The AuthorвАЩs Preface
No, IвАЩll not say a word about itвБ†вЄЇвБ†here it is;вБ†вАФin publishing itвБ†вАФI have appealed to the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†and to the world I leave it;вБ†вАФit must speak for itself.
All I know of the matter isвБ†вАФwhen I sat down, my intent was to write a good book; and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold outвБ†вАФa wise, aye, and a discreetвБ†вАФtaking care only, as I went along, to put into it all the wit and the judgment (be it more or less) which the great Author and Bestower of them had thought fit originally to give meвБ†вЄїso that, as your worships seeвБ†вАФвАЩtis just as God pleases.
Now, Agelastes (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth, That there may be some wit in it, for aught he knowsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but no judgment at all. And Triptolemus and Phutatorius agreeing thereto, ask, How is it possible there should? for that wit and judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch as they are two operations differing from each other as wide as east from westвБ†вЄїSo, says LockeвБ†вЄЇвБ†so are farting and hickuping, say I. But in answer to this, Didius the great church lawyer, in his code de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis, doth maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no argumentвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be a syllogism;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but you all, may it please your worships, see the better for itвБ†вЄїso that the main good these things do is only to clarify the understanding, previous to the application of the argument itself, in order to free it from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which, if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and spoil all.
Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able criticks, and fellow-labourers (for to you I write this Preface)вБ†вЄїand to you, most subtle statesmen and discreet doctors (doвБ†вАФpull off your beards) renowned for gravity and wisdom;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Monopolus, my politicianвБ†вАФDidius, my counsel; Kysarcius, my friend;вБ†вАФPhutatorius, my guide;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Gastripheres, the preserver of my life; Somnolentius, the balm and repose of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†not forgetting all others, as well sleeping as waking, ecclesiastical as civil, whom for brevity, but out of no resentment to you, I lump all together.вБ†вЄїBelieve me, right worthy,
My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf, and in my own too, in case the thing is not done already for usвБ†вЄЇвБ†is, that the great gifts and endowments both of wit and judgment, with everything which usually goes along with themвБ†вЄїsuch as memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick parts, and whatnot, may this precious moment, without stint or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm as each of us could bear itвБ†вАФscum and sediment and all (for I would not have a drop lost) into the several receptacles, cells, cellules, domiciles, dormitories, refectories, and spare places of our brainsвБ†вЄїin such sort, that they might continue to be injected and tunnвАЩd into, according to the true intent and meaning of my wish, until every vessel of them, both great and small, be so replenishвАЩd, saturated, and filled up therewith, that no more, would it save a manвАЩs life, could possibly be got either in or out.
Bless us!вБ†вАФwhat noble work we should make!вБ†вЄЇвБ†how should I tickle it off!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and what spirits should I find myself in, to be writing away for such readers!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and youвБ†вАФjust heaven!вБ†вЄЇвБ†with what raptures would you sit and readвБ†вАФbut oh!вБ†вАФвАЩtis too muchвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am sickвБ†вЄЇвБ†I faint away deliciously at the thoughts of itвБ†вАФвАЩtis more than nature can bear!вБ†вАФlay hold of meвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am giddyвБ†вАФI am stone blindвБ†вАФIвАЩm dyingвБ†вАФI am gone.вБ†вАФHelp! Help! Help!вБ†вАФBut holdвБ†вАФI grow something better again, for I am beginning to foresee, when this is over, that as we shall all of us continue to be great witsвБ†вАФwe should never agree amongst ourselves, one day to an end:вБ†вЄЇвБ†there would be so much satire and sarcasmвБ†вЄЇвБ†scoffing and flouting, with raillying and reparteeing of itвБ†вАФthrusting and parrying in one corner or anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†there would be nothing but mischief among usвБ†вЄЇвБ†Chaste stars! what biting and scratching, and what a racket and a clatter we should make, what with breaking of heads, rapping of knuckles, and hitting of sore placesвБ†вАФthere would be no such thing as living for us.
But then again, as we should all of us be men of great judgment, we should make up matters as fast as ever they went wrong; and though we should abominate each other ten times worse than so many devils or devilesses, we should nevertheless, my dear creatures, be all courtesy and kindness, milk and honeyвБ†вАФвАЩtwould be a second land of promiseвБ†вАФa paradise upon earth, if there was such a thing to be hadвБ†вАФso that upon the whole we should have done well enough.
