VI
I wish my uncle Toby had been a water-drinker; for then the thing had been accounted for, That the first moment Widow Wadman saw him, she felt something stirring within her in his favourвБ†вАФSomething!вБ†вАФsomething.
вАФSomething perhaps more than friendshipвБ†вАФless than loveвБ†вАФsomethingвБ†вАФno matter whatвБ†вАФno matter whereвБ†вАФI would not give a single hair off my muleвАЩs tail, and be obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the villain has not many to spare, and is not a little vicious into the bargain), to be let by your worships into the secretвБ†вЄЇвБ†
But the truth is, my uncle Toby was not a water-drinker; he drank it neither pure nor mixвАЩd, or anyhow, or anywhere, except fortuitously upon some advanced posts, where better liquor was not to be hadвБ†вЄЇвБ†or during the time he was under cure; when the surgeon telling him it would extend the fibres, and bring them sooner into contactвБ†вЄЇвБ†my uncle Toby drank it for quietness sake.
Now as all the world knows, that no effect in nature can be produced without a cause, and as it is as well known, that my uncle Toby was neither a weaverвБ†вАФa gardener, or a gladiatorвБ†вЄЇвБ†unless as a captain, you will needs have him oneвБ†вАФbut then he was only a captain of footвБ†вАФand besides, the whole is an equivocationвБ†вЄЇвБ†There is nothing left for us to suppose, but that my uncle TobyвАЩs legвБ†вЄЇвБ†but that will avail us little in the present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded from some ailment in the footвБ†вАФwhereas his leg was not emaciated from any disorder in his footвБ†вАФfor my uncle TobyвАЩs leg was not emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and awkward, from a total disuse of it, for the three years he lay confined at my fatherвАЩs house in town; but it was plump and muscular, and in all other respects as good and promising a leg as the other.
I declare, I do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my life, where my understanding was more at a loss to make ends meet, and torture the chapter I had been writing, to the service of the chapter following it, than in the present case: one would think I took a pleasure in running into difficulties of this kind, merely to make fresh experiments of getting out of вАЩemвБ†вЄЇвБ†Inconsiderate soul that thou art! What! are not the unavoidable distresses with which, as an author and a man, thou art hemmвАЩd in on every side of theeвБ†вЄЇвБ†are they, Tristram, not sufficient, but thou must entangle thyself still more?
Is it not enough that thou art in debt, and that thou hast ten cartloads of thy fifth and sixth volumes stillвБ†вАФstill unsold, and art almost at thy witвАЩs ends, how to get them off thy hands?
To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma that thou gattest in skating against the wind in Flanders? and is it but two months ago, that in a fit of laughter, on seeing a cardinal make water like a quirister (with both hands) thou brakest a vessel in thy lungs, whereby, in two hours, thou lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst thou lost as much more, did not the faculty tell theeвБ†вЄїit would have amounted to a gallon?вБ†вЄї