Book + 

VI + 

I + 

вЄЇвБ†WeвАЩll not stop two moments, my dear Sir,вБ†вАФonly, as we have got through these five volumes, (do, Sir, sit down upon a setвБ†вЄЇвБ†they are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have passвАЩd through.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†What a wilderness has it been! and what a mercy that we have not both of us been lost, or devoured by wild beasts in it! + 

Did you think the world itself, Sir, had contained such a number of Jack Asses?вБ†вЄЇвБ†How they viewвАЩd and reviewвАЩd us as we passed over the rivulet at the bottom of that little valley!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and when we climbed over that hill, and were just getting out of sightвБ†вАФgood God! what a braying did they all set up together! + 

вЄЇвБ†Prithee, shepherd! who keeps all those Jack Asses? * * * + 

вЄЇвБ†Heaven be their comforterвБ†вЄЇвБ†What! are they never curried?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Are they never taken in in winter?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Bray brayвБ†вАФbray. Bray on,вБ†вАФthe world is deeply your debtor;вБ†вЄЇвБ†louder stillвБ†вАФthatвАЩs nothing:вБ†вАФin good sooth, you are ill-used:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Was I a Jack Asse, I solemnly declare, I would bray in G-fol-re-ut from morning, even unto night. + 

II + 

When my father had danced his white bear backwards and forwards through half a dozen pages, he closed the book for good anвАЩ all,вБ†вАФand in a kind of triumph redelivered it into TrimвАЩs hand, with a nod to lay it upon the вАЩscrutoire, where he found it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tristram, said he, shall be made to conjugate every word in the dictionary, backwards and forwards the same way;вБ†вЄЇвБ†every word, Yorick, by this means, you see, is converted into a thesis or an hypothesis;вБ†вАФevery thesis and hypothesis have an offspring of propositions;вБ†вАФand each proposition has its own consequences and conclusions; every one of which leads the mind on again, into fresh tracks of enquiries and doubtings.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The force of this engine, added my father, is incredible in opening a childвАЩs head.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis enough, brother Shandy, cried my uncle Toby, to burst it into a thousand splinters.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I presume, said Yorick, smiling,вБ†вАФit must be owing to this,вБ†вЄЇ(for let logicians say what they will, it is not to be accounted for sufficiently from the bare use of the ten predicaments)вБ†вЄЇвБ†That the famous Vincent Quirino, amongst the many other astonishing feats of his childhood, of which the Cardinal Bembo has given the world so exact a story,вБ†вАФshould be able to paste up in the public schools at Rome, so early as in the eighth year of his age, no less than four thousand five hundred and fifty different theses, upon the most abstruse points of the most abstruse theology;вБ†вАФand to defend and maintain them in such sort, as to cramp and dumbfound his opponents.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What is that, cried my father, to what is told us of Alphonsus Tostatus, who, almost in his nurseвАЩs arms, learned all the sciences and liberal arts without being taught any one of them?вБ†вЄЇвБ†What shall we say of the great Piereskius?вБ†вАФThatвАЩs the very man, cried my uncle Toby, I once told you of, brother Shandy, who walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from Paris to Shevling, and from Shevling back again, merely to see StevinusвАЩs flying chariot.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He was a very great man! added my uncle Toby (meaning Stevinus)вБ†вАФHe was so, brother Toby, said my father (meaning Piereskius)вБ†вЄЇвБ†and had multiplied his ideas so fast, and increased his knowledge to such a prodigious stock, that, if we may give credit to an anecdote concerning him, which we cannot withhold here, without shaking the authority of all anecdotes whateverвБ†вАФat seven years of age, his father committed entirely to his care the education of his younger brother, a boy of five years old,вБ†вАФwith the sole management of all his concerns.вБ†вАФWas the father as wise as the son? quoth my uncle Toby:вБ†вАФI should think not, said Yorick:вБ†вАФBut what are these, continued my fatherвБ†вАФ(breaking out in a kind of enthusiasm)вБ†вАФwhat are these, to those prodigies of childhood in Grotius, Scioppius, Heinsius, Politian, Pascal, Joseph Scaliger, Ferdinand de Cordou√®, and othersвБ†вАФsome of which left off their substantial forms at nine years old, or sooner, and went on reasoning without them;вБ†вАФothers went through their classics at seven;вБ†вАФwrote tragedies at eight;вБ†вАФFerdinand de Cordou√® was so wise at nine,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas thought the Devil was in him;вБ†вАФand at Venice gave such proofs of his knowledge and goodness, that the monks imagined he was Antichrist, or nothing.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Others were masters of fourteen languages at ten,вБ†вАФfinished the course of their rhetoric, poetry, logic, and ethics, at eleven,вБ†вАФput forth their commentaries upon Servius and Martianus Capella at twelve,вБ†вАФand at thirteen received their degrees in philosophy, laws, and divinity:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But you forget the great Lipsius, quoth Yorick, who composed a work the day he was born:вБ†вЄЇвБ†They should have wiped it up, said my uncle Toby, and said no more about it. + 

III + 

When the cataplasm was ready, a scruple of decorum had unseasonably rose up in SusannahвАЩs conscience about holding the candle, whilst Slop tied it on; Slop had not treated SusannahвАЩs distemper with anodynes,вБ†вАФand so a quarrel had ensued betwixt them. + 

вЄЇвБ†Oh! oh!вБ†вЄЇвБ†said Slop, casting a glance of undue freedom in SusannahвАЩs face, as she declined the office;вБ†вЄЇвБ†then, I think I know you, madamвБ†вЄЇвБ†You know me, Sir! cried Susannah fastidiously, and with a toss of her head, levelled evidently, not at his profession, but at the doctor himself,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you know me! cried Susannah again.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Doctor Slop clapped his finger and his thumb instantly upon his nostrils;вБ†вЄЇвБ†SusannahвАЩs spleen was ready to burst at it;вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis false, said Susannah.вБ†вАФCome, come, Mrs.¬†Modesty, said Slop, not a little elated with the success of his last thrust,вБ†вЄЇвБ†If you wonвАЩt hold the candle, and lookвБ†вАФyou may hold it and shut your eyes:вБ†вАФThatвАЩs one of your popish shifts, cried Susannah:вБ†вАФвАЩTis better, said Slop, with a nod, than no shift at all, young woman;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I defy you, Sir, cried Susannah, pulling her shift sleeve below her elbow. + 

It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a surgical case with a more splenetic cordiality. + 

Slop snatched up the cataplasm,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Susannah snatched up the candle;вБ†вЄЇвБ†a little this way, said Slop; Susannah looking one way, and rowing another, instantly set fire to SlopвАЩs wig, which being somewhat bushy and unctuous withal, was burnt out before it was well kindled.вБ†вЄїYou impudent whore! cried Slop,вБ†вАФ(for what is passion, but a wild beast?)вБ†вАФyou impudent whore, cried Slop, getting upright, with the cataplasm in his hand;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never was the destruction of anybodyвАЩs nose, said Susannah,вБ†вАФwhich is more than you can say:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Is it? cried Slop, throwing the cataplasm in her face;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Yes, it is, cried Susannah, returning the compliment with what was left in the pan. + 

IV + 

Doctor Slop and Susannah filed crossbills against each other in the parlour; which done, as the cataplasm had failed, they retired into the kitchen to prepare a fomentation for me;вБ†вАФand whilst that was doing, my father determined the point as you will read. + 

V + 

You see вАЩtis high time, said my father, addressing himself equally to my uncle Toby and Yorick, to take this young creature out of these womenвАЩs hands, and put him into those of a private governor. Marcus Antoninus provided fourteen governors all at once to superintend his son CommodusвАЩs education,вБ†вАФand in six weeks he cashiered five of them;вБ†вАФI know very well, continued my father, that CommodusвАЩs mother was in love with a gladiator at the time of her conception, which accounts for a great many of CommodusвАЩs cruelties when he became emperor;вБ†вАФbut still I am of opinion, that those five whom Antoninus dismissed, did CommodusвАЩs temper, in that short time, more hurt than the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long. + 

Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son, as the mirror in which he is to view himself from morning to night, and by which he is to adjust his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart;вБ†вАФI would have one, Yorick, if possible, polished at all points, fit for my child to look into.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This is very good sense, quoth my uncle Toby to himself. + 

вЄЇвБ†There is, continued my father, a certain mien and motion of the body and all its parts, both in acting and speaking, which argues a man well within; and I am not at all surprised that Gregory of Nazianzum, upon observing the hasty and untoward gestures of Julian, should foretel he would one day become an apostate;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or that St.¬†Ambrose should turn his Amanuensis out of doors, because of an indecent motion of his head, which went backwards and forwards like a flail;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or that Democritus should conceive Protagoras to be a scholar, from seeing him bind up a faggot, and thrusting, as he did it, the small twigs inwards.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There are a thousand unnoticed openings, continued my father, which let a penetrating eye at once into a manвАЩs soul; and I maintain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay down his hat in coming into a room,вБ†вАФor take it up in going out of it, but something escapes, which discovers him. + 

It is for these reasons, continued my father, that the governor I make choice of shall neither lisp, or squint, or wink, or talk loud, or look fierce, or foolish;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or bite his lips, or grind his teeth, or speak through his nose, or pick it, or blow it with his fingers.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

He shall neither walk fast,вБ†вАФor slow, or fold his arms,вБ†вАФfor that is laziness;вБ†вАФor hang them down,вБ†вАФfor that is folly; or hide them in his pocket, for that is nonsense.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle,вБ†вАФor bite, or cut his nails, or hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his feet or fingers in company;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor (according to Erasmus) shall he speak to anyone in making water,вБ†вАФnor shall he point to carrion or excrement.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now this is all nonsense again, quoth my uncle Toby to himself.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I will have him, continued my father, cheerful, facet√©, jovial; at the same time, prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, acute, argute, inventive, quick in resolving doubts and speculative questions;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he shall be wise, and judicious, and learned:вБ†вЄЇвБ†And why not humble, and moderate, and gentle-tempered, and good? said Yorick:вБ†вЄЇвБ†And why not, cried my uncle Toby, free, and generous, and bountiful, and brave?вБ†вЄЇвБ†He shall, my dear Toby, replied my father, getting up and shaking him by the hand.вБ†вАФThen, brother Shandy, answered my uncle Toby, raising himself off the chair, and laying down his pipe to take hold of my fatherвАЩs other hand,вБ†вАФI humbly beg I may recommend poor Le FeverвАЩs son to you;вБ†вЄЇвБ†a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in my uncle TobyвАЩs eye, and another, the fellow to it, in the corporalвАЩs, as the proposition was made;вБ†вЄЇвБ†you will see why when you read Le FeverвАЩs story:вБ†вЄЇвБ†fool that I was! nor can I recollect (nor perhaps you) without turning back to the place, what it was that hindered me from letting the corporal tell it in his own words;вБ†вАФbut the occasion is lost,вБ†вАФI must tell it now in my own. + 

VI + 

The Story of Le Fever + 

It was some time in the summer of that year in which Dendermond was taken by the allies,вБ†вАФwhich was about seven years before my father came into the country,вБ†вАФand about as many, after the time, that my uncle Toby and Trim had privately decamped from my fatherвАЩs house in town, in order to lay some of the finest sieges to some of the finest fortified cities in EuropeвБ†вЄЇвБ†when my uncle Toby was one evening getting his supper, with Trim sitting behind him at a small sideboard,вБ†вАФI say, sittingвБ†вАФfor in consideration of the corporalвАЩs lame knee (which sometimes gave him exquisite pain)вБ†вАФwhen my uncle Toby dined or supped alone, he would never suffer the corporal to stand; and the poor fellowвАЩs veneration for his master was such, that, with a proper artillery, my uncle Toby could have taken Dendermond itself, with less trouble than he was able to gain this point over him; for many a time when my uncle Toby supposed the corporalвАЩs leg was at rest, he would look back, and detect him standing behind him with the most dutiful respect: this bred more little squabbles betwixt them, than all other causes for five-and-twenty years togetherвБ†вАФBut this is neither here nor thereвБ†вАФwhy do I mention it?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Ask my pen,вБ†вАФit governs me,вБ†вАФI govern not it. + 

