Book + 

VIII + 

I + 

вЄЇвБ†But softlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†for in these sportive plains, and under this genial sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out piping, fiddling, and dancing to the vintage, and every step thatвАЩs taken, the judgment is surprised by the imagination, I defy, notwithstanding all that has been said upon straight lines in sundry pages of my bookвБ†вАФI defy the best cabbage planter that ever existed, whether he plants backwards or forwards, it makes little difference in the account (except that he will have more to answer for in the one case than in the other)вБ†вАФI defy him to go on coolly, critically, and canonically, planting his cabbages one by one, in straight lines, and stoical distances, especially if slits in petticoats are unsewвАЩd upвБ†вАФwithout ever and anon straddling out, or sidling into some bastardly digressionвБ†вЄЇвБ†In Freeze-land, Fog-land, and some other lands I wot ofвБ†вАФit may be doneвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every idea, sensible and insensible, gets ventвБ†вАФin this land, my dear EugeniusвБ†вАФin this fertile land of chivalry and romance, where I now sit, unskrewing my ink-horn to write my uncle TobyвАЩs amours, and with all the meanders of JuliaвАЩs track in quest of her Diego, in full view of my study windowвБ†вАФif thou comest not and takest me by the handвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

What a work it is likely to turn out! + 

Let us begin it. + 

II + 

It is with love as with cuckoldomвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing upon my mind to be imparted to the reader, which, if not imparted now, can never be imparted to him as long as I live (whereas the comparison may be imparted to him any hour in the day)вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll just mention it, and begin in good earnest. + 

The thing is this. + 

That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the bestвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩm sure it is the most religiousвБ†вЄЇвБ†for I begin with writing the first sentenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and trusting to Almighty God for the second. + 

вАЩTwould cure an author forever of the fuss and folly of opening his street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, and kinsfolk, with the devil and all his imps, with their hammers and engines, etc., only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and how the plan follows the whole. + 

I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with what confidence, as I grasp the elbow of it, I look upвБ†вЄЇвБ†catching the idea, even sometimes before it halfway reaches meвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intended for another man. + 

Pope and his Portrait are fools to meвБ†вЄЇвБ†no martyr is ever so full of faith or fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish I could say of good works tooвБ†вЄЇвБ†but I have no + 

Zeal or AngerвБ†вЄЇвБ†or + 

Anger or ZealвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same nameвБ†вЄЇвБ†the errantest Tartuffe, in scienceвБ†вАФin politicsвБ†вАФor in religion, shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word, or a more unkind greeting, than what he will read in the next chapter. + 

III + 

вЄЇвБ†Bonjour!вБ†вЄЇвБ†good morrow!вБ†вЄЇвБ†so you have got your cloak on betimes!вБ†вЄЇвБ†but вАЩtis a cold morning, and you judge the matter rightlyвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis better to be well mounted, than go oвАЩ footвБ†вЄЇвБ†and obstructions in the glands are dangerousвБ†вЄЇвБ†And how goes it with thy concubineвБ†вАФthy wife,вБ†вАФand thy little ones oвАЩ both sides? and when did you hear from the old gentleman and ladyвБ†вАФyour sister, aunt, uncle, and cousinsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I hope they have got better of their colds, coughs, claps, toothaches, fevers, stranguries, sciaticas, swellings, and sore eyes. + 

вЄЇвБ†What a devil of an apothecary! to take so much bloodвБ†вАФgive such a vile purgeвБ†вАФpukeвБ†вАФpoulticeвБ†вАФplaisterвБ†вАФnight-draughtвБ†вАФclysterвБ†вАФblister?вБ†вЄЇвБ†And why so many grains of calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of opium! periclitating, pardi! the whole family of ye, from head to tailвБ†вЄЇвБ†By my great-aunt DinahвАЩs old black velvet mask! I think there was no occasion for it. + 

Now this being a little bald about the chin, by frequently putting off and on, before she was got with child by the coachmanвБ†вАФnot one of our family would wear it after. To cover the mask afresh, was more than the mask was worthвБ†вЄЇвБ†and to wear a mask which was bald, or which could be half seen through, was as bad as having no mask at allвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that in all our numerous family, for these four generations, we count no more than one archbishop, a¬†Welch judge, some three or four aldermen, and a single mountebankвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

In the sixteenth century, we boast of no less than a dozen alchymists. + 

IV + 

вАЬIt is with Love as with CuckoldomвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†the suffering party is at least the third, but generally the last in the house who knows anything about the matter: this comes, as all the world knows, from having half a dozen words for one thing; and so long, as what in this vessel of the human frame, is LoveвБ†вАФmay be Hatred, in thatвБ†вЄЇвБ†Sentiment half a yard higherвБ†вЄЇвБ†and NonsenseвБ†вЄЇвБ†вЄїno, Madam,вБ†вАФnot thereвБ†вЄЇвБ†I mean at the part I am now pointing to with my forefingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†how can we help ourselves? + 

Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if you please, who ever soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my uncle Toby was the worst fitted, to have pushвАЩd his researches, throвАЩ such a contention of feelings; and he had infallibly let them all run on, as we do worse matters, to see what they would turn outвБ†вЄЇвБ†had not BridgetвАЩs pre-notification of them to Susannah, and SusannahвАЩs repeated manifestoes thereupon to all the world, made it necessary for my uncle Toby to look into the affair. + 

V + 

Why weavers, gardeners, and gladiatorsвБ†вАФor a man with a pined leg (proceeding from some ailment in the foot)вБ†вАФshould ever have had some tender nymph breaking her heart in secret for them, are points well and duly settled and accounted for by ancient and modern physiologists. + 

A water-drinker, provided he is a professвАЩd one, and does it without fraud or covin, is precisely in the same predicament: not that, at first sight, there is any consequence, or show of logic in it, вАЬThat a rill of cold water dribbling through my inward parts, should light up a torch in my JennyвАЩsвБ†вАФвАЭ + 

вЄЇвБ†The proposition does not strike one; on the contrary, it seems to run opposite to the natural workings of causes and effectsвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But it shows the weakness and imbecility of human reason. + 

вЄЇвАЬAnd in perfect good health with it?вАЭ + 

вАФThe most perfect,вБ†вАФMadam, that friendship herself could wish meвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬAnd drink nothing!вБ†вАФnothing but water?вАЭ + 

вАФImpetuous fluid! the moment thou pressest against the floodgates of the brainвБ†вЄЇвБ†see how they give way!вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

In swims Curiosity, beckoning to her damsels to followвБ†вАФthey dive into the centre of the currentвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Fancy sits musing upon the bank, and with her eyes following the stream, turns straws and bulrushes into masts and bowspritsвБ†вЄЇвБ†And Desire, with vest held up to the knee in one hand, snatches at them, as they swim by her with the otherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

O ye water-drinkers! is it then by this delusive fountain, that ye have so often governed and turnвАЩd this world about like a mill-wheelвБ†вАФgrinding the faces of the impotentвБ†вАФbepowdering their ribsвБ†вАФbepeppering their noses, and changing sometimes even the very frame and face of natureвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

If I was you, quoth Yorick, I would drink more water, EugeniusвБ†вАФAnd, if I was you, Yorick, replied Eugenius, so would I. + 

Which shows they had both read LonginusвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

For my own part, I am resolved never to read any book but my own, as long as I live. + 

VI + 

I wish my uncle Toby had been a water-drinker; for then the thing had been accounted for, That the first moment Widow Wadman saw him, she felt something stirring within her in his favourвБ†вАФSomething!вБ†вАФsomething. + 

вАФSomething perhaps more than friendshipвБ†вАФless than loveвБ†вАФsomethingвБ†вАФno matter whatвБ†вАФno matter whereвБ†вАФI would not give a single hair off my muleвАЩs tail, and be obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the villain has not many to spare, and is not a little vicious into the bargain), to be let by your worships into the secretвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But the truth is, my uncle Toby was not a water-drinker; he drank it neither pure nor mixвАЩd, or anyhow, or anywhere, except fortuitously upon some advanced posts, where better liquor was not to be hadвБ†вЄЇвБ†or during the time he was under cure; when the surgeon telling him it would extend the fibres, and bring them sooner into contactвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby drank it for quietness sake. + 

Now as all the world knows, that no effect in nature can be produced without a cause, and as it is as well known, that my uncle Toby was neither a weaverвБ†вАФa gardener, or a gladiatorвБ†вЄЇвБ†unless as a captain, you will needs have him oneвБ†вАФbut then he was only a captain of footвБ†вАФand besides, the whole is an equivocationвБ†вЄЇвБ†There is nothing left for us to suppose, but that my uncle TobyвАЩs legвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that will avail us little in the present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded from some ailment in the footвБ†вАФwhereas his leg was not emaciated from any disorder in his footвБ†вАФfor my uncle TobyвАЩs leg was not emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and awkward, from a total disuse of it, for the three years he lay confined at my fatherвАЩs house in town; but it was plump and muscular, and in all other respects as good and promising a leg as the other. + 

I declare, I do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my life, where my understanding was more at a loss to make ends meet, and torture the chapter I had been writing, to the service of the chapter following it, than in the present case: one would think I took a pleasure in running into difficulties of this kind, merely to make fresh experiments of getting out of вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†Inconsiderate soul that thou art! What! are not the unavoidable distresses with which, as an author and a man, thou art hemmвАЩd in on every side of theeвБ†вЄЇвБ†are they, Tristram, not sufficient, but thou must entangle thyself still more? + 

Is it not enough that thou art in debt, and that thou hast ten cartloads of thy fifth and sixth volumes stillвБ†вАФstill unsold, and art almost at thy witвАЩs ends, how to get them off thy hands? + 

To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma that thou gattest in skating against the wind in Flanders? and is it but two months ago, that in a fit of laughter, on seeing a cardinal make water like a quirister (with both hands) thou brakest a vessel in thy lungs, whereby, in two hours, thou lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst thou lost as much more, did not the faculty tell theeвБ†вЄїit would have amounted to a gallon?вБ†вЄї + 

