XXXIII
вЄЇвБ†What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grandfather.
My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand.
вАФNow, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my grandfather twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearlyвБ†вАФ(on¬†Michaelmas and Lady-day),вБ†вАФduring all that time.
No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my father.вБ†вЄїAnd as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down money: but as soon as ever he enterвАЩd upon the odd fiftyвБ†вАФhe generally gave a loud Hem! rubbвАЩd the side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore fingerвБ†вЄЇвБ†inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wigвБ†вАФlookвАЩd at both sides of every guinea as he parted with itвБ†вЄЇвБ†and seldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples.
Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make no allowances for these workings within us.вБ†вАФNeverвБ†вАФO never may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors!
For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long noses had gradually been taking root in our family.вБ†вЄїTradition was all along on its side, and Interest was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the whimsicality of my fatherвАЩs brain was far from having the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions.вБ†вАФFor in a great measure he might be said to have suckвАЩd this in with his motherвАЩs milk. He did his part however.вБ†вЄЇвБ†If education planted the mistake (in case it was one) my father watered it, and ripened it to perfection.
He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses.вБ†вАФAnd for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line, did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the kingdom.вБ†вЄїHe would often boast that the Shandy family rankвАЩd very high in King Harry the VIIIвАЩs time, but owed its rise to no state engineвБ†вАФhe would sayвБ†вАФbut to that only;вБ†вЄЇвБ†but that, like other families, he would addвБ†вЄЇвБ†it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the blow of my great-grandfatherвАЩs nose.вБ†вЄЇвБ†It was an ace of clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his headвБ†вАФand as vile a one for an unfortunate family as ever turnвАЩd up trumps.
вЄїFair and softly, gentle reader!вБ†вЄїwhere is thy fancy carrying thee?вБ†вЄЇвБ†If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfatherвАЩs nose, I mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands prominent in his faceвБ†вЄЇвБ†and which painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full thirdвБ†вЄЇвБ†that is, measured downwards from the setting on of the hair.вБ†вЄЇвБ†
вЄЇвБ†What a life of it has an author, at this pass!