Book + 

III + 

Multitudinis imperit√¶ non formido judicia; meis tamen, rogo, parcant opusculisвБ†вЄїin quibus fuit propositi semper, a jocis ad seria, a seriis vicissim ad jocos transire. + 

Joan. Saresberiensis, Episcopus Lugdun + 

I + 

вЄЇвАЬI wish, Dr.¬†Slop,вАЭ quoth my uncle Toby, (repeating his wish for Dr.¬†Slop a second time, and with a degree of more zeal and earnestness in his manner of wishing, than he had wished at first)вБ†вЄЇвАЬI wish, Dr.¬†Slop,вАЭ quoth my uncle Toby, вАЬyou had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders.вАЭ + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs wish did Dr.¬†Slop a disservice which his heart never intended any man,вБ†вАФSir, it confounded himвБ†вЄЇвБ†and thereby putting his ideas first into confusion, and then to flight, he could not rally them again for the soul of him. + 

In all disputes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†male or female,вБ†вЄЇвБ†whether for honour, for profit, or for love,вБ†вАФit makes no difference in the case;вБ†вАФnothing is more dangerous, Madam, than a wish coming sideways in this unexpected manner upon a man: the safest way in general to take off the force of the wish, is for the party wishвАЩd at, instantly to get upon his legsвБ†вАФand wish the wisher something in return, of pretty near the same value,вБ†вЄЇвБ†so balancing the account upon the spot, you stand as you wereвБ†вАФnay sometimes gain the advantage of the attack by it. + 

This will be fully illustrated to the world in my chapter of wishes.вБ†вАФ + 

Dr.¬†Slop did not understand the nature of this defence;вБ†вАФhe was puzzled with it, and it put an entire stop to the dispute for four minutes and a half;вБ†вАФfive had been fatal to it:вБ†вАФmy father saw the dangerвБ†вАФthe dispute was one of the most interesting disputes in the world, вАЬWhether the child of his prayers and endeavours should be born without a head or with one:вАЭвБ†вАФhe waited to the last moment, to allow Dr.¬†Slop, in whose behalf the wish was made, his right of returning it; but perceiving, I say, that he was confounded, and continued looking with that perplexed vacuity of eye which puzzled souls generally stare withвБ†вАФfirst in my uncle TobyвАЩs faceвБ†вАФthen in hisвБ†вАФthen upвБ†вАФthen downвБ†вАФthen eastвБ†вАФeast and by east, and so on,вБ†вЄЇвБ†coasting it along by the plinth of the wainscot till he had got to the opposite point of the compass,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that he had actually begun to count the brass nails upon the arm of his chair,вБ†вАФmy father thought there was no time to be lost with my uncle Toby, so took up the discourse as follows. + 

II + 

вАЬвБ†вАФWhat prodigious armies you had in Flanders!вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Brother Toby, replied my father, taking his wig from off his head with his right hand, and with his left pulling out a striped India handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in order to rub his head, as he argued the point with my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Now, in this I think my father was much to blame; and I will give you my reasons for it. + 

Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves than, вАЬWhether my father should have taken off his wig with his right hand or with his left,вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†have divided the greatest kingdoms, and made the crowns of the monarchs who governed them, to totter upon their heads.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But need I tell you, Sir, that the circumstances with which everything in this world is begirt, give everything in this world its size and shape!вБ†вАФand by tightening it, or relaxing it, this way or that, make the thing to be, what it isвБ†вАФgreatвБ†вАФlittleвБ†вАФgoodвБ†вАФbadвБ†вАФindifferent or not indifferent, just as the case happens? + 

As my fatherвАЩs India handkerchief was in his right coat pocket, he should by no means have suffered his right hand to have got engaged: on the contrary, instead of taking off his wig with it, as he did, he ought to have committed that entirely to the left; and then, when the natural exigency my father was under of rubbing his head, called out for his handkerchief, he would have had nothing in the world to have done, but to have put his right hand into his right coat pocket and taken it out;вБ†вЄЇвБ†which he might have done without any violence, or the least ungraceful twist in any one tendon or muscle of his whole body. + 

In this case, (unless, indeed, my father had been resolved to make a fool of himself by holding the wig stiff in his left handвБ†вЄЇвБ†or by making some nonsensical angle or other at his elbow-joint, or armpit)вБ†вАФhis whole attitude had been easyвБ†вАФnaturalвБ†вАФunforced: Reynolds himself, as great and gracefully as he paints, might have painted him as he sat. + 

Now as my father managed this matter,вБ†вАФconsider what a devil of a figure my father made of himself. + 

In the latter end of Queen AnneвАЩs reign, and in the beginning of the reign of King George the firstвБ†вАФвАЬCoat pockets were cut very low down in the skirt.вАЭвБ†вАФI need say no moreвБ†вАФthe father of mischief, had he been hammering at it a month, could not have contrived a worse fashion for one in my fatherвАЩs situation. + 

III + 

It was not an easy matter in any kingвАЩs reign (unless you were as lean a subject as myself) to have forced your hand diagonally, quite across your whole body, so as to gain the bottom of your opposite coat pocket.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In the year one thousand seven hundred and eighteen, when this happened, it was extremely difficult; so that when my uncle Toby discovered the transverse zig-zaggery of my fatherвАЩs approaches towards it, it instantly brought into his mind those he had done duty in, before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the idea of which drew off his attention so entirely from the subject in debate, that he had got his right hand to the bell to ring up Trim to go and fetch his map of Namur, and his compasses and sector along with it, to measure the returning angles of the traverses of that attack,вБ†вАФbut particularly of that one, where he received his wound upon his groin. + 

My father knit his brows, and as he knit them, all the blood in his body seemed to rush up into his faceвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby dismounted immediately. + 

вЄЇвБ†I did not apprehend your uncle Toby was oвАЩ horseback.вБ†вЄї + 

IV + 

A manвАЩs body and his mind, with the utmost reverence to both I speak it, are exactly like a jerkin, and a jerkinвАЩs lining;вБ†вАФrumple the one,вБ†вАФyou rumple the other. There is one certain exception however in this case, and that is, when you are so fortunate a fellow, as to have had your jerkin made of gum-taffeta, and the body-lining to it of a sarcenet, or thin persian. + 

Zeno, Cleanthes, Diogenes Babylonius, Dionysius, Heracleotes, Antipater, Pan√¶tius, and Posidonius amongst the Greeks;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Cato and Varro and Seneca amongst the Romans;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Pant√¶onus and Clemens Alexandrinus and Montaigne amongst the Christians; and a score and a half of good, honest, unthinking Shandean people as ever lived, whose names I canвАЩt recollect,вБ†вАФall pretended that their jerkins were made after this fashion,вБ†вАФyou might have rumpled and crumpled, and doubled and creased, and fretted and fridged the outside of them all to pieces;вБ†вЄЇвБ†in short, you might have played the very devil with them, and at the same time, not one of the insides of them would have been one button the worse, for all you had done to them. + 

I believe in my conscience that mine is made up somewhat after this sort:вБ†вЄЇвБ†for never poor jerkin has been tickled off at such a rate as it has been these last nine months together,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and yet I declare, the lining to it,вБ†вЄїas far as I am a judge of the matter,вБ†вЄЇвБ†is not a threepenny piece the worse;вБ†вАФpell-mell, helter-skelter, ding-dong, cut and thrust, back stroke and fore stroke, side way and long way, have they been trimming it for me:вБ†вАФhad there been the least gumminess in my lining,вБ†вАФby heaven! it had all of it long ago been frayed and fretted to a thread. + 

вЄїYou Messrs. the Monthly reviewers!вБ†вЄїhow could you cut and slash my jerkin as you did?вБ†вЄЇвБ†how did you know but you would cut my lining too? + 

Heartily and from my soul, to the protection of that Being who will injure none of us, do I recommend you and your affairs,вБ†вАФso God bless you;вБ†вАФonly next month, if any one of you should gnash his teeth, and storm and rage at me, as some of you did last May (in which I remember the weather was very hot)вБ†вАФdonвАЩt be exasperated, if I pass it by again with good temper,вБ†вАФbeing determined as long as I live or write (which in my case means the same thing) never to give the honest gentleman a worse word or a worse wish than my uncle Toby gave the fly which buzzвАЩd about his nose all dinnertime,вБ†вЄївАЬGo,вБ†вАФgo, poor devil,вАЭ quoth he,вБ†вАФвАЬget thee gone,вБ†вАФwhy should I hurt thee? This world is surely wide enough to hold both thee and me.вАЭ + 

V + 

Any man, Madam, reasoning upwards, and observing the prodigious suffusion of blood in my fatherвАЩs countenance,вБ†вАФby means of which (as all the blood in his body seemed to rush into his face, as I told you) he must have reddened, pictorically and scientifically speaking, six whole tints and a half, if not a full octave above his natural colour:вБ†вАФany man, Madam, but my uncle Toby, who had observed this, together with the violent knitting of my fatherвАЩs brows, and the extravagant contortion of his body during the whole affair,вБ†вАФwould have concluded my father in a rage; and taking that for granted,вБ†вАФhad he been a lover of such kind of concord as arises from two such instruments being put in exact tune,вБ†вАФhe would instantly have skrewвАЩd up his, to the same pitch;вБ†вАФand then the devil and all had broke looseвБ†вАФthe whole piece, Madam, must have been played off like the sixth of Avison ScarlattiвБ†вАФcon furia,вБ†вАФlike mad.вБ†вАФGrant me patience!вБ†вЄЇвБ†What has con furia,вБ†вЄЇвБ†con strepito,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or any other hurly burly whatever to do with harmony? + 

Any man, I say, Madam, but my uncle Toby, the benignity of whose heart interpreted every motion of the body in the kindest sense the motion would admit of, would have concluded my father angry, and blamed him too. My uncle Toby blamed nothing but the tailor who cut the pocket-hole;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so sitting still till my father had got his handkerchief out of it, and looking all the time up in his face with inexpressible goodwillвБ†вЄЇвБ†my father, at length, went on as follows. + 

VI + 

вАЬWhat prodigious armies you had in Flanders!вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†Brother Toby, quoth my father, I do believe thee to be as honest a man, and with as good and as upright a heart as ever God created;вБ†вАФnor is it thy fault, if all the children which have been, may, can, shall, will, or ought to be begotten, come with their heads foremost into the world:вБ†вЄЇвБ†but believe me, dear Toby, the accidents which unavoidably waylay them, not only in the article of our begetting вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†though these, in my opinion, are well worth considering,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but the dangers and difficulties our children are beset with, after they are got forth into the world, are enowвБ†вАФlittle need is there to expose them to unnecessary ones in their passage to it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Are these dangers, quoth my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon my fatherвАЩs knee, and looking up seriously in his face for an answer,вБ†вЄЇвБ†are these dangers greater now oвАЩ days, brother, than in times past? Brother Toby, answered my father, if a child was but fairly begot, and born alive, and healthy, and the mother did well after it,вБ†вАФour forefathers never looked farther.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby instantly withdrew his hand from off my fatherвАЩs knee, reclined his body gently back in his chair, raised his head till he could just see the cornice of the room, and then directing the buccinatory muscles along his cheeks, and the orbicular muscles around his lips to do their dutyвБ†вАФhe whistled Lillabullero. + 

VII + 

Whilst my uncle Toby was whistling Lillabullero to my father,вБ†вАФDr.¬†Slop was stamping, and cursing and damning at Obadiah at a most dreadful rate,вБ†вЄїit would have done your heart good, and cured you, Sir, forever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him; I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you. + 

When Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs maid delivered the green bays bag with her masterвАЩs instruments in it, to Obadiah, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body: so undoing the bowknot, to lengthen the strings for him, without any more ado, she helped him on with it. However, as this, in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest anything should bolt out in galloping back, at the speed Obadiah threatened, they consulted to take it off again: and in the great care and caution of their hearts, they had taken the two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth of the bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which Obadiah, to make all safe, had twitched and drawn together with all the strength of his body. + 

This answered all that Obadiah and the maid intended; but was no remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw. The instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much room to play in it, towards the bottom (the shape of the bag being conical) that Obadiah could not make a trot of it, but with such a terrible jingle, what with the tire t√™te, forceps, and squirt, as would have been enough, had Hymen been taking a jaunt that way, to have frightened him out of the country; but when Obadiah accelerated his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coach-horse into a full gallopвБ†вЄЇвБ†by Heaven! Sir, the jingle was incredible. + 

As Obadiah had a wife and three childrenвБ†вЄЇвБ†the turpitude of fornication, and the many other political ill consequences of this jingling, never once entered his brain,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had however his objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him, as it has ofttimes done with the greatest patriots.вБ†вЄЇвАЬThe poor fellow, Sir, was not able to hear himself whistle.вАЭ + 

VIII + 

As Obadiah loved wind-music preferably to all the instrumental music he carried with him,вБ†вАФhe very considerately set his imagination to work, to contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of enjoying it. + 

In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted, nothing is so apt to enter a manвАЩs head as his hatband:вБ†вЄЇвБ†the philosophy of this is so near the surfaceвБ†вЄЇвБ†I scorn to enter into it. + 

As ObadiahвАЩs was a mixвАЩd caseвБ†вЄЇвБ†mark, Sirs,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I say, a mixed case; for it was obstetrical,вБ†вЄЇвБ†scriptical, squirtical, papisticalвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†caballisticalвБ†вЄЇвБ†and only partly musical;вБ†вАФObadiah made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient which offered; so taking hold of the bag and instruments, and griping them hard together with one hand, and with the finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the hatband betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the middle of it,вБ†вАФhe tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other (as you would cord a trunk) with such a multiplicity of roundabouts and intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection or point where the strings met,вБ†вАФthat Dr.¬†Slop must have had three-fifths of JobвАЩs patience at least to have unloosed them.вБ†вАФI think in my conscience, that had Nature been in one of her nimble moods, and in humour for such a contestвБ†вЄЇвБ†and she and Dr.¬†Slop both fairly started togetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is no man living who had seen the bag with all that Obadiah had done to it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and known likewise the great speed the Goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have had the least doubt remaining in his mindвБ†вАФwhich of the two would have carried off the prize. My mother, Madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag infalliblyвБ†вЄЇвБ†at least by twenty knots.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sport of small accidents, Tristram Shandy! that thou art, and ever will be! had that trial been for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had,вБ†вЄЇвБ†thy affairs had not been so depressвАЩdвБ†вАФ(at least by the depression of thy nose) as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the occasions of making them, which have so often presented themselves in the course of thy life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so irrecoverably abandonedвБ†вАФas thou hast been forced to leave them;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but вАЩtis over,вБ†вЄЇвБ†all but the account of вАЩem, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the world. + 

