Book + 

IV + 

Slawkenbergii Fabella + 

Vespera qu√Ґdam frigidul√Ґ, posteriori in parte mensis Augusti, peregrinus, mulo fusco colore insidens, mantic√Ґ a tergo, paucis indusiis, binis calceis, braccisque sericis coccineis repleta, Argentoratum ingressus est. + 

Militi eum percontanti, quum portas intraret dixit, se apud Nasorum promontorium fuisse, Francofurtum proficisci, et Argentoratum, transitu ad fines Sarmatiae mensis intervallo, reversurum. + 

Miles peregrini in faciem suspexitвБ†вЄЇвБ†D√Ѓ boni, nova forma nasi! + 

At multum mihi profuit, inquit peregrinus, carpum amento extrahens, e quo pependit acinaces: Loculo manum inseruit; et magn√Ґ cum urbanitate, pilei parte anteriore tact√Ґ manu sinistr√Ґ, ut extendit dextram, militi florinum dedit et processit. + 

Dolet mihi, ait miles, tympanistam nanum et valgum alloquens, virum adeo urbanum vaginam perdidisse: itinerari haud poterit nud√Ґ acinaci; neque vaginam toto Argentorato, habilem inveniet.вБ†вЄїNullam unquam habui, respondit peregrinus respiciensвБ†вЄїseque comiter inclinansвБ†вАФhoc more gesto, nudam acinacem elevans, mulo lent√≤ progrediente, ut nasum tueri possim. + 

Non immerito, benigne peregrine, respondit miles. + 

Nihili aestimo, ait ille tympanista, e pergamen√Ґ factitius est. + 

Prout christianus sum, inquit miles, nasus ille, ni sexties major sit, meo esset conformis. + 

Crepitare audivi ait tympanista. + 

Mehercule! sanguinem emisit, respondit miles. + 

Miseret me, inquit tympanista, qui non ambo tetigimus! + 

Eodem temporis puncto, quo haec res argumentata fuit inter militem et tympanistam, disceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore su√Ґ qui tunc accesserunt, et peregrino praetereunte, restiterunt. + 

Quantus nasus! aeque longus est, ait tubicina, ac tuba. + 

Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut sternutamento audias. + 

Tantum abest, respondit illa, quod fistulam dulcedine vincit. + 

Aeneus est, ait tubicen. + 

Nequaquam, respondit uxor. + 

Rursum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod aeneus est. + 

Rem penitus explorabo; prius, enim digito tangam, ait uxor, quam dormivero. + 

Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est, ut unumquodque verbum controversiae, non tantum inter militem et tympanistam, verum etiam inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret. + 

Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum fraena demittens, et manibus ambabus in pectus positis, (mulo lent√® progrediente) nequaquam, ait ille respiciens, non necesse est ut res isthaec dilucidata foret. Minime gentium! meus nasus nunquam tangetur, dum spiritus hos reget artusвБ†вАФAd quid agendum? ait uxor burgomagistri. + 

Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum faciebat tunc temporis sancto Nicolao; quo facto, in sinum dextrum inserens, e qu√Ґ negligenter pependit acinaces, lento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam quae ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit. + 

Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi, et manticam inferri jussit: qu√Ґ apert√Ґ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum argenteo laciniato ќ†ќµѕБќєќґѕОќЉќ±ѕДќ±, his sese induit, statimque, acinaci in manu, ad forum deambulavit. + 

Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus, uxorem tubicinis obviam euntem aspicit; illico cursum flectit, metuens ne nasus suus exploraretur, atque ad diversorium regressus estвБ†вАФexuit se vestibus; braccas coccineas sericas manticae imposuit mulumque educi jussit. + 

Francofurtum proficiscor, ait ille, et Argentoratum quatuor abhinc hebdomadis revertar. + 

Bene curasti hoc jumentum? (ait) muli faciem manu demulcensвБ†вАФme, manticamque mean, plus sexcentis mille passibus portavit. + 

Longa via est! respondet hospes, nisi plurimum esset negoti.вБ†вАФEnimvero, ait peregrinus, a Nasorum promontorio redii, et nasum speciosissimum, egregiosissimumque quem unquam quisquam sortitus est, acquisivi. + 

Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem de seipso reddit, hospes et uxor ejus, oculis intentis, peregrini nasum contemplanturвБ†вЄЇвБ†Per sanctos sanctasque omnes, ait hospitis uxor, nasis duodecim maximis in toto Argentorato major est!вБ†вАФestne, ait illa mariti in aurem insusurrans, nonne est nasus praegrandis? + 

Dolus inest, anime m√Ѓ, ait hospesвБ†вАФnasus est falsus. + 

Verus est, respondit uxorвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Ex abiete factus est, ait ille, terebinthinum oletвБ†вЄї + 

Carbunculus inest, ait uxor. + 

Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes. + 

Vivus est ait illa,вБ†вАФet si ipsa vivam tangam. + 

Votum feci sancto Nicolao, ait peregrinus, nasum meum intactum fore usque adвБ†вАФQuodnam tempus? illico respondit illa. + 

Minimo tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in pectus compositis) usque ad illam horamвБ†вЄїQuam horam? ait illaвБ†вЄїNullam, respondit peregrinus, donec pervenio adвБ†вАФQuem locum,вБ†вАФobsecro? ait illaвБ†вЄЇвБ†Peregrinus nil respondens mulo conscenso discessit. + 

SlawkenbergiusвАЩs Tale + 

It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry day, in the latter end of the month of August, when a stranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and a crimson-sattin pair of breeches, entered the town of Strasburg. + 

He told the sentinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates, that he had been at the Promontory of NosesвБ†вАФwas going on to FrankfortвБ†вЄЇвБ†and should be back again at Strasburg that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim Tartary. + 

The sentinel looked up into the strangerвАЩs faceвБ†вЄЇвБ†he never saw such a Nose in his life! + 

вАФI have made a very good venture of it, quoth the strangerвБ†вАФso slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon, to which a short scymetar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtesy touching the fore part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his rightвБ†вЄЇвБ†he put a florin into the sentinelвАЩs hand, and passed on. + 

It grieves me, said the sentinel, speaking to a little dwarfish bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbardвБ†вЄїhe cannot travel without one to his scymetar, and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all Strasburg.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never had one, replied the stranger, looking back to the sentinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as he spokeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I carry it, continued he, thusвБ†вЄЇвБ†holding up his naked scymetar, his mule moving on slowly all the timeвБ†вАФon purpose to defend my nose. + 

It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the sentinel. + 

вЄЇвАЩTis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-leggвАЩd drummerвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a nose of parchment. + 

As I am a true catholicвБ†вАФexcept that it is six times as bigвБ†вАФвАЩtis a nose, said the sentinel, like my own. + 

вАФI heard it crackle, said the drummer. + 

By dunder, said the sentinel, I saw it bleed. + 

What a pity, cried the bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, we did not both touch it! + 

At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the sentinel and the drummerвБ†вАФwas the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeterвАЩs wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to see the stranger pass by. + 

Benedicity!вБ†вЄїWhat a nose! вАЩtis as long, said the trumpeterвАЩs wife, as a trumpet. + 

And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its sneezing. + 

вАЩTis as soft as a flute, said she. + 

вАФвАЩTis brass, said the trumpeter. + 

вАФвАЩTis a puddingвАЩs end, said his wife. + 

I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, вАЩtis a brazen nose. + 

IвАЩll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeterвАЩs wife, for I will touch it with my finger before I sleep. + 

The strangerвАЩs mule moved on at so slow a rate, that he heard every word of the dispute, not only betwixt the sentinel and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and trumpeterвАЩs wife. + 

No! said he, dropping his reins upon his muleвАЩs neck, and laying both his hands upon his breast, the one over the other, in a saintlike position (his mule going on easily all the time) No! said he, looking upвБ†вАФI am not such a debtor to the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†slandered and disappointed as I have beenвБ†вАФas to give it that convictionвБ†вЄЇвБ†no! said he, my nose shall never be touched whilst Heaven gives me strengthвБ†вЄЇвБ†To do what? said a burgomasterвАЩs wife. + 

The stranger took no notice of the burgomasterвАЩs wifeвБ†вЄїhe was making a vow to Saint Nicolas; which done, having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which he crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his scymetar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on, as slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, throвАЩ the principal streets of Strasburg, till chance brought him to the great inn in the marketplace over against the church. + 

The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the stable, and his cloak-bag to be brought in; then opening, and taking out of it his crimson-sattin breeches, with a silver-fringedвБ†вАФ(appendage to them, which I dare not translate)вБ†вАФhe put his breeches, with his fringed codpiece on, and forthwith, with his short scymetar in his hand, walked out on to the grand parade. + 

The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade, when he perceived the trumpeterвАЩs wife at the opposite side of itвБ†вАФso turning short, in pain lest his nose should be attempted, he instantly went back to his innвБ†вАФundressed himself, packed up his crimson-sattin breeches, etc., in his cloak-bag, and called for his mule. + 

I am going forwards, said the stranger, for FrankfortвБ†вЄЇвБ†and shall be back at Strasburg this day month. + 

I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of his mule with his left hand as he was going to mount it, that you have been kind to this faithful slave of mineвБ†вАФit has carried me and my cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the muleвАЩs back, above six hundred leagues. + 

вЄЇвАЩTis a long journey, Sir, replied the master of the innвБ†вЄЇвБ†unless a man has great business.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tut! tut! said the stranger, I have been at the Promontory of Noses; and have got me one of the goodliest, thank Heaven, that ever fell to a single manвАЩs lot. + 

Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself, the master of the inn and his wife kept both their eyes fixed full upon the strangerвАЩs noseвБ†вЄЇвБ†By saint Radagunda, said the innkeeperвАЩs wife to herself, there is more of it than in any dozen of the largest noses put together in all Strasburg! is it not, said she, whispering her husband in his ear, is it not a noble nose? + 

вАЩTis an imposture, my dear, said the master of the innвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a false nose. + 

вАЩTis a true nose, said his wife. + 

вАЩTis made of fir-tree, said he, I smell the turpentine.вБ†вЄї + 

ThereвАЩs a pimple on it, said she. + 

вАЩTis a dead nose, replied the innkeeper. + 

вАЩTis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the innkeeperвАЩs wife, I will touch it. + 

I have made a vow to saint Nicolas this day, said the stranger, that my nose shall not be touched tillвБ†вАФHere the stranger, suspending his voice, looked up.вБ†вЄїTill when? said she hastily. + 

It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and bringing them close to his breast, till that hourвБ†вАФWhat hour? cried the innkeeperвАЩs wife.вБ†вАФNever!вБ†вАФnever! said the stranger, never till I am gotвБ†вАФFor HeavenвАЩs sake, into what place? said sheвБ†вЄїThe stranger rode away without saying a word. + 

The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfort before all the city of Strasburg was in an uproar about his nose. The Compline bells were just ringing to call the Strasburgers to their devotions, and shut up the duties of the day in prayer:вБ†вАФno soul in all Strasburg heard вАЩemвБ†вАФthe city was like a swarm of beesвБ†вЄїmen, women, and children (the Compline bells tinkling all the time) flying here and thereвБ†вАФin at one door, out at anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†this way and that wayвБ†вАФlong ways and cross waysвБ†вАФup one street, down another streetвБ†вЄЇвБ†in at this alley, out of thatвБ†вЄїdid you see it? did you see it? did you see it? O! did you see it?вБ†вЄїwho saw it? who did see it? for mercyвАЩs sake, who saw it? + 

Alack oвАЩday! I was at vespers!вБ†вАФI was washing, I was starching, I was scouring, I was quiltingвБ†вЄЇвБ†God help me! I never saw itвБ†вЄЇвБ†I never touchвАЩd it!вБ†вЄЇвБ†would I had been a sentinel, a bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, a trumpeter, a trumpeterвАЩs wife, was the general cry and lamentation in every street and corner of Strasburg. + 

Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great city of Strasburg, was the courteous stranger going on as gently upon his mule in his way to Frankfort, as if he had no concern at all in the affairвБ†вЄїtalking all the way he rode in broken sentences, sometimes to his muleвБ†вАФsometimes to himselfвБ†вАФsometimes to his Julia. + 

O Julia, my lovely Julia!вБ†вАФnay, I cannot stop to let thee bite that thistleвБ†вЄЇвБ†that ever the suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tasting it.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†Pugh!вБ†вАФвАЩtis nothing but a thistleвБ†вАФnever mind itвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou shalt have a better supper at night. + 

вЄЇвБ†BanishвАЩd from my countryвБ†вЄЇвБ†my friendsвБ†вЄЇвБ†from thee.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Poor devil, thouвАЩrt sadly tired with thy journey!вБ†вЄЇвБ†comeвБ†вАФget on a little fasterвБ†вАФthereвАЩs nothing in my cloak-bag but two shirtsвБ†вЄЇвБ†a crimson-sattin pair of breeches, and a fringedвБ†вЄЇвБ†Dear Julia. + 

вЄЇвБ†But why to FrankfortвБ†вАФis it that there is a hand unfelt, which secretly is conducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracts? + 

вЄЇвБ†Stumbling! by saint Nicolas! every stepвБ†вАФwhy, at this rate we shall be all night in getting inвБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†To happinessвБ†вЄЇвБ†or am I to be the sport of fortune and slanderвБ†вАФdestined to be driven forth unconvictedвБ†вЄЇвБ†unheardвБ†вЄЇвБ†untouchвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†if so, why did I not stay at Strasburg, where justiceвБ†вАФbut I had sworn! Come, thou shalt drinkвБ†вАФto St.¬†NicolasвБ†вАФO Julia!вБ†вЄїWhat dost thou prick up thy ears at?вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis nothing but a man, etc. + 

The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and JuliaвБ†вАФtill he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as he arrived, he alightedвБ†вЄїsaw his mule, as he had promised it, taken good care ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†took off his cloak-bag, with his crimson-sattin breeches, etc., in itвБ†вАФcalled for an omelet to his supper, went to his bed about twelve oвАЩclock, and in five minutes fell fast asleep. + 

It was about the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg being abated for that night,вБ†вАФthe Strasburgers had all got quietly into their bedsвБ†вАФbut not like the stranger, for the rest either of their minds or bodies; queen Mab, like an elf as she was, had taken the strangerвАЩs nose, and without reduction of its bulk, had that night been at the pains of slitting and dividing it into as many noses of different cuts and fashions, as there were heads in Strasburg to hold them. The abbess of Quedlingberg, who with the four great dignitaries of her chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the sub-chantress, and senior canoness, had that week come to Strasburg to consult the university upon a case of conscience relating to their placket-holesвБ†вЄїwas ill all the night. + 

The courteous strangerвАЩs nose had got perched upon the top of the pineal gland of her brain, and made such rousing work in the fancies of the four great dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of sleep the whole night throвАЩ for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†there was no keeping a limb still amongst themвБ†вЄЇвБ†in short, they got up like so many ghosts. + 

The penitentiaries of the third order of saint FrancisвБ†вЄЇвБ†the nuns of mount CalvaryвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Pr√¶monstratensesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the CluniensesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Carthusians, and all the severer orders of nuns who lay that night in blankets or haircloth, were still in a worse condition than the abbess of QuedlingbergвБ†вАФby tumbling and tossing, and tossing and tumbling from one side of their beds to the other the whole night longвБ†вЄЇвБ†the several sisterhoods had scratchвАЩd and maulвАЩd themselves all to deathвБ†вЄЇвБ†they got out of their beds almost flayвАЩd aliveвБ†вАФeverybody thought saint Antony had visited them for probation with his fireвБ†вЄЇвБ†they had never once, in short, shut their eyes the whole night long from vespers to matins. + 

The nuns of saint Ursula acted the wisestвБ†вАФthey never attempted to go to bed at all. + 

The dean of Strasburg, the prebendaries, the capitulars and domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case of butterвАЩd buns) all wished they had followed the nuns of saint UrsulaвАЩs example.вБ†вЄї + 

In the hurry and confusion everything had been in the night before, the bakers had all forgot to lay their leavenвБ†вАФthere were no butterвАЩd buns to be had for breakfast in all StrasburgвБ†вАФthe whole close of the cathedral was in one eternal commotionвБ†вЄЇвБ†such a cause of restlessness and disquietude, and such a zealous inquiry into the cause of that restlessness, had never happened in Strasburg, since Martin Luther, with his doctrines, had turned the city upside down. + 

