Book + 

II + 

I + 

I have begun a new book, on purpose that I might have room enough to explain the nature of the perplexities in which my uncle Toby was involved, from the many discourses and interrogations about the siege of Namur, where he received his wound. + 

I must remind the reader, in case he has read the history of King WilliamвАЩs wars,вБ†вАФbut if he has not,вБ†вАФI then inform him, that one of the most memorable attacks in that siege, was that which was made by the English and Dutch upon the point of the advanced counterscarp, between the gate of St.¬†Nicolas, which enclosed the great sluice or water-stop, where the English were terribly exposed to the shot of the counter-guard and demi-bastion of St.¬†Roch. The issue of which hot dispute, in three words, was this; That the Dutch lodged themselves upon the counter-guard,вБ†вАФand that the English made themselves masters of the covered-way before St.¬†Nicolas-gate, notwithstanding the gallantry of the French officers, who exposed themselves upon the glacis sword in hand. + 

As this was the principal attack of which my uncle Toby was an eyewitness at Namur,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the army of the besiegers being cut off, by the confluence of the Maes and Sambre, from seeing much of each otherвАЩs operations,вБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby was generally more eloquent and particular in his account of it; and the many perplexities he was in, arose out of the almost insurmountable difficulties he found in telling his story intelligibly, and giving such clear ideas of the differences and distinctions between the scarp and counter-scarp,вБ†вАФthe glacis and covered-way,вБ†вАФthe half-moon and ravelin,вБ†вАФas to make his company fully comprehend where and what he was about. + 

Writers themselves are too apt to confound these terms; so that you will the less wonder, if in his endeavours to explain them, and in opposition to many misconceptions, that my uncle Toby did ofttimes puzzle his visitors, and sometimes himself too. + 

To speak the truth, unless the company my father led upstairs were tolerably clearheaded, or my uncle Toby was in one of his explanatory moods, вАЩtwas a difficult thing, do what he could, to keep the discourse free from obscurity. + 

What rendered the account of this affair the more intricate to my uncle Toby, was this,вБ†вАФthat in the attack of the counterscarp, before the gate of St.¬†Nicolas, extending itself from the bank of the Maes, quite up to the great water-stop,вБ†вАФthe ground was cut and cross cut with such a multitude of dykes, drains, rivulets, and sluices, on all sides,вБ†вАФand he would get so sadly bewildered, and set fast amongst them, that frequently he could neither get backwards or forwards to save his life; and was ofttimes obliged to give up the attack upon that very account only. + 

These perplexing rebuffs gave my uncle Toby Shandy more perturbations than you would imagine: and as my fatherвАЩs kindness to him was continually dragging up fresh friends and fresh enquirers,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had but a very uneasy task of it. + 

No doubt my uncle Toby had great command of himself, could guard appearances, I believe, as well as most men;вБ†вАФyet anyone may imagine, that when he could not retreat out of the ravelin without getting into the half-moon, or get out of the covered-way without falling down the counterscarp, nor cross the dyke without danger of slipping into the ditch, but that he must have fretted and fumed inwardly:вБ†вАФHe did so; and the little and hourly vexations, which may seem trifling and of no account to the man who has not read Hippocrates, yet, whoever has read Hippocrates, or Dr.¬†James Mackenzie, and has considered well the effects which the passions and affections of the mind have upon the digestionвБ†вАФ(Why not of a wound as well as of a dinner?)вБ†вАФmay easily conceive what sharp paroxysms and exacerbations of his wound my uncle Toby must have undergone upon that score only. + 

вАФMy uncle Toby could not philosophize upon it;вБ†вАФвАЩtwas enough he felt it was so,вБ†вАФand having sustained the pain and sorrows of it for three months together, he was resolved some way or other to extricate himself. + 

He was one morning lying upon his back in his bed, the anguish and nature of the wound upon his groin suffering him to lie in no other position, when a thought came into his head, that if he could purchase such a thing, and have it pasted down upon a board, as a large map of the fortification of the town and citadel of Namur, with its environs, it might be a means of giving him ease.вБ†вАФI take notice of his desire to have the environs along with the town and citadel, for this reason,вБ†вАФbecause my uncle TobyвАЩs wound was got in one of the traverses, about thirty toises from the returning angle of the trench, opposite to the salient angle of the demi-bastion of St.¬†Roch:вБ†вЄЇвБ†so that he was pretty confident he could stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where he was standing on when the stone struck him. + 

All this succeeded to his wishes, and not only freed him from a world of sad explanations, but, in the end, it proved the happy means, as you will read, of procuring my uncle Toby his Hobbyhorse. + 

II + 

There is nothing so foolish, when you are at the expense of making an entertainment of this kind, as to order things so badly, as to let your criticks and gentry of refined taste run it down: Nor is there anything so likely to make them do it, as that of leaving them out of the party, or, what is full as offensive, of bestowing your attention upon the rest of your guests in so particular a way, as if there was no such thing as a critick (by occupation) at table. + 

вЄЇвБ†I guard against both; for, in the first place, I have left half a dozen places purposely open for them;вБ†вАФand in the next place, I pay them all court.вБ†вАФGentlemen, I kiss your hands, I protest no company could give me half the pleasure,вБ†вАФby my soul I am glad to see youвБ†вЄїI beg only you will make no strangers of yourselves, but sit down without any ceremony, and fall on heartily. + 

I said I had left six places, and I was upon the point of carrying my complaisance so far, as to have left a seventh open for them,вБ†вАФand in this very spot I stand on; but being told by a Critick (though not by occupation,вБ†вАФbut by nature) that I had acquitted myself well enough, I shall fill it up directly, hoping, in the meantime, that I shall be able to make a great deal of more room next year. + 

вЄїHow, in the name of wonder! could your uncle Toby, who, it seems, was a military man, and whom you have represented as no fool,вБ†вЄЇвБ†be at the same time such a confused, pudding-headed, muddleheaded, fellow, asвБ†вАФGo look. + 

So, Sir Critick, I could have replied; but I scorn it.вБ†вАФвАЩTis language unurbane,вБ†вАФand only befitting the man who cannot give clear and satisfactory accounts of things, or dive deep enough into the first causes of human ignorance and confusion. It is moreover the reply valiantвБ†вАФand therefore I reject it: for though it might have suited my uncle TobyвАЩs character as a soldier excellently well, and had he not accustomed himself, in such attacks, to whistle the Lillabullero, as he wanted no courage, вАЩtis the very answer he would have given; yet it would by no means have done for me. You see as plain as can be, that I write as a man of erudition;вБ†вАФthat even my similies, my allusions, my illustrations, my metaphors, are erudite,вБ†вАФand that I must sustain my character properly, and contrast it properly too,вБ†вАФelse what would become of me? Why, Sir, I should be undone;вБ†вАФat this very moment that I am going here to fill up one place against a critick,вБ†вАФI should have made an opening for a couple. + 

вЄЇвБ†Therefore I answer thus: + 

Pray, Sir, in all the reading which you have ever read, did you ever read such a book as LockeвАЩs Essay Upon the Human Understanding?вБ†вЄЇвБ†DonвАЩt answer me rashlyвБ†вАФbecause many, I know, quote the book, who have not read itвБ†вАФand many have read it who understand it not:вБ†вАФIf either of these is your case, as I write to instruct, I will tell you in three words what the book is.вБ†вАФIt is a history.вБ†вАФA history! of who? what? where? when? DonвАЩt hurry yourselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is a history-book, Sir (which may possibly recommend it to the world) of what passes in a manвАЩs own mind; and if you will say so much of the book, and no more, believe me, you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysick circle. + 

But this by the way. + 

Now if you will venture to go along with me, and look down into the bottom of this matter, it will be found that the cause of obscurity and confusion, in the mind of a man, is threefold. + 

Dull organs, dear Sir, in the first place. Secondly, slight and transient impressions made by the objects, when the said organs are not dull. And thirdly, a memory like unto a sieve, not able to retain what it has received.вБ†вАФCall down Dolly your chambermaid, and I will give you my cap and bell along with it, if I make not this matter so plain that Dolly herself should understand it as well as Malbranch.вБ†вЄЇвБ†When Dolly has indited her epistle to Robin, and has thrust her arm into the bottom of her pocket hanging by her right side;вБ†вАФtake that opportunity to recollect that the organs and faculties of perception can, by nothing in this world, be so aptly typified and explained as by that one thing which DollyвАЩs hand is in search of.вБ†вАФYour organs are not so dull that I should inform youвБ†вАФвАЩtis an inch, Sir, of red seal-wax. + 

When this is melted, and dropped upon the letter, if Dolly fumbles too long for her thimble, till the wax is over hardened, it will not receive the mark of her thimble from the usual impulse which was wont to imprint it. Very well. If DollyвАЩs wax, for want of better, is beeswax, or of a temper too soft,вБ†вАФthough it may receive,вБ†вАФit will not hold the impression, how hard soever Dolly thrusts against it; and last of all, supposing the wax good, and eke the thimble, but applied thereto in careless haste, as her Mistress rings the bell;вБ†вЄЇвБ†in any one of these three cases the print left by the thimble will be as unlike the prototype as a brass-jack. + 

Now you must understand that not one of these was the true cause of the confusion in my uncle TobyвАЩs discourse; and it is for that very reason I enlarge upon them so long, after the manner of great physiologistsвБ†вАФto show the world, what it did not arise from. + 

What it did arise from, I have hinted above, and a fertile source of obscurity it is,вБ†вАФand ever will be,вБ†вАФand that is the unsteady uses of words, which have perplexed the clearest and most exalted understandings. + 

It is ten to one (at ArthurвАЩs) whether you have ever read the literary histories of past ages;вБ†вАФif you have, what terrible battles, вАЩyclept logomachies, have they occasioned and perpetuated with so much gall and ink-shed,вБ†вАФthat a good-natured man cannot read the accounts of them without tears in his eyes. + 

Gentle critick! when thou hast weighed all this, and considered within thyself how much of thy own knowledge, discourse, and conversation has been pestered and disordered at one time or other, by this, and this only:вБ†вАФWhat a pudder and racket in Councils about ќњбљРѕГќѓќ± and бљСѕАѕМѕГѕДќ±ѕГќєѕВ; and in the Schools of the learned about power and about spirit;вБ†вАФabout essences, and about quintessences;вБ†вЄЇвБ†about substances, and about space.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What confusion in greater Theatres from words of little meaning, and as indeterminate a sense! when thou considerest this, thou wilt not wonder at my uncle TobyвАЩs perplexities,вБ†вАФthou wilt drop a tear of pity upon his scarp and his counterscarp;вБ†вАФhis glacis and his covered way;вБ†вАФhis ravelin and his half-moon: вАЩTwas not by ideas,вБ†вАФby Heaven; his life was put in jeopardy by words. + 

III + 

When my uncle Toby got his map of Namur to his mind, he began immediately to apply himself, and with the utmost diligence, to the study of it; for nothing being of more importance to him than his recovery, and his recovery depending, as you have read, upon the passions and affections of his mind, it behoved him to take the nicest care to make himself so far master of his subject, as to be able to talk upon it without emotion. + 

In a fortnightвАЩs close and painful application, which, by the by, did my uncle TobyвАЩs wound, upon his groin, no good,вБ†вАФhe was enabled, by the help of some marginal documents at the feet of the elephant, together with GobesiusвАЩs military architecture and pyroballogy, translated from the Flemish, to form his discourse with passable perspicuity; and before he was two full months gone,вБ†вАФhe was right eloquent upon it, and could make not only the attack of the advanced counterscarp with great order;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but having, by that time, gone much deeper into the art, than what his first motive made necessary, my uncle Toby was able to cross the Maes and Sambre; make diversions as far as VaubanвАЩs line, the abbey of Salsines, etc., and give his visitors as distinct a history of each of their attacks, as of that of the gate of St.¬†Nicolas, where he had the honour to receive his wound. + 

But desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it. The more my uncle Toby pored over his map, the more he took a liking to it!вБ†вАФby the same process and electrical assimilation, as I told you, through which I ween the souls of connoisseurs themselves, by long friction and incumbition, have the happiness, at length, to get all be-virtuвАЩdвБ†вАФbe-pictured,вБ†вАФbe-butterflied, and befiddled. + 

The more my uncle Toby drank of this sweet fountain of science, the greater was the heat and impatience of his thirst, so that before the first year of his confinement had well gone round, there was scarce a fortified town in Italy or Flanders, of which, by one means or other, he had not procured a plan, reading over as he got them, and carefully collating therewith the histories of their sieges, their demolitions, their improvements, and new works, all which he would read with that intense application and delight, that he would forget himself, his wound, his confinement, his dinner. + 

In the second year my uncle Toby purchased Ramelli and Cataneo, translated from the Italian;вБ†вАФlikewise Stevinus, Moralis, the Chevalier de Ville, Lorini, Cochorn, Sheeter, the Count de Pagan, the Marshal Vauban, Mons. Blondel, with almost as many more books of military architecture, as Don Quixote was found to have of chivalry, when the curate and barber invaded his library. + 

Towards the beginning of the third year, which was in August, ninety-nine, my uncle Toby found it necessary to understand a little of projectiles:вБ†вАФand having judged it best to draw his knowledge from the fountainhead, he began with N. Tartaglia, who it seems was the first man who detected the imposition of a cannonballвАЩs doing all that mischief under the notion of a right lineвБ†вАФThis N.¬†Tartaglia proved to my uncle Toby to be an impossible thing. + 