IX + 

Great wits jump: for the moment Dr.¬†Slop cast his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with my uncle Toby about midwifery put him in mind of it)вБ†вАФthe very same thought occurred.вБ†вАФвАЩTis GodвАЩs mercy, quoth he (to himself) that Mrs.¬†Shandy has had so bad a time of it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†else she might have been brought to bed seven times told, before one half of these knots could have got untied.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But here you must distinguishвБ†вАФthe thought floated only in Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs mind, without sail or ballast to it, as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are every day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a manвАЩs understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side. + 

A sudden trampling in the room above, near my motherвАЩs bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of. By all thatвАЩs unfortunate, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, unless I make haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is. + 

X + 

In the case of knots,вБ†вАФby which, in the first place, I would not be understood to mean slipknotsвБ†вАФbecause in the course of my life and opinionsвБ†вАФmy opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr.¬†Hammond Shandy,вБ†вАФa little man,вБ†вАФbut of high fancy:вБ†вАФhe rushed into the duke of MonmouthвАЩs affair:вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots called bowknots;вБ†вАФthere is so little address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them.вБ†вАФBut by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his;вБ†вЄЇвБ†in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings throвАЩ the annulus or noose made by the second implication of themвБ†вАФto get them slippвАЩd and undone by.вБ†вАФI hope you apprehend me. + 

In the case of these knots then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictateвБ†вЄЇвБ†is to take our teeth or our fingers to them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop had lost his teethвБ†вАФhis favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knockвАЩd out three of the best of them with the handle of it:вБ†вЄїhe tried his fingersвБ†вАФalas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The trampling overhead near my motherвАЩs bedside increased.вБ†вАФPox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My mother gave a groan.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Lend me your penknifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I must eвАЩen cut the knots at lastвБ†вЄЇвБ†pugh!вБ†вЄЇвБ†psha!вБ†вАФLord! I have cut my thumb quite across to the very boneвБ†вЄЇвБ†curse the fellowвБ†вАФif there was not another man-midwife within fifty milesвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am undone for this boutвБ†вАФI wish the scoundrel hangвАЩdвБ†вАФI wish he was shotвБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead!вБ†вЄї + 

My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a mannerвБ†вАФhe had moreover some little respect for himselfвБ†вАФand could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it. + 

Had Dr.¬†Slop cut any part about him, but his thumbвБ†вЄЇвБ†my father had passвАЩd it byвБ†вАФhis prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge. + 

Small curses, Dr.¬†Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father (condoling with him first upon the accident), are but so much waste of our strength and soulвАЩs health to no manner of purpose.вБ†вАФI own it, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФThey are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his whistling), fired against a bastion.вБ†вЄЇвБ†They serve, continued my father, to stir the humoursвБ†вЄЇвБ†but carry off none of their acrimony:вБ†вАФfor my own part, I seldom swear or curse at allвБ†вАФI hold it badвБ†вЄЇвБ†but if I fall into it by surprise, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himselfвБ†вАФbut to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.вБ†вАФвАЬInjuries come only from the heart,вАЭвБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly happen to himвБ†вЄЇвБ†which forms being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimneypiece, within his reach, ready for use.вБ†вАФI never apprehended, replied Dr.¬†Slop, that such a thing was ever thought ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†much less executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pourвАЩd out the teaвБ†вАФвАЩtis here upon the shelf over my head;вБ†вАФbut if I remember right, вАЩtis too violent for a cut of the thumb.вБ†вАФNot at all, quoth Dr.¬†SlopвБ†вАФthe devil take the fellow.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Then, answered my father, вАЩTis much at your service, Dr.¬†SlopвБ†вАФon condition you will read it aloud;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by Ernulphus the bishopвБ†вЄЇвБ†with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernulphus himselfвБ†вАФhe put it into Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs hands.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as followsвБ†вЄїmy uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time. + 

Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanct√¶que et intemerat√¶ Virginis Dei genetricis Mari√¶,вБ†вАФ + 

вЄїAtque omnium c≈Уlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin,¬†& sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum,¬†& omnium apostolorum¬†& evangelistarum,¬†& sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus huncvel os furems, vel huncvel os malefactorems, N. N. et a liminibus sanct√¶ Dei ecclesi√¶ sequestramus, et √¶ternis suppliciis excruciandusvel i, mancipeturn, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede √† nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et sicut aqu√Ґ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur lucerna ejusvel eorum in secula seculorum nisi resipueritn, et ad satisfactionem veneritn. Amen. + 

Maledicat illumos Deus Pater qui hominem creavit. Maledicat illumos Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat illumos Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est. Maledicat illumos sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostr√Ґ salute hostem triumphans ascendit. + 

Maledicat illumos sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illumos sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum. Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia c≈Уlestis. + 

Maledicat illumos patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus. Maledicat illumos sanctus Johannes Pr√¶cusor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et c√¶teri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelist√¶, qui sua pr√¶dicatione mundum universum converterunt. Maledicat illumos cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est. + 

Maledicant illumos sacrarum virginum chori, qu√¶ mundi vana causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt. Maledicant illumos omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur. + 

Maledicant illumos c≈Уli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia. + 

Maledictusi sitn ubicunque fueritn, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in vi√Ґ, sive in semit√Ґ, sive in silv√Ґ, sive in aqu√Ґ, sive in ecclesi√Ґ. + 

Maledictusi sitn vivendo, moriendo, вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando. + 

Maledictusi sitn in totis viribus corporis, + 

Maledictusi sitn intus et exterius. + 

Maledictusi sitn in capillis; maledictusi sitn in cerebro. Maledictusi sitn in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, sive molaribus, in labiis, in guttere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in inguibus. + 

Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedisвБ†вАФnon sit in eo sanitas. + 

Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto su√¶ majestatis imperio.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†et insurgat adversus illum c≈Уlum cum omnibus virtutibus qu√¶ in eo moventur ad damnandum eum, nisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen. Fiat, fiat. Amen. + 

XI + 

вАЬBy the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour.вАЭ I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloudвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great inclination to hear itвБ†вЄїI may as well read it to myself. ThatвАЩs contrary to treaty, replied my father:вБ†вЄїbesides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr.¬†Slop did not altogether like it,вБ†вЄїbut my uncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them;вБ†вЄїDr.¬†Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle TobyвАЩs whistlingвБ†вЄїas suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrinвБ†вЄїhe read it aloud as followsвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before. + 

вАЬBy the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and elect of God,вБ†вЄЇвБ†May heвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬbe damnвАЩdвАЭ (for tying these knots)вБ†вЄЇвАЬWe excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out forevermore, unless it shall repent himвАЭ (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied) вАЬand make satisfactionвАЭ (for them) вАЬAmen.вАЭ + 

вАЬMay the Father who created man, curse him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May the Son who suffered for us, curse him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him (Obadiah)вБ†вЄЇвБ†May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him. + 

вАЬMay the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.вБ†вЄїMay St.¬†Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.вАЭ [Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄїbut nothing to this.вБ†вЄїFor my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.] + 

вАЬMay St.¬†John, the Pr√¶cursor, and St.¬†John the Baptist, and St.¬†Peter and St.¬†Paul, and St.¬†Andrew, and all other ChristвАЩs apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse himвАЭ (Obadiah). + 

вАЬMay the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn himвБ†вЄЇвБ†May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn himвБ†вЄїMay the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn himвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬor herвАЭ (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots). + 

вАЬMay he (Obadiah) be damnвАЩd wherever he beвБ†вЄЇвБ†whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May he be cursed in living, in dying.вАЭ [Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] вАЬMay he be cursed in eating, and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in bloodletting!вАЭ + 

вАЬMay heвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬbe cursed in all the faculties of his body! + 

вАЬMay he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!вБ†вЄїMay he be cursed in the hair of his head!вБ†вЄЇвБ†May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertexвАЭ (that is a sad curse, quoth my father), вАЬin his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eyebrows, in his cheeks, in his jawbones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers! + 

вАЬMay he be damnвАЩd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach! + 

вАЬMay he be cursed in his reins, and in his groinвАЭ (God in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle Toby), вАЬin his thighs, in his genitalsвАЭ (my father shook his head), вАЬand in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toenails! + 

вАЬMay he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him! + 

вАЬMay the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his MajestyвАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud WhewвБ†вАФwвБ†вАФwвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†something betwixt the interjectional whistle of Hay-day! and the word itself.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†By the golden beard of JupiterвБ†вАФand of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the by was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatickвБ†вАФto say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)вБ†вЄїall which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;вБ†вЄЇвБ†every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn byвБ†вАФby all these beards together thenвБ†вЄЇвБ†I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered hisвБ†вЄЇвБ†to have stood by, and heard my uncle TobyвАЩs accompanyment.] + 

вЄЇвАЬcurse him!вАЭ continued Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФвАЬand may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn himвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬunless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,вБ†вАФso be it. Amen.вАЭ + 

I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.вБ†вАФHe is the father of curses, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So am not I, replied my uncle.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But he is cursed, and damnвАЩd already, to all eternity, replied Dr.¬†Slop. + 

I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby. + 

Dr.¬†Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby the compliment of his WhuвБ†вАФuвБ†вАФuвБ†вАФor interjectional whistleвБ†вЄЇвБ†when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†put an end to the affair. + 

XII + 

Now donвАЩt let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to swear them,вБ†вЄЇвБ†imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too. + 

IвАЩll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:вБ†вЄЇвБ†though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing,вБ†вЄЇвБ†as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, etc., etc., the whole set of вАЩem are so hung round and befetishвАЩd with the bobs and trinkets of criticism,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or to drop my metaphor, which by the by is a pity,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for I have fetchвАЩd it as far as from the coast of Guiney;вБ†вАФtheir heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be prickвАЩd and tortured to death by вАЩem. + 

вАФAnd how did Garrick speak the soliloquy last night?вБ†вАФOh, against all rule, my lord,вБ†вАФmost ungrammatically! betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together in number, case, and gender, he made a breach thus,вБ†вАФstopping, as if the point wanted settling;вБ†вАФand betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and three-fifths by a stopwatch, my lord, each time,вБ†вАФAdmirable grammarian!вБ†вЄЇвБ†But in suspending his voiceвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?вБ†вЄїI lookвАЩd only at the stopwatch, my lord.вБ†вАФExcellent observer! + 

And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Oh! вАЩtis out of all plumb, my lord,вБ†вЄЇвБ†quite an irregular thing!вБ†вАФnot one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle.вБ†вАФI had my rule and compasses, etc., my lord, in my pocket.вБ†вАФExcellent critick! + 

вЄЇвБ†And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look atвБ†вЄЇвБ†upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of BossuвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions.вБ†вАФAdmirable connoisseur! + 

вЄЇвБ†And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back?вБ†вАФвАЩTis a melancholy daub! my lord; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and what a price!вБ†вЄЇвБ†for there is nothing of the colouring of TitianвБ†вАФthe expression of RubensвБ†вАФthe grace of RaphaelвБ†вАФthe purity of DominichinoвБ†вАФthe corregiescity of CorregioвБ†вАФthe learning of PoussinвБ†вАФthe airs of GuidoвБ†вАФthe taste of the CarrachisвБ†вАФor the grand contour of Angela.вБ†вАФGrant me patience, just Heaven!вБ†вАФOf all the cants which are canted in this canting worldвБ†вАФthough the cant of hypocrites may be the worstвБ†вЄЇвБ†the cant of criticism is the most tormenting! + 

I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his authorвАЩs handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†be pleased he knows not why, and cares not wherefore. + 

Great Apollo! if thou art in a giving humourвБ†вАФgive meвБ†вАФI ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire along with itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and send Mercury, with the rules and compasses, if he can be spared, with my compliments toвБ†вАФno matter. + 

Now to anyone else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last past as originalsвБ†вЄЇвБ†except St.¬†PaulвАЩs thumbвБ†вЄЇвБ†GodвАЩs flesh and GodвАЩs fish, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kingsвАЩ oaths, вАЩtis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh;вБ†вАФelse I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!вБ†вАФIt is thought to be no bad oathвБ†вЄЇвБ†and by itself passes very wellвБ†вАФвАЬGвБ†вЄЇвБ†d damn you.вАЭвБ†вАФSet it beside ErnulphusвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвАЬGod Almighty the Father damn youвБ†вАФGod the Son damn youвБ†вАФGod the Holy Ghost damn youвАЭвБ†вАФyou see вАЩtis nothing.вБ†вАФThere is an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his inventionвБ†вАФpossessвАЩd more of the excellencies of a swearerвБ†вЄЇвБ†had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulations,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that when Ernulphus cursedвБ†вАФno part escaped him.вБ†вАФвАЩTis true there is something of a hardness in his mannerвБ†вЄЇвБ†and, as in Michelangelo, a want of graceвБ†вЄЇвБ†but then there is such a greatness of gusto! + 

My father, who generally lookвАЩd upon everything in a light very different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an original.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He considered rather, ErnulphusвАЩs anathema, as an institute of swearing, in which, as he suspected, upon the decline of swearing in some milder pontificate, Ernulphus, by order of the succeeding pope, had with great learning and diligence collected together all the laws of it;вБ†вАФfor the same reason that Justinian, in the decline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor Tribonian to collect the Roman or civil laws all together into one code or digestвБ†вЄЇвБ†lest, through the rust of timeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the fatality of all things committed to oral traditionвБ†вАФthey should be lost to the world forever. + 

For this reason my father would ofttimes affirm, there was not an oath, from the great and tremendous oath of William the Conqueror (By the splendour of God) down to the lowest oath of a scavenger (Damn your eyes) which was not to be found in Ernulphus.вБ†вАФIn short, he would addвБ†вАФI defy a man to swear out of it. + 

The hypothesis is, like most of my fatherвАЩs, singular and ingenious too;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns my own. + 