If the strangerвАЩs nose took this liberty of thrusting himself thus into the dishes of religious orders, etc., what a carnival did his nose make of it, in those of the laity!вБ†вАФвАЩtis more than my pen, worn to the stump as it is, has power to describe; though I acknowledge, (cries Slawkenbergius, with more gaiety of thought than I could have expected from him) that there is many a good simile now subsisting in the world which might give my countrymen some idea of it; but at the close of such a folio as this, wrote for their sakes, and in which I have spent the greatest part of my lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†though I own to them the simile is in being, yet would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either time or inclination to search for it? Let it suffice to say, that the riot and disorder it occasioned in the StrasburgersвАЩ fantasies was so generalвБ†вАФsuch an overpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties of the StrasburgersвАЩ mindsвБ†вАФso many strange things, with equal confidence on all sides, and with equal eloquence in all places, were spoken and sworn to concerning it, that turned the whole stream of all discourse and wonder towards itвБ†вАФevery soul, good and badвБ†вАФrich and poorвБ†вАФlearned and unlearnedвБ†вЄЇвБ†doctor and studentвБ†вЄЇвБ†mistress and maidвБ†вЄЇвБ†gentle and simpleвБ†вЄЇвБ†nunвАЩs flesh and womanвАЩs flesh, in Strasburg spent their time in hearing tidings about itвБ†вАФevery eye in Strasburg languished to see itвБ†вЄЇвБ†every fingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†every thumb in Strasburg burned to touch it. + 

Now what might add, if anything may be thought necessary to add, to so vehement a desireвБ†вАФwas this, that the sentinel, the bandy-leggвАЩd drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeterвАЩs wife, the burgomasterвАЩs widow, the master of the inn, and the master of the innвАЩs wife, how widely soever they all differed every one from another in their testimonies and description of the strangerвАЩs noseвБ†вАФthey all agreed together in two pointsвБ†вАФnamely, that he was gone to Frankfort, and would not return to Strasburg till that day month; and secondly, whether his nose was true or false, that the stranger himself was one of the most perfect paragons of beautyвБ†вАФthe finest-made manвБ†вАФthe most genteel!вБ†вАФthe most generous of his purseвБ†вАФthe most courteous in his carriage that had ever entered the gates of StrasburgвБ†вАФthat as he rode, with scymetar slung loosely to his wrist, throвАЩ the streetsвБ†вАФand walked with his crimson-sattin breeches across the paradeвБ†вАФвАЩtwas with so sweet an air of careless modesty, and so manly withalвБ†вЄЇвБ†as would have put the heart in jeopardy (had his nose not stood in his way) of every virgin who had cast her eyes upon him. + 

I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and yearnings of curiosity, so excited, to justify the abbess of Quedlingberg, the prioress, the deaness, and sub-chantress, for sending at noonday for the trumpeterвАЩs wife: she went through the streets of Strasburg with her husbandвАЩs trumpet in her hand,вБ†вЄЇвБ†the best apparatus the straitness of the time would allow her, for the illustration of her theoryвБ†вАФshe stayed no longer than three days. + 

The sentinel and bandy-leggвАЩd drummer!вБ†вЄЇвБ†nothing on this side of old Athens could equal them! they read their lectures under the city-gates to comers and goers, with all the pomp of a Chrysippus and a Crantor in their porticos. + 

The master of the inn, with his ostler on his left-hand, read his also in the same stileвБ†вАФunder the portico or gateway of his stable-yardвБ†вАФhis wife, hers more privately in a back room: all flocked to their lectures; not promiscuouslyвБ†вАФbut to this or that, as is ever the way, as faith and credulity marshalвАЩd themвБ†вЄЇвБ†in a word, each Strasburger came crouding for intelligenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and every Strasburger had the intelligence he wanted. + 

вАЩTis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonstrators in natural philosophy, etc., that as soon as the trumpeterвАЩs wife had finished the abbess of QuedlingbergвАЩs private lecture, and had begun to read in public, which she did upon a stool in the middle of the great parade,вБ†вЄЇвБ†she incommoded the other demonstrators mainly, by gaining incontinently the most fashionable part of the city of Strasburg for her auditoryвБ†вЄЇвБ†But when a demonstrator in philosophy (cries Slawkenbergius) has a trumpet for an apparatus, pray what rival in science can pretend to be heard besides him? + 

Whilst the unlearned, throвАЩ these conduits of intelligence, were all busied in getting down to the bottom of the well, where Truth keeps her little courtвБ†вЄїwere the learned in their way as busy in pumping her up throвАЩ the conduits of dialect inductionвБ†вЄЇвБ†they concerned themselves not with factsвБ†вЄїthey reasonedвБ†вЄї + 

Not one profession had thrown more light upon this subject than the FacultyвБ†вАФhad not all their disputes about it run into the affair of Wens and ≈Уdematous swellings, they could not keep clear of them for their bloods and soulsвБ†вЄїthe strangerвАЩs nose had nothing to do either with wens or ≈Уdematous swellings. + 

It was demonstrated however very satisfactorily, that such a ponderous mass of heterogeneous matter could not be congested and conglomerated to the nose, whilst the infant was in Utero, without destroying the statical balance of the f≈Уtus, and throwing it plump upon its head nine months before the time.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†The opponents granted the theoryвБ†вЄЇвБ†they denied the consequences. + 

And if a suitable provision of veins, arteries, etc., said they, was not laid in, for the due nourishment of such a nose, in the very first stamina and rudiments of its formation, before it came into the world (bating the case of Wens) it could not regularly grow and be sustained afterwards. + 

This was all answered by a dissertation upon nutriment, and the effect which nutriment had in extending the vessels, and in the increase and prolongation of the muscular parts of the greatest growth and expansion imaginableвБ†вАФIn the triumph of which theory, they went so far as to affirm, that there was no cause in nature, why a nose might not grow to the size of the man himself. + 

The respondents satisfied the world this event could never happen to them so long as a man had but one stomach and one pair of lungsвБ†вЄЇвБ†For the stomach, said they, being the only organ destined for the reception of food, and turning it into chyleвБ†вАФand the lungs the only engine of sanguificationвБ†вАФit could possibly work off no more, than what the appetite brought it: or admitting the possibility of a manвАЩs overloading his stomach, nature had set bounds however to his lungsвБ†вАФthe engine was of a determined size and strength, and could elaborate but a certain quantity in a given timeвБ†вЄїthat is, it could produce just as much blood as was sufficient for one single man, and no more; so that, if there was as much nose as manвБ†вЄЇвБ†they proved a mortification must necessarily ensue; and forasmuch as there could not be a support for both, that the nose must either fall off from the man, or the man inevitably fall off from his nose. + 

Nature accommodates herself to these emergencies, cried the opponentsвБ†вАФelse what do you say to the case of a whole stomachвБ†вАФa whole pair of lungs, and but half a man, when both his legs have been unfortunately shot off? + 

He dies of a plethora, said theyвБ†вАФor must spit blood, and in a fortnight or three weeks go off in a consumption.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†It happens otherwiseвБ†вАФreplied the opponents.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

It ought not, said they. + 

The more curious and intimate inquirers after nature and her doings, though they went hand in hand a good way together, yet they all divided about the nose at last, almost as much as the Faculty itself. + 

They amicably laid it down, that there was a just and geometrical arrangement and proportion of the several parts of the human frame to its several destinations, offices, and functions which could not be transgressed but within certain limitsвБ†вАФthat nature, though she sportedвБ†вЄЇвБ†she sported within a certain circle;вБ†вАФand they could not agree about the diameter of it. + 

The logicians stuck much closer to the point before them than any of the classes of the literati;вБ†вЄїthey began and ended with the word Nose; and had it not been for a petitio principii, which one of the ablest of them ran his head against in the beginning of the combat, the whole controversy had been settled at once. + 

A nose, argued the logician, cannot bleed without bloodвБ†вАФand not only bloodвБ†вАФbut blood circulating in it to supply the ph√¶nomenon with a succession of dropsвБ†вАФ(a stream being but a quicker succession of drops, that is included, said he).вБ†вЄЇвБ†Now death, continued the logician, being nothing but the stagnation of the bloodвБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

I deny the definitionвБ†вЄЇвБ†Death is the separation of the soul from the body, said his antagonistвБ†вЄЇвБ†Then we donвАЩt agree about our weapons, said the logicianвБ†вАФThen there is an end of the dispute, replied the antagonist. + 

The civilians were still more concise: what they offered being more in the nature of a decreeвБ†вЄЇвБ†than a dispute. + 

Such a monstrous nose, said they, had it been a true nose, could not possibly have been suffered in civil societyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if falseвБ†вАФto impose upon society with such false signs and tokens, was a still greater violation of its rights, and must have had still less mercy shown it. + 

The only objection to this was, that if it proved anything, it proved the strangerвАЩs nose was neither true nor false. + 

This left room for the controversy to go on. It was maintained by the advocates of the ecclesiastic court, that there was nothing to inhibit a decree, since the stranger ex mero motu had confessed he had been at the Promontory of Noses, and had got one of the goodliest, etc. etc.вБ†вЄїTo this it was answered, it was impossible there should be such a place as the Promontory of Noses, and the learned be ignorant where it lay. The commissary of the bishop of Strasburg undertook the advocates, explained this matter in a treatise upon proverbial phrases, showing them, that the Promontory of Noses was a mere allegorick expression, importing no more than that nature had given him a long nose: in proof of which, with great learning, he cited the underwritten authorities, which had decided the point incontestably, had it not appeared that a dispute about some franchises of dean and chapter-lands had been determined by it nineteen years before. + 

It happenedвБ†вЄЇвБ†I must not say unluckily for Truth, because they were giving her a lift another way in so doing; that the two universities of StrasburgвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Lutheran, founded in the year 1538 by Jacobus Surmis, counsellor of the senate,вБ†вЄЇвБ†and the Popish, founded by Leopold, archduke of Austria, were, during all this time, employing the whole depth of their knowledge (except just what the affair of the abbess of QuedlingbergвАЩs placket-holes required)вБ†вЄЇвБ†in determining the point of Martin LutherвАЩs damnation. + 

The Popish doctors had undertaken to demonstrate √† priori, that from the necessary influence of the planets on the twenty-second day of October 1483вБ†вЄїwhen the moon was in the twelfth house, Jupiter, Mars, and Venus in the third, the Sun, Saturn, and Mercury, all got together in the fourthвБ†вАФthat he must in course, and unavoidably, be a damnвАЩd manвБ†вАФand that his doctrines, by a direct corollary, must be damnвАЩd doctrines too. + 

By inspection into his horoscope, where five planets were in coition all at once with Scorpio (in reading this my father would always shake his head) in the ninth house, which the Arabians allotted to religionвБ†вАФit appeared that Martin Luther did not care one stiver about the matterвБ†вЄїand that from the horoscope directed to the conjunction of MarsвБ†вАФthey made it plain likewise he must die cursing and blasphemingвБ†вЄЇвБ†with the blast of which his soul (being steepвАЩd in guilt) sailed before the wind, in the lake of hellfire. + 

The little objection of the Lutheran doctors to this, was, that it must certainly be the soul of another man, born Oct. 22, 83, which was forced to sail down before the wind in that mannerвБ†вАФinasmuch as it appeared from the register of Islaben in the county of Mansfelt, that Luther was not born in the year 1483, but in 84; and not on the 22nd day of October, but on the 10th of November, the eve of Martinmas day, from whence he had the name of Martin. + 

[вБ†вЄЇвБ†I must break off my translation for a moment; for if I did not, I know I should no more be able to shut my eyes in bed, than the abbess of QuedlingbergвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is to tell the reader, that my father never read this passage of Slawkenbergius to my uncle Toby, but with triumphвБ†вЄїnot over my uncle Toby, for he never opposed him in itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but over the whole world. + 

вАФNow you see, brother Toby, he would say, looking up, вАЬthat christian names are not such indifferent things;вАЭвБ†вЄїhad Luther here been called by any other name but Martin, he would have been damnвАЩd to all eternityвБ†вЄїNot that I look upon Martin, he would add, as a good nameвБ†вЄЇвБ†far from itвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis something better than a neutral, and but a littleвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet little as it is, you see it was of some service to him. + 

My father knew the weakness of this prop to his hypothesis, as well as the best logician could show himвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet so strange is the weakness of man at the same time, as it fell in his way, he could not for his life but make use of it; and it was certainly for this reason, that though there are many stories in Hafen SlawkenbergiusвАЩs Decads full as entertaining as this I am translating, yet there is not one amongst them which my father read over with half the delightвБ†вЄїit flattered two of his strangest hypotheses togetherвБ†вЄЇвБ†his Names and his Noses.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I will be bold to say, he might have read all the books in the Alexandrian Library, had not fate taken other care of them, and not have met with a book or passage in one, which hit two such nails as these upon the head at one stroke.] + 

The two universities of Strasburg were hard tugging at this affair of LutherвАЩs navigation. The Protestant doctors had demonstrated, that he had not sailed right before the wind, as the Popish doctors had pretended; and as everyone knew there was no sailing full in the teeth of itвБ†вАФthey were going to settle, in case he had sailed, how many points he was off; whether Martin had doubled the cape, or had fallen upon a lee-shore; and no doubt, as it was an enquiry of much edification, at least to those who understood this sort of navigation, they had gone on with it in spite of the size of the strangerвАЩs nose, had not the size of the strangerвАЩs nose drawn off the attention of the world from what they were aboutвБ†вЄЇвБ†it was their business to follow. + 

The abbess of Quedlingberg and her four dignitaries was no stop; for the enormity of the strangerвАЩs nose running full as much in their fancies as their case of conscienceвБ†вЄЇвБ†the affair of their placket-holes kept coldвБ†вАФin a word, the printers were ordered to distribute their typesвБ†вЄЇвБ†all controversies droppвАЩd. + 

вАЩTwas a square cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of itвБ†вАФto a nutshellвБ†вАФto have guessed on which side of the nose the two universities would split. + 

вАЩTis above reason, cried the doctors on one side. + 

вАЩTis below reason, cried the others. + 

вАЩTis faith, cried one. + 

вАЩTis a fiddlestick, said the other. + 

вАЩTis possible, cried the one. + 

вАЩTis impossible, said the other. + 

GodвАЩs power is infinite, cried the Nosarians, he can do anything. + 

He can do nothing, replied the Antinosarians, which implies contradictions. + 

He can make matter think, said the Nosarians. + 

As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sowвАЩs ear, replied the Antinosarians. + 

He cannot make two and two five, replied the Popish doctors.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis false, said their other opponents.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Infinite power is infinite power, said the doctors who maintained the reality of the nose.вБ†вАФIt extends only to all possible things, replied the Lutherans. + 

By God in heaven, cried the Popish doctors, he can make a nose, if he thinks fit, as big as the steeple of Strasburg. + 

Now the steeple of Strasburg being the biggest and the tallest church-steeple to be seen in the whole world, the Antinosarians denied that a nose of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn, at least by a middle-sizвАЩd manвБ†вЄЇвБ†The Popish doctors swore it couldвБ†вАФThe Lutheran doctors said No;вБ†вАФit could not. + 

This at once started a new dispute, which they pursued a great way, upon the extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of GodвБ†вАФThat controversy led them naturally into Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas Aquinas to the devil. + 

The strangerвАЩs nose was no more heard of in the disputeвБ†вАФit just served as a frigate to launch them into the gulf of school-divinityвБ†вЄЇвБ†and then they all sailed before the wind. + 

Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge. + 

The controversy about the attributes, etc., instead of cooling, on the contrary had inflamed the StrasburgersвАЩ imaginations to a most inordinate degreeвБ†вЄЇвБ†The less they understood of the matter, the greater was their wonder about itвБ†вАФthey were left in all the distresses of desire unsatisfiedвБ†вЄЇвБ†saw their doctors, the Parchmentarians, the Brassarians, the Turpentarians, on one sideвБ†вАФthe Popish doctors on the other, like Pantagruel and his companions in quest of the oracle of the bottle, all embarked out of sight. + 

вЄЇвБ†The poor Strasburgers left upon the beach! + 

вЄЇвБ†What was to be done?вБ†вАФNo delayвБ†вАФthe uproar increasedвБ†вЄЇвБ†everyone in disorderвБ†вЄЇвБ†the city gates set open.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Unfortunate Strasburgers! was there in the storehouse of natureвБ†вЄїwas there in the lumber-rooms of learningвБ†вЄїwas there in the great arsenal of chance, one single engine left undrawn forth to torture your curiosities, and stretch your desires, which was not pointed by the hand of Fate to play upon your hearts?вБ†вЄЇвБ†I dip not my pen into my ink to excuse the surrender of yourselvesвБ†вАФвАЩtis to write your panegyrick. Show me a city so macerated with expectationвБ†вЄЇвБ†who neither eat, or drank, or slept, or prayed, or hearkened to the calls either of religion or nature for seven-and-twenty days together, who could have held out one day longer. + 

On the twenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised to return to Strasburg. + 

