XIX + 

It was a thousand pitiesвБ†вЄЇвБ†though I believe, anвАЩ please your honour, I am going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldierвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

A soldier, cried my uncle Toby, interrupting the corporal, is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing, Trim, than a man of lettersвБ†вЄЇвБ†But not so often, anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby gave a nod. + 

It was a thousand pities then, said the corporal, casting his eye upon Dunkirk, and the mole, as Servius Sulpicius, in returning out of Asia (when he sailed from √Жgina towards Megara), did upon Corinth and PyreusвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФвАЬIt was a thousand pities, anвАЩ please your honour, to destroy these worksвБ†вЄЇвБ†and a thousand pities to have let them stood.вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou art right, Trim, in both cases; said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This, continued the corporal, is the reason, that from the beginning of their demolition to the endвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have never once whistled, or sung, or laughвАЩd, or cryвАЩd, or talkвАЩd of past done deeds, or told your honour one story good or badвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou hast many excellencies, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and I hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest to be a storyteller, that of the number thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave onesвБ†вАФthou hast seldom told me a bad oneвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Because, anвАЩ please your honour, except one of a King of Bohemia and his seven castles,вБ†вАФthey are all true; for they are about myselfвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I do not like the subject the worse, Trim, said my uncle Toby, on that score: But prithee what is this story? thou hast excited my curiosity. + 

IвАЩll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal, directlyвБ†вАФProvided, said my uncle Toby, looking earnestly towards Dunkirk and the mole againвБ†вЄЇвБ†provided it is not a merry one; to such, Trim, a man should ever bring one half of the entertainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at present would wrong both thee, Trim, and thy storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is not a merry one by any means, replied the corporalвБ†вАФNor would I have it altogether a grave one, added my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is neither the one nor the other, replied the corporal, but will suit your honour exactlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then IвАЩll thank thee for it with all my heart, cried my uncle Toby; so prithee begin it, Trim. + 

The corporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a matter as the world imagines, to pull off a lank Montero-cap with graceвБ†вЄЇвБ†or a whit less difficult, in my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat upon the ground, to make a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont; yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, which was towards his master, to slip backwards upon the grass, a little beyond his body, in order to allow it the greater sweepвБ†вЄЇвБ†and by an unforced compression, at the same time, of his cap with the thumb and the two forefingers of his left, by which the diameter of the cap became reduced, so that it might be said, rather to be insensibly squeezвАЩdвБ†вАФthan pullвАЩd off with a flatusвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better manner than the posture of his affairs promised; and having hemmed twice, to find in what key his story would best go, and best suit his masterвАЩs humour,вБ†вАФhe exchanged a single look of kindness with him, and set off thus. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles + 

There was a certain king of Bo - - heвБ†вЄї + 

As the corporal was entering the confines of Bohemia, my uncle Toby obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had set out bareheaded, having, since he pullвАЩd off his Montero-cap in the latter end of the last chapter, left it lying beside him on the ground. + 

вЄЇвБ†The eye of Goodness espieth all thingsвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that before the corporal had well got through the first five words of his story, had my uncle Toby twice touchвАЩd his Montero-cap with the end of his cane, interrogativelyвБ†вЄЇвБ†as much as to say, Why donвАЩt you put it on, Trim? Trim took it up with the most respectful slowness, and casting a glance of humiliation as he did it, upon the embroidery of the forepart, which being dismally tarnishвАЩd and frayвАЩd moreover in some of the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern, he layвАЩd it down again between his two feet, in order to moralise upon the subject. + 

вЄЇвАЩTis every word of it but too true, cried my uncle Toby, that thou art about to observeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬNothing in this world, Trim, is made to last forever.вАЭ + 

вЄЇвБ†But when tokens, dear Tom, of thy love and remembrance wear out, said Trim, what shall we say? + 

There is no occasion, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, to say anything else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till DoomвАЩs day, I believe, Trim, it would be impossible. + 

The corporal, perceiving my uncle Toby was in the right, and that it would be in vain for the wit of man to think of extracting a purer moral from his cap, without further attempting it, he put it on; and passing his hand across his forehead to rub out a pensive wrinkle, which the text and the doctrine between them had engenderвАЩd, he returnвАЩd, with the same look and tone of voice, to his story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

There was a certain king of Bohemia, but in whose reign, except his own, I am not able to inform your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I do not desire it of thee, Trim, by any means, cried my uncle Toby. + 

вЄЇвБ†It was a little before the time, anвАЩ please your honour, when giants were beginning to leave off breeding:вБ†вАФbut in what year of our Lord that wasвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I would not give a halfpenny to know, said my uncle Toby. + 

