Book + 

V + 

Dixero si quid fort√® jocosius, hoc mihi juris + 

Cum venia dabis.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Hor. + 

вАФSi quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet theologum, aut mordacius quam deceat ChristianumвБ†вАФnon Ego, sed Democritus dixit.вБ†вАФ + 

Erasmus + 

Si quis Clericus, aut Monachus, verba joculatoria, risum moventia, sciebat, anathema esto.вБ†вАФ + 

Second Council of Carthage + 

To the Right Honourable John, Lord Viscount Spencer + 

My Lord, + 

I humbly beg leave to offer you these two Volumes; they are the best my talents, with such bad health as I have, could produce:вБ†вАФhad Providence granted me a larger stock of either, they had been a much more proper present to your Lordship. + 

I beg your Lordship will forgive me, if, at the same time I dedicate this work to you, I join Lady Spencer, in the liberty I take of inscribing the story of Le Fever to her name; for which I have no other motive, which my heart has informed me of, but that the story is a humane one. + 

I + 

If it had not been for those two mettlesome tits, and that madcap of a postillion who drove them from Stilton to Stamford, the thought had never entered my head. He flew like lightningвБ†вЄЇвБ†there was a slope of three miles and a halfвБ†вЄЇвБ†we scarce touched the groundвБ†вЄЇвБ†the motion was most rapidвБ†вЄЇвБ†most impetuousвБ†вЄївАЩtwas communicated to my brainвБ†вАФmy heart partook of itвБ†вЄЇвАЬBy the great God of day,вАЭ said I, looking towards the sun, and thrusting my arm out of the fore-window of the chaise, as I made my vow, вАЬI will lock up my study-door the moment I get home, and throw the key of it ninety feet below the surface of the earth, into the draw-well at the back of my house.вАЭ + 

The London wagon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering upon the hill, scarce progressive, dragвАЩdвБ†вАФdragвАЩd up by eight heavy beastsвБ†вАФвАЬby main strength!вБ†вЄЇвБ†quoth I, noddingвБ†вЄЇвБ†but your betters draw the same wayвБ†вЄЇвБ†and something of everybodyвАЩs!вБ†вЄЇвБ†O rare!вАЭ + 

Tell me, ye learned, shall we forever be adding so much to the bulkвБ†вАФso little to the stock? + 

Shall we forever make new books, as apothecaries make new mixtures, by pouring only out of one vessel into another? + 

Are we forever to be twisting, and untwisting the same rope? forever in the same trackвБ†вАФforever at the same pace? + 

Shall we be destined to the days of eternity, on holy-days, as well as working-days, to be showing the relicks of learning, as monks do the relicks of their saintsвБ†вАФwithout working oneвБ†вАФone single miracle with them? + 

Who made Man, with powers which dart him from earth to heaven in a momentвБ†вАФthat great, that most excellent, and most noble creature of the worldвБ†вАФthe miracle of nature, as Zoroaster in his book ѕАќµѕБќє ѕЖѕНѕГќµѕЙѕВ called himвБ†вАФthe Shekinah of the divine presence, as ChrysostomвБ†вЄЇвБ†the image of God, as MosesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the ray of divinity, as PlatoвБ†вАФthe marvel of marvels, as AristotleвБ†вАФto go sneaking on at this pitifulвБ†вАФpimpingвБ†вАФpettifogging rate? + 

I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the occasionвБ†вЄїbut if there is no catachresis in the wish, and no sin in it, I wish from my soul, that every imitator in Great Britain, France, and Ireland, had the farcy for his pains; and that there was a good farcical house, large enough to holdвБ†вАФayeвБ†вАФand sublimate them, shag rag and bobtail, male and female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of WhiskersвБ†вЄЇвБ†but, by what chain of ideasвБ†вАФI leave as a legacy in mortmain to Prudes and Tartufs, to enjoy and make the most of. + 

Upon Whiskers + 

IвАЩm sorry I made itвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered a manвАЩs headвБ†вЄЇвБ†A chapter upon whiskers! alas! the world will not bear itвБ†вАФвАЩtis a delicate worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†but I knew not of what mettle it was madeвБ†вАФnor had I ever seen the underwritten fragment; otherwise, as surely as noses are noses, and whiskers are whiskers still (let the world say what it will to the contrary); so surely would I have steered clear of this dangerous chapter. + 

The Fragment + 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *вБ†вЄїYou are half asleep, my good lady, said the old gentleman, taking hold of the old ladyвАЩs hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze, as he pronounced the word WhiskersвБ†вЄЇвБ†shall we change the subject? By no means, replied the old ladyвБ†вАФI like your account of those matters; so throwing a thin gauze handkerchief over her head, and leaning it back upon the chair with her face turned towards him, and advancing her two feet as she reclined herselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†I desire, continued she, you will go on. + 

The old gentleman went on as follows:вБ†вЄїWhiskers! cried the queen of Navarre, dropping her knotting ball, as La Fosseuse uttered the wordвБ†вЄЇвБ†Whiskers, madam, said La Fosseuse, pinning the ball to the queenвАЩs apron, and making a courtesy as she repeated it. + 

La FosseuseвАЩs voice was naturally soft and low, yet вАЩtwas an articulate voice: and every letter of the word Whiskers fell distinctly upon the queen of NavarreвАЩs earвБ†вАФWhiskers! cried the queen, laying a greater stress upon the word, and as if she had still distrusted her earsвБ†вЄЇвБ†Whiskers! replied La Fosseuse, repeating the word a third timeвБ†вЄЇвБ†There is not a cavalier, madam, of his age in Navarre, continued the maid of honour, pressing the pageвАЩs interest upon the queen, that has so gallant a pairвБ†вЄЇвБ†Of what? cried Margaret, smilingвБ†вАФOf whiskers, said La Fosseuse, with infinite modesty. + 

The word Whiskers still stood its ground, and continued to be made use of in most of the best companies throughout the little kingdom of Navarre, notwithstanding the indiscreet use which La Fosseuse had made of it: the truth was, La Fosseuse had pronounced the word, not only before the queen, but upon sundry other occasions at court, with an accent which always implied something of a mysteryвБ†вАФAnd as the court of Margaret, as all the world knows, was at that time a mixture of gallantry and devotionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and whiskers being as applicable to the one, as the other, the word naturally stood its groundвБ†вЄЇвБ†it gainвАЩd full as much as it lost; that is, the clergy were for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†the laity were against itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and for the women,вБ†вЄЇвБ†they were divided. + 

The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur De Croix, was at that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour towards the terrace before the palace gate, where the guard was mounted. The lady De Baussiere fell deeply in love with him,вБ†вЄЇвБ†La Battarelle did the sameвБ†вАФit was the finest weather for it, that ever was remembered in NavarreвБ†вЄЇвБ†La Guyol, La Maronette, La Sabatiere, fell in love with the Sieur De Croix alsoвБ†вЄЇвБ†La Rebours and La Fosseuse knew betterвБ†вЄЇвБ†De Croix had failed in an attempt to recommend himself to La Rebours; and La Rebours and La Fosseuse were inseparable. + 

The queen of Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the painted bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as De Croix passed through itвБ†вАФHe is handsome, said the Lady Baussiere.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He has a good mien, said La BattarelleвБ†вЄЇвБ†He is finely shaped, said La GuyolвБ†вАФI never saw an officer of the horse-guards in my life, said La Maronette, with two such legsвБ†вЄЇвБ†Or who stood so well upon them, said La SabatiereвБ†вЄїBut he has no whiskers, cried La FosseuseвБ†вЄЇвБ†Not a pile, said La Rebours. + 

The queen went directly to her oratory, musing all the way, as she walked through the gallery, upon the subject; turning it this way and that way in her fancyвБ†вАФAve Maria!вБ†вЄїwhat can La Fosseuse mean? said she, kneeling down upon the cushion. + 

La Guyol, La Battarelle, La Maronette, La Sabatiere, retired instantly to their chambersвБ†вЄїWhiskers! said all four of them to themselves, as they bolted their doors on the inside. + 

The Lady Carnavallette was counting her beads with both hands, unsuspected, under her farthingalвБ†вЄЇвБ†from St.¬†Antony down to St.¬†Ursula inclusive, not a saint passed through her fingers without whiskers; St.¬†Francis, St.¬†Dominick, St.¬†Bennet, St.¬†Basil, St.¬†Bridget, had all whiskers. + 

The Lady Baussiere had got into a wilderness of conceits, with moralizing too intricately upon La FosseuseвАЩs textвБ†вЄЇвБ†She mounted her palfrey, her page followed herвБ†вЄЇвБ†the host passed byвБ†вАФthe Lady Baussiere rode on. + 

One denier, cried the order of mercyвБ†вАФone single denier, in behalf of a thousand patient captives, whose eyes look towards heaven and you for their redemption. + 

вЄЇвБ†The Lady Baussiere rode on. + 

Pity the unhappy, said a devout, venerable, hoary-headed man, meekly holding up a box, begirt with iron, in his withered handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I beg for the unfortunateвБ†вАФgood my Lady, вАЩtis for a prisonвБ†вАФfor an hospitalвБ†вАФвАЩtis for an old manвБ†вАФa poor man undone by shipwreck, by suretyship, by fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†I call God and all his angels to witnessвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis to clothe the nakedвБ†вЄЇвБ†to feed the hungryвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis to comfort the sick and the brokenhearted. + 

The Lady Baussiere rode on. + 

A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground. + 

вЄЇвБ†The Lady Baussiere rode on. + 

He ran begging bareheaded on one side of her palfrey, conjuring her by the former bonds of friendship, alliance, consanguinity, etc.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Cousin, aunt, sister, mother,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for virtueвАЩs sake, for your own, for mine, for ChristвАЩs sake, remember meвБ†вЄЇвБ†pity me. + 

вЄЇвБ†The Lady Baussiere rode on. + 

Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady BaussiereвБ†вЄЇвБ†The page took hold of her palfrey. She dismounted at the end of the terrace. + 

There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints of themselves about our eyes and eyebrows; and there is a consciousness of it, somewhere about the heart, which serves but to make these etchings the strongerвБ†вАФwe see, spell, and put them together without a dictionary. + 

Ha, ha! he, hee! cried La Guyol and La Sabatiere, looking close at each otherвАЩs printsвБ†вЄЇвБ†Ho, ho! cried La Battarelle and Maronette, doing the same:вБ†вАФWhist! cried oneвБ†вАФst, st,вБ†вАФsaid a secondвБ†вАФhush, quoth a thirdвБ†вАФpoo, poo, replied a fourthвБ†вАФgramercy! cried the Lady Carnavallette;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas she who bewhiskerвАЩd St.¬†Bridget. + 

La Fosseuse drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair, and having traced the outline of a small whisker, with the blunt end of it, upon one side of her upper lip, put it into La ReboursвАЩ handвБ†вАФLa Rebours shook her head. + 

The Lady Baussiere coughed thrice into the inside of her muffвБ†вАФLa Guyol smiledвБ†вАФFy, said the Lady Baussiere. The queen of Navarre touched her eye with the tip of her forefingerвБ†вАФas much as to say, I understand you all. + 

вАЩTwas plain to the whole court the word was ruined: La Fosseuse had given it a wound, and it was not the better for passing through all these defilesвБ†вЄЇвБ†It made a faint stand, however, for a few months, by the expiration of which, the Sieur De Croix, finding it high time to leave Navarre for want of whiskersвБ†вЄЇвБ†the word in course became indecent, and (after a few efforts) absolutely unfit for use. + 

The best word, in the best language of the best world, must have suffered under such combinations.вБ†вЄїThe curate of dвАЩEstella wrote a book against them, setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas, and warning the Navarois against them. + 

Does not all the world know, said the curate dвАЩEstella at the conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago in most parts of Europe, which Whiskers have now done in the kingdom of Navarre?вБ†вАФThe evil indeed spread no farther thenвБ†вАФbut have not beds and bolsters, and nightcaps and chamberpots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since? Are not trouse, and placket-holes, and pump-handlesвБ†вАФand spigots and faucets, in danger still from the same association?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Chastity, by nature, the gentlest of all affectionsвБ†вАФgive it but its headвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis like a ramping and a roaring lion. + 

The drift of the curate dвАЩEstellaвАЩs argument was not understood.вБ†вАФThey ran the scent the wrong way.вБ†вАФThe world bridled his ass at the tail.вБ†вАФAnd when the extremes of delicacy, and the beginnings of concupiscence, hold their next provincial chapter together, they may decree that bawdy also. + 

II + 

When my father received the letter which brought him the melancholy account of my brother BobbyвАЩs death, he was busy calculating the expense of his riding post from Calais to Paris, and so on to Lyons. + 

вАЩTwas a most inauspicious journey; my father having had every foot of it to travel over again, and his calculation to begin afresh, when he had almost got to the end of it, by ObadiahвАЩs opening the door to acquaint him the family was out of yeastвБ†вАФand to ask whether he might not take the great coach-horse early in the morning and ride in search of some.вБ†вАФWith all my heart, Obadiah, said my father (pursuing his journey)вБ†вАФtake the coach-horse, and welcome.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But he wants a shoe, poor creature! said Obadiah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Poor creature! said my uncle Toby, vibrating the note back again, like a string in unison. Then ride the Scotch horse, quoth my father hastily.вБ†вАФHe cannot bear a saddle upon his back, quoth Obadiah, for the whole world.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The devilвАЩs in that horse; then take Patriot, cried my father, and shut the door.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Patriot is sold, said Obadiah. HereвАЩs for you! cried my father, making a pause, and looking in my uncle TobyвАЩs face, as if the thing had not been a matter of fact.вБ†вАФYour worship ordered me to sell him last April, said Obadiah.вБ†вАФThen go on foot for your pains, cried my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†I had much rather walk than ride, said Obadiah, shutting the door. + 

