SlawkenbergiusвАЩs Tale
It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry day, in the latter end of the month of August, when a stranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and a crimson-sattin pair of breeches, entered the town of Strasburg.
He told the sentinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates, that he had been at the Promontory of NosesвБ†вАФwas going on to FrankfortвБ†вЄЇвБ†and should be back again at Strasburg that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim Tartary.
The sentinel looked up into the strangerвАЩs faceвБ†вЄЇвБ†he never saw such a Nose in his life!
вАФI have made a very good venture of it, quoth the strangerвБ†вАФso slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon, to which a short scymetar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtesy touching the fore part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his rightвБ†вЄЇвБ†he put a florin into the sentinelвАЩs hand, and passed on.
It grieves me, said the sentinel, speaking to a little dwarfish bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbardвБ†вЄїhe cannot travel without one to his scymetar, and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all Strasburg.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never had one, replied the stranger, looking back to the sentinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as he spokeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I carry it, continued he, thusвБ†вЄЇвБ†holding up his naked scymetar, his mule moving on slowly all the timeвБ†вАФon purpose to defend my nose.
It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the sentinel.
вЄЇвАЩTis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-leggвАЩd drummerвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a nose of parchment.
As I am a true catholicвБ†вАФexcept that it is six times as bigвБ†вАФвАЩtis a nose, said the sentinel, like my own.
вАФI heard it crackle, said the drummer.
By dunder, said the sentinel, I saw it bleed.
What a pity, cried the bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, we did not both touch it!
At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the sentinel and the drummerвБ†вАФwas the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeterвАЩs wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to see the stranger pass by.
Benedicity!вБ†вЄїWhat a nose! вАЩtis as long, said the trumpeterвАЩs wife, as a trumpet.
And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its sneezing.
вАЩTis as soft as a flute, said she.
вАФвАЩTis brass, said the trumpeter.
вАФвАЩTis a puddingвАЩs end, said his wife.
I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, вАЩtis a brazen nose.
IвАЩll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeterвАЩs wife, for I will touch it with my finger before I sleep.
The strangerвАЩs mule moved on at so slow a rate, that he heard every word of the dispute, not only betwixt the sentinel and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and trumpeterвАЩs wife.
No! said he, dropping his reins upon his muleвАЩs neck, and laying both his hands upon his breast, the one over the other, in a saintlike position (his mule going on easily all the time) No! said he, looking upвБ†вАФI am not such a debtor to the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†slandered and disappointed as I have beenвБ†вАФas to give it that convictionвБ†вЄЇвБ†no! said he, my nose shall never be touched whilst Heaven gives me strengthвБ†вЄЇвБ†To do what? said a burgomasterвАЩs wife.
The stranger took no notice of the burgomasterвАЩs wifeвБ†вЄїhe was making a vow to Saint Nicolas; which done, having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which he crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his scymetar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on, as slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, throвАЩ the principal streets of Strasburg, till chance brought him to the great inn in the marketplace over against the church.
The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the stable, and his cloak-bag to be brought in; then opening, and taking out of it his crimson-sattin breeches, with a silver-fringedвБ†вАФ(appendage to them, which I dare not translate)вБ†вАФhe put his breeches, with his fringed codpiece on, and forthwith, with his short scymetar in his hand, walked out on to the grand parade.
The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade, when he perceived the trumpeterвАЩs wife at the opposite side of itвБ†вАФso turning short, in pain lest his nose should be attempted, he instantly went back to his innвБ†вАФundressed himself, packed up his crimson-sattin breeches, etc., in his cloak-bag, and called for his mule.
I am going forwards, said the stranger, for FrankfortвБ†вЄЇвБ†and shall be back at Strasburg this day month.
I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of his mule with his left hand as he was going to mount it, that you have been kind to this faithful slave of mineвБ†вАФit has carried me and my cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the muleвАЩs back, above six hundred leagues.
вЄЇвАЩTis a long journey, Sir, replied the master of the innвБ†вЄЇвБ†unless a man has great business.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tut! tut! said the stranger, I have been at the Promontory of Noses; and have got me one of the goodliest, thank Heaven, that ever fell to a single manвАЩs lot.
Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself, the master of the inn and his wife kept both their eyes fixed full upon the strangerвАЩs noseвБ†вЄЇвБ†By saint Radagunda, said the innkeeperвАЩs wife to herself, there is more of it than in any dozen of the largest noses put together in all Strasburg! is it not, said she, whispering her husband in his ear, is it not a noble nose?
вАЩTis an imposture, my dear, said the master of the innвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a false nose.
вАЩTis a true nose, said his wife.
вАЩTis made of fir-tree, said he, I smell the turpentine.вБ†вЄї
ThereвАЩs a pimple on it, said she.
вАЩTis a dead nose, replied the innkeeper.
вАЩTis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the innkeeperвАЩs wife, I will touch it.
I have made a vow to saint Nicolas this day, said the stranger, that my nose shall not be touched tillвБ†вАФHere the stranger, suspending his voice, looked up.вБ†вЄїTill when? said she hastily.