All I fret and fume at, and what most distresses my invention at present, is how to bring the point itself to bear; for as your worships well know, that of these heavenly emanations of wit and judgment, which I have so bountifully wished both for your worships and myselfвБ†вАФthere is but a certain quantum stored up for us all, for the use and behoof of the whole race of mankind; and such small modicums of вАЩem are only sent forth into this wide world, circulating here and there in one bye corner or anotherвБ†вАФand in such narrow streams, and at such prodigious intervals from each other, that one would wonder how it holds out, or could be sufficient for the wants and emergencies of so many great estates, and populous empires.
Indeed there is one thing to be considered, that in Nova Zembla, North Lapland, and in all those cold and dreary tracts of the globe, which lie more directly under the arctick and antarctick circles, where the whole province of a manвАЩs concernments lies for near nine months together within the narrow compass of his caveвБ†вАФwhere the spirits are compressed almost to nothingвБ†вАФand where the passions of a man, with everything which belongs to them, are as frigid as the zone itselfвБ†вАФthere the least quantity of judgment imaginable does the businessвБ†вАФand of witвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is a total and an absolute savingвБ†вАФfor as not one spark is wantedвБ†вАФso not one spark is given. Angels and ministers of grace defend us! what a dismal thing would it have been to have governed a kingdom, to have fought a battle, or made a treaty, or run a match, or wrote a book, or got a child, or held a provincial chapter there, with so plentiful a lack of wit and judgment about us! For mercyвАЩs sake, let us think no more about it, but travel on as fast as we can southwards into NorwayвБ†вАФcrossing over Swedeland, if you please, through the small triangular province of Angermania to the lake of Bothnia; coasting along it through east and west Bothnia, down to Carelia, and so on, through all those states and provinces which border upon the far side of the Gulf of Finland, and the northeast of the Baltick, up to Petersbourg, and just stepping into Ingria;вБ†вАФthen stretching over directly from thence through the north parts of the Russian empireвБ†вАФleaving Siberia a little upon the left hand, till we got into the very heart of Russian and Asiatick Tartary.
Now throughout this long tour which I have led you, you observe the good people are better off by far, than in the polar countries which we have just left:вБ†вАФfor if you hold your hand over your eyes, and look very attentively, you may perceive some small glimmerings (as it were) of wit, with a comfortable provision of good plain household judgment, which, taking the quality and quantity of it together, they make a very good shift withвБ†вЄїand had they more of either the one or the other, it would destroy the proper balance betwixt them, and I am satisfied moreover they would want occasions to put them to use.
Now, Sir, if I conduct you home again into this warmer and more luxuriant island, where you perceive the spring-tide of our blood and humours runs highвБ†вЄїwhere we have more ambition, and pride, and envy, and lechery, and other whoreson passions upon our hands to govern and subject to reasonвБ†вЄїthe height of our wit, and the depth of our judgment, you see, are exactly proportioned to the length and breadth of our necessitiesвБ†вЄїand accordingly we have them sent down amongst us in such a flowing kind of descent and creditable plenty, that no one thinks he has any cause to complain.
It must however be confessed on this head, that, as our air blows hot and coldвБ†вАФwet and dry, ten times in a day, we have them in no regular and settled way;вБ†вАФso that sometimes for near half a century together, there shall be very little wit or judgment either to be seen or heard of amongst us:вБ†вЄЇвБ†the small channels of them shall seem quite dried upвБ†вЄЇвБ†then all of a sudden the sluices shall break out, and take a fit of running again like furyвБ†вЄЇвБ†you would think they would never stop:вБ†вЄЇвБ†and then it is, that in writing, and fighting, and twenty other gallant things, we drive all the world before us.