What plagues, cried my father, going on with his calculation.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But the waters are out, said Obadiah,вБ†вАФopening the door again. + 

Till that moment, my father, who had a map of SansonвАЩs, and a book of the post-roads before him, had kept his hand upon the head of his compasses, with one foot of them fixed upon Nevers, the last stage he had paid forвБ†вАФpurposing to go on from that point with his journey and calculation, as soon as Obadiah quitted the room: but this second attack of ObadiahвАЩs, in opening the door and laying the whole country under water, was too much.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He let go his compassesвБ†вАФor rather with a mixed motion between accident and anger, he threw them upon the table; and then there was nothing for him to do, but to return back to Calais (like many others) as wise as he had set out. + 

When the letter was brought into the parlour, which contained the news of my brotherвАЩs death, my father had got forwards again upon his journey to within a stride of the compasses of the very same stage of Nevers.вБ†вЄЇвБ†By your leave, Mons. Sanson, cried my father, striking the point of his compasses through Nevers into the tableвБ†вАФand nodding to my uncle Toby to see what was in the letterвБ†вАФtwice of one night, is too much for an English gentleman and his son, Mons. Sanson, to be turned back from so lousy a town as NeversвБ†вАФWhat thinkвАЩst thou, Toby? added my father in a sprightly tone.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Unless it be a garrison town, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†for thenвБ†вЄЇвБ†I shall be a fool, said my father, smiling to himself, as long as I live.вБ†вАФSo giving a second nodвБ†вАФand keeping his compasses still upon Nevers with one hand, and holding his book of the post-roads in the otherвБ†вАФhalf calculating and half listening, he leaned forwards upon the table with both elbows, as my uncle Toby hummed over the letter. + 

вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄї вЄївБ†вАФheвАЩs gone! said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†WhereвБ†вЄЇвБ†Who? cried my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My nephew, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†WhatвБ†вАФwithout leaveвБ†вАФwithout moneyвБ†вАФwithout governor? cried my father in amazement. No:вБ†вЄЇвБ†he is dead, my dear brother, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФWithout being ill? cried my father again.вБ†вАФI dare say not, said my uncle Toby, in a low voice, and fetching a deep sigh from the bottom of his heart, he has been ill enough, poor lad! IвАЩll answer for himвБ†вЄЇвБ†for he is dead. + 

When Agrippina was told of her sonвАЩs death, Tacitus informs us, that, not being able to moderate the violence of her passions, she abruptly broke off her work.вБ†вАФMy father stuck his compasses into Nevers, but so much the faster.вБ†вАФWhat contrarieties! his, indeed, was matter of calculation!вБ†вАФAgrippinaвАЩs must have been quite a different affair; who else could pretend to reason from history? + 

How my father went on, in my opinion, deserves a chapter to itself.вБ†вАФ + 

III + 

вЄЇвЄЇвБ†And a chapter it shall have, and a devil of a one tooвБ†вАФso look to yourselves. + 

вАЩTis either Plato, or Plutarch, or Seneca, or Xenophon, or Epictetus, or Theophrastus, or LucianвБ†вАФor someone perhaps of later dateвБ†вАФeither Cardan, or Bud√¶us, or Petrarch, or StellaвБ†вАФor possibly it may be some divine or father of the church, St.¬†Austin, or St.¬†Cyprian, or Barnard, who affirms that it is an irresistible and natural passion to weep for the loss of our friends or childrenвБ†вАФand Seneca (IвАЩm positive) tells us somewhere, that such griefs evacuate themselves best by that particular channelвБ†вАФAnd accordingly we find, that David wept for his son AbsalomвБ†вАФAdrian for his AntinousвБ†вАФNiobe for her children, and that Apollodorus and Crito both shed tears for Socrates before his death. + 

My father managed his affliction otherwise; and indeed differently from most men either ancient or modern; for he neither wept it away, as the Hebrews and the RomansвБ†вАФor slept it off, as the LaplandersвБ†вАФor hanged it, as the English, or drowned it, as the GermansвБ†вАФnor did he curse it, or damn it, or excommunicate it, or rhyme it, or lillabullero it.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†He got rid of it, however. + 

Will your worships give me leave to squeeze in a story between these two pages? + 

When Tully was bereft of his dear daughter Tullia, at first he laid it to his heart,вБ†вАФhe listened to the voice of nature, and modulated his own unto it.вБ†вАФO my Tullia! my daughter! my child!вБ†вАФstill, still, still,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas O my Tullia!вБ†вАФmy Tullia! Methinks I see my Tullia, I hear my Tullia, I talk with my Tullia.вБ†вАФBut as soon as he began to look into the stores of philosophy, and consider how many excellent things might be said upon the occasionвБ†вАФnobody upon earth can conceive, says the great orator, how happy, how joyful it made me. + 

My father was as proud of his eloquence as Marcus Tullius Cicero could be for his life, and, for aught I am convinced of to the contrary at present, with as much reason: it was indeed his strengthвБ†вАФand his weakness too.вБ†вЄЇвБ†His strengthвБ†вАФfor he was by nature eloquent; and his weaknessвБ†вАФfor he was hourly a dupe to it; and, provided an occasion in life would but permit him to show his talents, or say either a wise thing, a witty, or a shrewd oneвБ†вАФ(bating the case of a systematic misfortune)вБ†вАФhe had all he wanted.вБ†вАФA blessing which tied up my fatherвАЩs tongue, and a misfortune which let it loose with a good grace, were pretty equal: sometimes, indeed, the misfortune was the better of the two; for instance, where the pleasure of the harangue was as ten, and the pain of the misfortune but as fiveвБ†вАФmy father gained half in half, and consequently was as well again off, as if it had never befallen him. + 

This clue will unravel what otherwise would seem very inconsistent in my fatherвАЩs domestic character; and it is this, that, in the provocations arising from the neglects and blunders of servants, or other mishaps unavoidable in a family, his anger or rather the duration of it, eternally ran counter to all conjecture. + 

My father had a favourite little mare, which he had consigned over to a most beautiful Arabian horse, in order to have a pad out of her for his own riding: he was sanguine in all his projects; so talked about his pad every day with as absolute a security, as if it had been reared, broke,вБ†вАФand bridled and saddled at his door ready for mounting. By some neglect or other in Obadiah, it so fell out, that my fatherвАЩs expectations were answered with nothing better than a mule, and as ugly a beast of the kind as ever was produced. + 

My mother and my uncle Toby expected my father would be the death of ObadiahвБ†вАФand that there never would be an end of the disaster.вБ†вЄЇвБ†See here! you rascal, cried my father, pointing to the mule, what you have done!вБ†вЄЇвБ†It was not me, said Obadiah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†How do I know that? replied my father. + 

Triumph swam in my fatherвАЩs eyes, at the reparteeвБ†вАФthe Attic salt brought water into themвБ†вАФand so Obadiah heard no more about it. + 

Now let us go back to my brotherвАЩs death. + 

Philosophy has a fine saying for everything.вБ†вАФFor Death it has an entire set; the misery was, they all at once rushed into my fatherвАЩs head, that вАЩtwas difficult to string them together, so as to make anything of a consistent show out of them.вБ†вАФHe took them as they came. + 

вАЬвАКвАЩTis an inevitable chanceвБ†вАФthe first statute in Magna ChartaвБ†вАФit is an everlasting act of parliament, my dear brother,вБ†вЄЇвБ†All must die. + 

вАЬIf my son could not have died, it had been matter of wonder,вБ†вАФnot that he is dead. + 

вАЬMonarchs and princes dance in the same ring with us. + 

вАЬвБ†вАФTo die, is the great debt and tribute due unto nature: tombs and monuments, which should perpetuate our memories, pay it themselves; and the proudest pyramid of them all, which wealth and science have erected, has lost its apex, and stands obtruncated in the travellerвАЩs horizon.вАЭ (My father found he got great ease, and went on)вБ†вАФвАЬKingdoms and provinces, and towns and cities, have they not their periods? and when those principles and powers, which at first cemented and put them together, have performed their several evolutions, they fall back.вАЭвБ†вАФBrother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, laying down his pipe at the word evolutionsвБ†вАФRevolutions, I meant, quoth my father,вБ†вАФby heaven! I meant revolutions, brother TobyвБ†вАФevolutions is nonsense.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis not nonsense,вБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But is it not nonsense to break the thread of such a discourse upon such an occasion? cried my fatherвБ†вАФdo notвБ†вАФdear Toby, continued he, taking him by the hand, do notвБ†вАФdo not, I beseech thee, interrupt me at this crisis.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby put his pipe into his mouth. + 

вАЬWhere is Troy and Mycen√¶, and Thebes and Delos, and Persepolis and Agrigentum?вАЭвБ†вАФcontinued my father, taking up his book of postcards, which he had laid down.вБ†вАФвАЬWhat is become, brother Toby, of Nineveh and Babylon, of Cizicum and Mitylen√¶? The fairest towns that ever the sun rose upon, are now no more; the names only are left, and those (for many of them are wrong spelt) are falling themselves by piece-meals to decay, and in length of time will be forgotten, and involved with everything in a perpetual night: the world itself, brother Toby, mustвБ†вАФmust come to an end. + 

вАЬReturning out of Asia, when I sailed from √Жgina towards Megara,вАЭ (when can this have been? thought my uncle Toby) вАЬI began to view the country round about. √Жgina was behind me, Megara was before, Pyr√¶us on the right hand, Corinth on the left.вБ†вАФWhat flourishing towns now prostrate upon the earth! Alas! alas! said I to myself, that man should disturb his soul for the loss of a child, when so much as this lies awfully buried in his presenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†Remember, said I to myself againвБ†вАФremember thou art a man.вАЭвБ†вАФ + 

Now my uncle Toby knew not that this last paragraph was an extract of Servius SulpiciusвАЩs consolatory letter to Tully.вБ†вАФHe had as little skill, honest man, in the fragments, as he had in the whole pieces of antiquity.вБ†вАФAnd as my father, whilst he was concerned in the Turkey trade, had been three or four different times in the Levant, in one of which he had stayed a whole year and an half at Zant, my uncle Toby naturally concluded, that, in some one of these periods, he had taken a trip across the Archipelago into Asia; and that all this sailing affair with √Жgina behind, and Megara before, and Pyr√¶us on the right hand, etc., etc., was nothing more than the true course of my fatherвАЩs voyage and reflections.вБ†вАФвАЩTwas certainly in his manner, and many an undertaking critic would have built two stories higher upon worse foundations.вБ†вАФAnd pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, laying the end of his pipe upon my fatherвАЩs hand in a kindly way of interruptionвБ†вАФbut waiting till he finished the accountвБ†вАФwhat year of our Lord was this?вБ†вАФвАЩTwas no year of our Lord, replied my father.вБ†вАФThatвАЩs impossible, cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФSimpleton! said my father,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas forty years before Christ was born. + 

My uncle Toby had but two things for it; either to suppose his brother to be the wandering Jew, or that his misfortunes had disordered his brain.вБ†вАФвАЬMay the Lord God of heaven and earth protect him and restore him,вАЭ said my uncle Toby, praying silently for my father, and with tears in his eyes. + 

вАФMy father placed the tears to a proper account, and went on with his harangue with great spirit. + 

вАЬThere is not such great odds, brother Toby, betwixt good and evil, as the world imaginesвАЭвБ†вЄЇ(this way of setting off, by the by, was not likely to cure my uncle TobyвАЩs suspicions.)вБ†вЄЇвАЬLabour, sorrow, grief, sickness, want, and woe, are the sauces of life.вАЭвБ†вАФMuch good may it do themвБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby to himself.вБ†вЄї + 

вАЬMy son is dead!вБ†вАФso much the better;вБ†вАФвАЩtis a shame in such a tempest to have but one anchor.вАЭ + 

вАЬBut he is gone forever from us!вБ†вАФbe it so. He is got from under the hands of his barber before he was baldвБ†вАФhe is but risen from a feast before he was surfeitedвБ†вАФfrom a banquet before he had got drunken.вАЭ + 

вАЬThe Thracians wept when a child was bornвАЭвБ†вАФ(and we were very near it, quoth my uncle Toby)вБ†вАФвАЬand feasted and made merry when a man went out of the world; and with reason.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Death opens the gate of fame, and shuts the gate of envy after it,вБ†вАФit unlooses the chain of the captive, and puts the bondsmanвАЩs task into another manвАЩs hands.вАЭ + 

вАЬShow me the man, who knows what life is, who dreads it, and IвАЩll show thee a prisoner who dreads his liberty.вАЭ + 

Is it not better, my dear brother Toby, (for markвБ†вАФour appetites are but diseases)вБ†вАФis it not better not to hunger at all, than to eat?вБ†вАФnot to thirst, than to take physic to cure it? + 

Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues, from love and melancholy, and the other hot and cold fits of life, than, like a galled traveller, who comes weary to his inn, to be bound to begin his journey afresh? + 

