XXXIV + 

My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with him, in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving everyone a stroke to remember him by in his turnвБ†вАФthat if there were twenty people in companyвБ†вАФin less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of вАЩem against him. + 

What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally, was, that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he would be sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he was once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that вАЩtwould have been a concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him driven out. + 

Yorick, for this reason, though he would often attack himвБ†вАФyet could never bear to do it with all his force. + 

Doctor SlopвАЩs Virginity, in the close of the last chapter, had got him for once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in Christendom about SlopвАЩs ears, when corporal Trim came into the parlour to inform my uncle Toby, that his thin scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs.¬†Wadman, would not do; for that the tailor, in ripping them up, in order to turn them, had found they had been turnвАЩd beforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then turn them again, brother, said my father, rapidly, for there will be many a turning of вАЩem yet before allвАЩs done in the affairвБ†вЄЇвБ†They are as rotten as dirt, said the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then by all means, said my father, bespeak a new pair, brotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†for though I know, continued my father, turning himself to the company, that widow Wadman has been deeply in love with my brother Toby for many years, and has used every art and circumvention of woman to outwit him into the same passion, yet now that she has caught himвБ†вЄЇвБ†her fever will be passвАЩd its heightвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†She has gainвАЩd her point. + 

In this case, continued my father, which Plato, I am persuaded, never thought ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†Love, you see, is not so much a Sentiment as a Situation, into which a man enters, as my brother Toby would do, into a corpsвБ†вЄЇвБ†no matter whether he loves the service or noвБ†вЄЇвБ†being once in itвБ†вАФhe acts as if he did; and takes every step to show himself a man of prowesse. + 

The hypothesis, like the rest of my fatherвАЩs, was plausible enough, and my uncle Toby had but a single word to object to itвБ†вАФin which Trim stood ready to second himвБ†вЄЇвБ†but my father had not drawn his conclusionвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over again)вБ†вАФnotwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs.¬†Wadman affects my brother TobyвБ†вАФand my brother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs.¬†Wadman, and no obstacle in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night, yet will I answer for it, that this selfsame tune will not be playвАЩd this twelvemonth. + 

We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle Toby, looking up interrogatively in TrimвАЩs face. + 

I would lay my Montero-cap, said TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†Now TrimвАЩs Montero-cap, as I once told you, was his constant wager; and having furbishвАЩd it up that very night, in order to go upon the attackвБ†вАФit made the odds look more considerableвБ†вЄЇвБ†I would lay, anвАЩ please your honour, my Montero-cap to a shillingвБ†вАФwas it proper, continued Trim (making a bow), to offer a wager before your honoursвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†There is nothing improper in it, said my fatherвБ†вАФвАЩtis a mode of expression; for in saying thou wouldвАЩst lay thy Montero-cap to a shillingвБ†вАФall thou meanest is thisвБ†вАФthat thou believestвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†Now, What doвАЩst thou believe? + 

That widow Wadman, anвАЩ please your worship, cannot hold it out ten daysвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of woman, friend? + 

By falling in love with a popish clergywoman; said Trim. + 

вАЩTwas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby. + 

Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and my father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and Beguines, a set of silly, fusty, baggagesвБ†вЄЇвБ†Slop could not stand itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his breechesвБ†вАФand Yorick about his fourth general divisionвБ†вАФin order for their several attacks next dayвБ†вАФthe company broke up: and my father being left alone, and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bedtime; he called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions: + 

My dear brother Toby, + 

What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of lovemaking to them; and perhaps it is as well for theeвБ†вАФthough not so well for meвБ†вАФthat thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and that I am able to write it to thee. + 

Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lotsвБ†вАФand thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou shouldвАЩst have dippвАЩd the pen this moment into the ink, instead of myself; but that not being the caseвБ†вЄївЄїMrs.¬†Shandy being now close beside me, preparing for bedвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have thrown together without order, and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intending, in this, to give thee a token of my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of the manner in which it will be accepted. + 

In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the affairвБ†вЄЇвБ†though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou neglectestвБ†вАФyet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance of thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprise, whether it be in the morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one. + 

Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, throвАЩ absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by TimeвБ†вЄЇвБ†how much by Trim. + 

вАФвАЩTwere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy. + 

Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬThat women are timid:вАЭ And вАЩtis well they areвБ†вЄЇвБ†else there would be no dealing with them. + 

Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors. + 

вЄЇвБ†A just medium prevents all conclusions. + 

Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft tone of voice. Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if thou canst help it, never throw down the tongs and poker. + 

Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her, and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep from her all books and writings which tend thereto: there are some devotional tracts, which if thou canst entice her to read overвБ†вАФit will be well: but suffer her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don QuixoteвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as lust. + 

Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour. + 

And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hersвБ†вАФbeware of taking itвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper of thine. Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy Asse continues still kicking, which there is great reason to supposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means. + 

Avicenna, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purgesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I believe rightly. But thou must eat little or no goatвАЩs flesh, nor red deerвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor even foalвАЩs flesh by any means; and carefully abstainвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hensвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

As for thy drinkвБ†вАФI need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of Vervain and the herb Hanea, of which √Жlian relates such effectsвБ†вАФbut if thy stomach palls with itвБ†вАФdiscontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of them. + 

There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at presentвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Unless the breaking out of a fresh warвБ†вЄЇвБ†So wishing everything, dear Toby, for the best, + 

I rest thy affectionate brother, + 