XII + 

Now donвАЩt let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to swear them,вБ†вЄЇвБ†imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too. + 

IвАЩll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:вБ†вЄЇвБ†though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing,вБ†вЄЇвБ†as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, etc., etc., the whole set of вАЩem are so hung round and befetishвАЩd with the bobs and trinkets of criticism,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or to drop my metaphor, which by the by is a pity,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for I have fetchвАЩd it as far as from the coast of Guiney;вБ†вАФtheir heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be prickвАЩd and tortured to death by вАЩem. + 

вАФAnd how did Garrick speak the soliloquy last night?вБ†вАФOh, against all rule, my lord,вБ†вАФmost ungrammatically! betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together in number, case, and gender, he made a breach thus,вБ†вАФstopping, as if the point wanted settling;вБ†вАФand betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and three-fifths by a stopwatch, my lord, each time,вБ†вАФAdmirable grammarian!вБ†вЄЇвБ†But in suspending his voiceвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?вБ†вЄїI lookвАЩd only at the stopwatch, my lord.вБ†вАФExcellent observer! + 

And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Oh! вАЩtis out of all plumb, my lord,вБ†вЄЇвБ†quite an irregular thing!вБ†вАФnot one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle.вБ†вАФI had my rule and compasses, etc., my lord, in my pocket.вБ†вАФExcellent critick! + 

вЄЇвБ†And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look atвБ†вЄЇвБ†upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of BossuвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions.вБ†вАФAdmirable connoisseur! + 

вЄЇвБ†And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back?вБ†вАФвАЩTis a melancholy daub! my lord; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and what a price!вБ†вЄЇвБ†for there is nothing of the colouring of TitianвБ†вАФthe expression of RubensвБ†вАФthe grace of RaphaelвБ†вАФthe purity of DominichinoвБ†вАФthe corregiescity of CorregioвБ†вАФthe learning of PoussinвБ†вАФthe airs of GuidoвБ†вАФthe taste of the CarrachisвБ†вАФor the grand contour of Angela.вБ†вАФGrant me patience, just Heaven!вБ†вАФOf all the cants which are canted in this canting worldвБ†вАФthough the cant of hypocrites may be the worstвБ†вЄЇвБ†the cant of criticism is the most tormenting! + 

I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his authorвАЩs handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†be pleased he knows not why, and cares not wherefore. + 

Great Apollo! if thou art in a giving humourвБ†вАФgive meвБ†вАФI ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire along with itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and send Mercury, with the rules and compasses, if he can be spared, with my compliments toвБ†вАФno matter. + 

Now to anyone else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last past as originalsвБ†вЄЇвБ†except St.¬†PaulвАЩs thumbвБ†вЄЇвБ†GodвАЩs flesh and GodвАЩs fish, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kingsвАЩ oaths, вАЩtis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh;вБ†вАФelse I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!вБ†вАФIt is thought to be no bad oathвБ†вЄЇвБ†and by itself passes very wellвБ†вАФвАЬGвБ†вЄЇвБ†d damn you.вАЭвБ†вАФSet it beside ErnulphusвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвАЬGod Almighty the Father damn youвБ†вАФGod the Son damn youвБ†вАФGod the Holy Ghost damn youвАЭвБ†вАФyou see вАЩtis nothing.вБ†вАФThere is an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his inventionвБ†вАФpossessвАЩd more of the excellencies of a swearerвБ†вЄЇвБ†had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulations,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that when Ernulphus cursedвБ†вАФno part escaped him.вБ†вАФвАЩTis true there is something of a hardness in his mannerвБ†вЄЇвБ†and, as in Michelangelo, a want of graceвБ†вЄЇвБ†but then there is such a greatness of gusto! + 

My father, who generally lookвАЩd upon everything in a light very different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an original.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He considered rather, ErnulphusвАЩs anathema, as an institute of swearing, in which, as he suspected, upon the decline of swearing in some milder pontificate, Ernulphus, by order of the succeeding pope, had with great learning and diligence collected together all the laws of it;вБ†вАФfor the same reason that Justinian, in the decline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor Tribonian to collect the Roman or civil laws all together into one code or digestвБ†вЄЇвБ†lest, through the rust of timeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the fatality of all things committed to oral traditionвБ†вАФthey should be lost to the world forever. + 

For this reason my father would ofttimes affirm, there was not an oath, from the great and tremendous oath of William the Conqueror (By the splendour of God) down to the lowest oath of a scavenger (Damn your eyes) which was not to be found in Ernulphus.вБ†вАФIn short, he would addвБ†вАФI defy a man to swear out of it. + 

The hypothesis is, like most of my fatherвАЩs, singular and ingenious too;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns my own. + 