Seven thousand coaches (Slawkenbergius must certainly have made some mistake in his numerical characters) 7,000 coachesвБ†вЄЇвБ†15,000 single-horse chairsвБ†вАФ20,000 wagons, crowded as full as they could all hold with senators, counsellors, syndicksвБ†вАФbeguines, widows, wives, virgins, canons, concubines, all in their coachesвБ†вАФThe abbess of Quedlingberg, with the prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress, leading the procession in one coach, and the dean of Strasburg, with the four great dignitaries of his chapter, on her left-handвБ†вАФthe rest following higglety-pigglety as they could; some on horsebackвБ†вЄЇвБ†some on footвБ†вЄЇвБ†some ledвБ†вЄЇвБ†some drivenвБ†вЄЇвБ†some down the RhineвБ†вЄЇвБ†some this wayвБ†вЄЇвБ†some thatвБ†вЄЇвБ†all set out at sunrise to meet the courteous stranger on the road. + 

Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my taleвБ†вЄїI say Catastrophe (cries Slawkenbergius) inasmuch as a tale, with parts rightly disposed, not only rejoiceth (gaudet) in the Catastrophe and Peripetia of a Drama, but rejoiceth moreover in all the essential and integrant parts of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it has its Protasis, Epitasis, Catastasis, its Catastrophe or Peripetia growing one out of the other in it, in the order Aristotle first planted themвБ†вЄЇвБ†without which a tale had better never be told at all, says Slawkenbergius, but be kept to a manвАЩs self. + 

In all my ten tales, in all my ten decads, have I Slawkenbergius tied down every tale of them as tightly to this rule, as I have done this of the stranger and his nose. + 

вЄЇвБ†From his first parley with the sentinel, to his leaving the city of Strasburg, after pulling off his crimson-sattin pair of breeches, is the Protasis or first entranceвБ†вЄЇвБ†where the characters of the Person√¶ Dramatis are just touched in, and the subject slightly begun. + 

The Epitasis, wherein the action is more fully entered upon and heightened, till it arrives at its state or height called the Catastasis, and which usually takes up the 2nd and 3rd act, is included within that busy period of my tale, betwixt the first nightвАЩs uproar about the nose, to the conclusion of the trumpeterвАЩs wifeвАЩs lectures upon it in the middle of the grand parade: and from the first embarking of the learned in the disputeвБ†вАФto the doctors finally sailing away, and leaving the Strasburgers upon the beach in distress, is the Catastasis or the ripening of the incidents and passions for their bursting forth in the fifth act. + 

This commences with the setting out of the Strasburgers in the Frankfort road, and terminates in unwinding the labyrinth and bringing the hero out of a state of agitation (as¬†Aristotle calls it) to a state of rest and quietness. + 

This, says Hafen Slawkenbergius, constitutes the Catastrophe or Peripetia of my taleвБ†вАФand that is the part of it I am going to relate. + 

We left the stranger behind the curtain asleepвБ†вЄЇвБ†he enters now upon the stage. + 

вАФWhat dost thou prick up thy ears at?вБ†вАФвАЩtis nothing but a man upon a horseвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the last word the stranger uttered to his mule. It was not proper then to tell the reader, that the mule took his masterвАЩs word for it; and without any more ifs or ands, let the traveller and his horse pass by. + 

The traveller was hastening with all diligence to get to Strasburg that night. What a fool am I, said the traveller to himself, when he had rode about a league farther, to think of getting into Strasburg this night.вБ†вАФStrasburg!вБ†вЄЇвБ†the great Strasburg!вБ†вЄЇвБ†Strasburg, the capital of all Alsatia! Strasburg, an imperial city! Strasburg, a sovereign state! Strasburg, garrisoned with five thousand of the best troops in all the world!вБ†вАФAlas! if I was at the gates of Strasburg this moment, I could not gain admittance into it for a ducatвБ†вАФnay a ducat and halfвБ†вАФвАЩtis too muchвБ†вЄЇвБ†better go back to the last inn I have passedвБ†вЄЇвБ†than lie I know not whereвБ†вЄЇвБ†or give I know not what. The traveller, as he made these reflections in his mind, turned his horseвАЩs head about, and three minutes after the stranger had been conducted into his chamber, he arrived at the same inn. + 

вЄїWe have bacon in the house, said the host, and breadвБ†вЄїand till eleven oвАЩclock this night had three eggs in itвБ†вЄЇвБ†but a stranger, who arrived an hour ago, has had them dressed into an omelet, and we have nothing.вБ†вЄї + 

Alas! said the traveller, harassed as I am, I want nothing but a bed.вБ†вЄїI have one as soft as is in Alsatia, said the host. + 

вЄЇвБ†The stranger, continued he, should have slept in it, for вАЩtis my best bed, but upon the score of his nose.вБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†He has got a defluxion, said the traveller.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Not that I know, cried the host.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But вАЩtis a camp-bed, and Jacinta, said he, looking towards the maid, imagined there was not room in it to turn his nose in.вБ†вЄїWhy so? cried the traveller, starting back.вБ†вАФIt is so long a nose, replied the host.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The traveller fixed his eyes upon Jacinta, then upon the groundвБ†вАФkneeled upon his right kneeвБ†вАФhad just got his hand laid upon his breastвБ†вЄїTrifle not with my anxiety, said he, rising up again.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis no trifle, said Jacinta, вАЩtis the most glorious nose!вБ†вЄЇвБ†The traveller fell upon his knee againвБ†вАФlaid his hand upon his breastвБ†вАФthen, said he, looking up to heaven, thou hast conducted me to the end of my pilgrimage.вБ†вАФвАЩTis Diego. + 

The traveller was the brother of the Julia, so often invoked that night by the stranger as he rode from Strasburg upon his mule; and was come, on her part, in quest of him. He had accompanied his sister from Valadolid across the Pyrenean mountains through France, and had many an entangled skein to wind off in pursuit of him through the many meanders and abrupt turnings of a loverвАЩs thorny tracks. + 

вЄЇвБ†Julia had sunk under itвБ†вЄїand had not been able to go a step farther than to Lyons, where, with the many disquietudes of a tender heart, which all talk ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†but few feelвБ†вАФshe sickenвАЩd, but had just strength to write a letter to Diego; and having conjured her brother never to see her face till he had found him out, and put the letter into his hands, Julia took to her bed. + 

Fernandez (for that was her brotherвАЩs name)вБ†вЄЇвБ†though the camp-bed was as soft as any one in Alsace, yet he could not shut his eyes in it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†As soon as it was day he rose, and hearing Diego was risen too, he entered his chamber, and discharged his sisterвАЩs commission. + 

The letter was as follows: + 

вАЬSeig. Diego, + 

вАЬWhether my suspicions of your nose were justly excited or notвБ†вЄївАЩtis not now to inquireвБ†вАФit is enough I have not had firmness to put them to farther tryal. + 

вАЬHow could I know so little of myself, when I sent my Duenna to forbid your coming more under my lattice? or how could I know so little of you, Diego, as to imagine you would not have stayed one day in Valadolid to have given ease to my doubts?вБ†вАФWas I to be abandoned, Diego, because I was deceived? or was it kind to take me at my word, whether my suspicions were just or no, and leave me, as you did, a prey to much uncertainty and sorrow? + 

вАЬIn what manner Julia has resented thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†my brother, when he puts this letter into your hands, will tell you; He will tell you in how few moments she repented of the rash message she had sent youвБ†вЄЇвБ†in what frantic haste she flew to her lattice, and how many days and nights together she leaned immoveably upon her elbow, looking through it towards the way which Diego was wont to come. + 

вАЬHe will tell you, when she heard of your departureвБ†вАФhow her spirits deserted herвБ†вЄЇвБ†how her heart sickenвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†how piteously she mournedвБ†вЄЇвБ†how low she hung her head. O¬†Diego! how many weary steps has my brotherвАЩs pity led me by the hand languishing to trace out yours; how far has desire carried me beyond strengthвБ†вЄЇвБ†and how oft have I fainted by the way, and sunk into his arms, with only power to cry outвБ†вАФO my Diego! + 

вАЬIf the gentleness of your carriage has not belied your heart, you will fly to me, almost as fast as you fled from meвБ†вАФhaste as you willвБ†вЄЇвБ†you will arrive but to see me expire.вБ†вЄївАЩTis a bitter draught, Diego, but oh! вАЩtis embitterвАЩd still more by dying unвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвАЭ + 

She could proceed no farther. + 

Slawkenbergius supposes the word intended was unconvinced, but her strength would not enable her to finish her letter. + 

The heart of the courteous Diego overflowed as he read the letterвБ†вЄїhe ordered his mule forthwith and FernandezвАЩs horse to be saddled; and as no vent in prose is equal to that of poetry in such conflictsвБ†вЄЇвБ†chance, which as often directs us to remedies as to diseases, having thrown a piece of charcoal into the windowвБ†вЄЇвБ†Diego availed himself of it, and whilst the hostler was getting ready his mule, he eased his mind against the wall as follows. + 

Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love, + 

Unless my Julia strikes the key, + 

Her hand alone can touch the part, + 

Whose dulcet move- + 

ment charms the heart, + 

And governs all the man with sympathetick sway. + 

O Julia! + 

The lines were very naturalвБ†вЄЇвБ†for they were nothing at all to the purpose, says Slawkenbergius, and вАЩtis a pity there were no more of them; but whether it was that Seig. Diego was slow in composing versesвБ†вАФor the hostler quick in saddling mulesвБ†вЄЇвБ†is not averred; certain it was, that DiegoвАЩs mule and FernandezвАЩs horse were ready at the door of the inn, before Diego was ready for his second stanza; so without staying to finish his ode, they both mounted, sallied forth, passed the Rhine, traversed Alsace, shaped their course towards Lyons, and before the Strasburgers and the abbess of Quedlingberg had set out on their cavalcade, had Fernandez, Diego, and his Julia, crossed the Pyrenean mountains, and got safe to Valadolid. + 

вАЩTis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when Diego was in Spain, it was not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the Frankfort road; it is enough to say, that of all restless desires, curiosity being the strongestвБ†вЄЇвБ†the Strasburgers felt the full force of it; and that for three days and nights they were tossed to and fro in the Frankfort road, with the tempestuous fury of this passion, before they could submit to return home.вБ†вЄЇвБ†When alas! an event was prepared for them, of all other, the most grievous that could befall a free people. + 

As this revolution of the StrasburgersвАЩ affairs is often spoken of, and little understood, I will, in ten words, says Slawkenbergius, give the world an explanation of it, and with it put an end to my tale. + 

Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by order of Mons. Colbert, and put in manuscript into the hands of Lewis the fourteenth, in the year 1664. + 

вАЩTis as well known, that one branch out of many of that system, was the getting possession of Strasburg, to favour an entrance at all times into Suabia, in order to disturb the quiet of GermanyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that in consequence of this plan, Strasburg unhappily fell at length into their hands. + 

It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and suchlike revolutionsвБ†вАФThe vulgar look too high for themвБ†вАФStatesmen look too lowвБ†вЄЇвБ†Truth (for once) lies in the middle. + 

What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries one historianвБ†вАФThe Strasburgers deemed it a diminution of their freedom to receive an imperial garrisonвБ†вЄЇвБ†so fell a prey to a French one. + 

The fate, says another, of the Strasburgers, may be a warning to all free people to save their money.вБ†вЄїThey anticipated their revenuesвБ†вЄЇвБ†brought themselves under taxes, exhausted their strength, and in the end became so weak a people, they had not strength to keep their gates shut, and so the French pushed them open. + 

Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, вАЩtwas not the French,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas curiosity pushed them openвБ†вЄїThe French indeed, who are ever upon the catch, when they saw the Strasburgers, men, women, and children, all marched out to follow the strangerвАЩs noseвБ†вЄЇвБ†each man followed his own, and marched in. + 

Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever sinceвБ†вАФbut not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned; for it is owing to this only, that Noses have ever so run in their heads, that the Strasburgers could not follow their business. + 

Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, making an exclamationвБ†вАФit is not the firstвБ†вЄЇвБ†and I fear will not be the last fortress that has been either wonвБ†вЄЇвБ†or lost by Noses. + 

The end of + 

SlawkenbergiusвАЩs + 

Tale + 

I + 

With all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my fatherвАЩs fancyвБ†вЄЇвБ†with so many family prejudicesвБ†вАФand ten decads of such tales running on for ever along with themвБ†вЄЇвБ†how was it possible with such exquisiteвБ†вЄЇвБ†was it a true nose?вБ†вЄЇвБ†That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father had, could bear the shock at all below stairsвБ†вЄЇвБ†or indeed above stairs, in any other posture, but the very posture I have described? + 

вЄЇвБ†Throw yourself down upon the bed, a dozen timesвБ†вЄЇвБ†taking care only to place a looking-glass first in a chair on one side of it, before you do itвБ†вАФBut was the strangerвАЩs nose a true nose, or was it a false one? + 

To tell that beforehand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth decad, which immediately follows this. + 

This tale, cried Slawkenbergius, somewhat exultingly, has been reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work; knowing right well, that when I shall have told it, and my reader shall have read it throвАЩвБ†вАФвАЩtwould be even high time for both of us to shut up the book; inasmuch, continues Slawkenbergius, as I know of no tale which could possibly ever go down after it. + 

вАЩTis a tale indeed! + 

This sets out with the first interview in the inn at Lyons, when Fernandez left the courteous stranger and his sister Julia alone in her chamber, and is overwritten + 

Heavens! thou art a strange creature, Slawkenbergius! what a whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened! how this can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of SlawkenbergiusвАЩs tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral, should please the worldвБ†вАФtranslated shall a couple of volumes be.вБ†вЄїElse, how this can ever be translated into good English, I have no sort of conception.вБ†вАФThere seems in some passages to want a sixth sense to do it rightly.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What can he mean by the lambent pupilability of slow, low, dry chat, five notes below the natural toneвБ†вЄЇвБ†which you know, madam, is little more than a whisper? The moment I pronounced the words, I could perceive an attempt towards a vibration in the strings, about the region of the heart.вБ†вЄїThe brain made no acknowledgment.вБ†вЄЇвБ†ThereвАЩs often no good understanding betwixt вАЩemвБ†вАФI felt as if I understood it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I had no ideas.вБ†вЄЇвБ†The movement could not be without cause.вБ†вАФIвАЩm lost. I can make nothing of itвБ†вАФunless, may it please your worships, the voice, in that case being little more than a whisper, unavoidably forces the eyes to approach not only within six inches of each otherвБ†вАФbut to look into the pupilsвБ†вАФis not that dangerous?вБ†вЄЇвБ†But it canвАЩt be avoidedвБ†вАФfor to look up to the ceiling, in that case the two chins unavoidably meetвБ†вЄЇвБ†and to look down into each otherвАЩs lap, the foreheads come to immediate contact, which at once puts an end to the conferenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†I mean to the sentimental part of it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What is left, madam, is not worth stooping for. + 

II + 

My father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death had pushed him down, for a full hour and a half before he began to play upon the floor with the toe of that foot which hung over the bedside; my uncle TobyвАЩs heart was a pound lighter for it.вБ†вЄїIn a few moments, his left-hand, the knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon the handle of the chamberpot, came to its feelingвБ†вАФhe thrust it a little more within the valanceвБ†вАФdrew up his hand, when he had done, into his bosomвБ†вАФgave a hem! My good uncle Toby, with infinite pleasure, answered it; and full gladly would have ingrafted a sentence of consolation upon the opening it afforded: but having no talents, as I said, that way, and fearing moreover that he might set out with something which might make a bad matter worse, he contented himself with resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch. + 

Now whether the compression shortened my uncle TobyвАЩs face into a more pleasurable ovalвБ†вАФor that the philanthropy of his heart, in seeing his brother beginning to emerge out of the sea of his afflictions, had braced up his musclesвБ†вЄЇвБ†so that the compression upon his chin only doubled the benignity which was there before, is not hard to decide.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father, in turning his eyes, was struck with such a gleam of sunshine in his face, as melted down the sullenness of his grief in a moment. + 

He broke silence as follows. + 

III + 

Did ever man, brother Toby, cried my father, raising himself upon his elbow, and turning himself round to the opposite side of the bed, where my uncle Toby was sitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin resting upon his crutchвБ†вЄЇвБ†did ever a poor unfortunate man, brother Toby, cried my father, receive so many lashes?вБ†вЄЇвБ†The most I ever saw given, quoth my uncle Toby (ringing the bell at the bedвАЩs head for Trim) was to a grenadier, I think in MackayвАЩs regiment. + 

вЄїHad my uncle Toby shot a bullet through my fatherвАЩs heart, he could not have fallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly. + 