It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and bringing them close to his breast, till that hourвБ†вАФWhat hour? cried the innkeeperвАЩs wife.вБ†вАФNever!вБ†вАФnever! said the stranger, never till I am gotвБ†вАФFor HeavenвАЩs sake, into what place? said sheвБ†вЄїThe stranger rode away without saying a word.
The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfort before all the city of Strasburg was in an uproar about his nose. The Compline bells were just ringing to call the Strasburgers to their devotions, and shut up the duties of the day in prayer:вБ†вАФno soul in all Strasburg heard вАЩemвБ†вАФthe city was like a swarm of beesвБ†вЄїmen, women, and children (the Compline bells tinkling all the time) flying here and thereвБ†вАФin at one door, out at anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†this way and that wayвБ†вАФlong ways and cross waysвБ†вАФup one street, down another streetвБ†вЄЇвБ†in at this alley, out of thatвБ†вЄїdid you see it? did you see it? did you see it? O! did you see it?вБ†вЄїwho saw it? who did see it? for mercyвАЩs sake, who saw it?
Alack oвАЩday! I was at vespers!вБ†вАФI was washing, I was starching, I was scouring, I was quiltingвБ†вЄЇвБ†God help me! I never saw itвБ†вЄЇвБ†I never touchвАЩd it!вБ†вЄЇвБ†would I had been a sentinel, a bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, a trumpeter, a trumpeterвАЩs wife, was the general cry and lamentation in every street and corner of Strasburg.
Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great city of Strasburg, was the courteous stranger going on as gently upon his mule in his way to Frankfort, as if he had no concern at all in the affairвБ†вЄїtalking all the way he rode in broken sentences, sometimes to his muleвБ†вАФsometimes to himselfвБ†вАФsometimes to his Julia.
O Julia, my lovely Julia!вБ†вАФnay, I cannot stop to let thee bite that thistleвБ†вЄЇвБ†that ever the suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tasting it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†Pugh!вБ†вАФвАЩtis nothing but a thistleвБ†вАФnever mind itвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou shalt have a better supper at night.
вЄЇвБ†BanishвАЩd from my countryвБ†вЄЇвБ†my friendsвБ†вЄЇвБ†from thee.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
Poor devil, thouвАЩrt sadly tired with thy journey!вБ†вЄЇвБ†comeвБ†вАФget on a little fasterвБ†вАФthereвАЩs nothing in my cloak-bag but two shirtsвБ†вЄЇвБ†a crimson-sattin pair of breeches, and a fringedвБ†вЄЇвБ†Dear Julia.
вЄЇвБ†But why to FrankfortвБ†вАФis it that there is a hand unfelt, which secretly is conducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracts?
вЄЇвБ†Stumbling! by saint Nicolas! every stepвБ†вАФwhy, at this rate we shall be all night in getting inвБ†вЄї
вЄЇвБ†To happinessвБ†вЄЇвБ†or am I to be the sport of fortune and slanderвБ†вАФdestined to be driven forth unconvictedвБ†вЄЇвБ†unheardвБ†вЄЇвБ†untouchвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†if so, why did I not stay at Strasburg, where justiceвБ†вАФbut I had sworn! Come, thou shalt drinkвБ†вАФto St.¬†NicolasвБ†вАФO Julia!вБ†вЄїWhat dost thou prick up thy ears at?вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis nothing but a man, etc.
The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and JuliaвБ†вАФtill he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as he arrived, he alightedвБ†вЄїsaw his mule, as he had promised it, taken good care ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†took off his cloak-bag, with his crimson-sattin breeches, etc., in itвБ†вАФcalled for an omelet to his supper, went to his bed about twelve oвАЩclock, and in five minutes fell fast asleep.
It was about the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg being abated for that night,вБ†вАФthe Strasburgers had all got quietly into their bedsвБ†вАФbut not like the stranger, for the rest either of their minds or bodies; queen Mab, like an elf as she was, had taken the strangerвАЩs nose, and without reduction of its bulk, had that night been at the pains of slitting and dividing it into as many noses of different cuts and fashions, as there were heads in Strasburg to hold them. The abbess of Quedlingberg, who with the four great dignitaries of her chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the sub-chantress, and senior canoness, had that week come to Strasburg to consult the university upon a case of conscience relating to their placket-holesвБ†вЄїwas ill all the night.
The courteous strangerвАЩs nose had got perched upon the top of the pineal gland of her brain, and made such rousing work in the fancies of the four great dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of sleep the whole night throвАЩ for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†there was no keeping a limb still amongst themвБ†вЄЇвБ†in short, they got up like so many ghosts.
The penitentiaries of the third order of saint FrancisвБ†вЄЇвБ†the nuns of mount CalvaryвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Pr√¶monstratensesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the CluniensesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Carthusians, and all the severer orders of nuns who lay that night in blankets or haircloth, were still in a worse condition than the abbess of QuedlingbergвБ†вАФby tumbling and tossing, and tossing and tumbling from one side of their beds to the other the whole night longвБ†вЄЇвБ†the several sisterhoods had scratchвАЩd and maulвАЩd themselves all to deathвБ†вЄЇвБ†they got out of their beds almost flayвАЩd aliveвБ†вАФeverybody thought saint Antony had visited them for probation with his fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†they had never once, in short, shut their eyes the whole night long from vespers to matins.
