XIX
My father was returned from his walk to the fishpondвБ†вЄЇвБ†and opened the parlour-door in the very height of the attack, just as my uncle Toby was marching up the glacisвБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim recovered his armsвБ†вЄЇвБ†never was my uncle Toby caught in riding at such a desperate rate in his life! Alas! my uncle Toby! had not a weightier matter called forth all the ready eloquence of my fatherвБ†вАФhow hadst thou then and thy poor Hobbyhorse too been insulted!
My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it down; and after giving a slight look at the disorder of the room, he took hold of one of the chairs which had formed the corporalвАЩs breach, and placing it over-against my uncle Toby, he sat down in it, and as soon as the tea-things were taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a lamentation as follows.
My FatherвАЩs Lamentation
It is in vain longer, said my father, addressing himself as much to ErnulphusвАЩs curse, which was laid upon the corner of the chimneypieceвБ†вЄЇвБ†as to my uncle Toby who sat under itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it is in vain longer, said my father, in the most querulous monotony imaginable, to struggle as I have done against this most uncomfortable of human persuasionsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I see it plainly, that either for my own sins, brother Toby, or the sins and follies of the Shandy family, Heaven has thought fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artillery against me; and that the prosperity of my child is the point upon which the whole force of it is directed to play.вБ†вЄїSuch a thing would batter the whole universe about our ears, brother Shandy, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФif it was soвБ†вАФUnhappy Tristram: child of wrath! child of decrepitude! interruption! mistake! and discontent! What one misfortune or disaster in the book of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize thy frame, or entangle thy filaments! which has not fallen upon thy head, or ever thou camest into the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†what evils in thy passage into it!вБ†вЄїwhat evils since!вБ†вЄЇвБ†produced into being, in the decline of thy fatherвАЩs daysвБ†вЄЇвБ†when the powers of his imagination and of his body were waxing feebleвБ†вЄЇвБ†when radical heat and radical moisture, the elements which should have temperвАЩd thine, were drying up; and nothing left to found thy stamina in, but negationsвБ†вАФвАЩtis pitifulвБ†вЄїbrother Toby, at the best, and called out for all the little helps that care and attention on both sides could give it. But how were we defeated! You know the event, brother TobyвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis too melancholy a one to be repeated nowвБ†вЄЇвБ†when the few animal spirits I was worth in the world, and with which memory, fancy, and quick parts should have been conveyвАЩdвБ†вЄїwere all dispersed, confused, confounded, scattered, and sent to the devil.вБ†вЄї
Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecution against him;вБ†вЄїand tried an experiment at leastвБ†вЄїwhether calmness and serenity of mind in your sister, with a due attention, brother Toby, to her evacuations and repletionsвБ†вЄїand the rest of her non-naturals, might not, in a course of nine months gestation, have set all things to rights.вБ†вЄїMy child was bereft of these!вБ†вЄїWhat a teazing life did she lead herself, and consequently her f≈Уtus too, with that nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town? I thought my sister submitted with the greatest patience, replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†I never heard her utter one fretful word about it.вБ†вЄїShe fumed inwardly, cried my father; and that, let me tell you, brother, was ten times worse for the childвБ†вАФand then! what battles did she fight with me, and what perpetual storms about the midwife.вБ†вЄїThere she gave vent, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄїVent! cried my father, looking up.
But what was all this, my dear Toby, to the injuries done us by my childвАЩs coming head foremost into the world, when all I wished, in this general wreck of his frame, was to have saved this little casket unbroke, unrifled.вБ†вЄї
With all my precautions, how was my system turned topside-turvy in the womb with my child! his head exposed to the hand of violence, and a pressure of 470 pounds avoirdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon its apexвБ†вАФthat at this hour вАЩtis ninety percent insurance, that the fine network of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a thousand tatters.
вЄЇвБ†Still we could have done.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Fool, coxcomb, puppyвБ†вЄЇвБ†give him but a NoseвБ†вЄЇвБ†Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller, GoosecapвБ†вЄї(shape him as you will) the door of fortune stands openвБ†вАФO Licetus! Licetus! had I been blest with a f≈Уtus five inches long and a half, like theeвБ†вАФFate might have done her worst.
Still, brother Toby, there was one cast of the dye left for our child after allвБ†вАФO Tristram! Tristram! Tristram!
We will send for Mr. Yorick, said my uncle Toby.
вЄЇвБ†You may send for whom you will, replied my father.