X
In the case of knots,вБ†вАФby which, in the first place, I would not be understood to mean slipknotsвБ†вАФbecause in the course of my life and opinionsвБ†вАФmy opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr.¬†Hammond Shandy,вБ†вАФa little man,вБ†вАФbut of high fancy:вБ†вАФhe rushed into the duke of MonmouthвАЩs affair:вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots called bowknots;вБ†вАФthere is so little address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them.вБ†вАФBut by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his;вБ†вЄЇвБ†in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings throвАЩ the annulus or noose made by the second implication of themвБ†вАФto get them slippвАЩd and undone by.вБ†вАФI hope you apprehend me.
In the case of these knots then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictateвБ†вЄЇвБ†is to take our teeth or our fingers to them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop had lost his teethвБ†вАФhis favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knockвАЩd out three of the best of them with the handle of it:вБ†вЄїhe tried his fingersвБ†вАФalas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The trampling overhead near my motherвАЩs bedside increased.вБ†вАФPox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My mother gave a groan.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Lend me your penknifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I must eвАЩen cut the knots at lastвБ†вЄЇвБ†pugh!вБ†вЄЇвБ†psha!вБ†вАФLord! I have cut my thumb quite across to the very boneвБ†вЄЇвБ†curse the fellowвБ†вАФif there was not another man-midwife within fifty milesвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am undone for this boutвБ†вАФI wish the scoundrel hangвАЩdвБ†вАФI wish he was shotвБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead!вБ†вЄї
My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a mannerвБ†вАФhe had moreover some little respect for himselfвБ†вАФand could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.
Had Dr.¬†Slop cut any part about him, but his thumbвБ†вЄЇвБ†my father had passвАЩd it byвБ†вАФhis prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.
Small curses, Dr.¬†Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father (condoling with him first upon the accident), are but so much waste of our strength and soulвАЩs health to no manner of purpose.вБ†вАФI own it, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФThey are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his whistling), fired against a bastion.вБ†вЄЇвБ†They serve, continued my father, to stir the humoursвБ†вЄЇвБ†but carry off none of their acrimony:вБ†вАФfor my own part, I seldom swear or curse at allвБ†вАФI hold it badвБ†вЄЇвБ†but if I fall into it by surprise, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himselfвБ†вАФbut to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.вБ†вАФвАЬInjuries come only from the heart,вАЭвБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly happen to himвБ†вЄЇвБ†which forms being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimneypiece, within his reach, ready for use.вБ†вАФI never apprehended, replied Dr.¬†Slop, that such a thing was ever thought ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†much less executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pourвАЩd out the teaвБ†вАФвАЩtis here upon the shelf over my head;вБ†вАФbut if I remember right, вАЩtis too violent for a cut of the thumb.вБ†вАФNot at all, quoth Dr.¬†SlopвБ†вАФthe devil take the fellow.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Then, answered my father, вАЩTis much at your service, Dr.¬†SlopвБ†вАФon condition you will read it aloud;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by Ernulphus the bishopвБ†вЄЇвБ†with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernulphus himselfвБ†вАФhe put it into Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs hands.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as followsвБ†вЄїmy uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time.