The nuns of saint Ursula acted the wisestвБ†вАФthey never attempted to go to bed at all.
The dean of Strasburg, the prebendaries, the capitulars and domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case of butterвАЩd buns) all wished they had followed the nuns of saint UrsulaвАЩs example.вБ†вЄї
In the hurry and confusion everything had been in the night before, the bakers had all forgot to lay their leavenвБ†вАФthere were no butterвАЩd buns to be had for breakfast in all StrasburgвБ†вАФthe whole close of the cathedral was in one eternal commotionвБ†вЄЇвБ†such a cause of restlessness and disquietude, and such a zealous inquiry into the cause of that restlessness, had never happened in Strasburg, since Martin Luther, with his doctrines, had turned the city upside down.
If the strangerвАЩs nose took this liberty of thrusting himself thus into the dishes of religious orders, etc., what a carnival did his nose make of it, in those of the laity!вБ†вАФвАЩtis more than my pen, worn to the stump as it is, has power to describe; though I acknowledge, (cries Slawkenbergius, with more gaiety of thought than I could have expected from him) that there is many a good simile now subsisting in the world which might give my countrymen some idea of it; but at the close of such a folio as this, wrote for their sakes, and in which I have spent the greatest part of my lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†though I own to them the simile is in being, yet would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either time or inclination to search for it? Let it suffice to say, that the riot and disorder it occasioned in the StrasburgersвАЩ fantasies was so generalвБ†вАФsuch an overpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties of the StrasburgersвАЩ mindsвБ†вАФso many strange things, with equal confidence on all sides, and with equal eloquence in all places, were spoken and sworn to concerning it, that turned the whole stream of all discourse and wonder towards itвБ†вАФevery soul, good and badвБ†вАФrich and poorвБ†вАФlearned and unlearnedвБ†вЄЇвБ†doctor and studentвБ†вЄЇвБ†mistress and maidвБ†вЄЇвБ†gentle and simpleвБ†вЄЇвБ†nunвАЩs flesh and womanвАЩs flesh, in Strasburg spent their time in hearing tidings about itвБ†вАФevery eye in Strasburg languished to see itвБ†вЄЇвБ†every fingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†every thumb in Strasburg burned to touch it.
Now what might add, if anything may be thought necessary to add, to so vehement a desireвБ†вАФwas this, that the sentinel, the bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeterвАЩs wife, the burgomasterвАЩs widow, the master of the inn, and the master of the innвАЩs wife, how widely soever they all differed every one from another in their testimonies and description of the strangerвАЩs noseвБ†вАФthey all agreed together in two pointsвБ†вАФnamely, that he was gone to Frankfort, and would not return to Strasburg till that day month; and secondly, whether his nose was true or false, that the stranger himself was one of the most perfect paragons of beautyвБ†вАФthe finest-made manвБ†вАФthe most genteel!вБ†вАФthe most generous of his purseвБ†вАФthe most courteous in his carriage that had ever entered the gates of StrasburgвБ†вАФthat as he rode, with scymetar slung loosely to his wrist, throвАЩ the streetsвБ†вАФand walked with his crimson-sattin breeches across the paradeвБ†вАФвАЩtwas with so sweet an air of careless modesty, and so manly withalвБ†вЄЇвБ†as would have put the heart in jeopardy (had his nose not stood in his way) of every virgin who had cast her eyes upon him.
I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and yearnings of curiosity, so excited, to justify the abbess of Quedlingberg, the prioress, the deaness, and sub-chantress, for sending at noonday for the trumpeterвАЩs wife: she went through the streets of Strasburg with her husbandвАЩs trumpet in her hand,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the best apparatus the straitness of the time would allow her, for the illustration of her theoryвБ†вАФshe stayed no longer than three days.
The sentinel and bandy-leggвАЩd drummer!вБ†вЄЇвБ†nothing on this side of old Athens could equal them! they read their lectures under the city-gates to comers and goers, with all the pomp of a Chrysippus and a Crantor in their porticos.
The master of the inn, with his ostler on his left-hand, read his also in the same stileвБ†вАФunder the portico or gateway of his stable-yardвБ†вАФhis wife, hers more privately in a back room: all flocked to their lectures; not promiscuouslyвБ†вАФbut to this or that, as is ever the way, as faith and credulity marshalвАЩd themвБ†вЄЇвБ†in a word, each Strasburger came crouding for intelligenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and every Strasburger had the intelligence he wanted.
вАЩTis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonstrators in natural philosophy, etc., that as soon as the trumpeterвАЩs wife had finished the abbess of QuedlingbergвАЩs private lecture, and had begun to read in public, which she did upon a stool in the middle of the great parade,вБ†вЄЇвБ†she incommoded the other demonstrators mainly, by gaining incontinently the most fashionable part of the city of Strasburg for her auditoryвБ†вЄЇвБ†But when a demonstrator in philosophy (cries Slawkenbergius) has a trumpet for an apparatus, pray what rival in science can pretend to be heard besides him?