Bless me! said my uncle Toby. + 

IV + 

Was it MackayвАЩs regiment, quoth my uncle Toby, where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully whippвАЩd at Bruges about the ducats?вБ†вАФO Christ! he was innocent! cried Trim, with a deep sigh.вБ†вАФAnd he was whippвАЩd, may it please your honour, almost to deathвАЩs door.вБ†вАФThey had better have shot him outright, as he beggвАЩd, and he had gone directly to heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour.вБ†вЄїI thank thee, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I never think of his, continued Trim, and my poor brother TomвАЩs misfortunes, for we were all three schoolfellows, but I cry like a coward.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Tears are no proof of cowardice, Trim.вБ†вАФI drop them ofttimes myself, cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I know your honour does, replied Trim, and so am not ashamed of it myself.вБ†вАФBut to think, may it please your honour, continued Trim, a tear stealing into the corner of his eye as he spokeвБ†вАФto think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies, and as honest as God could make themвБ†вАФthe children of honest people, going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes in the worldвБ†вАФand fall into such evils!вБ†вАФpoor Tom! to be tortured upon a rack for nothingвБ†вАФbut marrying a JewвАЩs widow who sold sausagesвБ†вАФhonest Dick JohnsonвАЩs soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put into his knapsack!вБ†вАФO!вБ†вАФthese are misfortunes, cried Trim,вБ†вАФpulling out his handkerchiefвБ†вАФthese are misfortunes, may it please your honour, worth lying down and crying over. + 

вАФMy father could not help blushing. + 

вАЩTwould be a pity, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, thou shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy ownвБ†вАФthou feelest it so tenderly for others.вБ†вАФAlack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his faceвБ†вЄїyour honour knows I have neither wife or childвБ†вЄЇвБ†I can have no sorrows in this world.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father could not help smiling.вБ†вАФAs few as any man, Trim, replied my uncle Toby; nor can I see how a fellow of thy light heart can suffer, but from the distress of poverty in thy old ageвБ†вАФwhen thou art passed all services, TrimвБ†вАФand hast outlived thy friends.вБ†вЄЇвБ†AnвАЩ please your honour, never fear, replied Trim, cheerily.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But I would have thee never fear, Trim, replied my uncle Toby, and therefore, continued my uncle Toby, throwing down his crutch, and getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word thereforeвБ†вАФin recompence, Trim, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodness of thy heart I have had such proofs ofвБ†вАФwhilst thy master is worth a shillingвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou shalt never ask elsewhere, Trim, for a penny. Trim attempted to thank my uncle TobyвБ†вАФbut had not powerвБ†вЄЇвБ†tears trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them offвБ†вАФHe laid his hands upon his breastвБ†вЄЇвБ†made a bow to the ground, and shut the door. + 

вЄЇвБ†I have left Trim my bowling-green, cried my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father smiled.вБ†вЄїI have left him moreover a pension, continued my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My father looked grave. + 

V + 

Is this a fit time, said my father to himself, to talk of pensions and grenadiers? + 

VI + 

When my uncle Toby first mentioned the grenadier, my father, I said, fell down with his nose flat to the quilt, and as suddenly as if my uncle Toby had shot him; but it was not added that every other limb and member of my father instantly relapsed with his nose into the same precise attitude in which he lay first described; so that when corporal Trim left the room, and my father found himself disposed to rise off the bedвБ†вАФhe had all the little preparatory movements to run over again, before he could do it. Attitudes are nothing, madamвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis the transition from one attitude to anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†like the preparation and resolution of the discord into harmony, which is all in all. + 

For which reason my father played the same jig over again with his toe upon the floorвБ†вЄЇвБ†pushed the chamberpot still a little farther within the valanceвБ†вАФgave a hemвБ†вАФraised himself up upon his elbowвБ†вАФand was just beginning to address himself to my uncle TobyвБ†вАФwhen recollecting the unsuccessfulness of his first effort in that attitudeвБ†вЄЇвБ†he got upon his legs, and in making the third turn across the room, he stopped short before my uncle Toby: and laying the three first fingers of his right-hand in the palm of his left, and stooping a little, he addressed himself to my uncle Toby as follows: + 

VII + 

When I reflect, brother Toby, upon man; and take a view of that dark side of him which represents his life as open to so many causes of troubleвБ†вАФwhen I consider, brother Toby, how oft we eat the bread of affliction, and that we are born to it, as to the portion of our inheritanceвБ†вЄїI was born to nothing, quoth my uncle Toby, interrupting my fatherвБ†вАФbut my commission. Zooks! said my father, did not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year?вБ†вЄїWhat could I have done without it? replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄїThatвАЩs another concern, said my father testilyвБ†вАФBut I say, Toby, when one runs over the catalogue of all the cross-reckonings and sorrowful Items with which the heart of man is overcharged, вАЩtis wonderful by what hidden resources the mind is enabled to stand out, and bear itself up, as it does, against the impositions laid upon our nature.вБ†вЄївАЩTis by the assistance of Almighty God, cried my uncle Toby, looking up, and pressing the palms of his hands close togetherвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis not from our own strength, brother ShandyвБ†вЄЇвБ†a sentinel in a wooden centry-box might as well pretend to stand it out against a detachment of fifty men.вБ†вЄЇвБ†We are upheld by the grace and the assistance of the best of Beings. + 

вЄЇвБ†That is cutting the knot, said my father, instead of untying it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But give me leave to lead you, brother Toby, a little deeper into the mystery. + 

With all my heart, replied my uncle Toby. + 

My father instantly exchanged the attitude he was in, for that in which Socrates is so finely painted by Raffael in his school of Athens; which your connoisseurship knows is so exquisitely imagined, that even the particular manner of the reasoning of Socrates is expressed by itвБ†вАФfor he holds the forefinger of his left hand between the forefinger and the thumb of his right, and seems as if he was saying to the libertine he is reclaimingвБ†вЄївАЬYou grant me thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†and this: and this, and this, I donвАЩt ask of youвБ†вАФthey follow of themselves in course.вАЭ + 

So stood my father, holding fast his forefinger betwixt his finger and his thumb, and reasoning with my uncle Toby as he sat in his old fringed chair, valanced around with particoloured worsted bobsвБ†вЄЇвБ†O Garrick!вБ†вАФwhat a rich scene of this would thy exquisite powers make! and how gladly would I write such another to avail myself of thy immortality, and secure my own behind it. + 

VIII + 

Though man is of all others the most curious vehicle, said my father, yet at the same time вАЩtis of so slight a frame, and so totteringly put together, that the sudden jerks and hard jostlings it unavoidably meets with in this rugged journey, would overset and tear it to pieces a dozen times a dayвБ†вЄЇвБ†was it not, brother Toby, that there is a secret spring within us.вБ†вАФWhich spring, said my uncle Toby, I take to be Religion.вБ†вАФWill that set my childвАЩs nose on? cried my father, letting go his finger, and striking one hand against the other.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It makes everything straight for us, answered my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Figuratively speaking, dear Toby, it may, for aught I know, said my father; but the spring I am speaking of, is that great and elastic power within us of counterbalancing evil, which, like a secret spring in a well-ordered machine, though it canвАЩt prevent the shockвБ†вЄЇвБ†at least it imposes upon our sense of it. + 

Now, my dear brother, said my father, replacing his forefinger, as he was coming closer to the pointвБ†вЄЇвБ†had my child arrived safe into the world, unmartyrвАЩd in that precious part of himвБ†вАФfanciful and extravagant as I may appear to the world in my opinion of christian names, and of that magic bias which good or bad names irresistibly impress upon our characters and conductsвБ†вАФHeaven is witness! that in the warmest transports of my wishes for the prosperity of my child, I never once wished to crown his head with more glory and honour than what George or Edward would have spread around it. + 

But alas! continued my father, as the greatest evil has befallen himвБ†вЄЇвБ†I must counteract and undo it with the greatest good. + 

He shall be christened Trismegistus, brother. + 

I wish it may answerвБ†вЄЇвБ†replied my uncle Toby, rising up. + 

IX + 

What a chapter of chances, said my father, turning himself about upon the first landing, as he and my uncle Toby were going downstairsвБ†вАФwhat a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us! Take pen and ink in hand, brother Toby, and calculate it fairlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I know no more of calculation than this balluster, said my uncle Toby (striking short of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a desperate blow souse upon his shinbone)вБ†вЄЇвАЩTwas a hundred to oneвБ†вАФcried my uncle TobyвБ†вАФI thought, quoth my father (rubbing his shin), you had known nothing of calculations, brother Toby. вАЩTis a mere chance, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄїThen it adds one to the chapterвБ†вЄЇвБ†replied my father. + 

The double success of my fatherвАЩs repartees tickled off the pain of his shin at onceвБ†вАФit was well it so fell outвБ†вАФ(chance! again)вБ†вАФor the world to this day had never known the subject of my fatherвАЩs calculationвБ†вЄЇвБ†to guess itвБ†вАФthere was no chanceвБ†вЄЇвБ†What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out! for it has saved me the trouble of writing one express, and in truth I have enough already upon my hands without it.вБ†вАФHave not I promised the world a chapter of knots? two chapters upon the right and the wrong end of a woman? a chapter upon whiskers? a chapter upon wishes?вБ†вЄЇвБ†a chapter of noses?вБ†вАФNo, I have done thatвБ†вАФa chapter upon my uncle TobyвАЩs modesty? to say nothing of a chapter upon chapters, which I will finish before I sleepвБ†вАФby my great-grandfatherвАЩs whiskers, I shall never get half of вАЩem through this year. + 

Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother Toby, said my father, and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to fall upon and break down that one part, which should break down the fortunes of our house with it. + 

It might have been worse, replied my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I donвАЩt comprehend, said my father.вБ†вЄїSuppose the hip had presented, replied my uncle Toby, as Dr.¬†Slop foreboded. + 

My father reflected half a minuteвБ†вАФlooked downвБ†вЄЇвБ†touched the middle of his forehead slightly with his fingerвБ†вЄї + 

вАФTrue, said he. + 

X + 

Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down one pair of stairs? for we are got no farther yet than to the first landing, and there are fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father and my uncle Toby are in a talking humour, there may be as many chapters as steps:вБ†вЄЇвБ†let that be as it will, Sir, I can no more help it than my destiny:вБ†вАФA sudden impulse comes across meвБ†вЄЇвБ†drop the curtain, ShandyвБ†вЄЇвБ†I drop itвБ†вАФStrike a line here across the paper, TristramвБ†вАФI strike itвБ†вАФand hey for a new chapter. + 

The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this affairвБ†вАФand if I had oneвБ†вАФas I do all things out of all ruleвБ†вАФI would twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when I had doneвБ†вАФAm I warm? I am, and the cause demands itвБ†вЄЇвБ†a pretty story! is a man to follow rulesвБ†вЄїor rules to follow him? + 

Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I promised to write before I went to sleep, I thought it meet to ease my conscience entirely before I laid down, by telling the world all I knew about the matter at once: Is not this ten times better than to set out dogmatically with a sententious parade of wisdom, and telling the world a story of a roasted horseвБ†вЄЇвБ†that chapters relieve the mindвБ†вАФthat they assistвБ†вАФor impose upon the imaginationвБ†вАФand that in a work of this dramatic cast they are as necessary as the shifting of scenesвБ†вЄЇвБ†with fifty other cold conceits, enough to extinguish the fire which roasted him?вБ†вАФO! but to understand this, which is a puff at the fire of DianaвАЩs templeвБ†вАФyou must read LonginusвБ†вАФread awayвБ†вАФif you are not a jot the wiser by reading him the first time overвБ†вАФnever fearвБ†вАФread him againвБ†вАФAvicenna and Licetus read AristotleвАЩs metaphysicks forty times through apiece, and never understood a single word.вБ†вАФBut mark the consequenceвБ†вАФAvicenna turned out a desperate writer at all kinds of writingвБ†вАФfor he wrote books de omni scribili; and for Licetus (Fortunio) though all the world knows he was born a f≈Уtus, of no more than five inches and a half in length, yet he grew to that astonishing height in literature, as to write a book with a title as long as himselfвБ†вЄїthe learned know I mean his Gonopsychanthropologia, upon the origin of the human soul. + 

So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to be the best chapter in my whole work; and take my word, whoever reads it, is full as well employed, as in picking straws. + 

XI + 

We shall bring all things to rights, said my father, setting his foot upon the first step from the landing.вБ†вАФThis Trismegistus, continued my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the greatest (Toby) of all earthly beingsвБ†вАФhe was the greatest kingвБ†вЄЇвБ†the greatest lawgiverвБ†вЄЇвБ†the greatest philosopherвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the greatest priestвБ†вЄЇвБ†and engineerвБ†вАФsaid my uncle Toby. + 

вЄїIn course, said my father. + 

XII + 

вАФAnd how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to Susannah, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her handвБ†вАФhow does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected.вБ†вАФWhat a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg back againвБ†вАФlet things be as they will, brother Toby, вАЩtis ever the precise answerвБ†вЄЇвБ†And how is the child, pray?вБ†вЄЇвБ†No answer. And where is Dr.¬†Slop? added my father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the ballustersвБ†вАФSusannah was out of hearing. + 

Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state,вБ†вЄЇвБ†of which you may trust me, brother Toby, there are more asses loads than all JobвАЩs stock of asses could have carriedвБ†вЄЇвБ†there is not one that has more intricacies in it than thisвБ†вАФthat from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my ladyвАЩs gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together. + 

I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that вАЩtis we who sink an inch lower.вБ†вАФIf I meet but a woman with childвБ†вАФI do it.вБ†вАФвАЩTis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФвАЩTis a piteous burden upon вАЩem, continued he, shaking his headвБ†вАФYes, yes, вАЩtis a painful thingвБ†вАФsaid my father, shaking his head tooвБ†вЄЇвБ†but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs. + 

God bless + 

Deuce take + 

} + 

вАЩem allвБ†вЄїsaid my uncle Toby and my father, each to himself. + 

XIII + 

Holla!вБ†вЄЇвБ†you, chairman!вБ†вЄЇвБ†hereвАЩs sixpenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†do step into that booksellerвАЩs shop, and call me a day-tall critick. I am very willing to give any one of вАЩem a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs, and to put them to bed. + 

вАФвАЩTis even high time; for except a short nap, which they both got whilst Trim was boring the jackbootsвБ†вАФand which, by the by, did my father no sort of good, upon the score of the bad hingeвБ†вАФthey have not else shut their eyes, since nine hours before the time that Dr.¬†Slop was led into the back parlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah. + 

Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as thisвБ†вАФand to take upвБ†вАФTruce. + 

I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the strange state of affairs between the reader and myself, just as things stand at presentвБ†вАФan observation never applicable before to any one biographical writer since the creation of the world, but to myselfвБ†вАФand I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its final destructionвБ†вАФand therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it must be worth your worships attending to. + 

I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelvemonth; and having got, as you perceive, almost into the middle of my fourth volumeвБ†вАФand no farther than to my first dayвАЩs lifeвБ†вАФвАЩtis demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-four days more life to write just now, than when I first set out; so that instead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work with what I have been doing at itвБ†вАФon the contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes backвБ†вАФwas every day of my life to be as busy a day as thisвБ†вАФAnd why not?вБ†вЄЇвБ†and the transactions and opinions of it to take up as much descriptionвБ†вАФAnd for what reason should they be cut short? as at this rate I should just live 364 times faster than I should writeвБ†вАФIt must follow, anвАЩ please your worships, that the more I write, the more I shall have to writeвБ†вАФand consequently, the more your worships read, the more your worships will have to read. + 

Will this be good for your worshipsвАЩ eyes? + 

It will do well for mine; and, was it not that my Opinions will be the death of me, I perceive I shall lead a fine life of it out of this selfsame life of mine; or, in other words, shall lead a couple of fine lives together. + 

As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year, or a volume a month, it no way alters my prospectвБ†вАФwrite as I will, and rush as I may into the middle of things, as Horace advisesвБ†вАФI shall never overtake myself whippвАЩd and driven to the last pinch; at the worst I shall have one day the start of my penвБ†вАФand one day is enough for two volumesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and two volumes will be enough for one year.вБ†вАФ + 

Heaven prosper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious reign, which is now opened to usвБ†вЄЇвБ†as I trust its providence will prosper everything else in it that is taken in hand.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

As for the propagation of GeeseвБ†вАФI give myself no concernвБ†вАФNature is all bountifulвБ†вАФI shall never want tools to work with. + 

вАФSo then, friend! you have got my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs, and seen them to bed?вБ†вЄїAnd how did you manage it?вБ†вЄЇвБ†You droppвАЩd a curtain at the stair-footвБ†вАФI thought you had no other way for itвБ†вЄїHereвАЩs a crown for your trouble. + 