вЄЇвБ†Only, anвАЩ please your honour, it makes a story look the better in the faceвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвАЩTis thy own, Trim, so ornament it after thy own fashion; and take any date, continued my uncle Toby, looking pleasantly upon himвБ†вАФtake any date in the whole world thou choosest, and put it toвБ†вАФthou art heartily welcomeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The corporal bowed; for of every century, and of every year of that century, from the first creation of the world down to NoahвАЩs flood; and from NoahвАЩs flood to the birth of Abraham; through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs, to the departure of the Israelites out of EgyptвБ†вЄЇвБ†and throughout all the Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and other memorable epochas of the different nations of the world, down to the coming of Christ, and from thence to the very moment in which the corporal was telling his storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†had my uncle Toby subjected this vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet; but as modesty scarce touches with a finger what liberality offers her with both hands openвБ†вАФthe corporal contented himself with the very worst year of the whole bunch; which, to prevent your honours of the Majority and Minority from tearing the very flesh off your bones in contestation, вАЬWhether that year is not always the last cast-year of the last cast-almanacвАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†I tell you plainly it was; but from a different reason than you wot ofвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†It was the year next himвБ†вЄЇвБ†which being, the year of our Lord seventeen hundred and twelve, when the Duke of Ormond was playing the devil in FlandersвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal took it, and set out with it afresh on his expedition to Bohemia. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

In the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelve, there was, anвАЩ please your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†To tell thee truly, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, any other date would have pleased me much better, not only on account of the sad stain upon our history that year, in marching off our troops, and refusing to cover the siege of Quesnoi, though Fagel was carrying on the works with such incredible vigourвБ†вАФbut likewise on the score, Trim, of thy own story; because if there areвБ†вАФand which, from what thou hast dropt, I partly suspect to be the factвБ†вАФif there are giants in itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

There is but one, anвАЩ please your honourвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвАЩTis as bad as twenty, replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou shouldвАЩst have carried him back some seven or eight hundred years out of harmвАЩs way, both of critics and other people: and therefore I would advise thee, if ever thou tellest it againвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†If I live, anвАЩ please your honour, but once to get through it, I will never tell it again, quoth Trim, either to man, woman, or childвБ†вЄЇвБ†PooвБ†вАФpoo! said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФbut with accents of such sweet encouragement did he utter it, that the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity than ever. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

There was, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal, raising his voice and rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily together as he begun, a certain king of BohemiaвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Leave out the date entirely, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaning forwards, and laying his hand gently upon the corporalвАЩs shoulder to temper the interruptionвБ†вАФleave it out entirely, Trim; a story passes very well without these niceties, unless one is pretty sure of вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†Sure of вАЩem! said the corporal, shaking his headвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Right; answered my uncle Toby, it is not easy, Trim, for one, bred up as thou and I have been to arms, who seldom looks further forward than to the end of his musket, or backwards beyond his knapsack, to know much about this matterвБ†вЄЇвБ†God bless your honour! said the corporal, won by the manner of my uncle TobyвАЩs reasoning, as much as by the reasoning itself, he has something else to do; if not on action, or a march, or upon duty in his garrisonвБ†вАФhe has his firelock, anвАЩ please your honour, to furbishвБ†вАФhis accoutrements to take care ofвБ†вАФhis regimentals to mendвБ†вАФhimself to shave and keep clean, so as to appear always like what he is upon the parade; what business, added the corporal triumphantly, has a soldier, anвАЩ please your honour, to know anything at all of geography? + 

вЄЇвБ†Thou wouldвАЩst have said chronology, Trim, said my uncle Toby; for as for geography, вАЩtis of absolute use to him; he must be acquainted intimately with every country and its boundaries where his profession carries him; he should know every town and city, and village and hamlet, with the canals, the roads, and hollow ways which lead up to them; there is not a river or a rivulet he passes, Trim, but he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is its nameвБ†вАФin what mountains it takes its riseвБ†вАФwhat is its courseвБ†вАФhow far it is navigableвБ†вАФwhere fordableвБ†вАФwhere not; he should know the fertility of every valley, as well as the hind who ploughs it; and be able to describe, or, if it is required, to give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles, the forts, the acclivities, the woods and morasses, throвАЩ and by which his army is to march; he should know their produce, their plants, their minerals, their waters, their animals, their seasons, their climates, their heats and cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their language, their policy, and even their religion. + 