Whilst the unlearned, throвАЩ these conduits of intelligence, were all busied in getting down to the bottom of the well, where Truth keeps her little courtвБ†вЄїwere the learned in their way as busy in pumping her up throвАЩ the conduits of dialect inductionвБ†вЄЇвБ†they concerned themselves not with factsвБ†вЄїthey reasonedвБ†вЄї
Not one profession had thrown more light upon this subject than the FacultyвБ†вАФhad not all their disputes about it run into the affair of Wens and ≈Уdematous swellings, they could not keep clear of them for their bloods and soulsвБ†вЄїthe strangerвАЩs nose had nothing to do either with wens or ≈Уdematous swellings.
It was demonstrated however very satisfactorily, that such a ponderous mass of heterogeneous matter could not be congested and conglomerated to the nose, whilst the infant was in Utero, without destroying the statical balance of the f≈Уtus, and throwing it plump upon its head nine months before the time.вБ†вЄї
вЄЇвБ†The opponents granted the theoryвБ†вЄЇвБ†they denied the consequences.
And if a suitable provision of veins, arteries, etc., said they, was not laid in, for the due nourishment of such a nose, in the very first stamina and rudiments of its formation, before it came into the world (bating the case of Wens) it could not regularly grow and be sustained afterwards.
This was all answered by a dissertation upon nutriment, and the effect which nutriment had in extending the vessels, and in the increase and prolongation of the muscular parts of the greatest growth and expansion imaginableвБ†вАФIn the triumph of which theory, they went so far as to affirm, that there was no cause in nature, why a nose might not grow to the size of the man himself.
The respondents satisfied the world this event could never happen to them so long as a man had but one stomach and one pair of lungsвБ†вЄЇвБ†For the stomach, said they, being the only organ destined for the reception of food, and turning it into chyleвБ†вАФand the lungs the only engine of sanguificationвБ†вАФit could possibly work off no more, than what the appetite brought it: or admitting the possibility of a manвАЩs overloading his stomach, nature had set bounds however to his lungsвБ†вАФthe engine was of a determined size and strength, and could elaborate but a certain quantity in a given timeвБ†вЄїthat is, it could produce just as much blood as was sufficient for one single man, and no more; so that, if there was as much nose as manвБ†вЄЇвБ†they proved a mortification must necessarily ensue; and forasmuch as there could not be a support for both, that the nose must either fall off from the man, or the man inevitably fall off from his nose.
Nature accommodates herself to these emergencies, cried the opponentsвБ†вАФelse what do you say to the case of a whole stomachвБ†вАФa whole pair of lungs, and but half a man, when both his legs have been unfortunately shot off?
He dies of a plethora, said theyвБ†вАФor must spit blood, and in a fortnight or three weeks go off in a consumption.вБ†вЄї
вЄЇвБ†It happens otherwiseвБ†вАФreplied the opponents.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
It ought not, said they.
The more curious and intimate inquirers after nature and her doings, though they went hand in hand a good way together, yet they all divided about the nose at last, almost as much as the Faculty itself.
They amicably laid it down, that there was a just and geometrical arrangement and proportion of the several parts of the human frame to its several destinations, offices, and functions which could not be transgressed but within certain limitsвБ†вАФthat nature, though she sportedвБ†вЄЇвБ†she sported within a certain circle;вБ†вАФand they could not agree about the diameter of it.
The logicians stuck much closer to the point before them than any of the classes of the literati;вБ†вЄїthey began and ended with the word Nose; and had it not been for a petitio principii, which one of the ablest of them ran his head against in the beginning of the combat, the whole controversy had been settled at once.
A nose, argued the logician, cannot bleed without bloodвБ†вАФand not only bloodвБ†вАФbut blood circulating in it to supply the ph√¶nomenon with a succession of dropsвБ†вАФ(a stream being but a quicker succession of drops, that is included, said he).вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now death, continued the logician, being nothing but the stagnation of the bloodвБ†вЄЇвБ†
I deny the definitionвБ†вЄЇвБ†Death is the separation of the soul from the body, said his antagonistвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then we donвАЩt agree about our weapons, said the logicianвБ†вАФThen there is an end of the dispute, replied the antagonist.
The civilians were still more concise: what they offered being more in the nature of a decreeвБ†вЄЇвБ†than a dispute.
Such a monstrous nose, said they, had it been a true nose, could not possibly have been suffered in civil societyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if falseвБ†вАФto impose upon society with such false signs and tokens, was a still greater violation of its rights, and must have had still less mercy shown it.
The only objection to this was, that if it proved anything, it proved the strangerвАЩs nose was neither true nor false.