вЄЇвБ†Endless is the search of Truth. + 

No sooner was my uncle Toby satisfied which road the cannonball did not go, but he was insensibly led on, and resolved in his mind to enquire and find out which road the ball did go: For which purpose he was obliged to set off afresh with old Maltus, and studied him devoutly.вБ†вАФHe proceeded next to Galileo and Torricellius, wherein, by certain Geometrical rules, infallibly laid down, he found the precise part to be a ParabolaвБ†вАФor else an Hyperbola,вБ†вАФand that the parameter, or latus rectum, of the conic section of the said path, was to the quantity and amplitude in a direct ratio, as the whole line to the sine of double the angle of incidence, formed by the breech upon an horizontal plane;вБ†вАФand that the semiparameter,вБ†вЄЇвБ†stop! my dear uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†stop!вБ†вАФgo not one foot farther into this thorny and bewildered track,вБ†вАФintricate are the steps! intricate are the mazes of this labyrinth! intricate are the troubles which the pursuit of this bewitching phantom Knowledge will bring upon thee.вБ†вАФO my uncle;вБ†вАФflyвБ†вАФfly, fly from it as from a serpent.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Is it fitвБ†вЄЇвБ†good-natured man! thou shouldвАЩst sit up, with the wound upon thy groin, whole nights baking thy blood with hectic watchings?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Alas! вАЩtwill exasperate thy symptoms,вБ†вАФcheck thy perspirationsвБ†вАФevaporate thy spiritsвБ†вАФwaste thy animal strength,вБ†вАФdry up thy radical moisture, bring thee into a costive habit of body,вБ†вЄЇвБ†impair thy health,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and hasten all the infirmities of thy old age.вБ†вЄЇвБ†O my uncle! my uncle Toby. + 

IV + 

I would not give a groat for that manвАЩs knowledge in pencraft, who does not understand this,вБ†вЄЇвБ†That the best plain narrative in the world, tacked very close to the last spirited apostrophe to my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†would have felt both cold and vapid upon the readerвАЩs palate;вБ†вАФtherefore I forthwith put an end to the chapter, though I was in the middle of my story. + 

вЄїWriters of my stamp have one principle in common with painters. Where an exact copying makes our pictures less striking, we choose the less evil; deeming it even more pardonable to trespass against truth, than beauty. This is to be understood cum grano salis; but be it as it will,вБ†вАФas the parallel is made more for the sake of letting the apostrophe cool, than anything else,вБ†вАФвАЩtis not very material whether upon any other score the reader approves of it or not. + 

In the latter end of the third year, my uncle Toby perceiving that the parameter and semiparameter of the conic section angered his wound, he left off the study of projectiles in a kind of a huff, and betook himself to the practical part of fortification only; the pleasure of which, like a spring held back, returned upon him with redoubled force. + 

It was in this year that my uncle began to break in upon the daily regularity of a clean shirt,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to dismiss his barber unshaven,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and to allow his surgeon scarce time sufficient to dress his wound, concerning himself so little about it, as not to ask him once in seven times dressing, how it went on: when, lo!вБ†вАФall of a sudden, for the change was quick as lightning, he began to sigh heavily for his recovery,вБ†вЄЇвБ†complained to my father, grew impatient with the surgeon:вБ†вЄЇвБ†and one morning, as he heard his foot coming upstairs, he shut up his books, and thrust aside his instruments, in order to expostulate with him upon the protraction of the cure, which, he told him, might surely have been accomplished at least by that time:вБ†вАФHe dwelt long upon the miseries he had undergone, and the sorrows of his four years melancholy imprisonment;вБ†вАФadding, that had it not been for the kind looks and fraternal cheerings of the best of brothers,вБ†вАФhe had long since sunk under his misfortunes.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father was by: My uncle TobyвАЩs eloquence brought tears into his eyes;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas unexpected:вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby, by nature was not eloquent;вБ†вАФit had the greater effect:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The surgeon was confounded;вБ†вЄЇвБ†not that there wanted grounds for such, or greater marks of impatience,вБ†вАФbut вАЩtwas unexpected too; in the four years he had attended him, he had never seen anything like it in my uncle TobyвАЩs carriage; he had never once dropped one fretful or discontented word;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had been all patience,вБ†вАФall submission. + 

вАФWe lose the right of complaining sometimes by forbearing it;вБ†вАФbut we often treble the force:вБ†вАФThe surgeon was astonished; but much more so, when he heard my uncle Toby go on, and peremptorily insist upon his healing up the wound directly,вБ†вАФor sending for Monsieur Ronjat, the kingвАЩs serjeant-surgeon, to do it for him. + 

The desire of life and health is implanted in manвАЩs nature;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the love of liberty and enlargement is a sister-passion to it: These my uncle Toby had in common with his species;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and either of them had been sufficient to account for his earnest desire to get well and out of doors;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but I have told you before, that nothing wrought with our family after the common way;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and from the time and manner in which this eager desire showed itself in the present case, the penetrating reader will suspect there was some other cause or crotchet for it in my uncle TobyвАЩs head:вБ†вЄЇвБ†There was so, and вАЩtis the subject of the next chapter to set forth what that cause and crotchet was. I own, when thatвАЩs done, вАЩtwill be time to return back to the parlour fireside, where we left my uncle Toby in the middle of his sentence. + 

V + 

When a man gives himself up to the government of a ruling passion,вБ†вАФor, in other words, when his Hobbyhorse grows headstrong,вБ†вЄЇвБ†farewel cool reason and fair discretion! + 

My uncle TobyвАЩs wound was near well, and as soon as the surgeon recovered his surprise, and could get leave to say as muchвБ†вЄЇвБ†he told him, вАЩtwas just beginning to incarnate; and that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there was no sign of,вБ†вАФit would be dried up in five or six weeks. The sound of as many Olympiads, twelve hours before, would have conveyed an idea of shorter duration to my uncle TobyвАЩs mind.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The succession of his ideas was now rapid,вБ†вАФhe broiled with impatience to put his design in execution;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and so, without consulting farther with any soul living,вБ†вАФwhich, by the by, I think is right, when you are predetermined to take no one soulвАЩs advice,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he privately ordered Trim, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at the door exactly by twelve oвАЩclock that day, when he knew my father would be upon вАЩChange.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeonвАЩs care of him, and a letter of tender thanks for his brotherвАЩsвБ†вАФhe packed up his maps, his books of fortification, his instruments, etc., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and Trim on the other,вБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby embarked for Shandy-Hall. + 

The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as follows: + 

The table in my uncle TobyвАЩs room, and at which, the night before this change happened, he was sitting with his maps, etc., about himвБ†вАФbeing somewhat of the smallest, for that infinity of great and small instruments of knowledge which usually lay crowded upon itвБ†вАФhe had the accident, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and snuffers;вБ†вАФand as the dice took a run against him, in his endeavouring to catch the snuffers in falling,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he thrust Monsieur Blondel off the table, and Count de Pagan oвАЩtop of him. + 

вАЩTwas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle Toby was, to think of redressing these evils by himself,вБ†вАФhe rung his bell for his man Trim;вБ†вЄїTrim, quoth my uncle Toby, prithee see what confusion I have here been makingвБ†вАФI must have some better contrivance, Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†CanвАЩst not thou take my rule, and measure the length and breadth of this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big again?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Yes, anвАЩ please your Honour, replied Trim, making a bow; but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get down to your country-seat, where,вБ†вАФas your Honour takes so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage this matter to a T. + 

I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle TobyвАЩs, who went by the name of Trim, had been a corporal in my uncleвАЩs own company,вБ†вАФhis real name was James Butler,вБ†вАФbut having got the nickname of Trim in the regiment, my uncle Toby, unless when he happened to be very angry with him, would never call him by any other name. + 

The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a wound on his left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of Landen, which was two years before the affair of Namur;вБ†вАФand as the fellow was well-beloved in the regiment, and a handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle Toby took him for his servant; and of an excellent use was he, attending my uncle Toby in the camp and in his quarters as a valet, groom, barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first to last, waited upon him and served him with great fidelity and affection. + 

My uncle Toby loved the man in return, and what attached him more to him still, was the similitude of their knowledge.вБ†вЄЇвБ†For Corporal Trim (for so, for the future, I shall call him), by four years occasional attention to his MasterвАЩs discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage of prying and peeping continually into his MasterвАЩs plans, etc., exclusive and besides what he gained Hobbyhorsically, as a body-servant, Non Hobbyhorsical per se;вБ†вЄЇвБ†had become no mean proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and chambermaid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle Toby himself. + 

I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal TrimвАЩs character,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and it is the only dark line in it.вБ†вАФThe fellow loved to advise,вБ†вАФor rather to hear himself talk; his carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, вАЩtwas easy to keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-going,вБ†вАФyou had no hold of himвБ†вАФhe was voluble;вБ†вАФthe eternal interlardings of your Honour, with the respectfulness of Corporal TrimвАЩs manner, interceding so strong in behalf of his elocution,вБ†вАФthat though you might have been incommoded,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you could not well be angry. My uncle Toby was seldom either the one or the other with him,вБ†вАФor, at least, this fault, in Trim, broke no squares with them. My uncle Toby, as I said, loved the man;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful servant,вБ†вАФbut as an humble friend,вБ†вАФhe could not bear to stop his mouth.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Such was Corporal Trim. + 

If I durst presume, continued Trim, to give your Honour my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter.вБ†вАФThou art welcome, Trim, quoth my uncle TobyвБ†вАФspeak,вБ†вЄЇвБ†speak what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear. Why then, replied Trim (not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division,вБ†вАФI think, quoth Trim, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a little forwards,вБ†вАФand pointing with his right hand open towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned against the hangings,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I think, quoth Corporal Trim, with humble submission to your HonourвАЩs better judgment,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued Trim, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nographyвБ†вАФ(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle)вБ†вЄЇвБ†of the town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before,вБ†вАФand I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify it to your HonourвАЩs mindвБ†вЄЇвБ†I dare say thou wouldвАЩst, Trim, quoth my uncle.вБ†вАФFor if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and anglesвБ†вАФThat I could do very well, quoth my uncle.вБ†вАФI would begin with the foss√©, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadthвБ†вАФI can to a hairвАЩs breadth, Trim, replied my uncle.вБ†вАФI would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the scarp,вБ†вАФand on that hand towards the campaign for the counterscarp.вБ†вАФVery right, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby:вБ†вЄЇвБ†And when I had sloped them to your mind,вБ†вЄЇвБ†anвАЩ please your Honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifications are done in Flanders, with sods,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and as your Honour knows they should be,вБ†вАФand I would make the walls and parapets with sods too.вБ†вАФThe best engineers call them gazons, Trim, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Whether they are gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied Trim; your Honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of brick or stone.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know they are, Trim, in some respects,вБ†вЄЇвБ†quoth my uncle Toby, nodding his head;вБ†вАФfor a cannonball enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the foss√© (as was the case at St.¬†NicolasвАЩs gate), and facilitate the passage over it. + 

Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal Trim, better than any officer in his MajestyвАЩs service;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but would your Honour please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work under your HonourвАЩs directions like a horse, and make fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all the worldвАЩs riding twenty miles to go and see it. + 

My uncle Toby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went on;вБ†вАФbut it was not a blush of guilt,вБ†вАФof modesty,вБ†вАФor of anger,вБ†вАФit was a blush of joy;вБ†вАФhe was fired with Corporal TrimвАЩs project and description.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim! said my uncle Toby, thou hast said enough.вБ†вАФWe might begin the campaign, continued Trim, on the very day that his Majesty and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast asвБ†вАФTrim, quoth my uncle Toby, say no more. Your Honour, continued Trim, might sit in your armchair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your orders, and I wouldвБ†вЄЇвБ†Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure and good pastime,вБ†вАФbut good air, and good exercise, and good health,вБ†вАФand your HonourвАЩs wound would be well in a month. Thou hast said enough, Trim,вБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket)вБ†вЄЇвБ†I like thy project mightily.вБ†вАФAnd if your Honour pleases, IвАЩll this moment go and buy a pioneerвАЩs spade to take down with us, and IвАЩll bespeak a shovel and a pickaxe, and a couple ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture,вБ†вАФand thrusting a guinea into TrimвАЩs hand,вБ†вАФTrim, said my uncle Toby, say no more;вБ†вАФbut go down, Trim, this moment, my lad, and bring up my supper this instant. + 

Trim ran down and brought up his masterвАЩs supper,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to no purpose:вБ†вАФTrimвАЩs plan of operation ran so in my uncle TobyвАЩs head, he could not taste it.вБ†вАФTrim, quoth my uncle Toby, get me to bed.вБ†вАФвАЩTwas all one.вБ†вАФCorporal TrimвАЩs description had fired his imagination,вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby could not shut his eyes.вБ†вАФThe more he considered it, the more bewitching the scene appeared to him;вБ†вАФso that, two full hours before daylight, he had come to a final determination, and had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal TrimвАЩs decampment. + 

My uncle Toby had a little neat country-house of his own, in the village where my fatherвАЩs estate lay at Shandy, which had been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate of about one hundred pounds a-year. Behind this house, and contiguous to it, was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just about as much ground as Corporal Trim wished for;вБ†вАФso that as Trim uttered the words, вАЬA rood and a half of ground to do what they would with,вАЭвБ†вАФthis identical bowling-green instantly presented itself, and became curiously painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle TobyвАЩs fancy;вБ†вАФwhich was the physical cause of making him change colour, or at least of heightening his blush, to that immoderate degree I spoke of. + 

Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat and expectation, than my uncle Toby did, to enjoy this selfsame thing in private;вБ†вАФI say in private;вБ†вАФfor it was sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides, from mortal sight, by rough holly and thickset flowering shrubs:вБ†вАФso that the idea of not being seen, did not a little contribute to the idea of pleasure preconceived in my uncle TobyвАЩs mind.вБ†вАФVain thought! however thick it was planted about,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or private soever it might seem,вБ†вАФto think, dear uncle Toby, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole rood and a half of ground,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and not have it known! + 

How my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim managed this matter,вБ†вЄЇвБ†with the history of their campaigns, which were no way barren of events,вБ†вЄЇвБ†may make no uninteresting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama.вБ†вАФAt present the scene must drop,вБ†вАФand change for the parlour fireside. + 

VI + 

вЄЇвБ†What can they be doing, brother? said my father.вБ†вАФI think, replied my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФtaking, as I told you, his pipe from his mouth, and striking the ashes out of it as he began his sentence;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I think, replied he,вБ†вАФit would not be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell. + 