VII + 

вЄЇвБ†But for heavenвАЩs sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallonsвБ†вЄЇвБ†let us take the story straight before us; it is so nice and intricate a one, it will scarce bear the transposition of a single tittle; and, somehow or other, you have got me thrust almost into the middle of itвБ†вАФ + 

вАФI beg we may take more care. + 

VIII + 

My uncle Toby and the corporal had posted down with so much heat and precipitation, to take possession of the spot of ground we have so often spoke of, in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies; that they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair; it was neither a pioneerвАЩs spade, a pickax, or a shovelвБ†вАФ + 

вАФIt was a bed to lie on: so that as Shandy-Hall was at that time unfurnished; and the little inn where poor Le Fever died, not yet built; my uncle Toby was constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs, for a night or two, till corporal Trim (who to the character of an excellent valet, groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and engineer, superadded that of an excellent upholsterer too), with the help of a carpenter and a couple of tailors, constructed one in my uncle TobyвАЩs house. + 

A daughter of Eve, for such was widow Wadman, and вАЩtis all the character I intend to give of herвБ†вАФ + 

вАФвАЬThat she was a perfect womanвБ†вАФвАЭ had better be fifty leagues offвБ†вАФor in her warm bedвБ†вАФor playing with a case-knifeвБ†вАФor anything you pleaseвБ†вАФthan make a man the object of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her own. + 

There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad daylight, where a woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing a man in more lights than oneвБ†вАФbut here, for her soul, she can see him in no light without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with himвБ†вЄЇвБ†till by reiterated acts of such combination, he gets foisted into her inventoryвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФAnd then good night. + 

But this is not matter of System; for I have delivered that aboveвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor is it matter of BreviaryвБ†вЄЇвБ†for I make no manвАЩs creed but my ownвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor matter of FactвБ†вЄЇвБ†at least that I know of; but вАЩtis matter copulative and introductory to what follows. + 

IX + 

I do not speak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness of themвБ†вАФor the strength of their gussetsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but pray do not night-shifts differ from day-shifts as much in this particular, as in anything else in the world; That they so far exceed the others in length, that when you are laid down in them, they fall almost as much below the feet, as the day-shifts fall short of them? + 

Widow WadmanвАЩs night-shifts (as was the mode I suppose in King WilliamвАЩs and Queen AnneвАЩs reigns) were cut however after this fashion; and if the fashion is changed (for in Italy they are come to nothing)вБ†вЄЇвБ†so much the worse for the public; they were two Flemish ells and a half in length; so that allowing a moderate woman two ells, she had half an ell to spare, to do what she would with. + 

Now from one little indulgence gained after another, in the many bleak and decemberly nights of a seven years widowhood, things had insensibly come to this pass, and for the two last years had got establishвАЩd into one of the ordinances of the bedchamberвБ†вАФThat as soon as Mrs.¬†Wadman was put to bed, and had got her legs stretched down to the bottom of it, of which she always gave Bridget noticeвБ†вАФBridget, with all suitable decorum, having first openвАЩd the bedclothes at the feet, took hold of the half-ell of cloth we are speaking of, and having gently, and with both her hands, drawn it downwards to its furthest extension, and then contracted it again sidelong by four or five even plaits, she took a large corking pin out of her sleeve, and with the point directed towards her, pinnвАЩd the plaits all fast together a little above the hem; which done, she tuckвАЩd all in tight at the feet, and wishвАЩd her mistress a good night. + 

This was constant, and without any other variation than this; that on shivering and tempestuous nights, when Bridget untuckвАЩd the feet of the bed, etc., to do thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†she consulted no thermometer but that of her own passions; and so performed it standingвБ†вАФkneelingвБ†вАФor squatting, according to the different degrees of faith, hope, and charity, she was in, and bore towards her mistress that night. In every other respect, the etiquette was sacred, and might have vied with the most mechanical one of the most inflexible bedchamber in Christendom. + 

The first night, as soon as the corporal had conducted my uncle Toby upstairs, which was about tenвБ†вЄЇвБ†Mrs.¬†Wadman threw herself into her armchair, and crossing her left knee with her right, which formed a resting-place for her elbow, she reclinвАЩd her cheek upon the palm of her hand, and leaning forwards ruminated till midnight upon both sides of the question. + 

The second night she went to her bureau, and having ordered Bridget to bring her up a couple of fresh candles and leave them upon the table, she took out her marriage-settlement, and read it over with great devotion: and the third night (which was the last of my uncle TobyвАЩs stay) when Bridget had pullвАЩd down the night-shift, and was assaying to stick in the corking pinвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†With a kick of both heels at once, but at the same time the most natural kick that could be kickвАЩd in her situationвБ†вЄЇвБ†for supposing * * * * * * * * * to be the sun in its meridian, it was a northeast kickвБ†вЄЇвБ†she kickвАЩd the pin out of her fingersвБ†вЄЇвБ†the etiquette which hung upon it, downвБ†вЄЇвБ†down it fell to the ground, and was shiverвАЩd into a thousand atoms. + 

From all which it was plain that widow Wadman was in love with my uncle Toby. + 

X + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs head at that time was full of other matters, so that it was not till the demolition of Dunkirk, when all the other civilities of Europe were settled, that he found leisure to return this. + 

This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to my uncle TobyвБ†вАФbut with respect to Mrs.¬†Wadman, a vacancy)вБ†вАФof almost eleven years. But in all cases of this nature, as it is the second blow, happen at what distance of time it will, which makes the frayвБ†вЄЇвБ†I choose for that reason to call these the amours of my uncle Toby with Mrs.¬†Wadman, rather than the amours of Mrs.¬†Wadman with my uncle Toby. + 

This is not a distinction without a difference. + 

It is not like the affair of an old hat cockвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†and a cockвАЩd old hat, about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†but there is a difference here in the nature of thingsвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too. + 

XI + 

Now as widow Wadman did love my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and my uncle Toby did not love widow Wadman, there was nothing for widow Wadman to do, but to go on and love my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†or let it alone. + 

Widow Wadman would do neither the one or the other. + 

вЄЇвБ†Gracious heaven!вБ†вЄЇвБ†but I forget I am a little of her temper myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it sometimes does about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so much this, and that, and tвАЩother, that I cannot eat my breakfast for herвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or noвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Curse on her! and so I send her to Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del Fuogo, and so on to the devil: in short, there is not an infernal nitch where I do not take her divinityship and stick it. + 

But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky-wayвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon someoneвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†The duce take her and her influence tooвБ†вЄЇвБ†for at that word I lose all patienceвБ†вЄЇвБ†much good may it do him!вБ†вЄЇвБ†By all that is hirsute and gashly! I cry, taking off my furrвАЩd cap, and twisting it round my fingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†I would not give sixpence for a dozen such! + 

вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head, and pressing it close to my ears)вБ†вАФand warmвБ†вАФand soft; especially if you stroke it the right wayвБ†вАФbut alas! that will never be my luckвБ†вЄЇ(so here my philosophy is shipwreckвАЩd again). + 

вЄЇвБ†No; I shall never have a finger in the pye (so here I break my metaphor)вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Crust and Crumb + 

Inside and out + 

Top and bottomвБ†вЄЇвБ†I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate itвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩm sick at the sight of itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЩTis all pepper, + 

garlick, + 

staragen, + 

salt, and + 

devilвАЩs dungвБ†вЄЇвБ†by the great arch-cook of cooks, who does nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fireside and invent inflammatory dishes for us, I would not touch it for the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†O Tristram! Tristram! cried Jenny. + 

O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so went on with the twelfth chapter. + 

XII + 

вЄЇвАЬNot touch it for the world,вАЭ did I sayвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor! + 

XIII + 

Which shows, let your reverences and worships say what you will of it (for as for thinkingвБ†вЄЇвБ†all who do thinkвБ†вАФthink pretty much alike both upon it and other matters)вБ†вЄЇвБ†Love is certainly, at least alphabetically speaking, one of the most + 

Agitating + 

Bewitching + 

Confounded + 

Devilish affairs of lifeвБ†вАФthe most + 

Extravagant + 

Futilitous + 

Galligaskinish + 

Handy-dandyish + 

Iracundulous (there is no K to it) and + 

Lyrical of all human passions: at the same time, the most + 

Misgiving + 

Ninnyhammering + 

Obstipating + 

Pragmatical + 

Stridulous + 

RidiculousвБ†вАФthough by the by the R should have gone firstвБ†вАФBut in short вАЩtis of such a nature, as my father once told my uncle Toby upon the close of a long dissertation upon the subjectвБ†вЄЇвАЬYou can scarce,вАЭ said he, вАЬcombine two ideas together upon it, brother Toby, without an hypallageвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†WhatвАЩs that? cried my uncle Toby. + 

The cart before the horse, replied my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†And what is he to do there? cried my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Nothing, quoth my father, but to get inвБ†вЄЇвБ†or let it alone. + 

Now widow Wadman, as I told you before, would do neither the one or the other. + 

She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all points, to watch accidents. + 

XIV + 

The Fates, who certainly all foreknew of these amours of widow Wadman and my uncle Toby, had, from the first creation of matter and motion (and with more courtesy than they usually do things of this kind), established such a chain of causes and effects hanging so fast to one another, that it was scarce possible for my uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house in the world, or to have occupied any other garden in Christendom, but the very house and garden which joinвАЩd and laid parallel to Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs; this, with the advantage of a thickset arbour in Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs garden, but planted in the hedgerow of my uncle TobyвАЩs, put all the occasions into her hands which Love-militancy wanted; she could observe my uncle TobyвАЩs motions, and was mistress likewise of his councils of war; and as his unsuspecting heart had given leave to the corporal, through the mediation of Bridget, to make her a wicker-gate of communication to enlarge her walks, it enabled her to carry on her approaches to the very door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out of gratitude, to make an attack, and endeavour to blow my uncle Toby up in the very sentry-box itself. + 

XV + 

It is a great pityвБ†вЄЇвБ†but вАЩtis certain from every dayвАЩs observation of man, that he may be set on fire like a candle, at either endвБ†вАФprovided there is a sufficient wick standing out; if there is notвБ†вАФthereвАЩs an end of the affair; and if there isвБ†вАФby lighting it at the bottom, as the flame in that case has the misfortune generally to put out itselfвБ†вАФthereвАЩs an end of the affair again. + 