XIV + 

вАФThen reach me my breeches off the chair, said my father to Susannah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There is not a momentвАЩs time to dress you, Sir, cried SusannahвБ†вАФthe child is as black in the face as myвБ†вЄЇвБ†As your what? said my father, for like all orators, he was a dear searcher into comparisons.вБ†вАФBless me, Sir, said Susannah, the childвАЩs in a fit.вБ†вАФAnd whereвАЩs Mr.¬†Yorick?вБ†вАФNever where he should be, said Susannah, but his curateвАЩs in the dressing-room, with the child upon his arm, waiting for the nameвБ†вАФand my mistress bid me run as fast as I could to know, as captain Shandy is the godfather, whether it should not be called after him. + 

Were one sure, said my father to himself, scratching his eyebrow, that the child was expiring, one might as well compliment my brother Toby as notвБ†вАФand it would be a pity, in such a case, to throw away so great a name as Trismegistus upon himвБ†вЄЇвБ†but he may recover. + 

No, no,вБ†вЄЇвБ†said my father to Susannah, IвАЩll get upвБ†вЄїThere is no time, cried Susannah, the childвАЩs as black as my shoe. Trismegistus, said my fatherвБ†вЄїBut stayвБ†вАФthou art a leaky vessel, Susannah, added my father; canst thou carry Trismegistus in thy head, the length of the gallery without scattering?вБ†вЄїCan I? cried Susannah, shutting the door in a huff.вБ†вЄЇвБ†If she can, IвАЩll be shot, said my father, bouncing out of bed in the dark, and groping for his breeches. + 

Susannah ran with all speed along the gallery. + 

My father made all possible speed to find his breeches. + 

Susannah got the start, and kept itвБ†вАФвАЩTis TrisвБ†вАФsomething, cried SusannahвБ†вАФThere is no christian-name in the world, said the curate, beginning with TrisвБ†вАФbut Tristram. Then вАЩtis Tristram-gistus, quoth Susannah. + 

вЄЇвБ†There is no gistus to it, noodle!вБ†вАФвАЩtis my own name, replied the curate, dipping his hand, as he spoke, into the basonвБ†вАФTristram! said he, etc. etc. etc. etc., so Tristram was I called, and Tristram shall I be to the day of my death. + 

My father followed Susannah, with his nightgown across his arm, with nothing more than his breeches on, fastened through haste with but a single button, and that button through haste thrust only half into the buttonhole. + 

вЄЇвБ†She has not forgot the name? cried my father, half opening the door.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No, no, said the curate, with a tone of intelligence.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And the child is better, cried Susannah.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And how does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, as can be expected.вБ†вАФPish! said my father, the button of his breeches slipping out of the buttonholeвБ†вАФSo that whether the interjection was levelled at Susannah, or the buttonholeвБ†вАФwhether Pish was an interjection of contempt or an interjection of modesty, is a doubt, and must be a doubt till I shall have time to write the three following favourite chapters, that is, my chapter of chambermaids, my chapter of pishes, and my chapter of buttonholes. + 

All the light I am able to give the reader at present is this, that the moment my father cried Pish! he whiskвАЩd himself aboutвБ†вАФand with his breeches held up by one hand, and his nightgown thrown across the arm of the other, he turned along the gallery to bed, something slower than he came. + 

XV + 

I wish I could write a chapter upon sleep. + 

A fitter occasion could never have presented itself, than what this moment offers, when all the curtains of the family are drawnвБ†вАФthe candles put outвБ†вАФand no creatureвАЩs eyes are open but a single one, for the other has been shut these twenty years, of my motherвАЩs nurse. + 

It is a fine subject! + 

And yet, as fine as it is, I would undertake to write a dozen chapters upon buttonholes, both quicker and with more fame, than a single chapter upon this. + 

Buttonholes! there is something lively in the very idea of вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†and trust me, when I get amongst вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†You gentry with great beardsвБ†вЄЇвБ†look as grave as you willвБ†вЄїIвАЩll make merry work with my buttonholesвБ†вАФI shall have вАЩem all to myselfвБ†вАФвАЩtis a maiden subjectвБ†вАФI shall run foul of no manвАЩs wisdom or fine sayings in it. + 

But for sleepвБ†вЄЇвБ†I know I shall make nothing of it before I beginвБ†вАФI am no dab at your fine sayings in the first placeвБ†вАФand in the next, I cannot for my soul set a grave face upon a bad matter, and tell the worldвБ†вАФвАЩtis the refuge of the unfortunateвБ†вАФthe enfranchisement of the prisonerвБ†вАФthe downy lap of the hopeless, the weary, and the brokenhearted; nor could I set out with a lye in my mouth, by affirming, that of all the soft and delicious functions of our nature, by which the great Author of it, in his bounty, has been pleased to recompense the sufferings wherewith his justice and his good pleasure has wearied usвБ†вЄЇвБ†that this is the chiefest (I know pleasures worth ten of it); or what a happiness it is to man, when the anxieties and passions of the day are over, and he lies down upon his back, that his soul shall be so seated within him, that whichever way she turns her eyes, the heavens shall look calm and sweet above herвБ†вАФno desireвБ†вАФor fearвБ†вАФor doubt that troubles the air, nor any difficulty past, present, or to come, that the imagination may not pass over without offence, in that sweet secession. + 

вАЬGodвАЩs blessing,вАЭ said Sancho Pan√Іa, вАЬbe upon the man who first invented this selfsame thing called sleepвБ†вАФit covers a man all over like a cloak.вАЭ Now there is more to me in this, and it speaks warmer to my heart and affections, than all the dissertations squeezвАЩd out of the heads of the learned together upon the subject. + 

вАФNot that I altogether disapprove of what Montaigne advances upon itвБ†вАФвАЩtis admirable in its wayвБ†вАФ(I quote by memory). + 

The world enjoys other pleasures, says he, as they do that of sleep, without tasting or feeling it as it slips and passes by.вБ†вАФWe should study and ruminate upon it, in order to render proper thanks to him who grants it to us.вБ†вАФFor this end I cause myself to be disturbed in my sleep, that I may the better and more sensibly relish it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And yet I see few, says he again, who live with less sleep, when need requires; my body is capable of a firm, but not of a violent and sudden agitationвБ†вАФI evade of late all violent exercisesвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am never weary with walkingвБ†вЄЇвБ†but from my youth, I never liked to ride upon pavements. I love to lie hard and alone, and even without my wifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†This last word may stagger the faith of the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†but remember, вАЬLa Vraisemblance (as¬†Bayle says in the affair of Liceti) nвАЩest pas toujours du C√іt√© de la Verit√©.вАЭ And so much for sleep. + 

XVI + 

If my wife will but venture himвБ†вАФbrother Toby, Trismegistus shall be dressвАЩd and brought down to us, whilst you and I are getting our breakfasts together.вБ†вЄї + 

вЄЇвБ†Go, tell Susannah, Obadiah, to step here. + 

She is run upstairs, answered Obadiah, this very instant, sobbing and crying, and wringing her hands as if her heart would break. + 

We shall have a rare month of it, said my father, turning his head from Obadiah, and looking wistfully in my uncle TobyвАЩs face for some timeвБ†вАФwe shall have a devilish month of it, brother Toby, said my father, setting his arms akimbo, and shaking his head; fire, water, women, windвБ†вАФbrother Toby!вБ†вАФвАЩTis some misfortune, quoth my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄЇвБ†That it is, cried my fatherвБ†вАФto have so many jarring elements breaking loose, and riding triumph in every corner of a gentlemanвАЩs houseвБ†вАФLittle boots it to the peace of a family, brother Toby, that you and I possess ourselves, and sit here silent and unmovedвБ†вЄЇвБ†whilst such a storm is whistling over our heads.вБ†вЄї + 

And whatвАЩs the matter, Susannah? They have called the child TristramвБ†вЄЇвБ†and my mistress is just got out of an hysterick fit about itвБ†вЄЇвБ†NoвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis not my fault, said SusannahвБ†вАФI told him it was Tristram-gistus. + 

вЄЇвБ†Make tea for yourself, brother Toby, said my father, taking down his hatвБ†вЄЇвБ†but how different from the sallies and agitations of voice and members which a common reader would imagine! + 

вАФFor he spake in the sweetest modulationвБ†вАФand took down his hat with the genteelest movement of limbs, that ever affliction harmonized and attuned together. + 

вЄЇвБ†Go to the bowling-green for corporal Trim, said my uncle Toby, speaking to Obadiah, as soon as my father left the room. + 

XVII + 

When the misfortune of my Nose fell so heavily upon my fatherвАЩs head;вБ†вАФthe reader remembers that he walked instantly upstairs, and cast himself down upon his bed; and from hence, unless he has a great insight into human nature, he will be apt to expect a rotation of the same ascending and descending movements from him, upon his misfortune of my Name;вБ†вЄЇвБ†no. + 

The different weight, dear SirвБ†вЄЇвБ†nay even the different package of two vexations of the same weightвБ†вЄЇвБ†makes a very wide difference in our manner of bearing and getting through with them.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It is not half an hour ago, when (in the great hurry and precipitation of a poor devilвАЩs writing for daily bread) I threw a fair sheet, which I had just finished, and carefully wrote out, slap into the fire, instead of the foul one. + 

Instantly I snatchвАЩd off my wig, and threw it perpendicularly, with all imaginable violence, up to the top of the roomвБ†вАФindeed I caught it as it fellвБ†вЄЇвБ†but there was an end of the matter; nor do I think anything else in Nature would have given such immediate ease: She, dear Goddess, by an instantaneous impulse, in all provoking cases, determines us to a sally of this or that memberвБ†вАФor else she thrusts us into this or that place or posture of body, we know not whyвБ†вЄЇвБ†But mark, madam, we live amongst riddles and mysteriesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the most obvious things, which come in our way, have dark sides, which the quickest sight cannot penetrate into; and even the clearest and most exalted understandings amongst us find ourselves puzzled and at a loss in almost every cranny of natureвАЩs works: so that this, like a thousand other things, falls out for us in a way, which though we cannot reason upon itвБ†вАФyet we find the good of it, may it please your reverences and your worshipsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and thatвАЩs enough for us. + 

Now, my father could not lie down with this affliction for his lifeвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor could he carry it upstairs like the otherвБ†вАФhe walked composedly out with it to the fishpond. + 

Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, and reasoned an hour which way to have goneвБ†вЄїreason, with all her force, could not have directed him to anything like it: there is something, Sir, in fishpondsвБ†вЄЇвБ†but what it is, I leave to system-builders and fishpond-diggers betwixt вАЩem to find outвБ†вАФbut there is something, under the first disorderly transport of the humours, so unaccountably becalming in an orderly and a sober walk towards one of them, that I have often wondered that neither Pythagoras, nor Plato, nor Solon, nor Lycurgus, nor Muhammad, nor any one of your noted lawgivers, ever gave order about them. + 

XVIII + 

Your honour, said Trim, shutting the parlour-door before he began to speak, has heard, I imagine, of this unlucky accidentвБ†вЄЇвБ†O yes, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and it gives me great concern.вБ†вАФI am heartily concerned too, but I hope your honour, replied Trim, will do me the justice to believe, that it was not in the least owing to me.вБ†вЄЇвБ†To theeвБ†вАФTrim?вБ†вАФcried my uncle Toby, looking kindly in his faceвБ†вЄївАЩtwas SusannahвАЩs and the curateвАЩs folly betwixt them.вБ†вЄїWhat business could they have together, anвАЩ please your honour, in the garden?вБ†вЄЇвБ†In the gallery thou meanest, replied my uncle Toby. + 

Trim found he was upon a wrong scent, and stopped short with a low bowвБ†вЄЇвБ†Two misfortunes, quoth the corporal to himself, are twice as many at least as are needful to be talked over at one time;вБ†вЄЇвБ†the mischief the cow has done in breaking into the fortifications, may be told his honour hereafter.вБ†вЄЇвБ†TrimвАЩs casuistry and address, under the cover of his low bow, prevented all suspicion in my uncle Toby, so he went on with what he had to say to Trim as follows: + 

вЄїFor my own part, Trim, though I can see little or no difference betwixt my nephewвАЩs being called Tristram or TrismegistusвБ†вАФyet as the thing sits so near my brotherвАЩs heart, TrimвБ†вЄїI would freely have given a hundred pounds rather than it should have happened.вБ†вЄЇвБ†A hundred pounds, anвАЩ please your honour! replied Trim,вБ†вЄЇвБ†I would not give a cherrystone to boot.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Nor would I, Trim, upon my own account, quoth my uncle Toby,вБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†but my brother, whom there is no arguing with in this caseвБ†вАФmaintains that a great deal more depends, Trim, upon christian-names, than what ignorant people imagineвБ†вЄЇвБ†for he says there never was a great or heroic action performed since the world began by one called TristramвБ†вАФnay, he will have it, Trim, that a man can neither be learned, or wise, or brave.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis all fancy, anвАЩ please your honourвБ†вАФI fought just as well, replied the corporal, when the regiment called me Trim, as when they called me James Butler.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And for my own part, said my uncle Toby, though I should blush to boast of myself, TrimвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet had my name been Alexander, I could have done no more at Namur than my duty.вБ†вАФBless your honour! cried Trim, advancing three steps as he spoke, does a man think of his christian-name when he goes upon the attack?вБ†вЄїOr when he stands in the trench, Trim? cried my uncle Toby, looking firm.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Or when he enters a breach? said Trim, pushing in between two chairs.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Or forces the lines? cried my uncle, rising up, and pushing his crutch like a pike.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Or facing a platoon? cried Trim, presenting his stick like a firelock.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Or when he marches up the glacis? cried my uncle Toby, looking warm and setting his foot upon his stool.вБ†вЄї + 

XIX + 

My father was returned from his walk to the fishpondвБ†вЄЇвБ†and opened the parlour-door in the very height of the attack, just as my uncle Toby was marching up the glacisвБ†вЄЇвБ†Trim recovered his armsвБ†вЄЇвБ†never was my uncle Toby caught in riding at such a desperate rate in his life! Alas! my uncle Toby! had not a weightier matter called forth all the ready eloquence of my fatherвБ†вАФhow hadst thou then and thy poor Hobbyhorse too been insulted! + 

My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it down; and after giving a slight look at the disorder of the room, he took hold of one of the chairs which had formed the corporalвАЩs breach, and placing it over-against my uncle Toby, he sat down in it, and as soon as the tea-things were taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a lamentation as follows. + 

My FatherвАЩs Lamentation + 

It is in vain longer, said my father, addressing himself as much to ErnulphusвАЩs curse, which was laid upon the corner of the chimneypieceвБ†вЄЇвБ†as to my uncle Toby who sat under itвБ†вЄЇвБ†it is in vain longer, said my father, in the most querulous monotony imaginable, to struggle as I have done against this most uncomfortable of human persuasionsвБ†вЄЇвБ†I see it plainly, that either for my own sins, brother Toby, or the sins and follies of the Shandy family, Heaven has thought fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artillery against me; and that the prosperity of my child is the point upon which the whole force of it is directed to play.вБ†вЄїSuch a thing would batter the whole universe about our ears, brother Shandy, said my uncle TobyвБ†вАФif it was soвБ†вАФUnhappy Tristram: child of wrath! child of decrepitude! interruption! mistake! and discontent! What one misfortune or disaster in the book of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize thy frame, or entangle thy filaments! which has not fallen upon thy head, or ever thou camest into the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†what evils in thy passage into it!вБ†вЄїwhat evils since!вБ†вЄЇвБ†produced into being, in the decline of thy fatherвАЩs daysвБ†вЄЇвБ†when the powers of his imagination and of his body were waxing feebleвБ†вЄЇвБ†when radical heat and radical moisture, the elements which should have temperвАЩd thine, were drying up; and nothing left to found thy stamina in, but negationsвБ†вАФвАЩtis pitifulвБ†вЄїbrother Toby, at the best, and called out for all the little helps that care and attention on both sides could give it. But how were we defeated! You know the event, brother TobyвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis too melancholy a one to be repeated nowвБ†вЄЇвБ†when the few animal spirits I was worth in the world, and with which memory, fancy, and quick parts should have been conveyвАЩdвБ†вЄїwere all dispersed, confused, confounded, scattered, and sent to the devil.вБ†вЄї + 

Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecution against him;вБ†вЄїand tried an experiment at leastвБ†вЄїwhether calmness and serenity of mind in your sister, with a due attention, brother Toby, to her evacuations and repletionsвБ†вЄїand the rest of her non-naturals, might not, in a course of nine months gestation, have set all things to rights.вБ†вЄїMy child was bereft of these!вБ†вЄїWhat a teazing life did she lead herself, and consequently her f≈Уtus too, with that nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town? I thought my sister submitted with the greatest patience, replied my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†I never heard her utter one fretful word about it.вБ†вЄїShe fumed inwardly, cried my father; and that, let me tell you, brother, was ten times worse for the childвБ†вАФand then! what battles did she fight with me, and what perpetual storms about the midwife.вБ†вЄїThere she gave vent, said my uncle Toby.вБ†вЄїVent! cried my father, looking up. + 