Pray, whatвАЩs all that racket over our heads, Obadiah?вБ†вЄЇвБ†quoth my father;вБ†вЄЇвБ†my brother and I can scarce hear ourselves speak. + 

Sir, answered Obadiah, making a bow towards his left shoulder,вБ†вАФmy Mistress is taken very badly.вБ†вАФAnd whereвАЩs Susannah running down the garden there, as if they were going to ravish her?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sir, she is running the shortest cut into the town, replied Obadiah, to fetch the old midwife.вБ†вАФThen saddle a horse, quoth my father, and do you go directly for Dr.¬†Slop, the man-midwife, with all our services,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and let him know your mistress is fallen into labourвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that I desire he will return with you with all speed. + 

It is very strange, says my father, addressing himself to my uncle Toby, as Obadiah shut the door,вБ†вЄЇвБ†as there is so expert an operator as Dr.¬†Slop so near,вБ†вАФthat my wife should persist to the very last in this obstinate humour of hers, in trusting the life of my child, who has had one misfortune already, to the ignorance of an old woman;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and not only the life of my child, brother,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but her own life, and with it the lives of all the children I might, peradventure, have begot out of her hereafter. + 

Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle Toby, my sister does it to save the expense:вБ†вАФA puddingвАЩs end,вБ†вАФreplied my father,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the Doctor must be paid the same for inaction as action,вБ†вЄЇвБ†if not better,вБ†вАФto keep him in temper. + 

вЄЇвБ†Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world, quoth my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his heart,вБ†вАФbut Modesty.вБ†вАФMy sister, I dare say, added he, does not care to let a man come so near her ****. I will not say whether my uncle Toby had completed the sentence or not;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis for his advantage to suppose he had,вБ†вЄЇвБ†as, I think, he could have added no One Word which would have improved it. + 

If, on the contrary, my uncle Toby had not fully arrived at the periodвАЩs end,вБ†вАФthen the world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of my fatherвАЩs tobacco-pipe for one of the neatest examples of that ornamental figure in oratory, which Rhetoricians stile the Aposiopesis.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Just Heaven! how does the Poco piu and the Poco meno of the Italian artists;вБ†вАФthe insensible more or less, determine the precise line of beauty in the sentence, as well as in the statute! How do the slight touches of the chisel, the pencil, the pen, the fiddlestick, et cetera,вБ†вАФgive the true swell, which gives the true pleasure!вБ†вАФO my countrymen;вБ†вАФbe nice;вБ†вАФbe cautious of your language;вБ†вАФand never, O! never let it be forgotten upon what small particles your eloquence and your fame depend. + 

вЄЇвАЬMy sister, mayhap,вАЭ quoth my uncle Toby, вАЬdoes not choose to let a man come so near her ****.вАЭ Make this dash,вБ†вАФвАЩtis an Aposiopesis.вБ†вАФTake the dash away, and write Backside,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis Bawdy.вБ†вАФScratch Backside out, and put CoverвАЩd way in, вАЩtis a Metaphor;вБ†вАФand, I dare say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle TobyвАЩs head, that if he had been left to have added one word to the sentence,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that word was it. + 

But whether that was the case or not the case;вБ†вАФor whether the snapping of my fatherвАЩs tobacco-pipe, so critically, happened through accident or anger, will be seen in due time. + 

VII + 

Though my father was a good natural philosopher,вБ†вАФyet he was something of a moral philosopher too; for which reason, when his tobacco-pipe snappвАЩd short in the middle,вБ†вАФhe had nothing to do, as such, but to have taken hold of the two pieces, and thrown them gently upon the back of the fire.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He did no such thing;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he threw them with all the violence in the world;вБ†вАФand, to give the action still more emphasis,вБ†вАФhe started upon both his legs to do it. + 

This looked something like heat;вБ†вАФand the manner of his reply to what my uncle Toby was saying, proved it was so. + 

вАФвАЬNot choose,вАЭ quoth my father, (repeating my uncle TobyвАЩs words) вАЬto let a man come so near her!вАЭвБ†вЄЇвБ†By Heaven, brother Toby! you would try the patience of Job;вБ†вАФand I think I have the plagues of one already without it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Where?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Wherein?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Wherefore?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Upon what account? replied my uncle Toby, in the utmost astonishment.вБ†вАФTo think, said my father, of a man living to your age, brother, and knowing so little about women!вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know nothing at all about them,вБ†вАФreplied my uncle Toby: And I think, continued he, that the shock I received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in my affair with widow Wadman;вБ†вАФwhich shock you know I should not have received, but from my total ignorance of the sex,вБ†вАФhas given me just cause to say, That I neither know nor do pretend to know anything about вАЩem or their concerns either.вБ†вАФMethinks, brother, replied my father, you might, at least, know so much as the right end of a woman from the wrong. + 

It is said in AristotleвАЩs Masterpiece, вАЬThat when a man doth think of anything which is past,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he looketh down upon the ground;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that when he thinketh of something that is to come, he looketh up towards the heavens.вАЭ + 

My uncle Toby, I suppose, thought of neither, for he lookвАЩd horizontally.вБ†вАФRight end! quoth my uncle Toby, muttering the two words low to himself, and fixing his two eyes insensibly as he muttered them, upon a small crevice, formed by a bad joint in the chimneypieceвБ†вЄЇвБ†Right end of a woman!вБ†вЄЇвБ†I declare, quoth my uncle, I know no more which it is than the man in the moon;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and if I was to think, continued my uncle Toby (keeping his eye still fixed upon the bad joint) this month together, I am sure I should not be able to find it out. + 

Then, brother Toby, replied my father, I will tell you. + 

Everything in this world, continued my father (filling a fresh pipe)вБ†вАФeverything in this world, my dear brother Toby, has two handles.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Not always, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†At least, replied my father, everyone has two hands,вБ†вЄЇвБ†which comes to the same thing.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now, if a man was to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the make, the shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience of all the parts which constitute the whole of that animal, called Woman, and compare them analogicallyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I never understood rightly the meaning of that word,вБ†вАФquoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФ + 

Analogy, replied my father, is the certain relation and agreement which differentвБ†вЄЇвБ†Here a devil of a rap at the door snapped my fatherвАЩs definition (like his tobacco-pipe) in two,вБ†вАФand, at the same time, crushed the head of as notable and curious a dissertation as ever was engendered in the womb of speculation;вБ†вАФit was some months before my father could get an opportunity to be safely delivered of it:вБ†вАФAnd, at this hour, it is a thing full as problematical as the subject of the dissertation itself,вБ†вАФ(considering the confusion and distresses of our domestick misadventures, which are now coming thick one upon the back of another) whether I shall be able to find a place for it in the third volume or not. + 

VIII + 

It is about an hour and a halfвАЩs tolerable good reading since my uncle Toby rung the bell, when Obadiah was ordered to saddle a horse, and go for Dr.¬†Slop, the man-midwife;вБ†вАФso that no one can say, with reason, that I have not allowed Obadiah time enough, poetically speaking, and considering the emergency too, both to go and come;вБ†вЄЇвБ†though, morally and truly speaking, the man perhaps has scarce had time to get on his boots. + 

If the hypercritick will go upon this; and is resolved after all to take a pendulum, and measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of the bell, and the rap at the door;вБ†вАФand, after finding it to be no more than two minutes, thirteen seconds, and three fifths,вБ†вАФshould take upon him to insult over me for such a breach in the unity, or rather probability of time;вБ†вАФI would remind him, that the idea of duration, and of its simple modes, is got merely from the train and succession of our ideas,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and is the true scholastic pendulum,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and by which, as a scholar, I will be tried in this matter,вБ†вАФabjuring and detesting the jurisdiction of all other pendulums whatever. + 

I would therefore desire him to consider that it is but poor eight miles from Shandy-Hall to Dr.¬†Slop, the man-midwifeвАЩs house;вБ†вАФand that whilst Obadiah has been going those said miles and back, I have brought my uncle Toby from Namur, quite across all Flanders, into England:вБ†вАФThat I have had him ill upon my hands near four years;вБ†вАФand have since travelled him and Corporal Trim in a chariot-and-four, a journey of near two hundred miles down into Yorkshire,вБ†вЄЇвБ†all which put together, must have prepared the readerвАЩs imagination for the entrance of Dr.¬†Slop upon the stage,вБ†вАФas much, at least (I hope) as a dance, a song, or a concerto between the acts. + 

If my hypercritick is intractable, alleging, that two minutes and thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen seconds,вБ†вАФwhen I have said all I can about them; and that this plea, though it might save me dramatically, will damn me biographically, rendering my book from this very moment, a professed Romance, which, before, was a book apocryphal:вБ†вЄЇвБ†If I am thus pressedвБ†вАФI then put an end to the whole objection and controversy about it all at once,вБ†вЄЇвБ†by acquainting him, that Obadiah had not got above threescore yards from the stable-yard before he met with Dr.¬†Slop;вБ†вАФand indeed he gave a dirty proof that he had met with him, and was within an ace of giving a tragical one too. + 

Imagine to yourself;вБ†вАФbut this had better begin a new chapter. + 

IX + 

Imagine to yourself a little squat, uncourtly figure of a Doctor Slop, of about four feet and a half perpendicular height, with a breadth of back, and a sesquipedality of belly, which might have done honour to a serjeant in the horse-guards. + 

Such were the outlines of Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs figure, which,вБ†вАФif you have read HogarthвАЩs analysis of beauty, and if you have not, I wish you would;вБ†вЄЇвБ†you must know, may as certainly be caricatured, and conveyed to the mind by three strokes as three hundred. + 

Imagine such a one,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for such, I say, were the outlines of Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs figure, coming slowly along, foot by foot, waddling throвАЩ the dirt upon the vertebrae of a little diminutive pony, of a pretty colourвБ†вЄЇвБ†but of strength,вБ†вЄЇвБ†alack!вБ†вЄЇвБ†scarce able to have made an amble of it, under such a fardel, had the roads been in an ambling condition.вБ†вЄЇвБ†They were not.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Imagine to yourself, Obadiah mounted upon a strong monster of a coach-horse, pricked into a full gallop, and making all practicable speed the adverse way. + 

Pray, Sir, let me interest you a moment in this description. + 

Had Dr.¬†Slop beheld Obadiah a mile off, posting in a narrow lane directly towards him, at that monstrous rate,вБ†вАФsplashing and plunging like a devil throвАЩ thick and thin, as he approached, would not such a ph√¶nomenon, with such a vortex of mud and water moving along with it, round its axis,вБ†вАФhave been a subject of juster apprehension to Dr.¬†Slop in his situation, than the worst of WhistonвАЩs comets?вБ†вАФTo say nothing of the Nucleus; that is, of Obadiah and the coach-horse.вБ†вАФIn my idea, the vortex alone of вАЩem was enough to have involved and carried, if not the doctor, at least the doctorвАЩs pony, quite away with it. What then do you think must the terror and hydrophobia of Dr.¬†Slop have been, when you read (which you are just going to do) that he was advancing thus warily along towards Shandy-Hall, and had approached to within sixty yards of it, and within five yards of a sudden turn, made by an acute angle of the garden-wall,вБ†вАФand in the dirtiest part of a dirty lane,вБ†вАФwhen Obadiah and his coach-horse turned the corner, rapid, furious,вБ†вАФpop,вБ†вАФfull upon him!вБ†вАФNothing, I think, in nature, can be supposed more terrible than such a rencounter,вБ†вАФso imprompt! so ill prepared to stand the shock of it as Dr.¬†Slop was. + 

What could Dr.¬†Slop do?вБ†вЄЇвБ†he crossed himself +вБ†вАФPugh!вБ†вАФbut the doctor, Sir, was a Papist.вБ†вАФNo matter; he had better have kept hold of the pummelвБ†вАФHe had so;вБ†вАФnay, as it happened, he had better have done nothing at all; for in crossing himself he let go his whip,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and in attempting to save his whip betwixt his knee and his saddleвАЩs skirt, as it slipped, he lost his stirrup,вБ†вЄЇвБ†in losing which he lost his seat;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and in the multitude of all these losses (which, by the by, shows what little advantage there is in crossing) the unfortunate doctor lost his presence of mind. So that without waiting for ObadiahвАЩs onset, he left his pony to its destiny, tumbling off it diagonally, something in the stile and manner of a pack of wool, and without any other consequence from the fall, save that of being left (as it would have been) with the broadest part of him sunk about twelve inches deep in the mire. + 

Obadiah pullвАЩd off his cap twice to Dr.¬†Slop;вБ†вАФonce as he was falling,вБ†вАФand then again when he saw him seated.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Ill-timed complaisance;вБ†вАФhad not the fellow better have stopped his horse, and got off and helpвАЩd him?вБ†вАФSir, he did all that his situation would allow;вБ†вАФbut the Momentum of the coach-horse was so great, that Obadiah could not do it all at once; he rode in a circle three times round Dr.¬†Slop, before he could fully accomplish it anyhow;вБ†вАФand at the last, when he did stop his beast, вАЩtwas done with such an explosion of mud, that Obadiah had better have been a league off. In short, never was a Dr.¬†Slop so beluted, and so transubstantiated, since that affair came into fashion. + 

X + 

When Dr.¬†Slop entered the back parlour, where my father and my uncle Toby were discoursing upon the nature of women,вБ†вЄЇвБ†it was hard to determine whether Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs figure, or Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs presence, occasioned more surprise to them; for as the accident happened so near the house, as not to make it worth while for Obadiah to remount him,вБ†вЄЇвБ†Obadiah had led him in as he was, unwiped, unappointed, unannealed, with all his stains and blotches on him.вБ†вАФHe stood like HamletвАЩs ghost, motionless and speechless, for a full minute and a half at the parlour-door (Obadiah still holding his hand) with all the majesty of mud. His hinder parts, upon which he had received his fall, totally besmeared,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and in every other part of him, blotched over in such a manner with ObadiahвАЩs explosion, that you would have sworn (without mental reservation) that every grain of it had taken effect. + 

Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle Toby to have triumphed over my father in his turn;вБ†вАФfor no mortal, who had beheld Dr.¬†Slop in that pickle, could have dissented from so much at least, of my uncle TobyвАЩs opinion, вАЬThat mayhap his sister might not care to let such a Dr.¬†Slop come so near her ****.вАЭ But it was the Argumentum ad hominem; and if my uncle Toby was not very expert at it, you may think, he might not care to use it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No; the reason was,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas not his nature to insult. + 

Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs presence at that time, was no less problematical than the mode of it; though it is certain, one momentвАЩs reflection in my father might have solved it; for he had apprized Dr.¬†Slop but the week before, that my mother was at her full reckoning; and as the doctor had heard nothing since, вАЩtwas natural and very political too in him, to have taken a ride to Shandy-Hall, as he did, merely to see how matters went on. + 

But my fatherвАЩs mind took unfortunately a wrong turn in the investigation; running, like the hypercritickвАЩs, altogether upon the ringing of the bell and the rap upon the door,вБ†вАФmeasuring their distance, and keeping his mind so intent upon the operation as to have power to think of nothing else,вБ†вЄЇвБ†commonplace infirmity of the greatest mathematicians! working with might and main at the demonstration, and so wasting all their strength upon it, that they have none left in them to draw the corollary, to do good with. + 

The ringing of the bell, and the rap upon the door, struck likewise strong upon the sensorium of my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФbut it excited a very different train of thoughts;вБ†вАФthe two irreconcileable pulsations instantly brought Stevinus, the great engineer, along with them, into my uncle TobyвАЩs mind. What business Stevinus had in this affair,вБ†вАФis the greatest problem of all:вБ†вЄЇвБ†It shall be solved,вБ†вАФbut not in the next chapter. + 

XI + 

Writing, when properly managed (as you may be sure I think mine is) is but a different name for conversation. As no one, who knows what he is about in good company, would venture to talk all;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so no author, who understands the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would presume to think all: The truest respect which you can pay to the readerвАЩs understanding, is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him something to imagine, in his turn, as well as yourself. + 

For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own. + 

вАЩTis his turn now;вБ†вАФI have given an ample description of Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the back-parlour;вБ†вАФhis imagination must now go on with it for a while. + 

Let the reader imagine then, that Dr.¬†Slop has told his taleвБ†вАФand in what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy chooses;вБ†вАФLet him suppose, that Obadiah has told his tale also, and with such rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks best will contrast the two figures as they stand by each other.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Let him imagine, that my father has stepped upstairs to see my mother.вБ†вАФAnd, to conclude this work of imaginationвБ†вАФlet him imagine the doctor washed,вБ†вАФrubbed down, and condoled,вБ†вАФfelicitated,вБ†вАФgot into a pair of ObadiahвАЩs pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the very point of entering upon action. + 

Truce!вБ†вАФtruce, good Dr.¬†Slop:вБ†вАФstay thy obstetrick hand;вБ†вЄЇвБ†return it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm;вБ†вЄЇвБ†little dost thou know what obstacles,вБ†вЄїlittle dost thou think what hidden causes, retard its operation!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Hast thou, Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФhast thou been entrusted with the secret articles of the solemn treaty which has brought thee into this place?вБ†вАФArt thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of Lucina is put obstetrically over thy head? Alas!вБ†вАФвАЩtis too true.вБ†вАФBesides, great son of Pilumnus! what canst thou do?вБ†вАФThou hast come forth unarmвАЩd;вБ†вАФthou hast left thy tire-t√™te,вБ†вАФthy new-invented forceps,вБ†вАФthy crotchet,вБ†вАФthy squirt, and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance, behind thee,вБ†вАФBy Heaven! at this moment they are hanging up in a green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the bedвАЩs head!вБ†вАФRing;вБ†вАФcall;вБ†вАФsend Obadiah back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed. + 

вЄЇвБ†Make great haste, Obadiah, quoth my father, and IвАЩll give thee a crown!вБ†вАФand quoth my uncle Toby, IвАЩll give him another. + 

XII + 

Your sudden and unexpected arrival, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Dr.¬†Slop (all three of them sitting down to the fire together, as my uncle Toby began to speak)вБ†вАФinstantly brought the great Stevinus into my head, who, you must know, is a favourite author with me.вБ†вАФThen, added my father, making use of the argument Ad Crumenam,вБ†вАФI will lay twenty guineas to a single crown-piece (which will serve to give away to Obadiah when he gets back) that this same Stevinus was some engineer or other,вБ†вАФor has wrote something or other, either directly or indirectly, upon the science of fortification. + 

He has so,вБ†вАФreplied my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФI knew it, said my father, though, for the soul of me, I cannot see what kind of connection there can be betwixt Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs sudden coming, and a discourse upon fortification;вБ†вАФyet I fearвАЩd it.вБ†вАФTalk of what we will, brother,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or let the occasion be never so foreign or unfit for the subject,вБ†вАФyou are sure to bring it in. I would not, brother Toby, continued my father,вБ†вЄїI declare I would not have my head so full of curtins and hornworks.вБ†вАФThat I dare say you would not, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, interrupting him, and laughing most immoderately at his pun. + 

Dennis the critic could not detest and abhor a pun, or the insinuation of a pun, more cordially than my father;вБ†вАФhe would grow testy upon it at any time;вБ†вАФbut to be broke in upon by one, in a serious discourse, was as bad, he would say, as a fillip upon the nose;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he saw no difference. + 

Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФthe curtins my brother Shandy mentions here, have nothing to do with bedsteads;вБ†вАФthough, I know Du Cange says, вАЬThat bed-curtains, in all probability, have taken their name from them;вАЭвБ†вАФnor have the hornworks he speaks of, anything in the world to do with the horn-works of cuckoldom:вБ†вАФBut the Curtin, Sir, is the word we use in fortification, for that part of the wall or rampart which lies between the two bastions and joins themвБ†вАФBesiegers seldom offer to carry on their attacks directly against the curtin, for this reason, because they are so well flanked. (вАЩTis the case of other curtains, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, laughing.) However, continued my uncle Toby, to make them sure, we generally choose to place ravelins before them, taking care only to extend them beyond the foss√© or ditch:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The common men, who know very little of fortification, confound the ravelin and the half-moon together,вБ†вАФthough they are very different things;вБ†вАФnot in their figure or construction, for we make them exactly alike, in all points;вБ†вАФfor they always consist of two faces, making a salient angle, with the gorges, not straight, but in form of a crescent:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Where then lies the difference? (quoth my father, a little testily).вБ†вАФIn their situations, answered my uncle Toby:вБ†вАФFor when a ravelin, brother, stands before the curtin, it is a ravelin; and when a ravelin stands before a bastion, then the ravelin is not a ravelin;вБ†вАФit is a half-moon;вБ†вАФa half-moon likewise is a half-moon, and no more, so long as it stands before its bastion;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but was it to change place, and get before the curtin,вБ†вАФвАЩtwould be no longer a half-moon; a half-moon, in that case, is not a half-moon;вБ†вАФвАЩtis no more than a ravelin.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I think, quoth my father, that the noble science of defence has its weak sidesвБ†вЄЇвБ†as well as others. + 

вАФAs for the horn-work (high! ho! sighвАЩd my father) which, continued my uncle Toby, my brother was speaking of, they are a very considerable part of an outwork;вБ†вЄЇвБ†they are called by the French engineers, Ouvrage √† corne, and we generally make them to cover such places as we suspect to be weaker than the rest;вБ†вАФвАЩtis formed by two epaulments or demi-bastionsвБ†вАФthey are very pretty,вБ†вАФand if you will take a walk, IвАЩll engage to show you one well worth your trouble.вБ†вАФI own, continued my uncle Toby, when we crown them,вБ†вАФthey are much stronger, but then they are very expensive, and take up a great deal of ground, so that, in my opinion, they are most of use to cover or defend the head of a camp; otherwise the double tenailleвБ†вАФBy the mother who bore us!вБ†вЄЇвБ†brother Toby, quoth my father, not able to hold out any longer,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you would provoke a saint;вБ†вЄЇвБ†here have you got us, I know not how, not only souse into the middle of the old subject again:вБ†вАФBut so full is your head of these confounded works, that though my wife is this moment in the pains of labour, and you hear her cry out, yet nothing will serve you but to carry off the man-midwife.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Accoucheur,вБ†вАФif you please, quoth Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†With all my heart, replied my father, I donвАЩt care what they call you,вБ†вАФbut I wish the whole science of fortification, with all its inventors, at the devil;вБ†вАФit has been the death of thousands,вБ†вАФand it will be mine in the end,вБ†вАФI would not, I would not, brother Toby, have my brains so full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, pallisadoes, ravelins, half-moons, and such trumpery, to be proprietor of Namur, and of all the towns in Flanders with it. + 

My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries;вБ†вАФnot from want of courage,вБ†вАФI have told you in a former chapter, вАЬthat he was a man of courage:вАЭвБ†вАФAnd will add here, that where just occasions presented, or called it forth,вБ†вАФI know no man under whose arm I would have sooner taken shelter;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor did this arise from any insensibility or obtuseness of his intellectual parts;вБ†вАФfor he felt this insult of my fatherвАЩs as feelingly as a man could do;вБ†вАФbut he was of a peaceful, placid nature,вБ†вАФno jarring element in it,вБ†вАФall was mixed up so kindly within him; my uncle Toby had scarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly. + 

вАФGoвБ†вАФsays he, one day at dinner, to an overgrown one which had buzzed about his nose, and tormented him cruelly all dinnertime,вБ†вАФand which after infinite attempts, he had caught at last, as it flew by him;вБ†вАФIвАЩll not hurt thee, says my uncle Toby, rising from his chair, and going across the room, with the fly in his hand,вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll not hurt a hair of thy head:вБ†вАФGo, says he, lifting up the sash, and opening his hand as he spoke, to let it escape;вБ†вАФgo, poor devil, get thee gone, why should I hurt thee?вБ†вЄЇвБ†This world surely is wide enough to hold both thee and me. + 

I was but ten years old when this happened: but whether it was, that the action itself was more in unison to my nerves at that age of pity, which instantly set my whole frame into one vibration of most pleasurable sensation;вБ†вАФor how far the manner and expression of it might go towards it;вБ†вАФor in what degree, or by what secret magick,вБ†вАФa tone of voice and harmony of movement, attuned by mercy, might find a passage to my heart, I know not;вБ†вАФthis I know, that the lesson of universal goodwill then taught and imprinted by my uncle Toby, has never since been worn out of my mind: And though I would not depreciate what the study of the Literae humaniores, at the university, have done for me in that respect, or discredit the other helps of an expensive education bestowed upon me, both at home and abroad since;вБ†вАФyet I often think that I owe one half of my philanthropy to that one accidental impression. + 

вШЮ This is to serve for parents and governors instead of a whole volume upon the subject. + 

I could not give the reader this stroke in my uncle TobyвАЩs picture, by the instrument with which I drew the other parts of it,вБ†вАФthat taking in no more than the mere Hobbyhorsical likeness:вБ†вЄЇвБ†this is a part of his moral character. My father, in this patient endurance of wrongs, which I mention, was very different, as the reader must long ago have noted; he had a much more acute and quick sensibility of nature, attended with a little soreness of temper; though this never transported him to anything which looked like malignancy:вБ†вАФyet in the little rubs and vexations of life, вАЩtwas apt to show itself in a drollish and witty kind of peevishness:вБ†вЄЇвБ†He was, however, frank and generous in his nature;вБ†вЄЇвБ†at all times open to conviction; and in the little ebullitions of this subacid humour towards others, but particularly towards my uncle Toby, whom he truly loved:вБ†вЄЇвБ†he would feel more pain, ten times told (except in the affair of my aunt Dinah, or where an hypothesis was concerned) than what he ever gave. + 

The characters of the two brothers, in this view of them, reflected light upon each other, and appeared with great advantage in this affair which arose about Stevinus. + 

I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a Hobbyhorse,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that a manвАЩs Hobbyhorse is as tender a part as he has about him; and that these unprovoked strokes at my uncle TobyвАЩs could not be unfelt by him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No:вБ†вЄїas I said above, my uncle Toby did feel them, and very sensibly too. + 

Pray, Sir, what said he?вБ†вАФHow did he behave?вБ†вАФO, Sir!вБ†вАФit was great: For as soon as my father had done insulting his Hobbyhorse,вБ†вЄїhe turned his head without the least emotion, from Dr.¬†Slop, to whom he was addressing his discourse, and looking up into my fatherвАЩs face, with a countenance spread over with so much good-nature;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so placid;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so fraternal;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so inexpressibly tender towards him:вБ†вАФit penetrated my father to his heart: He rose up hastily from his chair, and seizing hold of both my uncle TobyвАЩs hands as he spoke:вБ†вАФBrother Toby, said he,вБ†вАФI beg thy pardon;вБ†вЄЇвБ†forgive, I pray thee, this rash humour which my mother gave me.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My dear, dear brother, answered my uncle Toby, rising up by my fatherвАЩs help, say no more about it;вБ†вАФyou are heartily welcome, had it been ten times as much, brother. But вАЩtis ungenerous, replied my father, to hurt any man;вБ†вЄЇвБ†a brother worse;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but to hurt a brother of such gentle manners,вБ†вАФso unprovoking,вБ†вАФand so unresenting;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis base:вБ†вЄЇвБ†By Heaven, вАЩtis cowardly.вБ†вАФYou are heartily welcome, brother, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄїhad it been fifty times as much.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Besides, what have I to do, my dear Toby, cried my father, either with your amusements or your pleasures, unless it was in my power (which it is not) to increase their measure? + 

вЄЇвБ†Brother Shandy, answered my uncle Toby, looking wistfully in his face,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you are much mistaken in this point:вБ†вАФfor you do increase my pleasure very much, in begetting children for the Shandy family at your time of life.вБ†вАФBut, by that, Sir, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, Mr.¬†Shandy increases his own.вБ†вАФNot a jot, quoth my father. + 