For my part, could I always have the ordering of it which way I would be burnt myselfвБ†вАФfor I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a beastвБ†вАФI would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top; for then I should burn down decently to the socket; that is, from my head to my heart, from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my bowels, and so on by the meseraick veins and arteries, through all the turns and lateral insertions of the intestines and their tunicles to the blind gutвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I beseech you, doctor Slop, quoth my uncle Toby, interrupting him as he mentioned the blind gut, in a discourse with my father the night my mother was brought to bed of meвБ†вЄЇвБ†I beseech you, quoth my uncle Toby, to tell me which is the blind gut; for, old as I am, I vow I do not know to this day where it lies. + 

The blind gut, answered doctor Slop, lies betwixt the Ilion and ColonвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

In a man? said my father. + 

вЄЇвАЩTis precisely the same, cried doctor Slop, in a woman.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

ThatвАЩs more than I know; quoth my father. + 

XVI + 

вЄЇвБ†And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs.¬†Wadman predetermined to light my uncle Toby neither at this end or that; but, like a prodigalвАЩs candle, to light him, if possible, at both ends at once. + 

Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture, including both of horse and foot, from the great arsenal of Venice to the Tower of London (exclusive), if Mrs.¬†Wadman had been rummaging for seven years together, and with Bridget to help her, she could not have found any one blind or mantelet so fit for her purpose, as that which the expediency of my uncle TobyвАЩs affairs had fixвАЩd up ready to her hands. + 

I believe I have not told youвБ†вЄЇвБ†but I donвАЩt knowвБ†вЄЇвБ†possibly I haveвБ†вЄЇвБ†be it as it will, вАЩtis one of the number of those many things, which a man had better do over again, than dispute about itвБ†вАФThat whatever town or fortress the corporal was at work upon, during the course of their campaign, my uncle Toby always took care, on the inside of his sentry-box, which was towards his left hand, to have a plan of the place, fastenвАЩd up with two or three pins at the top, but loose at the bottom, for the conveniency of holding it up to the eye, etcвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ as occasions required; so that when an attack was resolved upon, Mrs.¬†Wadman had nothing more to do, when she had got advanced to the door of the sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; and edging in her left foot at the same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or upright, or whatever it was, and with outstretched neck meeting it halfway,вБ†вАФto advance it towards her; on which my uncle TobyвАЩs passions were sure to catch fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†for he would instantly take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand, and with the end of his pipe in the other, begin an explanation. + 

When the attack was advanced to this point;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the world will naturally enter into the reasons of Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs next stroke of generalshipвБ†вЄЇвБ†which was, to take my uncle TobyвАЩs tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly could; which, under one pretence or other, but generally that of pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the map, she would effect before my uncle Toby (poor soul!) had well marchвАЩd above half a dozen toises with it. + 

вАФIt obliged my uncle Toby to make use of his forefinger. + 

The difference it made in the attack was this; That in going upon it, as in the first case, with the end of her forefinger against the end of my uncle TobyвАЩs tobacco-pipe, she might have travelled with it, along the lines, from Dan to Beersheba, had my uncle TobyвАЩs lines reachвАЩd so far, without any effect: For as there was no arterial or vital heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could excite no sentimentвБ†вЄЇвБ†it could neither give fire by pulsationвБ†вЄЇвБ†or receive it by sympathyвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas nothing but smoke. + 

Whereas, in following my uncle TobyвАЩs forefinger with hers, close throвАЩ all the little turns and indentings of his worksвБ†вАФpressing sometimes against the side of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†then treading upon its nailвБ†вЄЇвБ†then tripping it upвБ†вЄЇвБ†then touching it hereвБ†вЄЇвБ†then there, and so onвБ†вЄЇвБ†it set something at least in motion. + 

This, though slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the main body, yet drew on the rest; for here, the map usually falling with the back of it, close to the side of the sentry-box, my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his soul, would lay his hand flat upon it, in order to go on with his explanation; and Mrs.¬†Wadman, by a manoeuvre as quick as thought, would as certainly place hers close beside it; this at once opened a communication, large enough for any sentiment to pass or repass, which a person skillвАЩd in the elementary and practical part of lovemaking, has occasion forвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as before) to my uncle TobyвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†it unavoidably brought the thumb into actionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the forefinger and thumb being once engaged, as naturally brought in the whole hand. Thine, dear uncle Toby! was never now in its right placeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Mrs.¬†Wadman had it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest pushings, protrusions, and equivocal compressions, that a hand to be removed is capable of receivingвБ†вЄЇвБ†to get it pressвАЩd a hair breadth of one side out of her way. + 

Whilst this was doing, how could she forget to make him sensible, that it was her leg (and no oneвАЩs else) at the bottom of the sentry-box, which slightly pressвАЩd against the calf of hisвБ†вЄЇвБ†So that my uncle Toby being thus attacked and sore pushвАЩd on both his wingsвБ†вЄЇвБ†was it a wonder, if now and then, it put his centre into disorder?вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†The duce take it! said my uncle Toby. + 

XVII + 

These attacks of Mrs.¬†Wadman, you will readily conceive to be of different kinds; varying from each other, like the attacks which history is full of, and from the same reasons. A general looker-on would scarce allow them to be attacks at allвБ†вЄЇвБ†or if he did, would confound them all togetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†but I write not to them: it will be time enough to be a little more exact in my descriptions of them, as I come up to them, which will not be for some chapters; having nothing more to add in this, but that in a bundle of original papers and drawings which my father took care to roll up by themselves, there is a plan of Bouchain in perfect preservation (and shall be kept so, whilst I have power to preserve anything), upon the lower corner of which, on the right hand side, there is still remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb, which there is all the reason in the world to imagine, were Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs; for the opposite side of the margin, which I suppose to have been my uncle TobyвАЩs, is absolutely clean: This seems an authenticated record of one of these attacks; for there are vestigia of the two punctures partly grown up, but still visible on the opposite corner of the map, which are unquestionably the very holes, through which it has been pricked up in the sentry-boxвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

By all that is priestly! I value this precious relick, with its stigmata and pricks, more than all the relicks of the Romish churchвБ†вЄЇвБ†always excepting, when I am writing upon these matters, the pricks which entered the flesh of St.¬†Radagunda in the desert, which in your road from Fesse to Cluny, the nuns of that name will show you for love. + 

XVIII + 

I think, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth Trim, the fortifications are quite destroyedвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the bason is upon a level with the moleвБ†вЄЇвБ†I think so too; replied my uncle Toby with a sigh half suppressвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†but step into the parlour, Trim, for the stipulationвБ†вЄЇвБ†it lies upon the table. + 

It has lain there these six weeks, replied the corporal, till this very morning that the old woman kindled the fire with itвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†Then, said my uncle Toby, there is no further occasion for our services. The more, anвАЩ please your honour, the pity, said the corporal; in uttering which he cast his spade into the wheelbarrow, which was beside him, with an air the most expressive of disconsolation that can be imagined, and was heavily turning about to look for his pickax, his pioneerвАЩs shovel, his picquets, and other little military stores, in order to carry them off the fieldвБ†вЄЇвБ†when a heigh-ho! from the sentry-box, which being made of thin slit deal, reverberated the sound more sorrowfully to his ear, forbad him. + 

вЄЇвБ†No; said the corporal to himself, IвАЩll do it before his honour rises tomorrow morning; so taking his spade out of the wheelbarrow again, with a little earth in it, as if to level something at the foot of the glacisвБ†вЄЇвБ†but with a real intent to approach nearer to his master, in order to divert himвБ†вЄЇвБ†he loosenвАЩd a sod or twoвБ†вЄЇвБ†pared their edges with his spade, and having given them a gentle blow or two with the back of it, he sat himself down close by my uncle TobyвАЩs feet, and began as follows. + 

XIX + 

It was a thousand pitiesвБ†вЄЇвБ†though I believe, anвАЩ please your honour, I am going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldierвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

A soldier, cried my uncle Toby, interrupting the corporal, is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing, Trim, than a man of lettersвБ†вЄЇвБ†But not so often, anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby gave a nod. + 

It was a thousand pities then, said the corporal, casting his eye upon Dunkirk, and the mole, as Servius Sulpicius, in returning out of Asia (when he sailed from √Жgina towards Megara), did upon Corinth and PyreusвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФвАЬIt was a thousand pities, anвАЩ please your honour, to destroy these worksвБ†вЄЇвБ†and a thousand pities to have let them stood.вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou art right, Trim, in both cases; said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This, continued the corporal, is the reason, that from the beginning of their demolition to the endвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have never once whistled, or sung, or laughвАЩd, or cryвАЩd, or talkвАЩd of past done deeds, or told your honour one story good or badвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou hast many excellencies, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and I hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest to be a storyteller, that of the number thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave onesвБ†вАФthou hast seldom told me a bad oneвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Because, anвАЩ please your honour, except one of a King of Bohemia and his seven castles,вБ†вАФthey are all true; for they are about myselfвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I do not like the subject the worse, Trim, said my uncle Toby, on that score: But prithee what is this story? thou hast excited my curiosity. + 

IвАЩll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal, directlyвБ†вАФProvided, said my uncle Toby, looking earnestly towards Dunkirk and the mole againвБ†вЄЇвБ†provided it is not a merry one; to such, Trim, a man should ever bring one half of the entertainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at present would wrong both thee, Trim, and thy storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is not a merry one by any means, replied the corporalвБ†вАФNor would I have it altogether a grave one, added my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is neither the one nor the other, replied the corporal, but will suit your honour exactlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then IвАЩll thank thee for it with all my heart, cried my uncle Toby; so prithee begin it, Trim. + 

The corporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a matter as the world imagines, to pull off a lank Montero-cap with graceвБ†вЄЇвБ†or a whit less difficult, in my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat upon the ground, to make a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont; yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, which was towards his master, to slip backwards upon the grass, a little beyond his body, in order to allow it the greater sweepвБ†вЄЇвБ†and by an unforced compression, at the same time, of his cap with the thumb and the two forefingers of his left, by which the diameter of the cap became reduced, so that it might be said, rather to be insensibly squeezвАЩdвБ†вАФthan pullвАЩd off with a flatusвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better manner than the posture of his affairs promised; and having hemmed twice, to find in what key his story would best go, and best suit his masterвАЩs humour,вБ†вАФhe exchanged a single look of kindness with him, and set off thus. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles + 

