XXII
When Corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them directly into his parlour.
Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of hinges, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is this.
Had the parlour door opened and turnвАЩd upon its hinges, as a door should doвБ†вАФ
Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its hingesвБ†вЄЇ(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your worship,вБ†вАФotherwise I give up my simile)вБ†вАФin this case, I say, there had been no danger either to master or man, in Corporal TrimвАЩs peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleepвБ†вАФthe respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would have retired as silent as death, and left them both in their armchairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them: but the thing was, morally speaking, so very impracticable, that for the many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out of order, and amongst the hourly grievances my father submitted to upon its accountвБ†вАФthis was one; that he never folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts of being unavoidably awakened by the first person who should open the door, was always uppermost in his imagination, and so incessantly steppвАЩd in betwixt him and the first balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as he often declared, of the whole sweets of it.
вАЬWhen things move upon bad hinges, anвАЩ please your lordships, how can it be otherwise?вАЭ
Pray whatвАЩs the matter? Who is there? cried my father, waking, the moment the door began to creak.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish the smith would give a peep at that confounded hinge.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis nothing, anвАЩ please your honour, said Trim, but two mortars I am bringing in.вБ†вАФThey shanвАЩt make a clatter with them here, cried my father hastily.вБ†вАФIf Dr.¬†Slop has any drugs to pound, let him do it in the kitchen.вБ†вАФMay it please your honour, cried Trim, they are two mortar-pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of jackboots, which Obadiah told me your honour had left off wearing.вБ†вАФBy Heaven! cried my father, springing out of his chair, as he sworeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have not one appointment belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these jackbootsвБ†вЄЇвБ†they were our great grandfatherвАЩs, brother TobyвБ†вАФthey were hereditary. Then I fear, quoth my uncle Toby, Trim has cut off the entail.вБ†вАФI have only cut off the tops, anвАЩ please your honour, cried TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†I hate perpetuities as much as any man alive, cried my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†but these jackboots, continued he (smiling, though very angry at the same time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil wars;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marston-Moor.вБ†вАФI declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll pay you the money, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket as he viewed themвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my heart and soul.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
Brother Toby, replied my father, altering his tone, you care not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he, вАЩtis but upon a siege.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay? cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФWhat is thatвБ†вАФreplied my father hastilyвБ†вАФto ten pounds for a pair of jackboots?вБ†вАФtwelve guineas for your pontoons?вБ†вАФhalf as much for your Dutch drawbridge?вБ†вАФto say nothing of the train of little brass artillery you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of Messina: believe me, dear brother Toby, continued my father, taking him kindly by the handвБ†вАФthese military operations of yours are above your strength;вБ†вАФyou mean well, brotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†but they carry you into greater expenses than you were first aware of;вБ†вАФand take my word, dear Toby, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.вБ†вАФWhat signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle Toby, so long as we know вАЩtis for the good of the nation?вБ†вЄЇвБ†
My father could not help smiling for his soulвБ†вАФhis anger at the worst was never more than a spark;вБ†вАФand the zeal and simplicity of TrimвБ†вАФand the generous (though hobbyhorsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant.
Generous souls!вБ†вАФGod prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too! quoth my father to himself.