He was one evening sitting thus at his supper, when the landlord of a little inn in the village came into the parlour, with an empty phial in his hand, to beg a glass or two of sack; вАЩTis for a poor gentleman,вБ†вАФI think, of the army, said the landlord, who has been taken ill at my house four days ago, and has never held up his head since, or had a desire to taste anything, till just now, that he has a fancy for a glass of sack and a thin toast,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I think, says he, taking his hand from his forehead, it would comfort me. + 

вЄЇвБ†If I could neither beg, borrow, or buy such a thingвБ†вАФadded the landlord,вБ†вАФI would almost steal it for the poor gentleman, he is so ill.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I hope in God he will still mend, continued he,вБ†вАФwe are all of us concerned for him. + 

Thou art a good-natured soul, I will answer for thee, cried my uncle Toby; and thou shalt drink the poor gentlemanвАЩs health in a glass of sack thyself,вБ†вАФand take a couple of bottles with my service, and tell him he is heartily welcome to them, and to a dozen more if they will do him good. + 

Though I am persuaded, said my uncle Toby, as the landlord shut the door, he is a very compassionate fellowвБ†вАФTrim,вБ†вАФyet I cannot help entertaining a high opinion of his guest too; there must be something more than common in him, that in so short a time should win so much upon the affections of his host;вБ†вЄЇвБ†And of his whole family, added the corporal, for they are all concerned for him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Step after him, said my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФdo, Trim,вБ†вАФand ask if he knows his name. + 

вЄЇвБ†I have quite forgot it truly, said the landlord, coming back into the parlour with the corporal,вБ†вАФbut I can ask his son again:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Has he a son with him then? said my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФA boy, replied the landlord, of about eleven or twelve years of age;вБ†вАФbut the poor creature has tasted almost as little as his father; he does nothing but mourn and lament for him night and day:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He has not stirred from the bedside these two days. + 

My uncle Toby laid down his knife and fork, and thrust his plate from before him, as the landlord gave him the account; and Trim, without being ordered, took away, without saying one word, and in a few minutes after brought him his pipe and tobacco. + 

вЄЇвБ†Stay in the room a little, said my uncle Toby. + 

Trim!вБ†вЄЇвБ†said my uncle Toby, after he lighted his pipe, and smoakвАЩd about a dozen whiffs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim came in front of his master, and made his bow;вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby smoakвАЩd on, and said no more.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Corporal! said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†the corporal made his bow.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby proceeded no farther, but finished his pipe. + 

Trim! said my uncle Toby, I have a project in my head, as it is a bad night, of wrapping myself up warm in my roquelaure, and paying a visit to this poor gentleman.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Your honourвАЩs roquelaure, replied the corporal, has not once been had on, since the night before your honour received your wound, when we mounted guard in the trenches before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and besides, it is so cold and rainy a night, that what with the roquelaure, and what with the weather, вАЩtwill be enough to give your honour your death, and bring on your honourвАЩs torment in your groin. I fear so, replied my uncle Toby; but I am not at rest in my mind, Trim, since the account the landlord has given me.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish I had not known so much of this affair,вБ†вАФadded my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФor that I had known more of it:вБ†вЄЇвБ†How shall we manage it? Leave it, anвАЩt please your honour, to me, quoth the corporal;вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll take my hat and stick and go to the house and reconnoitre, and act accordingly; and I will bring your honour a full account in an hour.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou shalt go, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and hereвАЩs a shilling for thee to drink with his servant.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I shall get it all out of him, said the corporal, shutting the door. + 

My uncle Toby filled his second pipe; and had it not been, that he now and then wandered from the point, with considering whether it was not full as well to have the curtain of the tenaille a straight line, as a crooked one,вБ†вАФhe might be said to have thought of nothing else but poor Le Fever and his boy the whole time he smoaked it. + 

VII + 

The Story of Le Fever Continued + 

It was not till my uncle Toby had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe, that corporal Trim returned from the inn, and gave him the following account. + 

I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back your honour any kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick lieutenantвБ†вАФIs he in the army, then? said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†He is, said the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†And in what regiment? said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll tell your honour, replied the corporal, everything straight forwards, as I learnt it.вБ†вАФThen, Trim, IвАЩll fill another pipe, said my uncle Toby, and not interrupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down at thy ease, Trim, in the window-seat, and begin thy story again. The corporal made his old bow, which generally spoke as plain as a bow could speak itвБ†вАФYour honour is good:вБ†вЄЇвБ†And having done that, he sat down, as he was ordered,вБ†вАФand began the story to my uncle Toby over again in pretty near the same words. + 

I despaired at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back any intelligence to your honour, about the lieutenant and his son; for when I asked where his servant was, from whom I made myself sure of knowing everything which was proper to be asked,вБ†вАФThatвАЩs a right distinction, Trim, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФI was answered, anвАЩ please your honour, that he had no servant with him;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that he had come to the inn with hired horses, which, upon finding himself unable to proceed (to join, I suppose, the regiment), he had dismissed the morning after he came.вБ†вАФIf I get better, my dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his son to pay the man,вБ†вАФwe can hire horses from hence.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But alas! the poor gentleman will never get from hence, said the landlady to me,вБ†вАФfor I heard the deathwatch all night long;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and when he dies, the youth, his son, will certainly die with him, for he is brokenhearted already. + 

I was hearing this account, continued the corporal, when the youth came into the kitchen, to order the thin toast the landlord spoke of;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but I will do it for my father myself, said the youth.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Pray let me save you the trouble, young gentleman, said I, taking up a fork for the purpose, and offering him my chair to sit down upon by the fire, whilst I did it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I believe, Sir, said he, very modestly, I can please him best myself.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I am sure, said I, his honour will not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old soldier.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The youth took hold of my hand, and instantly burst into tears.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Poor youth! said my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФhe has been bred up from an infant in the army, and the name of a soldier, Trim, sounded in his ears like the name of a friend;вБ†вАФI wish I had him here. + 

вЄЇвБ†I never, in the longest march, said the corporal, had so great a mind to my dinner, as I had to cry with him for company:вБ†вАФWhat could be the matter with me, anвАЩ please your honour? Nothing in the world, Trim, said my uncle Toby, blowing his nose,вБ†вАФbut that thou art a good-natured fellow. + 

When I gave him the toast, continued the corporal, I thought it was proper to tell him I was captain ShandyвАЩs servant, and that your honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his father;вБ†вАФand that if there was anything in your house or cellarвБ†вЄЇ(And thou mightвАЩst have added my purse too, said my uncle Toby)вБ†вЄЇвБ†he was heartily welcome to it:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He made a very low bow (which was meant to your honour), but no answerвБ†вАФfor his heart was fullвБ†вАФso he went upstairs with the toast;вБ†вАФI warrant you, my dear, said I, as I opened the kitchen-door, your father will be well again.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Mr.¬†YorickвАЩs curate was smoaking a pipe by the kitchen fire,вБ†вАФbut said not a word good or bad to comfort the youth.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I thought it wrong; added the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†I think so too, said my uncle Toby. + 

When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast, he felt himself a little revived, and sent down into the kitchen, to let me know, that in about ten minutes he should be glad if I would step upstairs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I believe, said the landlord, he is going to say his prayers,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for there was a book laid upon the chair by his bedside, and as I shut the door, I saw his son take up a cushion.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I thought, said the curate, that you gentlemen of the army, Mr.¬†Trim, never said your prayers at all.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers last night, said the landlady, very devoutly, and with my own ears, or I could not have believed it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Are you sure of it? replied the curate.вБ†вЄЇвБ†A soldier, anвАЩ please your reverence, said I, prays as often (of his own accord) as a parson;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and when he is fighting for his king, and for his own life, and for his honour too, he has the most reason to pray to God of anyone in the whole worldвБ†вЄЇвАЩTwas well said of thee, Trim, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But when a soldier, said I, anвАЩ please your reverence, has been standing for twelve hours together in the trenches, up to his knees in cold water,вБ†вАФor engaged, said I, for months together in long and dangerous marches;вБ†вАФharassed, perhaps, in his rear today;вБ†вАФharassing others tomorrow;вБ†вАФdetached here;вБ†вАФcountermanded there;вБ†вАФresting this night out upon his arms;вБ†вАФbeat up in his shirt the next;вБ†вАФbenumbed in his joints;вБ†вАФperhaps without straw in his tent to kneel on;вБ†вАФmust say his prayers how and when he can.вБ†вАФI believe, said I,вБ†вАФfor I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for the reputation of the army,вБ†вАФI believe, anвАЩ please your reverence, said I, that when a soldier gets time to pray,вБ†вАФhe prays as heartily as a parson,вБ†вАФthough not with all his fuss and hypocrisy.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou shouldst not have said that, Trim, said my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФfor God only knows who is a hypocrite, and who is not:вБ†вЄЇвБ†At the great and general review of us all, corporal, at the day of judgment (and not till then)вБ†вАФit will be seen who has done their duties in this world,вБ†вАФand who has not; and we shall be advanced, Trim, accordingly.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I hope we shall, said Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It is in the Scripture, said my uncle Toby; and I will show it thee tomorrow:вБ†вАФIn the meantime we may depend upon it, Trim, for our comfort, said my uncle Toby, that God Almighty is so good and just a governor of the world, that if we have but done our duties in it,вБ†вАФit will never be enquired into, whether we have done them in a red coat or a black one:вБ†вЄЇвБ†I hope not, said the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†But go on, Trim, said my uncle Toby, with thy story. + 

When I went up, continued the corporal, into the lieutenantвАЩs room, which I did not do till the expiration of the ten minutes,вБ†вАФhe was lying in his bed with his head raised upon his hand, with his elbow upon the pillow, and a clean white cambrick handkerchief beside it:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The youth was just stooping down to take up the cushion, upon which I supposed he had been kneeling,вБ†вАФthe book was laid upon the bed,вБ†вАФand, as he rose, in taking up the cushion with one hand, he reached out his other to take it away at the same time.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Let it remain there, my dear, said the lieutenant. + 

He did not offer to speak to me, till I had walked up close to his bedside:вБ†вАФIf you are captain ShandyвАЩs servant, said he, you must present my thanks to your master, with my little boyвАЩs thanks along with them, for his courtesy to me;вБ†вАФif he was of LevenвАЩsвБ†вАФsaid the lieutenant.вБ†вАФI told him your honour wasвБ†вАФThen, said he, I served three campaigns with him in Flanders, and remember him,вБ†вАФbut вАЩtis most likely, as I had not the honour of any acquaintance with him, that he knows nothing of me.вБ†вЄЇвБ†You will tell him, however, that the person his good-nature has laid under obligations to him, is one Le Fever, a lieutenant in AngusвАЩsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but he knows me not,вБ†вАФsaid he, a second time, musing;вБ†вЄЇвБ†possibly he may my storyвБ†вАФadded heвБ†вАФpray tell the captain, I was the ensign at Breda, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I remember the story, anвАЩt please your honour, said I, very well.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Do you so? said he, wiping his eyes with his handkerchief,вБ†вАФthen well may I.вБ†вАФIn saying this, he drew a little ring out of his bosom, which seemed tied with a black ribbon about his neck, and kissвАЩd it twiceвБ†вЄЇвБ†Here, Billy, said he,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the boy flew across the room to the bedside,вБ†вАФand falling down upon his knee, took the ring in his hand, and kissed it too,вБ†вАФthen kissed his father, and sat down upon the bed and wept. + 