There was a certain king of Bo - - heвБ†вЄї + 

As the corporal was entering the confines of Bohemia, my uncle Toby obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had set out bareheaded, having, since he pullвАЩd off his Montero-cap in the latter end of the last chapter, left it lying beside him on the ground. + 

вЄЇвБ†The eye of Goodness espieth all thingsвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that before the corporal had well got through the first five words of his story, had my uncle Toby twice touchвАЩd his Montero-cap with the end of his cane, interrogativelyвБ†вЄЇвБ†as much as to say, Why donвАЩt you put it on, Trim? Trim took it up with the most respectful slowness, and casting a glance of humiliation as he did it, upon the embroidery of the forepart, which being dismally tarnishвАЩd and frayвАЩd moreover in some of the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern, he layвАЩd it down again between his two feet, in order to moralise upon the subject. + 

вЄЇвАЩTis every word of it but too true, cried my uncle Toby, that thou art about to observeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬNothing in this world, Trim, is made to last forever.вАЭ + 

вЄЇвБ†But when tokens, dear Tom, of thy love and remembrance wear out, said Trim, what shall we say? + 

There is no occasion, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, to say anything else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till DoomвАЩs day, I believe, Trim, it would be impossible. + 

The corporal, perceiving my uncle Toby was in the right, and that it would be in vain for the wit of man to think of extracting a purer moral from his cap, without further attempting it, he put it on; and passing his hand across his forehead to rub out a pensive wrinkle, which the text and the doctrine between them had engenderвАЩd, he returnвАЩd, with the same look and tone of voice, to his story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

There was a certain king of Bohemia, but in whose reign, except his own, I am not able to inform your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I do not desire it of thee, Trim, by any means, cried my uncle Toby. + 

вЄЇвБ†It was a little before the time, anвАЩ please your honour, when giants were beginning to leave off breeding:вБ†вАФbut in what year of our Lord that wasвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I would not give a halfpenny to know, said my uncle Toby. + 

вЄЇвБ†Only, anвАЩ please your honour, it makes a story look the better in the faceвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвАЩTis thy own, Trim, so ornament it after thy own fashion; and take any date, continued my uncle Toby, looking pleasantly upon himвБ†вАФtake any date in the whole world thou choosest, and put it toвБ†вАФthou art heartily welcomeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The corporal bowed; for of every century, and of every year of that century, from the first creation of the world down to NoahвАЩs flood; and from NoahвАЩs flood to the birth of Abraham; through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs, to the departure of the Israelites out of EgyptвБ†вЄЇвБ†and throughout all the Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and other memorable epochas of the different nations of the world, down to the coming of Christ, and from thence to the very moment in which the corporal was telling his storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†had my uncle Toby subjected this vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet; but as modesty scarce touches with a finger what liberality offers her with both hands openвБ†вАФthe corporal contented himself with the very worst year of the whole bunch; which, to prevent your honours of the Majority and Minority from tearing the very flesh off your bones in contestation, вАЬWhether that year is not always the last cast-year of the last cast-almanacвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†I tell you plainly it was; but from a different reason than you wot ofвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†It was the year next himвБ†вЄЇвБ†which being, the year of our Lord seventeen hundred and twelve, when the Duke of Ormond was playing the devil in FlandersвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal took it, and set out with it afresh on his expedition to Bohemia. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

In the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelve, there was, anвАЩ please your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†To tell thee truly, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, any other date would have pleased me much better, not only on account of the sad stain upon our history that year, in marching off our troops, and refusing to cover the siege of Quesnoi, though Fagel was carrying on the works with such incredible vigourвБ†вАФbut likewise on the score, Trim, of thy own story; because if there areвБ†вАФand which, from what thou hast dropt, I partly suspect to be the factвБ†вАФif there are giants in itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

There is but one, anвАЩ please your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвАЩTis as bad as twenty, replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou shouldвАЩst have carried him back some seven or eight hundred years out of harmвАЩs way, both of critics and other people: and therefore I would advise thee, if ever thou tellest it againвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†If I live, anвАЩ please your honour, but once to get through it, I will never tell it again, quoth Trim, either to man, woman, or childвБ†вЄЇвБ†PooвБ†вАФpoo! said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФbut with accents of such sweet encouragement did he utter it, that the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity than ever. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

There was, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal, raising his voice and rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily together as he begun, a certain king of BohemiaвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Leave out the date entirely, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaning forwards, and laying his hand gently upon the corporalвАЩs shoulder to temper the interruptionвБ†вАФleave it out entirely, Trim; a story passes very well without these niceties, unless one is pretty sure of вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†Sure of вАЩem! said the corporal, shaking his headвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Right; answered my uncle Toby, it is not easy, Trim, for one, bred up as thou and I have been to arms, who seldom looks further forward than to the end of his musket, or backwards beyond his knapsack, to know much about this matterвБ†вЄЇвБ†God bless your honour! said the corporal, won by the manner of my uncle TobyвАЩs reasoning, as much as by the reasoning itself, he has something else to do; if not on action, or a march, or upon duty in his garrisonвБ†вАФhe has his firelock, anвАЩ please your honour, to furbishвБ†вАФhis accoutrements to take care ofвБ†вАФhis regimentals to mendвБ†вАФhimself to shave and keep clean, so as to appear always like what he is upon the parade; what business, added the corporal triumphantly, has a soldier, anвАЩ please your honour, to know anything at all of geography? + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou wouldвАЩst have said chronology, Trim, said my uncle Toby; for as for geography, вАЩtis of absolute use to him; he must be acquainted intimately with every country and its boundaries where his profession carries him; he should know every town and city, and village and hamlet, with the canals, the roads, and hollow ways which lead up to them; there is not a river or a rivulet he passes, Trim, but he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is its nameвБ†вАФin what mountains it takes its riseвБ†вАФwhat is its courseвБ†вАФhow far it is navigableвБ†вАФwhere fordableвБ†вАФwhere not; he should know the fertility of every valley, as well as the hind who ploughs it; and be able to describe, or, if it is required, to give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles, the forts, the acclivities, the woods and morasses, throвАЩ and by which his army is to march; he should know their produce, their plants, their minerals, their waters, their animals, their seasons, their climates, their heats and cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their language, their policy, and even their religion. + 

Is it else to be conceived, corporal, continued my uncle Toby, rising up in his sentry-box, as he began to warm in this part of his discourseвБ†вАФhow Marlborough could have marched his army from the banks of the Maes to Belburg; from Belburg to KerpenordвБ†вАФ(here the corporal could sit no longer) from Kerpenord, Trim, to Kalsaken; from Kalsaken to Newdorf; from Newdorf to Landenbourg; from Landenbourg to Mildenheim; from Mildenheim to Elchingen; from Elchingen to Gingen; from Gingen to Balmerchoffen; from Balmerchoffen to Skellenburg, where he broke in upon the enemyвАЩs works; forced his passage over the Danube; crossвАЩd the LechвБ†вАФpushвАЩd on his troops into the heart of the empire, marching at the head of them through Fribourg, Hokenwert, and Schonevelt, to the plains of Blenheim and Hochstet?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Great as he was, corporal, he could not have advanced a step, or made one single dayвАЩs march without the aids of Geography.вБ†вЄЇвБ†As for Chronology, I own, Trim, continued my uncle Toby, sitting down again coolly in his sentry-box, that of all others, it seems a science which the soldier might best spare, was it not for the lights which that science must one day give him, in determining the invention of powder; the furious execution of which, renversing everything like thunder before it, has become a new √¶ra to us of military improvements, changing so totally the nature of attacks and defences both by sea and land, and awakening so much art and skill in doing it, that the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precise time of its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing what great man was the discoverer, and what occasions gave birth to it. + 

I am far from controverting, continued my uncle Toby, what historians agree in, that in the year of our Lord 1380, under the reign of Wencelaus, son of Charles the FourthвБ†вЄЇвБ†a certain priest, whose name was Schwartz, showвАЩd the use of powder to the Venetians, in their wars against the Genoese; but вАЩtis certain he was not the first; because if we are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop of LeonвБ†вАФHow came priests and bishops, anвАЩ please your honour, to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder? God knows, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†his providence brings good out of everythingвБ†вАФand he avers, in his chronicle of King Alphonsus, who reduced Toledo, That in the year 1343, which was full thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder was well known, and employed with success, both by Moors and Christians, not only in their sea-combats, at that period, but in many of their most memorable sieges in Spain and BarbaryвБ†вАФAnd all the world knows, that Friar Bacon had wrote expressly about it, and had generously given the world a receipt to make it by, above a hundred and fifty years before even Schwartz was bornвБ†вАФAnd that the Chinese, added my uncle Toby, embarrass us, and all accounts of it, still more, by boasting of the invention some hundreds of years even before himвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФThey are a pack of liars, I believe, cried TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle Toby, in this matter, as is plain to me from the present miserable state of military architecture amongst them; which consists of nothing more than a foss√© with a brick wall without flanksвБ†вАФand for what they gave us as a bastion at each angle of it, вАЩtis so barbarously constructed, that it looks for all the worldвБ†вЄївЄїLike one of my seven castles, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth Trim. + 

My uncle Toby, though in the utmost distress for a comparison, most courteously refused TrimвАЩs offerвБ†вАФtill Trim telling him, he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which he knew not how to get off his handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby was so touchвАЩd with the pleasantry of heart of the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†that he discontinued his dissertation upon gunpowderвБ†вЄЇвБ†and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story of the King of Bohemia and his seven castles. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