But what was all this, my dear Toby, to the injuries done us by my childвАЩs coming head foremost into the world, when all I wished, in this general wreck of his frame, was to have saved this little casket unbroke, unrifled.вБ†вЄї + 

With all my precautions, how was my system turned topside-turvy in the womb with my child! his head exposed to the hand of violence, and a pressure of 470 pounds avoirdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon its apexвБ†вАФthat at this hour вАЩtis ninety percent insurance, that the fine network of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a thousand tatters. + 

вЄЇвБ†Still we could have done.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Fool, coxcomb, puppyвБ†вЄЇвБ†give him but a NoseвБ†вЄЇвБ†Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller, GoosecapвБ†вЄї(shape him as you will) the door of fortune stands openвБ†вАФO Licetus! Licetus! had I been blest with a f≈Уtus five inches long and a half, like theeвБ†вАФFate might have done her worst. + 

Still, brother Toby, there was one cast of the dye left for our child after allвБ†вАФO Tristram! Tristram! Tristram! + 

We will send for Mr.¬†Yorick, said my uncle Toby. + 

вЄЇвБ†You may send for whom you will, replied my father. + 

XX + 

What a rate have I gone on at, curvetting and frisking it away, two up and two down for four volumes together, without looking once behind, or even on one side of me, to see whom I trod upon!вБ†вАФIвАЩll tread upon no oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†quoth I to myself when I mountedвБ†вЄїIвАЩll take a good rattling gallop; but IвАЩll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the road.вБ†вЄЇвБ†So off I setвБ†вЄЇвБ†up one laneвБ†вЄїdown another, through this turnpikeвБ†вЄЇвБ†over that, as if the arch-jockey of jockeys had got behind me. + 

Now ride at this rate with what good intention and resolution you mayвБ†вЄЇвАЩtis a million to one youвАЩll do someone a mischief, if not yourselfвБ†вЄїHeвАЩs flungвБ†вАФheвАЩs offвБ†вАФheвАЩs lost his hatвБ†вАФheвАЩs downвБ†вЄїheвАЩll break his neckвБ†вЄЇвБ†see!вБ†вЄЇвБ†if he has not galloped full among the scaffolding of the undertaking criticks!вБ†вЄЇвБ†heвАЩll knock his brains out against some of their postsвБ†вАФheвАЩs bounced out!вБ†вАФlookвБ†вАФheвАЩs now riding like a madcap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters, fiddlers, poets, biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, players, schoolmen, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, casuists, connoisseurs, prelates, popes, and engineers.вБ†вАФDonвАЩt fear, said IвБ†вАФIвАЩll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the kingвАЩs highway.вБ†вАФBut your horse throws dirt; see youвАЩve splashвАЩd a bishop.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I hope in God, вАЩtwas only Ernulphus, said I.вБ†вЄїBut you have squirted full in the faces of Mess. Le Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly, doctors of the Sorbonne.вБ†вЄїThat was last year, replied I.вБ†вАФBut you have trod this moment upon a king.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Kings have bad times onвАЩt, said I, to be trod upon by such people as me. + 

You have done it, replied my accuser. + 

I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my story.вБ†вЄїAnd what is it? You shall hear in the next chapter. + 

XXI + 

As Francis the first of France was one winterly night warming himself over the embers of a wood fire, and talking with his first minister of sundry things for the good of the stateвБ†вАФIt would not be amiss, said the king, stirring up the embers with his cane, if this good understanding betwixt ourselves and Switzerland was a little strengthened.вБ†вАФThere is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving money to these peopleвБ†вАФthey would swallow up the treasury of France.вБ†вАФPoo! poo! answered the kingвБ†вАФthere are more ways, Mons. le Premier, of bribing states, besides that of giving moneyвБ†вАФIвАЩll pay Switzerland the honour of standing godfather for my next child.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Your majesty, said the minister, in so doing, would have all the grammarians in Europe upon your back;вБ†вЄЇвБ†Switzerland, as a republick, being a female, can in no construction be godfather.вБ†вАФShe may be godmother, replied Francis hastilyвБ†вАФso announce my intentions by a courier tomorrow morning. + 

I am astonished, said Francis the First, (that day fortnight) speaking to his minister as he entered the closet, that we have had no answer from Switzerland.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Sire, I wait upon you this moment, said Mons. le Premier, to lay before you my dispatches upon that business.вБ†вАФThey take it kindly, said the king.вБ†вАФThey do, Sire, replied the minister, and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done themвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this case, of naming the child. + 

In all reason, quoth the kingвБ†вЄЇвБ†she will christen him Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us. Your majesty is deceived, replied the ministerвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have this hour received a dispatch from our resident, with the determination of the republick on that point also.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And what name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Shadrach, Meshech, Abed-nego, replied the minister.вБ†вАФBy Saint PeterвАЩs girdle, I will have nothing to do with the Swiss, cried Francis the First, pulling up his breeches and walking hastily across the floor. + 

Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself off. + 

WeвАЩll pay them in moneyвБ†вЄїsaid the king. + 

Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered the minister.вБ†вЄЇвБ†IвАЩll pawn the best jewel in my crown, quoth Francis the First. + 

Your honour stands pawnвАЩd already in this matter, answered Monsieur le Premier. + 

Then, Mons. le Premier, said the king, byвБ†вЄїweвАЩll go to war with вАЩem. + 

XXII + 

Albeit, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the measure of such a slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime have permitted) that these little books which I here put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger booksвБ†вАФyet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful guise of careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now to intreat thy lenity seriouslyвБ†вЄїin beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story of my father and his christian-namesвБ†вАФI have no thoughts of treading upon Francis the FirstвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor in the affair of the noseвБ†вАФupon Francis the NinthвБ†вАФnor in the character of my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†of characterizing the militiating spirits of my countryвБ†вАФthe wound upon his groin, is a wound to every comparison of that kindвБ†вАФnor by TrimвБ†вАФthat I meant the duke of OrmondвБ†вЄЇвБ†or that my book is wrote against predestination, or free-will, or taxesвБ†вАФIf вАЩtis wrote against anything,вБ†вЄЇвАЩtis wrote, anвАЩ please your worships, against the spleen! in order, by a more frequent and a more convulsive elevation and depression of the diaphragm, and the succussations of the intercostal and abdominal muscles in laughter, to drive the gall and other bitter juices from the gallbladder, liver, and sweetbread of his majestyвАЩs subjects, with all the inimicitious passions which belong to them, down into their duodenums. + 

XXIII + 

вАФBut can the thing be undone, Yorick? said my fatherвБ†вАФfor in my opinion, continued he, it cannot. I am a vile canonist, replied YorickвБ†вАФbut of all evils, holding suspense to be the most tormenting, we shall at least know the worst of this matter. I hate these great dinnersвБ†вЄЇвБ†said my fatherвБ†вАФThe size of the dinner is not the point, answered YorickвБ†вЄЇвБ†we want, Mr.¬†Shandy, to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether the name can be changed or notвБ†вАФand as the beards of so many commissaries, officials, advocates, proctors, registers, and of the most eminent of our school-divines, and others, are all to meet in the middle of one table, and Didius has so pressingly invited youвБ†вАФwho in your distress would miss such an occasion? All that is requisite, continued Yorick, is to apprize Didius, and let him manage a conversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject.вБ†вАФThen my brother Toby, cried my father, clapping his two hands together, shall go with us. + 

вЄЇвБ†Let my old tye-wig, quoth my uncle Toby, and my laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all night, Trim. + 

XXV + 

вАФNo doubt, Sir,вБ†вАФthere is a whole chapter wanting hereвБ†вАФand a chasm of ten pages made in the book by itвБ†вАФbut the bookbinder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a puppyвБ†вАФnor is the book a jot more imperfect (at least upon that score)вБ†вЄЇвБ†but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect and complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall demonstrate to your reverences in this manner.вБ†вАФI question first, by the by, whether the same experiment might not be made as successfully upon sundry other chaptersвБ†вЄїbut there is no end, anвАЩ please your reverences, in trying experiments upon chaptersвБ†вЄїwe have had enough of itвБ†вЄЇвБ†So thereвАЩs an end of that matter. + 

But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which otherwise you would all have been reading just now, instead of thisвБ†вЄЇвБ†was the description of my fatherвАЩs, my uncle TobyвАЩs, TrimвАЩs, and ObadiahвАЩs setting out and journeying to the visitation at ****. + 

WeвАЩll go in the coach, said my fatherвБ†вАФPrithee, have the arms been altered, Obadiah?вБ†вАФIt would have made my story much better to have begun with telling you, that at the time my motherвАЩs arms were added to the ShandyвАЩs, when the coach was repainted upon my fatherвАЩs marriage, it had so fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether by performing all his works with the left-hand, like Turpilius the Roman, or Hans Holbein of BasilвБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether вАЩtwas more from the blunder of his head than handвБ†вЄЇвБ†or whether, lastly, it was from the sinister turn which everything relating to our family was apt to takeвБ†вЄЇвБ†it so fell out, however, to our reproach, that instead of the bend-dexter, which since Harry the EighthвАЩs reign was honestly our dueвБ†вЄїa¬†bend-sinister, by some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite across the field of the Shandy arms. вАЩTis scarce credible that the mind of so wise a man as my father was, could be so much incommoded with so small a matter. The word coachвБ†вАФlet it be whose it wouldвБ†вАФor coachman, or coach-horse, or coach-hire, could never be named in the family, but he constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon the door of his own; he never once was able to step into the coach, or out of it, without turning round to take a view of the arms, and making a vow at the same time, that it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it again, till the bend-sinister was taken outвБ†вАФbut like the affair of the hinge, it was one of the many things which the Destinies had set down in their books ever to be grumbled at (and in wiser families than ours)вБ†вЄЇвБ†but never to be mended. + 

вАФHas the bend-sinister been brushвАЩd out, I say? said my father.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There has been nothing brushвАЩd out, Sir, answered Obadiah, but the lining. WeвАЩll go oвАЩhorseback, said my father, turning to Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Of all things in the world, except politicks, the clergy know the least of heraldry, said Yorick.вБ†вАФNo matter for that, cried my fatherвБ†вЄЇвБ†I should be sorry to appear with a blot in my escutcheon before them.вБ†вАФNever mind the bend-sinister, said my uncle Toby, putting on his tye-wig.вБ†вЄЇвБ†No, indeed, said my fatherвБ†вАФyou may go with my aunt Dinah to a visitation with a bend-sinister, if you think fitвБ†вАФMy poor uncle Toby blushвАЩd. My father was vexed at himself.вБ†вЄїNoвБ†вЄЇвБ†my dear brother Toby, said my father, changing his toneвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the damp of the coach-lining about my loins, may give me the sciatica again, as it did December, January, and February last winterвБ†вАФso if you please you shall ride my wifeвАЩs padвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as you are to preach, Yorick, you had better make the best of your way beforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and leave me to take care of my brother Toby, and to follow at our own rates. + 

Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the description of this cavalcade, in which Corporal Trim and Obadiah, upon two coach-horses abreast, led the way as slow as a patroleвБ†вЄЇвБ†whilst my uncle Toby, in his laced regimentals and tye-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep roads and dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and arms, as each could get the start. + 

вАФBut the painting of this journey, upon reviewing it, appears to be so much above the stile and manner of anything else I have been able to paint in this book, that it could not have remained in it, without depreciating every other scene; and destroying at the same time that necessary equipoise and balance, (whether of good or bad) betwixt chapter and chapter, from whence the just proportions and harmony of the whole work results. For my own part, I am but just set up in the business, so know little about itвБ†вАФbut, in my opinion, to write a book is for all the world like humming a songвБ†вАФbut in tune with yourself, madam, вАЩtis no matter how high or how low you take it. + 

вАФThis is the reason, may it please your reverences, that some of the lowest and flattest compositions pass off very wellвБ†вЄЇ(as¬†Yorick told my uncle Toby one night) by siege.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby looked brisk at the sound of the word siege, but could make neither head or tail of it. + 

IвАЩm to preach at court next Sunday, said HomenasвБ†вЄЇвБ†run over my notesвБ†вЄЇвБ†so I hummвАЩd over doctor HomenasвАЩs notesвБ†вАФthe modulationвАЩs very wellвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwill do, Homenas, if it holds on at this rateвБ†вЄЇвБ†so on I hummвАЩdвБ†вЄЇвБ†and a tolerable tune I thought it was; and to this hour, may it please your reverences, had never found out how low, how flat, how spiritless and jejune it was, but that all of a sudden, up started an air in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so heavenly,вБ†вАФit carried my soul up with it into the other world; now had I (as¬†Montaigne complained in a parallel accident)вБ†вАФhad I found the declivity easy, or the ascent accessibleвБ†вЄїcertes I had been outwitted.вБ†вЄїYour notes, Homenas, I should have said, are good notes;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but it was so perpendicular a precipiceвБ†вЄїso wholly cut off from the rest of the work, that by the first note I hummвАЩd I found myself flying into the other world, and from thence discovered the vale from whence I came, so deep, so low, and dismal, that I shall never have the heart to descend into it again. + 

вШЮ A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own sizeвБ†вАФtake my word, is a dwarf in more articles than one.вБ†вАФAnd so much for tearing out of chapters. + 

XXVI + 

вЄЇвБ†See if he is not cutting it into slips, and giving them about him to light their pipes!вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis abominable, answered Didius; it should not go unnoticed, said doctor KysarciusвБ†вЄївШЮ he was of the Kysarcii of the Low Countries. + 

Methinks, said Didius, half rising from his chair, in order to remove a bottle and a tall decanter, which stood in a direct line betwixt him and YorickвБ†вЄЇвБ†you might have spared this sarcastic stroke, and have hit upon a more proper place, Mr.¬†YorickвБ†вАФor at least upon a more proper occasion to have shown your contempt of what we have been about: If the sermon is of no better worth than to light pipes withвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas certainly, Sir, not good enough to be preached before so learned a body; and if вАЩtwas good enough to be preached before so learned a bodyвБ†вЄЇвАЩtwas certainly, Sir, too good to light their pipes with afterwards. + 

вЄЇвБ†I have got him fast hung up, quoth Didius to himself, upon one of the two horns of my dilemmaвБ†вЄЇвБ†let him get off as he can. + 

I have undergone such unspeakable torments, in bringing forth this sermon, quoth Yorick, upon this occasionвБ†вЄїthat I declare, Didius, I would suffer martyrdomвБ†вАФand if it was possible my horse with me, a thousand times over, before I would sit down and make such another: I was delivered of it at the wrong end of meвБ†вЄЇвБ†it came from my head instead of my heartвБ†вЄїand it is for the pain it gave me, both in the writing and preaching of it, that I revenge myself of it, in this mannerвБ†вАФTo preach, to show the extent of our reading, or the subtleties of our witвБ†вАФto parade in the eyes of the vulgar with the beggarly accounts of a little learning, tinselвАЩd over with a few words which glitter, but convey little light and less warmthвБ†вЄЇвБ†is a dishonest use of the poor single half hour in a week which is put into our handsвБ†вАФвАЩTis not preaching the gospelвБ†вАФbut ourselvesвБ†вЄЇвБ†For my own part, continued Yorick, I had rather direct five words point-blank to the heart.вБ†вАФ + 

As Yorick pronounced the word point-blank, my uncle Toby rose up to say something upon projectilesвБ†вЄЇвБ†when a single word and no more uttered from the opposite side of the table drew everyoneвАЩs ears towards itвБ†вАФa word of all others in the dictionary the last in that place to be expectedвБ†вАФa word I am ashamed to writeвБ†вАФyet must be writtenвБ†вЄЇвБ†must be readвБ†вАФillegalвБ†вАФuncanonicalвБ†вАФguess ten thousand guesses, multiplied into themselvesвБ†вАФrackвБ†вАФtorture your invention forever, youвАЩre where you wasвБ†вЄЇвЄЇвБ†In short, IвАЩll tell it in the next chapter. + 

XXVII + 

Zounds!вБ†вЄїZвБ†вЄЇвБ†ds! cried Phutatorius, partly to himselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†and yet high enough to be heardвБ†вАФand what seemed odd, вАЩtwas uttered in a construction of look, and in a tone of voice, somewhat between that of a man in amazement and one in bodily pain. + 

One or two who had very nice ears, and could distinguish the expression and mixture of the two tones as plainly as a third or a fifth, or any other chord in musicвБ†вАФwere the most puzzled and perplexed with itвБ†вАФthe concord was good in itselfвБ†вАФbut then вАЩtwas quite out of the key, and no way applicable to the subject started;вБ†вЄЇвБ†so that with all their knowledge, they could not tell what in the world to make of it. + 