Is it else to be conceived, corporal, continued my uncle Toby, rising up in his sentry-box, as he began to warm in this part of his discourseвБ†вАФhow Marlborough could have marched his army from the banks of the Maes to Belburg; from Belburg to KerpenordвБ†вАФ(here the corporal could sit no longer) from Kerpenord, Trim, to Kalsaken; from Kalsaken to Newdorf; from Newdorf to Landenbourg; from Landenbourg to Mildenheim; from Mildenheim to Elchingen; from Elchingen to Gingen; from Gingen to Balmerchoffen; from Balmerchoffen to Skellenburg, where he broke in upon the enemyвАЩs works; forced his passage over the Danube; crossвАЩd the LechвБ†вАФpushвАЩd on his troops into the heart of the empire, marching at the head of them through Fribourg, Hokenwert, and Schonevelt, to the plains of Blenheim and Hochstet?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Great as he was, corporal, he could not have advanced a step, or made one single dayвАЩs march without the aids of Geography.вБ†вЄЇвБ†As for Chronology, I own, Trim, continued my uncle Toby, sitting down again coolly in his sentry-box, that of all others, it seems a science which the soldier might best spare, was it not for the lights which that science must one day give him, in determining the invention of powder; the furious execution of which, renversing everything like thunder before it, has become a new √¶ra to us of military improvements, changing so totally the nature of attacks and defences both by sea and land, and awakening so much art and skill in doing it, that the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precise time of its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing what great man was the discoverer, and what occasions gave birth to it. + 

I am far from controverting, continued my uncle Toby, what historians agree in, that in the year of our Lord 1380, under the reign of Wencelaus, son of Charles the FourthвБ†вЄЇвБ†a certain priest, whose name was Schwartz, showвАЩd the use of powder to the Venetians, in their wars against the Genoese; but вАЩtis certain he was not the first; because if we are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop of LeonвБ†вАФHow came priests and bishops, anвАЩ please your honour, to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder? God knows, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†his providence brings good out of everythingвБ†вАФand he avers, in his chronicle of King Alphonsus, who reduced Toledo, That in the year 1343, which was full thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder was well known, and employed with success, both by Moors and Christians, not only in their sea-combats, at that period, but in many of their most memorable sieges in Spain and BarbaryвБ†вАФAnd all the world knows, that Friar Bacon had wrote expressly about it, and had generously given the world a receipt to make it by, above a hundred and fifty years before even Schwartz was bornвБ†вАФAnd that the Chinese, added my uncle Toby, embarrass us, and all accounts of it, still more, by boasting of the invention some hundreds of years even before himвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФThey are a pack of liars, I believe, cried TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle Toby, in this matter, as is plain to me from the present miserable state of military architecture amongst them; which consists of nothing more than a foss√© with a brick wall without flanksвБ†вАФand for what they gave us as a bastion at each angle of it, вАЩtis so barbarously constructed, that it looks for all the worldвБ†вЄївЄїLike one of my seven castles, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth Trim. + 

My uncle Toby, though in the utmost distress for a comparison, most courteously refused TrimвАЩs offerвБ†вАФtill Trim telling him, he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which he knew not how to get off his handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby was so touchвАЩd with the pleasantry of heart of the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†that he discontinued his dissertation upon gunpowderвБ†вЄЇвБ†and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story of the King of Bohemia and his seven castles. + 

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued + 

This unfortunate King of Bohemia, said Trim,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Was he unfortunate, then? cried my uncle Toby, for he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gunpowder, and other military affairs, that though he had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the epithetвБ†вЄЇвБ†Was he unfortunate, then, Trim? said my uncle Toby, patheticallyвБ†вЄЇвБ†The corporal, wishing first the word and all its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the principal events in the King of BohemiaвАЩs story; from every one of which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to retract his epithetвБ†вЄЇвБ†and less to explain itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a systemвБ†вЄЇвБ†he looked up in my uncle TobyвАЩs face for assistanceвБ†вЄЇвБ†but seeing it was the very thing my uncle Toby sat in expectation of himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†after a hum and a haw, he went onвБ†вЄї + 

The King of Bohemia, anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal, was unfortunate, as thusвБ†вЄЇвБ†That taking great pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea affairsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of Bohemia, to be no seaport town whateverвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