This unfortunate King of Bohemia, said Trim,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Was he unfortunate, then? cried my uncle Toby, for he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gunpowder, and other military affairs, that though he had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the epithetвБ†вЄЇвБ†Was he unfortunate, then, Trim? said my uncle Toby, patheticallyвБ†вЄЇвБ†The corporal, wishing first the word and all its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the principal events in the King of BohemiaвАЩs story; from every one of which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to retract his epithetвБ†вЄЇвБ†and less to explain itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a systemвБ†вЄЇвБ†he looked up in my uncle TobyвАЩs face for assistanceвБ†вЄЇвБ†but seeing it was the very thing my uncle Toby sat in expectation of himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†after a hum and a haw, he went onвБ†вЄї + 

The King of Bohemia, anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal, was unfortunate, as thusвБ†вЄЇвБ†That taking great pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea affairsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of Bohemia, to be no seaport town whateverвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

How the duce should thereвБ†вАФTrim? cried my uncle Toby; for Bohemia being totally inland, it could have happenвАЩd no otherwiseвБ†вЄЇвБ†It might, said Trim, if it had pleased GodвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle Toby never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God, but with diffidence and hesitationвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I believe not, replied my uncle Toby, after some pauseвБ†вЄЇвБ†for being inland, as I said, and having Silesia and Moravia to the east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north; Franconia to the west; Bavaria to the south; Bohemia could not have been propellвАЩd to the sea without ceasing to be BohemiaвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor could the sea, on the other hand, have come up to Bohemia, without overflowing a great part of Germany, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could make no defence against itвБ†вЄЇвБ†Scandalous! cried TrimвБ†вАФWhich would bespeak, added my uncle Toby, mildly, such a want of compassion in him who is the father of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†that, I think, TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†the thing could have happenвАЩd no way. + 

The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and went on. + 

Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one fine summerвАЩs evening to walk outвБ†вЄЇвБ†Aye! there the word happening is right, Trim, cried my uncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have walkвАЩd out or let it alone:вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas a matter of contingency, which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it. + 

King William was of an opinion, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth Trim, that everything was predestined for us in this world; insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers, that вАЬevery ball had its billet.вАЭ He was a great man, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†And I believe, continued Trim, to this day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me out of his service, and place me in your honourвАЩs, where I should be taken so much better care of in my old ageвБ†вЄЇвБ†It shall never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said my uncle Toby. + 

The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to sudden overflowings;вБ†вЄЇвБ†a short silence ensued. + 

Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourseвБ†вАФbut in a gayer accentвБ†вЄЇвБ†if it had not been for that single shot, I had never, anвАЩ please your honour, been in loveвБ†вЄї + 

So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said my uncle Toby, smilingвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Souse! replied the corporalвБ†вАФover head and ears! anвАЩ please your honour. Prithee when? where?вБ†вАФand how came it to pass?вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never heard one word of it before; quoth my uncle Toby:вБ†вЄЇвБ†I dare say, answered Trim, that every drummer and serjeantвАЩs son in the regiment knew of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†ItвАЩs high time I shouldвБ†вЄЇвБ†said my uncle Toby. + 

Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal, the total rout and confusion of our camp and army at the affair of Landen; everyone was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the regiments of Wyndham, Lumley, and Galway, which covered the retreat over the bridge of Neerspeeken, the king himself could scarce have gained itвБ†вЄЇвБ†he was pressвАЩd hard, as your honour knows, on every side of himвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Gallant mortal! cried my uncle Toby, caught up with enthusiasmвБ†вАФthis moment, now that all is lost, I see him galloping across me, corporal, to the left, to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him to support the right, and tear the laurel from LuxembourgвАЩs brows, if yet вАЩtis possibleвБ†вЄЇвБ†I see him with the knot of his scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits into poor GalwayвАЩs regimentвБ†вАФriding along the lineвБ†вАФthen wheeling about, and charging Conti at the head of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†Brave! brave, by heaven! cried my uncle TobyвБ†вАФhe deserves a crownвБ†вЄЇвБ†As richly, as a thief a halter; shouted Trim. + 

My uncle Toby knew the corporalвАЩs loyalty;вБ†вАФotherwise the comparison was not at all to his mindвБ†вЄЇвБ†it did not altogether strike the corporalвАЩs fancy when he had made itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but it could not be recallвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†so he had nothing to do, but proceed. + 

As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think of anything but his own safetyвБ†вАФThough Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought off the foot with great prudenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†But I was left upon the field, said the corporal. Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†So that it was noon the next day, continued the corporal, before I was exchanged, and put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen more, in order to be conveyвАЩd to our hospital. + 

There is no part of the body, anвАЩ please your honour, where a wound occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the kneeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Except the groin; said my uncle Toby. AnвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the most acute, there being so many tendons and what-dвАЩye-call-вАЩems all about it. + 

It is for that reason, quoth my uncle Toby, that the groin is infinitely more sensibleвБ†вЄЇвБ†there being not only as many tendons and what-dвАЩye-call-вАЩems (for I know their names as little as thou dost)вБ†вЄЇвБ†about itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but moreover *¬†*¬†*вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Mrs.¬†Wadman, who had been all the time in her arbourвБ†вАФinstantly stoppвАЩd her breathвБ†вАФunpinnвАЩd her mob at the chin, and stood up upon one legвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncle Toby and Trim for some time; till Trim at length recollecting that he had often cried at his masterвАЩs sufferings, but never shed a tear at his ownвБ†вАФwas for giving up the point, which my uncle Toby would not allowвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a proof of nothing, Trim, said he, but the generosity of thy temperвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin (caeteris paribus) is greater than the pain of a wound in the kneeвБ†вЄЇвБ†or + 

Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of a wound in the groinвБ†вЄЇвБ†are points which to this day remain unsettled. + 

XX + 

The anguish of my knee, continued the corporal, was excessive in itself; and the uneasiness of the cart, with the roughness of the roads, which were terribly cut upвБ†вАФmaking bad still worseвБ†вАФevery step was death to me: so that with the loss of blood, and the want of care-taking of me, and a fever I felt coming on besidesвБ†вЄЇ(Poor soul! said my uncle Toby)вБ†вЄЇвБ†all together, anвАЩ please your honour, was more than I could sustain. + 

I was telling my sufferings to a young woman at a peasantвАЩs house, where our cart, which was the last of the line, had halted; they had helpвАЩd me in, and the young woman had taken a cordial out of her pocket and droppвАЩd it upon some sugar, and seeing it had cheerвАЩd me, she had given it me a second and a third timeвБ†вЄЇвБ†So I was telling her, anвАЩ please your honour, the anguish I was in, and was saying it was so intolerable to me, that I had much rather lie down upon the bed, turning my face towards one which was in the corner of the roomвБ†вАФand die, than go onвБ†вЄЇвБ†when, upon her attempting to lead me to it, I fainted away in her arms. She was a good soul! as your honour, said the corporal, wiping his eyes, will hear. + 

I thought love had been a joyous thing, quoth my uncle Toby. + 

вАЩTis the most serious thing, anвАЩ please your honour (sometimes), that is in the world. + 

By the persuasion of the young woman, continued the corporal, the cart with the wounded men set off without me: she had assured them I should expire immediately if I was put into the cart. So when I came to myselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†I found myself in a still quiet cottage, with no one but the young woman, and the peasant and his wife. I was laid across the bed in the corner of the room, with my wounded leg upon a chair, and the young woman beside me, holding the corner of her handkerchief dippвАЩd in vinegar to my nose with one hand, and rubbing my temples with the other. + 

I took her at first for the daughter of the peasant (for it was no inn)вБ†вАФso had offerвАЩd her a little purse with eighteen florins, which my poor brother Tom (here Trim wipвАЩd his eyes) had sent me as a token, by a recruit, just before he set out for Lisbon.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I never told your honour that piteous story yetвБ†вЄЇвБ†here Trim wiped his eyes a third time. + 

The young woman callвАЩd the old man and his wife into the room, to show them the money, in order to gain me credit for a bed and what little necessaries I should want, till I should be in a condition to be got to the hospitalвБ†вЄЇвБ†Come then! said she, tying up the little purseвБ†вАФIвАЩll be your bankerвБ†вАФbut as that office alone will not keep me employвАЩd, IвАЩll be your nurse too. + 

I thought by her manner of speaking this, as well as by her dress, which I then began to consider more attentivelyвБ†вЄЇвБ†that the young woman could not be the daughter of the peasant. + 

She was in black down to her toes, with her hair concealвАЩd under a cambric border, laid close to her forehead: she was one of those kind of nuns, anвАЩ please your honour, of which, your honour knows, there are a good many in Flanders, which they let go looseвБ†вЄЇвБ†By thy description, Trim, said my uncle Toby, I dare say she was a young Beguine, of which there are none to be found anywhere but in the Spanish NetherlandsвБ†вАФexcept at AmsterdamвБ†вЄЇвБ†they differ from nuns in this, that they can quit their cloister if they choose to marry; they visit and take care of the sick by professionвБ†вЄЇвБ†I had rather, for my own part, they did it out of good-nature. + 

вЄЇвБ†She often told me, quoth Trim, she did it for the love of ChristвБ†вАФI did not like it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I believe, Trim, we are both wrong, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФweвАЩll ask Mr.¬†Yorick about it tonight at my brother ShandyвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†so put me in mind; added my uncle Toby. + 

The young Beguine, continued the corporal, had scarce given herself time to tell me вАЬshe would be my nurse,вАЭ when she hastily turned about to begin the office of one, and prepare something for meвБ†вЄЇвБ†and in a short timeвБ†вАФthough I thought it a long oneвБ†вАФshe came back with flannels, etc. etc., and having fomented my knee soundly for a couple of hours, etc., and made me a thin bason of gruel for my supperвБ†вАФshe wishвАЩd me rest, and promised to be with me early in the morning.вБ†вЄЇвБ†She wished me, anвАЩ please your honour, what was not to be had. My fever ran very high that nightвБ†вАФher figure made sad disturbance within meвБ†вАФI was every moment cutting the world in twoвБ†вАФto give her half of itвБ†вАФand every moment was I crying, That I had nothing but a knapsack and eighteen florins to share with herвБ†вЄЇвБ†The whole night long was the fair Beguine, like an angel, close by my bedside, holding back the curtain and offering me cordialsвБ†вАФand I was only awakened from my dream by her coming there at the hour promised, and giving them in reality. In truth, she was scarce ever from me; and so accustomed was I to receive life from her hands, that my heart sickened, and I lost colour when she left the room: and yet, continued the corporal (making one of the strangest reflections upon it in the world)вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвАЬIt was not loveвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†for during the three weeks she was almost constantly with me, fomenting my knee with her hand, night and dayвБ†вАФI can honestly say, anвАЩ please your honourвБ†вАФthat * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * once. + 