There is no terrour, brother Toby, in its looks, but what it borrows from groans and convulsionsвБ†вАФand the blowing of noses and the wiping away of tears with the bottoms of curtains, in a dying manвАЩs room.вБ†вАФStrip it of these, what is it?вБ†вАФвАЩTis better in battle than in bed, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФTake away its herses, its mutes, and its mourning,вБ†вАФits plumes, scutcheons, and other mechanic aidsвБ†вАФWhat is it?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Better in battle! continued my father, smiling, for he had absolutely forgot my brother BobbyвБ†вАФвАЩtis terrible no wayвБ†вАФfor consider, brother Toby,вБ†вАФwhen we areвБ†вАФdeath is not;вБ†вАФand when death isвБ†вАФwe are not. My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to consider the proposition; my fatherвАЩs eloquence was too rapid to stay for any manвБ†вАФaway it went,вБ†вАФand hurried my uncle TobyвАЩs ideas along with it.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

For this reason, continued my father, вАЩtis worthy to recollect how little alteration, in great men, the approaches of death have made.вБ†вАФVespasian died in a jest upon his close-stoolвБ†вАФGalba with a sentenceвБ†вАФSeptimus Severus in a dispatchвБ†вАФTiberius in dissimulation, and Caesar Augustus in a compliment.вБ†вАФI hope вАЩtwas a sincere oneвБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby. + 

вАФвАЩTwas to his wife,вБ†вАФsaid my father. + 

IV + 

вЄЇвБ†And lastlyвБ†вАФfor all the choice anecdotes which history can produce of this matter, continued my father,вБ†вАФthis, like the gilded dome which covers in the fabricвБ†вАФcrowns all.вБ†вАФ + 

вАЩTis of Cornelius Gallus, the pr√¶torвБ†вАФwhich, I dare say, brother Toby, you have read,вБ†вАФI dare say I have not, replied my uncle.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He died, said my father, as ***************вБ†вАФAnd if it was with his wife, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФthere could be no hurt in itвБ†вАФThatвАЩs more than I knowвБ†вАФreplied my father. + 

V + 

My mother was going very gingerly in the dark along the passage which led to the parlour, as my uncle Toby pronounced the word wife.вБ†вАФвАЩTis a shrill penetrating sound of itself, and Obadiah had helped it by leaving the door a little ajar, so that my mother heard enough of it to imagine herself the subject of the conversation; so laying the edge of her finger across her two lipsвБ†вАФholding in her breath, and bending her head a little downwards, with a twist of her neckвБ†вАФ(not towards the door, but from it, by which means her ear was brought to the chink)вБ†вАФshe listened with all her powers:вБ†вЄЇвБ†the listening slave, with the Goddess of Silence at his back, could not have given a finer thought for an intaglio. + 

In this attitude I am determined to let her stand for five minutes: till I bring up the affairs of the kitchen (as¬†Rapin does those of the church) to the same period. + 

VI + 

Though in one sense, our family was certainly a simple machine, as it consisted of a few wheels; yet there was thus much to be said for it, that these wheels were set in motion by so many different springs, and acted one upon the other from such a variety of strange principles and impulsesвБ†вЄЇвБ†that though it was a simple machine, it had all the honour and advantages of a complex one,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and a number of as odd movements within it, as ever were beheld in the inside of a Dutch silk-mill. + 

Amongst these there was one, I am going to speak of, in which, perhaps, it was not altogether so singular, as in many others; and it was this, that whatever motion, debate, harangue, dialogue, project, or dissertation, was going forwards in the parlour, there was generally another at the same time, and upon the same subject, running parallel along with it in the kitchen. + 

Now to bring this about, whenever an extraordinary message, or letter, was delivered in the parlourвБ†вАФor a discourse suspended till a servant went outвБ†вАФor the lines of discontent were observed to hang upon the brows of my father or motherвБ†вАФor, in short, when anything was supposed to be upon the tapis worth knowing or listening to, вАЩtwas the rule to leave the door, not absolutely shut, but somewhat ajarвБ†вАФas it stands just now,вБ†вАФwhich, under covert of the bad hinge (and that possibly might be one of the many reasons why it was never mended), it was not difficult to manage; by which means, in all these cases, a passage was generally left, not indeed as wide as the Dardanelles, but wide enough, for all that, to carry on as much of this windward trade, as was sufficient to save my father the trouble of governing his house;вБ†вАФmy mother at this moment stands profiting by it.вБ†вАФObadiah did the same thing, as soon as he had left the letter upon the table which brought the news of my brotherвАЩs death, so that before my father had well got over his surprise, and entered upon this harangue,вБ†вАФhad Trim got upon his legs, to speak his sentiments upon the subject. + 

A curious observer of nature, had he been worth the inventory of all JobвАЩs stockвБ†вАФthough by the by, your curious observers are seldom worth a groatвБ†вАФwould have given the half of it, to have heard Corporal Trim and my father, two orators so contrasted by nature and education, haranguing over the same bier. + 

My fatherвБ†вАФa man of deep readingвБ†вАФprompt memoryвБ†вАФwith Cato, and Seneca, and Epictetus, at his fingers ends.вБ†вАФ + 

The corporalвБ†вАФwith nothingвБ†вАФto rememberвБ†вАФof no deeper reading than his muster-rollвБ†вАФor greater names at his fingers end, than the contents of it. + 

The one proceeding from period to period, by metaphor and allusion, and striking the fancy as he went along (as men of wit and fancy do) with the entertainment and pleasantry of his pictures and images. + 

The other, without wit or antithesis, or point, or turn, this way or that; but leaving the images on one side, and the picture on the other, going straight forwards as nature could lead him, to the heart. O¬†Trim! would to heaven thou hadвАЩst a better historian!вБ†вАФwould thy historian had a better pair of breeches!вБ†вЄЇвБ†O ye critics! will nothing melt you? + 

VII + 

вЄїMy young master in London is dead! said Obadiah.вБ†вАФ + 

вЄїA green sattin nightgown of my motherвАЩs which had been twice scoured, was the first idea which ObadiahвАЩs exclamation brought into SusannahвАЩs head.вБ†вАФWell might Locke write a chapter upon the imperfection of words.вБ†вАФThen, quoth Susannah, we must all go into mourning.вБ†вАФBut note a second time: the word mourning, notwithstanding Susannah made use of it herselfвБ†вАФfailed also of doing its office; it excited not one single idea, tinged either with grey or black,вБ†вАФall was green.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The green sattin nightgown hung there still. + 

вАФO! вАЩtwill be the death of my poor mistress, cried Susannah.вБ†вАФMy motherвАЩs whole wardrobe followed.вБ†вАФWhat a procession! her red damask,вБ†вАФher orange tawney,вБ†вАФher white and yellow lutestrings,вБ†вАФher brown taffata,вБ†вАФher bone-laced caps, her bed-gowns, and comfortable under-petticoats.вБ†вАФNot a rag was left behind.вБ†вАФвАЬNo,вБ†вАФshe will never look up again,вАЭ said Susannah. + 

We had a fat, foolish scullionвБ†вАФmy father, I think, kept her for her simplicity;вБ†вАФshe had been all autumn struggling with a dropsy.вБ†вАФHe is dead, said Obadiah,вБ†вАФhe is certainly dead!вБ†вАФSo am not I, said the foolish scullion. + 

вЄЇвБ†Here is sad news, Trim, cried Susannah, wiping her eyes as Trim steppвАЩd into the kitchen,вБ†вАФmaster Bobby is dead and buriedвБ†вАФthe funeral was an interpolation of SusannahвАЩsвБ†вАФwe shall have all to go into mourning, said Susannah. + 

I hope not, said Trim.вБ†вАФYou hope not! cried Susannah earnestly.вБ†вАФThe mourning ran not in TrimвАЩs head, whatever it did in SusannahвАЩs.вБ†вАФI hopeвБ†вАФsaid Trim, explaining himself, I hope in God the news is not true.вБ†вАФI heard the letter read with my own ears, answered Obadiah; and we shall have a terrible piece of work of it in stubbing the Ox-moor.вБ†вАФOh! heвАЩs dead, said Susannah.вБ†вАФAs sure, said the scullion, as IвАЩm alive. + 

I lament for him from my heart and my soul, said Trim, fetching a sigh.вБ†вАФPoor creature!вБ†вАФpoor boy!вБ†вАФpoor gentleman. + 

вАФHe was alive last Whitsontide! said the coachman.вБ†вАФWhitsontide! alas! cried Trim, extending his right arm, and falling instantly into the same attitude in which he read the sermon,вБ†вАФwhat is Whitsontide, Jonathan (for that was the coachmanвАЩs name), or Shrovetide, or any tide or time past, to this? Are we not here now, continued the corporal (striking the end of his stick perpendicularly upon the floor, so as to give an idea of health and stability)вБ†вАФand are we notвБ†вАФ(dropping his hat upon the ground) gone! in a moment!вБ†вАФвАЩTwas infinitely striking! Susannah burst into a flood of tears.вБ†вАФWe are not stocks and stones.вБ†вАФJonathan, Obadiah, the cook-maid, all melted.вБ†вАФThe foolish fat scullion herself, who was scouring a fish-kettle upon her knees, was rousвАЩd with it.вБ†вАФThe whole kitchen crowded about the corporal. + 

Now, as I perceive plainly, that the preservation of our constitution in church and state,вБ†вАФand possibly the preservation of the whole worldвБ†вАФor what is the same thing, the distribution and balance of its property and power, may in time to come depend greatly upon the right understanding of this stroke of the corporalвАЩs eloquenceвБ†вАФI do demand your attentionвБ†вАФyour worships and reverences, for any ten pages together, take them where you will in any other part of the work, shall sleep for it at your ease. + 

I said, вАЬwe were not stocks and stonesвАЭвБ†вАФвАЩtis very well. I should have added, nor are we angels, I wish we were,вБ†вАФbut men clothed with bodies, and governed by our imaginations;вБ†вАФand what a junketing piece of work of it there is, betwixt these and our seven senses, especially some of them, for my own part, I own it, I am ashamed to confess. Let it suffice to affirm, that of all the senses, the eye (for I absolutely deny the touch, though most of your Barbati, I know, are for it) has the quickest commerce with the soul,вБ†вАФgives a smarter stroke, and leaves something more inexpressible upon the fancy, than words can either conveyвБ†вАФor sometimes, get rid of. + 

вАФIвАЩve gone a little aboutвБ†вАФno matter, вАЩtis for healthвБ†вАФlet us only carry it back in our mind to the mortality of TrimвАЩs hat.вБ†вАФвАЬAre we not here now,вБ†вАФand gone in a moment?вАЭвБ†вАФThere was nothing in the sentenceвБ†вАФвАЩtwas one of your self-evident truths we have the advantage of hearing every day; and if Trim had not trusted more to his hat than his headвБ†вАФhe had made nothing at all of it. + 

вЄївАЬAre we not here now;вАЭ continued the corporal, вАЬand are we notвАЭвБ†вАФ(dropping his hat plump upon the groundвБ†вАФand pausing, before he pronounced the word)вБ†вАФвАЬgone! in a moment?вАЭ The descent of the hat was as if a heavy lump of clay had been kneeded into the crown of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Nothing could have expressed the sentiment of mortality, of which it was the type and forerunner, like it,вБ†вАФhis hand seemed to vanish from under it,вБ†вАФit fell dead,вБ†вАФthe corporalвАЩs eye fixed upon it, as upon a corpse,вБ†вАФand Susannah burst into a flood of tears. + 

NowвБ†вАФTen thousand, and ten thousand times ten thousand (for matter and motion are infinite) are the ways by which a hat may be dropped upon the ground, without any effect.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Had he flung it, or thrown it, or cast it, or skimmed it, or squirted it, or let it slip or fall in any possible direction under heaven,вБ†вАФor in the best direction that could be given to it,вБ†вАФhad he dropped it like a gooseвБ†вАФlike a puppyвБ†вАФlike an assвБ†вАФor in doing it, or even after he had done, had he looked like a foolвБ†вАФlike a ninnyвБ†вАФlike a nincompoopвБ†вАФit had failвАЩd, and the effect upon the heart had been lost. + 

Ye who govern this mighty world and its mighty concerns with the engines of eloquence,вБ†вАФwho heat it, and cool it, and melt it, and mollify it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and then harden it again to your purposeвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Ye who wind and turn the passions with this great windlass, and, having done it, lead the owners of them, whither ye think meetвБ†вАФ + 

Ye, lastly, who driveвБ†вЄЇвБ†and why not, Ye also who are driven, like turkeys to market with a stick and a red cloutвБ†вАФmeditateвБ†вАФmeditate, I beseech you, upon TrimвАЩs hat. + 

VIII + 

StayвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have a small account to settle with the reader before Trim can go on with his harangue.вБ†вАФIt shall be done in two minutes. + 

Amongst many other book-debts, all of which I shall discharge in due time,вБ†вАФI own myself a debtor to the world for two items,вБ†вАФa chapter upon chambermaids and buttonholes, which, in the former part of my work, I promised and fully intended to pay off this year: but some of your worships and reverences telling me, that the two subjects, especially so connected together, might endanger the morals of the world,вБ†вАФI pray the chapter upon chambermaids and buttonholes may be forgiven me,вБ†вАФand that they will accept of the last chapter in lieu of it; which is nothing, anвАЩt please your reverences, but a chapter of chambermaids, green gowns, and old hats. + 

