II
There is nothing so foolish, when you are at the expense of making an entertainment of this kind, as to order things so badly, as to let your criticks and gentry of refined taste run it down: Nor is there anything so likely to make them do it, as that of leaving them out of the party, or, what is full as offensive, of bestowing your attention upon the rest of your guests in so particular a way, as if there was no such thing as a critick (by occupation) at table.
вЄЇвБ†I guard against both; for, in the first place, I have left half a dozen places purposely open for them;вБ†вАФand in the next place, I pay them all court.вБ†вАФGentlemen, I kiss your hands, I protest no company could give me half the pleasure,вБ†вАФby my soul I am glad to see youвБ†вЄїI beg only you will make no strangers of yourselves, but sit down without any ceremony, and fall on heartily.
I said I had left six places, and I was upon the point of carrying my complaisance so far, as to have left a seventh open for them,вБ†вАФand in this very spot I stand on; but being told by a Critick (though not by occupation,вБ†вАФbut by nature) that I had acquitted myself well enough, I shall fill it up directly, hoping, in the meantime, that I shall be able to make a great deal of more room next year.
вЄїHow, in the name of wonder! could your uncle Toby, who, it seems, was a military man, and whom you have represented as no fool,вБ†вЄЇвБ†be at the same time such a confused, pudding-headed, muddleheaded, fellow, asвБ†вАФGo look.
So, Sir Critick, I could have replied; but I scorn it.вБ†вАФвАЩTis language unurbane,вБ†вАФand only befitting the man who cannot give clear and satisfactory accounts of things, or dive deep enough into the first causes of human ignorance and confusion. It is moreover the reply valiantвБ†вАФand therefore I reject it: for though it might have suited my uncle TobyвАЩs character as a soldier excellently well, and had he not accustomed himself, in such attacks, to whistle the Lillabullero, as he wanted no courage, вАЩtis the very answer he would have given; yet it would by no means have done for me. You see as plain as can be, that I write as a man of erudition;вБ†вАФthat even my similies, my allusions, my illustrations, my metaphors, are erudite,вБ†вАФand that I must sustain my character properly, and contrast it properly too,вБ†вАФelse what would become of me? Why, Sir, I should be undone;вБ†вАФat this very moment that I am going here to fill up one place against a critick,вБ†вАФI should have made an opening for a couple.
вЄЇвБ†Therefore I answer thus:
Pray, Sir, in all the reading which you have ever read, did you ever read such a book as LockeвАЩs Essay Upon the Human Understanding?вБ†вЄЇвБ†DonвАЩt answer me rashlyвБ†вАФbecause many, I know, quote the book, who have not read itвБ†вАФand many have read it who understand it not:вБ†вАФIf either of these is your case, as I write to instruct, I will tell you in three words what the book is.вБ†вАФIt is a history.вБ†вАФA history! of who? what? where? when? DonвАЩt hurry yourselfвБ†вЄЇвБ†It is a history-book, Sir (which may possibly recommend it to the world) of what passes in a manвАЩs own mind; and if you will say so much of the book, and no more, believe me, you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysick circle.
But this by the way.
Now if you will venture to go along with me, and look down into the bottom of this matter, it will be found that the cause of obscurity and confusion, in the mind of a man, is threefold.
Dull organs, dear Sir, in the first place. Secondly, slight and transient impressions made by the objects, when the said organs are not dull. And thirdly, a memory like unto a sieve, not able to retain what it has received.вБ†вАФCall down Dolly your chambermaid, and I will give you my cap and bell along with it, if I make not this matter so plain that Dolly herself should understand it as well as Malbranch.вБ†вЄЇвБ†When Dolly has indited her epistle to Robin, and has thrust her arm into the bottom of her pocket hanging by her right side;вБ†вАФtake that opportunity to recollect that the organs and faculties of perception can, by nothing in this world, be so aptly typified and explained as by that one thing which DollyвАЩs hand is in search of.вБ†вАФYour organs are not so dull that I should inform youвБ†вАФвАЩtis an inch, Sir, of red seal-wax.
When this is melted, and dropped upon the letter, if Dolly fumbles too long for her thimble, till the wax is over hardened, it will not receive the mark of her thimble from the usual impulse which was wont to imprint it. Very well. If DollyвАЩs wax, for want of better, is beeswax, or of a temper too soft,вБ†вАФthough it may receive,вБ†вАФit will not hold the impression, how hard soever Dolly thrusts against it; and last of all, supposing the wax good, and eke the thimble, but applied thereto in careless haste, as her Mistress rings the bell;вБ†вЄЇвБ†in any one of these three cases the print left by the thimble will be as unlike the prototype as a brass-jack.
Now you must understand that not one of these was the true cause of the confusion in my uncle TobyвАЩs discourse; and it is for that very reason I enlarge upon them so long, after the manner of great physiologistsвБ†вАФto show the world, what it did not arise from.
What it did arise from, I have hinted above, and a fertile source of obscurity it is,вБ†вАФand ever will be,вБ†вАФand that is the unsteady uses of words, which have perplexed the clearest and most exalted understandings.
It is ten to one (at ArthurвАЩs) whether you have ever read the literary histories of past ages;вБ†вАФif you have, what terrible battles, вАЩyclept logomachies, have they occasioned and perpetuated with so much gall and ink-shed,вБ†вАФthat a good-natured man cannot read the accounts of them without tears in his eyes.
Gentle critick! when thou hast weighed all this, and considered within thyself how much of thy own knowledge, discourse, and conversation has been pestered and disordered at one time or other, by this, and this only:вБ†вАФWhat a pudder and racket in Councils about ќњбљРѕГќѓќ± and бљСѕАѕМѕГѕДќ±ѕГќєѕВ; and in the Schools of the learned about power and about spirit;вБ†вАФabout essences, and about quintessences;вБ†вЄЇвБ†about substances, and about space.вБ†вЄЇвБ†What confusion in greater Theatres from words of little meaning, and as indeterminate a sense! when thou considerest this, thou wilt not wonder at my uncle TobyвАЩs perplexities,вБ†вАФthou wilt drop a tear of pity upon his scarp and his counterscarp;вБ†вАФhis glacis and his covered way;вБ†вАФhis ravelin and his half-moon: вАЩTwas not by ideas,вБ†вАФby Heaven; his life was put in jeopardy by words.