I wish, said my uncle Toby, with a deep sigh,вБ†вАФI wish, Trim, I was asleep. + 

Your honour, replied the corporal, is too much concerned;вБ†вАФshall I pour your honour out a glass of sack to your pipe?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Do, Trim, said my uncle Toby. + 

I remember, said my uncle Toby, sighing again, the story of the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty omitted;вБ†вАФand particularly well that he, as well as she, upon some account or other (I forget what) was universally pitied by the whole regiment;вБ†вАФbut finish the story thou art upon:вБ†вАФвАЩTis finished already, said the corporal,вБ†вАФfor I could stay no longer,вБ†вАФso wished his honour a good night; young Le Fever rose from off the bed, and saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we went down together, told me, they had come from Ireland, and were on their route to join the regiment in Flanders.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But alas! said the corporal,вБ†вАФthe lieutenantвАЩs last dayвАЩs march is over.вБ†вАФThen what is to become of his poor boy? cried my uncle Toby. + 

VIII + 

The Story of Le Fever Continued + 

It was to my uncle TobyвАЩs eternal honour,вБ†вЄЇвБ†though I tell it only for the sake of those, who, when coopвАЩd in betwixt a natural and a positive law, know not, for their souls, which way in the world to turn themselvesвБ†вЄЇвБ†That notwithstanding my uncle Toby was warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of Dendermond, parallel with the allies, who pressed theirs on so vigorously, that they scarce allowed him time to get his dinnerвБ†вЄЇвБ†that nevertheless he gave up Dendermond, though he had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp;вБ†вАФand bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and except that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be said to have turned the siege of Dendermond into a blockade,вБ†вАФhe left Dendermond to itselfвБ†вАФto be relieved or not by the French king, as the French king thought good; and only considered how he himself should relieve the poor lieutenant and his son. + 

вЄЇвБ†That kind Being, who is a friend to the friendless, shall recompence thee for this. + 

Thou hast left this matter short, said my uncle Toby to the corporal, as he was putting him to bed,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and I will tell thee in what, Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In the first place, when thou madest an offer of my services to Le Fever,вБ†вЄЇвБ†as sickness and travelling are both expensive, and thou knowest he was but a poor lieutenant, with a son to subsist as well as himself out of his pay,вБ†вАФthat thou didst not make an offer to him of my purse; because, had he stood in need, thou knowest, Trim, he had been as welcome to it as myself.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Your honour knows, said the corporal, I had no orders;вБ†вЄЇвБ†True, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФthou didst very right, Trim, as a soldier,вБ†вАФbut certainly very wrong as a man. + 

In the second place, for which, indeed, thou hast the same excuse, continued my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвБ†when thou offeredst him whatever was in my house,вБ†вЄЇвБ†thou shouldst have offered him my house too:вБ†вЄЇвБ†A sick brother officer should have the best quarters, Trim, and if we had him with us,вБ†вАФwe could tend and look to him:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou art an excellent nurse thyself, Trim,вБ†вАФand what with thy care of him, and the old womanвАЩs, and his boyвАЩs, and mine together, we might recruit him again at once, and set him upon his legs.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle Toby, smiling,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he might march.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He will never march; anвАЩ please your honour, in this world, said the corporal:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He will march; said my uncle Toby, rising up, from the side of the bed, with one shoe off:вБ†вЄЇвБ†AnвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal, he will never march but to his grave:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He shall march, cried my uncle Toby, marching the foot which had a shoe on, though without advancing an inch,вБ†вАФhe shall march to his regiment.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He cannot stand it, said the corporal;вБ†вЄЇвБ†He shall be supported, said my uncle Toby;вБ†вЄЇвБ†HeвАЩll drop at last, said the corporal, and what will become of his boy?вБ†вЄЇвБ†He shall not drop, said my uncle Toby, firmly.вБ†вЄЇвБ†A-well-oвАЩ-day,вБ†вАФdo what we can for him, said Trim, maintaining his point,вБ†вАФthe poor soul will die:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He shall not die, by GвБ†вЄЇ, cried my uncle Toby. + 

вАФThe accusing spirit, which flew up to heavenвАЩs chancery with the oath, blushвАЩd as he gave it in;вБ†вАФand the recording angel, as he wrote it down, droppвАЩd a tear upon the word, and blotted it out forever. + 

IX + 

вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby went to his bureau,вБ†вАФput his purse into his breeches pocket, and having ordered the corporal to go early in the morning for a physician,вБ†вАФhe went to bed, and fell asleep. + 

X + 

The Story of Le Fever Continued + 

The sun looked bright the morning after, to every eye in the village but Le FeverвАЩs and his afflicted sonвАЩs; the hand of death pressвАЩd heavy upon his eyelids,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and hardly could the wheel at the cistern turn round its circle,вБ†вАФwhen my uncle Toby, who had rose up an hour before his wonted time, entered the lieutenantвАЩs room, and without preface or apology, sat himself down upon the chair by the bedside, and, independently of all modes and customs, opened the curtain in the manner an old friend and brother officer would have done it, and asked him how he did,вБ†вАФhow he had rested in the night,вБ†вАФwhat was his complaint,вБ†вАФwhere was his pain,вБ†вАФand what he could do to help him:вБ†вЄЇвБ†and without giving him time to answer any one of the enquiries, went on, and told him of the little plan which he had been concerting with the corporal the night before for him.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†You shall go home directly, Le Fever, said my uncle Toby, to my house,вБ†вАФand weвАЩll send for a doctor to see whatвАЩs the matter,вБ†вАФand weвАЩll have an apothecary,вБ†вАФand the corporal shall be your nurse;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and IвАЩll be your servant, Le Fever. + 

There was a frankness in my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФnot the effect of familiarity,вБ†вАФbut the cause of it,вБ†вАФwhich let you at once into his soul, and showed you the goodness of his nature; to this, there was something in his looks, and voice, and manner, superadded, which eternally beckoned to the unfortunate to come and take shelter under him; so that before my uncle Toby had half finished the kind offers he was making to the father, had the son insensibly pressed up close to his knees, and had taken hold of the breast of his coat, and was pulling it towards him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The blood and spirits of Le Fever, which were waxing cold and slow within him, and were retreating to their last citadel, the heartвБ†вАФrallied back,вБ†вАФthe film forsook his eyes for a moment,вБ†вАФhe looked up wishfully in my uncle TobyвАЩs face,вБ†вАФthen cast a look upon his boy,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that ligament, fine as it was,вБ†вАФwas never broken.вБ†вЄї + 

Nature instantly ebbвАЩd again,вБ†вАФthe film returned to its place,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the pulse flutteredвБ†вЄЇвБ†stoppвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†went onвБ†вЄЇвБ†throbbвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†stoppвАЩd againвБ†вЄЇвБ†movedвБ†вЄЇвБ†stoppвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†shall I go on?вБ†вЄЇвБ†No. + 

XI + 

I am so impatient to return to my own story, that what remains of young Le FeverвАЩs, that is, from this turn of his fortune, to the time my uncle Toby recommended him for my preceptor, shall be told in a very few words in the next chapter.вБ†вАФAll that is necessary to be added to this chapter is as follows.вБ†вАФ + 

That my uncle Toby, with young Le Fever in his hand, attended the poor lieutenant, as chief mourners, to his grave. + 

That the governor of Dendermond paid his obsequies all military honours,вБ†вАФand that Yorick, not to be behindhandвБ†вАФpaid him all ecclesiasticвБ†вАФfor he buried him in his chancel:вБ†вАФAnd it appears likewise, he preached a funeral sermon over himвБ†вЄЇвБ†I say it appears,вБ†вАФfor it was YorickвАЩs custom, which I suppose a general one with those of his profession, on the first leaf of every sermon which he composed, to chronicle down the time, the place, and the occasion of its being preached: to this, he was ever wont to add some short comment or stricture upon the sermon itself, seldom, indeed, much to its credit:вБ†вАФFor instance, This sermon upon the Jewish dispensationвБ†вАФI donвАЩt like it at all;вБ†вАФThough I own there is a world of water-landish knowledge in it,вБ†вАФbut вАЩtis all tritical, and most tritically put together.вБ†вЄїThis is but a flimsy kind of a composition; what was in my head when I made it? + 

вЄЇвБ†N.B. The excellency of this text is, that it will suit any sermon,вБ†вАФand of this sermon,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that it will suit any text.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†For this sermon I shall be hanged,вБ†вАФfor I have stolen the greatest part of it. Doctor Paidagunes found me out. вШЮ Set a thief to catch a thief.вБ†вЄї + 

On the back of half a dozen I find written, So, so, and no moreвБ†вЄЇвБ†and upon a couple Moderato; by which, as far as one may gather from AltieriвАЩs Italian dictionary,вБ†вАФbut mostly from the authority of a piece of green whipcord, which seemed to have been the unravelling of YorickвАЩs whiplash, with which he has left us the two sermons marked Moderato, and the half dozen of So, so, tied fast together in one bundle by themselves,вБ†вАФone may safely suppose he meant pretty near the same thing. + 

There is but one difficulty in the way of this conjecture, which is this, that the moderatoвАЩs are five times better than the so, soвАЩs;вБ†вАФshow ten times more knowledge of the human heart;вБ†вАФhave seventy times more wit and spirit in them;вБ†вАФ(and, to rise properly in my climax)вБ†вАФdiscovered a thousand times more genius;вБ†вАФand to crown all, are infinitely more entertaining than those tied up with them:вБ†вАФfor which reason, wheneвАЩer YorickвАЩs dramatic sermons are offered to the world, though I shall admit but one out of the whole number of the so, soвАЩs, I shall, nevertheless, adventure to print the two moderatoвАЩs without any sort of scruple. + 

What Yorick could mean by the words lentamente,вБ†вАФtenut√®,вБ†вАФgrave,вБ†вАФand sometimes adagio,вБ†вАФas applied to theological compositions, and with which he has characterised some of these sermons, I dare not venture to guess.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I am more puzzled still upon finding a lвАЩoctava alta! upon one;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Con strepito upon the back of another;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Siciliana upon a third;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Alla capella upon a fourth;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Con lвАЩarco upon this;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Senza lвАЩarco upon that.вБ†вЄЇвБ†All I know is, that they are musical terms, and have a meaning;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and as he was a musical man, I will make no doubt, but that by some quaint application of such metaphors to the compositions in hand, they impressed very distinct ideas of their several characters upon his fancy,вБ†вАФwhatever they may do upon that of others. + 

Amongst these, there is that particular sermon which has unaccountably led me into this digressionвБ†вЄЇвБ†The funeral sermon upon poor Le Fever, wrote out very fairly, as if from a hasty copy.вБ†вАФI take notice of it the more, because it seems to have been his favourite compositionвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is upon mortality; and is tied lengthways and crossways with a yarn thrum, and then rolled up and twisted round with a half-sheet of dirty blue paper, which seems to have been once the cast cover of a general review, which to this day smells horribly of horse drugs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Whether these marks of humiliation were designed,вБ†вАФI something doubt;вБ†вЄЇвБ†because at the end of the sermon (and not at the beginning of it)вБ†вАФvery different from his way of treating the rest, he had wroteвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Bravo! + 

вЄЇвБ†Though not very offensively,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for it is at two inches, at least, and a halfвАЩs distance from, and below the concluding line of the sermon, at the very extremity of the page, and in that right hand corner of it, which, you know, is generally covered with your thumb; and, to do it justice, it is wrote besides with a crowвАЩs quill so faintly in a small Italian hand, as scarce to solicit the eye towards the place, whether your thumb is there or not,вБ†вАФso that from the manner of it, it stands half excused; and being wrote moreover with very pale ink, diluted almost to nothing,вБ†вАФвАЩtis more like a ritratto of the shadow of vanity, than of Vanity herselfвБ†вАФof the two; resembling rather a faint thought of transient applause, secretly stirring up in the heart of the composer; than a gross mark of it, coarsely obtruded upon the world. + 