How the duce should thereвБ†вАФTrim? cried my uncle Toby; for Bohemia being totally inland, it could have happenвАЩd no otherwiseвБ†вЄЇвБ†It might, said Trim, if it had pleased GodвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle Toby never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God, but with diffidence and hesitationвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I believe not, replied my uncle Toby, after some pauseвБ†вЄЇвБ†for being inland, as I said, and having Silesia and Moravia to the east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north; Franconia to the west; Bavaria to the south; Bohemia could not have been propellвАЩd to the sea without ceasing to be BohemiaвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor could the sea, on the other hand, have come up to Bohemia, without overflowing a great part of Germany, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could make no defence against itвБ†вЄЇвБ†Scandalous! cried TrimвБ†вАФWhich would bespeak, added my uncle Toby, mildly, such a want of compassion in him who is the father of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†that, I think, TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†the thing could have happenвАЩd no way. + 

The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and went on. + 

Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one fine summerвАЩs evening to walk outвБ†вЄЇвБ†Aye! there the word happening is right, Trim, cried my uncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have walkвАЩd out or let it alone:вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas a matter of contingency, which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it. + 

King William was of an opinion, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth Trim, that everything was predestined for us in this world; insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers, that вАЬevery ball had its billet.вАЭ He was a great man, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†And I believe, continued Trim, to this day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me out of his service, and place me in your honourвАЩs, where I should be taken so much better care of in my old ageвБ†вЄЇвБ†It shall never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said my uncle Toby. + 

The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to sudden overflowings;вБ†вЄЇвБ†a short silence ensued. + 

Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourseвБ†вАФbut in a gayer accentвБ†вЄЇвБ†if it had not been for that single shot, I had never, anвАЩ please your honour, been in loveвБ†вЄї + 

So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said my uncle Toby, smilingвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Souse! replied the corporalвБ†вАФover head and ears! anвАЩ please your honour. Prithee when? where?вБ†вАФand how came it to pass?вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never heard one word of it before; quoth my uncle Toby:вБ†вЄЇвБ†I dare say, answered Trim, that every drummer and serjeantвАЩs son in the regiment knew of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†ItвАЩs high time I shouldвБ†вЄЇвБ†said my uncle Toby. + 

Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal, the total rout and confusion of our camp and army at the affair of Landen; everyone was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the regiments of Wyndham, Lumley, and Galway, which covered the retreat over the bridge of Neerspeeken, the king himself could scarce have gained itвБ†вЄЇвБ†he was pressвАЩd hard, as your honour knows, on every side of himвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Gallant mortal! cried my uncle Toby, caught up with enthusiasmвБ†вАФthis moment, now that all is lost, I see him galloping across me, corporal, to the left, to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him to support the right, and tear the laurel from LuxembourgвАЩs brows, if yet вАЩtis possibleвБ†вЄЇвБ†I see him with the knot of his scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits into poor GalwayвАЩs regimentвБ†вАФriding along the lineвБ†вАФthen wheeling about, and charging Conti at the head of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†Brave! brave, by heaven! cried my uncle TobyвБ†вАФhe deserves a crownвБ†вЄЇвБ†As richly, as a thief a halter; shouted Trim. + 

My uncle Toby knew the corporalвАЩs loyalty;вБ†вАФotherwise the comparison was not at all to his mindвБ†вЄЇвБ†it did not altogether strike the corporalвАЩs fancy when he had made itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but it could not be recallвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†so he had nothing to do, but proceed. + 

As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think of anything but his own safetyвБ†вАФThough Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought off the foot with great prudenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†But I was left upon the field, said the corporal. Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†So that it was noon the next day, continued the corporal, before I was exchanged, and put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen more, in order to be conveyвАЩd to our hospital. + 

There is no part of the body, anвАЩ please your honour, where a wound occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the kneeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Except the groin; said my uncle Toby. AnвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the most acute, there being so many tendons and what-dвАЩye-call-вАЩems all about it. + 

It is for that reason, quoth my uncle Toby, that the groin is infinitely more sensibleвБ†вЄЇвБ†there being not only as many tendons and what-dвАЩye-call-вАЩems (for I know their names as little as thou dost)вБ†вЄЇвБ†about itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but moreover *¬†*¬†*вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Mrs.¬†Wadman, who had been all the time in her arbourвБ†вАФinstantly stoppвАЩd her breathвБ†вАФunpinnвАЩd her mob at the chin, and stood up upon one legвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncle Toby and Trim for some time; till Trim at length recollecting that he had often cried at his masterвАЩs sufferings, but never shed a tear at his ownвБ†вАФwas for giving up the point, which my uncle Toby would not allowвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a proof of nothing, Trim, said he, but the generosity of thy temperвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin (caeteris paribus) is greater than the pain of a wound in the kneeвБ†вЄЇвБ†or + 

Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of a wound in the groinвБ†вЄЇвБ†are points which to this day remain unsettled. + 