It is by these observations, and a wary reasoning by analogy in that kind of argumentative process, which Suidas calls dialectick inductionвБ†вЄїthat I draw and set up this position as most true and veritable;
That of these two luminaries so much of their irradiations are suffered from time to time to shine down upon us, as he, whose infinite wisdom which dispenses everything in exact weight and measure, knows will just serve to light us on our way in this night of our obscurity; so that your reverences and worships now find out, nor is it a moment longer in my power to conceal it from you, That the fervent wish in your behalf with which I set out, was no more than the first insinuating How dвАЩye of a caressing prefacer, stifling his reader, as a lover sometimes does a coy mistress, into silence. For alas! could this effusion of light have been as easily procured, as the exordium wished itвБ†вАФI tremble to think how many thousands for it, of benighted travellers (in the learned sciences at least) must have groped and blundered on in the dark, all the nights of their livesвБ†вЄЇвБ†running their heads against posts, and knocking out their brains without ever getting to their journies end;вБ†вЄЇвБ†some falling with their noses perpendicularly into sinksвБ†вЄЇвБ†others horizontally with their tails into kennels. Here one half of a learned profession tilting full but against the other half of it, and then tumbling and rolling one over the other in the dirt like hogs.вБ†вАФHere the brethren of another profession, who should have run in opposition to each other, flying on the contrary like a flock of wild geese, all in a row the same way.вБ†вАФWhat confusion!вБ†вАФwhat mistakes!вБ†вЄЇвБ†fiddlers and painters judging by their eyes and earsвБ†вАФadmirable!вБ†вАФtrusting to the passions excitedвБ†вАФin an air sung, or a story painted to the heartвБ†вЄЇвБ†instead of measuring them by a quadrant.
In the foreground of this picture, a statesman turning the political wheel, like a brute, the wrong way roundвБ†вЄЇвБ†against the stream of corruptionвБ†вАФby Heaven!вБ†вЄЇвБ†instead of with¬†it.
In this corner, a son of the divine Esculapius, writing a book against predestination; perhaps worseвБ†вАФfeeling his patientвАЩs pulse, instead of his apothecaryвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†a brother of the Faculty in the background upon his knees in tearsвБ†вАФdrawing the curtains of a mangled victim to beg his forgiveness;вБ†вАФoffering a feeвБ†вАФinstead of taking one.
In that spacious hall, a coalition of the gown, from all the bars of it, driving a damnвАЩd, dirty, vexatious cause before them, with all their might and main, the wrong way!вБ†вЄЇвБ†kicking it out of the great doors, instead of inвБ†вЄЇвБ†and with such fury in their looks, and such a degree of inveteracy in their manner of kicking it, as if the laws had been originally made for the peace and preservation of mankind:вБ†вЄЇвБ†perhaps a more enormous mistake committed by them stillвБ†вЄїa litigated point fairly hung up;вБ†вЄїfor instance, Whether John oвАЩNokes his nose could stand in Tom oвАЩStiles his face, without a trespass, or notвБ†вАФrashly determined by them in five-and-twenty minutes, which, with the cautious pros and cons required in so intricate a proceeding, might have taken up as many monthsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if carried on upon a military plan, as your honours know an action should be, with all the stratagems practicable therein,вБ†вЄїsuch as feints,вБ†вЄЇвБ†forced marches,вБ†вЄЇвБ†surprisesвБ†вЄЇвБ†ambuscadesвБ†вЄЇвБ†mask-batteries, and a thousand other strokes of generalship, which consist in catching at all advantages on both sidesвБ†вЄїmight reasonably have lasted them as many years, finding food and raiment all that term for a centumvirate of the profession.
As for the ClergyвБ†вЄїNoвБ†вЄЇвБ†if I say a word against them, IвАЩll be shot.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I have no desire;вБ†вАФand besides, if I hadвБ†вАФI durst not for my soul touch upon the subjectвБ†вЄЇвБ†with such weak nerves and spirits, and in the condition I am in at present, вАЩtwould be as much as my life was worth, to deject and contrist myself with so bad and melancholy an accountвБ†вАФand therefore вАЩtis safer to draw a curtain across, and hasten from it, as fast as I can, to the main and principal point I have undertaken to clear upвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that is, How it comes to pass, that your men of least wit are reported to be men of most judgment.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But markвБ†вАФI say, reported to beвБ†вАФfor it is no more, my dear Sirs, than a report, and which, like twenty others taken up every day upon trust, I maintain to be a vile and a malicious report into the bargain.
This by the help of the observation already premised, and I hope already weighed and perpended by your reverences and worships, I shall forthwith make appear.
I hate set dissertationsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and above all things in the world, вАЩtis one of the silliest things in one of them, to darken your hypothesis by placing a number of tall, opake words, one before another, in a right line, betwixt your own and your readerвАЩs conceptionвБ†вАФwhen in all likelihood, if you had looked about, you might have seen something standing, or hanging up, which would have cleared the point at onceвБ†вАФвАЬfor what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, if even from a sot, a pot, a fool, a stool, a winter-mittain, a truckle for a pully, the lid of a goldsmithвАЩs crucible, an oil bottle, an old slipper, or a cane chair?вАЭвБ†вАФI am this moment sitting upon one. Will you give me leave to illustrate this affair of wit and judgment, by the two knobs on the top of the back of it?вБ†вАФthey are fastened on, you see, with two pegs stuck slightly into two gimlet-holes, and will place what I have to say in so clear a light, as to let you see through the drift and meaning of my whole preface, as plainly as if every point and particle of it was made up of sunbeams.