With all these extenuations, I am aware, that in publishing this, I do no service to YorickвАЩs character as a modest man;вБ†вАФbut all men have their failings! and what lessens this still farther, and almost wipes it away, is this; that the word was struck through sometime afterwards (as appears from a different tint of the ink) with a line quite across it in this manner, bravoвБ†вЄЇвБ†as if he had retracted, or was ashamed of the opinion he had once entertained of it. + 

These short characters of his sermons were always written, excepting in this one instance, upon the first leaf of his sermon, which served as a cover to it; and usually upon the inside of it, which was turned towards the text;вБ†вАФbut at the end of his discourse, where, perhaps, he had five or six pages, and sometimes, perhaps, a whole score to turn himself in,вБ†вАФhe took a large circuit, and, indeed, a much more mettlesome one;вБ†вАФas if he had snatched the occasion of unlacing himself with a few more frolicksome strokes at vice, than the straitness of the pulpit allowed.вБ†вАФThese, though hussar-like, they skirmish lightly and out of all order, are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue;вБ†вАФtell me then, Mynheer Vander Blonederdondergewdenstronke, why they should not be printed together? + 

XII + 

When my uncle Toby had turned everything into money, and settled all accounts betwixt the agent of the regiment and Le Fever, and betwixt Le Fever and all mankind,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there remained nothing more in my uncle TobyвАЩs hands, than an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my uncle Toby found little or no opposition from the world in taking administration. The coat my uncle Toby gave the corporal;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Wear it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, as long as it will hold together, for the sake of the poor lieutenantвБ†вЄЇвБ†And this,вБ†вЄЇвБ†said my uncle Toby, taking up the sword in his hand, and drawing it out of the scabbard as he spokeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and this, Le Fever, IвАЩll save for thee,вБ†вАФвАЩtis all the fortune, continued my uncle Toby, hanging it up upon a crook, and pointing to it,вБ†вАФвАЩtis all the fortune, my dear Le Fever, which God has left thee; but if he has given thee a heart to fight thy way with it in the world,вБ†вАФand thou doest it like a man of honour,вБ†вАФвАЩtis enough for us. + 

As soon as my uncle Toby had laid a foundation, and taught him to inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to a public school, where, excepting Whitsontide and Christmas, at which times the corporal was punctually dispatched for him,вБ†вАФhe remained to the spring of the year, seventeen; when the stories of the emperorвАЩs sending his army into Hungary against the Turks, kindling a spark of fire in his bosom, he left his Greek and Latin without leave, and throwing himself upon his knees before my uncle Toby, begged his fatherвАЩs sword, and my uncle TobyвАЩs leave along with it, to go and try his fortune under Eugene.вБ†вАФTwice did my uncle Toby forget his wound and cry out, Le Fever! I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight beside meвБ†вЄЇвБ†And twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and hung down his head in sorrow and disconsolation.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

My uncle Toby took down the sword from the crook, where it had hung untouched ever since the lieutenantвАЩs death, and delivered it to the corporal to brighten up;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and having detained Le Fever a single fortnight to equip him, and contract for his passage to Leghorn,вБ†вАФhe put the sword into his hand.вБ†вЄЇвБ†If thou art brave, Le Fever, said my uncle Toby, this will not fail thee,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but Fortune, said he (musing a little),вБ†вЄЇвБ†Fortune mayвБ†вЄЇвБ†And if she does,вБ†вАФadded my uncle Toby, embracing him, come back again to me, Le Fever, and we will shape thee another course. + 

The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of Le Fever more than my uncle TobyвАЩs paternal kindness;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he parted from my uncle Toby, as the best of sons from the best of fathersвБ†вЄЇвБ†both dropped tearsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as my uncle Toby gave him his last kiss, he slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his fatherвАЩs, in which was his motherвАЩs ring, into his hand,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and bid God bless him. + 

XIII + 

Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal his sword was made of, at the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade; but a series of unmerited mischances had pursued him from that moment, and trod close upon his heels for four years together after; he had withstood these buffetings to the last, till sickness overtook him at Marseilles, from whence he wrote my uncle Toby word, he had lost his time, his services, his health, and, in short, everything but his sword;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and was waiting for the first ship to return back to him. + 

As this letter came to hand about six weeks before SusannahвАЩs accident, Le Fever was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle TobyвАЩs mind all the time my father was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind of a person he would choose for a preceptor to me: but as my uncle Toby thought my father at first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he forebore mentioning Le FeverвАЩs name,вБ†вЄЇвБ†till the character, by YorickвАЩs interposition, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle-tempered, and generous, and good, it impressed the image of Le Fever, and his interest, upon my uncle Toby so forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying down his pipe, in order to take hold of both my fatherвАЩs handsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I beg, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, I may recommend poor Le FeverвАЩs son to youвБ†вЄЇвБ†I beseech you do, added YorickвБ†вЄЇвБ†He has a good heart, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†And a brave one too, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporal. + 

вЄЇвБ†The best hearts, Trim, are ever the bravest, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And the greatest cowards, anвАЩ please your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There was serjeant Kumber, and ensignвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†WeвАЩll talk of them, said my father, another time. + 

XIV + 

What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your worships, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and lies! + 

Doctor Slop, like a son of a wвБ†вЄЇ, as my father called him for it,вБ†вАФto exalt himself,вБ†вАФdebased me to death,вБ†вАФand made ten thousand times more of SusannahвАЩs accident, than there was any grounds for; so that in a weekвАЩs time, or less, it was in everybodyвАЩs mouth, That poor Master Shandy * * * * * * * * entirely.вБ†вАФAnd Fame, who loves to double everything,вБ†вАФin three days more, had sworn, positively she saw it,вБ†вАФand all the world, as usual, gave credit to her evidenceвБ†вЄЇвАЬThat the nursery window had not only* * * * * * * * * * * * ;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *вАЩs also.вАЭ + 

Could the world have been sued like a body-corporate,вБ†вАФmy father had brought an action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently; but to fall foul of individuals about itвБ†вЄЇвБ†as every soul who had mentioned the affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas like flying in the very face of his best friends:вБ†вЄЇвБ†And yet to acquiesce under the report, in silenceвБ†вАФwas to acknowledge it openly,вБ†вАФat least in the opinion of one half of the world; and to make a bustle again, in contradicting it,вБ†вАФwas to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the other half.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered? said my father. + 

I would show him publickly, said my uncle Toby, at the market cross. + 

вЄЇвАЩTwill have no effect, said my father. + 

XV + 

вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll put him, however, into breeches, said my father,вБ†вАФlet the world say what it will. + 

XVI + 

There are a thousand resolutions, Sir, both in church and state, as well as in matters, Madam, of a more private concern;вБ†вАФwhich though they have carried all the appearance in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty, harebrained, and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding this (and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we should have found it was so), weighed, poized, and perpendedвБ†вЄЇвБ†argued uponвБ†вАФcanvassed throughвБ†вЄЇвБ†entered into, and examined on all sides with so much coolness, that the goddess of coolness herself (I do not take upon me to prove her existence) could neither have wished it, or done it better. + 

Of the number of these was my fatherвАЩs resolution of putting me into breeches; which, though determined at once,вБ†вАФin a kind of huff, and a defiance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been proвАЩd and connвАЩd, and judicially talked over betwixt him and my mother about a month before, in two several beds of justice, which my father had held for that purpose. I shall explain the nature of these beds of justice in my next chapter; and in the chapter following that, you shall step with me, Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in what kind of manner my father and my mother debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches,вБ†вАФfrom which you may form an idea, how they debated all lesser matters. + 

XVII + 

The ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Cluverius is positive) were first seated in the country between the Vistula and the Oder, and who afterwards incorporated the Herculi, the Bugians, and some other Vandallick clans to вАЩemвБ†вАФhad all of them a wise custom of debating everything of importance to their state, twice; that is,вБ†вАФonce drunk, and once sober:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Drunk,вБ†вАФthat their councils might not want vigour;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and soberвБ†вАФthat they might not want discretion. + 

Now my father being entirely a water-drinker,вБ†вАФwas a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he fixed and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and the Saturday night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * + 

These my father, humorously enough, called his beds of justice;вБ†вЄЇвБ†for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times. + 

It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did itвБ†вЄЇвБ†or, if he can, may it be always for his bodyвАЩs health; and to do it, as my father did it,вБ†вАФam I sure it would be always for his soulвАЩs. + 

My way is this:вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

In all nice and ticklish discussionsвБ†вАФ(of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book),вБ†вАФwhere I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my backвБ†вЄЇвБ†I write one-half full,вБ†вАФand tвАЩother fasting;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or write it all full,вБ†вАФand correct it fasting:вБ†вЄЇвБ†or write it fasting,вБ†вАФand correct it full, for they all come to the same thing:вБ†вЄЇвБ†So that with a less variation from my fatherвАЩs plan, than my fatherвАЩs from the GothickвБ†вЄЇвБ†I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice,вБ†вАФand no way inferior to him in his second.вБ†вЄЇвБ†These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature,вБ†вАФof which,вБ†вАФbe hers the honour.вБ†вЄЇвБ†All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Now, when I write full,вБ†вАФI write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors of the world.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I count not the number of my scars,вБ†вАФnor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to antedate my stabs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fullness of my heart, as my stomach.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But when, anвАЩ please your honours, I indite fasting, вАЩtis a different history.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I pay the world all possible attention and respect,вБ†вАФand have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under-strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured Shandean book, which will do all your hearts goodвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†And all your heads too,вБ†вАФprovided you understand it. + 

XVIII + 

We should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my motherвАЩs, as he opened the debateвБ†вЄЇвБ†We should begin to think, Mrs.¬†Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

We should so,вБ†вАФsaid my mother.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully.вБ†вЄї + 

I think we do, Mr.¬†Shandy,вБ†вАФsaid my mother. + 

вЄЇвБ†Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunicks.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄїHe does look very well in them,вБ†вАФreplied my mother.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of вАЩem.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†It would so,вБ†вАФsaid my mother:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But indeed he is growing a very tall lad,вБ†вАФrejoined my father. + 

вЄЇвБ†He is very tall for his age, indeed,вБ†вАФsaid my mother.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I cannot conceive, for my life,вБ†вАФsaid my mother.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Humph!вБ†вЄЇвБ†said my father. + 

(The dialogue ceased for a moment.) + 

вЄЇвБ†I am very short myself,вБ†вАФcontinued my father gravely. + 

You are very short, Mr.¬†Shandy,вБ†вАФsaid my mother. + 

Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my motherвАЩsвБ†вАФand turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half. + 

вЄЇвБ†When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, heвАЩll look like a beast in вАЩem. + 

He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†And вАЩtwill be lucky, if thatвАЩs the worst onвАЩt, added my father. + 

It will be very lucky, answered my mother. + 

I suppose, replied my father,вБ†вАФmaking some pause first,вБ†вАФheвАЩll be exactly like other peopleвАЩs children.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Exactly, said my mother.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate stoppвАЩd again. + 

вЄЇвБ†They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again.вБ†вАФ + 

They will last him, said my mother, the longest. + 

But he can have no linings to вАЩem, replied my father.вБ†вЄї + 

He cannot, said my mother. + 

вАЩTwere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father. + 

Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.вБ†вЄї + 

вАФExcept dimity,вБ†вАФreplied my father:вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis best of all,вБ†вАФreplied my mother. + 

вЄЇвБ†One must not give him his death, however,вБ†вАФinterrupted my father. + 

By no means, said my mother:вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so the dialogue stood still again. + 

I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.вБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†There is no occasion for any, said my mother.вБ†вЄї + 

I mean in his coat and waistcoat,вБ†вАФcried my father. + 

вЄЇвБ†I mean so too,вБ†вАФreplied my mother. + 

вЄЇвБ†Though if he gets a gig or topвБ†вЄЇвБ†Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them,вБ†вАФthey should have where to secure it.вБ†вЄї + 