XIII + 

вЄЇвБ†Bless my soul!вБ†вАФmy poor mistress is ready to faintвБ†вЄЇвБ†and her pains are goneвБ†вАФand the drops are doneвБ†вАФand the bottle of julap is brokeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the nurse has cut her armвБ†вАФ(and I, my thumb, cried Dr.¬†Slop,) and the child is where it was, continued Susannah,вБ†вАФand the midwife has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, and bruised her hip as black as your hat.вБ†вАФIвАЩll look at it, quoth Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФThere is no need of that, replied Susannah,вБ†вАФyou had better look at my mistressвБ†вАФbut the midwife would gladly first give you an account how things are, so desires you would go upstairs and speak to her this moment. + 

Human nature is the same in all professions. + 

The midwife had just before been put over Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs headвБ†вАФHe had not digested it,вБ†вАФNo, replied Dr.¬†Slop, вАЩtwould be full as proper, if the midwife came down to me.вБ†вАФI like subordination, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФand but for it, after the reduction of Lisle, I know not what might have become of the garrison of Ghent, in the mutiny for bread, in the year Ten.вБ†вАФNor, replied Dr.¬†Slop, (parodying my uncle TobyвАЩs hobbyhorsical reflection; though full as hobbyhorsical himself)вБ†вЄїdo I know, Captain Shandy, what might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and confusion I find all things are in at present, but for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to ******вБ†вЄїthe application of which, Sir, under this accident of mine, comes in so apropos, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by the Shandy family, as long as the Shandy family had a name. + 

XIV + 

Let us go back to the ******вБ†вЄЇвБ†in the last chapter. + 

It is a singular stroke of eloquence (at least it was so, when eloquence flourished at Athens and Rome, and would be so now, did orators wear mantles) not to mention the name of a thing, when you had the thing about you in petto, ready to produce, pop, in the place you want it. A scar, an axe, a sword, a pinkвАЩd doublet, a rusty helmet, a pound and a half of pot-ashes in an urn, or a three-halfpenny pickle potвБ†вАФbut above all, a tender infant royally accoutred.вБ†вАФThough if it was too young, and the oration as long as TullyвАЩs second PhilippickвБ†вАФit must certainly have beshit the oratorвАЩs mantle.вБ†вАФAnd then again, if too old,вБ†вАФit must have been unwieldy and incommodious to his actionвБ†вАФso as to make him lose by his child almost as much as he could gain by it.вБ†вАФOtherwise, when a state orator has hit the precise age to a minuteвБ†вЄЇвБ†hid his bambino in his mantle so cunningly that no mortal could smell itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and produced it so critically, that no soul could say, it came in by head and shouldersвБ†вАФOh Sirs! it has done wondersвБ†вАФIt has openвАЩd the sluices, and turnвАЩd the brains, and shook the principles, and unhinged the politicks of half a nation. + 

These feats however are not to be done, except in those states and times, I say, where orators wore mantlesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and pretty large ones too, my brethren, with some twenty or five-and-twenty yards of good purple, superfine, marketable cloth in themвБ†вАФwith large flowing folds and doubles, and in a great style of design.вБ†вАФAll which plainly shows, may it please your worships, that the decay of eloquence, and the little good service it does at present, both within and without doors, is owing to nothing else in the world, but short coats, and the disuse of trunk-hose.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We can conceal nothing under ours, Madam, worth showing. + 

XV + 

Dr.¬†Slop was within an ace of being an exception to all this argumentation: for happening to have his green bays bag upon his knees, when he began to parody my uncle TobyвБ†вАФвАЩtwas as good as the best mantle in the world to him: for which purpose, when he foresaw the sentence would end in his new-invented forceps, he thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in, when your reverences took so much notice of the ***, which had he managedвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby had certainly been overthrown: the sentence and the argument in that case jumping closely in one point, so like the two lines which form the salient angle of a ravelin,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop would never have given them up;вБ†вАФand my uncle Toby would as soon have thought of flying, as taking them by force: but Dr.¬†Slop fumbled so vilely in pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a ten times worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this life) in pulling out his forceps, his forceps unfortunately drew out the squirt along with it. + 

When a proposition can be taken in two sensesвБ†вАФвАЩtis a law in disputation, That the respondent may reply to which of the two he pleases, or finds most convenient for him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my uncle TobyвАЩs side.вБ†вЄЇвАЬGood God!вАЭ cried my uncle Toby, вАЬare children brought into the world with a squirt?вАЭ + 

XVI + 

вАФUpon my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of skin quite off the back of both my hands with your forceps, cried my uncle TobyвБ†вАФand you have crushвАЩd all my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly. вАЩTis your own fault, said Dr.¬†SlopвБ†вЄЇвБ†you should have clinchвАЩd your two fists together into the form of a childвАЩs head as I told you, and sat firm. I did so, answered my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Then the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently armвАЩd, or the rivet wants closingвБ†вАФor else the cut in my thumb has made me a little awkwardвБ†вАФor possiblyвБ†вАФвАЩTis well, quoth my father, interrupting the detail of possibilitiesвБ†вАФthat the experiment was not first made upon my childвАЩs headpiece.вБ†вЄїIt would not have been a cherrystone the worse, answered Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФI maintain it, said my uncle Toby, it would have broke the cerebellum (unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado) and turnвАЩd it all into a perfect posset.вБ†вЄїPshaw! replied Dr.¬†Slop, a childвАЩs head is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple;вБ†вАФthe sutures give wayвБ†вАФand besides, I could have extracted by the feet after.вБ†вАФNot you, said she.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my father. + 

Pray do, added my uncle Toby. + 

XVII + 

вЄЇвБ†And pray, good woman, after all, will you take upon you to say, it may not be the childвАЩs hip, as well as the childвАЩs head?вБ†вЄївАЩTis most certainly the head, replied the midwife. Because, continued Dr.¬†Slop (turning to my father) as positive as these old ladies generally areвБ†вАФвАЩtis a point very difficult to knowвБ†вАФand yet of the greatest consequence to be known;вБ†вЄЇвБ†because, Sir, if the hip is mistaken for the headвБ†вАФthere is a possibility (if it is a boy) that the forceps *¬†*¬†*¬†*¬†*¬†* + 

вЄЇвБ†What the possibility was, Dr.¬†Slop whispered very low to my father, and then to my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There is no such danger, continued he, with the head.вБ†вАФNo, in truth, quoth my fatherвБ†вАФbut when your possibility has taken place at the hipвБ†вАФyou may as well take off the head too. + 

вЄЇвБ†It is morally impossible the reader should understand thisвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis enough Dr.¬†Slop understood it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so taking the green bays bag in his hand, with the help of ObadiahвАЩs pumps, he trippвАЩd pretty nimbly, for a man of his size, across the room to the doorвБ†вЄїand from the door was shown the way, by the good old midwife, to my motherвАЩs apartments. + 

XVIII + 

It is two hours, and ten minutesвБ†вАФand no moreвБ†вАФcried my father, looking at his watch, since Dr.¬†Slop and Obadiah arrivedвБ†вАФand I know not how it happens, brother TobyвБ†вАФbut to my imagination it seems almost an age. + 

вЄЇвБ†HereвБ†вАФpray, Sir, take hold of my capвБ†вАФnay, take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles too. + 

Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make you a present of вАЩem, on condition you give me all your attention to this chapter. + 

Though my father said, вАЬhe knew not how it happenвАЩd,вАЭвБ†вАФyet he knew very well how it happenвАЩd;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and at the instant he spoke it, was predetermined in his mind to give my uncle Toby a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the subject of duration and its simple modes, in order to show my uncle Toby by what mechanism and mensurations in the brain it came to pass, that the rapid succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the discourse from one thing to another, since Dr.¬†Slop had come into the room, had lengthened out so short a period to so inconceivable an extent.вБ†вЄЇвАЬI know not how it happensвБ†вАФcried my father,вБ†вАФbut it seems an age.вАЭ + 

вЄЇвАЩTis owing entirely, quoth my uncle Toby, to the succession of our ideas. + 

My father, who had an itch, in common with all philosophers, of reasoning upon everything which happened, and accounting for it tooвБ†вАФproposed infinite pleasure to himself in this, of the succession of ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it snatchвАЩd out of his hands by my uncle Toby, who (honest man!) generally took everything as it happened;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and who, of all things in the world, troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking;вБ†вАФthe ideas of time and spaceвБ†вАФor how we came by those ideasвБ†вАФor of what stuff they were madeвБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether they were born with usвБ†вАФor we picked them up afterwards as we went alongвБ†вАФor whether we did it in frocksвБ†вЄЇвБ†or not till we had got into breechesвБ†вАФwith a thousand other inquiries and disputes about infinity, prescience, liberty, necessity, and so forth, upon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so many fine heads have been turned and crackedвБ†вЄЇвБ†never did my uncle TobyвАЩs the least injury at all; my father knew itвБ†вАФand was no less surprised than he was disappointed, with my uncleвАЩs fortuitous solution. + 

Do you understand the theory of that affair? replied my father. + 

Not I, quoth my uncle. + 

вАФBut you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk about?вБ†вАФ + 

No more than my horse, replied my uncle Toby. + 

Gracious heaven! cried my father, looking upwards, and clasping his two hands togetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is a worth in thy honest ignorance, brother TobyвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwere almost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge.вБ†вАФBut IвАЩll tell thee.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

To understand what time is aright, without which we never can comprehend infinity, insomuch as one is a portion of the otherвБ†вЄЇвБ†we ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea it is we have of duration, so as to give a satisfactory account how we came by it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What is that to anybody? quoth my uncle Toby. For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind, continued my father, and observe attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilst you and I are talking together, and thinking, and smoking our pipes, or whilst we receive successively ideas in our minds, we know that we do exist, and so we estimate the existence, or the continuation of the existence of ourselves, or anything else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing coexisting with our thinkingвБ†вЄЇвБ†and so according to that preconceivedвБ†вЄїYou puzzle me to death, cried my uncle Toby. + 

вЄївАЩTis owing to this, replied my father, that in our computations of time, we are so used to minutes, hours, weeks, and monthsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and of clocks (I wish there was not a clock in the kingdom) to measure out their several portions to us, and to those who belong to usвБ†вЄЇвБ†that вАЩtwill be well, if in time to come, the succession of our ideas be of any use or service to us at all. + 

Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father, in every sound manвАЩs head, there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other, which follow each other in train just likeвБ†вЄїA train of artillery? said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†A train of a fiddlestick!вБ†вАФquoth my fatherвБ†вАФwhich follow and succeed one another in our minds at certain distances, just like the images in the inside of a lantern turned round by the heat of a candle.вБ†вАФI declare, quoth my uncle Toby, mine are more like a smoak-jack.вБ†вЄїThen, brother Toby, I have nothing more to say to you upon that subject, said my father. + 

XIX + 

вЄЇвБ†What a conjecture was here lost!вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father in one of his best explanatory moodsвБ†вАФin eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the very regions, where clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed it about;вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby in one of the finest dispositions for it in the world;вБ†вАФhis head like a smoak-jack;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, all obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter!вБ†вАФBy the tombstone of LucianвБ†вЄЇвБ†if it is in beingвБ†вЄЇвБ†if not, why then by his ashes! by the ashes of my dear Rabelais, and dearer Cervantes!вБ†вЄїmy father and my uncle TobyвАЩs discourse upon time and eternityвБ†вЄЇвБ†was a discourse devoutly to be wished for! and the petulancy of my fatherвАЩs humour, in putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the Ontologic Treasury of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions and great men are ever likely to restore to it again. + 

XX + 

Though my father persisted in not going on with the discourseвБ†вАФyet he could not get my uncle TobyвАЩs smoak-jack out of his headвБ†вАФpiqued as he was at first with it;вБ†вАФthere was something in the comparison at the bottom, which hit his fancy; for which purpose, resting his elbow upon the table, and reclining the right side of his head upon the palm of his handвБ†вЄЇвБ†but looking first steadfastly in the fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†he began to commune with himself, and philosophize about it: but his spirits being wore out with the fatigues of investigating new tracts, and the constant exertion of his faculties upon that variety of subjects which had taken their turn in the discourseвБ†вЄїthe idea of the smoak-jack soon turned all his ideas upside downвБ†вАФso that he fell asleep almost before he knew what he was about. + 

As for my uncle Toby, his smoak-jack had not made a dozen revolutions, before he fell asleep also.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Peace be with them both!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop is engaged with the midwife and my mother above stairs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim is busy in turning an old pair of jackboots into a couple of mortars, to be employed in the siege of Messina next summerвБ†вАФand is this instant boring the touch-holes with the point of a hot poker.вБ†вЄЇвБ†All my heroes are off my hands;вБ†вАФвАЩtis the first time I have had a moment to spareвБ†вАФand IвАЩll make use of it, and write my preface. + 

The AuthorвАЩs Preface + 

No, IвАЩll not say a word about itвБ†вЄЇвБ†here it is;вБ†вАФin publishing itвБ†вАФI have appealed to the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†and to the world I leave it;вБ†вАФit must speak for itself. + 

All I know of the matter isвБ†вАФwhen I sat down, my intent was to write a good book; and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold outвБ†вАФa wise, aye, and a discreetвБ†вАФtaking care only, as I went along, to put into it all the wit and the judgment (be it more or less) which the great Author and Bestower of them had thought fit originally to give meвБ†вЄїso that, as your worships seeвБ†вАФвАЩtis just as God pleases. + 

Now, Agelastes (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth, That there may be some wit in it, for aught he knowsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but no judgment at all. And Triptolemus and Phutatorius agreeing thereto, ask, How is it possible there should? for that wit and judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch as they are two operations differing from each other as wide as east from westвБ†вЄїSo, says LockeвБ†вЄЇвБ†so are farting and hickuping, say I. But in answer to this, Didius the great church lawyer, in his code de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis, doth maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no argumentвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be a syllogism;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but you all, may it please your worships, see the better for itвБ†вЄїso that the main good these things do is only to clarify the understanding, previous to the application of the argument itself, in order to free it from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which, if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and spoil all. + 

Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able criticks, and fellow-labourers (for to you I write this Preface)вБ†вЄїand to you, most subtle statesmen and discreet doctors (doвБ†вАФpull off your beards) renowned for gravity and wisdom;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Monopolus, my politicianвБ†вАФDidius, my counsel; Kysarcius, my friend;вБ†вАФPhutatorius, my guide;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Gastripheres, the preserver of my life; Somnolentius, the balm and repose of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†not forgetting all others, as well sleeping as waking, ecclesiastical as civil, whom for brevity, but out of no resentment to you, I lump all together.вБ†вЄїBelieve me, right worthy, + 

