XXIV
Though the shock my uncle Toby received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow Wadman, had fixed him in a resolution never more to think of the sexвБ†вАФor of aught which belonged to it;вБ†вАФyet corporal Trim had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed in my uncle TobyвАЩs case there was a strange and unaccountable concurrence of circumstances, which insensibly drew him in, to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In TrimвАЩs case there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and Bridget in the kitchen;вБ†вАФthough in truth, the love and veneration he bore his master was such, and so fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my uncle Toby employed his time and genius in tagging of pointsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with pleasure. When therefore my uncle Toby sat down before the mistressвБ†вАФcorporal Trim incontinently took ground before the maid.
Now, my dear friend Garrick, whom I have so much cause to esteem and honourвБ†вАФ(why, or wherefore, вАЩtis no matter)вБ†вАФcan it escape your penetrationвБ†вАФI defy itвБ†вАФthat so many playwrights, and opificers of chitchat have ever since been working upon TrimвАЩs and my uncle TobyвАЩs pattern.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I care not what Aristotle, or Pacuvius, or Bossu, or Ricaboni sayвБ†вАФ(though I never read one of them)вБ†вЄЇвБ†there is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and madam PompadourвАЩs vis-√†-vis; than betwixt a single amour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four, prancing throughout a grand dramaвБ†вЄЇвБ†Sir, a simple, single, silly affair of that kindвБ†вАФis quite lost in five acts;вБ†вАФbut that is neither here nor there.
After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my uncle TobyвАЩs quarter, a most minute account of every particular of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle Toby, honest man! found it necessary to draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly.
Corporal Trim, as I said, had made no such bargain either with himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†or with anyone elseвБ†вЄЇвБ†the fidelity however of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with disgustвБ†вЄЇвБ†he contented himself with turning his part of the siege into a blockade;вБ†вАФthat is, he kept others off;вБ†вАФfor though he never after went to the house, yet he never met Bridget in the village, but he would either nod or wink, or smile, or look kindly at herвБ†вАФor (as circumstances directed) he would shake her by the handвБ†вАФor ask her lovingly how she didвБ†вАФor would give her a ribbonвБ†вАФand now-and-then, though never but when it could be done with decorum, would give Bridget¬†aвБ†вАФ
Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five years; that is, from the demolition of Dunkirk in the year 13, to the latter end of my uncle TobyвАЩs campaign in the year 18, which was about six or seven weeks before the time IвАЩm speaking of.вБ†вЄЇвБ†When Trim, as his custom was, after he had put my uncle Toby to bed, going down one moonshiny night to see that everything was right at his fortificationsвБ†вЄЇвБ†in the lane separated from the bowling-green with flowering shrubs and hollyвБ†вАФhe espied his Bridget.
As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth showing as the glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had made, Trim courteously and gallantly took her by the hand, and led her in: this was not done so privately, but that the foul-mouthвАЩd trumpet of Fame carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reachвАЩd my fatherвАЩs, with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my uncle TobyвАЩs curious drawbridge, constructed and painted after the Dutch fashion, and which went quite across the ditchвБ†вАФwas broke down, and somehow or other crushed all to pieces that very night.
My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle TobyвАЩs hobbyhorse, he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever gentleman mounted; and indeed unless my uncle Toby vexed him about it, could never think of it once, without smiling at itвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that it could never get lame or happen any mischance, but it tickled my fatherвАЩs imagination beyond measure; but this being an accident much more to his humour than any one which had yet befallвАЩn it, it proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†WellвБ†вЄЇвБ†but dear Toby! my father would say, do tell me seriously how this affair of the bridge happened.вБ†вЄЇвБ†How can you tease me so much about it? my uncle Toby would replyвБ†вАФI have told it you twenty times, word for word as Trim told it me.вБ†вАФPrithee, how was it then, corporal? my father would cry, turning to Trim.вБ†вАФIt was a mere misfortune, anвАЩ please your honour;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I was showing Mrs.¬†Bridget our fortifications, and in going too near the edge of the fosse, I unfortunately slippвАЩd inвБ†вЄЇвБ†Very well, Trim! my father would cryвБ†вЄЇ(smiling mysteriously, and giving a nodвБ†вАФbut without interrupting him)вБ†вЄЇвБ†and being linkвАЩd fast, anвАЩ please your honour, arm in arm with Mrs.¬†Bridget, I draggвАЩd her after me, by means of which she fell backwards soss against the bridgeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and TrimвАЩs foot (my uncle Toby would cry, taking the story out of his mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full against the bridge too.вБ†вАФIt was a thousand to one, my uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow did not break his leg.вБ†вЄїAy truly, my father would sayвБ†вЄЇвБ†a limb is soon broke, brother Toby, in such encounters.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And so, anвАЩ please your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows was a very slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces.
At other times, but especially when my uncle Toby was so unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs, or petardsвБ†вАФmy father would exhaust all the stores of his eloquence (which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon the battering-rams of the ancientsвБ†вАФthe vinea which Alexander made use of at the siege of Troy.вБ†вАФHe would tell my uncle Toby of the catapult√¶ of the Syrians, which threw such monstrous stones so many hundred feet, and shook the strongest bulwarks from their very foundation:вБ†вАФhe would go on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the ballista which Marcellinus makes so much rout about!вБ†вАФthe terrible effects of the pyroboli, which cast fire;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the danger of the terebra and scorpio, which cast javelins.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But what are these, would he say, to the destructive machinery of corporal Trim?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Believe me, brother Toby, no bridge, or bastion, or sally-port, that ever was constructed in this world, can hold out against such artillery.
My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against the force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle Toby leapвАЩd up without feeling the pain upon his groinвБ†вАФand, with infinite pity, stood beside his brotherвАЩs chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little officesвБ†вАФcut my father throвАЩ his reins, for the pain he had just been giving him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May my brains be knockвАЩd out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himselfвБ†вАФif ever I insult this worthy soul more!