Order it as you please, Mr.¬†Shandy, replied my mother.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†But donвАЩt you think it right? added my father, pressing the point home to her. + 

Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr.¬†Shandy.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†ThereвАЩs for you! cried my father, losing temperвБ†вЄЇвБ†Pleases me!вБ†вЄЇвБ†You never will distinguish, Mrs.¬†Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This was on the Sunday night:вБ†вЄЇвБ†and further this chapter sayeth not. + 

XIX + 

After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother,вБ†вАФhe consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it; and Albertus Rubenius used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother: For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto express, De re Vestiaria Veterum,вБ†вАФit was RubeniusвАЩs business to have given my father some lights.вБ†вАФOn the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard,вБ†вАФas of extracting a single word out of Rubenius upon the subject. + 

Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was very communicative to my father;вБ†вАФgave him a full and satisfactory account of + 

The Toga, or loose gown. + 

The Chlamys. + 

The Ephod. + 

The Tunica, or Jacket. + 

The Synthesis. + 

The P√¶nula. + 

The Lacema, with its Cucullus. + 

The Paludamentum. + 

The Pr√¶texta. + 

The Sagum, or soldierвАЩs jerkin. + 

The Trabea: of which, according to Suetonius, there were three kinds.вБ†вАФ + 

вЄЇвБ†But what are all these to the breeches? said my father. + 

Rubenius threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the Romans.вБ†вЄї + 

There was, + 

The open shoe. + 

The close shoe. + 

The slip shoe. + 

The wooden shoe. + 

The soc. + 

The buskin. + 

And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which Juvenal takes notice of. + 

There were, + 

The clogs. + 

The pattins. + 

The pantoufles. + 

The brogues. + 

The sandals, with latchets to them. + 

There was, + 

The felt shoe. + 

The linen shoe. + 

The laced shoe. + 

The braided shoe. + 

The calceus incisus. + 

And The calceus rostratus. + 

Rubenius showed my father how well they all fitted,вБ†вАФin what manner they laced on,вБ†вАФwith what points, straps, thongs, latchets, ribbons, jaggs, and ends.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my father. + 

Albertus Rubenius informed my father that the Romans manufactured stuffs of various fabrics,вБ†вЄЇвБ†some plain,вБ†вАФsome striped,вБ†вАФothers diapered throughout the whole contexture of the wool, with silk and goldвБ†вЄЇвБ†That linen did not begin to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire, when the Egyptians coming to settle amongst them, brought it into vogue. + 

вЄЇвБ†That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour (next to purple, which was appropriated to the great offices) they most affected, and wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings.вБ†вЄЇвБ†That it appeared from the best historians of those times, that they frequently sent their clothes to the fuller, to be cleanвАЩd and whitened:вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the inferior people, to avoid that expense, generally wore brown clothes, and of a something coarser texture,вБ†вАФtill towards the beginning of AugustusвАЩs reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of habiliment was lost, but the Latus Clavus. + 

And what was the Latus Clavus? said my father. + 

Rubenius told him, that the point was still litigating amongst the learned:вБ†вЄЇвБ†That Egnatius, Sigonius, Bossius Ticinensis, Bayfius, Bud√¶us, Salmasius, Lipsius, Lazius, Isaac Casaubon, and Joseph Scaliger, all differed from each other,вБ†вАФand he from them: That some took it to be the button,вБ†вАФsome the coat itself,вБ†вАФothers only the colour of it:вБ†вАФThat the great Bayfius, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 12вБ†вАФhonestly said, he knew not what it was,вБ†вАФwhether a tibula,вБ†вАФa stud,вБ†вАФa button,вБ†вАФa loop,вБ†вАФa buckle,вБ†вАФor clasps and keepers.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†My father lost the horse, but not the saddleвБ†вЄЇвБ†They are hooks and eyes, said my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made. + 

XX + 

We are now going to enter upon a new scene of events.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Leave we then the breeches in the tailorвАЩs hands, with my father standing over him with his cane, reading him as he sat at work a lecture upon the latus clavus, and pointing to the precise part of the waistband, where he was determined to have it sewed on.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Leave we my motherвБ†вАФ(truest of all the Pococurantes of her sex!)вБ†вАФcareless about it, as about everything else in the world which concerned her;вБ†вАФthat is,вБ†вАФindifferent whether it was done this way or that,вБ†вАФprovided it was but done at all.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Leave we Slop likewise to the full profits of all my dishonours.вБ†вЄї + 

Leave we poor Le Fever to recover, and get home from Marseilles as he can.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And last of all,вБ†вАФbecause the hardest of allвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Let us leave, if possible, myself:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis impossible,вБ†вАФI must go along with you to the end of the work. + 

XXI + 

If the reader has not a clear conception of the rood and the half of ground which lay at the bottom of my uncle TobyвАЩs kitchen-garden, and which was the scene of so many of his delicious hours,вБ†вАФthe fault is not in me,вБ†вАФbut in his imagination;вБ†вАФfor I am sure I gave him so minute a description, I was almost ashamed of it. + 

When Fate was looking forwards one afternoon, into the great transactions of future times,вБ†вАФand recollected for what purposes this little plot, by a decree fast bound down in iron, had been destined,вБ†вЄЇвБ†she gave a nod to Nature,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas enoughвБ†вАФNature threw half a spade full of her kindliest compost upon it, with just so much clay in it, as to retain the forms of angles and indentings,вБ†вАФand so little of it too, as not to cling to the spade, and render works of so much glory, nasty in foul weather. + 

My uncle Toby came down, as the reader has been informed, with plans along with him, of almost every fortified town in Italy and Flanders; so let the Duke of Marlborough, or the allies, have set down before what town they pleased, my uncle Toby was prepared for them. + 

His way, which was the simplest one in the world, was this; as soon as ever a town was investedвБ†вАФ(but sooner when the design was known) to take the plan of it (let it be what town it would), and enlarge it upon a scale to the exact size of his bowling-green; upon the surface of which, by means of a large role of packthread, and a number of small piquets driven into the ground, at the several angles and redans, he transferred the lines from his paper; then taking the profile of the place, with its works, to determine the depths and slopes of the ditches,вБ†вАФthe talus of the glacis, and the precise height of the several banquets, parapets, etc.вБ†вАФhe set the corporal to workвБ†вЄЇвБ†and sweetly went it on:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The nature of the soil,вБ†вАФthe nature of the work itself,вБ†вАФand above all, the good-nature of my uncle Toby sitting by from morning to night, and chatting kindly with the corporal upon past-done deeds,вБ†вАФleft labour little else but the ceremony of the name. + 

When the place was finished in this manner, and put into a proper posture of defence,вБ†вАФit was invested,вБ†вАФand my uncle Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallel.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I beg I may not be interrupted in my story, by being told, That the first parallel should be at least three hundred toises distant from the main body of the place,вБ†вАФand that I have not left a single inch for it;вБ†вЄїfor my uncle Toby took the liberty of encroaching upon his kitchen-garden, for the sake of enlarging his works on the bowling-green, and for that reason generally ran his first and second parallels betwixt two rows of his cabbages and his cauliflowers; the conveniences and inconveniences of which will be considered at large in the history of my uncle TobyвАЩs and the corporalвАЩs campaigns, of which, this IвАЩm now writing is but a sketch, and will be finished, if I conjecture right, in three pages (but there is no guessing)вБ†вЄЇвБ†The campaigns themselves will take up as many books; and therefore I apprehend it would be hanging too great a weight of one kind of matter in so flimsy a performance as this, to rhapsodize them, as I once intended, into the body of the workвБ†вЄЇвБ†surely they had better be printed apart,вБ†вЄЇвБ†weвАЩll consider the affairвБ†вЄЇвБ†so take the following sketch of them in the meantime. + 

XXII + 

When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallelвБ†вЄЇвБ†not at random, or anyhowвБ†вЄЇвБ†but from the same points and distances the allies had begun to run theirs; and regulating their approaches and attacks, by the accounts my uncle Toby received from the daily papers,вБ†вАФthey went on, during the whole siege, step by step with the allies. + 

When the duke of Marlborough made a lodgment,вБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby made a lodgment too,вБ†вЄЇвБ†And when the face of a bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined,вБ†вАФthe corporal took his mattock and did as much,вБ†вАФand so on;вБ†вЄЇвБ†gaining ground, and making themselves masters of the works one after another, till the town fell into their hands. + 

To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others,вБ†вАФthere could not have been a greater sight in the world, than, on a post-morning, in which a practicable breach had been made by the duke of Marlborough, in the main body of the place,вБ†вАФto have stood behind the hornbeam hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle Toby, with Trim behind him, sallied forth;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the one with the Gazette in his hand,вБ†вАФthe other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the contents.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What an honest triumph in my uncle TobyвАЩs looks as he marched up to the ramparts! What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading the paragraph ten times over to him, as he was at work, lest, peradventure, he should make the breach an inch too wide,вБ†вАФor leave it an inch too narrow.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But when the chamade was beat, and the corporal helped my uncle up it, and followed with the colours in his hand, to fix them upon the rampartsвБ†вАФHeaven! Earth! Sea!вБ†вЄЇвБ†but what avails apostrophes?вБ†вЄЇвБ†with all your elements, wet or dry, ye never compounded so intoxicating a draught. + 

In this track of happiness for many years, without one interruption to it, except now and then when the wind continued to blow due west for a week or ten days together, which detained the Flanders mail, and kept them so long in torture,вБ†вАФbut still вАЩtwas the torture of the happyвБ†вЄЇвБ†In this track, I say, did my uncle Toby and Trim move for many years, every year of which, and sometimes every month, from the invention of either the one or the other of them, adding some new conceit or quirk of improvement to their operations, which always opened fresh springs of delight in carrying them on. + 

The first yearвАЩs campaign was carried on from beginning to end, in the plain and simple method IвАЩve related. + 

In the second year, in which my uncle Toby took Liege and Ruremond, he thought he might afford the expense of four handsome drawbridges, of two of which I have given an exact description in the former part of my work. + 

At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with portcullises:вБ†вЄЇвБ†These last were converted afterwards into orgues, as the better thing; and during the winter of the same year, my uncle Toby, instead of a new suit of clothes, which he always had at Christmas, treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the corner of the bowling-green, betwixt which point and the foot of the glacis, there was left a little kind of an esplanade for him and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon. + 

вЄЇвБ†The sentry-box was in case of rain. + 

All these were painted white three times over the ensuing spring, which enabled my uncle Toby to take the field with great splendour. + 

My father would often say to Yorick, that if any mortal in the whole universe had done such a thing, except his brother Toby, it would have been looked upon by the world as one of the most refined satires upon the parade and prancing manner in which Lewis XIV from the beginning of the war, but particularly that very year, had taken the fieldвБ†вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis not my brother TobyвАЩs nature, kind soul! my father would add, to insult anyone. + 

вЄЇвБ†But let us go on. + 

XXIII + 

I must observe, that although in the first yearвАЩs campaign, the word town is often mentioned,вБ†вАФyet there was no town at that time within the polygon; that addition was not made till the summer following the spring in which the bridges and sentry-box were painted, which was the third year of my uncle TobyвАЩs campaigns,вБ†вАФwhen upon his taking Amberg, Bonn, and Rhinberg, and Huy and Limbourg, one after another, a thought came into the corporalвАЩs head, that to talk of taking so many towns, without one town to show for it,вБ†вАФwas a very nonsensical way of going to work, and so proposed to my uncle Toby, that they should have a little model of a town built for them,вБ†вАФto be run up together of slit deals, and then painted, and clapped within the interior polygon to serve for all. + 

My uncle Toby felt the good of the project instantly, and instantly agreed to it, but with the addition of two singular improvements, of which he was almost as proud as if he had been the original inventor of the project itself. + 