My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf, and in my own too, in case the thing is not done already for usвБ†вЄЇвБ†is, that the great gifts and endowments both of wit and judgment, with everything which usually goes along with themвБ†вЄїsuch as memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick parts, and whatnot, may this precious moment, without stint or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm as each of us could bear itвБ†вАФscum and sediment and all (for I would not have a drop lost) into the several receptacles, cells, cellules, domiciles, dormitories, refectories, and spare places of our brainsвБ†вЄїin such sort, that they might continue to be injected and tunnвАЩd into, according to the true intent and meaning of my wish, until every vessel of them, both great and small, be so replenishвАЩd, saturated, and filled up therewith, that no more, would it save a manвАЩs life, could possibly be got either in or out. + 

Bless us!вБ†вАФwhat noble work we should make!вБ†вЄЇвБ†how should I tickle it off!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and what spirits should I find myself in, to be writing away for such readers!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and youвБ†вАФjust heaven!вБ†вЄЇвБ†with what raptures would you sit and readвБ†вАФbut oh!вБ†вАФвАЩtis too muchвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am sickвБ†вЄЇвБ†I faint away deliciously at the thoughts of itвБ†вАФвАЩtis more than nature can bear!вБ†вАФlay hold of meвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am giddyвБ†вАФI am stone blindвБ†вАФIвАЩm dyingвБ†вАФI am gone.вБ†вАФHelp! Help! Help!вБ†вАФBut holdвБ†вАФI grow something better again, for I am beginning to foresee, when this is over, that as we shall all of us continue to be great witsвБ†вАФwe should never agree amongst ourselves, one day to an end:вБ†вЄЇвБ†there would be so much satire and sarcasmвБ†вЄЇвБ†scoffing and flouting, with raillying and reparteeing of itвБ†вАФthrusting and parrying in one corner or anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†there would be nothing but mischief among usвБ†вЄЇвБ†Chaste stars! what biting and scratching, and what a racket and a clatter we should make, what with breaking of heads, rapping of knuckles, and hitting of sore placesвБ†вАФthere would be no such thing as living for us. + 

But then again, as we should all of us be men of great judgment, we should make up matters as fast as ever they went wrong; and though we should abominate each other ten times worse than so many devils or devilesses, we should nevertheless, my dear creatures, be all courtesy and kindness, milk and honeyвБ†вАФвАЩtwould be a second land of promiseвБ†вАФa paradise upon earth, if there was such a thing to be hadвБ†вАФso that upon the whole we should have done well enough. + 

All I fret and fume at, and what most distresses my invention at present, is how to bring the point itself to bear; for as your worships well know, that of these heavenly emanations of wit and judgment, which I have so bountifully wished both for your worships and myselfвБ†вАФthere is but a certain quantum stored up for us all, for the use and behoof of the whole race of mankind; and such small modicums of вАЩem are only sent forth into this wide world, circulating here and there in one bye corner or anotherвБ†вАФand in such narrow streams, and at such prodigious intervals from each other, that one would wonder how it holds out, or could be sufficient for the wants and emergencies of so many great estates, and populous empires. + 

Indeed there is one thing to be considered, that in Nova Zembla, North Lapland, and in all those cold and dreary tracts of the globe, which lie more directly under the arctick and antarctick circles, where the whole province of a manвАЩs concernments lies for near nine months together within the narrow compass of his caveвБ†вАФwhere the spirits are compressed almost to nothingвБ†вАФand where the passions of a man, with everything which belongs to them, are as frigid as the zone itselfвБ†вАФthere the least quantity of judgment imaginable does the businessвБ†вАФand of witвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is a total and an absolute savingвБ†вАФfor as not one spark is wantedвБ†вАФso not one spark is given. Angels and ministers of grace defend us! what a dismal thing would it have been to have governed a kingdom, to have fought a battle, or made a treaty, or run a match, or wrote a book, or got a child, or held a provincial chapter there, with so plentiful a lack of wit and judgment about us! For mercyвАЩs sake, let us think no more about it, but travel on as fast as we can southwards into NorwayвБ†вАФcrossing over Swedeland, if you please, through the small triangular province of Angermania to the lake of Bothnia; coasting along it through east and west Bothnia, down to Carelia, and so on, through all those states and provinces which border upon the far side of the Gulf of Finland, and the northeast of the Baltick, up to Petersbourg, and just stepping into Ingria;вБ†вАФthen stretching over directly from thence through the north parts of the Russian empireвБ†вАФleaving Siberia a little upon the left hand, till we got into the very heart of Russian and Asiatick Tartary. + 

Now throughout this long tour which I have led you, you observe the good people are better off by far, than in the polar countries which we have just left:вБ†вАФfor if you hold your hand over your eyes, and look very attentively, you may perceive some small glimmerings (as it were) of wit, with a comfortable provision of good plain household judgment, which, taking the quality and quantity of it together, they make a very good shift withвБ†вЄїand had they more of either the one or the other, it would destroy the proper balance betwixt them, and I am satisfied moreover they would want occasions to put them to use. + 

Now, Sir, if I conduct you home again into this warmer and more luxuriant island, where you perceive the spring-tide of our blood and humours runs highвБ†вЄїwhere we have more ambition, and pride, and envy, and lechery, and other whoreson passions upon our hands to govern and subject to reasonвБ†вЄїthe height of our wit, and the depth of our judgment, you see, are exactly proportioned to the length and breadth of our necessitiesвБ†вЄїand accordingly we have them sent down amongst us in such a flowing kind of descent and creditable plenty, that no one thinks he has any cause to complain. + 

It must however be confessed on this head, that, as our air blows hot and coldвБ†вАФwet and dry, ten times in a day, we have them in no regular and settled way;вБ†вАФso that sometimes for near half a century together, there shall be very little wit or judgment either to be seen or heard of amongst us:вБ†вЄЇвБ†the small channels of them shall seem quite dried upвБ†вЄЇвБ†then all of a sudden the sluices shall break out, and take a fit of running again like furyвБ†вЄЇвБ†you would think they would never stop:вБ†вЄЇвБ†and then it is, that in writing, and fighting, and twenty other gallant things, we drive all the world before us. + 

It is by these observations, and a wary reasoning by analogy in that kind of argumentative process, which Suidas calls dialectick inductionвБ†вЄїthat I draw and set up this position as most true and veritable; + 

That of these two luminaries so much of their irradiations are suffered from time to time to shine down upon us, as he, whose infinite wisdom which dispenses everything in exact weight and measure, knows will just serve to light us on our way in this night of our obscurity; so that your reverences and worships now find out, nor is it a moment longer in my power to conceal it from you, That the fervent wish in your behalf with which I set out, was no more than the first insinuating How dвАЩye of a caressing prefacer, stifling his reader, as a lover sometimes does a coy mistress, into silence. For alas! could this effusion of light have been as easily procured, as the exordium wished itвБ†вАФI tremble to think how many thousands for it, of benighted travellers (in the learned sciences at least) must have groped and blundered on in the dark, all the nights of their livesвБ†вЄЇвБ†running their heads against posts, and knocking out their brains without ever getting to their journies end;вБ†вЄЇвБ†some falling with their noses perpendicularly into sinksвБ†вЄЇвБ†others horizontally with their tails into kennels. Here one half of a learned profession tilting full but against the other half of it, and then tumbling and rolling one over the other in the dirt like hogs.вБ†вАФHere the brethren of another profession, who should have run in opposition to each other, flying on the contrary like a flock of wild geese, all in a row the same way.вБ†вАФWhat confusion!вБ†вАФwhat mistakes!вБ†вЄЇвБ†fiddlers and painters judging by their eyes and earsвБ†вАФadmirable!вБ†вАФtrusting to the passions excitedвБ†вАФin an air sung, or a story painted to the heartвБ†вЄЇвБ†instead of measuring them by a quadrant. + 

In the foreground of this picture, a statesman turning the political wheel, like a brute, the wrong way roundвБ†вЄЇвБ†against the stream of corruptionвБ†вАФby Heaven!вБ†вЄЇвБ†instead of with¬†it. + 

In this corner, a son of the divine Esculapius, writing a book against predestination; perhaps worseвБ†вАФfeeling his patientвАЩs pulse, instead of his apothecaryвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†a brother of the Faculty in the background upon his knees in tearsвБ†вАФdrawing the curtains of a mangled victim to beg his forgiveness;вБ†вАФoffering a feeвБ†вАФinstead of taking one. + 

In that spacious hall, a coalition of the gown, from all the bars of it, driving a damnвАЩd, dirty, vexatious cause before them, with all their might and main, the wrong way!вБ†вЄЇвБ†kicking it out of the great doors, instead of inвБ†вЄЇвБ†and with such fury in their looks, and such a degree of inveteracy in their manner of kicking it, as if the laws had been originally made for the peace and preservation of mankind:вБ†вЄЇвБ†perhaps a more enormous mistake committed by them stillвБ†вЄїa litigated point fairly hung up;вБ†вЄїfor instance, Whether John oвАЩNokes his nose could stand in Tom oвАЩStiles his face, without a trespass, or notвБ†вАФrashly determined by them in five-and-twenty minutes, which, with the cautious pros and cons required in so intricate a proceeding, might have taken up as many monthsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if carried on upon a military plan, as your honours know an action should be, with all the stratagems practicable therein,вБ†вЄїsuch as feints,вБ†вЄЇвБ†forced marches,вБ†вЄЇвБ†surprisesвБ†вЄЇвБ†ambuscadesвБ†вЄЇвБ†mask-batteries, and a thousand other strokes of generalship, which consist in catching at all advantages on both sidesвБ†вЄїmight reasonably have lasted them as many years, finding food and raiment all that term for a centumvirate of the profession. + 

As for the ClergyвБ†вЄїNoвБ†вЄЇвБ†if I say a word against them, IвАЩll be shot.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I have no desire;вБ†вАФand besides, if I hadвБ†вАФI durst not for my soul touch upon the subjectвБ†вЄЇвБ†with such weak nerves and spirits, and in the condition I am in at present, вАЩtwould be as much as my life was worth, to deject and contrist myself with so bad and melancholy an accountвБ†вАФand therefore вАЩtis safer to draw a curtain across, and hasten from it, as fast as I can, to the main and principal point I have undertaken to clear upвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that is, How it comes to pass, that your men of least wit are reported to be men of most judgment.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But markвБ†вАФI say, reported to beвБ†вАФfor it is no more, my dear Sirs, than a report, and which, like twenty others taken up every day upon trust, I maintain to be a vile and a malicious report into the bargain. + 

This by the help of the observation already premised, and I hope already weighed and perpended by your reverences and worships, I shall forthwith make appear. + 

I hate set dissertationsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and above all things in the world, вАЩtis one of the silliest things in one of them, to darken your hypothesis by placing a number of tall, opake words, one before another, in a right line, betwixt your own and your readerвАЩs conceptionвБ†вАФwhen in all likelihood, if you had looked about, you might have seen something standing, or hanging up, which would have cleared the point at onceвБ†вАФвАЬfor what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, if even from a sot, a pot, a fool, a stool, a winter-mittain, a truckle for a pully, the lid of a goldsmithвАЩs crucible, an oil bottle, an old slipper, or a cane chair?вАЭвБ†вАФI am this moment sitting upon one. Will you give me leave to illustrate this affair of wit and judgment, by the two knobs on the top of the back of it?вБ†вАФthey are fastened on, you see, with two pegs stuck slightly into two gimlet-holes, and will place what I have to say in so clear a light, as to let you see through the drift and meaning of my whole preface, as plainly as if every point and particle of it was made up of sunbeams. + 

I enter now directly upon the point. + 

вАФHere stands witвБ†вАФand there stands judgment, close beside it, just like the two knobs IвАЩm speaking of, upon the back of this selfsame chair on which I am sitting. + 

вАФYou see, they are the highest and most ornamental parts of its frameвБ†вАФas wit and judgment are of oursвБ†вАФand like them too, indubitably both made and fitted to go together, in order, as we say in all such cases of duplicated embellishmentsвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†to answer one another. + 

Now for the sake of an experiment, and for the clearer illustrating this matterвБ†вАФlet us for a moment take off one of these two curious ornaments (I care not which) from the point or pinnacle of the chair it now stands onвБ†вАФnay, donвАЩt laugh at it,вБ†вАФbut did you ever see, in the whole course of your lives, such a ridiculous business as this has made of it?вБ†вАФWhy, вАЩtis as miserable a sight as a sow with one ear; and there is just as much sense and symmetry in the one as in the other:вБ†вЄЇвБ†doвБ†вЄЇвБ†pray, get off your seats only to take a view of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now would any man who valued his character a straw, have turned a piece of work out of his hand in such a condition?вБ†вАФnay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and answer this plain question, Whether this one single knob, which now stands here like a blockhead by itself, can serve any purpose upon earth, but to put one in mind of the want of the other?вБ†вАФand let me farther ask, in case the chair was your own, if you would not in your consciences think, rather than be as it is, that it would be ten times better without any knob at all? + 

Now these two knobsвБ†вЄїor top ornaments of the mind of man, which crown the whole entablatureвБ†вЄЇвБ†being, as I said, wit and judgment, which of all others, as I have proved it, are the most needfulвБ†вЄЇвБ†the most prizвАЩdвБ†вАФthe most calamitous to be without, and consequently the hardest to come atвБ†вАФfor all these reasons put together, there is not a mortal among us, so destitute of a love of good fame or feedingвБ†вЄЇвБ†or so ignorant of what will do him good thereinвБ†вАФwho does not wish and steadfastly resolve in his own mind, to be, or to be thought at least, master of the one or the other, and indeed of both of them, if the thing seems anyway feasible, or likely to be brought to pass. + 

Now your graver gentry having little or no kind of chance in aiming at the oneвБ†вАФunless they laid hold of the other,вБ†вЄЇвБ†pray what do you think would become of them?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, Sirs, in spite of all their gravities, they must eвАЩen have been contented to have gone with their insides nakedвБ†вЄЇвБ†this was not to be borne, but by an effort of philosophy not to be supposed in the case we are uponвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that no one could well have been angry with them, had they been satisfied with what little they could have snatched up and secreted under their cloaks and great perriwigs, had they not raised a hue and cry at the same time against the lawful owners. + 