This left room for the controversy to go on. It was maintained by the advocates of the ecclesiastic court, that there was nothing to inhibit a decree, since the stranger ex mero motu had confessed he had been at the Promontory of Noses, and had got one of the goodliest, etc. etc.вБ†вЄїTo this it was answered, it was impossible there should be such a place as the Promontory of Noses, and the learned be ignorant where it lay. The commissary of the bishop of Strasburg undertook the advocates, explained this matter in a treatise upon proverbial phrases, showing them, that the Promontory of Noses was a mere allegorick expression, importing no more than that nature had given him a long nose: in proof of which, with great learning, he cited the underwritten authorities, which had decided the point incontestably, had it not appeared that a dispute about some franchises of dean and chapter-lands had been determined by it nineteen years before.
It happenedвБ†вЄЇвБ†I must not say unluckily for Truth, because they were giving her a lift another way in so doing; that the two universities of StrasburgвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Lutheran, founded in the year 1538 by Jacobus Surmis, counsellor of the senate,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and the Popish, founded by Leopold, archduke of Austria, were, during all this time, employing the whole depth of their knowledge (except just what the affair of the abbess of QuedlingbergвАЩs placket-holes required)вБ†вЄЇвБ†in determining the point of Martin LutherвАЩs damnation.
The Popish doctors had undertaken to demonstrate √† priori, that from the necessary influence of the planets on the twenty-second day of October 1483вБ†вЄїwhen the moon was in the twelfth house, Jupiter, Mars, and Venus in the third, the Sun, Saturn, and Mercury, all got together in the fourthвБ†вАФthat he must in course, and unavoidably, be a damnвАЩd manвБ†вАФand that his doctrines, by a direct corollary, must be damnвАЩd doctrines too.
By inspection into his horoscope, where five planets were in coition all at once with Scorpio (in reading this my father would always shake his head) in the ninth house, which the Arabians allotted to religionвБ†вАФit appeared that Martin Luther did not care one stiver about the matterвБ†вЄїand that from the horoscope directed to the conjunction of MarsвБ†вАФthey made it plain likewise he must die cursing and blasphemingвБ†вЄЇвБ†with the blast of which his soul (being steepвАЩd in guilt) sailed before the wind, in the lake of hellfire.
The little objection of the Lutheran doctors to this, was, that it must certainly be the soul of another man, born Oct. 22, 83, which was forced to sail down before the wind in that mannerвБ†вАФinasmuch as it appeared from the register of Islaben in the county of Mansfelt, that Luther was not born in the year 1483, but in 84; and not on the 22nd day of October, but on the 10th of November, the eve of Martinmas day, from whence he had the name of Martin.
[вБ†вЄЇвБ†I must break off my translation for a moment; for if I did not, I know I should no more be able to shut my eyes in bed, than the abbess of QuedlingbergвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is to tell the reader, that my father never read this passage of Slawkenbergius to my uncle Toby, but with triumphвБ†вЄїnot over my uncle Toby, for he never opposed him in itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but over the whole world.
вАФNow you see, brother Toby, he would say, looking up, вАЬthat christian names are not such indifferent things;вАЭвБ†вЄїhad Luther here been called by any other name but Martin, he would have been damnвАЩd to all eternityвБ†вЄїNot that I look upon Martin, he would add, as a good nameвБ†вЄЇвБ†far from itвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis something better than a neutral, and but a littleвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet little as it is, you see it was of some service to him.
My father knew the weakness of this prop to his hypothesis, as well as the best logician could show himвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet so strange is the weakness of man at the same time, as it fell in his way, he could not for his life but make use of it; and it was certainly for this reason, that though there are many stories in Hafen SlawkenbergiusвАЩs Decads full as entertaining as this I am translating, yet there is not one amongst them which my father read over with half the delightвБ†вЄїit flattered two of his strangest hypotheses togetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†his Names and his Noses.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I will be bold to say, he might have read all the books in the Alexandrian Library, had not fate taken other care of them, and not have met with a book or passage in one, which hit two such nails as these upon the head at one stroke.]
The two universities of Strasburg were hard tugging at this affair of LutherвАЩs navigation. The Protestant doctors had demonstrated, that he had not sailed right before the wind, as the Popish doctors had pretended; and as everyone knew there was no sailing full in the teeth of itвБ†вАФthey were going to settle, in case he had sailed, how many points he was off; whether Martin had doubled the cape, or had fallen upon a lee-shore; and no doubt, as it was an enquiry of much edification, at least to those who understood this sort of navigation, they had gone on with it in spite of the size of the strangerвАЩs nose, had not the size of the strangerвАЩs nose drawn off the attention of the world from what they were aboutвБ†вЄЇвБ†it was their business to follow.
The abbess of Quedlingberg and her four dignitaries was no stop; for the enormity of the strangerвАЩs nose running full as much in their fancies as their case of conscienceвБ†вЄЇвБ†the affair of their placket-holes kept coldвБ†вАФin a word, the printers were ordered to distribute their typesвБ†вЄЇвБ†all controversies droppвАЩd.
вАЩTwas a square cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of itвБ†вАФto a nutshellвБ†вАФto have guessed on which side of the nose the two universities would split.
