XXV
вАФNo doubt, Sir,вБ†вАФthere is a whole chapter wanting hereвБ†вАФand a chasm of ten pages made in the book by itвБ†вАФbut the bookbinder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a puppyвБ†вАФnor is the book a jot more imperfect (at least upon that score)вБ†вЄЇвБ†but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect and complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall demonstrate to your reverences in this manner.вБ†вАФI question first, by the by, whether the same experiment might not be made as successfully upon sundry other chaptersвБ†вЄїbut there is no end, anвАЩ please your reverences, in trying experiments upon chaptersвБ†вЄїwe have had enough of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†So thereвАЩs an end of that matter.
But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which otherwise you would all have been reading just now, instead of thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the description of my fatherвАЩs, my uncle TobyвАЩs, TrimвАЩs, and ObadiahвАЩs setting out and journeying to the visitation at ****.
WeвАЩll go in the coach, said my fatherвБ†вАФPrithee, have the arms been altered, Obadiah?вБ†вАФIt would have made my story much better to have begun with telling you, that at the time my motherвАЩs arms were added to the ShandyвАЩs, when the coach was repainted upon my fatherвАЩs marriage, it had so fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether by performing all his works with the left-hand, like Turpilius the Roman, or Hans Holbein of BasilвБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether вАЩtwas more from the blunder of his head than handвБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether, lastly, it was from the sinister turn which everything relating to our family was apt to takeвБ†вЄЇвБ†it so fell out, however, to our reproach, that instead of the bend-dexter, which since Harry the EighthвАЩs reign was honestly our dueвБ†вЄїa¬†bend-sinister, by some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite across the field of the Shandy arms. вАЩTis scarce credible that the mind of so wise a man as my father was, could be so much incommoded with so small a matter. The word coachвБ†вАФlet it be whose it wouldвБ†вАФor coachman, or coach-horse, or coach-hire, could never be named in the family, but he constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon the door of his own; he never once was able to step into the coach, or out of it, without turning round to take a view of the arms, and making a vow at the same time, that it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it again, till the bend-sinister was taken outвБ†вАФbut like the affair of the hinge, it was one of the many things which the Destinies had set down in their books ever to be grumbled at (and in wiser families than ours)вБ†вЄЇвБ†but never to be mended.
вАФHas the bend-sinister been brushвАЩd out, I say? said my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There has been nothing brushвАЩd out, Sir, answered Obadiah, but the lining. WeвАЩll go oвАЩhorseback, said my father, turning to Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Of all things in the world, except politicks, the clergy know the least of heraldry, said Yorick.вБ†вАФNo matter for that, cried my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†I should be sorry to appear with a blot in my escutcheon before them.вБ†вАФNever mind the bend-sinister, said my uncle Toby, putting on his tye-wig.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No, indeed, said my fatherвБ†вАФyou may go with my aunt Dinah to a visitation with a bend-sinister, if you think fitвБ†вАФMy poor uncle Toby blushвАЩd. My father was vexed at himself.вБ†вЄїNoвБ†вЄЇвБ†my dear brother Toby, said my father, changing his toneвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the damp of the coach-lining about my loins, may give me the sciatica again, as it did December, January, and February last winterвБ†вАФso if you please you shall ride my wifeвАЩs padвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as you are to preach, Yorick, you had better make the best of your way beforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and leave me to take care of my brother Toby, and to follow at our own rates.
Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the description of this cavalcade, in which Corporal Trim and Obadiah, upon two coach-horses abreast, led the way as slow as a patroleвБ†вЄЇвБ†whilst my uncle Toby, in his laced regimentals and tye-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep roads and dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and arms, as each could get the start.
вАФBut the painting of this journey, upon reviewing it, appears to be so much above the stile and manner of anything else I have been able to paint in this book, that it could not have remained in it, without depreciating every other scene; and destroying at the same time that necessary equipoise and balance, (whether of good or bad) betwixt chapter and chapter, from whence the just proportions and harmony of the whole work results. For my own part, I am but just set up in the business, so know little about itвБ†вАФbut, in my opinion, to write a book is for all the world like humming a songвБ†вАФbut in tune with yourself, madam, вАЩtis no matter how high or how low you take it.
вАФThis is the reason, may it please your reverences, that some of the lowest and flattest compositions pass off very wellвБ†вЄЇ(as¬†Yorick told my uncle Toby one night) by siege.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby looked brisk at the sound of the word siege, but could make neither head or tail of it.
IвАЩm to preach at court next Sunday, said HomenasвБ†вЄЇвБ†run over my notesвБ†вЄЇвБ†so I hummвАЩd over doctor HomenasвАЩs notesвБ†вАФthe modulationвАЩs very wellвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwill do, Homenas, if it holds on at this rateвБ†вЄЇвБ†so on I hummвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†and a tolerable tune I thought it was; and to this hour, may it please your reverences, had never found out how low, how flat, how spiritless and jejune it was, but that all of a sudden, up started an air in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so heavenly,вБ†вАФit carried my soul up with it into the other world; now had I (as¬†Montaigne complained in a parallel accident)вБ†вАФhad I found the declivity easy, or the ascent accessibleвБ†вЄїcertes I had been outwitted.вБ†вЄїYour notes, Homenas, I should have said, are good notes;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but it was so perpendicular a precipiceвБ†вЄїso wholly cut off from the rest of the work, that by the first note I hummвАЩd I found myself flying into the other world, and from thence discovered the vale from whence I came, so deep, so low, and dismal, that I shall never have the heart to descend into it again.
вШЮ A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own sizeвБ†вАФtake my word, is a dwarf in more articles than one.вБ†вАФAnd so much for tearing out of chapters.