Trim took his off the ground,вБ†вАФput it upon his head,вБ†вАФand then went on with his oration upon death, in manner and form following. + 

IX + 

вЄїTo us, Jonathan, who know not what want or care isвБ†вАФwho live here in the service of two of the best of mastersвБ†вАФ(bating in my own case his majesty King William the Third, whom I had the honour to serve both in Ireland and Flanders)вБ†вАФI own it, that from Whitsontide to within three weeks of Christmas,вБ†вАФвАЩtis not longвБ†вАФвАЩtis like nothing;вБ†вАФbut to those, Jonathan, who know what death is, and what havock and destruction he can make, before a man can well wheel aboutвБ†вАФвАЩtis like a whole age.вБ†вАФO Jonathan! вАЩtwould make a good-natured manвАЩs heart bleed, to consider, continued the corporal (standing perpendicularly), how low many a brave and upright fellow has been laid since that time!вБ†вАФAnd trust me, Susy, added the corporal, turning to Susannah, whose eyes were swimming in water,вБ†вАФbefore that time comes round again,вБ†вАФmany a bright eye will be dim.вБ†вАФSusannah placed it to the right side of the pageвБ†вАФshe weptвБ†вАФbut she courtвАЩsied too.вБ†вАФAre we not, continued Trim, looking still at SusannahвБ†вАФare we not like a flower of the fieldвБ†вАФa tear of pride stole in betwixt every two tears of humiliationвБ†вАФelse no tongue could have described SusannahвАЩs afflictionвБ†вАФis not all flesh grass?вБ†вАФвАЩTis clay,вБ†вАФвАЩtis dirt.вБ†вАФThey all looked directly at the scullion,вБ†вАФthe scullion had just been scouring a fish-kettle.вБ†вАФIt was not fair.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФWhat is the finest face that ever man looked at!вБ†вАФI could hear Trim talk so forever, cried Susannah,вБ†вАФwhat is it! (Susannah laid her hand upon TrimвАЩs shoulder)вБ†вАФbut corruption?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Susannah took it off. + 

Now I love you for thisвБ†вАФand вАЩtis this delicious mixture within you which makes you dear creatures what you areвБ†вАФand he who hates you for itвБ†вЄїall I can say of the matter isвБ†вАФThat he has either a pumpkin for his headвБ†вАФor a pippin for his heart,вБ†вАФand whenever he is dissected вАЩtwill be found so. + 

X + 

Whether Susannah, by taking her hand too suddenly from off the corporalвАЩs shoulder (by the whisking about of her passions)вБ†вЄЇвБ†broke a little the chain of his reflectionsвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Or whether the corporal began to be suspicious, he had got into the doctorвАЩs quarters, and was talking more like the chaplain than himselfвБ†вЄї + 

Or whether- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Or whetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†for in all such cases a man of invention and parts may with pleasure fill a couple of pages with suppositionsвБ†вЄЇвБ†which of all these was the cause, let the curious physiologist, or the curious anybody determineвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis certain, at least, the corporal went on thus with his harangue. + 

For my own part, I declare it, that out of doors, I value not death at all:вБ†вАФnot thisвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ added the corporal, snapping his fingers,вБ†вАФbut with an air which no one but the corporal could have given to the sentiment.вБ†вАФIn battle, I value death not thisвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ and let him not take me cowardly, like poor Joe Gibbins, in scouring his gunвБ†вАФWhat is he? A pull of a triggerвБ†вАФa push of a bayonet an inch this way or thatвБ†вАФmakes the difference.вБ†вАФLook along the lineвБ†вАФto the rightвБ†вАФsee! JackвАЩs down! well,вБ†вАФвАЩtis worth a regiment of horse to him.вБ†вАФNoвБ†вАФвАЩtis Dick. Then JackвАЩs no worse.вБ†вАФNever mind which,вБ†вАФwe pass on,вБ†вАФin hot pursuit the wound itself which brings him is not felt,вБ†вАФthe best way is to stand up to him,вБ†вАФthe man who flies, is in ten times more danger than the man who marches up into his jaws.вБ†вАФIвАЩve lookвАЩd him, added the corporal, an hundred times in the face,вБ†вАФand know what he is.вБ†вАФHeвАЩs nothing, Obadiah, at all in the field.вБ†вАФBut heвАЩs very frightful in a house, quoth Obadiah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never mind it myself, said Jonathan, upon a coach-box.вБ†вАФIt must, in my opinion, be most natural in bed, replied Susannah.вБ†вАФAnd could I escape him by creeping into the worst calfвАЩs skin that ever was made into a knapsack, I would do it thereвБ†вАФsaid TrimвБ†вАФbut that is nature. + 

вЄЇвБ†Nature is nature, said Jonathan.вБ†вАФAnd that is the reason, cried Susannah, I so much pity my mistress.вБ†вАФShe will never get the better of it.вБ†вАФNow I pity the captain the most of anyone in the family, answered Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Madam will get ease of heart in weeping,вБ†вАФand the Squire in talking about it,вБ†вАФbut my poor master will keep it all in silence to himself,вБ†вАФI shall hear him sigh in his bed for a whole month together, as he did for lieutenant Le Fever.вБ†вАФAnвАЩ please your honour, do not sigh so piteously, I would say to him as I laid besides him. I cannot help it, Trim, my master would say,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis so melancholy an accidentвБ†вАФI cannot get it off my heart.вБ†вАФYour honour fears not death yourself.вБ†вАФI hope, Trim, I fear nothing, he would say, but the doing a wrong thing.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Well, he would add, whatever betides, I will take care of Le FeverвАЩs boy.вБ†вАФAnd with that, like a quieting draught, his honour would fall asleep. + 

I like to hear TrimвАЩs stories about the captain, said Susannah.вБ†вАФHe is a kindly-hearted gentleman, said Obadiah, as ever lived.вБ†вАФAye, and as brave a one too, said the corporal, as ever stepped before a platoon.вБ†вАФThere never was a better officer in the kingвАЩs army,вБ†вАФor a better man in GodвАЩs world; for he would march up to the mouth of a cannon, though he saw the lighted match at the very touch-hole,вБ†вАФand yet, for all that, he has a heart as soft as a child for other people.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He would not hurt a chicken.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I would sooner, quoth Jonathan, drive such a gentleman for seven pounds a yearвБ†вАФthan some for eight.вБ†вАФThank thee, Jonathan! for thy twenty shillings,вБ†вАФas much, Jonathan, said the corporal, shaking him by the hand, as if thou hadst put the money into my own pocket.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I would serve him to the day of my death out of love. He is a friend and a brother to me,вБ†вАФand could I be sure my poor brother Tom was dead,вБ†вАФcontinued the corporal, taking out his handkerchief,вБ†вАФwas I worth ten thousand pounds, I would leave every shilling of it to the captain.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim could not refrain from tears at this testamentary proof he gave of his affection to his master.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The whole kitchen was affected.вБ†вАФDo tell us the story of the poor lieutenant, said Susannah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†With all my heart, answered the corporal. + 

Susannah, the cook, Jonathan, Obadiah, and corporal Trim, formed a circle about the fire; and as soon as the scullion had shut the kitchen door,вБ†вАФthe corporal begun. + 

XI + 

I am a Turk if I had not as much forgot my mother, as if Nature had plaistered me up, and set me down naked upon the banks of the river Nile, without one.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Your most obedient servant, MadamвБ†вАФIвАЩve cost you a great deal of trouble,вБ†вАФI wish it may answer;вБ†вАФbut you have left a crack in my back,вБ†вАФand hereвАЩs a great piece fallen off here before,вБ†вАФand what must I do with this foot?вБ†вЄЇвБ†I shall never reach England with it. + 

For my own part, I never wonder at anything;вБ†вАФand so often has my judgment deceived me in my life, that I always suspect it, right or wrong,вБ†вАФat least I am seldom hot upon cold subjects. For all this, I reverence truth as much as anybody; and when it has slipped us, if a man will but take me by the hand, and go quietly and search for it, as for a thing we have both lost, and can neither of us do well without,вБ†вАФIвАЩll go to the worldвАЩs end with him:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But I hate disputes,вБ†вАФand therefore (bating religious points, or such as touch society) I would almost subscribe to anything which does not choke me in the first passage, rather than be drawn into one.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But I cannot bear suffocation,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and bad smells worst of all.вБ†вЄЇвБ†For which reasons, I resolved from the beginning, That if ever the army of martyrs was to be augmented,вБ†вАФor a new one raised,вБ†вАФI would have no hand in it, one way or tвАЩother. + 

XII + 

вЄЇвБ†But to return to my mother. + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs opinion, Madam, вАЬthat there could be no harm in Cornelius Gallus, the Roman pr√¶torвАЩs lying with his wife;вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†or rather the last word of that opinion,вБ†вАФ(for it was all my mother heard of it) caught hold of her by the weak part of the whole sex:вБ†вЄЇвБ†You shall not mistake me,вБ†вАФI mean her curiosity,вБ†вАФshe instantly concluded herself the subject of the conversation, and with that prepossession upon her fancy, you will readily conceive every word my father said, was accommodated either to herself, or her family concerns. + 

вЄЇвБ†Pray, Madam, in what street does the lady live, who would not have done the same? + 

From the strange mode of CorneliusвАЩs death, my father had made a transition to that of Socrates, and was giving my uncle Toby an abstract of his pleading before his judges;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas irresistible:вБ†вЄЇвБ†not the oration of Socrates,вБ†вАФbut my fatherвАЩs temptation to it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He had wrote the Life of Socrates himself the year before he left off trade, which, I fear, was the means of hastening him out of it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so that no one was able to set out with so full a sail, and in so swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon the occasion, as my father was. Not a period in SocratesвАЩs oration, which closed with a shorter word than transmigration, or annihilation,вБ†вАФor a worse thought in the middle of it than to beвБ†вАФor not to be,вБ†вАФthe entering upon a new and untried state of things,вБ†вАФor, upon a long, a profound and peaceful sleep, without dreams, without disturbance?вБ†вЄЇвБ†That we and our children were born to die,вБ†вАФbut neither of us born to be slaves.вБ†вЄЇвБ†NoвБ†вАФthere I mistake; that was part of EleazerвАЩs oration, as recorded by Josephus (De Bell. Judaic.)вБ†вЄЇвБ†Eleazer owns he had it from the philosophers of India; in all likelihood Alexander the Great, in his irruption into India, after he had overrun Persia, amongst the many things he stole,вБ†вАФstole that sentiment also; by which means it was carried, if not all the way by himself (for we all know he died at Babylon), at least by some of his maroders, into Greece,вБ†вАФfrom Greece it got to Rome,вБ†вАФfrom Rome to France,вБ†вАФand from France to England:вБ†вЄЇвБ†So things come round.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

By land carriage, I can conceive no other way.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

By water the sentiment might easily have come down the Ganges into the Sinus Gangeticus, or Bay of Bengal, and so into the Indian Sea; and following the course of trade (the way from India by the Cape of Good Hope being then unknown), might be carried with other drugs and spices up the Red Sea to Joddah, the port of Mekka, or else to Tor or Sues, towns at the bottom of the gulf; and from thence by karrawans to Coptos, but three daysвАЩ journey distant, so down the Nile directly to Alexandria, where the sentiment would be landed at the very foot of the great staircase of the Alexandrian library,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and from that storehouse it would be fetched.вБ†вЄїBless me! what a trade was driven by the learned in those days! + 

XIII + 

вЄЇвБ†Now my father had a way, a little like that of JobвАЩs (in case there ever was such a manвБ†вЄЇвБ†if not, thereвАЩs an end of the matter.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Though, by the by, because your learned men find some difficulty in fixing the precise √¶ra in which so great a man lived;вБ†вАФwhether, for instance, before or after the patriarchs, etc.вБ†вЄЇвБ†to vote, therefore, that he never lived at all, is a little cruel,вБ†вАФвАЩtis not doing as they would be done by,вБ†вАФhappen that as it may)вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father, I say, had a way, when things went extremely wrong with him, especially upon the first sally of his impatience,вБ†вАФof wondering why he was begot,вБ†вАФwishing himself dead;вБ†вАФsometimes worse:вБ†вЄЇвБ†And when the provocation ran high, and grief touched his lips with more than ordinary powersвБ†вАФSir, you scarce could have distinguished him from Socrates himself.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Every word would breathe the sentiments of a soul disdaining life, and careless about all its issues; for which reason, though my mother was a woman of no deep reading, yet the abstract of SocratesвАЩs oration, which my father was giving my uncle Toby, was not altogether new to her.вБ†вАФShe listened to it with composed intelligence, and would have done so to the end of the chapter, had not my father plunged (which he had no occasion to have done) into that part of the pleading where the great philosopher reckons up his connections, his alliances, and children; but renounces a security to be so won by working upon the passions of his judges.вБ†вАФвАЬI have friendsвБ†вАФI have relations,вБ†вАФI have three desolate children,вАЭвБ†вАФsays Socrates.вБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†Then, cried my mother, opening the door,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you have one more, Mr.¬†Shandy, than I know of. + 

By heaven! I have one less,вБ†вАФsaid my father, getting up and walking out of the room. + 

XIV + 

вЄЇвБ†They are SocratesвАЩs children, said my uncle Toby. He has been dead a hundred years ago, replied my mother. + 

