VIII
As Obadiah loved wind-music preferably to all the instrumental music he carried with him,вБ†вАФhe very considerately set his imagination to work, to contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of enjoying it.
In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted, nothing is so apt to enter a manвАЩs head as his hatband:вБ†вЄЇвБ†the philosophy of this is so near the surfaceвБ†вЄЇвБ†I scorn to enter into it.
As ObadiahвАЩs was a mixвАЩd caseвБ†вЄЇвБ†mark, Sirs,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I say, a mixed case; for it was obstetrical,вБ†вЄЇвБ†scriptical, squirtical, papisticalвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†caballisticalвБ†вЄЇвБ†and only partly musical;вБ†вАФObadiah made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient which offered; so taking hold of the bag and instruments, and griping them hard together with one hand, and with the finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the hatband betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the middle of it,вБ†вАФhe tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other (as you would cord a trunk) with such a multiplicity of roundabouts and intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection or point where the strings met,вБ†вАФthat Dr.¬†Slop must have had three-fifths of JobвАЩs patience at least to have unloosed them.вБ†вАФI think in my conscience, that had Nature been in one of her nimble moods, and in humour for such a contestвБ†вЄЇвБ†and she and Dr.¬†Slop both fairly started togetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is no man living who had seen the bag with all that Obadiah had done to it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and known likewise the great speed the Goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have had the least doubt remaining in his mindвБ†вАФwhich of the two would have carried off the prize. My mother, Madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag infalliblyвБ†вЄЇвБ†at least by twenty knots.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sport of small accidents, Tristram Shandy! that thou art, and ever will be! had that trial been for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had,вБ†вЄЇвБ†thy affairs had not been so depressвАЩdвБ†вАФ(at least by the depression of thy nose) as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the occasions of making them, which have so often presented themselves in the course of thy life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so irrecoverably abandonedвБ†вАФas thou hast been forced to leave them;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but вАЩtis over,вБ†вЄЇвБ†all but the account of вАЩem, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the world.