Others who knew nothing of musical expression, and merely lent their ears to the plain import of the word, imagined that Phutatorius, who was somewhat of a cholerick spirit, was just going to snatch the cudgels out of DidiusвАЩs hands, in order to bemaul Yorick to some purposeвБ†вАФand that the desperate monosyllable ZвБ†вЄЇвБ†ds was the exordium to an oration, which, as they judged from the sample, presaged but a rough kind of handling of him; so that my uncle TobyвАЩs good-nature felt a pang for what Yorick was about to undergo. But seeing Phutatorius stop short, without any attempt or desire to go onвБ†вАФa third party began to suppose, that it was no more than an involuntary respiration, casually forming itself into the shape of a twelve-penny oathвБ†вАФwithout the sin or substance of one. + 

Others, and especially one or two who sat next him, looked upon it on the contrary as a real and substantial oath, propensly formed against Yorick, to whom he was known to bear no good likingвБ†вАФwhich said oath, as my father philosophized upon it, actually lay fretting and fuming at that very time in the upper regions of PhutatoriusвАЩs purtenance; and so was naturally, and according to the due course of things, first squeezed out by the sudden influx of blood which was driven into the right ventricle of PhutatoriusвАЩs heart, by the stroke of surprise which so strange a theory of preaching had excited. + 

How finely we argue upon mistaken facts! + 

There was not a soul busied in all these various reasonings upon the monosyllable which Phutatorius utteredвБ†вЄЇвБ†who did not take this for granted, proceeding upon it as from an axiom, namely, that PhutatoriusвАЩs mind was intent upon the subject of debate which was arising between Didius and Yorick; and indeed as he looked first towards the one and then towards the other, with the air of a man listening to what was going forwardsвБ†вАФwho would not have thought the same? But the truth was, that Phutatorius knew not one word or one syllable of what was passingвБ†вАФbut his whole thoughts and attention were taken up with a transaction which was going forwards at that very instant within the precincts of his own Galligaskins, and in a part of them, where of all others he stood most interested to watch accidents: So that notwithstanding he looked with all the attention in the world, and had gradually skrewed up every nerve and muscle in his face, to the utmost pitch the instrument would bear, in order, as it was thought, to give a sharp reply to Yorick, who sat over-against himвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet, I say, was Yorick never once in any one domicile of PhutatoriusвАЩs brainвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the true cause of his exclamation lay at least a yard below. + 

This I will endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable decency. + 

You must be informed then, that Gastripheres, who had taken a turn into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see how things went onвБ†вАФobserving a wicker-basket of fine chesnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a hundred or two of them might be roasted and sent in, as soon as dinner was overвБ†вЄЇвБ†Gastripheres inforcing his orders about them, that Didius, but Phutatorius especially, were particularly fond of вАЩem. + 

About two minutes before the time that my uncle Toby interrupted YorickвАЩs harangueвБ†вАФGastripheresвАЩs chesnuts were brought inвБ†вАФand as PhutatoriusвАЩs fondness for вАЩem was uppermost in the waiterвАЩs head, he laid them directly before Phutatorius, wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin. + 

Now whether it was physically impossible, with half a dozen hands all thrust into the napkin at a timeвБ†вАФbut that some one chesnut, of more life and rotundity than the rest, must be put in motionвБ†вАФit so fell out, however, that one was actually sent rolling off the table; and as Phutatorius sat straddling underвБ†вЄЇвБ†it fell perpendicularly into that particular aperture of PhutatoriusвАЩs breeches, for which, to the shame and indelicacy of our language be it spoke, there is no chaste word throughout all JohnsonвАЩs dictionaryвБ†вЄЇвБ†let it suffice to sayвБ†вЄЇвБ†it was that particular aperture which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum do strictly require, like the temple of Janus (in peace at least) to be universally shut up. + 

The neglect of this punctilio in Phutatorius (which by the by should be a warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this accident.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of speakingвБ†вЄїbut in no opposition to the opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in this matter; I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of itвБ†вАФand are so to this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the whole eventвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that the chesnutвАЩs taking that particular course and in a manner of its own accordвБ†вАФand then falling with all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no otherвБ†вЄЇвБ†was a real judgment upon Phutatorius, for that filthy and obscene treatise de Concubinis retinendis, which Phutatorius had published about twenty years agoвБ†вЄЇвБ†and was that identical week going to give the world a second edition of. + 

It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversyвБ†вЄЇвБ†much undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of the questionвБ†вАФall that concerns me as an historian, is to represent the matter of fact, and render it credible to the reader, that the hiatus in PhutatoriusвАЩs breeches was sufficiently wide to receive the chesnut;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and that the chesnut, somehow or other, did fall perpendicularly and piping hot into it, without PhutatoriusвАЩs perceiving it, or anyone else at that time. + 

The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for the first twenty or five-and-twenty secondsвБ†вЄЇвБ†and did no more than gently solicit PhutatoriusвАЩs attention towards the part:вБ†вЄїBut the heat gradually increasing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain, the soul of Phutatorius, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalions of animal spirits, all tumultuously crowded down, through different defiles and circuits, to the place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as you may imagine, as empty as my purse. + 

With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him back, Phutatorius was not able to dive into the secret of what was going forwards below, nor could he make any kind of conjecture, what the devil was the matter with it: However, as he knew not what the true cause might turn out, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoick; which, with the help of some wry faces and compursions of the mouth, he had certainly accomplished, had his imagination continued neuter;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but the sallies of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this kindвБ†вАФa thought instantly darted into his mind, that though the anguish had the sensation of glowing heatвБ†вАФit might, notwithstanding that, be a bite as well as a burn; and if so, that possibly a Newt or an Asker, or some such detested reptile, had crept up, and was fastening his teethвБ†вЄЇвБ†the horrid idea of which, with a fresh glow of pain arising that instant from the chesnut, seized Phutatorius with a sudden panick, and in the first terrifying disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it has done the best generals upon earth, quite off his guard:вБ†вЄЇвБ†the effect of which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rose that interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with the aposiopestic break after it, marked thus, ZвБ†вЄЇвБ†dsвБ†вАФwhich, though not strictly canonical, was still as little as any man could have said upon the occasion;вБ†вЄїand which, by the by, whether canonical or not, Phutatorius could no more help than he could the cause of it. + 

Though this has taken up some time in the narrative, it took up little more time in the transaction, than just to allow for Phutatorius to draw forth the chesnut, and throw it down with violence upon the floorвБ†вАФand for Yorick to rise from his chair, and pick the chesnut up. + 

It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the mind:вБ†вЄЇвБ†What incredible weight they have in forming and governing our opinions, both of men and thingsвБ†вЄЇвБ†that trifles, light as air, shall waft a belief into the soul, and plant it so immoveably within itвБ†вЄЇвБ†that EuclidвАЩs demonstrations, could they be brought to batter it in breach, should not all have power to overthrow it. + 

Yorick, I said, picked up the chesnut which PhutatoriusвАЩs wrath had flung downвБ†вЄЇвБ†the action was triflingвБ†вЄЇвБ†I am ashamed to account for itвБ†вАФhe did it, for no reason, but that he thought the chesnut not a jot worse for the adventureвБ†вАФand that he held a good chesnut worth stooping for.вБ†вЄїBut this incident, trifling as it was, wrought differently in PhutatoriusвАЩs head: He considered this act of YorickвАЩs in getting off his chair and picking up the chesnut, as a plain acknowledgment in him, that the chesnut was originally hisвБ†вАФand in course, that it must have been the owner of the chesnut, and no one else, who could have played him such a prank with it: What greatly confirmed him in this opinion, was this, that the table being parallelogramical and very narrow, it afforded a fair opportunity for Yorick, who sat directly over against Phutatorius, of slipping the chesnut inвБ†вЄЇвБ†and consequently that he did it. The look of something more than suspicion, which Phutatorius cast full upon Yorick as these thoughts arose, too evidently spoke his opinionвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as Phutatorius was naturally supposed to know more of the matter than any person besides, his opinion at once became the general one;вБ†вЄЇвБ†and for a reason very different from any which have been yet givenвБ†вЄЇвБ†in a little time it was put out of all manner of dispute. + 

When great or unexpected events fall out upon the stage of this sublunary worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†the mind of man, which is an inquisitive kind of substance, naturally takes a flight behind the scenes to see what is the cause and first spring of them.вБ†вАФThe search was not long in this instance. + 

It was well known that Yorick had never a good opinion of the treatise which Phutatorius had wrote de Concubinis retinendis, as a thing which he feared had done hurt in the worldвБ†вЄЇвБ†and вАЩtwas easily found out, that there was a mystical meaning in YorickвАЩs prankвБ†вАФand that his chucking the chesnut hot into PhutatoriusвАЩs ***вБ†вЄЇ*****, was a sarcastical fling at his bookвБ†вАФthe doctrines of which, they said, had enflamed many an honest man in the same place. + 

This conceit awakenвАЩd SomnolentusвБ†вЄЇвБ†made Agelastes smileвБ†вЄЇвБ†and if you can recollect the precise look and air of a manвАЩs face intent in finding out a riddleвБ†вЄїit threw GastripheresвАЩs into that formвБ†вАФand in short was thought by many to be a masterstroke of arch-wit. + 

This, as the reader has seen from one end to the other, was as groundless as the dreams of philosophy: Yorick, no doubt, as Shakespeare said of his ancestorвБ†вЄївАЬwas a man of jest,вАЭ but it was temperвАЩd with something which withheld him from that, and many other ungracious pranks, of which he as undeservedly bore the blame;вБ†вАФbut it was his misfortune all his life long to bear the imputation of saying and doing a thousand things, of which (unless my esteem blinds me) his nature was incapable. All I blame him forвБ†вЄЇвБ†or rather, all I blame and alternately like him for, was that singularity of his temper, which would never suffer him to take pains to set a story right with the world, however in his power. In every ill usage of that sort, he acted precisely as in the affair of his lean horseвБ†вЄЇвБ†he could have explained it to his honour, but his spirit was above it; and besides, he ever looked upon the inventor, the propagator and believer of an illiberal report alike so injurious to himвБ†вАФhe could not stoop to tell his story to themвБ†вАФand so trusted to time and truth to do it for him. + 

This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many respectsвБ†вАФin the present it was followed by the fixed resentment of Phutatorius, who, as Yorick had just made an end of his chesnut, rose up from his chair a second time, to let him know itвБ†вАФwhich indeed he did with a smile; saying onlyвБ†вАФthat he would endeavour not to forget the obligation. + 

But you must mark and carefully separate and distinguish these two things in your mind. + 

вЄЇвБ†The smile was for the company. + 

вЄЇвБ†The threat was for Yorick. + 

XXVIII + 

вАФCan you tell me, quoth Phutatorius, speaking to Gastripheres who sat next to himвБ†вЄЇвБ†for one would not apply to a surgeon in so foolish an affairвБ†вЄЇвБ†can you tell me, Gastripheres, what is best to take out the fire?вБ†вЄЇвБ†Ask Eugenius, said Gastripheres.вБ†вЄЇвБ†That greatly depends, said Eugenius, pretending ignorance of the adventure, upon the nature of the partвБ†вЄЇвБ†If it is a tender part, and a part which can conveniently be wrapt upвБ†вЄїIt is both the one and the other, replied Phutatorius, laying his hand as he spoke, with an emphatical nod of his head, upon the part in question, and lifting up his right leg at the same time to ease and ventilate it.вБ†вЄїIf that is the case, said Eugenius, I would advise you, Phutatorius, not to tamper with it by any means; but if you will send to the next printer, and trust your cure to such a simple thing as a soft sheet of paper just come off the pressвБ†вАФyou need do nothing more than twist it round.вБ†вАФThe damp paper, quoth Yorick (who sat next to his friend Eugenius) though I know it has a refreshing coolness in itвБ†вАФyet I presume is no more than the vehicleвБ†вАФand that the oil and lampblack with which the paper is so strongly impregnated, does the business.вБ†вАФRight, said Eugenius, and is, of any outward application I would venture to recommend, the most anodyne and safe. + 

Was it my case, said Gastripheres, as the main thing is the oil and lampblack, I should spread them thick upon a rag, and clap it on directly.вБ†вЄїThat would make a very devil of it, replied Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ†And besides, added Eugenius, it would not answer the intention, which is the extreme neatness and elegance of the prescription, which the Faculty hold to be half in half;вБ†вЄЇвБ†for consider, if the type is a very small one (which it should be) the sanative particles, which come into contact in this form, have the advantage of being spread so infinitely thin, and with such a mathematical equality (fresh paragraphs and large capitals excepted) as no art or management of the spatula can come up to.вБ†вЄїIt falls out very luckily, replied Phutatorius, that the second edition of my treatise de Concubinis retinendis is at this instant in the press.вБ†вЄїYou may take any leaf of it, said EugeniusвБ†вЄїno matter which.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Provided, quoth Yorick, there is no bawdry in it.вБ†вЄї + 

They are just now, replied Phutatorius, printing off the ninth chapterвБ†вЄЇвБ†which is the last chapter but one in the book.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Pray what is the title of that chapter? said Yorick; making a respectful bow to Phutatorius as he spoke.вБ†вЄїI think, answered Phutatorius, вАЩtis that de re concubinari√Ґ. + 

For HeavenвАЩs sake keep out of that chapter, quoth Yorick. + 

вЄЇвБ†By all meansвБ†вАФadded Eugenius. + 

XXIX + 

вАФNow, quoth Didius, rising up, and laying his right hand with his fingers spread upon his breastвБ†вЄЇвБ†had such a blunder about a christian-name happened before the ReformationвБ†вЄї[It happened the day before yesterday, quoth my uncle Toby to himself] and when baptism was administerвАЩd in LatinвБ†вАФ[вАЩTwas all in English, said my uncle]вБ†вЄїmany things might have coincided with it, and upon the authority of sundry decreed cases, to have pronounced the baptism null, with a power of giving the child a new nameвБ†вАФHad a priest, for instance, which was no uncommon thing, through ignorance of the Latin tongue, baptized a child of Tom-oвАЩStiles, in nomine patriae¬†& filia¬†& spiritum sanctosвБ†вАФthe baptism was held null.вБ†вЄЇвБ†I beg your pardon, replied KysarciusвБ†вЄЇвБ†in that case, as the mistake was only the terminations, the baptism was validвБ†вЄЇвБ†and to have rendered it null, the blunder of the priest should have fallen upon the first syllable of each nounвБ†вЄїand not, as in your case, upon the last. + 

My father delighted in subtleties of this kind, and listenвАЩd with infinite attention. + 

Gastripheres, for example, continued Kysarcius, baptizes a child of John StradlingвАЩs in Gomine gatris, etc., etc., instead of in Nomine patris, etc.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Is this a baptism? NoвБ†вАФsay the ablest canonists; in as much as the radix of each word is hereby torn up, and the sense and meaning of them removed and changed quite to another object; for Gomine does not signify a name, nor gatris a father.вБ†вАФWhat do they signify? said my uncle Toby.вБ†вАФNothing at allвБ†вЄїquoth Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Ergo, such a baptism is null, said Kysarcius.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

In course, answered Yorick, in a tone two parts jest and one part earnest.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

But in the case cited, continued Kysarcius, where patriae is put for patris, filia for filii, and so onвБ†вЄЇвБ†as it is a fault only in the declension, and the roots of the words continue untouchвАЩd, the inflections of their branches either this way or that, does not in any sort hinder the baptism, inasmuch as the same sense continues in the words as before.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But then, said Didius, the intention of the priestвАЩs pronouncing them grammatically must have been proved to have gone along with it.вБ†вЄївЄїRight, answered Kysarcius; and of this, brother Didius, we have an instance in a decree of the decretals of Pope Leo the IIIвБ†вЄЇвБ†But my brotherвАЩs child, cried my uncle Toby, has nothing to do with the PopeвБ†вЄївАЩtis the plain child of a Protestant gentleman, christenвАЩd Tristram against the wills and wishes both of his father and mother, and all who are akin to it.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

If the wills and wishes, said Kysarcius, interrupting my uncle Toby, of those only who stand related to Mr.¬†ShandyвАЩs child, were to have weight in this matter, Mrs.¬†Shandy, of all people, has the least to do in it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†My uncle Toby layвАЩd down his pipe, and my father drew his chair still closer to the table, to hear the conclusion of so strange an introduction. + 