I need not tell your worships, that this was done with so much cunning and artificeвБ†вЄЇвБ†that the great Locke, who was seldom outwitted by false soundsвБ†вЄїwas nevertheless bubbled here. The cry, it seems, was so deep and solemn a one, and what with the help of great wigs, grave faces, and other implements of deceit, was rendered so general a one against the poor wits in this matter, that the philosopher himself was deceived by itвБ†вАФit was his glory to free the world from the lumber of a thousand vulgar errors;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but this was not of the number; so that instead of sitting down coolly, as such a philosopher should have done, to have examined the matter of fact before he philosophised upon itвБ†вЄЇвБ†on the contrary he took the fact for granted, and so joined in with the cry, and hallooвАЩd it as boisterously as the rest. + 

This has been made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever sinceвБ†вЄЇвБ†but your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained in such a manner, that the title to it is not worth a groat:вБ†вЄЇвБ†which by the by is one of the many and vile impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer for hereafter. + 

As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind too freelyвБ†вЄїI beg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly said to their dispraise or prejudice, by one general declarationвБ†вЄЇвБ†That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or long beards, any farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow on purpose to carry on this selfsame impostureвБ†вАФfor any purposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†peace be with them!вБ†вАФвШЮ mark onlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I write not for them. + 

XXI + 

Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have it mendedвБ†вАФвАЩtis not mended yet;вБ†вАФno family but ours would have borne with it an hourвБ†вЄЇвБ†and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of door-hinges.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of the greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can produce: his rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs.вБ†вАФNever did the parlour-door openвБ†вАФbut his philosophy or his principles fell a victim to it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†three drops of oil with a feather, and a smart stroke of a hammer, had saved his honour forever. + 

вЄЇвБ†Inconsistent soul that man is!вБ†вЄЇвБ†languishing under wounds, which he has the power to heal!вБ†вАФhis whole life a contradiction to his knowledge!вБ†вАФhis reason, that precious gift of God to himвБ†вАФ(instead of pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his sensibilitiesвБ†вАФto multiply his pains, and render him more melancholy and uneasy under themвБ†вАФPoor unhappy creature, that he should do so!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow;вБ†вАФstruggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit to others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would remove from his heart forever? + 

By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of Shandy HallвБ†вЄїthe parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign. + 

XXII + 

When Corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them directly into his parlour. + 

Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of hinges, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is this. + 

Had the parlour door opened and turnвАЩd upon its hinges, as a door should doвБ†вАФ + 

Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its hingesвБ†вЄЇ(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your worship,вБ†вАФotherwise I give up my simile)вБ†вАФin this case, I say, there had been no danger either to master or man, in Corporal TrimвАЩs peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleepвБ†вАФthe respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would have retired as silent as death, and left them both in their armchairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them: but the thing was, morally speaking, so very impracticable, that for the many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out of order, and amongst the hourly grievances my father submitted to upon its accountвБ†вАФthis was one; that he never folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts of being unavoidably awakened by the first person who should open the door, was always uppermost in his imagination, and so incessantly steppвАЩd in betwixt him and the first balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as he often declared, of the whole sweets of it. + 

вАЬWhen things move upon bad hinges, anвАЩ please your lordships, how can it be otherwise?вАЭ + 

Pray whatвАЩs the matter? Who is there? cried my father, waking, the moment the door began to creak.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish the smith would give a peep at that confounded hinge.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis nothing, anвАЩ please your honour, said Trim, but two mortars I am bringing in.вБ†вАФThey shanвАЩt make a clatter with them here, cried my father hastily.вБ†вАФIf Dr.¬†Slop has any drugs to pound, let him do it in the kitchen.вБ†вАФMay it please your honour, cried Trim, they are two mortar-pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of jackboots, which Obadiah told me your honour had left off wearing.вБ†вАФBy Heaven! cried my father, springing out of his chair, as he sworeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have not one appointment belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these jackbootsвБ†вЄЇвБ†they were our great grandfatherвАЩs, brother TobyвБ†вАФthey were hereditary. Then I fear, quoth my uncle Toby, Trim has cut off the entail.вБ†вАФI have only cut off the tops, anвАЩ please your honour, cried TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†I hate perpetuities as much as any man alive, cried my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†but these jackboots, continued he (smiling, though very angry at the same time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil wars;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marston-Moor.вБ†вАФI declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll pay you the money, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket as he viewed themвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my heart and soul.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Brother Toby, replied my father, altering his tone, you care not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he, вАЩtis but upon a siege.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay? cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФWhat is thatвБ†вАФreplied my father hastilyвБ†вАФto ten pounds for a pair of jackboots?вБ†вАФtwelve guineas for your pontoons?вБ†вАФhalf as much for your Dutch drawbridge?вБ†вАФto say nothing of the train of little brass artillery you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of Messina: believe me, dear brother Toby, continued my father, taking him kindly by the handвБ†вАФthese military operations of yours are above your strength;вБ†вАФyou mean well, brotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†but they carry you into greater expenses than you were first aware of;вБ†вАФand take my word, dear Toby, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.вБ†вАФWhat signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle Toby, so long as we know вАЩtis for the good of the nation?вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My father could not help smiling for his soulвБ†вАФhis anger at the worst was never more than a spark;вБ†вАФand the zeal and simplicity of TrimвБ†вАФand the generous (though hobbyhorsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant. + 

Generous souls!вБ†вАФGod prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too! quoth my father to himself. + 

XXIII + 

All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairsвБ†вАФI hear not one foot stirring.вБ†вАФPrithee, Trim, whoвАЩs in the kitchen? There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered Trim, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФConfusion! cried my father (getting up upon his legs a second time)вБ†вАФnot one single thing was gone right this day! had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the by, my father had), I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, I thought Dr.¬†Slop had been above stairs with my wife, and so said you.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen!вБ†вАФHe is busy, anвАЩ please your honour, replied Trim, in making a bridge.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby:вБ†вЄїpray, give my humble service to Dr.¬†Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily. + 

You must know, my uncle Toby mistook the bridgeвБ†вАФas widely as my father mistook the mortars;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but to understand how my uncle Toby could mistake the bridgeвБ†вАФI fear I must give you an exact account of the road which led to it;вБ†вАФor to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more dishonest in an historian than the use of one)вБ†вЄЇвБ†in order to conceive the probability of this error in my uncle Toby aright, I must give you some account of an adventure of TrimвАЩs, though much against my will, I say much against my will, only because the story, in one sense, is certainly out of its place here; for by right it should come in, either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle TobyвАЩs amours with widow Wadman, in which corporal Trim was no mean actorвБ†вАФor else in the middle of his and my uncle TobyвАЩs campaigns on the bowling-greenвБ†вАФfor it will do very well in either place;вБ†вАФbut then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I ruin the story IвАЩm upon;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if I tell it hereвБ†вАФI anticipate matters, and ruin it there. + 

вАФWhat would your worships have me to do in this case? + 

вАФTell it, Mr.¬†Shandy, by all means.вБ†вАФYou are a fool, Tristram, if you do. + 

O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too)вБ†вАФwhich enable mortal man to tell a story worth the hearingвБ†вЄїthat kindly show him, where he is to begin itвБ†вАФand where he is to end itвБ†вЄЇвБ†what he is to put into itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and what he is to leave outвБ†вАФhow much of it he is to cast into a shadeвБ†вАФand whereabouts he is to throw his light!вБ†вАФYe, who preside over this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into;вБ†вЄЇвБ†will you do one thing? + 

I beg and beseech you (in case you will do nothing better for us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they have done just hereвБ†вЄЇвБ†that at least you set up a guidepost in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which of the three he is to take. + 

XXIV + 

Though the shock my uncle Toby received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow Wadman, had fixed him in a resolution never more to think of the sexвБ†вАФor of aught which belonged to it;вБ†вАФyet corporal Trim had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed in my uncle TobyвАЩs case there was a strange and unaccountable concurrence of circumstances, which insensibly drew him in, to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In TrimвАЩs case there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and Bridget in the kitchen;вБ†вАФthough in truth, the love and veneration he bore his master was such, and so fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my uncle Toby employed his time and genius in tagging of pointsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with pleasure. When therefore my uncle Toby sat down before the mistressвБ†вАФcorporal Trim incontinently took ground before the maid. + 

Now, my dear friend Garrick, whom I have so much cause to esteem and honourвБ†вАФ(why, or wherefore, вАЩtis no matter)вБ†вАФcan it escape your penetrationвБ†вАФI defy itвБ†вАФthat so many playwrights, and opificers of chitchat have ever since been working upon TrimвАЩs and my uncle TobyвАЩs pattern.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I care not what Aristotle, or Pacuvius, or Bossu, or Ricaboni sayвБ†вАФ(though I never read one of them)вБ†вЄЇвБ†there is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and madam PompadourвАЩs vis-√†-vis; than betwixt a single amour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four, prancing throughout a grand dramaвБ†вЄЇвБ†Sir, a simple, single, silly affair of that kindвБ†вАФis quite lost in five acts;вБ†вАФbut that is neither here nor there. + 

After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my uncle TobyвАЩs quarter, a most minute account of every particular of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle Toby, honest man! found it necessary to draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly. + 

Corporal Trim, as I said, had made no such bargain either with himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†or with anyone elseвБ†вЄЇвБ†the fidelity however of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with disgustвБ†вЄЇвБ†he contented himself with turning his part of the siege into a blockade;вБ†вАФthat is, he kept others off;вБ†вАФfor though he never after went to the house, yet he never met Bridget in the village, but he would either nod or wink, or smile, or look kindly at herвБ†вАФor (as circumstances directed) he would shake her by the handвБ†вАФor ask her lovingly how she didвБ†вАФor would give her a ribbonвБ†вАФand now-and-then, though never but when it could be done with decorum, would give Bridget¬†aвБ†вАФ + 

Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five years; that is, from the demolition of Dunkirk in the year 13, to the latter end of my uncle TobyвАЩs campaign in the year 18, which was about six or seven weeks before the time IвАЩm speaking of.вБ†вЄЇвБ†When Trim, as his custom was, after he had put my uncle Toby to bed, going down one moonshiny night to see that everything was right at his fortificationsвБ†вЄЇвБ†in the lane separated from the bowling-green with flowering shrubs and hollyвБ†вАФhe espied his Bridget. + 

As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth showing as the glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had made, Trim courteously and gallantly took her by the hand, and led her in: this was not done so privately, but that the foul-mouthвАЩd trumpet of Fame carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reachвАЩd my fatherвАЩs, with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my uncle TobyвАЩs curious drawbridge, constructed and painted after the Dutch fashion, and which went quite across the ditchвБ†вАФwas broke down, and somehow or other crushed all to pieces that very night. + 

My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle TobyвАЩs hobbyhorse, he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever gentleman mounted; and indeed unless my uncle Toby vexed him about it, could never think of it once, without smiling at itвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that it could never get lame or happen any mischance, but it tickled my fatherвАЩs imagination beyond measure; but this being an accident much more to his humour than any one which had yet befallвАЩn it, it proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†WellвБ†вЄЇвБ†but dear Toby! my father would say, do tell me seriously how this affair of the bridge happened.вБ†вЄЇвБ†How can you tease me so much about it? my uncle Toby would replyвБ†вАФI have told it you twenty times, word for word as Trim told it me.вБ†вАФPrithee, how was it then, corporal? my father would cry, turning to Trim.вБ†вАФIt was a mere misfortune, anвАЩ please your honour;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I was showing Mrs.¬†Bridget our fortifications, and in going too near the edge of the fosse, I unfortunately slippвАЩd inвБ†вЄЇвБ†Very well, Trim! my father would cryвБ†вЄЇ(smiling mysteriously, and giving a nodвБ†вАФbut without interrupting him)вБ†вЄЇвБ†and being linkвАЩd fast, anвАЩ please your honour, arm in arm with Mrs.¬†Bridget, I draggвАЩd her after me, by means of which she fell backwards soss against the bridgeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and TrimвАЩs foot (my uncle Toby would cry, taking the story out of his mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full against the bridge too.вБ†вАФIt was a thousand to one, my uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow did not break his leg.вБ†вЄїAy truly, my father would sayвБ†вЄЇвБ†a limb is soon broke, brother Toby, in such encounters.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And so, anвАЩ please your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows was a very slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces. + 

At other times, but especially when my uncle Toby was so unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs, or petardsвБ†вАФmy father would exhaust all the stores of his eloquence (which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon the battering-rams of the ancientsвБ†вАФthe vinea which Alexander made use of at the siege of Troy.вБ†вАФHe would tell my uncle Toby of the catapult√¶ of the Syrians, which threw such monstrous stones so many hundred feet, and shook the strongest bulwarks from their very foundation:вБ†вАФhe would go on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the ballista which Marcellinus makes so much rout about!вБ†вАФthe terrible effects of the pyroboli, which cast fire;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the danger of the terebra and scorpio, which cast javelins.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But what are these, would he say, to the destructive machinery of corporal Trim?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Believe me, brother Toby, no bridge, or bastion, or sally-port, that ever was constructed in this world, can hold out against such artillery. + 

My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against the force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle Toby leapвАЩd up without feeling the pain upon his groinвБ†вАФand, with infinite pity, stood beside his brotherвАЩs chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little officesвБ†вАФcut my father throвАЩ his reins, for the pain he had just been giving him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May my brains be knockвАЩd out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himselfвБ†вАФif ever I insult this worthy soul more! + 

XXV + 

The drawbridge being held irreparable, Trim was ordered directly to set about anotherвБ†вЄїbut not upon the same model: for cardinal AlberoniвАЩs intrigues at that time being discovered, and my uncle Toby rightly foreseeing that a flame would inevitably break out betwixt Spain and the Empire, and that the operations of the ensuing campaign must in all likelihood be either in Naples or SicilyвБ†вЄЇвБ†he determined upon an Italian bridgeвБ†вАФ(my uncle Toby, by the by, was not far out of his conjectures)вБ†вЄЇвБ†but my father, who was infinitely the better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle Toby took it of him in the fieldвБ†вЄїconvinced him, that if the king of Spain and the Emperor went together by the ears, England and France and Holland must, by force of their pre-engagements, all enter the lists too;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if so, he would say, the combatants, brother Toby, as sure as we are alive, will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old prizefighting stage of Flanders;вБ†вАФthen what will you do with your Italian bridge? + 