The one was, to have the town built exactly in the style of those of which it was most likely to be the representative:вБ†вЄЇвБ†with grated windows, and the gable ends of the houses, facing the streets, etc. etc.вБ†вАФas those in Ghent and Bruges, and the rest of the towns in Brabant and Flanders. + 

The other was, not to have the houses run up together, as the corporal proposed, but to have every house independent, to hook on, or off, so as to form into the plan of whatever town they pleased. This was put directly into hand, and many and many a look of mutual congratulation was exchanged between my uncle Toby and the corporal, as the carpenter did the work. + 

вЄЇвБ†It answered prodigiously the next summerвБ†вЄЇвБ†the town was a perfect ProteusвБ†вЄЇвБ†It was Landen, and Trerebach, and Santvliet, and Drusen, and Hagenau,вБ†вАФand then it was Ostend and Menin, and Aeth and Dendermond. + 

вЄЇвБ†Surely never did any town act so many parts, since Sodom and Gomorah, as my uncle TobyвАЩs town did. + 

In the fourth year, my uncle Toby thinking a town looked foolishly without a church, added a very fine one with a steeple.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim was for having bells in it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby said, the metal had better be cast into cannon. + 

This led the way the next campaign for half a dozen brass field-pieces, to be planted three and three on each side of my uncle TobyвАЩs sentry-box; and in a short time, these led the way for a train of somewhat larger,вБ†вАФand so onвБ†вАФ(as must always be the case in hobbyhorsical affairs) from pieces of half an inch bore, till it came at last to my fatherвАЩs jack boots. + 

The next year, which was that in which Lisle was besieged, and at the close of which both Ghent and Bruges fell into our hands,вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby was sadly put to it for proper ammunition;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I say proper ammunitionвБ†вЄЇвБ†because his great artillery would not bear powder; and вАЩtwas well for the Shandy family they would notвБ†вЄЇвБ†For so full were the papers, from the beginning to the end of the siege, of the incessant firings kept up by the besiegers,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so heated was my uncle TobyвАЩs imagination with the accounts of them, that he had infallibly shot away all his estate. + 

Something therefore was wanting as a succedaneum, especially in one or two of the more violent paroxysms of the siege, to keep up something like a continual firing in the imagination,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and this something, the corporal, whose principal strength lay in invention, supplied by an entire new system of battering of his own,вБ†вАФwithout which, this had been objected to by military critics, to the end of the world, as one of the great desiderata of my uncle TobyвАЩs apparatus. + 

This will not be explained the worse, for setting off, as I generally do, at a little distance from the subject. + 

XXIV + 

With two or three other trinkets, small in themselves, but of great regard, which poor Tom, the corporalвАЩs unfortunate brother, had sent him over, with the account of his marriage with the JewвАЩs widowвБ†вЄЇвБ†there was + 

A Montero-cap and two Turkish tobacco-pipes. + 

The Montero-cap I shall describe by and bye.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The Turkish tobacco-pipes had nothing particular in them, they were fitted up and ornamented as usual, with flexible tubes of Morocco leather and gold wire, and mounted at their ends, the one of them with ivory,вБ†вАФthe other with black ebony, tippвАЩd with silver. + 

My father, who saw all things in lights different from the rest of the world, would say to the corporal, that he ought to look upon these two presents more as tokens of his brotherвАЩs nicety, than his affection.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tom did not care, Trim, he would say, to put on the cap, or to smoke in the tobacco-pipe of a Jew.вБ†вЄЇвБ†God bless your honour, the corporal would say, (giving a strong reason to the contrary)вБ†вАФhow can that be? + 

The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine Spanish cloth, dyed in grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue, slightly embroidered,вБ†вАФand seemed to have been the property of a Portuguese quartermaster, not of foot, but of horse, as the word denotes. + 

The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its own sake, as the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it on but upon Gala-days; and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all controverted points, whether military or culinary, provided the corporal was sure he was in the right,вБ†вАФit was either his oath,вБ†вАФhis wager,вБ†вАФor his gift. + 

вЄЇвАЩTwas his gift in the present case. + 

IвАЩll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to give away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honourвАЩs satisfaction. + 

The completion was no further off than the very next morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the Lower Deule, to the right, and the gate St.¬†Andrew,вБ†вАФand on the left, between St.¬†MagdalenвАЩs and the river. + 

As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war,вБ†вАФthe most gallant and obstinate on both sides,вБ†вАФand I must add the most bloody too, for it cost the allies themselves that morning above eleven hundred men,вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby prepared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity. + 

The eve which preceded, as my uncle Toby went to bed, he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old compaigning trunk, which stood by his bedside, to be taken out and laid upon the lid of it, ready for the morning;вБ†вАФand the very first thing he did in his shirt, when he had stepped out of bed, my uncle Toby, after he had turned the rough side outwards,вБ†вАФput it on:вБ†вЄЇвБ†This done, he proceeded next to his breeches, and having buttoned the waistband, he forthwith buckled on his sword-belt, and had got his sword halfway in,вБ†вАФwhen he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on,вБ†вАФso took it off:вБ†вЄЇвБ†In assaying to put on his regimental coat and waistcoat, my uncle Toby found the same objection in his wig,вБ†вАФso that went off too:вБ†вАФSo that what with one thing and what with another, as always falls out when a man is in the most haste,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas ten oвАЩclock, which was half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle Toby sallied out. + 

XXV + 

My uncle Toby had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedge, which separated his kitchen-garden from his bowling-green, when he perceived the corporal had begun the attack without him.вБ†вЄї + 

Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporalвАЩs apparatus; and of the corporal himself in the height of his attack, just as it struck my uncle Toby, as he turned towards the sentry-box, where the corporal was at work,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for in nature there is not such another,вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor can any combination of all that is grotesque and whimsical in her works produce its equal. + 

The corporalвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of genius,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for he was your kinsman: + 

Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness,вБ†вАФfor he was your brother.вБ†вАФOh corporal! had I thee, but now,вБ†вАФnow, that I am able to give thee a dinner and protection,вБ†вАФhow would I cherish thee! thou shouldвАЩst wear thy Montero-cap every hour of the day, and every day of the week,вБ†вАФand when it was worn out, I would purchase thee a couple like it:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But alas! alas! alas! now that I can do this in spite of their reverencesвБ†вАФthe occasion is lostвБ†вАФfor thou art gone;вБ†вАФthy genius fled up to the stars from whence it came;вБ†вАФand that warm heart of thine, with all its generous and open vessels, compressed into a clod of the valley! + 

вЄЇвБ†But whatвБ†вЄЇвБ†what is this, to that future and dreaded page, where I look towards the velvet pall, decorated with the military ensigns of thy masterвБ†вАФthe firstвБ†вАФthe foremost of created beings;вБ†вЄЇвБ†where, I shall see thee, faithful servant! laying his sword and scabbard with a trembling hand across his coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to the door, to take his mourning horse by the bridle, to follow his hearse, as he directed thee;вБ†вЄЇвБ†whereвБ†вАФall my fatherвАЩs systems shall be baffled by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall behold him, as he inspects the lackered plate, twice taking his spectacles from off his nose, to wipe away the dew which nature has shed upon themвБ†вЄЇвБ†When I see him cast in the rosemary with an air of disconsolation, which cries through my ears,вБ†вЄЇвБ†O Toby! in what corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow? + 

вЄЇвБ†Gracious powers! which erst have opened the lips of the dumb in his distress, and made the tongue of the stammerer speak plainвБ†вЄЇвБ†when I shall arrive at this dreaded page, deal not with me, then, with a stinted hand. + 

XXVI + 

The corporal, who the night before had resolved in his mind to supply the grand desideratum, of keeping up something like an incessant firing upon the enemy during the heat of the attack,вБ†вАФhad no further idea in his fancy at that time, than a contrivance of smoking tobacco against the town, out of one of my uncle TobyвАЩs six field-pieces, which were planted on each side of his sentry-box; the means of effecting which occurring to his fancy at the time same, though he had pledged his cap, he thought it in no danger from the miscarriage of his projects. + 

Upon turning it this way, and that, a little in his mind, he soon began to find out, that by means of his two Turkish tobacco-pipes, with the supplement of three smaller tubes of wash-leather at each of their lower ends, to be taggвАЩd by the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holes, and sealed with clay next the cannon, and then tied hermetically with waxed silk at their several insertions into the Morocco tube,вБ†вАФhe should be able to fire the six field-pieces all together, and with the same ease as to fire one.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Let no man say from what taggs and jaggs hints may not be cut out for the advancement of human knowledge. Let no man, who has read my fatherвАЩs first and second beds of justice, ever rise up and say again, from collision of what kinds of bodies light may or may not be struck out, to carry the arts and sciences up to perfection.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Heaven! thou knowest how I love them;вБ†вЄЇвБ†thou knowest the secrets of my heart, and that I would this moment give my shirtвБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou art a fool, Shandy, says Eugenius, for thou hast but a dozen in the world,вБ†вАФand вАЩtwill break thy set.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

No matter for that, Eugenius; I would give the shirt off my back to be burned into tinder, were it only to satisfy one feverish enquirer, how many sparks at one good stroke, a good flint and steel could strike into the tail of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Think ye not that in striking these in,вБ†вАФhe might, peradventure, strike something out? as sure as a gun.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†But this project, by the by. + 

The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing his to perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his cannon, with charging them to the top with tobacco,вБ†вАФhe went with contentment to bed. + 

XXVII + 

The corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle Toby, in order to fix his apparatus, and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle Toby came. + 

He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close up together in front of my uncle TobyвАЩs sentry-box, leaving only an interval of about a yard and a half betwixt the three, on the right and left, for the convenience of charging, etc.вБ†вАФand the sake possibly of two batteries, which he might think double the honour of one. + 

In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his post:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand,вБ†вАФand the ebony pipe tippвАЩd with silver, which appertained to the battery on the left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the otherвБ†вЄЇвБ†and with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, was the corporal with his Montero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against the counter-guard, which faced the counter-scarp, where the attack was to be made that morning. His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a single puff or two;вБ†вАФbut the pleasure of the puffs, as well as the puffing, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my uncle Toby joined him. + 

вАЩTwas well for my father, that my uncle Toby had not his will to make that day. + 

XXVIII + 

My uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out of the corporalвАЩs hand,вБ†вАФlooked at it for half a minute, and returned it. + 

In less than two minutes, my uncle Toby took the pipe from the corporal again, and raised it halfway to his mouthвБ†вЄЇвБ†then hastily gave it back a second time. + 

The corporal redoubled the attack,вБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby smiled,вБ†вЄЇвБ†then looked grave,вБ†вЄЇвБ†then smiled for a moment,вБ†вЄЇвБ†then looked serious for a long time;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Give me hold of the ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby put it to his lips,вБ†вЄЇвБ†drew it back directly,вБ†вАФgave a peep over the hornbeam hedge;вБ†вЄЇвБ†never did my uncle TobyвАЩs mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Dear uncle Toby! donвАЩt go into the sentry-box with the pipe,вБ†вАФthereвАЩs no trusting a manвАЩs self with such a thing in such a corner. + 

XXIX + 

I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle TobyвАЩs ordnance behind the scenes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that done, my dear friend Garrick, weвАЩll snuff the candles bright,вБ†вАФsweep the stage with a new broom,вБ†вАФdraw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be akin to love,вБ†вАФand bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle Toby in these, to trace these family likenesses betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your heartвАЩs content. + 

Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kindвБ†вАФand thou puzzlest us in every one. + 

There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you canвБ†вАФyou can have no conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you (when a siege was out of his head), that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle Toby ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose. + 

With all this, Madam,вБ†вАФand what confounded everything as much on the other hand, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and which, by the by, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that you might as soonвБ†вЄЇвБ†But where am I going? these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts. + 

