XI
вАЬBy the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour.вАЭ I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloudвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great inclination to hear itвБ†вЄїI may as well read it to myself. ThatвАЩs contrary to treaty, replied my father:вБ†вЄїbesides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr.¬†Slop did not altogether like it,вБ†вЄїbut my uncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them;вБ†вЄїDr.¬†Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle TobyвАЩs whistlingвБ†вЄїas suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrinвБ†вЄїhe read it aloud as followsвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before.
вАЬBy the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and elect of God,вБ†вЄЇвБ†May heвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬbe damnвАЩdвАЭ (for tying these knots)вБ†вЄЇвАЬWe excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out forevermore, unless it shall repent himвАЭ (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied) вАЬand make satisfactionвАЭ (for them) вАЬAmen.вАЭ
вАЬMay the Father who created man, curse him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May the Son who suffered for us, curse him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him (Obadiah)вБ†вЄЇвБ†May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
вАЬMay the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.вБ†вЄїMay St.¬†Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.вАЭ [Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄїbut nothing to this.вБ†вЄїFor my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.]
вАЬMay St.¬†John, the Pr√¶cursor, and St.¬†John the Baptist, and St.¬†Peter and St.¬†Paul, and St.¬†Andrew, and all other ChristвАЩs apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse himвАЭ (Obadiah).
вАЬMay the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn himвБ†вЄЇвБ†May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn himвБ†вЄїMay the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn himвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬor herвАЭ (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots).
вАЬMay he (Obadiah) be damnвАЩd wherever he beвБ†вЄЇвБ†whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.вБ†вЄЇвБ†May he be cursed in living, in dying.вАЭ [Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Dr.¬†Slop, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] вАЬMay he be cursed in eating, and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in bloodletting!вАЭ
вАЬMay heвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬbe cursed in all the faculties of his body!
вАЬMay he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!вБ†вЄїMay he be cursed in the hair of his head!вБ†вЄЇвБ†May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertexвАЭ (that is a sad curse, quoth my father), вАЬin his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eyebrows, in his cheeks, in his jawbones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!
вАЬMay he be damnвАЩd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!
вАЬMay he be cursed in his reins, and in his groinвАЭ (God in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle Toby), вАЬin his thighs, in his genitalsвАЭ (my father shook his head), вАЬand in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toenails!
вАЬMay he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him!
вАЬMay the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his MajestyвАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud WhewвБ†вАФwвБ†вАФwвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†something betwixt the interjectional whistle of Hay-day! and the word itself.вБ†вЄї
вЄЇвБ†By the golden beard of JupiterвБ†вАФand of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the by was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatickвБ†вАФto say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)вБ†вЄїall which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;вБ†вЄЇвБ†every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn byвБ†вАФby all these beards together thenвБ†вЄЇвБ†I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered hisвБ†вЄЇвБ†to have stood by, and heard my uncle TobyвАЩs accompanyment.]
вЄЇвАЬcurse him!вАЭ continued Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФвАЬand may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn himвАЭ (Obadiah) вАЬunless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,вБ†вАФso be it. Amen.вАЭ
I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.вБ†вАФHe is the father of curses, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So am not I, replied my uncle.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But he is cursed, and damnвАЩd already, to all eternity, replied Dr.¬†Slop.
I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby.
Dr.¬†Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby the compliment of his WhuвБ†вАФuвБ†вАФuвБ†вАФor interjectional whistleвБ†вЄЇвБ†when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†put an end to the affair.