XIII + 

My brother does it, quoth my uncle Toby, out of principle.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In a family way, I suppose, quoth Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Pshaw!вБ†вАФsaid my father,вБ†вАФвАЩtis not worth talking of. + 

XIV + 

At the end of the last chapter, my father and my uncle Toby were left both standing, like Brutus and Cassius, at the close of the scene, making up their accounts. + 

As my father spoke the three last words,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he sat down;вБ†вАФmy uncle Toby exactly followed his example, only, that before he took his chair, he rung the bell, to order Corporal Trim, who was in waiting, to step home for Stevinus:вБ†вАФmy uncle TobyвАЩs house being no farther off than the opposite side of the way. + 

Some men would have dropped the subject of Stevinus;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but my uncle Toby had no resentment in his heart, and he went on with the subject, to show my father that he had none. + 

Your sudden appearance, Dr.¬†Slop, quoth my uncle, resuming the discourse, instantly brought Stevinus into my head. (My father, you may be sure, did not offer to lay any more wagers upon StevinusвАЩs head.)вБ†вЄЇвБ†Because, continued my uncle Toby, the celebrated sailing chariot, which belonged to Prince Maurice, and was of such wonderful contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a dozen people thirty German miles, in I donвАЩt know how few minutes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†was invented by Stevinus, that great mathematician and engineer. + 

You might have spared your servant the trouble, quoth Dr.¬†Slop (as the fellow is lame) of going for StevinusвАЩs account of it, because in my return from Leyden throвАЩ the Hague, I walked as far as Schevling, which is two long miles, on purpose to take a view of it. + 

ThatвАЩs nothing, replied my uncle Toby, to what the learned Peireskius did, who walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from Paris to Schevling, and from Schevling to Paris back again, in order to see it,вБ†вАФand nothing else. + 

Some men cannot bear to be out-gone. + 

The more fool Peireskius, replied Dr.¬†Slop. But mark, вАЩtwas out of no contempt of Peireskius at all;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that PeireskiusвАЩs indefatigable labour in trudging so far on foot, out of love for the sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr.¬†Slop, in that affair, to nothing:вБ†вАФthe more fool Peireskius, said he again.вБ†вАФWhy so?вБ†вАФreplied my father, taking his brotherвАЩs part, not only to make reparation as fast as he could for the insult he had given him, which sat still upon my fatherвАЩs mind;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but partly, that my father began really to interest himself in the discourse.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why so?вБ†вЄЇвБ†said he. Why is Peireskius, or any man else, to be abused for an appetite for that, or any other morsel of sound knowledge: For notwithstanding I know nothing of the chariot in question, continued he, the inventor of it must have had a very mechanical head; and though I cannot guess upon what principles of philosophy he has achieved it;вБ†вАФyet certainly his machine has been constructed upon solid ones, be they what they will, or it could not have answered at the rate my brother mentions. + 

It answered, replied my uncle Toby, as well, if not better; for, as Peireskius elegantly expresses it, speaking of the velocity of its motion, Tam citus erat, quam erat ventus; which, unless I have forgot my Latin, is, that it was as swift as the wind itself. + 

But pray, Dr.¬†Slop, quoth my father, interrupting my uncle (though not without begging pardon for it at the same time) upon what principles was this selfsame chariot set a-going?вБ†вАФUpon very pretty principles to be sure, replied Dr.¬†Slop:вБ†вАФAnd I have often wondered, continued he, evading the question, why none of our gentry, who live upon large plains like this of ours,вБ†вАФ(especially they whose wives are not past childbearing) attempt nothing of this kind; for it would not only be infinitely expeditious upon sudden calls, to which the sex is subject,вБ†вАФif the wind only served,вБ†вАФbut would be excellent good husbandry to make use of the winds, which cost nothing, and which eat nothing, rather than horses, which (the devil take вАЩem) both cost and eat a great deal. + 

For that very reason, replied my father, вАЬBecause they cost nothing, and because they eat nothing,вАЭвБ†вАФthe scheme is bad;вБ†вАФit is the consumption of our products, as well as the manufactures of them, which gives bread to the hungry, circulates trade,вБ†вАФbrings in money, and supports the value of our lands:вБ†вАФand though, I own, if I was a Prince, I would generously recompense the scientifick head which brought forth such contrivances;вБ†вАФyet I would as peremptorily suppress the use of them. + 

My father here had got into his element,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and was going on as prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as my uncle Toby had before, upon his of fortification;вБ†вАФbut to the loss of much sound knowledge, the destinies in the morning had decreed that no dissertation of any kind should be spun by my father that day,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for as he opened his mouth to begin the next sentence, + 

XV + 

In popped Corporal Trim with Stevinus:вБ†вАФBut вАЩtwas too late,вБ†вАФall the discourse had been exhausted without him, and was running into a new channel.вБ†вАФYou may take the book home again, Trim, said my uncle Toby, nodding to him. + 

But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, drolling,вБ†вАФlook first into it, and see if thou canst spy aught of a sailing chariot in it. + 

Corporal Trim, by being in the service, had learned to obey,вБ†вАФand not to remonstrate;вБ†вАФso taking the book to a side-table, and running over the leaves; AnвАЩ please your Honour, said Trim, I can see no such thing;вБ†вАФhowever, continued the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn, IвАЩll make sure work of it, anвАЩ please your Honour;вБ†вАФso taking hold of the two covers of the book, one in each hand, and letting the leaves fall down, as he bent the covers back, he gave the book a good sound shake. + 

There is something falling out, however, said Trim, anвАЩ please your Honour;вБ†вАФbut it is not a chariot, or anything like one:вБ†вАФPrithee, Corporal, said my father, smiling, what is it then?вБ†вАФI think, answered Trim, stooping to take it up,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis more like a sermon,вБ†вЄїfor it begins with a text of scripture, and the chapter and verse;вБ†вАФand then goes on, not as a chariot, but like a sermon directly. + 

The company smiled. + 

I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle Toby, for such a thing as a sermon to have got into my Stevinus. + 

I think вАЩtis a sermon, replied Trim;вБ†вАФbut if it please your Honours, as it is a fair hand, I will read you a page;вБ†вАФfor Trim, you must know, loved to hear himself read almost as well as talk. + 

I have ever a strong propensity, said my father, to look into things which cross my way, by such strange fatalities as these;вБ†вАФand as we have nothing better to do, at least till Obadiah gets back, I shall be obliged to you, brother, if Dr.¬†Slop has no objection to it, to order the Corporal to give us a page or two of it,вБ†вАФif he is as able to do it, as he seems willing. AnвАЩ please your Honour, quoth Trim, I officiated two whole campaigns, in Flanders, as clerk to the chaplain of the regiment.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He can read it, quoth my uncle Toby, as well as I can.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim, I assure you, was the best scholar in my company, and should have had the next halberd, but for the poor fellowвАЩs misfortune. Corporal Trim laid his hand upon his heart, and made an humble bow to his master;вБ†вАФthen laying down his hat upon the floor, and taking up the sermon in his left hand, in order to have his right at liberty,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he advanced, nothing doubting, into the middle of the room, where he could best see, and be best seen by his audience. + 

XVI + 

вАФIf you have any objection,вБ†вАФsaid my father, addressing himself to Dr.¬†Slop. Not in the least, replied Dr.¬†Slop;вБ†вАФfor it does not appear on which side of the question it is wrote;вБ†вЄЇвБ†it may be a composition of a divine of our church, as well as yours,вБ†вАФso that we run equal risques.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis wrote upon neither side, quoth Trim, for вАЩtis only upon Conscience, anвАЩ please your Honours. + 

TrimвАЩs reason put his audience into good-humour,вБ†вАФall but Dr.¬†Slop, who turning his head about towards Trim, looked a little angry. + 

Begin, Trim,вБ†вАФand read distinctly, quoth my father.вБ†вАФI will, anвАЩ please your Honour, replied the Corporal, making a bow, and bespeaking attention with a slight movement of his right hand. + 

XVII + 

вЄЇвБ†But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a description of his attitude;вБ†вЄЇвБ†otherwise he will naturally stand represented, by your imagination, in an uneasy posture,вБ†вАФstiff,вБ†вАФperpendicular,вБ†вАФdividing the weight of his body equally upon both legs;вБ†вЄЇвБ†his eye fixed, as if on duty;вБ†вАФhis look determined,вБ†вАФclenching the sermon in his left hand, like his firelock.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In a word, you would be apt to paint Trim, as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action.вБ†вАФHis attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive. + 

He stood before them with his body swayed, and bent forwards just so far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the horizon;вБ†вАФwhich sound orators, to whom I address this, know very well to be the true persuasive angle of incidence;вБ†вАФin any other angle you may talk and preach;вБ†вАФвАЩtis certain;вБ†вАФand it is done every day;вБ†вАФbut with what effect,вБ†вАФI leave the world to judge! + 

The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half to a mathematical exactness,вБ†вЄЇвБ†does it not show us, by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other? + 

How the duce Corporal Trim, who knew not so much as an acute angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether it was chance or nature, or good sense or imitation, etc., shall be commented upon in that part of the cyclop√¶dia of arts and sciences, where the instrumental parts of the eloquence of the senate, the pulpit, and the bar, the coffeehouse, the bedchamber, and fireside, fall under consideration. + 

He stood,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for I repeat it, to take the picture of him in at one view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent forwards,вБ†вАФhis right leg from under him, sustaining seven-eighths of his whole weight,вБ†вЄїthe foot of his left leg, the defect of which was no disadvantage to his attitude, advanced a little,вБ†вАФnot laterally, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt them;вБ†вАФhis knee bent, but that not violently,вБ†вАФbut so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty;вБ†вАФand I add, of the line of science too;вБ†вАФfor consider, it had one eighth part of his body to bear up;вБ†вАФso that in this case the position of the leg is determined,вБ†вАФbecause the foot could be no farther advanced, or the knee more bent, than what would allow him, mechanically to receive an eighth part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too. + 

вШЮ This I recommend to painters:вБ†вАФneed I add,вБ†вАФto orators!вБ†вАФI think not; for unless they practise it,вБ†вЄїthey must fall upon their noses. + 

So much for Corporal TrimвАЩs body and legs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†He held the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised something above his stomach, and detached a little from his breast;вБ†вЄЇвБ†his right arm falling negligently by his side, as nature and the laws of gravity ordered it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but with the palm of it open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid the sentiment in case it stood in need. + 

Corporal TrimвАЩs eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony with the other parts of him;вБ†вАФhe looked frank,вБ†вАФunconstrained,вБ†вАФsomething assured,вБ†вАФbut not bordering upon assurance. + 

Let not the critic ask how Corporal Trim could come by all this.вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩve told him it should be explained;вБ†вАФbut so he stood before my father, my uncle Toby, and Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФso swayed his body, so contrasted his limbs, and with such an oratorical sweep throughout the whole figure,вБ†вЄЇвБ†a statuary might have modelled from it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nay, I doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a College,вБ†вАФor the Hebrew Professor himself, could have much mended it. + 

Trim made a bow, and read as follows: + 

вАЬTrust!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Trust we have a good conscience!вАЭ + 

[Certainly, Trim, quoth my father, interrupting him, you give that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man, and read it with such a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle. + 

He is, anвАЩ please your Honour, replied Trim. Pugh! said my father, smiling. + 

Sir, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, Trim is certainly in the right; for the writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish manner in which he takes up the apostle, is certainly going to abuse him;вБ†вАФif this treatment of him has not done it already. But from whence, replied my father, have you concluded so soon, Dr.¬†Slop, that the writer is of our church?вБ†вАФfor aught I can see yet,вБ†вАФhe may be of any church.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Because, answered Dr.¬†Slop, if he was of ours,вБ†вАФhe durst no more take such a licence,вБ†вАФthan a bear by his beard:вБ†вАФIf, in our communion, Sir, a man was to insult an apostle,вБ†вЄЇвБ†a saint,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or even the paring of a saintвАЩs nail,вБ†вАФhe would have his eyes scratched out.вБ†вАФWhat, by the saint? quoth my uncle Toby. No, replied Dr.¬†Slop, he would have an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition an ancient building, answered my uncle Toby, or is it a modern one?вБ†вАФI know nothing of architecture, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФAnвАЩ please your Honours, quoth Trim, the Inquisition is the vilestвБ†вЄЇвБ†Prithee spare thy description, Trim, I hate the very name of it, said my father.вБ†вАФNo matter for that, answered Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФit has its uses; for though IвАЩm no great advocate for it, yet, in such a case as this, he would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would be flung into the Inquisition for his pains. God help him then, quoth my uncle Toby. Amen, added Trim; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it.вБ†вАФI never heard one word of it before, said my uncle Toby, hastily:вБ†вАФHow came he there, Trim?вБ†вЄЇвБ†O, Sir! the story will make your heart bleed,вБ†вАФas it has made mine a thousand times;вБ†вАФbut it is too long to be told now;вБ†вАФyour Honour shall hear it from first to last some day when I am working beside you in our fortifications;вБ†вАФbut the short of the story is this;вБ†вАФThat my brother Tom went over a servant to Lisbon,вБ†вАФand then married a JewвАЩs widow, who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which somehow or other, was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and two small children, and carried directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him, continued Trim, fetching a sigh from the bottom of his heart,вБ†вАФthe poor honest lad lies confined at this hour; he was as honest a soul, added Trim, (pulling out his handkerchief) as ever blood warmed.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вАФThe tears trickled down TrimвАЩs cheeks faster than he could well wipe them away.вБ†вАФAnd dead silence in the room ensued for some minutes.вБ†вАФCertain proof of pity! + 

Come, Trim, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fellowвАЩs grief had got a little vent,вБ†вАФread on,вБ†вАФand put this melancholy story out of thy head:вБ†вАФI grieve that I interrupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon again;вБ†вАФfor if the first sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou sayest, I have a great desire to know what kind of provocation the apostle has given. + 

