XXVIII
Dear Yorick, said my father, smiling (for Yorick had broke his rank with my uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stepped first into the parlour)вБ†вАФthis Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites.вБ†вАФNever was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.вБ†вАФBut he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick.вБ†вАФThere has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.вБ†вАФThat, you are a better judge of than I, replied Yorick.вБ†вАФAstrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:вБ†вАФthe trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,вБ†вАФor the opposite of their ascendants have not hit it, as they should,вБ†вАФor the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep,вБ†вАФor something has been wrong above, or below with us.
вАЩTis possible, answered Yorick.вБ†вАФBut is the child, cried my uncle Toby, the worse?вБ†вАФThe Troglodytes say not, replied my father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell usвБ†вАФTheologically? said Yorick,вБ†вАФor speaking after the manner of apothecaries?вБ†вАФstatesmen?вБ†вАФor washerwomen?
вЄЇвБ†IвАЩm not sure, replied my father,вБ†вАФbut they tell us, brother Toby, heвАЩs the better for it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Provided, said Yorick, you travel him into Egypt.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabick to me.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish, said Yorick, вАЩtwas so, to half the world.
вЄЇвБ†Ilus, continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning.вБ†вАФNot without a court martial? cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle TobyвАЩs remark, but turning to Yorick,вБ†вАФare greatly divided still who Ilus was;вБ†вАФsome say Saturn;вБ†вАФsome the Supreme Being;вБ†вАФothers, no more than a brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Let him be who he will, said my uncle Toby, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.
The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it:вБ†вАФothers, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shown the world the futility of the greatest part of them.вБ†вАФBut then again, our best polemic divinesвБ†вАФI wish there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the kingdom;вБ†вАФone ounce of practical divinityвБ†вАФis worth a painted shipload of all their reverences have imported these fifty years.вБ†вАФPray, Mr.¬†Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФdo tell me what a polemic divine is?вБ†вЄЇвБ†The best description, captain Shandy, I have ever read, is of a couple of вАЩem, replied Yorick, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I have in my pocket.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby earnestly.вБ†вАФYou shall, said Yorick.вБ†вАФAnd as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,вБ†вАФand I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper,вБ†вАФI beg, brother, youвАЩll give him leave to come in.вБ†вАФWith all my soul, said my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.