My uncle Toby was no chronologerвБ†вАФso not caring to advance one step but upon safe ground, he laid down his pipe deliberately upon the table, and rising up, and taking my mother most kindly by the hand, without saying another word, either good or bad, to her, he led her out after my father, that he might finish the ecclaircissement himself. + 

XV + 

Had this volume been a farce, which, unless everyoneвАЩs life and opinions are to be looked upon as a farce as well as mine, I see no reason to supposeвБ†вАФthe last chapter, Sir, had finished the first act of it, and then this chapter must have set off thus. + 

Ptr..r..r..ingвБ†вАФtwingвБ†вАФtwangвБ†вАФprutвБ†вАФtrutвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a cursed bad fiddle.вБ†вАФDo you know whether my fiddleвАЩs in tune or no?вБ†вАФtrut..prut..вБ†вАФThey should be fifths.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis wickedly strungвБ†вАФtrвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ a.e.i.o.u.-twang.вБ†вАФThe bridge is a mile too high, and the sound post absolutely down,вБ†вАФelseвБ†вАФtrut .¬†. prutвБ†вАФhark! вАЩtis not so bad a tone.вБ†вАФDiddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle, dum. There is nothing in playing before good judges,вБ†вАФbut thereвАЩs a man thereвБ†вАФnoвБ†вАФnot him with the bundle under his armвБ†вАФthe grave man in black.вБ†вАФвАЩSdeath! not the gentleman with the sword on.вБ†вАФSir, I had rather play a Caprichio to Calliope herself, than draw my bow across my fiddle before that very man; and yet IвАЩll stake my Cremona to a JewвАЩs trump, which is the greatest musical odds that ever were laid, that I will this moment stop three hundred and fifty leagues out of tune upon my fiddle, without punishing one single nerve that belongs to himвБ†вАФTwaddle diddle, tweddle diddle,вБ†вАФtwiddle diddle,вБ†вЄЇвБ†twoddle diddle,вБ†вАФtwuddle diddle,вБ†вЄЇвБ†prut trutвБ†вАФkrishвБ†вАФkrashвБ†вАФkrush.вБ†вАФIвАЩve undone you, Sir,вБ†вАФbut you see heвАЩs no worse,вБ†вАФand was Apollo to take his fiddle after me, he can make him no better. + 

Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddleвБ†вАФhumвБ†вАФdumвБ†вАФdrum. + 

вАФYour worships and your reverences love musicвБ†вАФand God has made you all with good earsвБ†вАФand some of you play delightfully yourselvesвБ†вАФtrut-prut,вБ†вАФprut-trut. + 

O! there isвБ†вАФwhom I could sit and hear whole days,вБ†вАФwhose talents lie in making what he fiddles to be felt,вБ†вАФwho inspires me with his joys and hopes, and puts the most hidden springs of my heart into motion.вБ†вАФIf you would borrow five guineas of me, Sir,вБ†вАФwhich is generally ten guineas more than I have to spareвБ†вАФor you Messrs. Apothecary and Taylor, want your bills paying,вБ†вАФthatвАЩs your time. + 

XVI + 

The first thing which entered my fatherвАЩs head, after affairs were a little settled in the family, and Susannah had got possession of my motherвАЩs green sattin nightgown,вБ†вАФwas to sit down coolly, after the example of Xenophon, and write a Tristra-p√¶dia, or system of education for me; collecting first for that purpose his own scattered thoughts, counsels, and notions; and binding them together, so as to form an institute for the government of my childhood and adolescence. I was my fatherвАЩs last stakeвБ†вАФhe had lost my brother Bobby entirely,вБ†вАФhe had lost, by his own computation, full three-fourths of meвБ†вАФthat is, he had been unfortunate in his three first great casts for meвБ†вАФmy geniture, nose, and name,вБ†вАФthere was but this one left; and accordingly my father gave himself up to it with as much devotion as ever my uncle Toby had done to his doctrine of projectils.вБ†вАФThe difference between them was, that my uncle Toby drew his whole knowledge of projectils from Nicholas TartagliaвБ†вАФMy father spun his, every thread of it, out of his own brain,вБ†вАФor reeled and cross-twisted what all other spinners and spinsters had spun before him, that вАЩtwas pretty near the same torture to him. + 

In about three years, or something more, my father had got advanced almost into the middle of his work.вБ†вАФLike all other writers, he met with disappointments.вБ†вАФHe imagined he should be able to bring whatever he had to say, into so small a compass, that when it was finished and bound, it might be rolled up in my motherвАЩs hussive.вБ†вАФMatter grows under our hands.вБ†вАФLet no man say,вБ†вАФвАЬComeвБ†вАФIвАЩll write a duodecimo.вАЭ + 

My father gave himself up to it, however, with the most painful diligence, proceeding step by step in every line, with the same kind of caution and circumspection (though I cannot say upon quite so religious a principle) as was used by John de la Casse, the lord archbishop of Benevento, in compassing his Galatea; in which his Grace of Benevento spent near forty years of his life; and when the thing came out, it was not of above half the size or the thickness of a RiderвАЩs Almanac.вБ†вАФHow the holy man managed the affair, unless he spent the greatest part of his time in combing his whiskers, or playing at primero with his chaplain,вБ†вАФwould pose any mortal not let into the true secret;вБ†вАФand therefore вАЩtis worth explaining to the world, was it only for the encouragement of those few in it, who write not so much to be fedвБ†вАФas to be famous. + 

I own had John de la Casse, the archbishop of Benevento, for whose memory (notwithstanding his Galatea) I retain the highest veneration,вБ†вАФhad he been, Sir, a slender clerkвБ†вАФof dull witвБ†вАФslow partsвБ†вАФcostive head, and so forth,вБ†вАФhe and his Galatea might have jogged on together to the age of Methuselah for me,вБ†вАФthe ph√¶nomenon had not been worth a parenthesis.вБ†вАФ + 

But the reverse of this was the truth: John de la Casse was a genius of fine parts and fertile fancy; and yet with all these advantages of nature, which should have pricked him forwards with his Galatea, he lay under an impuissance at the same time of advancing above a line and a half in the compass of a whole summerвАЩs day: this disability in his Grace arose from an opinion he was afflicted with,вБ†вАФwhich opinion was this,вБ†вАФviz. that whenever a Christian was writing a book (not for his private amusement, but) where his intent and purpose was, bona fide, to print and publish it to the world, his first thoughts were always the temptations of the evil one.вБ†вАФThis was the state of ordinary writers: but when a personage of venerable character and high station, either in church or state, once turned author,вБ†вАФhe maintained, that from the very moment he took pen in handвБ†вАФall the devils in hell broke out of their holes to cajole him.вБ†вАФвАЩTwas Term-time with them,вБ†вАФevery thought, first and last, was captious;вБ†вАФhow specious and good soever,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas all one;вБ†вАФin whatever form or colour it presented itself to the imagination,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas still a stroke of one or other of вАЩem levellвАЩd at him, and was to be fenced off.вБ†вАФSo that the life of a writer, whatever he might fancy to the contrary, was not so much a state of composition, as a state of warfare; and his probation in it, precisely that of any other man militant upon earth,вБ†вАФboth depending alike, not half so much upon the degrees of his witвБ†вАФas his resistance. + 

My father was hugely pleased with this theory of John de la Casse, archbishop of Benevento; and (had it not cramped him a little in his creed) I believe would have given ten of the best acres in the Shandy estate, to have been the broacher of it.вБ†вАФHow far my father actually believed in the devil, will be seen, when I come to speak of my fatherвАЩs religious notions, in the progress of this work: вАЩtis enough to say here, as he could not have the honour of it, in the literal sense of the doctrineвБ†вАФhe took up with the allegory of it; and would often say, especially when his pen was a little retrograde, there was as much good meaning, truth, and knowledge, couched under the veil of John de la CasseвАЩs parabolical representation,вБ†вАФas was to be found in any one poetic fiction or mystic record of antiquity.вБ†вАФPrejudice of education, he would say, is the devil,вБ†вАФand the multitudes of them which we suck in with our motherвАЩs milkвБ†вАФare the devil and all.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We are haunted with them, brother Toby, in all our lucubrations and researches; and was a man fool enough to submit tamely to what they obtruded upon him,вБ†вАФwhat would his book be? Nothing,вБ†вАФhe would add, throwing his pen away with a vengeance,вБ†вАФnothing but a farrago of the clack of nurses, and of the nonsense of the old women (of both sexes) throughout the kingdom. + 

This is the best account I am determined to give of the slow progress my father made in his Tristra-paedia; at which (as I said) he was three years, and something more, indefatigably at work, and, at last, had scarce completed, by his own reckoning, one half of his undertaking: the misfortune was, that I was all that time totally neglected and abandoned to my mother: and what was almost as bad, by the very delay, the first part of the work, upon which my father had spent the most of his pains, was rendered entirely useless,вБ†вЄЇвБ†every day a page or two became of no consequence.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Certainly it was ordained as a scourge upon the pride of human wisdom, That the wisest of us all should thus outwit ourselves, and eternally forego our purposes, in the intemperate act of pursuing them. + 

In short, my father was so long in all his acts of resistance,вБ†вАФor in other words,вБ†вАФhe advanced so very slow with his work, and I began to live and get forwards at such a rate, that if an event had not happened,вБ†вЄЇвБ†which, when we get to it, if it can be told with decency, shall not be concealed a moment from the readerвБ†вЄЇвБ†I verily believe, I had put by my father, and left him drawing a sundial, for no better purpose than to be buried underground. + 

XVII + 

вЄЇвАЩTwas nothing,вБ†вАФI did not lose two drops of blood by itвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвАЩtwas not worth calling in a surgeon, had he lived next door to usвБ†вЄЇвБ†thousands suffer by choice, what I did by accident.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Doctor Slop made ten times more of it, than there was occasion:вБ†вЄЇвБ†some men rise, by the art of hanging great weights upon small wires,вБ†вАФand I am this day (August the 10th, 1761) paying part of the price of this manвАЩs reputation.вБ†вЄЇвБ†O вАЩtwould provoke a stone, to see how things are carried on in this world!вБ†вЄЇвБ†The chambermaid had left no ******* *** under the bed:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Cannot you contrive, master, quoth Susannah, lifting up the sash with one hand, as she spoke, and helping me up into the window-seat with the other,вБ†вАФcannot you manage, my dear, for a single time, to **** *** ** *** ******? + 

I was five years old.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Susannah did not consider that nothing was well hung in our family,вБ†вЄЇвБ†so slap came the sash down like lightning upon us;вБ†вАФNothing is left,вБ†вАФcried Susannah,вБ†вАФnothing is leftвБ†вАФfor me, but to run my country.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs house was a much kinder sanctuary; and so Susannah fled to it. + 

XVIII + 

When Susannah told the corporal the misadventure of the sash, with all the circumstances which attended the murder of me,вБ†вАФ(as she called it)вБ†вАФthe blood forsook his cheeks,вБ†вАФall accessaries in murder being principals,вБ†вАФTrimвАЩs conscience told him he was as much to blame as Susannah,вБ†вАФand if the doctrine had been true, my uncle Toby had as much of the bloodshed to answer for to heaven, as either of вАЩem;вБ†вАФso that neither reason or instinct, separate or together, could possibly have guided SusannahвАЩs steps to so proper an asylum. It is in vain to leave this to the ReaderвАЩs imagination:вБ†вАФto form any kind of hypothesis that will render these propositions feasible, he must cudgel his brains sore,вБ†вАФand to do it without,вБ†вАФhe must have such brains as no reader ever had before him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why should I put them either to trial or to torture? вАЩTis my own affair: IвАЩll explain it myself. + 

XIX + 

вАЩTis a pity, Trim, said my uncle Toby, resting with his hand upon the corporalвАЩs shoulder, as they both stood surveying their works,вБ†вАФthat we have not a couple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge of that new redoubt;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwould secure the lines all along there, and make the attack on that side quite complete:вБ†вЄЇвБ†get me a couple cast, Trim. + 

Your honour shall have them, replied Trim, before tomorrow morning. + 

It was the joy of TrimвАЩs heart,вБ†вАФnor was his fertile head ever at a loss for expedients in doing it, to supply my uncle Toby in his campaigns, with whatever his fancy called for; had it been his last crown, he would have sat down and hammered it into a paderero, to have prevented a single wish in his Master. The corporal had already,вБ†вАФwhat with cutting off the ends of my uncle TobyвАЩs spoutsвБ†вАФhacking and chiseling up the sides of his leaden gutters,вБ†вАФmelting down his pewter shaving-bason,вБ†вАФand going at last, like Lewis the Fourteenth, on to the top of the church, for spare ends, etc.вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had that very campaign brought no less than eight new battering cannons, besides three demi-culverins, into the field; my uncle TobyвАЩs demand for two more pieces for the redoubt, had set the corporal at work again; and no better resource offering, he had taken the two leaden weights from the nursery window: and as the sash pullies, when the lead was gone, were of no kind of use, he had taken them away also, to make a couple of wheels for one of their carriages. + 

He had dismantled every sash-window in my uncle TobyвАЩs house long before, in the very same way,вБ†вАФthough not always in the same order; for sometimes the pullies have been wanted, and not the lead,вБ†вАФso then he began with the pullies,вБ†вАФand the pullies being picked out, then the lead became useless,вБ†вАФand so the lead went to pot too. + 

