XXXII
From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the Shandy familyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and it is from this point properly, that the story of my Life and my Opinions sets out. With all my hurry and precipitation, I have but been clearing the ground to raise the buildingвБ†вЄЇвБ†and such a building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as never was executed since Adam. In less than five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after itвБ†вАФI have but half a score things to do in the timeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have a thing to nameвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to lamentвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to hopeвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to promise, and a thing to threatenвБ†вАФI have a thing to supposeвБ†вАФa thing to declareвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to concealвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to choose, and a thing to pray forвБ†вЄїThis chapter, therefore, I name the chapter of ThingsвБ†вЄїand my next chapter to it, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall be my chapter upon whiskers, in order to keep up some sort of connection in my works.
The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards which I have all the way looked forwards, with so much earnest desire; and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle Toby, the events of which are of so singular a nature, and so Cervantick a cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same impressions to every other brain, which the occurrences themselves excite in my ownвБ†вАФI will answer for it the book shall make its way in the world, much better than its master has done before it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Oh Tristram! Tristram! can this but be once brought aboutвБ†вЄЇвБ†the credit, which will attend thee as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a manвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou wilt feast upon the oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†when thou hast lost all sense and remembrance of the other!вБ†вЄЇвБ†
No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amoursвБ†вАФThey are the choicest morsel of my whole story! and when I do get at вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†assure yourselves, good folksвБ†вАФ(nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takes offence at it) I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and thatвАЩs the thing I have to declare.вБ†вЄїI shall never get all through in five minutes, that I fearвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the thing I hope is, that your worships and reverences are not offendedвБ†вАФif you are, depend uponвАЩt IвАЩll give you something, my good gentry, next year to be offended atвБ†вЄЇвБ†thatвАЩs my dear JennyвАЩs wayвБ†вАФbut who my Jenny isвБ†вАФand which is the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be concealedвБ†вАФit shall be told you in the next chapter but one to my chapter of ButtonholesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and not one chapter before.
And now that you have just got to the end of these four volumesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the thing I have to ask is, how you feel your heads? my own akes dismally!вБ†вЄїas for your healths, I know, they are much better.вБ†вАФTrue Shandeism, think what you will against it, opens the heart and lungs, and like all those affections which partake of its nature, it forces the blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freely through its channels, makes the wheel of life run long and cheerfully round.
Was I left, like Sancho Panca, to choose my kingdom, it should not be maritimeвБ†вАФor a kingdom of blacks to make a penny of;вБ†вАФno, it should be a kingdom of hearty laughing subjects: And as the bilious and more saturnine passions, by creating disorders in the blood and humours, have as bad an influence, I see, upon the body politick as body naturalвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern those passions, and subject them to reasonвБ†вЄїI should add to my prayerвБ†вАФthat God would give my subjects grace to be as wise as they were merry; and then should I be the happiest monarch, and they the happiest people under heaven.
And so, with this moral for the present, may it please your worships and your reverences, I take my leave of you till this time twelvemonth, when, (unless this vile cough kills me in the meantime) IвАЩll have another pluck at your beards, and lay open a story to the world you little dream of.