XXX + 

Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the sting of love was,вБ†вАФ(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards)вБ†вАФthe greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their namesвБ†вАФrecollect them I cannotвБ†вАФso be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.вБ†вЄї + 

There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Dardanus, and Pontus, and Asius,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the XII, whom the Countess of K***** herself could make nothing of.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There was Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Polixenes, and Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom (except Cappadocius and Pontus, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the goddessвБ†вЄЇвБ†The truth is, they had all of them something else to doвБ†вАФand so had my uncle TobyвБ†вАФtill FateвБ†вАФtill Fate I say, envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity with AldrovandusвАЩs and the rest,вБ†вАФshe basely patched up the peace of Utrecht. + 

вЄЇвБ†Believe me, Sirs, вАЩtwas the worst deed she did that year. + 

XXXI + 

Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht, it was within a point of giving my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appetite afterwards, yet Calais itself left not a deeper scar in MaryвАЩs heart, than Utrecht upon my uncle TobyвАЩs. To the end of his life he never could hear Utrecht mentioned upon any account whatever,вБ†вАФor so much as read an article of news extracted out of the Utrecht Gazette, without fetching a sigh, as if his heart would break in twain. + 

My father, who was a great motive-monger, and consequently a very dangerous person for a man to sit by, either laughing or crying,вБ†вАФfor he generally knew your motive for doing both, much better than you knew it yourselfвБ†вАФwould always console my uncle Toby upon these occasions, in a way, which showed plainly, he imagined my uncle Toby grieved for nothing in the whole affair, so much as the loss of his hobbyhorse.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Never mind, brother Toby, he would say,вБ†вАФby GodвАЩs blessing we shall have another war break out again some of these days; and when it does,вБ†вАФthe belligerent powers, if they would hang themselves, cannot keep us out of play.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I defy вАЩem, my dear Toby, he would add, to take countries without taking towns,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or towns without sieges. + 

My uncle Toby never took this backstroke of my fatherвАЩs at his hobbyhorse kindly.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He thought the stroke ungenerous; and the more so, because in striking the horse he hit the rider too, and in the most dishonourable part a blow could fall; so that upon these occasions, he always laid down his pipe upon the table with more fire to defend himself than common. + 

I told the reader, this time two years, that my uncle Toby was not eloquent; and in the very same page gave an instance to the contrary:вБ†вЄЇвБ†I repeat the observation, and a fact which contradicts it again.вБ†вАФHe was not eloquent,вБ†вАФit was not easy to my uncle Toby to make long harangues,вБ†вАФand he hated florid ones; but there were occasions where the stream overflowed the man, and ran so counter to its usual course, that in some parts my uncle Toby, for a time, was at least equal to TertullusвБ†вЄЇвБ†but in others, in my own opinion, infinitely above him. + 

My father was so highly pleased with one of these apologetical orations of my uncle TobyвАЩs, which he had delivered one evening before him and Yorick, that he wrote it down before he went to bed. + 

I have had the good fortune to meet with it amongst my fatherвАЩs papers, with here and there an insertion of his own, betwixt two crooks, thus [¬†¬†¬†¬†], and is endorsed, + 

My Brother TobyвАЩs Justification of His Own Principles and Conduct in Wishing to Continue the War + 

I may safely say, I have read over this apologetical oration of my uncle TobyвАЩs a hundred times, and think it so fine a model of defence,вБ†вАФand shows so sweet a temperament of gallantry and good principles in him, that I give it the world, word for word (interlineations and all), as I find it. + 

XXXII + 

My Uncle TobyвАЩs Apologetical Oration + 

I am not insensible, brother Shandy, that when a man whose profession is arms, wishes, as I have done, for war,вБ†вАФit has an ill aspect to the world;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that, how just and right soever his motives and intentions may be,вБ†вАФhe stands in an uneasy posture in vindicating himself from private views in doing it. + 

For this cause, if a soldier is a prudent man, which he may be without being a jot the less brave, he will be sure not to utter his wish in the hearing of an enemy; for say what he will, an enemy will not believe him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He will be cautious of doing it even to a friend,вБ†вАФlest he may suffer in his esteem:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But if his heart is overcharged, and a secret sigh for arms must have its vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a brother, who knows his character to the bottom, and what his true notions, dispositions, and principles of honour are: What, I hope, I have been in all these, brother Shandy, would be unbecoming in me to say:вБ†вЄЇвБ†much worse, I know, have I been than I ought,вБ†вАФand something worse, perhaps, than I think: But such as I am, you, my dear brother Shandy, who have sucked the same breasts with me,вБ†вАФand with whom I have been brought up from my cradle,вБ†вАФand from whose knowledge, from the first hours of our boyish pastimes, down to this, I have concealed no one action of my life, and scarce a thought in itвБ†вЄЇвБ†Such as I am, brother, you must by this time know me, with all my vices, and with all my weaknesses too, whether of my age, my temper, my passions, or my understanding. + 

Tell me then, my dear brother Shandy, upon which of them it is, that when I condemned the peace of Utrecht, and grieved the war was not carried on with vigour a little longer, you should think your brother did it upon unworthy views; or that in wishing for war, he should be bad enough to wish more of his fellow-creatures slain,вБ†вАФmore slaves made, and more families driven from their peaceful habitations, merely for his own pleasure:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tell me, brother Shandy, upon what one deed of mine do you ground it? [The devil a deed do I know of, dear Toby, but one for a hundred pounds, which I lent thee to carry on these cursed sieges.] + 

If, when I was a schoolboy, I could not hear a drum beat, but my heart beat with itвБ†вАФwas it my fault? Did I plant the propensity there?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Did I sound the alarm within, or Nature? + 

When Guy, Earl of Warwick, and Parismus and Parismenus, and Valentine and Orson, and the Seven Champions of England, were handed around the school,вБ†вАФwere they not all purchased with my own pocket-money? Was that selfish, brother Shandy? When we read over the siege of Troy, which lasted ten years and eight months,вБ†вЄЇвБ†though with such a train of artillery as we had at Namur, the town might have been carried in a weekвБ†вАФwas I not as much concerned for the destruction of the Greeks and Trojans as any boy of the whole school? Had I not three strokes of a ferula given me, two on my right hand, and one on my left, for calling Helena a bitch for it? Did any one of you shed more tears for Hector? And when king Priam came to the camp to beg his body, and returned weeping back to Troy without it,вБ†вАФyou know, brother, I could not eat my dinner.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Did that bespeak me cruel? Or because, brother Shandy, my blood flew out into the camp, and my heart panted for war,вБ†вАФwas it a proof it could not ache for the distresses of war too? + 

O brother! вАЩtis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels,вБ†вАФand вАЩtis another to scatter cypress.вБ†вЄЇ[Who told thee, my dear Toby, that cypress was used by the ancients on mournful occasions?] + 

вЄЇвАЩTis one thing, brother Shandy, for a soldier to hazard his own lifeвБ†вАФto leap first down into the trench, where he is sure to be cut in pieces:вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis one thing, from public spirit and a thirst of glory, to enter the breach the first man,вБ†вАФTo stand in the foremost rank, and march bravely on with drums and trumpets, and colours flying about his ears:вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis one thing, I say, brother Shandy, to do this,вБ†вАФand вАЩtis another thing to reflect on the miseries of war;вБ†вАФto view the desolations of whole countries, and consider the intolerable fatigues and hardships which the soldier himself, the instrument who works them, is forced (for sixpence a day, if he can get it) to undergo. + 

Need I be told, dear Yorick, as I was by you, in Le FeverвАЩs funeral sermon, That so soft and gentle a creature, born to love, to mercy, and kindness, as man is, was not shaped for this?вБ†вЄЇвБ†But why did you not add, Yorick,вБ†вАФif not by natureвБ†вАФthat he is so by necessity?вБ†вЄЇвБ†For what is war? what is it, Yorick, when fought as ours has been, upon principles of liberty, and upon principles of honourвБ†вЄЇвБ†what is it, but the getting together of quiet and harmless people, with their swords in their hands, to keep the ambitious and the turbulent within bounds? And heaven is my witness, brother Shandy, that the pleasure I have taken in these things,вБ†вАФand that infinite delight, in particular, which has attended my sieges in my bowling-green, has arose within me, and I hope in the corporal too, from the consciousness we both had, that in carrying them on, we were answering the great ends of our creation. + 

XXXIII + 

I told the Christian readerвБ†вЄЇвБ†I say ChristianвБ†вЄЇвБ†hoping he is oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if he is not, I am sorry for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and only beg he will consider the matter with himself, and not lay the blame entirely upon this bookвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I told him, SirвБ†вЄЇвБ†for in good truth, when a man is telling a story in the strange way I do mine, he is obliged continually to be going backwards and forwards to keep all tight together in the readerвАЩs fancyвБ†вЄЇвБ†which, for my own part, if I did not take heed to do more than at first, there is so much unfixed and equivocal matter starting up, with so many breaks and gaps in it,вБ†вАФand so little service do the stars afford, which, nevertheless, I hang up in some of the darkest passages, knowing that the world is apt to lose its way, with all the lights the sun itself at noonday can give itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and now you see, I am lost myself!вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis my fatherвАЩs fault; and whenever my brains come to be dissected, you will perceive, without spectacles, that he has left a large uneven thread, as you sometimes see in an unsaleable piece of cambrick, running along the whole length of the web, and so untowardly, you cannot so much as cut out a *¬†*, (here I hang up a couple of lights again)вБ†вЄЇвБ†or a fillet, or a thumbstall, but it is seen or felt.вБ†вЄї + 

Quanto id diligentius in liberis procreandis cavendum, sayeth Cardan. All which being considered, and that you see вАЩtis morally impracticable for me to wind this round to where I set outвБ†вЄї + 

I begin the chapter over again. + 

XXXIV + 

I told the Christian reader in the beginning of the chapter which preceded my uncle TobyвАЩs apologetical oration,вБ†вАФthough in a different trope from what I should make use of now, That the peace of Utrecht was within an ace of creating the same shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and his hobbyhorse, as it did betwixt the queen and the rest of the confederating powers. + 

There is an indignant way in which a man sometimes dismounts his horse, which as good as says to him, вАЬIвАЩll go afoot, Sir, all the days of my life, before I would ride a single mile upon your back again.вАЭ Now my uncle Toby could not be said to dismount his horse in this manner; for in strictness of language, he could not be said to dismount his horse at allвБ†вЄЇвБ†his horse rather flung himвБ†вЄЇвБ†and somewhat viciously, which made my uncle Toby take it ten times more unkindly. Let this matter be settled by state-jockies as they like.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It created, I say, a sort of shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and his hobbyhorse.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He had no occasion for him from the month of March to November, which was the summer after the articles were signed, except it was now and then to take a short ride out, just to see that the fortifications and harbour of Dunkirk were demolished, according to stipulation. + 

The French were so backwards all that summer in setting about that affair, and Monsieur Tugghe, the Deputy from the magistrates of Dunkirk, presented so many affecting petitions to the queen,вБ†вАФbeseeching her majesty to cause only her thunderbolts to fall upon the martial works, which might have incurred her displeasure,вБ†вАФbut to spareвБ†вАФto spare the mole, for the moleвАЩs sake; which, in its naked situation, could be no more than an object of pityвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the queen (who was but a woman) being of a pitiful disposition,вБ†вАФand her ministers also, they not wishing in their hearts to have the town dismantled, for these private reasons, * * * * * * * * * * * *вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *; so that the whole went heavily on with my uncle Toby; insomuch, that it was not within three full months, after he and the corporal had constructed the town, and put it in a condition to be destroyed, that the several commandants, commissaries, deputies, negociators, and intendants, would permit him to set about it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Fatal interval of inactivity! + 