вЄЇвБ†A great moral might be picked handsomely out of this, but I have not timeвБ†вАФвАЩtis enough to say, wherever the demolition began, вАЩtwas equally fatal to the sash window. + 

XX + 

The corporal had not taken his measures so badly in this stroke of artilleryship, but that he might have kept the matter entirely to himself, and left Susannah to have sustained the whole weight of the attack, as she could;вБ†вАФtrue courage is not content with coming off so.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The corporal, whether as general or comptroller of the train,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas no matter,вБ†вЄЇвБ†had done that, without which, as he imagined, the misfortune could never have happened,вБ†вАФat least in SusannahвАЩs hands;вБ†вЄЇвБ†How would your honours have behaved?вБ†вЄЇвБ†He determined at once, not to take shelter behind Susannah,вБ†вАФbut to give it; and with this resolution upon his mind, he marched upright into the parlour, to lay the whole manoeuvre before my uncle Toby. + 

My uncle Toby had just then been giving Yorick an account of the battle of Steenkirk, and of the strange conduct of count Solmes in ordering the foot to halt, and the horse to march where it could not act; which was directly contrary to the kingвАЩs commands, and proved the loss of the day. + 

There are incidents in some families so pat to the purpose of what is going to follow,вБ†вАФthey are scarce exceeded by the invention of a dramatic writer;вБ†вАФI mean of ancient days.вБ†вЄї + 

Trim, by the help of his forefinger, laid flat upon the table, and the edge of his hand striking across it at right angles, made a shift to tell his story so, that priests and virgins might have listened to it;вБ†вАФand the story being told,вБ†вАФthe dialogue went on as follows. + 

XXI + 

вЄЇвБ†I would be picquetted to death, cried the corporal, as he concluded SusannahвАЩs story, before I would suffer the woman to come to any harm,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas my fault, anвАЩ please your honour,вБ†вАФnot hers. + 

Corporal Trim, replied my uncle Toby, putting on his hat which lay upon the table,вБ†вЄЇвБ†if anything can be said to be a fault, when the service absolutely requires it should be done,вБ†вАФвАЩtis I certainly who deserve the blame,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you obeyed your orders. + 

Had count Solmes, Trim, done the same at the battle of Steenkirk, said Yorick, drolling a little upon the corporal, who had been run over by a dragoon in the retreat,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had saved thee;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Saved! cried Trim, interrupting Yorick, and finishing the sentence for him after his own fashion,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had saved five battalions, anвАЩ please your reverence, every soul of them:вБ†вЄЇвБ†there was CuttsвАЩsвБ†вАФcontinued the corporal, clapping the forefinger of his right hand upon the thumb of his left, and counting round his hand,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there was CuttsвАЩs,вБ†вЄЇвБ†MackayвАЩs,вБ†вЄЇвБ†AngusвАЩs,вБ†вЄЇвБ†GrahamвАЩs,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and LevenвАЩs, all cut to pieces;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so had the English lifeguards too, had it not been for some regiments upon the right, who marched up boldly to their relief, and received the enemyвАЩs fire in their faces, before any one of their own platoons discharged a musket,вБ†вЄЇвБ†theyвАЩll go to heaven for it,вБ†вАФadded Trim.вБ†вАФTrim is right, said my uncle Toby, nodding to Yorick,вБ†вЄЇвБ†heвАЩs perfectly right. What signified his marching the horse, continued the corporal, where the ground was so straight, that the French had such a nation of hedges, and copses, and ditches, and fellвАЩd trees laid this way and that to cover them; (as they always have).вБ†вЄЇвБ†Count Solmes should have sent us,вБ†вЄЇвБ†we would have fired muzzle to muzzle with them for their lives.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There was nothing to be done for the horse:вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had his foot shot off however for his pains, continued the corporal, the very next campaign at Landen.вБ†вАФPoor Trim got his wound there, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwas owing, anвАЩ please your honour, entirely to count Solmes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†had he drubbвАЩd them soundly at Steenkirk, they would not have fought us at Landen.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Possibly not,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim, said my uncle Toby;вБ†вЄЇвБ†though if they have the advantage of a wood, or you give them a momentвАЩs time to intrench themselves, they are a nation which will pop and pop forever at you.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There is no way but to march coolly up to them,вБ†вЄЇвБ†receive their fire, and fall in upon them, pell-mellвБ†вЄЇвБ†Ding dong, added Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Horse and foot, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Helter skelter, said Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Right and left, cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Blood anвАЩ ounds, shouted the corporal;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the battle raged,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Yorick drew his chair a little to one side for safety, and after a momentвАЩs pause, my uncle Toby sinking his voice a note,вБ†вАФresumed the discourse as follows. + 

XXII + 

King William, said my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Yorick, was so terribly provoked at count Solmes for disobeying his orders, that he would not suffer him to come into his presence for many months after.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I fear, answered Yorick, the squire will be as much provoked at the corporal, as the King at the count.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtwould be singularly hard in this case, continued he, if corporal Trim, who has behaved so diametrically opposite to count Solmes, should have the fate to be rewarded with the same disgrace:вБ†вЄЇвБ†too oft in this world, do things take that train.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I would spring a mine, cried my uncle Toby, rising up,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and blow up my fortifications, and my house with them, and we would perish under their ruins, ere I would stand by and see it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim directed a slight,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but a grateful bow towards his master,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so the chapter ends. + 

XXIII + 

вЄЇвБ†Then, Yorick, replied my uncle Toby, you and I will lead the way abreast,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and do you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And Susannah, anвАЩ please your honour, said Trim, shall be put in the rear.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwas an excellent disposition,вБ†вАФand in this order, without either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my uncle TobyвАЩs house to Shandy-hall. + 

вЄЇвБ†I wish, said Trim, as they entered the door,вБ†вАФinstead of the sash weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have done.вБ†вАФYou have cut off spouts enow, replied Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

XXIV + 

As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever in different airs and attitudes,вБ†вАФnot one, or all of them, can ever help the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life.вБ†вАФThere was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by which handle he would take a thing,вБ†вАФit baffled, Sir, all calculations.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The truth was, his road lay so very far on one side, from that wherein most men travelled,вБ†вАФthat every object before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind.вБ†вАФIn other words, вАЩtwas a different object, and in course was differently considered: + 

This is the true reason, that my dear Jenny and I, as well as all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing.вБ†вАФShe looks at her outside,вБ†вАФI, at her inвБ†вАФ. How is it possible we should agree about her value? + 

XXV + 

вАЩTis a point settled,вБ†вАФand I mention it for the comfort of Confucius, who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain storyвБ†вАФthat provided he keeps along the line of his story,вБ†вАФhe may go backwards and forwards as he will,вБ†вАФвАЩtis still held to be no digression. + 

This being premised, I take the benefit of the act of going backwards myself. + 

XXVI + 

Fifty thousand pannier loads of devilsвБ†вАФ(not of the Archbishop of BeneventoвАЩs,вБ†вАФI mean of RabelaisвАЩs devils) with their tails chopped off by their rumps, could not have made so diabolical a scream of it, as I didвБ†вАФwhen the accident befell me: it summoned up my mother instantly into the nursery,вБ†вАФso that Susannah had but just time to make her escape down the back stairs, as my mother came up the fore. + 

Now, though I was old enough to have told the story myself,вБ†вАФand young enough, I hope, to have done it without malignity; yet Susannah, in passing by the kitchen, for fear of accidents, had left it in shorthand with the cookвБ†вАФthe cook had told it with a commentary to Jonathan, and Jonathan to Obadiah; so that by the time my father had rung the bell half a dozen times, to know what was the matter above,вБ†вАФwas Obadiah enabled to give him a particular account of it, just as it had happened.вБ†вАФI thought as much, said my father, tucking up his nightgown;вБ†вАФand so walked upstairs. + 

One would imagine from thisвБ†вЄЇ(though for my own part I somewhat question it)вБ†вАФthat my father, before that time, had actually wrote that remarkable character in the Tristra-paedia, which to me is the most original and entertaining one in the whole book;вБ†вАФand that is the chapter upon sash-windows, with a bitter Philippick at the end of it, upon the forgetfulness of chambermaids.вБ†вАФI have but two reasons for thinking otherwise. + 

First, Had the matter been taken into consideration, before the event happened, my father certainly would have nailed up the sash window for good anвАЩ all;вБ†вАФwhich, considering with what difficulty he composed books,вБ†вАФhe might have done with ten times less trouble, than he could have wrote the chapter: this argument I foresee holds good against his writing a chapter, even after the event; but вАЩtis obviated under the second reason, which I have the honour to offer to the world in support of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon sash-windows and chamberpots, at the time supposed,вБ†вАФand it is this. + 

вЄЇвБ†That, in order to render the Tristra-paedia complete,вБ†вАФI wrote the chapter myself. + 

XXVII + 

My father put on his spectaclesвБ†вАФlooked,вБ†вАФtook them off,вБ†вАФput them into the caseвБ†вАФall in less than a statutable minute; and without opening his lips, turned about and walked precipitately downstairs: my mother imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him return with a couple of folios under his arm, and Obadiah following him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted вАЩtwas an herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might consult upon the case at his ease. + 

вЄЇвБ†If it be but right done,вБ†вАФsaid my father, turning to the SectionвБ†вАФde sede vel subjecto circumcisionis,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for he had brought up Spenser de Legibus Hebraeorum RitualibusвБ†вАФand Maimonides, in order to confront and examine us altogether.вБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†If it be but right done, quoth he:вБ†вАФonly tell us, cried my mother, interrupting him, what herbs?вБ†вЄЇвБ†For that, replied my father, you must send for Dr.¬†Slop. + 

My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as follows, + 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * вЄїVery well,вБ†вАФsaid my father, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *вБ†вАФnay, if it has that convenienceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and so without stopping a moment to settle it first in his mind, whether the Jews had it from the Egyptians, or the Egyptians from the Jews,вБ†вАФhe rose up, and rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the palm of his hand, in the manner we rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has trod lighter upon us than we foreboded,вБ†вАФhe shut the book, and walked downstairs.вБ†вАФNay, said he, mentioning the name of a different great nation upon every step as he set his foot upon itвБ†вАФif the Egyptians,вБ†вАФthe Syrians,вБ†вАФthe Phoenicians,вБ†вАФthe Arabians,вБ†вАФthe Cappadocians,вБ†вЄЇвБ†if the Colchi, and Troglodytes did itвБ†вЄЇвБ†if Solon and Pythagoras submitted,вБ†вАФwhat is Tristram?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Who am I, that I should fret or fume one moment about the matter? + 

XXVIII + 

Dear Yorick, said my father, smiling (for Yorick had broke his rank with my uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stepped first into the parlour)вБ†вАФthis Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites.вБ†вАФNever was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.вБ†вАФBut he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick.вБ†вАФThere has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.вБ†вАФThat, you are a better judge of than I, replied Yorick.вБ†вАФAstrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:вБ†вАФthe trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,вБ†вАФor the opposite of their ascendants have not hit it, as they should,вБ†вАФor the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep,вБ†вАФor something has been wrong above, or below with us. + 

вАЩTis possible, answered Yorick.вБ†вАФBut is the child, cried my uncle Toby, the worse?вБ†вАФThe Troglodytes say not, replied my father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell usвБ†вАФTheologically? said Yorick,вБ†вАФor speaking after the manner of apothecaries?вБ†вАФstatesmen?вБ†вАФor washerwomen? + 

вЄЇвБ†IвАЩm not sure, replied my father,вБ†вАФbut they tell us, brother Toby, heвАЩs the better for it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Provided, said Yorick, you travel him into Egypt.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabick to me.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish, said Yorick, вАЩtwas so, to half the world. + 

вЄЇвБ†Ilus, continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning.вБ†вАФNot without a court martial? cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle TobyвАЩs remark, but turning to Yorick,вБ†вАФare greatly divided still who Ilus was;вБ†вАФsome say Saturn;вБ†вАФsome the Supreme Being;вБ†вАФothers, no more than a brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Let him be who he will, said my uncle Toby, I know not by what article of war he could justify it. + 

The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it:вБ†вАФothers, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shown the world the futility of the greatest part of them.вБ†вАФBut then again, our best polemic divinesвБ†вАФI wish there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the kingdom;вБ†вАФone ounce of practical divinityвБ†вАФis worth a painted shipload of all their reverences have imported these fifty years.вБ†вАФPray, Mr.¬†Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФdo tell me what a polemic divine is?вБ†вЄЇвБ†The best description, captain Shandy, I have ever read, is of a couple of вАЩem, replied Yorick, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I have in my pocket.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby earnestly.вБ†вАФYou shall, said Yorick.вБ†вАФAnd as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,вБ†вАФand I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper,вБ†вАФI beg, brother, youвАЩll give him leave to come in.вБ†вАФWith all my soul, said my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows. + 

XXIX + 

вЄЇвАЬwhich words being heard by all the soldiers which were there, divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room for the assailant: all this did Gymnast very well remark and consider; and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the saddle, standing upright, with his back turned towards his horseвАЩs head,вБ†вАФNow (said he) my case goes forward. Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left-hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into his former position, without missing one jot.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Ha! said Tripet, I will not do that at this time,вБ†вАФand not without cause. Well, said Gymnast, I have failed,вБ†вАФI will undo this leap; then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right-hand, he fetched another frisking gambol as before; which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the air, poising and upholding his whole weight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything, he brought himself betwixt the horseвАЩs two ears, and then giving himself a jerking swing, he seated himself upon the crupperвБ†вЄЇвАЭ + 