вАФWe will go on with it then upon the old model, cried my uncle Toby. + 

When Corporal Trim had about half finished it in that styleвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby found out a capital defect in it, which he had never thoroughly considered before. It turned, it seems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the middle, one half of which turning to one side of the fosse, and the other to the other; the advantage of which was this, that by dividing the weight of the bridge into two equal portions, it impowered my uncle Toby to raise it up or let it down with the end of his crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrison was weak, was as much as he could well spareвБ†вАФbut the disadvantages of such a construction were insurmountable;вБ†вЄЇвБ†for by this means, he would say, I leave one half of my bridge in my enemyвАЩs possessionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and pray of what use is the other? + 

The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his bridge fast only at one end with hinges, so that the whole might be lifted up together, and stand bolt uprightвБ†вЄїbut that was rejected for the reason given above. + 

For a whole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of that particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally, to hinder a passage; and to thrust forwards again to gain a passageвБ†вАФof which sorts your worship might have seen three famous ones at Spires before its destructionвБ†вАФand one now at Brisac, if I mistake not;вБ†вАФbut my father advising my uncle Toby, with great earnestness, to have nothing more to do with thrusting bridgesвБ†вАФand my uncle foreseeing moreover that it would but perpetuate the memory of the CorporalвАЩs misfortuneвБ†вАФhe changed his mind for that of the marquis dвАЩH√іpitalвАЩs invention, which the younger Bernouilli has so well and learnedly described, as your worships may seeвБ†вЄїAct. Erud. Lips. an. 1695вБ†вАФto these a lead weight is an eternal balance, and keeps watch as well as a couple of sentinels, inasmuch as the construction of them was a curve line approximating to a cycloidвБ†вЄїif not a cycloid itself. + 

My uncle Toby understood the nature of a parabola as well as any man in EnglandвБ†вАФbut was not quite such a master of the cycloid;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he talked however about it every dayвБ†вЄЇвБ†the bridge went not forwards.вБ†вЄЇвБ†WeвАЩll ask somebody about it, cried my uncle Toby to Trim. + 

XXVI + 

When Trim came in and told my father, that Dr.¬†Slop was in the kitchen, and busy in making a bridgeвБ†вАФmy uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†the affair of the jackboots having just then raised a train of military ideas in his brainвБ†вЄЇвБ†took it instantly for granted that Dr.¬†Slop was making a model of the marquis dвАЩH√іpitalвАЩs bridge.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby;вБ†вАФpray give my humble service to Dr.¬†Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily. + 

Had my uncle TobyвАЩs head been a SavoyardвАЩs box, and my father peeping in all the time at one end of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it could not have given him a more distinct conception of the operations of my uncle TobyвАЩs imagination, than what he had; so, notwithstanding the catapulta and battering-ram, and his bitter imprecation about them, he was just beginning to triumphвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

When TrimвАЩs answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twisted it to pieces. + 

XXVII + 

вЄЇвБ†This unfortunate drawbridge of yours, quoth my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†God bless your honour, cried Trim, вАЩtis a bridge for masterвАЩs nose.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In bringing him into the world with his vile instruments, he has crushed his nose, Susannah says, as flat as a pancake to his face, and he is making a false bridge with a piece of cotton and a thin piece of whalebone out of SusannahвАЩs stays, to raise it up. + 

вЄЇвБ†Lead me, brother Toby, cried my father, to my room this instant. + 

XXVIII + 

From the first moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of the world, and my opinions for its instruction, has a cloud insensibly been gathering over my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†A tide of little evils and distresses has been setting in against him.вБ†вАФNot one thing, as he observed himself, has gone right: and now is the storm thickenвАЩd and going to break, and pour down full upon his head. + 

I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy frame of mind that ever sympathetic breast was touched with.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My nerves relax as I tell it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Every line I write, I feel an abatement of the quickness of my pulse, and of that careless alacrity with it, which every day of my life prompts me to say and write a thousand things I should not.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And this moment that I last dippвАЩd my pen into my ink, I could not help taking notice what a cautious air of sad composure and solemnity there appearвАЩd in my manner of doing it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Lord! how different from the rash jerks and hair-brainвАЩd squirts thou art wont, Tristram, to transact it with in other humoursвБ†вАФdropping thy penвБ†вЄЇвБ†spurting thy ink about thy table and thy booksвБ†вАФas if thy pen and thy ink, thy books and furniture cost thee nothing! + 

XXIX + 

вЄЇвБ†I wonвАЩt go about to argue the point with youвБ†вАФвАЩtis soвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I am persuaded of it, madam, as much as can be, вАЬThat both man and woman bear pain or sorrow (and, for aught I know, pleasure too) best in a horizontal position.вАЭ + 

The moment my father got up into his chamber, he threw himself prostrate across the bed in the wildest disorder imaginable, but at the same time in the most lamentable attitude of a man borne down with sorrows, that ever the eye of pity droppвАЩd a tear for.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The palm of his right hand, as he fell upon the bed, receiving his forehead, and covering the greatest part of both his eyes, gently sunk down with his head (his elbow giving way backwards) till his nose touchвАЩd the quilt;вБ†вЄЇвБ†his left arm hung insensible over the side of the bed, his knuckles reclining upon the handle of the chamberpot, which peepвАЩd out beyond the valanceвБ†вАФhis right leg (his left being drawn up towards his body) hung half over the side of the bed, the edge of it pressing upon his shinboneвБ†вАФHe felt it not. A fixвАЩd, inflexible sorrow took possession of every line of his face.вБ†вАФHe sighвАЩd onceвБ†вЄЇвБ†heaved his breast oftenвБ†вАФbut uttered not a word. + 

An old set-stitchвАЩd chair, valanced and fringed around with particoloured worsted bobs, stood at the bedвАЩs head, opposite to the side where my fatherвАЩs head reclined.вБ†вАФMy uncle Toby sat him down in it. + 

Before an affliction is digestedвБ†вАФconsolation ever comes too soon;вБ†вАФand after it is digestedвБ†вАФit comes too late: so that you see, madam, there is but a mark between these two, as fine almost as a hair, for a comforter to take aim at: my uncle Toby was always either on this side, or on that of it, and would often say, he believed in his heart he could as soon hit the longitude; for this reason, when he sat down in the chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, and having a tear at everyoneвАЩs serviceвБ†вЄЇвБ†he pullвАЩd out a cambrick handkerchiefвБ†вЄЇвБ†gave a low sighвБ†вЄЇвБ†but held his peace. + 

XXX + 

вЄЇвАЬAll is not gain that is got into the purse.вАЭвБ†вАФSo that notwithstanding my father had the happiness of reading the oddest books in the universe, and had moreover, in himself, the oddest way of thinking that ever man in it was blessвАЩd with, yet it had this drawback upon him after allвБ†вЄїthat it laid him open to some of the oddest and most whimsical distresses; of which this particular one, which he sunk under at present, is as strong an example as can be given. + 

No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a childвАЩs nose, by the edge of a pair of forcepsвБ†вАФhowever scientifically appliedвБ†вАФwould vex any man in the world, who was at so much pains in begetting a child, as my father wasвБ†вАФyet it will not account for the extravagance of his affliction, nor will it justify the unchristian manner he abandoned and surrendered him self up to. + 

To explain this, I must leave him upon the bed for half an hourвБ†вАФand my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair sitting beside him. + 

XXXI + 

вЄЇвБ†I think it a very unreasonable demandвБ†вАФcried my great-grandfather, twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the table.вБ†вЄЇвБ†By this account, madam, you have but two thousand pounds fortune, and not a shilling moreвБ†вАФand you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it.вБ†вЄї + 

вАФвАЬBecause,вАЭ replied my great-grandmother, вАЬyou have little or no nose, Sir.вАЭвБ†вАФ + 

Now before I venture to make use of the word Nose a second timeвБ†вАФto avoid all confusion in what will be said upon it, in this interesting part of my story, it may not be amiss to explain my own meaning, and define, with all possible exactness and precision, what I would willingly be understood to mean by the term: being of opinion, that вАЩtis owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers in despising this precaution, and to nothing elseвБ†вЄЇвБ†that all the polemical writings in divinity are not as clear and demonstrative as those upon a Will oвАЩ the Wisp, or any other sound part of philosophy, and natural pursuit; in order to which, what have you to do, before you set out, unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgmentвБ†вЄЇвБ†but to give the world a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word you have most occasion forвБ†вЄЇвБ†changing it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into small coin?вБ†вАФwhich doneвБ†вАФlet the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can; or put a different idea either into your head, or your readerвАЩs head, if he knows how. + 

In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this I am engaged inвБ†вАФthe neglect is inexcusable; and Heaven is witness, how the world has revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocal stricturesвБ†вАФand for depending so much as I have done, all along, upon the cleanliness of my readersвАЩ imaginations. + 

вЄЇвБ†Here are two senses, cried Eugenius, as we walkвАЩd along, pointing with the forefinger of his right hand to the word Crevice, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book of books;вБ†вЄїhere are two sensesвБ†вАФquoth heвБ†вАФAnd here are two roads, replied I, turning short upon himвБ†вЄЇвБ†a dirty and a clean oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†which shall we take?вБ†вАФThe clean, by all means, replied Eugenius. Eugenius, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his breastвБ†вЄЇвБ†to defineвБ†вАФis to distrust.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Thus I triumphвАЩd over Eugenius; but I triumphвАЩd over him as I always do, like a fool.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis my comfort, however, I am not an obstinate one: therefore + 

I define a nose as followsвБ†вАФintreating only beforehand, and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put into my definitionвБ†вАФFor by the word Nose, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word Nose occursвБ†вАФI declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less. + 

XXXII + 

вЄЇвАЬBecause,вАЭ quoth my great-grandmother, repeating the words againвБ†вАФвАЬyou have little or no nose, Sir.вАЭвБ†вЄї + 

SвАЩdeath! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose,вБ†вАФвАЩtis not so small as that comes to;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a full inch longer than my fatherвАЩs.вБ†вАФNow, my great-grandfatherвАЩs nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom Pantagruel found dwelling upon the island of Ennasin.вБ†вЄїBy the way, if you would know the strange way of getting akin amongst so flat-nosed a peopleвБ†вЄЇвБ†you must read the book;вБ†вЄЇвБ†find it out yourself, you never can.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФвАЩTwas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs. + 

вАФвАЩTis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertionвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a full inch longer, madam, than my fatherвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†You must mean your uncleвАЩs, replied my great-grandmother. + 

вЄїMy great-grandfather was convinced.вБ†вАФHe untwisted the paper, and signed the article. + 

XXXIII + 

вЄЇвБ†What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grandfather. + 

My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand. + 

вАФNow, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my grandfather twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearlyвБ†вАФ(on¬†Michaelmas and Lady-day),вБ†вАФduring all that time. + 

No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my father.вБ†вЄїAnd as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down money: but as soon as ever he enterвАЩd upon the odd fiftyвБ†вАФhe generally gave a loud Hem! rubbвАЩd the side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore fingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wigвБ†вАФlookвАЩd at both sides of every guinea as he parted with itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and seldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples. + 

Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make no allowances for these workings within us.вБ†вАФNeverвБ†вАФO never may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors! + 

For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long noses had gradually been taking root in our family.вБ†вЄїTradition was all along on its side, and Interest was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the whimsicality of my fatherвАЩs brain was far from having the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions.вБ†вАФFor in a great measure he might be said to have suckвАЩd this in with his motherвАЩs milk. He did his part however.вБ†вЄЇвБ†If education planted the mistake (in case it was one) my father watered it, and ripened it to perfection. + 

He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses.вБ†вАФAnd for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line, did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the kingdom.вБ†вЄїHe would often boast that the Shandy family rankвАЩd very high in King Harry the VIIIвАЩs time, but owed its rise to no state engineвБ†вАФhe would sayвБ†вАФbut to that only;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that, like other families, he would addвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the blow of my great-grandfatherвАЩs nose.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It was an ace of clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his headвБ†вАФand as vile a one for an unfortunate family as ever turnвАЩd up trumps. + 

вЄїFair and softly, gentle reader!вБ†вЄїwhere is thy fancy carrying thee?вБ†вЄЇвБ†If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfatherвАЩs nose, I mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands prominent in his faceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and which painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full thirdвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, measured downwards from the setting on of the hair.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†What a life of it has an author, at this pass! + 

XXXIV + 

It is a singular blessing, that nature has formвАЩd the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogsвБ†вАФвАЬof not learning new tricks.вАЭ + 

What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever existed be whiskвАЩd into at once, did he read such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides! + 

Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all thisвБ†вАФHe pickвАЩd up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple.вБ†вАФIt becomes his ownвБ†вАФand if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up. + 

I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will contest this point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this manвАЩs right to this apple? ex confesso, he will sayвБ†вАФthings were in a state of natureвБ†вАФThe apple, as much FrankвАЩs apple as JohnвАЩs. Pray, Mr.¬†Shandy, what patent has he to show for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set his heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he chewвАЩd it? or when he roasted it? or when he peelвАЩd, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?вБ†вАФor when heвБ†вЄЇ?вБ†вЄЇвБ†For вАЩtis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not hisвБ†вАФthat no subsequent act could. + 

Brother Didius, Tribonius will answerвБ†вАФ(now Tribonius the civilian and church lawyerвАЩs beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than Didius his beardвБ†вАФIвАЩm glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer).вБ†вАФBrother Didius, Tribonius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and HermoginesвАЩs codes, and in all the codes from JustinianвАЩs down to the codes of Louis and Des EauxвБ†вАФThat the sweat of a manвАЩs brows, and the exsudations of a manвАЩs brains, are as much a manвАЩs own property as the breeches upon his backside;вБ†вАФwhich said exsudations, etc., being droppвАЩd upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annexвАЩd, by the picker up, to the thing pickвАЩd up, carried home, roasted, peelвАЩd, eaten, digested, and so on;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mixвАЩd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a property;вБ†вАФor, in other words, the apple is JohnвАЩs apple. + 