I enter now directly upon the point.
вАФHere stands witвБ†вАФand there stands judgment, close beside it, just like the two knobs IвАЩm speaking of, upon the back of this selfsame chair on which I am sitting.
вАФYou see, they are the highest and most ornamental parts of its frameвБ†вАФas wit and judgment are of oursвБ†вАФand like them too, indubitably both made and fitted to go together, in order, as we say in all such cases of duplicated embellishmentsвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†to answer one another.
Now for the sake of an experiment, and for the clearer illustrating this matterвБ†вАФlet us for a moment take off one of these two curious ornaments (I care not which) from the point or pinnacle of the chair it now stands onвБ†вАФnay, donвАЩt laugh at it,вБ†вАФbut did you ever see, in the whole course of your lives, such a ridiculous business as this has made of it?вБ†вАФWhy, вАЩtis as miserable a sight as a sow with one ear; and there is just as much sense and symmetry in the one as in the other:вБ†вЄЇвБ†doвБ†вЄЇвБ†pray, get off your seats only to take a view of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now would any man who valued his character a straw, have turned a piece of work out of his hand in such a condition?вБ†вАФnay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and answer this plain question, Whether this one single knob, which now stands here like a blockhead by itself, can serve any purpose upon earth, but to put one in mind of the want of the other?вБ†вАФand let me farther ask, in case the chair was your own, if you would not in your consciences think, rather than be as it is, that it would be ten times better without any knob at all?
Now these two knobsвБ†вЄїor top ornaments of the mind of man, which crown the whole entablatureвБ†вЄЇвБ†being, as I said, wit and judgment, which of all others, as I have proved it, are the most needfulвБ†вЄЇвБ†the most prizвАЩdвБ†вАФthe most calamitous to be without, and consequently the hardest to come atвБ†вАФfor all these reasons put together, there is not a mortal among us, so destitute of a love of good fame or feedingвБ†вЄЇвБ†or so ignorant of what will do him good thereinвБ†вАФwho does not wish and steadfastly resolve in his own mind, to be, or to be thought at least, master of the one or the other, and indeed of both of them, if the thing seems anyway feasible, or likely to be brought to pass.
Now your graver gentry having little or no kind of chance in aiming at the oneвБ†вАФunless they laid hold of the other,вБ†вЄЇвБ†pray what do you think would become of them?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, Sirs, in spite of all their gravities, they must eвАЩen have been contented to have gone with their insides nakedвБ†вЄЇвБ†this was not to be borne, but by an effort of philosophy not to be supposed in the case we are uponвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that no one could well have been angry with them, had they been satisfied with what little they could have snatched up and secreted under their cloaks and great perriwigs, had they not raised a hue and cry at the same time against the lawful owners.
I need not tell your worships, that this was done with so much cunning and artificeвБ†вЄЇвБ†that the great Locke, who was seldom outwitted by false soundsвБ†вЄїwas nevertheless bubbled here. The cry, it seems, was so deep and solemn a one, and what with the help of great wigs, grave faces, and other implements of deceit, was rendered so general a one against the poor wits in this matter, that the philosopher himself was deceived by itвБ†вАФit was his glory to free the world from the lumber of a thousand vulgar errors;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but this was not of the number; so that instead of sitting down coolly, as such a philosopher should have done, to have examined the matter of fact before he philosophised upon itвБ†вЄЇвБ†on the contrary he took the fact for granted, and so joined in with the cry, and hallooвАЩd it as boisterously as the rest.
This has been made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever sinceвБ†вЄЇвБ†but your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained in such a manner, that the title to it is not worth a groat:вБ†вЄЇвБ†which by the by is one of the many and vile impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer for hereafter.
As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind too freelyвБ†вЄїI beg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly said to their dispraise or prejudice, by one general declarationвБ†вЄЇвБ†That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or long beards, any farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow on purpose to carry on this selfsame impostureвБ†вАФfor any purposeвБ†вЄЇвБ†peace be with them!вБ†вАФвШЮ mark onlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I write not for them.