XXXIV
It is a singular blessing, that nature has formвАЩd the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogsвБ†вАФвАЬof not learning new tricks.вАЭ
What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever existed be whiskвАЩd into at once, did he read such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides!
Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all thisвБ†вАФHe pickвАЩd up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple.вБ†вАФIt becomes his ownвБ†вАФand if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up.
I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will contest this point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this manвАЩs right to this apple? ex confesso, he will sayвБ†вАФthings were in a state of natureвБ†вАФThe apple, as much FrankвАЩs apple as JohnвАЩs. Pray, Mr.¬†Shandy, what patent has he to show for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set his heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he chewвАЩd it? or when he roasted it? or when he peelвАЩd, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?вБ†вАФor when heвБ†вЄЇ?вБ†вЄЇвБ†For вАЩtis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not hisвБ†вАФthat no subsequent act could.
Brother Didius, Tribonius will answerвБ†вАФ(now Tribonius the civilian and church lawyerвАЩs beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than Didius his beardвБ†вАФIвАЩm glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer).вБ†вАФBrother Didius, Tribonius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and HermoginesвАЩs codes, and in all the codes from JustinianвАЩs down to the codes of Louis and Des EauxвБ†вАФThat the sweat of a manвАЩs brows, and the exsudations of a manвАЩs brains, are as much a manвАЩs own property as the breeches upon his backside;вБ†вАФwhich said exsudations, etc., being droppвАЩd upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annexвАЩd, by the picker up, to the thing pickвАЩd up, carried home, roasted, peelвАЩd, eaten, digested, and so on;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mixвАЩd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a property;вБ†вАФor, in other words, the apple is JohnвАЩs apple.
By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the better still was his title.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No mortal claimed them; they had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digesting as in the case above, so that they might well and truly be said to be of his own goods and chattles.вБ†вАФAccordingly he held fast by вАЩem, both by teeth and clawsвБ†вАФwould fly to whatever he could lay his hands onвБ†вАФand, in a word, would intrench and fortify them round with as many circumvallations and breastworks, as my uncle Toby would a citadel.
There was one plaguy rub in the way of thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†the scarcity of materials to make anything of a defence with, in case of a smart attack; inasmuch as few men of great genius had exercised their parts in writing books upon the subject of great noses: by the trotting of my lean horse, the thing is incredible! and I am quite lost in my understanding, when I am considering what a treasure of precious time and talents together has been wasted upon worse subjectsвБ†вАФand how many millions of books in all languages, and in all possible types and bindings, have been fabricated upon points not half so much tending to the unity and peacemaking of the world. What was to be had, however, he set the greater store by; and though my father would ofttimes sport with my uncle TobyвАЩs libraryвБ†вАФwhich, by the by, was ridiculous enoughвБ†вАФyet at the very same time he did it, he collected every book and treatise which had been systematically wrote upon noses, with as much care as my honest uncle Toby had done those upon military architecture.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis true, a much less table would have held themвБ†вАФbut that was not thy transgression, my dear uncle.вБ†вАФ
HereвБ†вЄЇвБ†but why hereвБ†вЄЇвБ†rather than in any other part of my storyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am not able to tell:вБ†вЄїbut here it isвБ†вЄїmy heart stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all, the tribute I owe thy goodness.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Here let me thrust my chair aside, and kneel down upon the ground, whilst I am pouring forth the warmest sentiment of love for thee, and veneration for the excellency of thy character, that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephewвАЩs bosom.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Peace and comfort rest forevermore upon thy head!вБ†вАФThou enviedst no manвАЩs comfortsвБ†вЄЇвБ†insultedst no manвАЩs opinionsвБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou blackenedst no manвАЩs characterвБ†вАФdevouredst no manвАЩs bread: gently, with faithful Trim behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasures, jostling no creature in thy way:вБ†вАФfor each oneвАЩs sorrow thou hadst a tear,вБ†вАФfor each manвАЩs need, thou hadst a shilling.
Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weederвБ†вАФthy path from thy door to thy bowling-green shall never be grown up.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Whilst there is a rood and a half of land in the Shandy family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shall never be demolishвАЩd.