By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the better still was his title.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No mortal claimed them; they had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digesting as in the case above, so that they might well and truly be said to be of his own goods and chattles.вБ†вАФAccordingly he held fast by вАЩem, both by teeth and clawsвБ†вАФwould fly to whatever he could lay his hands onвБ†вАФand, in a word, would intrench and fortify them round with as many circumvallations and breastworks, as my uncle Toby would a citadel. + 

There was one plaguy rub in the way of thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†the scarcity of materials to make anything of a defence with, in case of a smart attack; inasmuch as few men of great genius had exercised their parts in writing books upon the subject of great noses: by the trotting of my lean horse, the thing is incredible! and I am quite lost in my understanding, when I am considering what a treasure of precious time and talents together has been wasted upon worse subjectsвБ†вАФand how many millions of books in all languages, and in all possible types and bindings, have been fabricated upon points not half so much tending to the unity and peacemaking of the world. What was to be had, however, he set the greater store by; and though my father would ofttimes sport with my uncle TobyвАЩs libraryвБ†вАФwhich, by the by, was ridiculous enoughвБ†вАФyet at the very same time he did it, he collected every book and treatise which had been systematically wrote upon noses, with as much care as my honest uncle Toby had done those upon military architecture.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis true, a much less table would have held themвБ†вАФbut that was not thy transgression, my dear uncle.вБ†вАФ + 

HereвБ†вЄЇвБ†but why hereвБ†вЄЇвБ†rather than in any other part of my storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am not able to tell:вБ†вЄїbut here it isвБ†вЄїmy heart stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all, the tribute I owe thy goodness.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Here let me thrust my chair aside, and kneel down upon the ground, whilst I am pouring forth the warmest sentiment of love for thee, and veneration for the excellency of thy character, that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephewвАЩs bosom.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Peace and comfort rest forevermore upon thy head!вБ†вАФThou enviedst no manвАЩs comfortsвБ†вЄЇвБ†insultedst no manвАЩs opinionsвБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou blackenedst no manвАЩs characterвБ†вАФdevouredst no manвАЩs bread: gently, with faithful Trim behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasures, jostling no creature in thy way:вБ†вАФfor each oneвАЩs sorrow thou hadst a tear,вБ†вАФfor each manвАЩs need, thou hadst a shilling. + 

Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weederвБ†вАФthy path from thy door to thy bowling-green shall never be grown up.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Whilst there is a rood and a half of land in the Shandy family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shall never be demolishвАЩd. + 

XXXV + 

My fatherвАЩs collection was not great, but to make amends, it was curious; and consequently he was some time in making it; he had the great good fortune however, to set off well, in getting BruscambilleвАЩs prologue upon long noses, almost for nothingвБ†вАФfor he gave no more for Bruscambille than three half-crowns; owing indeed to the strong fancy which the stall-man saw my father had for the book the moment he laid his hands upon it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There are not three Bruscambilles in ChristendomвБ†вАФsaid the stall-man, except what are chainвАЩd up in the libraries of the curious. My father flung down the money as quick as lightningвБ†вЄЇвБ†took Bruscambille into his bosomвБ†вЄЇвБ†hied home from Piccadilly to Coleman-street with it, as he would have hied home with a treasure, without taking his hand once off from Bruscambille all the way. + 

To those who do not yet know of which gender Bruscambille isвБ†вЄїinasmuch as a prologue upon long noses might easily be done by eitherвБ†вЄївАЩtwill be no objection against the simileвБ†вАФto say, That when my father got home, he solaced himself with Bruscambille after the manner in which, вАЩtis ten to one, your worship solaced yourself with your first mistressвБ†вЄїthat is, from morning even unto night: which, by the by, how delightful soever it may prove to the inamoratoвБ†вАФis of little or no entertainment at all to bystanders.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Take notice, I go no farther with the simileвБ†вАФmy fatherвАЩs eye was greater than his appetiteвБ†вАФhis zeal greater than his knowledgeвБ†вАФhe coolвАЩdвБ†вАФhis affections became dividedвБ†вЄЇвБ†he got hold of PrignitzвБ†вАФpurchased Scroderus, Andrea Par√¶us, BouchetвАЩs Evening Conferences, and above all, the great and learned Hafen Slawkenbergius; of which, as I shall have much to say by and byвБ†вАФI will say nothing now. + 

XXXVI + 

Of all the tracts my father was at the pains to procure and study in support of his hypothesis, there was not any one wherein he felt a more cruel disappointment at first, than in the celebrated dialogue between Pamphagus and Cocles, written by the chaste pen of the great and venerable Erasmus, upon the various uses and seasonable applications of long noses.вБ†вЄїNow donвАЩt let Satan, my dear girl, in this chapter, take advantage of any one spot of rising ground to get astride of your imagination, if you can any ways help it; or if he is so nimble as to slip onвБ†вАФlet me beg of you, like an unbackвАЩd filly, to frisk it, to squirt it, to jump it, to rear it, to bound itвБ†вАФand to kick it, with long kicks and short kicks, till, like TickletobyвАЩs mare, you break a strap or a crupper and throw his worship into the dirt.вБ†вАФYou need not kill him.вБ†вАФ + 

вАФAnd pray who was TickletobyвАЩs mare?вБ†вАФвАЩtis just as discreditable and unscholarlike a question, Sir, as to have asked what year (ab. urb. con.) the second Punic war broke out.вБ†вАФWho was TickletobyвАЩs mare?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Read, read, read, read, my unlearned reader! readвБ†вАФor by the knowledge of the great saint ParaleipomenonвБ†вАФI tell you beforehand, you had better throw down the book at once; for without much reading, by which your reverence knows I mean much knowledge, you will no more be able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled page (motly emblem of my work!) than the world with all its sagacity has been able to unravel the many opinions, transactions, and truths which still lie mystically hid under the dark veil of the black one. + 

XXXVII + 

вАЬNihil me poenitet hujus nasi,вАЭ quoth Pamphagus;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that isвБ†вАФвАЬMy nose has been the making of me.вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†вЄївАЬNec est cur poeniteat,вАЭ replies Cocles; that is, вАЬHow the duce should such a nose fail?вАЭ + 

The doctrine, you see, was laid down by Erasmus, as my father wished it, with the utmost plainness; but my fatherвАЩs disappointment was, in finding nothing more from so able a pen, but the bare fact itself; without any of that speculative subtlety or ambidexterity of argumentation upon it, which Heaven had bestowвАЩd upon man on purpose to investigate truth, and fight for her on all sides.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father pishвАЩd and pughвАЩd at first most terriblyвБ†вЄївАЩtis worth something to have a good name. As the dialogue was of Erasmus, my father soon came to himself, and read it over and over again with great application, studying every word and every syllable of it throвАЩ and throвАЩ in its most strict and literal interpretationвБ†вАФhe could still make nothing of it, that way. Mayhap there is more meant, than is said in it, quoth my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Learned men, brother Toby, donвАЩt write dialogues upon long noses for nothing.вБ†вЄїIвАЩll study the mystick and the allegorick senseвБ†вЄЇвБ†here is some room to turn a manвАЩs self in, brother. + 

My father read on.вБ†вЄїNow I find it needful to inform your reverences and worships, that besides the many nautical uses of long noses enumerated by Erasmus, the dialogist affirmeth that a long nose is not without its domestic conveniencies also; for that in a case of distressвБ†вАФand for want of a pair of bellows, it will do excellently well, ad ixcitandum focum (to stir up the fire). + 

Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to my father beyond measure, and had sown the seeds of verbal criticism as deep within him, as she had done the seeds of all other knowledgeвБ†вЄїso that he had got out his penknife, and was trying experiments upon the sentence, to see if he could not scratch some better sense into it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩve got within a single letter, brother Toby, cried my father, of Erasmus his mystic meaning.вБ†вАФYou are near enough, brother, replied my uncle, in all conscience.вБ†вЄїPshaw! cried my father, scratching onвБ†вЄЇвБ†I might as well be seven miles off.вБ†вАФIвАЩve done itвБ†вАФsaid my father, snapping his fingersвБ†вАФSee, my dear brother Toby, how I have mended the sense.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But you have marrвАЩd a word, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father put on his spectaclesвБ†вЄЇвБ†bit his lipвБ†вЄїand tore out the leaf in a passion. + 

XXXVIII + 

O Slawkenbergius! thou faithful analyzer of my DisgraziasвБ†вАФthou sad foreteller of so many of the whips and short turns which in one stage or other of my life have come slap upon me from the shortness of my nose, and no other cause, that I am conscious of.вБ†вАФTell me, Slawkenbergius! what secret impulse was it? what intonation of voice? whence came it? how did it sound in thy ears?вБ†вЄЇвБ†art thou sure thou heardвАЩst it?вБ†вЄЇвБ†which first cried out to theeвБ†вЄїgoвБ†вЄїgo, Slawkenbergius! dedicate the labours of thy lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†neglect thy pastimesвБ†вЄїcall forth all the powers and faculties of thy natureвБ†вЄЇвБ†macerate thyself in the service of mankind, and write a grand folio for them, upon the subject of their noses. + 

How the communication was conveyed into SlawkenbergiusвАЩs sensoriumвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that Slawkenbergius should know whose finger touchвАЩd the keyвБ†вАФand whose hand it was that blew the bellowsвБ†вЄЇвБ†as Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead and laid in his grave above fourscore and ten yearsвБ†вЄїwe can only raise conjectures. + 

Slawkenbergius was playвАЩd upon, for aught I know, like one of WhitefieldвАЩs disciplesвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, with such a distinct intelligence, Sir, of which of the two masters it was that had been practising upon his instrumentвБ†вЄїas to make all reasoning upon it needless. + 

вЄїFor in the account which Hafen Slawkenbergius gives the world of his motives and occasions for writing, and spending so many years of his life upon this one workвБ†вАФtowards the end of his prolegomena, which by the by should have come firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the bookbinder has most injudiciously placed it betwixt the analytical contents of the book, and the book itselfвБ†вАФhe informs his reader, that ever since he had arrived at the age of discernment, and was able to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the true state and condition of man, and distinguish the main end and design of his being;вБ†вЄЇвБ†orвБ†вАФto shorten my translation, for SlawkenbergiusвАЩs book is in Latin, and not a little prolix in this passageвБ†вАФever since I understood, quoth Slawkenbergius, anythingвБ†вЄЇвБ†or rather what was whatвБ†вЄЇвБ†and could perceive that the point of long noses had been too loosely handled by all who had gone before;вБ†вЄЇвБ†have I, Slawkenbergius, felt a strong impulse, with a mighty and unresistible call within me, to gird up myself to this undertaking. + 

And to do justice to Slawkenbergius, he has entered the list with a stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in it than any one man who had ever entered it before himвБ†вЄЇвБ†and indeed, in many respects, deserves to be en-nichвАЩd as a prototype for all writers, of voluminous works at least, to model their books byвБ†вЄЇвБ†for he has taken in, Sir, the whole subjectвБ†вАФexamined every part of it dialecticallyвБ†вЄїthen brought it into full day; dilucidating it with all the light which either the collision of his own natural parts could strikeвБ†вАФor the profoundest knowledge of the sciences had impowered him to cast upon itвБ†вАФcollating, collecting, and compilingвБ†вЄїbegging, borrowing, and stealing, as he went along, all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the schools and porticos of the learned: so that Slawkenbergius his book may properly be considered, not only as a modelвБ†вАФbut as a thorough-stitched digest and regular institute of noses, comprehending in it all that is or can be needful to be known about them. + 

For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many (otherwise) valuable books and treatises of my fatherвАЩs collecting, wrote either, plump upon nosesвБ†вЄЇвБ†or collaterally touching them;вБ†вЄїsuch for instance as Prignitz, now lying upon the table before me, who with infinite learning, and from the most candid and scholar-like examination of above four thousand different skulls, in upwards of twenty charnel-houses in Silesia, which he had rummagedвБ†вЄїhas informed us, that the mensuration and configuration of the osseous or bony parts of human noses, in any given tract of country, except Crim Tartary, where they are all crushвАЩd down by the thumb, so that no judgment can be formed upon themвБ†вАФare much nearer alike, than the world imagines;вБ†вАФthe difference amongst them being, he says, a mere trifle, not worth taking notice of;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the size and jollity of every individual nose, and by which one nose ranks above another, and bears a higher price, is owing to the cartilaginous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts and sinuses the blood and animal spirits being impellвАЩd and driven by the warmth and force of the imagination, which is but a step from it (bating the case of idiots, whom Prignitz, who had lived many years in Turky, supposes under the more immediate tutelage of Heaven)вБ†вАФit so happens, and ever must, says Prignitz, that the excellency of the nose is in a direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearerвАЩs fancy. + 

It is for the same reason, that is, because вАЩtis all comprehended in Slawkenbergius, that I say nothing likewise of Scroderus (Andrea) who, all the world knows, set himself to oppugn Prignitz with great violenceвБ†вАФproving it in his own way, first logically, and then by a series of stubborn facts, вАЬThat so far was Prignitz from the truth, in affirming that the fancy begat the nose, that on the contraryвБ†вАФthe nose begat the fancy.вАЭ + 

вАФThe learned suspected Scroderus of an indecent sophism in thisвБ†вАФand Prignitz cried out aloud in the dispute, that Scroderus had shifted the idea upon himвБ†вЄЇвБ†but Scroderus went on, maintaining his thesis. + 

My father was just balancing within himself, which of the two sides he should take in this affair; when Ambrose Par√¶us decided it in a moment, and by overthrowing the systems, both of Prignitz and Scroderus, drove my father out of both sides of the controversy at once. + 

Be witnessвБ†вЄї + 

I donвАЩt acquaint the learned readerвБ†вАФin saying it, I mention it only to show the learned, I know the fact myselfвБ†вЄї + 

That this Ambrose Par√¶us was chief surgeon and nose-mender to Francis the ninth of France, and in high credit with him and the two preceding, or succeeding kings (I know not which)вБ†вАФand that, except in the slip he made in his story of TaliacotiusвАЩs noses, and his manner of setting them onвБ†вАФhe was esteemed by the whole college of physicians at that time, as more knowing in matters of noses, than anyone who had ever taken them in hand. + 