That was very odd, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby. + 

I think so tooвБ†вАФsaid Mrs.¬†Wadman. + 

It never did, said the corporal. + 

XXI + 

вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis no marvel, continued the corporalвБ†вАФseeing my uncle Toby musing upon itвБ†вАФfor Love, anвАЩ please your honour, is exactly like war, in this; that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete oвАЩ Saturday night,вБ†вАФmay nevertheless be shot through his heart on Sunday morningвБ†вЄЇвБ†It happened so here, anвАЩ please your honour, with this difference onlyвБ†вАФthat it was on Sunday in the afternoon, when I fell in love all at once with a sisseraraвБ†вЄЇвБ†It burst upon me, anвАЩ please your honour, like a bombвБ†вЄЇвБ†scarce giving me time to say, вАЬGod bless me.вАЭ + 

I thought, Trim, said my uncle Toby, a man never fell in love so very suddenly. + 

Yes, anвАЩ please your honour, if he is in the way of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†replied Trim. + 

I prithee, quoth my uncle Toby, inform me how this matter happened. + 

вЄЇвБ†With all pleasure, said the corporal, making a bow. + 

XXII + 

I had escaped, continued the corporal, all that time from falling in love, and had gone on to the end of the chapter, had it not been predestined otherwiseвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is no resisting our fate. + 

It was on a Sunday, in the afternoon, as I told your honour. + 

The old man and his wife had walked outвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Everything was still and hush as midnight about the houseвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

There was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the yardвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†When the fair Beguine came in to see me. + 

My wound was then in a fair way of doing wellвБ†вЄЇвБ†the inflammation had been gone off for some time, but it was succeeded with an itching both above and below my knee, so insufferable, that I had not shut my eyes the whole night for it. + 

Let me see it, said she, kneeling down upon the ground parallel to my knee, and laying her hand upon the part below itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it only wants rubbing a little, said the Beguine; so covering it with the bedclothes, she began with the forefinger of her right hand to rub under my knee, guiding her forefinger backwards and forwards by the edge of the flannel which kept on the dressing. + 

In five or six minutes I felt slightly the end of her second fingerвБ†вАФand presently it was laid flat with the other, and she continued rubbing in that way round and round for a good while; it then came into my head, that I should fall in loveвБ†вАФI blushвАЩd when I saw how white a hand she hadвБ†вАФI shall never, anвАЩ please your honour, behold another hand so white whilst I liveвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Not in that place; said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Though it was the most serious despair in nature to the corporalвБ†вАФhe could not forbear smiling. + 

The young Beguine, continued the corporal, perceiving it was of great service to meвБ†вАФfrom rubbing for some time, with two fingersвБ†вАФproceeded to rub at length, with threeвБ†вАФtill by little and little she brought down the fourth, and then rubbвАЩd with her whole hand: I will never say another word, anвАЩ please your honour, upon hands againвБ†вАФbut it was softer than sattinвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†Prithee, Trim, commend it as much as thou wilt, said my uncle Toby; I shall hear thy story with the more delightвБ†вЄЇвБ†The corporal thankвАЩd his master most unfeignedly; but having nothing to say upon the BeguineвАЩs hand but the same over againвБ†вЄЇвБ†he proceeded to the effects of it. + 

The fair Beguine, said the corporal, continued rubbing with her whole hand under my kneeвБ†вАФtill I fearвАЩd her zeal would weary herвБ†вЄЇвАЬI would do a thousand times more,вАЭ said she, вАЬfor the love of ChristвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†In saying which, she passвАЩd her hand across the flannel, to the part above my knee, which I had equally complainвАЩd of, and rubbвАЩd it also. + 

I perceived, then, I was beginning to be in loveвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

As she continued rub-rub-rubbingвБ†вАФI felt it spread from under her hand, anвАЩ please your honour, to every part of my frame.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The more she rubbвАЩd, and the longer strokes she tookвБ†вЄЇвБ†the more the fire kindled in my veinsвБ†вЄЇвБ†till at length, by two or three strokes longer than the restвБ†вЄЇвБ†my passion rose to the highest pitchвБ†вЄЇвБ†I seizвАЩd her handвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†And then thou clappedвАЩst it to thy lips, Trim, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and madest a speech. + 

Whether the corporalвАЩs amour terminated precisely in the way my uncle Toby described it, is not material; it is enough that it contained in it the essence of all the love romances which ever have been wrote since the beginning of the world. + 

XXIII + 

As soon as the corporal had finished the story of his amourвБ†вАФor rather my uncle Toby for himвБ†вАФMrs.¬†Wadman silently sallied forth from her arbour, replaced the pin in her mob, passвАЩd the wicker-gate, and advanced slowly towards my uncle TobyвАЩs sentry-box: the disposition which Trim had made in my uncle TobyвАЩs mind, was too favourable a crisis to be let slippвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†The attack was determinвАЩd upon: it was facilitated still more by my uncle TobyвАЩs having ordered the corporal to wheel off the pioneerвАЩs shovel, the spade, the pickaxe, the picquets, and other military stores which lay scatterвАЩd upon the ground where Dunkirk stoodвБ†вАФthe corporal had marchвАЩdвБ†вАФthe field was clear. + 

Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, either in fighting, or writing, or anything else (whether in rhyme to it, or not) which a man has occasion to doвБ†вАФto act by plan: for if ever Plan, independent of all circumstances, deserved registering in letters of gold (I mean in the archives of Gotham)вБ†вАФit was certainly the Plan of Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs attack of my uncle Toby in his sentry-box, by PlanвБ†вЄЇвБ†Now the plan hanging up in it at this juncture, being the Plan of DunkirkвБ†вАФand the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxation, it opposed every impression she could make: and besides, could she have gone upon itвБ†вАФthe manoeuvre of fingers and hands in the attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by that of the fair BeguineвАЩs, in TrimвАЩs storyвБ†вАФthat just then, that particular attack, however successful beforeвБ†вАФbecame the most heartless attack that could be madeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

O! let woman alone for this. Mrs.¬†Wadman had scarce openвАЩd the wicket-gate, when her genius sported with the change of circumstances. + 

вЄЇвБ†She formed a new attack in a moment. + 

XXIV + 

вЄЇвБ†I am half distracted, captain Shandy, said Mrs.¬†Wadman, holding up her cambrick handkerchief to her left eye, as she approachвАЩd the door of my uncle TobyвАЩs sentry-boxвБ†вЄЇвБ†a moteвБ†вЄЇвБ†or sandвБ†вЄЇвБ†or somethingвБ†вЄЇвБ†I know not what, has got into this eye of mineвБ†вЄЇвБ†do look into itвБ†вАФit is not in the whiteвБ†вАФ + 

In saying which, Mrs.¬†Wadman edged herself close in beside my uncle Toby, and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his bench, she gave him an opportunity of doing it without rising upвБ†вЄЇвБ†Do look into itвБ†вАФsaid she. + 

Honest soul! thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heart, as ever child lookвАЩd into a raree-show-box; and вАЩtwere as much a sin to have hurt thee. + 

вЄЇвБ†If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things of that natureвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩve nothing to say to itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle Toby never did: and I will answer for him, that he would have sat quietly upon a sofa from June to January (which, you know, takes in both the hot and cold months), with an eye as fine as the Thracian RodopeвАЩs beside him, without being able to tell, whether it was a black or blue one. + 

The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby to look at one at all. + 

вАЩTis surmounted. And + 

I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand, and the ashes falling out of itвБ†вАФlookingвБ†вАФand lookingвБ†вАФthen rubbing his eyesвБ†вАФand looking again, with twice the good-nature that ever Gallileo lookвАЩd for a spot in the sun. + 

вЄЇвБ†In vain! for by all the powers which animate the organвБ†вЄЇвБ†Widow WadmanвАЩs left eye shines this moment as lucid as her rightвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is neither mote, or sand, or dust, or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake matter floating in itвБ†вАФThere is nothing, my dear paternal uncle! but one lambent delicious fire, furtively shooting out from every part of it, in all directions, into thineвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†If thou lookest, uncle Toby, in search of this mote one moment longerвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou art undone. + 

XXV + 

An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon, in this respect; That it is not so much the eye or the cannon, in themselves, as it is the carriage of the eyeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the carriage of the cannon, by which both the one and the other are enabled to do so much execution. I donвАЩt think the comparison a bad one; However, as вАЩtis made and placed at the head of the chapter, as much for use as ornament, all I desire in return is, that whenever I speak of Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs eyes (except once in the next period), that you keep it in your fancy. + 

I protest, Madam, said my uncle Toby, I can see nothing whatever in your eye. + 

It is not in the white; said Mrs.¬†Wadman: my uncle Toby lookвАЩd with might and main into the pupilвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Now of all the eyes which ever were createdвБ†вЄЇвБ†from your own, Madam, up to those of Venus herself, which certainly were as venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood in a headвБ†вЄЇвБ†there never was an eye of them all, so fitted to rob my uncle Toby of his repose, as the very eye, at which he was lookingвБ†вЄЇвБ†it was not, Madam, a rolling eyeвБ†вЄЇвБ†a romping or a wanton oneвБ†вАФnor was it an eye sparklingвБ†вАФpetulant or imperiousвБ†вАФof high claims and terrifying exactions, which would have curdled at once that milk of human nature, of which my uncle Toby was made upвБ†вЄЇвБ†but вАЩtwas an eye full of gentle salutationsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and soft responsesвБ†вЄЇвБ†speakingвБ†вЄЇвБ†not like the trumpet stop of some ill-made organ, in which many an eye I talk to, holds coarse converseвБ†вЄЇвБ†but whispering softвБ†вЄЇвБ†like the last low accent of an expiring saintвБ†вЄЇвАЬHow can you live comfortless, captain Shandy, and alone, without a bosom to lean your head onвБ†вЄЇвБ†or trust your cares to?вАЭ + 