The corporal was for beginning the demolition, by making a breach in the ramparts, or main fortifications of the townвБ†вЄЇвБ†No,вБ†вАФthat will never do, corporal, said my uncle Toby, for in going that way to work with the town, the English garrison will not be safe in it an hour; because if the French are treacherousвБ†вЄЇвБ†They are as treacherous as devils, anвАЩ please your honour, said the corporalвБ†вЄЇвБ†It gives me concern always when I hear it, Trim, said my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФfor they donвАЩt want personal bravery; and if a breach is made in the ramparts, they may enter it, and make themselves masters of the place when they please:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Let them enter it, said the corporal, lifting up his pioneerвАЩs spade in both his hands, as if he was going to lay about him with it,вБ†вАФlet them enter, anвАЩ please your honour, if they dare.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In cases like this, corporal, said my uncle Toby, slipping his right hand down to the middle of his cane, and holding it afterwards truncheon-wise with his forefinger extended,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis no part of the consideration of a commandant, what the enemy dare,вБ†вАФor what they dare not do; he must act with prudence. We will begin with the outworks both towards the sea and the land, and particularly with fort Louis, the most distant of them all, and demolish it first,вБ†вАФand the rest, one by one, both on our right and left, as we retreat towards the town;вБ†вЄЇвБ†then weвАЩll demolish the mole,вБ†вАФnext fill up the harbour,вБ†вАФthen retire into the citadel, and blow it up into the air: and having done that, corporal, weвАЩll embark for England.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We are there, quoth the corporal, recollecting himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†Very true, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФlooking at the church. + 

XXXV + 

A delusive, delicious consultation or two of this kind, betwixt my uncle Toby and Trim, upon the demolition of Dunkirk,вБ†вАФfor a moment rallied back the ideas of those pleasures, which were slipping from under him:вБ†вЄЇвБ†stillвБ†вАФstill all went on heavilyвБ†вЄЇвБ†the magic left the mind the weakerвБ†вАФStillness, with Silence at her back, entered the solitary parlour, and drew their gauzy mantle over my uncle TobyвАЩs head;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and Listlessness, with her lax fibre and undirected eye, sat quietly down beside him in his armchair.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No longer Amberg and Rhinberg, and Limbourg, and Huy, and Bonn, in one year,вБ†вАФand the prospect of Landen, and Trerebach, and Drusen, and Dendermond, the next,вБ†вАФhurried on the blood:вБ†вАФNo longer did saps, and mines, and blinds, and gabions, and palisadoes, keep out this fair enemy of manвАЩs repose:вБ†вЄЇвБ†No more could my uncle Toby, after passing the French lines, as he eat his egg at supper, from thence break into the heart of France,вБ†вАФcross over the Oyes, and with all Picardie open behind him, march up to the gates of Paris, and fall asleep with nothing but ideas of glory:вБ†вЄЇвБ†No more was he to dream he had fixed the royal standard upon the tower of the Bastile, and awake with it streaming in his head. + 

вЄЇвБ†Softer visions,вБ†вАФgentler vibrations stole sweetly in upon his slumbers;вБ†вАФthe trumpet of war fell out of his hands,вБ†вАФhe took up the lute, sweet instrument! of all others the most delicate! the most difficult!вБ†вЄЇвБ†how wilt thou touch it, my dear uncle Toby? + 

XXXVI + 

Now, because I have once or twice said, in my inconsiderate way of talking, That I was confident the following memoirs of my uncle TobyвАЩs courtship of widow Wadman, whenever I got time to write them, would turn out one of the most complete systems, both of the elementary and practical part of love and lovemaking, that ever was addressed to the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†are you to imagine from thence, that I shall set out with a description of what love is? whether part God and part Devil, as Plotinus will have itвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Or by a more critical equation, and supposing the whole of love to be as tenвБ†вЄЇвБ†to determine with Ficinus, вАЬHow many parts of itвБ†вАФthe one,вБ†вАФand how many the other;вАЭвБ†вАФor whether it is all of it one great Devil, from head to tail, as Plato has taken upon him to pronounce; concerning which conceit of his, I shall not offer my opinion:вБ†вАФbut my opinion of Plato is this; that he appears, from this instance, to have been a man of much the same temper and way of reasoning with doctor Baynyard, who being a great enemy to blisters, as imagining that half a dozen of вАЩem at once, would draw a man as surely to his grave, as a herse and sixвБ†вАФrashly concluded, that the Devil himself was nothing in the world, but one great bouncing Canthari[di]s.вБ†вЄї + 

I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous liberty in arguing, but what Nazianzen cried out (that is, polemically) to PhilagriusвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАЬќХбљЦќ≥ќµ!вАЭ O rare! вАЩtis fine reasoning, Sir, indeed!вБ†вАФвАЬбљЕѕДќє ѕЖќєќїќњѕГќњѕЖќµбњЦѕВ бЉРќљ ќ†ќђќЄќµѕГќєвАЭвБ†вАФand most nobly do you aim at truth, when you philosophize about it in your moods and passions. + 

Nor is it to be imagined, for the same reason, I should stop to inquire, whether love is a disease,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or embroil myself with Rhasis and Dioscorides, whether the seat of it is in the brain or liver;вБ†вАФbecause this would lead me on, to an examination of the two very opposite manners, in which patients have been treatedвБ†вЄЇвБ†the one, of A√¶tius, who always begun with a cooling clyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers;вБ†вАФand followed on with thin potations of water-lillies and purslaneвБ†вАФto which he added a pinch of snuff of the herb Hanea;вБ†вАФand where A√¶tius durst venture it,вБ†вАФhis topaz-ring. + 

вЄЇвБ†The other, that of Gordonius, who (in his cap. 15 de Amore) directs they should be thrashed, вАЬad putorem usque,вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†till they stink again. + 

These are disquisitions, which my father, who had laid in a great stock of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy with in the progress of my uncle TobyвАЩs affairs: I must anticipate thus much, That from his theories of love, (with which, by the way, he contrived to crucify my uncle TobyвАЩs mind, almost as much as his amours themselves)вБ†вАФhe took a single step into practice;вБ†вАФand by means of a camphorated cerecloth, which he found means to impose upon the tailor for buckram, whilst he was making my uncle Toby a new pair of breeches, he produced GordoniusвАЩs effect upon my uncle Toby without the disgrace. + 

What changes this produced, will be read in its proper place: all that is needful to be added to the anecdote, is thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†That whatever effect it had upon my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвБ†it had a vile effect upon the house;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if my uncle Toby had not smoaked it down as he did, it might have had a vile effect upon my father too. + 

XXXVII + 

вЄЇвАЩTwill come out of itself by and bye.вБ†вЄЇвБ†All I contend for is, that I am not obliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so long as I can go on with my story intelligibly, with the help of the word itself, without any other idea to it, than what I have in common with the rest of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before the time?вБ†вЄЇвБ†When I can get on no further,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and find myself entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth,вБ†вАФmy Opinion will then come in, in course,вБ†вАФand lead me out. + 

At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in telling the reader, my uncle Toby fell in love: + 

вАФNot that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is fallen in love,вБ†вАФor that he is deeply in love,вБ†вАФor up to the ears in love,вБ†вАФand sometimes even over head and ears in it,вБ†вАФcarries an idiomatical kind of implication, that love is a thing below a man:вБ†вАФthis is recurring again to PlatoвАЩs opinion, which, with all his divinityship,вБ†вАФI hold to be damnable and heretical:вБ†вАФand so much for that. + 

Let love therefore be what it will,вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby fell into it. + 

вЄЇвБ†And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptationвБ†вАФso wouldst thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy concupiscence covet anything in this world, more concupiscible than widow Wadman. + 

XXXVIII + 

To conceive this right,вБ†вАФcall for pen and inkвБ†вАФhereвАЩs paper ready to your hand.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sit down, Sir, paint her to your own mindвБ†вЄЇвБ†as like your mistress as you canвБ†вЄЇвБ†as unlike your wife as your conscience will let youвБ†вАФвАЩtis all one to meвБ†вЄЇвБ†please but your own fancy in it. + 

вЄїWas ever anything in Nature so sweet!вБ†вАФso exquisite! + 

вЄЇвБ†Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle Toby resist it? + 

Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least, within thy covers, which Malice will not blacken, and which Ignorance cannot misrepresent. + 

XXXIX + 

As Susannah was informed by an express from Mrs.¬†Bridget, of my uncle TobyвАЩs falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened,вБ†вАФthe contents of which express, Susannah communicated to my mother the next day,вБ†вАФit has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle TobyвАЩs amours a fortnight before their existence. + 

I have an article of news to tell you, Mr.¬†Shandy, quoth my mother, which will surprise you greatly.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother broke silence.вБ†вЄї + 

вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†My brother Toby, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs.¬†Wadman.вАЭ + 

вЄЇвБ†Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives. + 

It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother never asked the meaning of a thing she did not understand. + 

вЄЇвБ†That she is not a woman of science, my father would sayвБ†вАФis her misfortuneвБ†вАФbut she might ask a question.вБ†вАФ + 

My mother never did.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In short, she went out of the world at last without knowing whether it turned round, or stood still.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father had officiously told her above a thousand times which way it was,вБ†вАФbut she always forgot. + 

For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt them, than a proposition,вБ†вАФa reply, and a rejoinder; at the end of which, it generally took breath for a few minutes (as in the affair of the breeches), and then went on again. + 

If he marries, вАЩtwill be the worse for us,вБ†вАФquoth my mother. + 

Not a cherrystone, said my father,вБ†вАФhe may as well batter away his means upon that, as anything else. + 

вЄЇвБ†To be sure, said my mother: so here ended the proposition,вБ†вАФthe reply,вБ†вАФand the rejoinder, I told you of. + 

It will be some amusement to him, too,вБ†вЄЇвБ†said my father. + 

A very great one, answered my mother, if he should have children.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Lord have mercy upon me,вБ†вАФsaid my father to himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * + 

XL + 

I am now beginning to get fairly into my work; and by the help of a vegetable diet, with a few of the cold seeds, I make no doubt but I shall be able to go on with my uncle TobyвАЩs story, and my own, in a tolerable strait line. Now, + 

These were the four lines I moved in through my first, second, third, and fourth volumes.вБ†вАФIn the fifth volume I have been very good,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the precise line I have described in it being this: + 

By which it appears, that except at the curve, marked A, where I took a trip to Navarre,вБ†вАФand the indented curve B, which is the short airing when I was there with the Lady Baussiere and her page,вБ†вАФI have not taken the least frisk of a digression, till John de la CasseвАЩs devils led me the round you see marked D.вБ†вАФfor as for c c c c c they are nothing but parentheses, and the common ins and outs incident to the lives of the greatest ministers of state; and when compared with what men have done,вБ†вАФor with my own transgressions at the letters A B DвБ†вАФthey vanish into nothing. + 

In this last volume I have done better stillвБ†вАФfor from the end of Le FeverвАЩs episode, to the beginning of my uncle TobyвАЩs campaigns,вБ†вАФI have scarce stepped a yard out of my way. + 

If I mend at this rate, it is not impossibleвБ†вЄЇвБ†by the good leave of his grace of BeneventoвАЩs devilsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but I may arrive hereafter at the excellency of going on even thus: + 

which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it, by a writing-masterвАЩs ruler (borrowed for that purpose), turning neither to the right hand or to the left. + 

This right line,вБ†вАФthe pathway for Christians to walk in! say divinesвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†The emblem of moral rectitude! says CiceroвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†The best line! say cabbage plantersвБ†вЄЇвБ†is the shortest line, says Archimedes, which can be drawn from one given point to another.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I wish your ladyships would lay this matter to heart, in your next birthday suits! + 

вЄЇвБ†What a journey! + 

Pray can you tell me,вБ†вАФthat is, without anger, before I write my chapter upon straight linesвБ†вЄЇвБ†by what mistakeвБ†вЄЇвБ†who told them soвБ†вЄЇвБ†or how it has come to pass, that your men of wit and genius have all along confounded this line, with the line of gravitation? + 