(This canвАЩt be fighting, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The corporal shook his head at it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Have patience, said Yorick.) + 

вАЬThen (Tripet) passвАЩd his right leg over his saddle, and placed himself en croup.вБ†вАФBut, said he, вАЩtwere better for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and strait found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat; then springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him about like a windmill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas.вАЭвБ†вАФGood God! cried Trim, losing all patience,вБ†вАФone home thrust of a bayonet is worth it all.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I think so too, replied Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father. + 

XXX + 

вЄЇвБ†No,вБ†вАФI think I have advanced nothing, replied my father, making answer to a question which Yorick had taken the liberty to put to him,вБ†вАФI have advanced nothing in the Tristra-paedia, but what is as clear as any one proposition in Euclid.вБ†вАФReach me, Trim, that book from off the scrutoir:вБ†вЄЇвБ†it has ofttimes been in my mind, continued my father, to have read it over both to you, Yorick, and to my brother Toby, and I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done it long ago:вБ†вЄЇвБ†shall we have a short chapter or two now,вБ†вАФand a chapter or two hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get through the whole? My uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeisance which was proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at the same time.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The company smiled. Trim, quoth my father, has paid the full price for staying out the entertainment.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He did not seem to relish the play, replied Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwas a Tomfool-battle, anвАЩ please your reverence, of captain TripetвАЩs and that other officer, making so many summersets, as they advanced;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the French come on capering now and then in that way,вБ†вАФbut not quite so much. + 

My uncle Toby never felt the consciousness of his existence with more complacency than what the corporalвАЩs, and his own reflections, made him do at that moment;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he lighted his pipe,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Yorick drew his chair closer to the table,вБ†вАФTrim snuffвАЩd the candle,вБ†вАФmy father stirrвАЩd up the fire,вБ†вАФtook up the book,вБ†вАФcoughвАЩd twice, and begun. + 

XXXI + 

The first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the leaves,вБ†вАФare a little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the subject,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for the present weвАЩll pass them by: вАЩtis a prefatory introduction, continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I am not determined which name to give it) upon political or civil government; the foundation of which being laid in the first conjunction betwixt male and female, for procreation of the speciesвБ†вЄЇвБ†I was insensibly led into it.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwas natural, said Yorick. + 

The original of society, continued my father, IвАЩm satisfied is, what Politian tells us, i.e., merely conjugal; and nothing more than the getting together of one man and one woman;вБ†вАФto which, (according to Hesiod) the philosopher adds a servant:вБ†вЄЇвБ†but supposing in the first beginning there were no men servants bornвБ†вЄЇвБ†he lays the foundation of it, in a man,вБ†вАФa womanвБ†вАФand a bull.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I believe вАЩtis an ox, quoth Yorick, quoting the passage (ќњбЉґќЇќњќљ ќЉбљ≤ќљ ѕАѕБѕОѕДќєѕГѕДќ±, ќ≥ѕЕќљќ±бњЦќЇќ± ѕДќµ, ќ≤ќњбњ¶ќљ ѕДвАЩ бЉАѕБќњѕДбњЖѕБќ±).вБ†вЄЇвБ†A bull must have given more trouble than his head was worth.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But there is a better reason still, said my father (dipping his pen into his ink); for the ox being the most patient of animals, and the most useful withal in tilling the ground for their nourishment,вБ†вАФwas the properest instrument, and emblem too, for the new joined couple, that the creation could have associated with them.вБ†вАФAnd there is a stronger reason, added my uncle Toby, than them all for the ox.вБ†вАФMy father had not power to take his pen out of his ink-horn, till he had heard my uncle TobyвАЩs reason.вБ†вАФFor when the ground was tilled, said my uncle Toby, and made worth enclosing, then they began to secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of fortification.вБ†вЄЇвБ†True, true, dear Toby, cried my father, striking out the bull, and putting the ox in his place. + 

My father gave Trim a nod, to snuff the candle, and resumed his discourse. + 

вЄЇвБ†I enter upon this speculation, said my father carelessly, and half shutting the book, as he went on, merely to show the foundation of the natural relation between a father and his child; the right and jurisdiction over whom he acquires these several waysвБ†вАФ + 

1st, by marriage. + 

2nd, by adoption. + 

3rd, by legitimation. + 

And 4th, by procreation; all which I consider in their order. + 

I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied YorickвБ†вЄЇвБ†the act, especially where it ends there, in my opinion lays as little obligation upon the child, as it conveys power to the father.вБ†вАФYou are wrong,вБ†вАФsaid my father argutely, and for this plain reason* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * вАФI own, added my father, that the offspring, upon this account, is not so under the power and jurisdiction of the mother.вБ†вАФBut the reason, replied Yorick, equally holds good for her.вБ†вЄЇвБ†She is under authority herself, said my father:вБ†вАФand besides, continued my father, nodding his head, and laying his finger upon the side of his nose, as he assigned his reason,вБ†вАФshe is not the principal agent, Yorick.вБ†вАФIn what, quoth my uncle Toby? stopping his pipe.вБ†вАФThough by all means, added my father (not attending to my uncle Toby) вАЬThe son ought to pay her respect,вАЭ as you may read, Yorick, at large in the first book of the Institutes of Justinian, at the eleventh title and the tenth section,вБ†вАФI can read it as well, replied Yorick, in the Catechism. + 

XXXII + 

Trim can repeat every word of it by heart, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФPugh! said my father, not caring to be interrupted with TrimвАЩs saying his Catechism. He can, upon my honour, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФAsk him, Mr.¬†Yorick, any question you please.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФThe fifth Commandment, TrimвБ†вАФsaid Yorick, speaking mildly, and with a gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen. The corporal stood silent.вБ†вАФYou donвАЩt ask him right, said my uncle Toby, raising his voice, and giving it rapidly like the word of command:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The fifthвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФI must begin with the first, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФYorick could not forbear smiling.вБ†вАФYour reverence does not consider, said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a musket, and marching into the middle of the room, to illustrate his position,вБ†вАФthat вАЩtis exactly the same thing, as doing oneвАЩs exercise in the field.вБ†вАФ + 

вАЬJoin your right-hand to your firelock,вАЭ cried the corporal, giving the word of command, and performing the motion.вБ†вАФ + 

вАЬPoise your firelock,вАЭ cried the corporal, doing the duty still both of adjutant and private man. + 

вАЬRest your firelock;вАЭвБ†вАФone motion, anвАЩ please your reverence, you see leads into another.вБ†вАФIf his honour will begin but with the firstвБ†вАФ + 

The firstвБ†вАФcried my uncle Toby, setting his hand upon his sideвБ†вАФ* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ¬† + 

The secondвБ†вАФcried my uncle Toby, waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would have done his sword at the head of a regiment.вБ†вАФThe corporal went through his manual with exactness! and having honoured his father and mother, made a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room. + 

Everything in this world, said my father, is big with jest,вБ†вАФand has wit in it, and instruction too,вБ†вАФif we can but find it out. + 

вАФHere is the scaffold work of Instruction, its true point of folly, without the building behind it. + 

вАФHere is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors, governors, gerund-grinders, and bear-leaders, to view themselves in, in their true dimensions.вБ†вАФ + 

Oh! there is a husk and shell, Yorick, which grows up with learning, which their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away! + 

вАФSciences may be learned by rote, but Wisdom not. + 

Yorick thought my father inspired.вБ†вАФI will enter into obligations this moment, said my father, to lay out all my aunt DinahвАЩs legacy in charitable uses (of which, by the by, my father had no high opinion), if the corporal has any one determinate idea annexed to any one word he has repeated.вБ†вАФPrithee, Trim, quoth my father, turning round to him,вБ†вАФWhat dost thou mean, by вАЬhonouring thy father and mother?вАЭ + 

Allowing them, anвАЩ please your honour, three halfpence a day out of my pay, when they grow old.вБ†вАФAnd didst thou do that, Trim? said Yorick.вБ†вАФHe did indeed, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФThen, Trim, said Yorick, springing out of his chair, and taking the corporal by the hand, thou art the best commentator upon that part of the Decalogue; and I honour thee more for it, corporal Trim, than if thou hadst had a hand in the Talmud itself. + 

XXXIII + 

O blessed health! cried my father, making an exclamation, as he turned over the leaves to the next chapter, thou art above all gold and treasure; вАЩtis thou who enlargest the soul,вБ†вАФand openest all its powers to receive instruction and to relish virtue.вБ†вАФHe that has thee, has little more to wish for;вБ†вАФand he that is so wretched as to want thee,вБ†вАФwants everything with thee. + 

I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important head, said my father, into a very little room, therefore weвАЩll read the chapter quite through. + 

My father read as follows: + 

вАЬThe whole secret of health depending upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moistureвАЭвБ†вАФYou have proved that matter of fact, I suppose, above, said Yorick. Sufficiently, replied my father. + 

In saying this, my father shut the book,вБ†вАФnot as if he resolved to read no more of it, for he kept his forefinger in the chapter:вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor pettishly,вБ†вАФfor he shut the book slowly; his thumb resting, when he had done it, upon the upper-side of the cover, as his three fingers supported the lower side of it, without the least compressive violence.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I have demonstrated the truth of that point, quoth my father, nodding to Yorick, most sufficiently in the preceding chapter. + 

Now could the man in the moon be told, that a man in the earth had wrote a chapter, sufficiently demonstrating, That the secret of all health depended upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture,вБ†вАФand that he had managed the point so well, that there was not one single word wet or dry upon radical heat or radical moisture, throughout the whole chapter,вБ†вАФor a single syllable in it, pro or con, directly or indirectly, upon the contention betwixt these two powers in any part of the animal ≈УconomyвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬO thou eternal Maker of all beings!вАЭвБ†вАФhe would cry, striking his breast with his right hand (in case he had one)вБ†вАФвАЬThou whose power and goodness can enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to this infinite degree of excellence and perfection,вБ†вАФWhat have we Moonites done?вАЭ + 

XXXIV + 

With two strokes, the one at Hippocrates, the other at Lord Verulam, did my father achieve it. + 

The stroke at the prince of physicians, with which he began, was no more than a short insult upon his sorrowful complaint of the Ars longa,вБ†вАФand Vita brevis.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Life short, cried my father,вБ†вАФand the art of healing tedious! And who are we to thank for both the one and the other, but the ignorance of quacks themselves,вБ†вАФand the stage-loads of chymical nostrums, and peripatetic lumber, with which, in all ages, they have first flatterвАЩd the world, and at last deceived it? + 

вЄЇвБ†O my lord Verulam! cried my father, turning from Hippocrates, and making his second stroke at him, as the principal of nostrum-mongers, and the fittest to be made an example of to the rest,вБ†вЄЇвБ†What shall I say to thee, my great lord Verulam? What shall I say to thy internal spirit,вБ†вАФthy opium,вБ†вАФthy saltpetre,вБ†вЄЇвБ†thy greasy unctions,вБ†вАФthy daily purges,вБ†вАФthy nightly clysters, and succedaneums? + 

вЄЇвБ†My father was never at a loss what to say to any man, upon any subject; and had the least occasion for the exordium of any man breathing: how he dealt with his lordshipвАЩs opinion,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you shall see;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but whenвБ†вАФI know not;вБ†вЄЇвБ†we must first see what his lordshipвАЩs opinion was. + 

XXXV + 

вАЬThe two great causes, which conspire with each other to shorten life, says lord Verulam, are firstвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬThe internal spirit, which, like a gentle flame, wastes the body down to death:вБ†вАФAnd secondly, the external air, that parches the body up to ashes:вБ†вАФwhich two enemies attacking us on both sides of our bodies together, at length destroy our organs, and render them unfit to carry on the functions of life.вАЭ + 

This being the state of the case, the road to Longevity was plain; nothing more being required, says his lordship, but to repair the waste committed by the internal spirit, by making the substance of it more thick and dense, by a regular course of opiates on one side, and by refrigerating the heat of it on the other, by three grains and a half of saltpetre every morning before you got up.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Still this frame of ours was left exposed to the inimical assaults of the air without;вБ†вАФbut this was fenced off again by a course of greasy unctions, which so fully saturated the pores of the skin, that no spicula could enter;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor could any one get out.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This put a stop to all perspiration, sensible and insensible, which being the cause of so many scurvy distempersвБ†вАФa course of clysters was requisite to carry off redundant humours,вБ†вАФand render the system complete. + 

What my father had to say to my lord of VerulamвАЩs opiates, his saltpetre, and greasy unctions and clysters, you shall read,вБ†вАФbut not todayвБ†вАФor tomorrow: time presses upon me,вБ†вАФmy reader is impatientвБ†вАФI must get forwards.вБ†вЄЇвБ†You shall read the chapter at your leisure (if you choose it), as soon as ever the Tristra-paedia is published.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Sufficeth it at present, to say, my father levelled the hypothesis with the ground, and in doing that, the learned know, he built up and established his own.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

XXXVI + 

The whole secret of health, said my father, beginning the sentence again, depending evidently upon the due contention betwixt the radical heat and radical moisture within us;вБ†вАФthe least imaginable skill had been sufficient to have maintained it, had not the schoolmen confounded the talk, merely (as¬†Van Helmont, the famous chymist, has proved) by all along mistaking the radical moisture for the tallow and fat of animal bodies. + 