It was an eyeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But I shall be in love with it myself, if I say another word about it. + 

вЄЇвБ†It did my uncle TobyвАЩs business. + 

XXVI + 

There is nothing shows the character of my father and my uncle Toby, in a more entertaining light, than their different manner of deportment, under the same accidentвБ†вЄЇвБ†for I call not love a misfortune, from a persuasion, that a manвАЩs heart is ever the better for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†Great God! what must my uncle TobyвАЩs have been, when вАЩtwas all benignity without it. + 

My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this passion, before he marriedвБ†вЄЇвБ†but from a little subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever it befell him, he would never submit to it like a christian; but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye that ever man wroteвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is one in verse upon somebodyвАЩs eye or other, that for two or three nights together, had put him by his rest; which in his first transport of resentment against it, he begins thus: + 

вАЬA Devil вАЩtisвБ†вЄЇвБ†and mischief such doth work + 

As never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk.вАЭ + 

In short, during the whole paroxism, my father was all abuse and foul language, approaching rather towards maledictionвБ†вЄЇвБ†only he did not do it with as much method as ErnulphusвБ†вЄЇвБ†he was too impetuous; nor with ErnulphusвАЩs policyвБ†вЄЇвБ†for though my father, with the most intolerant spirit, would curse both this and that, and everything under heaven, which was either aiding or abetting to his loveвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it, without cursing himself in at the bargain, as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say, that ever was let loose in the world. + 

My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it like a lambвБ†вЄЇвБ†sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistanceвБ†вЄЇвБ†in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound (like that on his groin) he never dropt one fretful or discontented wordвБ†вЄЇвБ†he blamed neither heaven nor earthвБ†вЄЇвБ†or thought or spoke an injurious thing of anybody, or any part of it; he sat solitary and pensive with his pipeвБ†вЄЇвБ†looking at his lame legвБ†вЄЇвБ†then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! which mixing with the smoke, incommoded no one mortal. + 

He took it like a lambвБ†вЄЇвБ†I say. + 

In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my father, that very morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood, which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor; which said wood being in full view of my uncle TobyвАЩs house, and of singular service to him in his description of the battle of WynnendaleвБ†вАФby trotting on too hastily to save itвБ†вЄЇвБ†upon an uneasy saddleвБ†вЄЇвБ†worse horse, etc. etcвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ it had so happened, that the serous part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins, in the nethermost part of my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†the first shootings of which (as my uncle Toby had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passionвБ†вАФtill the blister breaking in the one caseвБ†вАФand the other remainingвБ†вАФmy uncle Toby was presently convinced, that his wound was not a skin-deep woundвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that it had gone to his heart. + 

XXVII + 

The world is ashamed of being virtuousвБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby knew little of the world; and therefore when he felt he was in love with widow Wadman, he had no conception that the thing was any more to be made a mystery of, than if Mrs.¬†Wadman had given him a cut with a gapвАЩd knife across his finger: Had it been otherwiseвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet as he ever lookвАЩd upon Trim as a humble friend; and saw fresh reasons every day of his life, to treat him as suchвБ†вЄЇвБ†it would have made no variation in the manner in which he informed him of the affair. + 

вАЬI am in love, corporal!вАЭ quoth my uncle Toby. + 

XXVIII + 

In love!вБ†вЄЇвБ†said the corporalвБ†вАФyour honour was very well the day before yesterday, when I was telling your honour the story of the King of BohemiaвБ†вАФBohemia! said my uncle Toby -¬†-¬†-¬†- musing a long time -¬†-¬†- What became of that story, Trim? + 

вАФWe lost it, anвАЩ please your honour, somehow betwixt usвБ†вАФbut your honour was as free from love then, as I amвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas just whilst thou wentвАЩst off with the wheelbarrowвБ†вЄЇвБ†with Mrs.¬†Wadman, quoth my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†She has left a ball hereвБ†вАФadded my uncle TobyвБ†вАФpointing to his breastвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†She can no more, anвАЩ please your honour, stand a siege, than she can flyвБ†вАФcried the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†But as we are neighbours, Trim,вБ†вАФthe best way I think is to let her know it civilly firstвБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby. + 

Now if I might presume, said the corporal, to differ from your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФWhy else do I talk to thee, Trim? said my uncle Toby, mildlyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФThen I would begin, anвАЩ please your honour, with making a good thundering attack upon her, in returnвБ†вАФand telling her civilly afterwardsвБ†вАФfor if she knows anything of your honourвАЩs being in love, before handвБ†вЄЇвБ†LвБ†вЄЇвБ†d help her!вБ†вАФshe knows no more at present of it, Trim, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФthan the child unbornвБ†вЄї + 

Precious souls!вБ†вЄї + 

Mrs.¬†Wadman had told it, with all its circumstances, to Mrs.¬†Bridget twenty-four hours before; and was at that very moment sitting in council with her, touching some slight misgivings with regard to the issue of the affairs, which the Devil, who never lies dead in a ditch, had put into her headвБ†вАФbefore he would allow half time, to get quietly through her Te Deum. + 

I am terribly afraid, said widow Wadman, in case I should marry him, BridgetвБ†вАФthat the poor captain will not enjoy his health, with the monstrous wound upon his groinвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

It may not, Madam, be so very large, replied Bridget, as you thinkвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I believe, besides, added sheвБ†вАФthat вАЩtis dried upвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I could like to knowвБ†вАФmerely for his sake, said Mrs.¬†WadmanвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФWeвАЩll know the long and the broad of it, in ten daysвБ†вАФanswered Mrs.¬†Bridget, for whilst the captain is paying his addresses to youвБ†вАФIвАЩm confident Mr.¬†Trim will be for making love to meвБ†вАФand IвАЩll let him as much as he willвБ†вАФadded BridgetвБ†вАФto get it all out of himвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The measures were taken at onceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and my uncle Toby and the corporal went on with theirs. + 

Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left hand akimbo, and giving such a flourish with his right, as just promised successвБ†вАФand no moreвБ†вЄЇвБ†if your honour will give me leave to lay down the plan of this attackвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou wilt please me by it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, exceedinglyвБ†вАФand as I foresee thou must act in it as my aid de camp, hereвАЩs a crown, corporal, to begin with, to steep thy commission. + 

Then, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal (making a bow first for his commission)вБ†вАФwe will begin with getting your honourвАЩs laced clothes out of the great campaign-trunk, to be well airвАЩd, and have the blue and gold taken up at the sleevesвБ†вАФand IвАЩll put your white ramallie-wig fresh into pipesвБ†вАФand send for a tailor, to have your honourвАЩs thin scarlet breeches turnвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФI had better take the red plush ones, quoth my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†They will be too clumsyвБ†вАФsaid the corporal. + 

XXIX + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my swordвБ†вЄЇвАЩTwill be only in your honourвАЩs way, replied Trim. + 

XXX + 

вЄЇвБ†But your honourвАЩs two razors shall be new setвБ†вАФand I will get my Montero-cap furbishвАЩd up, and put on poor lieutenant Le FeverвАЩs regimental coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sakeвБ†вАФand as soon as your honour is clean shavedвБ†вАФand has got your clean shirt on, with your blue and gold, or your fine scarletвБ†вЄЇвБ†sometimes one and sometimes tвАЩotherвБ†вАФand everything is ready for the attackвБ†вАФweвАЩll march up boldly, as if вАЩtwas to the face of a bastion; and whilst your honour engages Mrs.¬†Wadman in the parlour, to the rightвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll attack Mrs.¬†Bridget in the kitchen, to the left; and having seizвАЩd the pass, IвАЩll answer for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers over his headвБ†вАФthat the day is our own. + 

I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФbut I declare, corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trenchвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФA woman is quite a different thingвБ†вАФsaid the corporal. + 

вАФI suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby. + 

XXXI + 

If anything in this world, which my father said, could have provoked my uncle Toby, during the time he was in love, it was the perverse use my father was always making of an expression of Hilarion the hermit; who, in speaking of his abstinence, his watchings, flagellations, and other instrumental parts of his religionвБ†вАФwould sayвБ†вАФthough with more facetiousness than became an hermitвБ†вАФвАЬThat they were the means he used, to make his ass (meaning his body) leave off kicking.вАЭ + 

It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of expressingвБ†вЄЇвБ†but of libelling, at the same time, the desires and appetites of the lower part of us; so that for many years of my fatherвАЩs life, вАЩtwas his constant mode of expressionвБ†вАФhe never used the word passions onceвБ†вАФbut ass always instead of themвБ†вЄЇвБ†So that he might be said truly, to have been upon the bones, or the back of his own ass, or else of some other manвАЩs, during all that time. + 

I must here observe to you the difference betwixt + 

My fatherвАЩs ass + 

and my hobbyhorseвБ†вАФin order to keep characters as separate as may be, in our fancies as we go along. + 

For my hobbyhorse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about himвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis the sporting little filly-folly which carries you out for the present hourвБ†вАФa maggot, a butterfly, a picture, a fiddlestickвБ†вАФan uncle TobyвАЩs siegeвБ†вАФor an anything, which a man makes a shift to get astride on, to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of lifeвБ†вАФвАЩTis as useful a beast as is in the whole creationвБ†вАФnor do I really see how the world would do without itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†But for my fatherвАЩs assвБ†вЄїoh! mount himвБ†вАФmount himвБ†вАФmount himвБ†вАФ(thatвАЩs three times, is it not?)вБ†вАФmount him not:вБ†вАФвАЩtis a beast concupiscentвБ†вАФand foul befall the man, who does not hinder him from kicking. + 

XXXII + 

Well! dear brother Toby, said my father, upon his first seeing him after he fell in loveвБ†вАФand how goes it with your Asse? + 

Now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blister, than of HilarionвАЩs metaphorвБ†вАФand our preconceptions having (you know) as great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things, he had imagined, that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words, had enquired after the part by its proper name; so notwithstanding my mother, doctor Slop, and Mr.¬†Yorick, were sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had made use of than not. When a man is hemmвАЩd in by two indecorums, and must commit one of вАЩemвБ†вАФI always observeвБ†вАФlet him choose which he will, the world will blame himвБ†вАФso I should not be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby. + 