Corporal Trim wiped his face, and returned his handkerchief into his pocket, and, making a bow as he did it,вБ†вАФhe began again.] + 

вАЬTrust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there is anything in this life which a man may depend upon, and to the knowledge of which he is capable of arriving upon the most indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing,вБ†вАФwhether he has a good conscience or no.вАЭ + 

[I am positive I am right, quoth Dr.¬†Slop.] + 

вАЬIf a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the true state of this account;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires;вБ†вАФhe must remember his past pursuits, and know certainly the true springs and motives, which, in general, have governed the actions of his life.вАЭ + 

[I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr.¬†Slop.] + 

вАЬIn other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; and, as the wise man complains, hardly do we guess aright at the things that are upon the earth, and with labour do we find the things that are before us. But here the mind has all the evidence and facts within herself;вБ†вЄЇвБ†is conscious of the web she has wove;вБ†вЄЇвБ†knows its texture and fineness, and the exact share which every passion has had in working upon the several designs which virtue or vice has planned before her.вАЭ + 

[The language is good, and I declare Trim reads very well, quoth my father.] + 

вАЬNow,вБ†вАФas conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind has within herself of this; and the judgment, either of approbation or censure, which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our lives; вАЩtis plain you will say, from the very terms of the proposition,вБ†вАФwhenever this inward testimony goes against a man, and he stands self-accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty man.вБ†вАФAnd, on the contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart condemns him not:вБ†вАФthat it is not a matter of trust, as the apostle intimates, but a matter of certainty and fact, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good also.вАЭ + 

[Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that St.¬†Paul and the Protestant divine are both of an opinion.вБ†вАФAs nearly so, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, as east is to west;вБ†вАФbut this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes from the liberty of the press. + 

It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or ever likely to be. + 

Go on, Trim, quoth my father.] + 

вАЬAt first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind of man,вБ†вАФthat did no such thing ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by long habits of sin, might (as the scripture assures it may) insensibly become hard;вБ†вАФand, like some tender parts of his body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by degrees that nice sense and perception with which God and nature endowed it:вБ†вАФDid this never happen;вБ†вАФor was it certain that self-love could never hang the least bias upon the judgment;вБ†вАФor that the little interests below could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness:вБ†вЄЇвБ†Could no such thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court:вБ†вАФDid Wit disdain to take a bribe in it;вБ†вАФor was ashamed to show its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that Interest stood always unconcerned whilst the cause was hearingвБ†вАФand that Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and determine upon the case:вБ†вАФWas this truly so, as the objection must suppose;вБ†вАФno doubt then the religious and moral state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it:вБ†вАФand the guilt or innocence of every manвАЩs life could be known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of his own approbation and censure. + 

вАЬI own, in one case, whenever a manвАЩs conscience does accuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation. + 

вАЬBut the converse of the proposition will not hold true;вБ†вАФnamely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent.вБ†вЄЇвБ†This is not factвБ†вЄїSo that the common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself,вБ†вАФthat he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a quiet one,вБ†вАФis fallacious;вБ†вАФand as current as the inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts,вБ†вЄЇвБ†you see it liable to so much error from a false application;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the principle upon which it goes so often perverted;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from human life, which confirm the account. + 

вАЬA man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles;вБ†вАФexceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify,вБ†вЄЇвБ†a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall ruin forever the deluded partner of his guilt;вБ†вАФrob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour;вБ†вАФbut involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches. + 

вАЬAlas! Conscience had something else to do all this time, than break in upon him; as Elijah reproached the god Baal,вБ†вЄЇвБ†this domestic god was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be awoke. + 

вАЬPerhaps He was gone out in company with Honour to fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps Conscience all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrilyвАЭвБ†вЄЇ[If he was of our church, though, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, he could not]вБ†вАФвАЬsleeps as soundly in his bed;вБ†вАФand at last meets death as unconcernedly;вБ†вАФperhaps much more so, than a much better man.вАЭ + 

[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, turning to my father,вБ†вАФthe case could not happen in our church.вБ†вАФIt happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I own, quoth Dr.¬†Slop, (struck a little with my fatherвАЩs frank acknowledgment)вБ†вАФthat a man in the Romish church may live as badly;вБ†вАФbut then he cannot easily die so.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indifference,вБ†вАФhow a rascal dies.вБ†вАФI mean, answered Dr.¬†Slop, he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments.вБ†вАФPray how many have you in all, said my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for I always forget?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven, answered Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph!вБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby; though not accented as a note of acquiescence,вБ†вАФbut as an interjection of that particular species of surprise, when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he expected.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr.¬†Slop, who had an ear, understood my uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Humph! replied Dr.¬†Slop (stating my uncle TobyвАЩs argument over again to him)вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven mortal sins?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven golden candlesticks?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven heavens?вБ†вАФвАЩTis more than I know, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄїAre there not seven wonders of the world?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven days of the creation?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven planets?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Seven plagues?вБ†вЄЇвБ†That there are, quoth my father with a most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of thy characters, Trim.] + 

вАЬAnother is sordid, unmerciful,вАЭ (here Trim waved his right hand) вАЬa strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either of private friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he passes by the widow and orphan in their distress, and sees all the miseries incident to human life without a sigh or a prayer.вАЭ [AnвАЩ please your honours, cried Trim, I think this a viler man than the other.] + 

вАЬShall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occasions?вБ†вЄЇвБ†No; thank God there is no occasion, I pay every man his own;вБ†вАФI have no fornication to answer to my conscience;вБ†вАФno faithless vows or promises to make up;вБ†вАФI have debauched no manвАЩs wife or child; thank God, I am not as other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this libertine, who stands before me. + 

вАЬA third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his whole life;вБ†вАФвАЩtis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable subterfuges, basely to defeat the true intent of all laws,вБ†вЄЇвБ†plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of our several properties.вБ†вЄЇвБ†You will see such a one working out a frame of little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and needy man;вБ†вАФshall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth, or the unsuspecting temper of his friend, who would have trusted him with his life. + 

вАЬWhen old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon this black account, and state it over again with his conscienceвБ†вАФConscience looks into the Statutes at Large;вБ†вАФfinds no express law broken by what he has done;вБ†вАФperceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels incurred;вБ†вАФsees no scourge waving over his head, or prison opening his gates upon him:вБ†вАФWhat is there to affright his conscience?вБ†вАФConscience has got safely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with Cases and Reports so strongly on all sides;вБ†вАФthat it is not preaching can dispossess it of its hold.вАЭ + 

[Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged looks with each other.вБ†вАФAye, aye, Trim! quoth my uncle Toby, shaking his head,вБ†вЄїthese are but sorry fortifications, Trim.вБ†вЄїO! very poor work, answered Trim, to what your Honour and I make of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The character of this last man, said Dr.¬†Slop, interrupting Trim, is more detestable than all the rest; and seems to have been taken from some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you:вБ†вАФAmongst us, a manвАЩs conscience could not possibly continue so long blinded,вБ†вЄЇвБ†three times in a year, at least, he must go to confession. Will that restore it to sight? quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Go on, Trim, quoth my father, or Obadiah will have got back before thou hast got to the end of thy sermon.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis a very short one, replied Trim.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish it was longer, quoth my uncle Toby, for I like it hugely.вБ†вАФTrim went on.] + 

вАЬA fourth man shall want even this refuge;вБ†вАФshall break through all their ceremony of slow chicane;вБ†вЄЇвБ†scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots and cautious trains to bring about his purpose:вБ†вЄЇвБ†See the barefaced villain, how he cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders!вБ†вАФHorrid!вБ†вАФBut indeed much better was not to be expected, in the present caseвБ†вАФthe poor man was in the dark!вБ†вЄїhis priest had got the keeping of his conscience;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and all he would let him know of it, was, That he must believe in the Pope;вБ†вАФgo to Mass;вБ†вАФcross himself;вБ†вАФtell his beads;вБ†вАФbe a good Catholic, and that this, in all conscience, was enough to carry him to heaven. What;вБ†вАФif he perjures!вБ†вАФWhy;вБ†вАФhe had a mental reservation in it.вБ†вАФBut if he is so wicked and abandoned a wretch as you represent him;вБ†вАФif he robs,вБ†вАФif he stabs, will not conscience, on every such act, receive a wound itself?вБ†вАФAye,вБ†вАФbut the man has carried it to confession;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the wound digests there, and will do well enough, and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution. O Popery! what hast thou to answer for?вБ†вЄЇвБ†when, not content with the too many natural and fatal ways, throвАЩ which the heart of man is every day thus treacherous to itself above all things;вБ†вАФthou hast wilfully set open the wide gate of deceit before the face of this unwary traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray of himself; and confidently speak peace to himself, when there is no peace. + 

вАЬOf this the common instances which I have drawn out of life, are too notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts the reality of them, or thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himself,вБ†вАФI must refer him a moment to his own reflections, and will then venture to trust my appeal with his own heart. + 

вАЬLet him consider in how different a degree of detestation, numbers of wicked actions stand there, though equally bad and vicious in their own natures;вБ†вАФhe will soon find, that such of them as strong inclination and custom have prompted him to commit, are generally dressed out and painted with all the false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can give them;вБ†вАФand that the others, to which he feels no propensity, appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all the true circumstances of folly and dishonour. + 

вАЬWhen David surprised Saul sleeping in the cave, and cut off the skirt of his robeвБ†вАФwe read his heart smote him for what he had done:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But in the matter of Uriah, where a faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved and honoured, fell to make way for his lust,вБ†вАФwhere conscience had so much greater reason to take the alarm, his heart smote him not. A whole year had almost passed from the first commission of that crime, to the time Nathan was sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the least sorrow or compunction of heart which he testified, during all that time, for what he had done. + 

вАЬThus conscience, this once able monitor,вБ†вЄЇвБ†placed on high as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a just and equitable one too,вБ†вАФby an unhappy train of causes and impediments, takes often such imperfect cognizance of what passes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†does its office so negligently,вБ†вЄЇвБ†sometimes so corruptlyвБ†вАФthat it is not to be trusted alone; and therefore we find there is a necessity, an absolute necessity, of joining another principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its determinations. + 

вАЬSo that if you would form a just judgment of what is of infinite importance to you not to be misled in,вБ†вАФnamely, in what degree of real merit you stand either as an honest man, an useful citizen, a faithful subject to your king, or a good servant to your God,вБ†вЄЇвБ†call in religion and morality.вБ†вАФLook, What is written in the law of God?вБ†вЄЇвБ†How readest thou?вБ†вАФConsult calm reason and the unchangeable obligations of justice and truth;вБ†вЄЇвБ†what say they? + 

вАЬLet Conscience determine the matter upon these reports;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and then if thy heart condemns thee not, which is the case the apostle supposes,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the rule will be infallible;вАЭвБ†вАФ[Here Dr.¬†Slop fell asleep]вБ†вАФвАЬthou wilt have confidence towards God;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, have just grounds to believe the judgment thou hast past upon thyself, is the judgment of God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being, to whom thou art finally to give an account of thy actions. + 

вАЬBlessed is the man, indeed, then, as the author of the book of Ecclesiasticus expresses it, who is not pricked with the multitude of his sins: Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned him; whether he be rich, or whether he be poor, if he have a good heart (a heart thus guided and informed) he shall at all times rejoice in a cheerful countenance; his mind shall tell him more than seven watchmen that sit above upon a tower on high.вАЭвБ†вАФ[A tower has no strength, quoth my uncle Toby, unless вАЩtis flankвАЩd.]вБ†вАФвАЬIn the darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than a thousand casuists, and give the state he lives in, a better security for his behaviour than all the causes and restrictions put together which lawmakers are forced to multiply:вБ†вАФForced, I say, as things stand; human laws not being a matter of original choice, but of pure necessity, brought in to fence against the mischievous effects of those consciences which are no law unto themselves; well intending, by the many provisions made,вБ†вАФthat in all such corrupt and misguided cases, where principles and the checks of conscience will not make us upright,вБ†вАФto supply their force, and, by the terrors of gaols and halters, oblige us to it.вАЭ + 

[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to be preached at the Temple,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or at some Assize.вБ†вАФI like the reasoning,вБ†вАФand am sorry that Dr.¬†Slop has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction:вБ†вАФfor it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at first, never insulted St.¬†Paul in the least;вБ†вАФnor has there been, brother, the least difference between them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†A great matter, if they had differed, replied my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФthe best friends in the world may differ sometimes.вБ†вЄЇвБ†True,вБ†вАФbrother Toby, quoth my father, shaking hands with him,вБ†вАФweвАЩll fill our pipes, brother, and then Trim shall go on. + 

Well,вБ†вЄЇвБ†what dost thou think of it? said my father speaking to Corporal Trim, as he reached his tobacco-box. + 

I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watchmen upon the tower, who, I suppose, are all sentinels there,вБ†вАФare more, anвАЩ please your Honour, than were necessary;вБ†вАФand, to go on at that rate, would harrass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves his men, will never do, if he can help it, because two sentinels, added the Corporal, are as good as twenty.вБ†вАФI have been a commanding officer myself in the Corps de Garde a hundred times, continued Trim, rising an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke,вБ†вАФand all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty King William, in relieving the most considerable posts, I never left more than two in my life.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Very right, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФbut you do not consider, Trim, that the towers, in SolomonвАЩs days, were not such things as our bastions, flanked and defended by other works;вБ†вАФthis, Trim, was an invention since SolomonвАЩs death; nor had they horn-works, or ravelins before the curtin, in his time;вБ†вЄЇвБ†or such a foss√© as we make with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to guard against a Coup de main:вБ†вАФSo that the seven men upon the tower were a party, I dare say, from the Corps de Garde, set there, not only to look out, but to defend it.вБ†вАФThey could be no more, anвАЩ please your Honour, than a CorporalвАЩs Guard.вБ†вАФMy father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly;вБ†вАФthe subject being rather too serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest of.вБ†вАФSo putting his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted,вБ†вАФhe contented himself with ordering Trim to read on. He read on as follows:] + 