Now the radical moisture is not the tallow or fat of animals, but an oily and balsamous substance; for the fat and tallow, as also the phlegm or watery parts, are cold; whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of a lively heat and spirit, which accounts for the observation of Aristotle, вАЬQuod omne animal post coitum est triste.вАЭ + 

Now it is certain, that the radical heat lives in the radical moisture, but whether vice versa, is a doubt: however, when the one decays, the other decays also; and then is produced, either an unnatural heat, which causes an unnatural drynessвБ†вЄЇвБ†or an unnatural moisture, which causes dropsies.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So that if a child, as he grows up, can but be taught to avoid running into fire or water, as either of вАЩem threaten his destruction,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwill be all that is needful to be done upon that head.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

XXXVII + 

The description of the siege of Jericho itself, could not have engaged the attention of my uncle Toby more powerfully than the last chapter;вБ†вАФhis eyes were fixed upon my father throughout it;вБ†вАФhe never mentioned radical heat and radical moisture, but my uncle Toby took his pipe out of his mouth, and shook his head; and as soon as the chapter was finished, he beckoned to the corporal to come close to his chair, to ask him the following question,вБ†вАФaside.вБ†вЄЇвБ†* * * * * * * * * It was at the siege of Limerick, anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal, making a bow. + 

The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to my father, were scarce able to crawl out of our tents, at the time the siege of Limerick was raised, upon the very account you mention.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now what can have got into that precious noddle of thine, my dear brother Toby? cried my father, mentally.вБ†вЄЇвБ†By Heaven! continued he, communing still with himself, it would puzzle an Oedipus to bring it in point.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I believe, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth the corporal, that if it had not been for the quantity of brandy we set fire to every night, and the claret and cinnamon with which I plyed your honour off;вБ†вАФAnd the geneva, Trim, added my uncle Toby, which did us more good than allвБ†вЄЇвБ†I verily believe, continued the corporal, we had both, anвАЩ please your honour, left our lives in the trenches, and been buried in them too.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The noblest grave, corporal! cried my uncle Toby, his eyes sparkling as he spoke, that a soldier could wish to lie down in.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But a pitiful death for him! anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal. + 

All this was as much Arabick to my father, as the rites of the Colchi and Troglodites had been before to my uncle Toby; my father could not determine whether he was to frown or to smile.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle Toby, turning to Yorick, resumed the case at Limerick, more intelligibly than he had begun it,вБ†вАФand so settled the point for my father at once. + 

XXXVIII + 

It was undoubtedly, said my uncle Toby, a great happiness for myself and the corporal, that we had all along a burning fever, attended with a most raging thirst, during the whole five-and-twenty days the flux was upon us in the camp; otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisture, must, as I conceive it, inevitably have got the better.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father drew in his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, blew it forth again, as slowly as he possibly could.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄїIt was HeavenвАЩs mercy to us, continued my uncle Toby, which put it into the corporalвАЩs head to maintain that due contention betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture, by reinforcing the fever, as he did all along, with hot wine and spices; whereby the corporal kept up (as it were) a continual firing, so that the radical heat stood its ground from the beginning to the end, and was a fair match for the moisture, terrible as it was.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Upon my honour, added my uncle Toby, you might have heard the contention within our bodies, brother Shandy, twenty toises.вБ†вАФIf there was no firing, said Yorick. + 

WellвБ†вАФsaid my father, with a full aspiration, and pausing a while after the wordвБ†вАФWas I a judge, and the laws of the country which made me one permitted it, I would condemn some of the worst malefactors, provided they had had their clergyвБ†вЄївЄїYorick, foreseeing the sentence was likely to end with no sort of mercy, laid his hand upon my fatherвАЩs breast, and begged he would respite it for a few minutes, till he asked the corporal a question.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Prithee, Trim, said Yorick, without staying for my fatherвАЩs leave,вБ†вАФtell us honestlyвБ†вАФwhat is thy opinion concerning this selfsame radical heat and radical moisture? + 

With humble submission to his honourвАЩs better judgment, quoth the corporal, making a bow to my uncle TobyвБ†вАФSpeak thy opinion freely, corporal, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФThe poor fellow is my servant,вБ†вАФnot my slave,вБ†вАФadded my uncle Toby, turning to my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his stick hanging upon the wrist of it, by a black thong split into a tassel about the knot, he marched up to the ground where he had performed his catechism; then touching his under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of his right-hand before he opened his mouth,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he delivered his notion thus. + 

XXXIX + 

Just as the corporal was humming, to beginвБ†вАФin waddled Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФвАЩTis not twopence matterвБ†вАФthe corporal shall go on in the next chapter, let who will come in.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for the transitions of his passions were unaccountably sudden,вБ†вАФand what has this whelp of mine to say to the matter? + 

Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a puppy-dogвБ†вАФhe could not have done it in a more careless air: the system which Dr.¬†Slop had laid down, to treat the accident by, no way allowed of such a mode of enquiry.вБ†вАФHe sat down. + 

Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a manner which could not go unanswered,вБ†вАФin what condition is the boy?вБ†вАФвАЩTwill end in a phimosis, replied Dr.¬†Slop. + 

I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle TobyвБ†вАФreturning his pipe into his mouth.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Then let the corporal go on, said my father, with his medical lecture.вБ†вАФThe corporal made a bow to his old friend, Dr.¬†Slop, and then delivered his opinion concerning radical heat and radical moisture, in the following words. + 

XL + 

The city of Limerick, the siege of which was begun under his majesty king William himself, the year after I went into the armyвБ†вАФlies, anвАЩ please your honours, in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy country.вБ†вАФвАЩTis quite surrounded, said my uncle Toby, with the Shannon, and is, by its situation, one of the strongest fortified places in Ireland.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, of beginning a medical lecture.вБ†вАФвАЩTis all true, answered Trim.вБ†вАФThen I wish the faculty would follow the cut of it, said Yorick.вБ†вАФвАЩTis all cut through, anвАЩ please your reverence, said the corporal, with drains and bogs; and besides, there was such a quantity of rain fell during the siege, the whole country was like a puddle,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas that, and nothing else, which brought on the flux, and which had like to have killed both his honour and myself; now there was no such thing, after the first ten days, continued the corporal, for a soldier to lie dry in his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to draw off the water;вБ†вАФnor was that enough, for those who could afford it, as his honour could, without setting fire every night to a pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the damp of the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as a stove.вБ†вЄї + 

And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal Trim, cried my father, from all these premises? + 

I infer, anвАЩ please your worship, replied Trim, that the radical moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-waterвБ†вАФand that the radical heat, of those who can go to the expense of it, is burnt brandy,вБ†вАФthe radical heat and moisture of a private man, anвАЩ please your honour, is nothing but ditch-waterвБ†вАФand a dram of genevaвБ†вЄЇвБ†and give us but enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the vapoursвБ†вАФwe know not what it is to fear death. + 

I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, to determine in which branch of learning your servant shines most, whether in physiology or divinity.вБ†вАФSlop had not forgot TrimвАЩs comment upon the sermon.вБ†вАФ + 

It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, since the corporal was examined in the latter, and passвАЩd muster with great honour.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

The radical heat and moisture, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, turning to my father, you must know, is the basis and foundation of our beingвБ†вАФas the root of a tree is the source and principle of its vegetation.вБ†вАФIt is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved sundry ways, but principally in my opinion by consubstantials, impriments, and occludents.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now this poor fellow, continued Dr.¬†Slop, pointing to the corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some superficial empiric discourse upon this nice point.вБ†вЄЇвБ†That he has,вБ†вАФsaid my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Very likely, said my uncle.вБ†вАФIвАЩm sure of itвБ†вАФquoth Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

XLI + 

Doctor Slop being called out to look at a cataplasm he had ordered, it gave my father an opportunity of going on with another chapter in the Tristra-paedia.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Come! cheer up, my lads; IвАЩll show you landвБ†вЄїfor when we have tugged through that chapter, the book shall not be opened again this twelvemonth.вБ†вАФHuzza!вБ†вАФ + 

XLII + 

вЄЇвБ†Five years with a bib under his chin; + 

Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to Malachi; + 

A year and a half in learning to write his own name; + 

Seven long years and more ѕДѕЕѕАѕДѕЙ-ing it, at Greek and Latin; + 

Four years at his probations and his negationsвБ†вАФthe fine statue still lying in the middle of the marble block,вБ†вАФand nothing done, but his tools sharpened to hew it out!вБ†вАФвАЩTis a piteous delay!вБ†вАФWas not the great Julius Scaliger within an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all?вБ†вЄїForty-four years old was he before he could manage his Greek;вБ†вАФand Peter Damianus, lord bishop of Ostia, as all the world knows, could not so much as read, when he was of manвАЩs estate.вБ†вАФAnd Baldus himself, as eminent as he turned out after, entered upon the law so late in life, that everybody imagined he intended to be an advocate in the other world: no wonder, when Eudamidas, the son of Archidamas, heard Xenocrates at seventy-five disputing about wisdom, that he asked gravely,вБ†вАФIf the old man be yet disputing and enquiring concerning wisdom,вБ†вАФwhat time will he have to make use of it? + 

Yorick listened to my father with great attention; there was a seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims, and he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses, as almost atoned for them:вБ†вАФbe wary, Sir, when you imitate him. + 

I am convinced, Yorick, continued my father, half reading and half discoursing, that there is a Northwest passage to the intellectual world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work, in furnishing itself with knowledge and instruction, than we generally take with it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But, alack! all fields have not a river or a spring running besides them;вБ†вАФevery child, Yorick, has not a parent to point it out. + 

вЄЇвБ†The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a low voice, upon the auxiliary verbs, Mr.¬†Yorick. + 

Had Yorick trod upon VirgilвАЩs snake, he could not have looked more surprised.вБ†вАФI am surprised too, cried my father, observing it,вБ†вАФand I reckon it as one of the greatest calamities which ever befell the republic of letters, That those who have been entrusted with the education of our children, and whose business it was to open their minds, and stock them early with ideas, in order to set the imagination loose upon them, have made so little use of the auxiliary verbs in doing it, as they have doneвБ†вЄЇвБ†So that, except Raymond Lullius, and the elder Pelegrini, the last of which arrived to such perfection in the use of вАЩem, with his topics, that, in a few lessons, he could teach a young gentleman to discourse with plausibility upon any subject, pro and con, and to say and write all that could be spoken or written concerning it, without blotting a word, to the admiration of all who beheld him.вБ†вАФI should be glad, said Yorick, interrupting my father, to be made to comprehend this matter. You shall, said my father. + 

The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a high metaphor,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for which, in my opinion, the idea is generally the worse, and not the better;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but be that as it may,вБ†вАФwhen the mind has done that with itвБ†вАФthere is an end,вБ†вАФthe mind and the idea are at rest,вБ†вАФuntil a second idea enters;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so on. + 

Now the use of the Auxiliaries is, at once to set the soul a-going by herself upon the materials as they are brought her; and by the versability of this great engine, round which they are twisted, to open new tracts of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions. + 

You excite my curiosity greatly, said Yorick. + 

For my own part, quoth my uncle Toby, I have given it up.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The Danes, anвАЩ please your honour, quoth the corporal, who were on the left at the siege of Limerick, were all auxiliaries.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And very good ones, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФBut the auxiliaries, Trim, my brother is talking about,вБ†вАФI conceive to be different things.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†You do? said my father, rising up. + 

XLIII + 

My father took a single turn across the room, then sat down, and finished the chapter. + 

The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here, continued my father, are, am; was; have; had; do; did; make; made; suffer; shall; should; will; would; can; could; owe; ought; used; or is wont.вБ†вАФAnd these varied with tenses, present, past, future, and conjugated with the verb see,вБ†вАФor with these questions added to them;вБ†вАФIs it? Was it? Will it be? Would it be? May it be? Might it be? And these again put negatively, Is it not? Was it not? Ought it not?вБ†вАФOr affirmatively,вБ†вАФIt is; It was; It ought to be. Or chronologically,вБ†вАФHas it been always? Lately? How long ago?вБ†вАФOr hypothetically,вБ†вАФIf it was? If it was not? What would follow?вБ†вЄЇвБ†If the French should beat the English? If the Sun go out of the Zodiac? + 

Now, by the right use and application of these, continued my father, in which a childвАЩs memory should be exercised, there is no one idea can enter his brain, how barren soever, but a magazine of conceptions and conclusions may be drawn forth from it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Didst thou ever see a white bear? cried my father, turning his head round to Trim, who stood at the back of his chair:вБ†вАФNo, anвАЩ please your honour, replied the corporal.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But thou couldst discourse about one, Trim, said my father, in case of need?вБ†вАФHow is it possible, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, if the corporal never saw one?вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis the fact I want, replied my father,вБ†вАФand the possibility of it is as follows. + 

A white bear! Very well. Have I ever seen one? Might I ever have seen one? Am I ever to see one? Ought I ever to have seen one? Or can I ever see one? + 

Would I had seen a white bear! (for how can I imagine it?) + 

If I should see a white bear, what would I say? If I should never see a white bear, what then? + 

If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear alive; have I ever seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one painted?вБ†вАФdescribed? Have I never dreamed of one? + 

Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters, ever see a white bear? What would they give? How would they behave? How would the white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough? Smooth? + 

вАФIs the white bear worth seeing?вБ†вАФ + 

вАФIs there no sin in it?вБ†вАФ + 

Is it better than a black one? + 