My AвБ†вЄЇвБ†e, quoth my uncle Toby, is much betterвБ†вАФbrother ShandyвБ†вАФMy father had formed great expectations from his Asse in this onset; and would have brought him on again; but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laughвБ†вАФand my mother crying out LвБ†вЄЇ bless us!вБ†вАФit drove my fatherвАЩs Asse off the fieldвБ†вАФand the laugh then becoming generalвБ†вАФthere was no bringing him back to the charge, for some timeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And so the discourse went on without him. + 

Everybody, said my mother, says you are in love, brother Toby,вБ†вАФand we hope it is true. + 

I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle Toby, as any man usually isвБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph! said my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†and when did you know it? quoth my motherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†When the blister broke; replied my uncle Toby. + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs reply put my father into good temperвБ†вАФso he chargвАЩd oвАЩ foot. + 

XXXIII + 

As the ancients agree, brother Toby, said my father, that there are two different and distinct kinds of love, according to the different parts which are affected by itвБ†вАФthe Brain or LiverвБ†вЄЇвБ†I think when a man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into. + 

What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied my uncle Toby, which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a few children? + 

вЄЇвБ†A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking full in my motherвАЩs face, as he forced his way betwixt hers and doctor SlopвАЩsвБ†вАФa few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle TobyвАЩs words as he walkвАЩd to and froвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Not, my dear brother Toby, cried my father, recovering himself all at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle TobyвАЩs chairвБ†вАФnot that I should be sorry hadst thou a scoreвБ†вАФon the contrary, I should rejoiceвБ†вАФand be as kind, Toby, to every one of them as a fatherвБ†вАФ + 

My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my fatherвАЩs a squeezeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle TobyвАЩs handвБ†вАФso much dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the milk of human nature, and so little of its asperitiesвБ†вАФвАЩtis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new projectвБ†вАФI would oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strengthвБ†вАФor dry up thy radical moisture too fastвБ†вАФor weaken thy memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to doвБ†вАФelse, dear Toby, I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my empire, and I would oblige thee, nolens, volens, to beget for me one subject every monthвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

As my father pronounced the last word of the sentenceвБ†вАФmy mother took a pinch of snuff. + 

Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, get a child, nolens, volens, that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon earthвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†And вАЩtwould be cruel in me, brother Toby, to compel thee; said my fatherвБ†вАФbut вАЩtis a case put to show thee, that it is not thy begetting a childвБ†вАФin case thou shouldвАЩst be ableвБ†вАФbut the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right inвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal of reason and plain sense in captain ShandyвАЩs opinion of love; and вАЩtis amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract so muchвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had read Plato; for there you would have learnt that there are two LovesвБ†вАФI know there were two Religions, replied Yorick, amongst the ancientsвБ†вЄЇвБ†oneвБ†вАФfor the vulgar, and another for the learned;вБ†вАФbut I think one Love might have served both of them very wellвБ†вАФ + 

It could not; replied my fatherвБ†вАФand for the same reasons: for of these Loves, according to FicinusвАЩs comment upon Velasius, the one is rationalвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†the other is naturalвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

the first ancientвБ†вЄЇвБ†without motherвБ†вЄЇвБ†where Venus had nothing to do: the second, begotten of Jupiter and DioneвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, what has a man who believes in God to do with this? My father could not stop to answer, for fear of breaking the thread of his discourseвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of Venus. + 

The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to love heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of philosophy and truthвБ†вЄЇвБ†the second, excites to desire, simplyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world, said Yorick, as the finding out of the longitudeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†To be sure, said my mother, love keeps peace in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†In the houseвБ†вАФmy dear, I ownвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†It replenishes the earth; said my motherвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But it keeps heaven emptyвБ†вАФmy dear; replied my father. + 

вЄЇвАЩTis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphantly, which fills paradise. + 

Well pushвАЩd, nun! quoth my father. + 

XXXIV + 

My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with him, in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving everyone a stroke to remember him by in his turnвБ†вАФthat if there were twenty people in companyвБ†вАФin less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of вАЩem against him. + 

What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally, was, that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he would be sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he was once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that вАЩtwould have been a concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him driven out. + 

Yorick, for this reason, though he would often attack himвБ†вАФyet could never bear to do it with all his force. + 

Doctor SlopвАЩs Virginity, in the close of the last chapter, had got him for once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in Christendom about SlopвАЩs ears, when corporal Trim came into the parlour to inform my uncle Toby, that his thin scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs.¬†Wadman, would not do; for that the tailor, in ripping them up, in order to turn them, had found they had been turnвАЩd beforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then turn them again, brother, said my father, rapidly, for there will be many a turning of вАЩem yet before allвАЩs done in the affairвБ†вЄЇвБ†They are as rotten as dirt, said the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then by all means, said my father, bespeak a new pair, brotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†for though I know, continued my father, turning himself to the company, that widow Wadman has been deeply in love with my brother Toby for many years, and has used every art and circumvention of woman to outwit him into the same passion, yet now that she has caught himвБ†вЄЇвБ†her fever will be passвАЩd its heightвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†She has gainвАЩd her point. + 

In this case, continued my father, which Plato, I am persuaded, never thought ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†Love, you see, is not so much a Sentiment as a Situation, into which a man enters, as my brother Toby would do, into a corpsвБ†вЄЇвБ†no matter whether he loves the service or noвБ†вЄЇвБ†being once in itвБ†вАФhe acts as if he did; and takes every step to show himself a man of prowesse. + 

The hypothesis, like the rest of my fatherвАЩs, was plausible enough, and my uncle Toby had but a single word to object to itвБ†вАФin which Trim stood ready to second himвБ†вЄЇвБ†but my father had not drawn his conclusionвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over again)вБ†вАФnotwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs.¬†Wadman affects my brother TobyвБ†вАФand my brother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs.¬†Wadman, and no obstacle in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night, yet will I answer for it, that this selfsame tune will not be playвАЩd this twelvemonth. + 

We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle Toby, looking up interrogatively in TrimвАЩs face. + 

I would lay my Montero-cap, said TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†Now TrimвАЩs Montero-cap, as I once told you, was his constant wager; and having furbishвАЩd it up that very night, in order to go upon the attackвБ†вАФit made the odds look more considerableвБ†вЄЇвБ†I would lay, anвАЩ please your honour, my Montero-cap to a shillingвБ†вАФwas it proper, continued Trim (making a bow), to offer a wager before your honoursвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†There is nothing improper in it, said my fatherвБ†вАФвАЩtis a mode of expression; for in saying thou wouldвАЩst lay thy Montero-cap to a shillingвБ†вАФall thou meanest is thisвБ†вАФthat thou believestвБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†Now, What doвАЩst thou believe? + 

That widow Wadman, anвАЩ please your worship, cannot hold it out ten daysвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of woman, friend? + 

By falling in love with a popish clergywoman; said Trim. + 

вАЩTwas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby. + 

Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and my father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and Beguines, a set of silly, fusty, baggagesвБ†вЄЇвБ†Slop could not stand itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his breechesвБ†вАФand Yorick about his fourth general divisionвБ†вАФin order for their several attacks next dayвБ†вАФthe company broke up: and my father being left alone, and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bedtime; he called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions: + 

My dear brother Toby, + 

What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of lovemaking to them; and perhaps it is as well for theeвБ†вАФthough not so well for meвБ†вАФthat thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and that I am able to write it to thee. + 

Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lotsвБ†вАФand thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou shouldвАЩst have dippвАЩd the pen this moment into the ink, instead of myself; but that not being the caseвБ†вЄївЄїMrs.¬†Shandy being now close beside me, preparing for bedвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have thrown together without order, and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intending, in this, to give thee a token of my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of the manner in which it will be accepted. + 

In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the affairвБ†вЄЇвБ†though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou neglectestвБ†вАФyet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance of thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprise, whether it be in the morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one. + 

Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, throвАЩ absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by TimeвБ†вЄЇвБ†how much by Trim. + 

вАФвАЩTwere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy. + 

Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬThat women are timid:вАЭ And вАЩtis well they areвБ†вЄЇвБ†else there would be no dealing with them. + 

Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors. + 

вЄЇвБ†A just medium prevents all conclusions. + 

Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft tone of voice. Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if thou canst help it, never throw down the tongs and poker. + 

Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her, and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep from her all books and writings which tend thereto: there are some devotional tracts, which if thou canst entice her to read overвБ†вАФit will be well: but suffer her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don QuixoteвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as lust. + 

Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour. + 

And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hersвБ†вАФbeware of taking itвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper of thine. Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy Asse continues still kicking, which there is great reason to supposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means. + 

Avicenna, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purgesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I believe rightly. But thou must eat little or no goatвАЩs flesh, nor red deerвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor even foalвАЩs flesh by any means; and carefully abstainвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hensвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

As for thy drinkвБ†вАФI need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of Vervain and the herb Hanea, of which √Жlian relates such effectsвБ†вАФbut if thy stomach palls with itвБ†вАФdiscontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of them. + 

There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at presentвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Unless the breaking out of a fresh warвБ†вЄЇвБ†So wishing everything, dear Toby, for the best, + 

I rest thy affectionate brother, + 

XXXV + 

Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle Toby and the corporal were busy in preparing everything for the attack. As the turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside (at least for the present), there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning; so accordingly it was resolved upon, for eleven oвАЩclock. + 

Come, my dear, said my father to my motherвБ†вАФвАЩtwill be but like a brother and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother TobyвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†to countenance him in this attack of his. + 

My uncle Toby and the corporal had been accoutred both some time, when my father and mother enterвАЩd, and the clock striking eleven, were that moment in motion to sally forthвБ†вАФbut the account of this is worth more than to be wove into the fag end of the eighth volume of such a work as this.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father had no time but to put the letter of instructions into my uncle TobyвАЩs coat-pocketвБ†вЄЇвБ†and join with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous. + 

I could like, said my mother, to look through the keyhole out of curiosityвБ†вЄЇвБ†Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my fatherвБ†вАФ + 

And look through the keyhole as long as you will. + 