Now Ambrose Par√¶us convinced my father, that the true and efficient cause of what had engaged so much the attention of the world, and upon which Prignitz and Scroderus had wasted so much learning and fine partsвБ†вЄЇвБ†was neither this nor thatвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the length and goodness of the nose was owing simply to the softness and flaccidity in the nurseвАЩs breastвБ†вЄїas the flatness and shortness of puisne noses was to the firmness and elastic repulsion of the same organ of nutrition in the hale and livelyвБ†вАФwhich, though happy for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inasmuch as his nose was so snubbвАЩd, so rebuffвАЩd, so rebated, and so refrigerated thereby, as never to arrive ad mensuram suam legitimam;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that in case of the flaccidity and softness of the nurse or motherвАЩs breastвБ†вАФby sinking into it, quoth Par√¶us, as into so much butter, the nose was comforted, nourishвАЩd, plumpвАЩd up, refreshвАЩd, refocillated, and set a growing forever. + 

I have but two things to observe of Par√¶us; first, That he proves and explains all this with the utmost chastity and decorum of expression:вБ†вАФfor which may his soul forever rest in peace! + 

And, secondly, that besides the systems of Prignitz and Scroderus, which Ambrose Par√¶us his hypothesis effectually overthrewвБ†вАФit overthrew at the same time the system of peace and harmony of our family; and for three days together, not only embroiled matters between my father and my mother, but turnвАЩd likewise the whole house and everything in it, except my uncle Toby, quite upside down. + 

Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wife, never surely in any age or country got vent through the keyhole of a street-door. + 

My mother, you must knowвБ†вЄїbut I have fifty things more necessary to let you know firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have a hundred difficulties which I have promised to clear up, and a thousand distresses and domestick misadventures crowding in upon me thick and threefold, one upon the neck of another. A cow broke in (tomorrow morning) to my uncle TobyвАЩs fortifications, and eat up two rations and a half of dried grass, tearing up the sods with it, which faced his horn-work and covered way.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim insists upon being tried by a court-martialвБ†вАФthe cow to be shotвБ†вАФSlop to be crucifixвАЩdвБ†вАФmyself to be tristramвАЩd and at my very baptism made a martyr of;вБ†вЄЇвБ†poor unhappy devils that we all are!вБ†вЄЇвБ†I want swaddlingвБ†вЄїbut there is no time to be lost in exclamationsвБ†вЄїI have left my father lying across his bed, and my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair, sitting beside him, and promised I would go back to them in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are lapsвАЩd already.вБ†вЄїOf all the perplexities a mortal author was ever seen inвБ†вЄЇвБ†this certainly is the greatest, for I have Hafen SlawkenbergiusвАЩs folio, Sir, to finishвБ†вЄЇвБ†a dialogue between my father and my uncle Toby, upon the solution of Prignitz, Scroderus, Ambrose Par√¶us, Ponocrates, and Grangousier to relateвБ†вАФa tale out of Slawkenbergius to translate, and all this in five minutes less than no time at all;вБ†вЄїsuch a head!вБ†вАФwould to Heaven my enemies only saw the inside of it! + 

XXXIX + 

There was not any one scene more entertaining in our familyвБ†вАФand to do it justice in this point;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and I here put off my cap and lay it upon the table close beside my ink-horn, on purpose to make my declaration to the world concerning this one article the more solemnвБ†вЄЇвБ†that I believe in my soul (unless my love and partiality to my understanding blinds me) the hand of the supreme Maker and first Designer of all things never made or put a family together (in that period at least of it which I have sat down to write the story of)вБ†вЄЇвБ†where the characters of it were cast or contrasted with so dramatick a felicity as ours was, for this end; or in which the capacities of affording such exquisite scenes, and the powers of shifting them perpetually from morning to night, were lodged and entrusted with so unlimited a confidence, as in the Shandy Family. + 

Not any one of these was more diverting, I say, in this whimsical theatre of oursвБ†вЄЇвБ†than what frequently arose out of this selfsame chapter of long nosesвБ†вЄїespecially when my fatherвАЩs imagination was heated with the enquiry, and nothing would serve him but to heat my uncle TobyвАЩs too. + 

My uncle Toby would give my father all possible fair play in this attempt; and with infinite patience would sit smoaking his pipe for whole hours together, whilst my father was practising upon his head, and trying every accessible avenue to drive Prignitz and ScroderusвАЩs solutions into it. + 

Whether they were above my uncle TobyвАЩs reasonвБ†вЄїor contrary to itвБ†вЄїor that his brain was like damp timber, and no spark could possibly take holdвБ†вЄЇвБ†or that it was so full of saps, mines, blinds, curtins, and such military disqualifications to his seeing clearly into Prignitz and ScroderusвАЩs doctrinesвБ†вЄЇвБ†I say notвБ†вАФlet schoolmenвБ†вАФscullions, anatomists, and engineers, fight for it among themselvesвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЩTwas some misfortune, I make no doubt, in this affair, that my father had every word of it to translate for the benefit of my uncle Toby, and render out of SlawkenbergiusвАЩs Latin, of which, as he was no great master, his translation was not always of the purestвБ†вЄЇвБ†and generally least so where вАЩtwas most wanted.вБ†вАФThis naturally openвАЩd a door to a second misfortune;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that in the warmer paroxysms of his zeal to open my uncle TobyвАЩs eyesвБ†вЄїmy fatherвАЩs ideas ran on as much faster than the translation, as the translation outmoved my uncle TobyвАЩsвБ†вЄїneither the one or the other added much to the perspicuity of my fatherвАЩs lecture. + 

XL + 

The gift of ratiocination and making syllogismsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I mean in manвБ†вАФfor in superior classes of being, such as angels and spiritsвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis all done, may it please your worships, as they tell me, by Intuition;вБ†вАФand beings inferior, as your worships all knowвБ†вЄЇвБ†syllogize by their noses: though there is an island swimming in the sea (though not altogether at its ease) whose inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me not, are so wonderfully gifted, as to syllogize after the same fashion, and ofttimes to make very well out too:вБ†вЄїbut thatвАЩs neither here nor thereвБ†вЄї + 

The gift of doing it as it should be, amongst us, orвБ†вАФthe great and principal act of ratiocination in man, as logicians tell us, is the finding out the agreement or disagreement of two ideas one with another, by the intervention of a third (called the medius terminus); just as a man, as Locke well observes, by a yard, finds two menвАЩs ninepin-alleys to be of the same length, which could not be brought together, to measure their equality, by juxtaposition. + 

Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my father illustrated his systems of noses, and observed my uncle TobyвАЩs deportmentвБ†вАФwhat great attention he gave to every wordвБ†вАФand as oft as he took his pipe from his mouth, with what wonderful seriousness he contemplated the length of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†surveying it transversely as he held it betwixt his finger and his thumbвБ†вЄїthen fore-rightвБ†вЄїthen this way, and then that, in all its possible directions and foreshorteningsвБ†вЄїhe would have concluded my uncle Toby had got hold of the medius terminus, and was syllogizing and measuring with it the truth of each hypothesis of long noses, in order, as my father laid them before him. This, by the by, was more than my father wantedвБ†вЄЇвБ†his aim in all the pains he was at in these philosophick lecturesвБ†вАФwas to enable my uncle Toby not to discussвБ†вЄЇвБ†but comprehendвБ†вЄЇвБ†to hold the grains and scruples of learningвБ†вЄЇвБ†not to weigh them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither the one or the other. + 

XLI + 

вАЩTis a pity, cried my father one winterвАЩs night, after a three hoursвАЩ painful translation of SlawkenbergiusвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a pity, cried my father, putting my motherвАЩs thread-paper into the book for a mark, as he spokeвБ†вЄЇвБ†that truth, brother Toby, should shut herself up in such impregnable fastnesses, and be so obstinate as not to surrender herself sometimes up upon the closest siege.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Now it happened then, as indeed it had often done before, that my uncle TobyвАЩs fancy, during the time of my fatherвАЩs explanation of Prignitz to himвБ†вЄїhaving nothing to stay it there, had taken a short flight to the bowling-green!вБ†вЄїhis body might as well have taken a turn there tooвБ†вАФso that with all the semblance of a deep schoolman intent upon the medius terminusвБ†вЄїmy uncle Toby was in fact as ignorant of the whole lecture, and all its pros and cons, as if my father had been translating Hafen Slawkenbergius from the Latin tongue into the Cherokee. But the word siege, like a talismanic power, in my fatherвАЩs metaphor, wafting back my uncle TobyвАЩs fancy, quick as a note could follow the touchвБ†вАФhe openвАЩd his earsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and my father observing that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and shuffled his chair nearer the table, as with a desire to profitвБ†вАФmy father with great pleasure began his sentence againвБ†вЄЇвБ†changing only the plan, and dropping the metaphor of the siege of it, to keep clear of some dangers my father apprehended from it. + 

вАЩTis a pity, said my father, that truth can only be on one side, brother TobyвБ†вЄїconsidering what ingenuity these learned men have all shown in their solutions of noses.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Can noses be dissolved? replied my uncle Toby. + 

вЄїMy father thrust back his chairвБ†вЄїrose upвБ†вАФput on his hatвБ†вЄїtook four long strides to the doorвБ†вЄїjerked it openвБ†вЄЇвБ†thrust his head halfway outвБ†вЄЇвБ†shut the door againвБ†вЄЇвБ†took no notice of the bad hingeвБ†вЄЇвБ†returned to the tableвБ†вАФpluckвАЩd my motherвАЩs thread-paper out of SlawkenbergiusвАЩs bookвБ†вЄїwent hastily to his bureauвБ†вАФwalked slowly backвБ†вАФtwisted my motherвАЩs thread-paper about his thumbвБ†вАФunbuttonвАЩd his waistcoatвБ†вАФthrew my motherвАЩs thread-paper into the fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†bit her sattin pincushion in two, fillвАЩd his mouth with branвБ†вАФconfounded it;вБ†вАФbut mark!вБ†вАФthe oath of confusion was levellвАЩd at my uncle TobyвАЩs brainвБ†вАФwhich was eвАЩen confused enough alreadyвБ†вЄЇвБ†the curse came charged only with the branвБ†вАФthe bran, may it please your honours, was no more than powder to the ball. + 

вАЩTwas well my fatherвАЩs passions lasted not long; for so long as they did last, they led him a busy life onвАЩt; and it is one of the most unaccountable problems that ever I met with in my observations of human nature, that nothing should prove my fatherвАЩs mettle so much, or make his passions go off so like gunpowder, as the unexpected strokes his science met with from the quaint simplicity of my uncle TobyвАЩs questions.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Had ten dozen of hornets stung him behind in so many different places all at one timeвБ†вАФhe could not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer secondsвБ†вЄїor started half so much, as with one single qu√¶re of three words unseasonably popping in full upon him in his hobbyhorsical career. + 

вАЩTwas all one to my uncle TobyвБ†вЄїhe smoaked his pipe on with unvaried composureвБ†вЄЇвБ†his heart never intended offence to his brotherвБ†вАФand as his head could seldom find out where the sting of it layвБ†вЄЇвБ†he always gave my father the credit of cooling by himself.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He was five minutes and thirty-five seconds about it in the present case. + 

By all thatвАЩs good! said my father, swearing, as he came to himself, and taking the oath out of ErnulphusвАЩs digest of cursesвБ†вЄЇ(though to do my father justice it was a fault (as he told Dr.¬†Slop in the affair of Ernulphus) which he as seldom committed as any man upon earth)вБ†вЄїBy all thatвАЩs good and great! brother Toby, said my father, if it was not for the aids of philosophy, which befriend one so much as they doвБ†вАФyou would put a man beside all temper.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, by the solutions of noses, of which I was telling you, I meant, as you might have known, had you favoured me with one grain of attention, the various accounts which learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the causes of short and long noses.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There is no cause but one, replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†why one manвАЩs nose is longer than anotherвАЩs, but because that God pleases to have it so.вБ†вЄЇвБ†That is GrangousierвАЩs solution, said my father.вБ†вАФвАЩTis he, continued my uncle Toby, looking up, and not regarding my fatherвАЩs interruption, who makes us all, and frames and puts us together in such forms and proportions, and for such ends, as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a pious account, cried my father, but not philosophicalвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is more religion in it than sound science. вАЩTwas no inconsistent part of my uncle TobyвАЩs characterвБ†вЄЇвБ†that he feared God, and reverenced religion.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So the moment my father finished his remarkвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby fell a whistling Lillabullero with more zeal (though more out of tune) than usual.вБ†вАФ + 

What is become of my wifeвАЩs thread-paper? + 

XLII + 

No matterвБ†вАФas an appendage to seamstressy, the thread-paper might be of some consequence to my motherвБ†вАФof none to my father, as a mark in Slawkenbergius. Slawkenbergius in every page of him was a rich treasure of inexhaustible knowledge to my fatherвБ†вАФhe could not open him amiss; and he would often say in closing the book, that if all the arts and sciences in the world, with the books which treated of them, were lostвБ†вАФshould the wisdom and policies of governments, he would say, through disuse, ever happen to be forgot, and all that statesmen had wrote or caused to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of courts and kingdoms, should they be forgot alsoвБ†вАФand Slawkenbergius only leftвБ†вЄЇвБ†there would be enough in him in all conscience, he would say, to set the world a-going again. A treasure therefore was he indeed! an institute of all that was necessary to be known of noses, and everything elseвБ†вАФat matin, noon, and vespers was Hafen Slawkenbergius his recreation and delight: вАЩtwas forever in his handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†you would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canonвАЩs prayerbookвБ†вАФso worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even unto the other. + 

I am not such a bigot to Slawkenbergius as my father;вБ†вЄЇвБ†there is a fund in him, no doubt: but in my opinion, the best, I donвАЩt say the most profitable, but the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergius, is his talesвБ†вЄїand, considering he was a German, many of them told not without fancy:вБ†вЄїthese take up his second book, containing nearly one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decads, each decad containing ten talesвБ†вЄїPhilosophy is not built upon tales; and therefore вАЩtwas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to send them into the world by that name!вБ†вЄЇвБ†there are a few of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own seem rather playful and sportive, than speculativeвБ†вАФbut in general they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail of so many independent facts, all of them turning round somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject, and collected by him with great fidelity, and added to his work as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses. + 

As we have leisure enough upon our handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†if you give me leave, madam, IвАЩll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad. + 