XXVI
It is natural for a perfect stranger who is going from London to Edinburgh, to enquire before he sets out, how many miles to York; which is about the halfwayвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor does anybody wonder, if he goes on and asks about the corporation, etc.вБ†вАФ
It was just as natural for Mrs. Wadman, whose first husband was all his time afflicted with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far from the hip to the groin; and how far she was likely to suffer more or less in her feelings, in the one case than in the other.
She had accordingly read DrakeвАЩs anatomy from one end to the other. She had peeped into Wharton upon the brain, and borrowed Graaf upon the bones and muscles; but could make nothing of it.
She had reasonвАЩd likewise from her own powersвБ†вЄЇвБ†laid down theoremsвБ†вЄЇвБ†drawn consequences, and come to no conclusion.
To clear up all, she had twice asked Doctor Slop, вАЬif poor captain Shandy was ever likely to recover of his woundвБ†вЄЇ?вАЭ
вЄЇвБ†He is recovered, Doctor Slop would sayвБ†вЄЇвБ†
What! quite?
Quite: madamвБ†вЄЇвБ†
But what do you mean by a recovery? Mrs. Wadman would say.
Doctor Slop was the worst man alive at definitions; and so Mrs. Wadman could get no knowledge: in short, there was no way to extract it, but from my uncle Toby himself.
There is an accent of humanity in an enquiry of this kind which lulls Suspicion to restвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I am half persuaded the serpent got pretty near it, in his discourse with Eve; for the propensity in the sex to be deceived could not be so great, that she should have boldness to hold chat with the devil, without itвБ†вЄЇвБ†But there is an accent of humanityвБ†вЄЇвБ†how shall I describe it?вБ†вАФвАЩtis an accent which covers the part with a garment, and gives the enquirer a right to be as particular with it, as your body-surgeon.
вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Was it without remission?вБ†вАФ
вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Was it more tolerable in bed?
вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Could he lie on both sides alike with it?
вАЬвБ†вАФWas he able to mount a horse?
вАЬвБ†вАФWas motion bad for it?вАЭ et cetera, were so tenderly spoke to, and so directed towards my uncle TobyвАЩs heart, that every item of them sunk ten times deeper into it than the evils themselvesвБ†вЄЇвБ†but when Mrs.¬†Wadman went round about by Namur to get at my uncle TobyвАЩs groin; and engaged him to attack the point of the advanced counterscarp, and p√™le m√™le with the Dutch to take the counterguard of St.¬†Roch sword in handвБ†вАФand then with tender notes playing upon his ear, led him all bleeding by the hand out of the trench, wiping her eye, as he was carried to his tentвБ†вЄЇвБ†Heaven! Earth! Sea!вБ†вАФall was lifted upвБ†вАФthe springs of nature rose above their levelsвБ†вАФan angel of mercy sat besides him on the sofaвБ†вАФhis heart glowвАЩd with fireвБ†вАФand had he been worth a thousand, he had lost every heart of them to Mrs.¬†Wadman.
вАФAnd whereabouts, dear Sir, quoth Mrs.¬†Wadman, a little categorically, did you receive this sad blow?вБ†вЄЇвБ†In asking this question, Mrs.¬†Wadman gave a slight glance towards the waistband of my uncle TobyвАЩs red plush breeches, expecting naturally, as the shortest reply to it, that my uncle Toby would lay his forefinger upon the placeвБ†вЄЇвБ†It fell out otherwiseвБ†вЄЇвБ†for my uncle Toby having got his wound before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas, in one of the traverses of the trench opposite to the salient angle of the demibastion of St.¬†Roch; he could at any time stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where he was standing when the stone struck him: this struck instantly upon my uncle TobyвАЩs sensoriumвБ†вЄЇвБ†and with it, struck his large map of the town and citadel of Namur and its environs, which he had purchased and pasted down upon a board, by the corporalвАЩs aid, during his long illnessвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had lain with other military lumber in the garret ever since, and accordingly the corporal was detached into the garret to fetch it.
My uncle Toby measured off thirty toises, with Mrs.¬†WadmanвАЩs scissors, from the returning angle before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas; and with such a virgin modesty laid her finger upon the place, that the goddess of Decency, if then in beingвБ†вАФif not, вАЩtwas her shadeвБ†вАФshook her head, and with a finger wavering across her eyesвБ†вАФforbid her to explain the mistake.
Unhappy Mrs. Wadman!
вЄЇвБ†For nothing can make this chapter go off with spirit but an apostrophe to theeвБ†вЄЇвБ†but my heart tells me, that in such a crisis an apostrophe is but an insult in disguise, and ere I would offer one to a woman in distressвБ†вАФlet the chapter go to the devil; provided any damnвАЩd critic in keeping will be but at the trouble to take it with him.