give away;вБ†вАФand that I am told he could moreover have made as good a one himself, had he thought fit,вБ†вАФI declare I would not have published this anecdote to the world;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the church;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I leave that to others;вБ†вАФbut I find myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand.
The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to YorickвАЩs ghost;вБ†вЄЇвБ†whichвБ†вАФas the country-people, and some others, believe,вБ†вЄЇвБ†still walks.
The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world, I gain an opportunity of informing it,вБ†вАФThat in case the character of parson Yorick, and this sample of his sermons, is liked,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there are now in the possession of the Shandy family, as many as will make a handsome volume, at the worldвАЩs service,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and much good may they do it.