вАЩTis above reason, cried the doctors on one side.
вАЩTis below reason, cried the others.
вАЩTis faith, cried one.
вАЩTis a fiddlestick, said the other.
вАЩTis possible, cried the one.
вАЩTis impossible, said the other.
GodвАЩs power is infinite, cried the Nosarians, he can do anything.
He can do nothing, replied the Antinosarians, which implies contradictions.
He can make matter think, said the Nosarians.
As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sowвАЩs ear, replied the Antinosarians.
He cannot make two and two five, replied the Popish doctors.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis false, said their other opponents.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
Infinite power is infinite power, said the doctors who maintained the reality of the nose.вБ†вАФIt extends only to all possible things, replied the Lutherans.
By God in heaven, cried the Popish doctors, he can make a nose, if he thinks fit, as big as the steeple of Strasburg.
Now the steeple of Strasburg being the biggest and the tallest church-steeple to be seen in the whole world, the Antinosarians denied that a nose of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn, at least by a middle-sizвАЩd manвБ†вЄЇвБ†The Popish doctors swore it couldвБ†вАФThe Lutheran doctors said No;вБ†вАФit could not.
This at once started a new dispute, which they pursued a great way, upon the extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of GodвБ†вАФThat controversy led them naturally into Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas Aquinas to the devil.
The strangerвАЩs nose was no more heard of in the disputeвБ†вАФit just served as a frigate to launch them into the gulf of school-divinityвБ†вЄЇвБ†and then they all sailed before the wind.
Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge.
The controversy about the attributes, etc., instead of cooling, on the contrary had inflamed the StrasburgersвАЩ imaginations to a most inordinate degreeвБ†вЄЇвБ†The less they understood of the matter, the greater was their wonder about itвБ†вАФthey were left in all the distresses of desire unsatisfiedвБ†вЄЇвБ†saw their doctors, the Parchmentarians, the Brassarians, the Turpentarians, on one sideвБ†вАФthe Popish doctors on the other, like Pantagruel and his companions in quest of the oracle of the bottle, all embarked out of sight.
вЄЇвБ†The poor Strasburgers left upon the beach!
вЄЇвБ†What was to be done?вБ†вАФNo delayвБ†вАФthe uproar increasedвБ†вЄЇвБ†everyone in disorderвБ†вЄЇвБ†the city gates set open.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
Unfortunate Strasburgers! was there in the storehouse of natureвБ†вЄїwas there in the lumber-rooms of learningвБ†вЄїwas there in the great arsenal of chance, one single engine left undrawn forth to torture your curiosities, and stretch your desires, which was not pointed by the hand of Fate to play upon your hearts?вБ†вЄЇвБ†I dip not my pen into my ink to excuse the surrender of yourselvesвБ†вАФвАЩtis to write your panegyrick. Show me a city so macerated with expectationвБ†вЄЇвБ†who neither eat, or drank, or slept, or prayed, or hearkened to the calls either of religion or nature for seven-and-twenty days together, who could have held out one day longer.
On the twenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised to return to Strasburg.
Seven thousand coaches (Slawkenbergius must certainly have made some mistake in his numerical characters) 7,000 coachesвБ†вЄЇвБ†15,000 single-horse chairsвБ†вАФ20,000 wagons, crowded as full as they could all hold with senators, counsellors, syndicksвБ†вАФbeguines, widows, wives, virgins, canons, concubines, all in their coachesвБ†вАФThe abbess of Quedlingberg, with the prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress, leading the procession in one coach, and the dean of Strasburg, with the four great dignitaries of his chapter, on her left-handвБ†вАФthe rest following higglety-pigglety as they could; some on horsebackвБ†вЄЇвБ†some on footвБ†вЄЇвБ†some ledвБ†вЄЇвБ†some drivenвБ†вЄЇвБ†some down the RhineвБ†вЄЇвБ†some this wayвБ†вЄЇвБ†some thatвБ†вЄЇвБ†all set out at sunrise to meet the courteous stranger on the road.
Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my taleвБ†вЄїI say Catastrophe (cries Slawkenbergius) inasmuch as a tale, with parts rightly disposed, not only rejoiceth (gaudet) in the Catastrophe and Peripetia of a Drama, but rejoiceth moreover in all the essential and integrant parts of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it has its Protasis, Epitasis, Catastasis, its Catastrophe or Peripetia growing one out of the other in it, in the order Aristotle first planted themвБ†вЄЇвБ†without which a tale had better never be told at all, says Slawkenbergius, but be kept to a manвАЩs self.
In all my ten tales, in all my ten decads, have I Slawkenbergius tied down every tale of them as tightly to this rule, as I have done this of the stranger and his nose.
вЄЇвБ†From his first parley with the sentinel, to his leaving the city of Strasburg, after pulling off his crimson-sattin pair of breeches, is the Protasis or first entranceвБ†вЄЇвБ†where the characters of the Person√¶ Dramatis are just touched in, and the subject slightly begun.