вАЬTo have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right and wrong:вБ†вЄЇвБ†The first of these will comprehend the duties of religion;вБ†вАФthe second, those of morality, which are so inseparably connected together, that you cannot divide these two tables, even in imagination (though the attempt is often made in practice) without breaking and mutually destroying them both. + 

вАЬI said the attempt is often made; and so it is;вБ†вЄЇвБ†there being nothing more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite. + 

вАЬWhen there is some appearance that it is so,вБ†вАФthough one is unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive. + 

вАЬLet him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress. + 

вАЬI will illustrate this by an example. + 

вАЬI know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call inвАЭвБ†вАФ[There is no need, cried Dr.¬†Slop (waking), to call in any physician in this case]вБ†вЄЇвАЬto be neither of them men of much religion: I hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt. Well;вБ†вАФnotwithstanding this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one:вБ†вАФand what is dearer still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other. + 

вАЬNow let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why, in the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of them will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage;вБ†вАФI consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life:вБ†вАФI know their success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters.вБ†вАФIn a word, IвАЩm persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more. + 

вАЬBut put it otherwise, namely, that interest lay, for once, on the other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the world;вБ†вАФor that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art:вБ†вАФIn this case, what hold have I of either of them?вБ†вАФReligion, the strongest of all motives, is out of the question;вБ†вАФInterest, the next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against me:вБ†вЄїWhat have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation?вБ†вЄїAlas! I have nothing,вБ†вЄЇвБ†nothing but what is lighter than a bubbleвБ†вЄїI must lie at the mercy of Honour, or some such capricious principleвБ†вАФStrait security for two of the most valuable blessings!вБ†вАФmy property and myself. + 

вАЬAs, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without religion;вБ†вАФso, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be expected from religion without morality; nevertheless, вАЩtis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious man. + 

вАЬHe shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable,вБ†вАФbut even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against the infidelity of the age,вБ†вЄЇвБ†is zealous for some points of religion,вБ†вЄЇвБ†goes twice a day to church,вБ†вАФattends the sacraments,вБ†вАФand amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion,вБ†вАФshall cheat his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man, and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find such a man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of piety,вБ†вАФthough, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself. + 

вАЬThis likewise is a sore evil under the sun; and I believe, there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more serious mischiefs.вБ†вЄїFor a general proof of this,вБ†вАФexamine the history of the Romish church;вАЭвБ†вАФ[Well, what can you make of that? cried Dr.¬†Slop]вБ†вАФвАЬsee what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr.¬†Slop]вБ†вЄЇвАЬhave all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality. + 

вАЬIn how many kingdoms of the worldвАЭвБ†вАФ[Here Trim kept waving his right hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.] + 

вАЬIn how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this misguided saint-errant, spared neither age nor merit, or sex, or condition?вБ†вАФand, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and humanity, he showed none; mercilessly trampled upon both,вБ†вАФheard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor pitied their distresses.вАЭ + 

[I have been in many a battle, anвАЩ please your Honour, quoth Trim, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this,вБ†вАФI would not have drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to have been made a general officer.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why? what do you understand of the affair? said Dr.¬†Slop, looking towards Trim, with something more of contempt than the CorporalвАЩs honest heart deserved.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What do you know, friend, about this battle you talk of?вБ†вАФI know, replied Trim, that I never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but to a woman or a child, continued Trim, before I would level my musket at them, I would lose my life a thousand times.вБ†вЄЇвБ†HereвАЩs a crown for thee, Trim, to drink with Obadiah tonight, quoth my uncle Toby, and IвАЩll give Obadiah another too.вБ†вАФGod bless your Honour, replied Trim,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I had rather these poor women and children had it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Thou art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father nodded his head, as much as to say,вБ†вАФand so he is.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But prithee, Trim, said my father, make an end,вБ†вАФfor I see thou hast but a leaf or two left. + 

Corporal Trim read on.] + 

вАЬIf the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient,вБ†вАФconsider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves. + 

вАЬTo be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of the Inquisition.вАЭвБ†вАФ[God help my poor brother Tom.]вБ†вАФвАЬBehold Religion, with Mercy and Justice chained down under her feet,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment. Hark!вБ†вАФhark! what a piteous groan!вАЭвБ†вАФ[Here TrimвАЩs face turned as pale as ashes.]вБ†вЄЇвАЬSee the melancholy wretch who uttered itвАЭвБ†вАФ[Here the tears began to trickle down.]вБ†вЄЇвАЬjust brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent.вАЭвБ†вАФ[DвБ†вЄЇвБ†n them all, quoth Trim, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.]вБ†вАФвАЬBehold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,вБ†вАФhis body so wasted with sorrow and confinement.вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Oh! вАЩtis my brother, cried poor Trim in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands togetherвБ†вАФI fear вАЩtis poor Tom. My fatherвАЩs and my uncle TobyвАЩs heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellowвАЩs distress; even Slop himself acknowledged pity for him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Why, Trim, said my father, this is not a history,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the sentence again.]вБ†вЄЇвАЬBehold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,вБ†вАФhis body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers. + 

вАЬObserve the last movement of that horrid engine!вАЭвБ†вАФ[I would rather face a cannon, quoth Trim, stamping.]вБ†вАФвАЬSee what convulsions it has thrown him into!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,вБ†вАФwhat exquisite tortures he endures by it!вАЭвБ†вАФ[I hope вАЩtis not in Portugal.]вБ†вАФвАЬвАКвАЩTis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!вАЭ [I would not read another line of it, quoth Trim, for all this world;вБ†вАФI fear, anвАЩ please your Honours, all this is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is. I tell thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, вАЩtis not an historical account,вБ†вАФвАЩtis a description.вБ†вАФвАЩTis only a description, honest man, quoth Slop, thereвАЩs not a word of truth in it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†ThatвАЩs another story, replied my father.вБ†вАФHowever, as Trim reads it with so much concern,вБ†вАФвАЩtis cruelty to force him to go on with it.вБ†вАФGive me hold of the sermon, Trim,вБ†вАФIвАЩll finish it for thee, and thou mayвАЩst go. I must stay and hear it, too, replied Trim, if your Honour will allow me;вБ†вАФthough I would not read it myself for a ColonelвАЩs pay.вБ†вЄїPoor Trim! quoth my uncle Toby. My father went on.]вБ†вАФ + 

вАЬвБ†вЄЇвБ†Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,вБ†вАФwhat exquisite torture he endures by it!вБ†вАФвАЩTis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips,вБ†вАФwilling to take its leave,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but not suffered to depart!вБ†вАФBehold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Then, thank God, however, quoth Trim, they have not killed him.]вБ†вАФвАЬSee him dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which this principle,вБ†вАФthis principle, that there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him.вАЭвБ†вЄЇ[Then, thank God,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he is dead, quoth Trim,вБ†вАФhe is out of his pain,вБ†вАФand they have done their worst at him.вБ†вАФO Sirs!вБ†вАФHold your peace, Trim, said my father, going on with the sermon, lest Trim should incense Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вАФwe shall never have done at this rate.] + 

вАЬThe surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity;вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and suchlike cases, and it is worth a thousand argumentsвБ†вЄЇвБ†By their fruits ye shall know them. + 

вАЬI will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or three short and independent rules deducible from it. + 

вАЬFirst, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better of his Creed. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, вАЩtis for no other cause but quietnessвАЩ sake. + 

вАЬSecondly, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular instance,вБ†вЄЇвБ†That such a thing goes against his conscience,вБ†вЄЇвБ†always believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes against his stomach;вБ†вАФa present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both. + 

вАЬIn a word,вБ†вАФtrust that man in nothing, who has not a Conscience in everything. + 

вАЬAnd, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in which has ruined thousands,вБ†вАФthat your conscience is not a law:вБ†вАФNo, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine;вБ†вЄЇвБ†not, like an Asiatic Qadi, according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions,вБ†вАФbut like a British judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written.вАЭ + 

Finis + 

Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, Trim, quoth my father.вБ†вАФIf he had spared his comments, replied Dr.¬†Slop,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he would have read it much better. I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered Trim, but that my heart was so full.вБ†вАФThat was the very reason, Trim, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr.¬†Slop, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done,вБ†вАФas their compositions are fine;вБ†вАФ[I deny it, quoth Dr.¬†Slop]вБ†вАФI maintain it,вБ†вАФthat the eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a model for the whole world:вБ†вЄЇвБ†But alas! continued my father, and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like French politicians in this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the sermon well, replied my father,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis dramatick,вБ†вАФand there is something in that way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We preach much in that way with us, said Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФI know that very well, said my father,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr.¬†Slop, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But in this, added Dr.¬†Slop, a little piqued,вБ†вАФour sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarchвАЩs wife, or a martyr or a saint.вБ†вАФThere are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for вАЩem.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But pray, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вАФwhoвАЩs can this be?вБ†вАФHow could it get into my Stevinus? A man must be as great a conjurer as Stevinus, said my father, to resolve the second question:вБ†вАФThe first, I think, is not so difficult;вБ†вАФfor unless my judgment greatly deceives me,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know the author, for вАЩtis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish. + 

The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of his conjecture,вБ†вАФproving it as strongly, as an argument √† priori could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was YorickвАЩs and no oneвАЩs else:вБ†вАФIt was proved to be so, a posteriori, the day after, when Yorick sent a servant to my uncle TobyвАЩs house to enquire after it. + 

It seems that Yorick, who was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed Stevinus of my uncle Toby, and had carelessly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle of Stevinus; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever subject, he had sent Stevinus home, and his sermon to keep him company. + 

Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee, a second time, dropped throвАЩ an unsuspected fissure in thy masterвАЩs pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered lining,вБ†вАФtrod deep into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his Rocinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst;вБ†вАФburied ten days in the mire,вБ†вЄЇвБ†raised up out of it by a beggar,вБ†вАФsold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk,вБ†вЄЇвБ†transferred to his parson,вБ†вЄЇвБ†lost forever to thy own, the remainder of his days,вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor restored to his restless Manes till this very moment, that I tell the world the story. + 

Can the reader believe, that this sermon of YorickвАЩs was preached at an assize, in the cathedral of York, before a thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him when he had done,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and within so short a space as two years and three months after YorickвАЩs death?вБ†вАФYorick indeed, was never better served in his life;вБ†вЄїbut it was a little hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his grave. + 

However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with Yorick,вБ†вАФand, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies to give away;вБ†вАФand that I am told he could moreover have made as good a one himself, had he thought fit,вБ†вАФI declare I would not have published this anecdote to the world;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the church;вБ†вЄЇвБ†I leave that to others;вБ†вАФbut I find myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand. + 

The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to YorickвАЩs ghost;вБ†вЄЇвБ†whichвБ†вАФas the country-people, and some others, believe,вБ†вЄЇвБ†still walks. + 

The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world, I gain an opportunity of informing it,вБ†вАФThat in case the character of parson Yorick, and this sample of his sermons, is liked,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there are now in the possession of the Shandy family, as many as will make a handsome volume, at the worldвАЩs service,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and much good may they do it. + 

XVIII + 

Obadiah gained the two crowns without dispute; for he came in jingling, with all the instruments in the green bays bag we spoke of, slung across his body, just as Corporal Trim went out of the room. + 

It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr.¬†Slop (clearing up his looks), as we are in a condition to be of some service to Mrs.¬†Shandy, to send upstairs to know how she goes on. + 

I have ordered, answered my father, the old midwife to come down to us upon the least difficulty;вБ†вАФfor you must know, Dr.¬†Slop, continued my father, with a perplexed kind of a smile upon his countenance, that by express treaty, solemnly ratified between me and my wife, you are no more than an auxiliary in this affair,вБ†вАФand not so much as that,вБ†вАФunless the lean old mother of a midwife above stairs cannot do without you.вБ†вАФWomen have their particular fancies, and in points of this nature, continued my father, where they bear the whole burden, and suffer so much acute pain for the advantage of our families, and the good of the species,вБ†вАФthey claim a right of deciding, en Souveraines, in whose hands, and in what fashion, they choose to undergo it. + 

They are in the right of it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†quoth my uncle Toby. But, Sir, replied Dr.¬†Slop, not taking notice of my uncle TobyвАЩs opinion, but turning to my father,вБ†вАФthey had better govern in other points;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and a father of a family, who wishes its perpetuity, in my opinion, had better exchange this prerogative with them, and give up some other rights in lieu of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know not, quoth my father, answering a little too testily, to be quite dispassionate in what he said,вБ†вАФI know not, quoth he, what we have left to give up, in lieu of who shall bring our children into the world, unless that,вБ†вАФof who shall beget them.вБ†вЄїOne would almost give up anything, replied Dr.¬†Slop.вБ†вАФI beg your pardon,вБ†вЄЇвБ†answered my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФSir, replied Dr.¬†Slop, it would astonish you to know what improvements we have made of late years in all branches of obstetrical knowledge, but particularly in that one single point of the safe and expeditious extraction of the f≈Уtus,вБ†вЄЇвБ†which has received such lights, that, for my part (holding up his hands) I declare I wonder how the world hasвБ†вЄЇвБ†I wish, quoth my uncle Toby, you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders. + 

XIX + 

I have dropped the curtain over this scene for a minute,вБ†вЄЇвБ†to remind you of one thing,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and to inform you of another. + 

What I have to inform you, comes, I own, a little out of its due course;вБ†вЄЇвБ†for it should have been told a hundred and fifty pages ago, but that I foresaw then вАЩtwould come in pat hereafter, and be of more advantage here than elsewhere.вБ†вАФWriters had need look before them, to keep up the spirit and connection of what they have in hand. + 

When these two things are done,вБ†вАФthe curtain shall be drawn up again, and my uncle Toby, my father, and Dr.¬†Slop, shall go on with their discourse, without any more interruption. + 