вЄЇвБ†It has not only been a question, Captain Shandy, amongst the best lawyers and civilians in this land, continued Kysarcius, вАЬWhether the mother be of kin to her child,вАЭвБ†вАФbut, after much dispassionate enquiry and jactitation of the arguments on all sidesвБ†вАФit has been abjudged for the negativeвБ†вАФnamely, вАЬThat the mother is not of kin to her child.вАЭ My father instantly clappвАЩd his hand upon my uncle TobyвАЩs mouth, under colour of whispering in his ear;вБ†вАФthe truth was, he was alarmed for LillabulleroвБ†вАФand having a great desire to hear more of so curious an argumentвБ†вАФhe beggвАЩd my uncle Toby, for HeavenвАЩs sake, not to disappoint him in it.вБ†вАФMy uncle Toby gave a nodвБ†вАФresumed his pipe, and contenting himself with whistling Lillabullero inwardlyвБ†вЄЇвБ†Kysarcius, Didius, and Triptolemus went on with the discourse as follows. + 

This determination, continued Kysarcius, how contrary soever it may seem to run to the stream of vulgar ideas, yet had reason strongly on its side; and has been put out of all manner of dispute from the famous case, known commonly by the name of the Duke of SuffolkвАЩs case.вБ†вЄїIt is cited in Brook, said TriptolemusвБ†вЄїAnd taken notice of by Lord Coke, added Didius.вБ†вАФAnd you may find it in Swinburn on Testaments, said Kysarcius. + 

The case, Mr.¬†Shandy, was this. + 

In the reign of Edward the Sixth, Charles duke of Suffolk having issue a son by one venter, and a daughter by another venter, made his last will, wherein he devised goods to his son, and died; after whose death the son died alsoвБ†вЄЇвБ†but without will, without wife, and without childвБ†вАФhis mother and his sister by the fatherвАЩs side (for she was born of the former venter) then living. The mother took the administration of her sonвАЩs goods, according to the statute of the 21st of Harry the Eighth, whereby it is enacted, That in case any person die intestate the administration of his goods shall be committed to the next of kin. + 

The administration being thus (surreptitiously) granted to the mother, the sister by the fatherвАЩs side commenced a suit before the Ecclesiastical Judge, alleging, 1st, That she herself was next of kin; and 2ndly, That the mother was not of kin at all to the party deceased; and therefore prayed the court, that the administration granted to the mother might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of kin to the deceased, by force of the said statute. + 

Hereupon, as it was a great cause, and much depending upon its issueвБ†вАФand many causes of great property likely to be decided in times to come, by the precedent to be then madeвБ†вЄЇвБ†the most learned, as well in the laws of this realm, as in the civil law, were consulted together, whether the mother was of kin to her son, or no.вБ†вАФWhereunto not only the temporal lawyersвБ†вЄЇвБ†but the church lawyersвБ†вАФthe juris-consultiвБ†вАФthe juris-prudentesвБ†вАФthe civiliansвБ†вАФthe advocatesвБ†вАФthe commissariesвБ†вАФthe judges of the consistory and prerogative courts of Canterbury and York, with the master of the faculties, were all unanimously of opinion, That the mother was not of kin to her child.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

And what said the duchess of Suffolk to it? said my uncle Toby. + 

The unexpectedness of my uncle TobyвАЩs question, confounded Kysarcius more than the ablest advocateвБ†вЄЇвБ†He stoppвАЩd a full minute, looking in my uncle TobyвАЩs face without replyingвБ†вЄЇвБ†and in that single minute Triptolemus put by him, and took the lead as follows. + 

вАЩTis a ground and principle in the law, said Triptolemus, that things do not ascend, but descend in it; and I make no doubt вАЩtis for this cause, that however true it is, that the child may be of the blood and seed of its parentsвБ†вЄЇвБ†that the parents, nevertheless, are not of the blood and seed of it; inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the child, but the child by the parentsвБ†вАФFor so they write, Liberi sunt de sanguine patris¬†& matris, sed pater¬†& mater non sunt de sanguine liberorum. + 

вЄЇвБ†But this, Triptolemus, cried Didius, proves too muchвБ†вАФfor from this authority cited it would follow, not only what indeed is granted on all sides, that the mother is not of kin to her childвБ†вАФbut the father likewise.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It is held, said Triptolemus, the better opinion; because the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet are they but (una caro) one flesh; and consequently no degree of kindredвБ†вЄЇвБ†or any method of acquiring one in nature.вБ†вЄЇвБ†There you push the argument again too far, cried DidiusвБ†вЄЇвБ†for there is no prohibition in nature, though there is in the Levitical lawвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that a man may beget a child upon his grandmotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†in which case, supposing the issue a daughter, she would stand in relation both ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†But who ever thought, cried Kysarcius, of lying with his grandmother?вБ†вЄїThe young gentleman, replied Yorick, whom Selden speaks ofвБ†вЄЇвБ†who not only thought of it, but justified his intention to his father by the argument drawn from the law of retaliation.вБ†вАФвАЬYou lay, Sir, with my mother,вАЭ said the ladвБ†вАФвАЬwhy may not I lie with yours?вАЭвБ†вЄЇвАЩTis the Argumentum commune, added Yorick.вБ†вЄЇвАЩTis as good, replied Eugenius, taking down his hat, as they deserve. + 

The company broke up. + 

XXX + 

вАФAnd pray, said my uncle Toby, leaning upon Yorick, as he and my father were helping him leisurely down the stairsвБ†вЄЇвБ†donвАЩt be terrified, madam, this staircase conversation is not so long as the lastвБ†вЄЇвБ†And pray, Yorick, said my uncle Toby, which way is this said affair of Tristram at length settled by these learned men? Very satisfactorily, replied Yorick; no mortal, Sir, has any concern with itвБ†вЄЇвБ†for Mrs.¬†Shandy the mother is nothing at all akin to himвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as the motherвАЩs is the surest sideвБ†вЄЇвБ†Mr.¬†Shandy, in course, is still less than nothingвБ†вЄїIn short, he is not as much akin to him, Sir, as I am.вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

вЄЇвБ†That may well be, said my father, shaking his head. + 

вЄЇвБ†Let the learned say what they will, there must certainly, quoth my uncle Toby, have been some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess of Suffolk and her son. + 

The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth Yorick, to this hour. + 

XXXI + 

Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learned discoursesвБ†вЄївАЩtwas still but like the anointing of a broken boneвБ†вЄїThe moment he got home, the weight of his afflictions returned upon him but so much the heavier, as is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips from under us.вБ†вАФHe became pensiveвБ†вАФwalked frequently forth to the fishpondвБ†вАФlet down one loop of his hatвБ†вЄЇвБ†sighвАЩd oftenвБ†вЄЇвБ†forbore to snapвБ†вАФand, as the hasty sparks of temper, which occasion snapping, so much assist perspiration and digestion, as Hippocrates tells usвБ†вАФhe had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them, had not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health rescued by a fresh train of disquietudes left him, with a legacy of a thousand pounds, by my aunt Dinah. + 

My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the right end, he instantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out mostly to the honour of his family.вБ†вАФA hundred-and-fifty odd projects took possession of his brains by turnsвБ†вАФhe would do this, and that, and tвАЩotherвБ†вАФHe would go to RomeвБ†вЄЇвБ†he would go to lawвБ†вЄЇвБ†he would buy stockвБ†вЄЇвБ†he would buy John HobsonвАЩs farmвБ†вАФhe would new forefront his house, and add a new wing to make it evenвБ†вЄЇвБ†There was a fine water-mill on this side, and he would build a windmill on the other side of the river in full view to answer itвБ†вАФBut above all things in the world, he would enclose the great Ox-moor, and send out my brother Bobby immediately upon his travels. + 

But as the sum was finite, and consequently could not do everythingвБ†вЄЇвБ†and in truth very few of these to any purposeвБ†вАФof all the projects which offered themselves upon this occasion, the two last seemed to make the deepest impression; and he would infallibly have determined upon both at once, but for the small inconvenience hinted at above, which absolutely put him under a necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other. + 

This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though вАЩtis certain my father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my brotherвАЩs education, and like a prudent man had actually determined to carry it into execution, with the first money that returned from the second creation of actions in the Missisippi-scheme, in which he was an adventurerвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet the Ox-moor, which was a fine, large, whinny, undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the Shandy-estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise to some account. + 

But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of things, as made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice of their claimsвБ†вЄЇвБ†like a wise man he had refrained entering into any nice or critical examination about them: so that upon the dismission of every other project at this crisisвБ†вЄїthe two old projects, the Ox-moor and my Brother, divided him again; and so equal a match were they for each other, as to become the occasion of no small contest in the old gentlemanвАЩs mindвБ†вАФwhich of the two should be set oвАЩgoing first. + 

вЄЇвБ†People may laugh as they willвБ†вАФbut the case was this. + 

It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before marriageвБ†вАФnot only for the sake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of exercise and change of so much airвБ†вАФbut simply for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of having been abroadвБ†вАФtantum valet, my father would say, quantum sonat. + 

Now as this was a reasonable, and in course a most christian indulgenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†to deprive him of it, without why or whereforeвБ†вЄЇвБ†and thereby make an example of him, as the first Shandy unwhirlвАЩd about Europe in a post-chaise, and only because he was a heavy ladвБ†вЄЇвБ†would be using him ten times worse than a Turk. + 

On the other hand, the case of the Ox-moor was full as hard. + 

Exclusive of the original purchase-money, which was eight hundred poundsвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in a lawsuit about fifteen years beforeвБ†вАФbesides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation. + 

It had been moreover in possession of the Shandy-family ever since the middle of the last century; and though it lay full in view before the house, bounded on one extremity by the water-mill, and on the other by the projected windmill, spoken of aboveвБ†вАФand for all these reasons seemed to have the fairest title of any part of the estate to the care and protection of the familyвБ†вАФyet by an unaccountable fatality, common to men, as well as the ground they tread onвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had all along most shamefully been overlookвАЩd; and to speak the truth of it, had suffered so much by it, that it would have made any manвАЩs heart have bled (Obadiah said) who understood the value of the land, to have rode over it, and only seen the condition it was in. + 

However, as neither the purchasing this tract of groundвБ†вЄЇвБ†nor indeed the placing of it where it lay, were either of them, properly speaking, of my fatherвАЩs doingвБ†вЄЇвБ†he had never thought himself anyway concerned in the affairвБ†вЄїtill the fifteen years before, when the breaking out of that cursed lawsuit mentioned above (and which had arose about its boundaries)вБ†вЄїwhich being altogether my fatherвАЩs own act and deed, it naturally awakened every other argument in its favour, and upon summing them all up together, he saw, not merely in interest, but in honour, he was bound to do something for itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and that now or never was the time. + 

I think there must certainly have been a mixture of ill-luck in it, that the reasons on both sides should happen to be so equally balanced by each other; for though my father weighвАЩd them in all humours and conditionsвБ†вЄїspent many an anxious hour in the most profound and abstracted meditation upon what was best to be doneвБ†вАФreading books of farming one dayвБ†вЄїbooks of travels anotherвБ†вЄЇвБ†laying aside all passion whateverвБ†вАФviewing the arguments on both sides in all their lights and circumstancesвБ†вАФcommuning every day with my uncle TobyвБ†вАФarguing with Yorick, and talking over the whole affair of the Ox-moor with ObadiahвБ†вЄїyet nothing in all that time appeared so strongly in behalf of the one, which was not either strictly applicable to the other, or at least so far counterbalanced by some consideration of equal weight, as to keep the scales even. + 

For to be sure, with proper helps, and in the hands of some people, though the Ox-moor would undoubtedly have made a different appearance in the world from what it did, or ever could do in the condition it layвБ†вЄЇвБ†yet every tittle of this was true, with regard to my brother BobbyвБ†вЄЇвБ†let Obadiah say what he would.вБ†вЄї + 

In point of interestвБ†вЄЇвБ†the contest, I own, at first sight, did not appear so undecisive betwixt them; for whenever my father took pen and ink in hand, and set about calculating the simple expense of paring and burning, and fencing in the Ox-moor etc. etc.вБ†вАФwith the certain profit it would bring him in returnвБ†вЄЇвБ†the latter turned out so prodigiously in his way of working the account, that you would have sworn the Ox-moor would have carried all before it. For it was plain he should reap a hundred lasts of rape, at twenty pounds a last, the very first yearвБ†вЄЇвБ†besides an excellent crop of wheat the year followingвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the year after that, to speak within bounds, a hundredвБ†вЄЇвБ†but in all likelihood, a hundred and fiftyвБ†вЄїif not two hundred quarters of peas and beansвБ†вЄЇвБ†besides potatoes without end.вБ†вЄЇвБ†But then, to think he was all this while breeding up my brother, like a hog to eat themвБ†вЄЇвБ†knocked all on the head again, and generally left the old gentleman in such a state of suspenceвБ†вЄЇвБ†that, as he often declared to my uncle TobyвБ†вЄЇвБ†he knew no more than his heels what to do. + 

No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to have a manвАЩs mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength, both obstinately pulling in a contrary direction at the same time: for to say nothing of the havock, which by a certain consequence is unavoidably made by it all over the finer system of the nerves, which you know convey the animal spirits and more subtle juices from the heart to the head, and so onвБ†вЄЇвБ†it is not to be told in what a degree such a wayward kind of friction works upon the more gross and solid parts, wasting the fat and impairing the strength of a man every time as it goes backwards and forwards. + 

My father had certainly sunk under this evil, as certainly as he had done under that of my christian nameвБ†вЄЇвБ†had he not been rescued out of it, as he was out of that, by a fresh evilвБ†вЄїthe misfortune of my brother BobbyвАЩs death. + 

What is the life of man! Is it not to shift from side to side?вБ†вЄїfrom sorrow to sorrow?вБ†вЄїto button up one cause of vexationвБ†вЄїand unbutton another? + 

XXXII + 

From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the Shandy familyвБ†вЄЇвБ†and it is from this point properly, that the story of my Life and my Opinions sets out. With all my hurry and precipitation, I have but been clearing the ground to raise the buildingвБ†вЄЇвБ†and such a building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as never was executed since Adam. In less than five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after itвБ†вАФI have but half a score things to do in the timeвБ†вЄЇвБ†I have a thing to nameвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to lamentвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to hopeвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to promise, and a thing to threatenвБ†вАФI have a thing to supposeвБ†вАФa thing to declareвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to concealвБ†вЄЇвБ†a thing to choose, and a thing to pray forвБ†вЄїThis chapter, therefore, I name the chapter of ThingsвБ†вЄїand my next chapter to it, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall be my chapter upon whiskers, in order to keep up some sort of connection in my works. + 

The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards which I have all the way looked forwards, with so much earnest desire; and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle Toby, the events of which are of so singular a nature, and so Cervantick a cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same impressions to every other brain, which the occurrences themselves excite in my ownвБ†вАФI will answer for it the book shall make its way in the world, much better than its master has done before it.вБ†вЄЇвБ†Oh Tristram! Tristram! can this but be once brought aboutвБ†вЄЇвБ†the credit, which will attend thee as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a manвБ†вЄЇвБ†thou wilt feast upon the oneвБ†вЄЇвБ†when thou hast lost all sense and remembrance of the other!вБ†вЄЇвБ† + 

No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amoursвБ†вАФThey are the choicest morsel of my whole story! and when I do get at вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†assure yourselves, good folksвБ†вАФ(nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takes offence at it) I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words!вБ†вЄЇвБ†and thatвАЩs the thing I have to declare.вБ†вЄїI shall never get all through in five minutes, that I fearвБ†вЄЇвБ†and the thing I hope is, that your worships and reverences are not offendedвБ†вАФif you are, depend uponвАЩt IвАЩll give you something, my good gentry, next year to be offended atвБ†вЄЇвБ†thatвАЩs my dear JennyвАЩs wayвБ†вАФbut who my Jenny isвБ†вАФand which is the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be concealedвБ†вАФit shall be told you in the next chapter but one to my chapter of ButtonholesвБ†вЄЇвБ†and not one chapter before. + 

And now that you have just got to the end of these four volumesвБ†вЄЇвБ†the thing I have to ask is, how you feel your heads? my own akes dismally!вБ†вЄїas for your healths, I know, they are much better.вБ†вАФTrue Shandeism, think what you will against it, opens the heart and lungs, and like all those affections which partake of its nature, it forces the blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freely through its channels, makes the wheel of life run long and cheerfully round. + 

Was I left, like Sancho Panca, to choose my kingdom, it should not be maritimeвБ†вАФor a kingdom of blacks to make a penny of;вБ†вАФno, it should be a kingdom of hearty laughing subjects: And as the bilious and more saturnine passions, by creating disorders in the blood and humours, have as bad an influence, I see, upon the body politick as body naturalвБ†вЄЇвБ†and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern those passions, and subject them to reasonвБ†вЄїI should add to my prayerвБ†вАФthat God would give my subjects grace to be as wise as they were merry; and then should I be the happiest monarch, and they the happiest people under heaven. + 

And so, with this moral for the present, may it please your worships and your reverences, I take my leave of you till this time twelvemonth, when, (unless this vile cough kills me in the meantime) IвАЩll have another pluck at your beards, and lay open a story to the world you little dream of. + 