The Epitasis, wherein the action is more fully entered upon and heightened, till it arrives at its state or height called the Catastasis, and which usually takes up the 2nd and 3rd act, is included within that busy period of my tale, betwixt the first nightвАЩs uproar about the nose, to the conclusion of the trumpeterвАЩs wifeвАЩs lectures upon it in the middle of the grand parade: and from the first embarking of the learned in the disputeвБ†вАФto the doctors finally sailing away, and leaving the Strasburgers upon the beach in distress, is the Catastasis or the ripening of the incidents and passions for their bursting forth in the fifth act.
This commences with the setting out of the Strasburgers in the Frankfort road, and terminates in unwinding the labyrinth and bringing the hero out of a state of agitation (as Aristotle calls it) to a state of rest and quietness.
This, says Hafen Slawkenbergius, constitutes the Catastrophe or Peripetia of my taleвБ†вАФand that is the part of it I am going to relate.
We left the stranger behind the curtain asleepвБ†вЄЇвБ†he enters now upon the stage.
вАФWhat dost thou prick up thy ears at?вБ†вАФвАЩtis nothing but a man upon a horseвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the last word the stranger uttered to his mule. It was not proper then to tell the reader, that the mule took his masterвАЩs word for it; and without any more ifs or ands, let the traveller and his horse pass by.
The traveller was hastening with all diligence to get to Strasburg that night. What a fool am I, said the traveller to himself, when he had rode about a league farther, to think of getting into Strasburg this night.вБ†вАФStrasburg!вБ†вЄЇвБ†the great Strasburg!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Strasburg, the capital of all Alsatia! Strasburg, an imperial city! Strasburg, a sovereign state! Strasburg, garrisoned with five thousand of the best troops in all the world!вБ†вАФAlas! if I was at the gates of Strasburg this moment, I could not gain admittance into it for a ducatвБ†вАФnay a ducat and halfвБ†вАФвАЩtis too muchвБ†вЄЇвБ†better go back to the last inn I have passedвБ†вЄЇвБ†than lie I know not whereвБ†вЄЇвБ†or give I know not what. The traveller, as he made these reflections in his mind, turned his horseвАЩs head about, and three minutes after the stranger had been conducted into his chamber, he arrived at the same inn.
вЄїWe have bacon in the house, said the host, and breadвБ†вЄїand till eleven oвАЩclock this night had three eggs in itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but a stranger, who arrived an hour ago, has had them dressed into an omelet, and we have nothing.вБ†вЄї
Alas! said the traveller, harassed as I am, I want nothing but a bed.вБ†вЄїI have one as soft as is in Alsatia, said the host.
вЄЇвБ†The stranger, continued he, should have slept in it, for вАЩtis my best bed, but upon the score of his nose.вБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†He has got a defluxion, said the traveller.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Not that I know, cried the host.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis a camp-bed, and Jacinta, said he, looking towards the maid, imagined there was not room in it to turn his nose in.вБ†вЄїWhy so? cried the traveller, starting back.вБ†вАФIt is so long a nose, replied the host.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The traveller fixed his eyes upon Jacinta, then upon the groundвБ†вАФkneeled upon his right kneeвБ†вАФhad just got his hand laid upon his breastвБ†вЄїTrifle not with my anxiety, said he, rising up again.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis no trifle, said Jacinta, вАЩtis the most glorious nose!вБ†вЄЇвБ†The traveller fell upon his knee againвБ†вАФlaid his hand upon his breastвБ†вАФthen, said he, looking up to heaven, thou hast conducted me to the end of my pilgrimage.вБ†вАФвАЩTis Diego.
The traveller was the brother of the Julia, so often invoked that night by the stranger as he rode from Strasburg upon his mule; and was come, on her part, in quest of him. He had accompanied his sister from Valadolid across the Pyrenean mountains through France, and had many an entangled skein to wind off in pursuit of him through the many meanders and abrupt turnings of a loverвАЩs thorny tracks.
вЄЇвБ†Julia had sunk under itвБ†вЄїand had not been able to go a step farther than to Lyons, where, with the many disquietudes of a tender heart, which all talk ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†but few feelвБ†вАФshe sickenвАЩd, but had just strength to write a letter to Diego; and having conjured her brother never to see her face till he had found him out, and put the letter into his hands, Julia took to her bed.
Fernandez (for that was her brotherвАЩs name)вБ†вЄЇвБ†though the camp-bed was as soft as any one in Alsace, yet he could not shut his eyes in it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†As soon as it was day he rose, and hearing Diego was risen too, he entered his chamber, and discharged his sisterвАЩs commission.
The letter was as follows:
вАЬSeig. Diego,
вАЬWhether my suspicions of your nose were justly excited or notвБ†вЄївАЩtis not now to inquireвБ†вАФit is enough I have not had firmness to put them to farther tryal.
вАЬHow could I know so little of myself, when I sent my Duenna to forbid your coming more under my lattice? or how could I know so little of you, Diego, as to imagine you would not have stayed one day in Valadolid to have given ease to my doubts?вБ†вАФWas I to be abandoned, Diego, because I was deceived? or was it kind to take me at my word, whether my suspicions were just or no, and leave me, as you did, a prey to much uncertainty and sorrow?
