XXXVI
Now, because I have once or twice said, in my inconsiderate way of talking, That I was confident the following memoirs of my uncle TobyвАЩs courtship of widow Wadman, whenever I got time to write them, would turn out one of the most complete systems, both of the elementary and practical part of love and lovemaking, that ever was addressed to the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†are you to imagine from thence, that I shall set out with a description of what love is? whether part God and part Devil, as Plotinus will have itвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†Or by a more critical equation, and supposing the whole of love to be as tenвБ†вЄЇвБ†to determine with Ficinus, вАЬHow many parts of itвБ†вАФthe one,вБ†вАФand how many the other;вАЭвБ†вАФor whether it is all of it one great Devil, from head to tail, as Plato has taken upon him to pronounce; concerning which conceit of his, I shall not offer my opinion:вБ†вАФbut my opinion of Plato is this; that he appears, from this instance, to have been a man of much the same temper and way of reasoning with doctor Baynyard, who being a great enemy to blisters, as imagining that half a dozen of вАЩem at once, would draw a man as surely to his grave, as a herse and sixвБ†вАФrashly concluded, that the Devil himself was nothing in the world, but one great bouncing Canthari[di]s.вБ†вЄї
I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous liberty in arguing, but what Nazianzen cried out (that is, polemically) to PhilagriusвБ†вЄЇвБ†
вАЬќХбљЦќ≥ќµ!вАЭ O rare! вАЩtis fine reasoning, Sir, indeed!вБ†вАФвАЬбљЕѕДќє ѕЖќєќїќњѕГќњѕЖќµбњЦѕВ бЉРќљ ќ†ќђќЄќµѕГќєвАЭвБ†вАФand most nobly do you aim at truth, when you philosophize about it in your moods and passions.
Nor is it to be imagined, for the same reason, I should stop to inquire, whether love is a disease,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or embroil myself with Rhasis and Dioscorides, whether the seat of it is in the brain or liver;вБ†вАФbecause this would lead me on, to an examination of the two very opposite manners, in which patients have been treatedвБ†вЄЇвБ†the one, of A√¶tius, who always begun with a cooling clyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers;вБ†вАФand followed on with thin potations of water-lillies and purslaneвБ†вАФto which he added a pinch of snuff of the herb Hanea;вБ†вАФand where A√¶tius durst venture it,вБ†вАФhis topaz-ring.
вЄЇвБ†The other, that of Gordonius, who (in his cap. 15 de Amore) directs they should be thrashed, вАЬad putorem usque,вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†till they stink again.
These are disquisitions, which my father, who had laid in a great stock of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy with in the progress of my uncle TobyвАЩs affairs: I must anticipate thus much, That from his theories of love, (with which, by the way, he contrived to crucify my uncle TobyвАЩs mind, almost as much as his amours themselves)вБ†вАФhe took a single step into practice;вБ†вАФand by means of a camphorated cerecloth, which he found means to impose upon the tailor for buckram, whilst he was making my uncle Toby a new pair of breeches, he produced GordoniusвАЩs effect upon my uncle Toby without the disgrace.
What changes this produced, will be read in its proper place: all that is needful to be added to the anecdote, is thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†That whatever effect it had upon my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвБ†it had a vile effect upon the house;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if my uncle Toby had not smoaked it down as he did, it might have had a vile effect upon my father too.