First, then, the matter which I have to remind you of, is this;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that from the specimens of singularity in my fatherвАЩs notions in the point of christian-names, and that other previous point thereto,вБ†вАФyou was led, I think, into an opinion (and I am sure I said as much), that my father was a gentleman altogether as odd and whimsical in fifty other opinions. In truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from the very first act of his begetting,вБ†вЄЇвБ†down to the lean and slippered pantaloon in his second childishness, but he had some favourite notion to himself, springing out of it, as sceptical, and as far out of the highway of thinking, as these two which have been explained. + 

вАФMr.¬†Shandy, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the light in which others placed it;вБ†вАФhe placed things in his own light;вБ†вАФhe would weigh nothing in common scales;вБ†вАФno, he was too refined a researcher to lie open to so gross an imposition.вБ†вАФTo come at the exact weight of things in the scientific steelyard, the fulcrum, he would say, should be almost invisible, to avoid all friction from popular tenets;вБ†вАФwithout this the minuti√¶ of philosophy, which would always turn the balance, will have no weight at all. Knowledge, like matter, he would affirm, was divisible in infinitum;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that the grains and scruples were as much a part of it, as the gravitation of the whole world.вБ†вАФIn a word, he would say, error was error,вБ†вАФno matter where it fell,вБ†вЄЇвБ†whether in a fraction,вБ†вАФor a pound,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well, as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterflyвАЩs wings,вБ†вЄЇвБ†as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together. + 

He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly, and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were out of joint;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that the political arch was giving way;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that the very foundations of our excellent constitution, in church and state, were so sapped as estimators had reported. + 

You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone people. Why? he would ask, making use of the sorites or syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippus, without knowing it belonged to them.вБ†вАФWhy? why are we a ruined people?вБ†вАФBecause we are corrupted.вБ†вАФWhence is it, dear Sir, that we are corrupted?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Because we are needy;вБ†вЄЇвБ†our poverty, and not our wills, consent.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And wherefore, he would add, are we needy?вБ†вАФFrom the neglect, he would answer, of our pence and our halfpence:вБ†вАФOur bank notes, Sir, our guineas,вБ†вАФnay, our shillings take care of themselves. + 

вАЩTis the same, he would say, throughout the whole circle of the sciences;вБ†вАФthe great, the established points of them, are not to be broke in upon.вБ†вАФThe laws of nature will defend themselves;вБ†вАФbut errorвБ†вЄЇ(he would add, looking earnestly at my mother)вБ†вЄЇвБ†error, Sir, creeps in throвАЩ the minute holes and small crevices which human nature leaves unguarded. + 

This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you of:вБ†вАФThe point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved for this place, is as follows. + 

Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which my father had urged my mother to accept of Dr.¬†SlopвАЩs assistance preferably to that of the old woman,вБ†вЄЇвБ†there was one of a very singular nature; which, when he had done arguing the matter with her as a Christian, and came to argue it over again with her as a philosopher, he had put his whole strength to, depending indeed upon it as his sheet-anchor.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It failed him; though from no defect in the argument itself; but that, do what he could, he was not able for his soul to make her comprehend the drift of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Cursed luck!вБ†вЄЇвБ†said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walked out of the room, after he had been stating it for an hour and a half to her, to no manner of purpose;вБ†вАФcursed luck! said he, biting his lip as he shut the door,вБ†вЄЇвБ†for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in nature,вБ†вАФand have a wife at the same time with such a headpiece, that he cannot hang up a single inference within side of it, to save his soul from destruction. + 

This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my mother,вБ†вЄЇвБ†had more weight with him, than all his other arguments joined together:вБ†вАФI will therefore endeavour to do it justice,вБ†вАФand set it forth with all the perspicuity I am master of. + 

My father set out upon the strength of these two following axioms: + 

First, That an ounce of a manвАЩs own wit, was worth a ton of other peopleвАЩs; and, + 

Secondly (Which by the by, was the groundwork of the first axiom,вБ†вЄЇвБ†though it comes last), That every manвАЩs wit must come from every manвАЩs own soul,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and no other bodyвАЩs. + 

Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by nature equal,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that the great difference between the most acute and the most obtuse understandingвБ†вЄЇвБ†was from no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinking substance above or below another,вБ†вЄЇвБ†but arose merely from the lucky or unlucky organisation of the body, in that part where the soul principally took up her residence,вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had made it the subject of his enquiry to find out the identical place. + 

Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter, he was satisfied it could not be where Des Cartes had fixed it, upon the top of the pineal gland of the brain; which, as he philosophized, formed a cushion for her about the size of a marrow pea; though, to speak the truth, as so many nerves did terminate all in that one place,вБ†вАФвАЩtwas no bad conjecture;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and my father had certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into the centre of the mistake, had it not been for my uncle Toby, who rescued him out of it, by a story he told him of a Walloon officer at the battle of Landen, who had one part of his brain shot away by a musket-ball,вБ†вАФand another part of it taken out after by a French surgeon; and after all, recovered, and did his duty very well without it. + 

If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is nothing but the separation of the soul from the body; and if it is true that people can walk about and do their business without brains,вБ†вАФthen certes the soul does not inhabit there. Q.E.D. + 

As for that certain, very thin, subtle and very fragrant juice which Coglionissimo Borri, the great Milanese physician affirms, in a letter to Bartholine, to have discovered in the cellul√¶ of the occipital parts of the cerebellum, and which he likewise affirms to be the principal seat of the reasonable soul (for, you must know, in these latter and more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man living,вБ†вАФthe one, according to the great Metheglingius, being called the Animus, the other, the Anima;)вБ†вАФas for the opinion, I say, of Borri,вБ†вАФmy father could never subscribe to it by any means; the very idea of so noble, so refined, so immaterial, and so exalted a being as the Anima, or even the Animus, taking up her residence, and sitting dabbling, like a tadpole all day long, both summer and winter, in a puddle,вБ†вЄЇвБ†or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin soever, he would say, shocked his imagination; he would scarce give the doctrine a hearing. + 

What, therefore, seemed the least liable to objections of any, was that the chief sensorium, or headquarters of the soul, and to which place all intelligences were referred, and from whence all her mandates were issued,вБ†вАФwas in, or near, the cerebellum,вБ†вАФor rather somewhere about the medulla oblongata, wherein it was generally agreed by Dutch anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all the organs of the seven senses concentered, like streets and winding alleys, into a square. + 

So far there was nothing singular in my fatherвАЩs opinion,вБ†вАФhe had the best of philosophers, of all ages and climates, to go along with him.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But here he took a road of his own, setting up another Shandean hypothesis upon these cornerstones they had laid for him;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and which said hypothesis equally stood its ground; whether the subtlety and fineness of the soul depended upon the temperature and clearness of the said liquor, or of the finer network and texture in the cerebellum itself; which opinion he favoured. + 

He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in the act of propagation of each individual, which required all the thought in the world, as it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture, in which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the name of good natural parts, do consist;вБ†вАФthat next to this and his christian-name, which were the two original and most efficacious causes of all;вБ†вЄЇвБ†that the third cause, or rather what logicians call the Causa sine qu√Ґ non, and without which all that was done was of no manner of significance,вБ†вЄЇвБ†was the preservation of this delicate and finespun web, from the havock which was generally made in it by the violent compression and crush which the head was made to undergo, by the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by that foremost. + 

вЄЇвБ†This requires explanation. + 

My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon looking into Lithopaedus Senonesis de Partu difficili, published by Adrianus Smelvgot, had found out, that the lax and pliable state of a childвАЩs head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having no sutures at that time, was such,вБ†вЄЇвБ†that by force of the womanвАЩs efforts, which, in strong labour-pains, was equal, upon an average, to the weight of 470 pounds averdupois acting perpendicularly upon it;вБ†вАФit so happened, that in 49 instances out of 50, the said head was compressed and moulded into the shape of an oblong conical piece of dough, such as a pastrycook generally rolls up in order to make a pye of.вБ†вАФGood God! cried my father, what havock and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and tender texture of the cerebellum!вБ†вАФOr if there is such a juice as Borri pretends,вБ†вАФis it not enough to make the clearest liquid in the world both feculent and mothery? + 

But how great was his apprehension, when he farther understood, that this force acting upon the very vertex of the head, not only injured the brain itself, or cerebrum,вБ†вАФbut that it necessarily squeezed and propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, which was the immediate seat of the understanding!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Angels and ministers of grace defend us! cried my father,вБ†вЄЇвБ†can any soul withstand this shock?вБ†вАФNo wonder the intellectual web is so rent and tattered as we see it; and that so many of our best heads are no better than a puzzled skein of silk,вБ†вЄЇвБ†all perplexity,вБ†вЄЇвБ†all confusion within-side. + 

But when my father read on, and was let into the secret, that when a child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and was extracted by the feet;вБ†вАФthat instead of the cerebrum being propelled towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was propelled simply towards the cerebrum, where it could do no manner of hurt:вБ†вЄЇвБ†By heavens! cried he, the world is in conspiracy to drive out what little wit God has given us,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and the professors of the obstetric art are lifted into the same conspiracy.вБ†вАФWhat is it to me which end of my son comes foremost into the world, provided all goes right after, and his cerebellum escapes uncrushed? + 

It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it, that it assimilates everything to itself, as proper nourishment; and, from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the stronger by everything you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of great use. + 

When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a ph√¶nomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve by it;вБ†вАФit accounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in the family.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Poor devil, he would say,вБ†вАФhe made way for the capacity of his younger brothers.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It unriddled the observations of drivellers and monstrous heads,вБ†вЄЇвБ†showing √† priori, it could not be otherwise,вБ†вЄЇвБ†unless **** I donвАЩt know what. It wonderfully explained and accounted for the acumen of the Asiatic genius, and that sprightlier turn, and a more penetrating intuition of minds, in warmer climates; not from the loose and commonplace solution of a clearer sky, and a more perpetual sunshine, etc.вБ†вАФwhich for aught he knew, might as well rarefy and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one extreme,вБ†вАФas they are condensed in colder climates by the other;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but he traced the affair up to its spring-head;вБ†вАФshowed that, in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairest parts of the creation;вБ†вАФtheir pleasures more;вБ†вАФthe necessity of their pains less, insomuch that the pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that the whole organisation of the cerebellum was preserved;вБ†вЄЇвБ†nay, he did not believe, in natural births, that so much as a single thread of the network was broke or displaced,вБ†вЄЇвБ†so that the soul might just act as she liked. + 

When my father had got so far,вБ†вЄїwhat a blaze of light did the accounts of the Caesarian section, and of the towering geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast upon this hypothesis? Here you see, he would say, there was no injury done to the sensorium;вБ†вАФno pressure of the head against the pelvis;вБ†вЄЇвБ†no propulsion of the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, either by the os pubis on this side, or the os coxygis on that;вБ†вЄїand pray, what were the happy consequences? Why, Sir, your Julius Caesar, who gave the operation a name;вБ†вАФand your Hermes Trismegistus, who was born so before ever the operation had a name;вБ†вЄЇвБ†your Scipio Africanus; your Manlius Torquatus; our Edward the Sixth,вБ†вАФwho, had he lived, would have done the same honour to the hypothesis:вБ†вЄЇвБ†These, and many more who figured high in the annals of fame,вБ†вАФall came sideway, Sir, into the world. + 

The incision of the abdomen and uterus ran for six weeks together in my fatherвАЩs head;вБ†вЄЇвБ†he had read, and was satisfied, that wounds in the epigastrium, and those in the matrix, were not mortal;вБ†вАФso that the belly of the mother might be opened extremely well to give a passage to the child.вБ†вАФHe mentioned the thing one afternoon to my mother,вБ†вЄїmerely as a matter of fact; but seeing her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much as the operation flattered his hopes,вБ†вАФhe thought it as well to say no more of it,вБ†вЄЇвБ†contenting himself with admiring,вБ†вАФwhat he thought was to no purpose to propose. + 

This was my father Mr.¬†ShandyвАЩs hypothesis; concerning which I have only to add, that my brother Bobby did as great honour to it (whatever he did to the family) as any one of the great heroes we spoke of: For happening not only to be christened, as I told you, but to be born too, when my father was at Epsom,вБ†вЄЇвБ†being moreover my motherвАЩs first child,вБ†вАФcoming into the world with his head foremost,вБ†вАФand turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful slow parts,вБ†вЄЇвБ†my father spelt all these together into his opinion: and as he had failed at one end,вБ†вАФhe was determined to try the other. + 

This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood, who are not easily to be put out of their way,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and was therefore one of my fatherвАЩs great reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could better deal with. + 

Of all men in the world, Dr.¬†Slop was the fittest for my fatherвАЩs purpose;вБ†вЄЇвБ†for though this new-invented forceps was the armour he had proved, and what he maintained to be the safest instrument of deliverance, yet, it seems, he had scattered a word or two in his book, in favour of the very thing which ran in my fatherвАЩs fancy;вБ†вЄЇвБ†though not with a view to the soulвАЩs good in extracting by the feet, as was my fatherвАЩs system,вБ†вАФbut for reasons merely obstetrical. + 

This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr.¬†Slop, in the ensuing discourse, which went a little hard against my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†In what manner a plain man, with nothing but common sense, could bear up against two such allies in science,вБ†вАФis hard to conceive.вБ†вАФYou may conjecture upon it, if you please,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and whilst your imagination is in motion, you may encourage it to go on, and discover by what causes and effects in nature it could come to pass, that my uncle Toby got his modesty by the wound he received upon his groin.вБ†вАФYou may raise a system to account for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles,вБ†вАФand show the world how it could happen, that I should have the misfortune to be called Tristram, in opposition to my fatherвАЩs hypothesis, and the wish of the whole family, Godfathers and Godmothers not excepted.вБ†вАФThese, with fifty other points left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to solve if you have time;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but I tell you beforehand it will be in vain, for not the sage Alquife, the magician in Don Belianis of Greece, nor the no less famous Urganda, the sorceress his wife, (were they alive), could pretend to come within a league of the truth. + 

The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these matters till the next year,вБ†вЄЇвБ†when a series of things will be laid open which he little expects. + 