вАЬIn what manner Julia has resented thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†my brother, when he puts this letter into your hands, will tell you; He will tell you in how few moments she repented of the rash message she had sent youвБ†вЄЇвБ†in what frantic haste she flew to her lattice, and how many days and nights together she leaned immoveably upon her elbow, looking through it towards the way which Diego was wont to come.
вАЬHe will tell you, when she heard of your departureвБ†вАФhow her spirits deserted herвБ†вЄЇвБ†how her heart sickenвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†how piteously she mournedвБ†вЄЇвБ†how low she hung her head. O¬†Diego! how many weary steps has my brotherвАЩs pity led me by the hand languishing to trace out yours; how far has desire carried me beyond strengthвБ†вЄЇвБ†and how oft have I fainted by the way, and sunk into his arms, with only power to cry outвБ†вАФO my Diego!
вАЬIf the gentleness of your carriage has not belied your heart, you will fly to me, almost as fast as you fled from meвБ†вАФhaste as you willвБ†вЄЇвБ†you will arrive but to see me expire.вБ†вЄївАЩTis a bitter draught, Diego, but oh! вАЩtis embitterвАЩd still more by dying unвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвАЭ
She could proceed no farther.
Slawkenbergius supposes the word intended was unconvinced, but her strength would not enable her to finish her letter.
The heart of the courteous Diego overflowed as he read the letterвБ†вЄїhe ordered his mule forthwith and FernandezвАЩs horse to be saddled; and as no vent in prose is equal to that of poetry in such conflictsвБ†вЄЇвБ†chance, which as often directs us to remedies as to diseases, having thrown a piece of charcoal into the windowвБ†вЄЇвБ†Diego availed himself of it, and whilst the hostler was getting ready his mule, he eased his mind against the wall as follows.
Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love,
Unless my Julia strikes the key,
Her hand alone can touch the part,
Whose dulcet move-
ment charms the heart,
And governs all the man with sympathetick sway.
O Julia!
The lines were very naturalвБ†вЄЇвБ†for they were nothing at all to the purpose, says Slawkenbergius, and вАЩtis a pity there were no more of them; but whether it was that Seig. Diego was slow in composing versesвБ†вАФor the hostler quick in saddling mulesвБ†вЄЇвБ†is not averred; certain it was, that DiegoвАЩs mule and FernandezвАЩs horse were ready at the door of the inn, before Diego was ready for his second stanza; so without staying to finish his ode, they both mounted, sallied forth, passed the Rhine, traversed Alsace, shaped their course towards Lyons, and before the Strasburgers and the abbess of Quedlingberg had set out on their cavalcade, had Fernandez, Diego, and his Julia, crossed the Pyrenean mountains, and got safe to Valadolid.
вАЩTis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when Diego was in Spain, it was not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the Frankfort road; it is enough to say, that of all restless desires, curiosity being the strongestвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Strasburgers felt the full force of it; and that for three days and nights they were tossed to and fro in the Frankfort road, with the tempestuous fury of this passion, before they could submit to return home.вБ†вЄЇвБ†When alas! an event was prepared for them, of all other, the most grievous that could befall a free people.
As this revolution of the StrasburgersвАЩ affairs is often spoken of, and little understood, I will, in ten words, says Slawkenbergius, give the world an explanation of it, and with it put an end to my tale.
Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by order of Mons. Colbert, and put in manuscript into the hands of Lewis the fourteenth, in the year 1664.
вАЩTis as well known, that one branch out of many of that system, was the getting possession of Strasburg, to favour an entrance at all times into Suabia, in order to disturb the quiet of GermanyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that in consequence of this plan, Strasburg unhappily fell at length into their hands.
It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and suchlike revolutionsвБ†вАФThe vulgar look too high for themвБ†вАФStatesmen look too lowвБ†вЄЇвБ†Truth (for once) lies in the middle.
What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries one historianвБ†вАФThe Strasburgers deemed it a diminution of their freedom to receive an imperial garrisonвБ†вЄЇвБ†so fell a prey to a French one.
The fate, says another, of the Strasburgers, may be a warning to all free people to save their money.вБ†вЄїThey anticipated their revenuesвБ†вЄЇвБ†brought themselves under taxes, exhausted their strength, and in the end became so weak a people, they had not strength to keep their gates shut, and so the French pushed them open.
Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, вАЩtwas not the French,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas curiosity pushed them openвБ†вЄїThe French indeed, who are ever upon the catch, when they saw the Strasburgers, men, women, and children, all marched out to follow the strangerвАЩs noseвБ†вЄЇвБ†each man followed his own, and marched in.
Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever sinceвБ†вАФbut not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned; for it is owing to this only, that Noses have ever so run in their heads, that the Strasburgers could not follow their business.
Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, making an exclamationвБ†вАФit is not the firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I fear will not be the last fortress that has been either wonвБ†вЄЇвБ†or lost by Noses.
The end of
SlawkenbergiusвАЩs
Tale